View Full Version : Royally Pissed @ His Letter!


Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 09:38 AM
I wrote my husband and told him that my daughters father took me and the kids out for Mothers Day! No big deal, just saying thanks for taken great care of the children. My husband wrote me this letter:

Dear Beloved (real name),
I just received your letter, I was extrememly happy whe I first started reading, thinking damn I really love this women who is my "wife". Enjoying the sweet flavor of Worthers Original candy in my mouth. That is until I got to the part talking about Mothers Day, then that same sweet taste turned sour with anger-hate of jealousy. If you weren't my wife, I wouldn't be so hot, but you are so I am.
HE HAS NO PLACE IN MY CIRCLE IN NO WAY. YOU ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE. I WILL NOT SHARE YOU IN NO WAY. THERE'S NO FIGHT. THIS IS FOR YOU TO KNOW. I WON'T PLAY GAMES WITH HIM OR ANY MAN LETS BE CLEAR ON THIS. I HAVE NO MESSAGE FOR HIM.
I understand you WANT HIM TO BE A FATHER TO THE GIRLS, BUT YOU DON'T TRUST HIM WITH THE GIRLS ALONE, I UNDERSTAND HE KNOWS THIS AND MAYBE Counting on this...... I don't want you in his presence alone again wheather with the girls and our son or not. If he wants to see the girls he can see them in the presence of your mom, you, and your stepfather, but not alone with you and our children. Never is he to have the upperhand by escorting you anywhere.
You tell me you feel nothing for this man. You don't even like him as a person, but you accept his gifts of affection, and grant him your attention. In doing this you are giving him mixed messages. You are allowing him to think he has a chance by your actions. More so then anything allowing this man to take you or give you anything was a smack to the face in three ways. One, do you think if I was home I would allow this man to take you on a date? I wouldn't approve! Two, you put yourself in the control of another mans whelm by allowing him to drive you where he wanted. Three, it is my duty to buy you gifts of affection, his duty is to support his daufhters, you should have drawn the line at that, and threw that shit in the trash in his face, instead of dinner, where's support for the girls? You can buy your own meals.
Sonni, if you don't feel anything for this man, which I'm starting to have trouble with, why are you not putting your foot down? You need to be honest with yourself, an if you want no parts of this man in your life then do just that, then accept no aspect of him in that space.
I'm glad you were honest with me enough to tell me this but I am mad at you for disrespecting me an our circle. My love I love you and I trust you, this is not a trust issue, this is a respect issue but I love you more for telling me this but (real name) this boundary can't be violated ever again, I won't stand for it, I can't, I just won't.
Baby this doesn't change my love for you one bit but I am a little upset to write at the moment.

Loving you alone
Your husband,
(Signature)

What the F#ck! Am I wrong? Is he over reacting? Should I not be mad? What was this Sh!t?

daisy may
05-24-2008, 09:49 AM
Sorry, I think he is right. I mean we don't know your whole story but if what he is saying abut your ex is true then you shoul not have went out with him, sorry.

LeBeau
05-24-2008, 09:55 AM
I have zero tolorance for that sort of possessiveness- NOBODY tells me with whom I can and cannot associate, period. If someone close to me has concerns, I will listen and take them into account, but I make up my own mind.

Your children have to come first, in all things, and if you and their father can manage to be in the same room without hostility, that's best for the girls.
There is a future ahead of you of birthdays,soccer games, school plays, graduations, weddings and grandchildren- Does your husband actually think it benefits your children to force them to have only one parent at all of these milestones?

His ideas about you being a good wife are in direct conflict with your being a good mother- you keep right on being a good mother.

SexyChef1
05-24-2008, 09:58 AM
Well sweets if ya look back at some of my post youde already know Soldado would be LIVID if Id gone out on a "DATE" with my son's father...I wouldnt do it. We have a past, he is my childrens FATHER and my Ex husband therefore he has no place escorting me out...you guys need a mediator if you dont trust him alone with the girls but he will continue to use this as a tool for you guys to go out as a the "happy family" as long as you allow it...You may need to reassure your guy that it was innocent...but How many of us would be thrilled at the idea of our men taking their ex's out for any reason?

Foreverhis31907
05-24-2008, 09:59 AM
Thanks for sharing that letter. I have had an encounter with my daughters father over mother days as well. Even though it was to the fact that he hasnt met his girls since they were a few days old and they are now 8. I met him at the park and I had his mom come along. It was a metting about the girls and him seeing them in no way was it about me. I had to write a letter to my hubby about it, yet I have not heard back from him. After reading your hubby's letter it sounds alot like what mine would say.

I can see where you feel like it is a offensive letter. Cus it was mothers day and the kids and him just wanted to celebrate it with you. But you have to ask yourself forget its mothers day would you do this any other day? What your hubby wrote comes from his heart and it is cus he loves you alot. I think he is alittle right. I mean if he was home would you of still gone out to dinner with your ex? And your hubby knows you on a level we all on PTO don't. He stated in one part of the letter that you dont trust that man with your girls alone. Your hubby does have a point there if you don't trust him why did you get into his car and go out to dinner with him? It may have been a good idea to have someone else there. I would never go anywhere much less be around my kids father WITHOUT someone else there especailly while my husband is gone.

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 10:03 AM
I am always honest in everything with my husband but I feel a child should see their parents interact and get along even if they are apart. I think this is paramount for a childs social development and its healthy for them to know we can still be friends. I don't know what to say in responce to his letter. I'm so mad and upset by it.

I have zero tolorance for that sort of possessiveness- NOBODY tells me with whom I can and cannot associate, period. If someone close to me has concerns, I will listen and take them into account, but I make up my own mind.

Your children have to come first, in all things, and if you and their father can manage to be in the same room without hostility, that's best for the girls.
There is a future ahead of you of birthdays,soccer games, school plays, graduations, weddings and grandchildren- Does your husband actually think it benefits your children to force them to have only one parent at all of these milestones?

His ideas about you being a good wife are in direct conflict with your being a good mother- you keep right on being a good mother.

meeganv
05-24-2008, 10:04 AM
I personally think that what your ex did was showing you respect as the mother of his children - which is what mother's day is all about. Men (and women) who become involved with people who have children from a previous relationship ought to realize that it does come with baggage - and that baggage includes the ex. If they can't deal with that then they should steer clear of a relationship such as this. Unfortunately, most people don't have to actually deal with the situation you described, because it seems that most people don't have a healthy co-parenting relationship with their ex. It's a shame. Now, it sounds like you don't either, however I still think that taking the mother of your children out to dinner for mother's day, especially when you know that she does not have anyone else who can at that moment, is a nice gesture.

I can only speak from the personal experience from my parent's divorce. I can tell you that my mother always made sure I had something for my father for father's day/birthday/christmas, and my father did the same for her. That is something I don't see my divorced friends doing much these days. We (Mom and I vs. Dad) lived 3000 miles apart so taking us out to dinner for these occasions was out, but certainly when paths crossed (like, when he was picking me up for visitation) we all went out for dinner....33 years later, we still do. My mother lives in England, was visiting me in VA last summer, and my father drove 500 miles down from CT to see her and take us out to dinner. We're all still family, because they had a child together, even if they realized that their relationship as husband and wife was no longer working for them.

You and your ex obviously have a lot of issues to sort out - that we do not know about. I wish you luck. I am sure your husband has a lot of valid reasons to be upset with him. But I would also be upset with my husband if he reacted as yours did. I understand jealousy, but in my opinion it is something he's going to have to get over.

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 10:23 AM
My husband says he completely trusts me but his letter is a complete contradiction to what he says. He knows for a fact that the girls father is still in love with me but I am 29 and grown. I know how to handle myself against this man. I fell like my husband doesn't really trust me and he is being way too jealous. AM I WRONG?

odin_
05-24-2008, 10:23 AM
He is jealous and since he is where he is it is understandable (though probably not acceptable).

Write him and confirm that you are faithful and that you love him. It is hard being away like that and not knowing who is doing what. He just needs for you to give him some assurance and he will be fine...

Foreverhis31907
05-24-2008, 10:36 AM
My husband says he completely trusts me but his letter is a complete contradiction to what he says. He knows for a fact that the girls father is still in love with me but I am 29 and grown. I know how to handle myself against this man. I fell like my husband doesn't really trust me and he is being way too jealous. AM I WRONG?

WOW ok that part I didnt see in the letter. Now it takes this to a whole new level. Your ex is still in love with you, and you go out to dinner with him when your husband is gone. Ya I can see how your hubby is saying you are sending him mixed signals. Parents can interact great to benifit the childern. But there is a fine line between interacting great together and putting yourself in a bad situation. Now say your ex were to help the kids make you a card and they all gave it to you that is one thing but going out to dinner as a family without your hubby around or anyone else not good situation especailly if he still loves you. Your hubby sounds like he trust you but he doesnt trust the guy there is a difference. You maybe able to know how to handel yourself around him but far to often we hear about men taking advantage of women no matter what there age. And the women didnt even see it comming. And that I am sure concerns your hubby a great deal cus he is inside he cant help his wife if something were to happen to you. That is why he doesn't want you near him right now or alone with him.

Flaca71
05-24-2008, 10:43 AM
My husband says he completely trusts me but his letter is a complete contradiction to what he says. He knows for a fact that the girls father is still in love with me but I am 29 and grown. I know how to handle myself against this man. I fell like my husband doesn't really trust me and he is being way too jealous. AM I WRONG?


Hey there...you are not wrong by your actions...I went through a divorce after 14 years of marriage...we have three beautiful babies and wouldn't change a thing...my man knows that I will always love my ex...he is the father of my babies...but he also knows that I am down with him...my ex was none to happy to hear about my relationship with someone who he supervises (works for DOC), but he says as long as I am happy....it is hard for my man to listen to the times that we have outside when the ex is around, but he also knows that I am 100% his and that the ex and I are done...it's hard, but it is over....good luck...stay strong....

Wobabi
05-24-2008, 10:58 AM
Dear Beloved (real name),
I just received your letter, I was extrememly happy whe I first started reading, thinking damn I really love this women who is my "wife". Enjoying the sweet flavor of Worthers Original candy in my mouth. That is until I got to the part talking about Mothers Day, then that same sweet taste turned sour with anger-hate of jealousy. He has got to get to a better more mature point in his life if this is going to be his reactions to things when it comes to your childs father. He has gotten himself in prison so his anger should be directed to himself if at all.

If you weren't my wife, I wouldn't be so hot, but you are so I am.
HE HAS NO PLACE IN MY CIRCLE IN NO WAY.
O no way Buddy, he can not remove my kids father from their lives!
YOU ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE.
Umm no I am not a possesion I am a person.
I WILL NOT SHARE YOU IN NO WAY. THERE'S NO FIGHT. THIS IS FOR YOU TO KNOW. I WON'T PLAY GAMES WITH HIM OR ANY MAN LETS BE CLEAR ON THIS. I HAVE NO MESSAGE FOR HIM.
I understand you WANT HIM TO BE A FATHER TO THE GIRLS, BUT YOU DON'T TRUST HIM WITH THE GIRLS ALONE, I UNDERSTAND HE KNOWS THIS AND MAYBE Counting on this...... I don't want you in his presence alone again wheather with the girls and our son or not.
Well until he gets out of prison and can chaperone then get over it,,You are GROWN!
If he wants to see the girls he can see them in the presence of your mom, you, and your stepfather, but not alone with you and our children. Never is he to have the upperhand by escorting you anywhere.
Upperhand by taking you guys to dinner? He got BIG issues and its not about this dinner. If he wants the upperhand then get out of prison and show me you can handle it Roy!
You tell me you feel nothing for this man. You don't even like him as a person, but you accept his gifts of affection, and grant him your attention. In doing this you are giving him mixed messages. You are allowing him to think he has a chance by your actions. More so then anything allowing this man to take you or give you anything was a smack to the face in three ways.
What ,,these kids father should take you to dinner every night so you dont have to cook or spend money on food to feed THEM. This wasnt a ROMANTIC candle lite dinner alone with him!
One, do you think if I was home I would allow this man to take you on a date? I wouldn't approve! Two, you put yourself in the control of another mans whelm by allowing him to drive you where he wanted. Three, it is my duty to buy you gifts of affection, his duty is to support his daufhters, you should have drawn the line at that, and threw that shit in the trash in his face, instead of dinner, where's support for the girls? You can buy your own meals.
Sonni, if you don't feel anything for this man, which I'm starting to have trouble with, why are you not putting your foot down? You need to be honest with yourself, an if you want no parts of this man in your life then do just that, then accept no aspect of him in that space.
Did you tell him that you wanted no parts of him to even see him again?, if not he needs to understand that tho you want no parts of this dude he still can take his girls out with YOU as the chaperone.
I'm glad you were honest with me enough to tell me this but I am mad at you for disrespecting me an our circle. My love I love you and I trust you, this is not a trust issue, this is a respect issue but I love you more for telling me this but (real name) this boundary can't be violated ever again, I won't stand for it, I can't, I just won't.
Baby this doesn't change my love for you one bit but I am a little upset to write at the moment.

Loving you alone
Your husband,
(Signature)

What the F#ck! Am I wrong? Is he over reacting? Should I not be mad? What was this Sh!t?
I dont get it, either you are giving him mixed messages about your kids father or he is mixed up about the kind of relationship you are going to maintain for your kids sake.
Either way his version of *respect* needs to be addressed. Respect is trusting your wife to do the right things while a husband is in prison, period end of story.
You and the kids are not sitting on ice waiting for him to come out. You guys are going on with life expereinces and because he is not here to be apart ,,,thats no one fault but his own. I would tear him a new one and get him straight that its about the KIDS no matter how dude feels about me. And if he wants to take me and the kids out and give me a dinner out of RESPECT for what I DO as a mother for his kids then so be it. Tell your husband to get out of jail and then he can go to dinner with them and you can stay at home with a glass of wine and a bubble bath:rolleyes::)

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 11:20 AM
Wobabi I am scared of you girl! Thanks you for the post, you said what I was feeling.

LovingSoul4u2
05-24-2008, 11:28 AM
Originally Posted by Mrs.Perez III
Dear Beloved (real name),
I just received your letter, I was extrememly happy whe I first started reading, thinking damn I really love this women who is my "wife". Enjoying the sweet flavor of Worthers Original candy in my mouth. That is until I got to the part talking about Mothers Day, then that same sweet taste turned sour with anger-hate of jealousy. He has got to get to a better more mature point in his life if this is going to be his reactions to things when it comes to your childs father. He has gotten himself in prison so his anger should be directed to himself if at all.

If you weren't my wife, I wouldn't be so hot, but you are so I am.
HE HAS NO PLACE IN MY CIRCLE IN NO WAY.
O no way Buddy, he can not remove my kids father from their lives!
YOU ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE.
Umm no I am not a possesion I am a person.
I WILL NOT SHARE YOU IN NO WAY. THERE'S NO FIGHT. THIS IS FOR YOU TO KNOW. I WON'T PLAY GAMES WITH HIM OR ANY MAN LETS BE CLEAR ON THIS. I HAVE NO MESSAGE FOR HIM.
I understand you WANT HIM TO BE A FATHER TO THE GIRLS, BUT YOU DON'T TRUST HIM WITH THE GIRLS ALONE, I UNDERSTAND HE KNOWS THIS AND MAYBE Counting on this...... I don't want you in his presence alone again wheather with the girls and our son or not.
Well until he gets out of prison and can chaperone then get over it,,You are GROWN!
If he wants to see the girls he can see them in the presence of your mom, you, and your stepfather, but not alone with you and our children. Never is he to have the upperhand by escorting you anywhere.
Upperhand by taking you guys to dinner? He got BIG issues and its not about this dinner. If he wants the upperhand then get out of prison and show me you can handle it Roy!
You tell me you feel nothing for this man. You don't even like him as a person, but you accept his gifts of affection, and grant him your attention. In doing this you are giving him mixed messages. You are allowing him to think he has a chance by your actions. More so then anything allowing this man to take you or give you anything was a smack to the face in three ways.
What ,,these kids father should take you to dinner every night so you dont have to cook or spend money on food to feed THEM. This wasnt a ROMANTIC candle lite dinner alone with him!
One, do you think if I was home I would allow this man to take you on a date? I wouldn't approve! Two, you put yourself in the control of another mans whelm by allowing him to drive you where he wanted. Three, it is my duty to buy you gifts of affection, his duty is to support his daufhters, you should have drawn the line at that, and threw that shit in the trash in his face, instead of dinner, where's support for the girls? You can buy your own meals.
Sonni, if you don't feel anything for this man, which I'm starting to have trouble with, why are you not putting your foot down? You need to be honest with yourself, an if you want no parts of this man in your life then do just that, then accept no aspect of him in that space.
Did you tell him that you wanted no parts of him to even see him again?, if not he needs to understand that tho you want no parts of this dude he still can take his girls out with YOU as the chaperone.
I'm glad you were honest with me enough to tell me this but I am mad at you for disrespecting me an our circle. My love I love you and I trust you, this is not a trust issue, this is a respect issue but I love you more for telling me this but (real name) this boundary can't be violated ever again, I won't stand for it, I can't, I just won't.
Baby this doesn't change my love for you one bit but I am a little upset to write at the moment.

Loving you alone
Your husband,
(Signature)

What the F#ck! Am I wrong? Is he over reacting? Should I not be mad? What was this Sh!t?

I dont get it, either you are giving him mixed messages about your kids father or he is mixed up about the kind of relationship you are going to maintain for your kids sake.
Either way his version of *respect* needs to be addressed. Respect is trusting your wife to do the right things while a husband is in prison, period end of story.
You and the kids are not sitting on ice waiting for him to come out. You guys are going on with life expereinces and because he is not here to be apart ,,,thats no one fault but his own. I would tear him a new one and get him straight that its about the KIDS no matter how dude feels about me. And if he wants to take me and the kids out and give me a dinner out of RESPECT for what I DO as a mother for his kids then so be it. Tell your husband to get out of jail and then he can go to dinner with them and you can stay at home with a glass of wine and a bubble bath:rolleyes::)
Ditto! There are some SERIOUS trust issues here!

my-T-sad
05-24-2008, 11:29 AM
I would have been flaming mad over this letter. Even if after much reflection and after thought I felt like I might not should have gone with him I will say one thing that hubby is a hubby and the father of your child he is not your daddy and has no right what so ever to tell you what he will accept in his circle and what he won't in the manner in which he told you. Every relationship has give and take look at what you have accepted, forgiven, and are carrying forth with head held high. Don't follow my advice cause I'd tell you to tell him kiss my royal a$$

krackergrl
05-24-2008, 11:30 AM
hmm...well.. i can understand you wanting to show your kids interaction between you and their father, my mom and my father were divorced when i was 5..my dad has never ever ever taken my mom and me out for mothers day, he always gave me money and told me to take her somewhere nice, and say its from me.. but his wives that he had wouldn't stand for him to take her somewhere..i can kind of see the point.. if my fiance got out of prison and wanted to take his ex and their daughter to dinner, i would be livid, especially if it was without me, or someone neutral..its too much datelike. and if you dont want your kids alone with him, how come you are willing to be alone with your kids? and if he's still in love with you, that just SCREAMS datelike..trouble..you alone, your man in prison, mother of my kids, let's work it out for our kids..i dunno, i would never let my sons father take me to dinner, i'd take his money and take myself to dinner, but i wouldnt let him take me..no way..I would be more livid he my fiance took his ex who was still lin love with him out..no way jose. but thats just my input on it..

what if the shoe were reversed, and you find out he took his kids mom on a date for mothers day with his kid?

on the other hand, he does need to tone his possessiveness down, its a touch overbearing.

Waitin_4_J
05-24-2008, 11:51 AM
I would not want my fiance taking the mother of his daughter out for dinner especially if I knew she was still in love with him. No matter how much he says it is just for the sake of their daughter I think it would be in the back of her mind that he is with them b/c he really wants to be with her. I totally agree with him supporting his daughter and having a civil relationship with the mother but I think too much associating will definitely give the wrong idea to both the parent and the child.

I agree that it does seem disrespectful, however, I do not agree with his approach. I think his feelings could have been made known a little more respectfully towards you. His possessiveness is a little over the top... but, he is locked up, so I am sure he probably feels really helpless and perhaps scared that he could lose you b/c he isn't there to do things with you. This in no way is an excuse for his behavior but how would you feel if the situation were reversed? If your feelings would be a lot different maybe you can help him understand things from your point of view.

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 12:09 PM
Its been a couple of hours since I've received his letter (great way to start the weekend) and I am still stressing about how to respond. I am temped to just write him a note saying: I refuse to respond to this letter or even keep it in my presence. Then mail his letter back to him. Another part of me wants to curse him out for treating me like some object and not truely trusting like he says he does. The other part of me wants to respond with all the love and understanding that I can muster up @ this point in time. I can't do all 3! This is the first letter of distain I have ever receieved from him. I also sent him money and stated for him to call me amd the money order was cashed on the 22 and he still hasn't called.

DO YOU THINK ITS CAUSE THE LETTER? What if I don't reply @ all? I'm am slowly going crazy! HELP!

RaysMeg
05-24-2008, 12:17 PM
PEREZ!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??

I'm not telling you that you should have lied, BUT you KNEW that man would be a lunatic about something like that!!! Ray would have caught another charge if he got a letter like that from me...LMAO!! You know you were expecting a crazy response.....

The "I love you alone," I would make me feel like hell and never go out with the girls pops again.

:) You're crazy girl!! :)

my-T-sad
05-24-2008, 12:21 PM
if in doubt think it out

LeBeau
05-24-2008, 12:23 PM
No matter what you decide, you can not actually respond until Tuesday because Monday is a holiday, so don't rush yourself- take a day to breathe on on it and write something tomorrow- then read it Monday and see if it says what you want to say.

RaysMeg
05-24-2008, 12:27 PM
DO YOU THINK ITS CAUSE THE LETTER? What if I don't reply @ all? I'm am slowly going crazy! HELP!

I didn't realize this was the situation.... okay if I were you I would say sorry. And I would comfort him and let him know (however) that he is my man and that I didn't go out for Mothers Day to intentionally disrespect him. Make sure he knows you love him blah blah blah. Some ladies on here may disagree, but I wouldn't have gone if it were ME. Like I said, my dude would go ballistic.

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 12:43 PM
I refuse to be one of those women who can't get along with her Ex! Am I the only one who has read these articals on children developing better when all parents involved can interact and get along? I don't want him to feel like this but he has been gone for 7 years and life out here is changing with or without him. I want to ease his frustration but I really DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE ADDRESSED ME IN THIS LETTER. I also don't like that he wasn't understanding at all!

AndILoveHim
05-24-2008, 01:01 PM
I didn't realize this was the situation.... okay if I were you I would say sorry. And I would comfort him and let him know (however) that he is my man and that I didn't go out for Mothers Day to intentionally disrespect him. Make sure he knows you love him blah blah blah. Some ladies on here may disagree, but I wouldn't have gone if it were ME. Like I said, my dude would go ballistic.

Mine too!! -- I can't imagine me telling him that I went out to eat with my ex-husband. Mrs. Perez's husband was really nice in his letter compared to my b/f that would have gone crazy or God knows what he would have done inside.

Wobabi
05-24-2008, 02:51 PM
If it were me ..*I* would write two letters.
One, tearing him a NEW ONE:angry:
and the second one telling how much I love him and we gotta be GROWN for the kids.:)
It took a minute for me and my X to get along but now that we do,,,OMG its sooooo nice.
He does what he is supposed to. He works WITH me so it makes MY LIFE EASIER,,it really does.
Tho Boo wants to still rock his cap:rolleyes:,,Boo knows we still have to parent together and will allow that space because he knows I'm waaay done with dude. AND if the shoe was on the other foot, I most def expect Boo to visit his boys and perhaps go out to dinner as a family with her,,,its OK for me,,I seen her,,She aint no matter for me-As my GRannie use to say.
She don't shake my foundation in the least bit. Besides if he did anything, HE is to blame not her.
And if your husband can't or won't understand, then Oh well come out and make it happen, until then he would hear no more about what I do,,,he would be on a *Need to know* basis from here on out!
Its going to be ok,,Do like he said in his letter *Put your foot down* on both of them!:D

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 03:13 PM
I'm in the process of trying to write a return letter. I'll share it with everyone when I am done but if you have suggestions please feel free.

Speed
05-24-2008, 03:16 PM
For me this guy have mental problem, He do not know words love respect and trust, If you love someone you trust but if you don't trust you do not love.
I can see you do have affection for your X or I can say your daughters father. I understand you you give him love any time in your life that can not die just like this.
Your husband is in prision so he have lot's of time to think let him understand you have your own life.
I would like to repete the words le beau said.
I have zero tolorance for that sort of possessiveness- NOBODY tells me with whom I can and cannot associate, period. If someone close to me has concerns, I will listen and take them into account, but I make up my own mind.

Your children have to come first, in all things, and if you and their father can manage to be in the same room without hostility, that's best for the girls.
There is a future ahead of you of birthdays,soccer games, school plays, graduations, weddings and grandchildren- Does your husband actually think it benefits your children to force them to have only one parent at all of these milestones?

His ideas about you being a good wife are in direct conflict with your being a good mother- you keep right on being a good mother.

bernadette
05-24-2008, 03:21 PM
your husband has some trust issuses and that is understandable considering where he is right now

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 03:25 PM
Ok so I don't think my husband has mental issues! I do however think he has trust issues since being in jail for 7 years now. Speed I think I was a little offended by that.

LBoogie0810
05-24-2008, 03:31 PM
I see nothing wrong with what you did. My ex husband bought me something for Mother's Day...as I will for him on Father's Day as well! We were married and have a beautiful child together-- as a married couple, things didn't work, but we can have a working relationship as friends and parents. He appreciates the mother I am to his son and I apprecatre the father he is to him as well. Above and beyond all this, what my son is witnessing between the two of us is (learning about) interaction in relationships...but I can guarantee you that he isn't learning anything about disrespect, chaos or mixed signals or trust issues. All of us involved (my ex, our son, me.....and my fiance) all know exactly what it is between the ex and me...and more importantly we all know what it ISN'T. I would rather my son recollect that even though the marriage between his father and I didn't work, he and his emotional well being still remained priority #1 and we chose to make the best of an ending. Thus being said, outside of issues dealing with Garrett, his father and I have nothing to say to eachother...and really don't care for one another but absolutely no one would ever, ever know this. Thank God my fiance is in agreement with my good-working relationship with my ex! There is no question on where we stand therefore there is not ever any big deal about what my ex may do for me for holidays/occasions. And thank God that my ex is the man that he is. My son is learning well.

BabygirlNGary
05-24-2008, 04:07 PM
I wouldnt be mad if he took the ex and kids on a mother's day excursion just as he wouldnt be mad. When you choose to be involved in a family with kids from other people this is a understanding that you need to come to. The kids deserve to know their parents both love them enough to get along even when seperated. I hope you can get your man to understand that concept or it's gonna be a long ride! I wish you the best!

kae
05-24-2008, 04:17 PM
My husband says he completely trusts me but his letter is a complete contradiction to what he says. He knows for a fact that the girls father is still in love with me but I am 29 and grown. I know how to handle myself against this man. I fell like my husband doesn't really trust me and he is being way too jealous. AM I WRONG?

although he knows your ex still has feelings for you, he needs to trust you. his letter shows he doesn't and he is being overly jealous, imo. i don't see how the father of your children taking you & the kids out on mothers day is a date. you are raising his kids and he should honor you for that. if you are happy that will make for happy kids.

tell your husband, you hear what he is saying but he needs to fall back & trust you. tell him it is unreasonable & unlikely that you will use a mediator to deal with the father of your children. what's the purpose? cuz of your husband's insecurities? uh - that's not a real reason.

Lemmons
05-24-2008, 04:31 PM
He's making a difficult situation worse, and his caveman attitude doesn't help matters.

It might be helpful to divide the letter into what you agree with and what you don't agree with. - as Wobabi suggested, writing two responses. He has some legitimate (*to him) concerns that he needs addressed, but he nearly ruined his chances for any understanding with his ridiculous assertion that he owns you. And as LeBeau said, take your time. I think you should sleep on it.

RaysMeg
05-24-2008, 04:33 PM
Okay okay okay..... whoever said "mental problems" needs to relax. I don't think he has mental problems.... I know you didn't like what he said Perez, but I think it's what I would expect.

I'm with gangsta Babi... "need to know basis". DEFINATELY. :)

I respect the fact that you want to get along with the girls dad, or at least be civil. Even if the shoe was on the other foot, I would spaz if he went out to dinner with his ex. I'm jealous like that though. Not proud of it, but it's true.

daisy may
05-24-2008, 04:43 PM
But you have to understand where your man is coming from, he says, that you tell him that you do not trust this man alone with your children. It doesn't matter if you are 29 years old, if he wants to do something to you he will. Why do you not trust the BIOLOGICAL father with them? If it is because he has done something to them sexually or has abused them physically then your man has a right to be upset. I do not think this is a control issue at all. You just said right now in this post that he is still in love with you, so then why are you spending time with him. Yes, I understand it is good for kids to see their parents getting along and I do not disagree with that. But, i agree with the man, this crossed the line. I think instead of driving with him you should of drove yoursef and met him but i beleive there should have been a third party there.

My husband says he completely trusts me but his letter is a complete contradiction to what he says. He knows for a fact that the girls father is still in love with me but I am 29 and grown. I know how to handle myself against this man. I fell like my husband doesn't really trust me and he is being way too jealous. AM I WRONG?

daisy may
05-24-2008, 04:49 PM
I really don't see it as in an issue of not trusting you, he has every right to not trust he man since you have said you don't trust their own father with them and this other man is in LOVE with YOU. My man trusts me, but he does not trust his male riends because one of them slept with his ex wife and this was a homeboy he grew up with. I agree with Wobabi, eventhough this is something I do not do often, it is possible you are giving mixed messages without realizing it.

Also, no do not answer the letter, wait till you calm down because then it will seem like you are defending you kids' father. Take a step back and flip the roles, how would you feel. Like others have said, he could have toned it down just a little.

Its been a couple of hours since I've received his letter (great way to start the weekend) and I am still stressing about how to respond. I am temped to just write him a note saying: I refuse to respond to this letter or even keep it in my presence. Then mail his letter back to him. Another part of me wants to curse him out for treating me like some object and not truely trusting like he says he does. The other part of me wants to respond with all the love and understanding that I can muster up @ this point in time. I can't do all 3! This is the first letter of distain I have ever receieved from him. I also sent him money and stated for him to call me amd the money order was cashed on the 22 and he still hasn't called.

DO YOU THINK ITS CAUSE THE LETTER? What if I don't reply @ all? I'm am slowly going crazy! HELP!

daisy may
05-24-2008, 04:54 PM
I am thinking speed has a language barrier I do not think the person meant to be rude, but it seems as if you aren' really liking answers that are not agreeing to yours.

Would I want my man to have dinner with his ex, hell no, why because i know she is still in love with him and has no issue to wanting to try and jump his bones. Do i keep him out of his childrens lives, no. Not by any means but they do not need to be going out to dinner.

Like everyone else has said, wait a day or two responding and let him know, y are not going anywhere and he needs to trust you. In the future tell the kids father you will meet him wherever and have a third party there and keep it public.

Ok so I don't think my husband has mental issues! I do however think he has trust issues since being in jail for 7 years now. Speed I think I was a little offended by that.

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 04:59 PM
I have a number of reasons for not wanting my EX alone with my girls. First I am very protective due to things that happened in my childhood and secondly he has very little patience. When my daughter was 1 he got very irritated after being around her for only 5min. He told her she was getting on his F#cken nerves! Needless to say I let him have it! I know my husband hates him because when I was pregnant he was very abusive. I just don't trust him with my girls enough to believe that he will make good judgements while with them. I love my husband more then anything but at this point I'm hurt that he does not trust me as he says he does in his letter.

daisy may
05-24-2008, 05:03 PM
Well again, I don't think it is really an issue of all trust. Write to him and find out where he is coming from when he is calmed down. WE all say things out of anger and you probabl would have doen the same thing had you gotten a letter like that.

Mz Jin
05-24-2008, 05:07 PM
there was trouble with the phone system and he couldn't call me, I thought he was so pissed at my letter he refused to call - (for a week) and it drove me CRAZY! So all I'm saying is after you write this letter don't send it off strait away... sit on it for a day or two.


Peace out
Jin.

RaysMeg
05-24-2008, 05:07 PM
I have a number of reasons for not wanting my EX alone with my girls. First I am very protective due to things that happened in my childhood and secondly he has very little patience. When my daughter was 1 he got very irritated after being around her for only 5min. He told her she was getting on his F#cken nerves! Needless to say I let him have it! I know my husband hates him because when I was pregnant he was very abusive. I just don't trust him with my girls enough to believe that he will make good judgements while with them. I love my husband more then anything but at this point I'm hurt that he does not trust me as he says he does in his letter.

Sorry it's like that. You're a good mommy for making your decisions. I know it's hard. I understand why your husband knows about the ex now, I would confide in my husband about an abusive ex too. I got cha. You are only doing this to protect the girls.... I don't blame you. Being that your husband knows the history, he should have had SOME understanding. But he's not required to. I give you credit, because kids or NO KIDS, I don't think I could eat with someone that put their hands on me.

Foreverhis31907
05-24-2008, 05:22 PM
OMG he was abusive to you while you were prego and treated your daughter like that!! I am soo with your hubby what were you thinking getting into his car alone with him and your kids? Let alone go anywhere with him. You say your 29 you can handel it....hmm HELLO how did you handle it by staying with this man after he abusied you while you were pergo then allow him to treat your daughter like that????I relize you told him off after he said that to her. But come on you knew his temper you knew what he was capable of it was your choice not to leave right then while pregnet and not let it roll over to your daughter.

Now I totally see where your hubby's anger is coming from he is worried about his wife's and step kids SAFTEY! God I don't even know you and I'm angry. He has over powered you and abusied you once already he can and will do it AGAIN. I have been there and seen it far to oftne. You need to stay away from him and as far as him being in the kids life I agree he should be supervised but you are not the one to do it. You should not for any reason put your self in the same position you once where and being alone with him period will do that. If he wants to have a relationhsip with the kids a trusted family member can supervise it hell the courts can. I am all for parents getting along but when there is abuse issues it is a whole nother ball game!

I have a number of reasons for not wanting my EX alone with my girls. First I am very protective due to things that happened in my childhood and secondly he has very little patience. When my daughter was 1 he got very irritated after being around her for only 5min. He told her she was getting on his F#cken nerves! Needless to say I let him have it! I know my husband hates him because when I was pregnant he was very abusive. I just don't trust him with my girls enough to believe that he will make good judgements while with them. I love my husband more then anything but at this point I'm hurt that he does not trust me as he says he does in his letter.

ThatOneChick
05-24-2008, 05:45 PM
Mrs. Perez, while I do agree your husband might just be a teeny bit too possessive, I also think that his problem is w/ the ex, and not you. I don't feel like his trust issue lies w/ you. From what I can tell he trusts you but does NOT trust ol boy. I would say that due to the past between you and your ex and his abusiveness, it's probably best for him to see his daughters but like someone else said, supervised but probably with a third party...Like your husband said if your parents could be there that would be great. You could be there too, to show your girls you can get along, but I don't think I would be alone anymore. I'm sure you have enough smarts on you and I'm sure if you thought he was going to harm you or your girls you wouldn't have went alone w/ him...I would write your hus a letter, telling him you won't be cutting the ex out of your life b/c that would mean cutting him out of your kids life...But also that you don't appreciate being treated like a piece of property...I would imagine his letter was wrote out of anger and haste too, so I would advise waiting a day or two before you mail any letter, just to gather your thoughts. Good luck :)

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 05:46 PM
First and for most please know that I left my girls father when he became abusive. Secondly my husband has known me since I was 11 and he knows that I can hold my own against anyone. I know my husbands concern isn't for my safety so much but more of him being selfishly in love and not wanting me around any other man.

Lemmons
05-24-2008, 05:49 PM
I have to agree. The fact that your ex abused you, and when you were pregnant, gives an entirely new dimension to your husband's letter. I'm also concerned for you, too, because of your husband's machismo and forceful response in light of this info. You do need to be safe for your daughters' sakes, but nobody owns you but yourself, either.

And I did find it a little odd that your ex wanted to spend mother's day with you and the girls, since it's a day for Moms and their kids...but I get the point of keeping a relationship with an ex amiable, and it seemed a nice gesture. However, he abused you...and it is uncommon for a father ex to have visitation on Mothers day. In light of all this, and that he loves you-you seem to know he's trying to manipulate you to go back to him. Is it wise to allow your kids to watch him attempt this on you? Won't it confuse them?

I was emotionally manipulated shortly after the death of my first husband, and my kids watched me go through it. It was difficult for them to make sense of the fact that those "nice" people who seemed like so much fun, were actually big a'holes to me. My kids were young, all in elementary school. They could see something was not right, but they were too young to be able to pt their finger on it. Even when I recognized what those people had done to me, my kids were confused and hurt. They were never actually harmed, but they saw me get manipulated, and it was not good for them at all.

No situation is the same, of course, and only you have the answers. I just threw that out there because it seems like it could relate.

Waitin_4_J
05-24-2008, 06:00 PM
Mrs Perez- I knew there was something else about this whole thing that was bugging me and I just now put my finger on it. When Jason and I first became a couple he questioned something I had done with a male friend of mine and I reacted much like you are now. It took me a bit to figure it out but finally I realized that his reaction made me feel like he shouldn't be questioning my judgement ya know? He swore up and down he trusted me but that wasn't the point. The point was I felt like he should have KNOWN me well enough to know what I would and would not do at that point in our relationship. Maybe you can point out to your man that since he has known you almost your whole life that he should KNOW by now how you are.

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 08:17 PM
Dear (real name)

I couldn't stop thinking about what you said about regrets- FROM OUR MISTEAKS OF REGRET THOUGH THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE, REGRETS HAS ONLY INTENSIFIED OIR LOVE AND NEED FOR ONE ANOTHER WITH NO MORE RELUCTANCE TO CONVEY IT. LETS NOT ALLOW REGRET OF THE PAST ROB US OF THE JOY WE HAVE NOW AND WILL HAVE IN THE FUTURE. (His Signature)

What you said brought me straight to this..... let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder, don't you know, the hardest part is over, let it in, let your clarity define you in the end, we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are mad in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate..time falls away but these small hours, these small hours still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you...let it shine until you feel it all around you and I don't mind if its me you need to turn to, we'll get by....its the heart that really matters in the end....

All of my regrets will wash away some how, but I can not forget the way I fell right now....

In these small hours, these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate..time falls away but these small hours still remain....

In saying this now let me express to you how I felt about the letter I received from you on Saturday. I know that these are your true feelings laid out before me and I respect them but you also have to respect me as your wife and as an individual. Please know that all things that I do are not meant to hurt you in anyway. In saying this let me now express to you how I felt about your letter to me. While I have thought of the best way to express this to you I find no other way then to be honest about my feelings.

I only hear from you every 3 days & I count each day as it passes. Your letters are the highlight of my days a
& I look forward 2 them in all aspects. However this recent letter met me with all and total disregard to my feelings. I know that it was hard 4 U 2 hear that the girls father took me out for Mothers Day but your reaction was very harsh and unsettling. U being upset was the last thing I wanted but I never in a million years expected U 2 address me the way U did in your letter. I thought U saw me as a person & your wife, not as an object 4 U 2 posses. I wasn't sure if I wanted 2 cry or just B mad @ your letter. I pray that U understand. Your saying in your letter that U trust me but then U go on 2 say that your having trouble believing the fact that I feel nothing 4 him. U have contradicted yourself. U say that this isn't a trust issue but a respect issue when in truth its both. I feel like the issue is mostly within yourself, insecurities because U R not in my presence physically like U have stated in so many of your letters. I feel like I am @ a complete loss 4 words because you showed lack of respect 4 me in your letter by demanding things & not asking in a loving manner. I would have never approached U in the manner U came @ me in. I wikk not be addressed ever again in the manner that U addressed me in, please know this!

My love U have been gone 4 7 yrs. And I have developed as a person and a mother. All things I do are with the consideration of our children. As far as your comment towards this being a DATE, you couldn't B more wrong. The flowers, cards, and dinner I accepted where on behalf of my daughter since they R 2 young 2 present me with things on their own. I understand where U R coming from but I want U 2 try & understand that in no way do I have feelings of any kind 4 him. He is not allowed @ my parents because neither of them like him. I refuse 2 go 2 his uncles because his mother & her boyfriend smoke & I will not put my children around that. My time with him is only 4 the childrens sake since children who C parents interact whom are seperated develope better & stronger relationships when they get older and they are also more rounded. This is all I want for our children. I feel lik you should know me better & support me in my decisions I make regarding our children & if U disagree with them U know I am more then happy 2 work things out with U so we R both happy. We agreed 2 meet each other in the middle regarding all aspects of our life but U haven't done that in this situation nor have you tried. Your not here, you can't protect me, and U can't put a fence around myself & the children so no ! Will come near us. I love U baby & this is a lot 4 both of us. If U were here I wouldn't have had to leave the house, he could have came & saw the girls in both our presence. He could have brought flowers & a card from the girls 2 our house.

I pray that U understand all that I am saying & U don't have 2 agree with everything but U do have 2 respect me as a single mother & as your wife. I pray that we can overcome this & move on as a family. I myself need 2 sort out my own feelings in regards 2 your letter but I do know that I love you with all my heart. If you can't see that @ this point then maybe U should take some time 2 think what we R doing here.

RaysMeg
05-24-2008, 08:24 PM
Seriously, I cried Perez. You know I am not afraid to be critical... honestly, you are doing the right thing. That is a true, heartfelt letter. You did so well expressing yourself. Great Job Babe.

meeganv
05-24-2008, 08:38 PM
I agree, I think it is a great letter. Don't seal the envelope yet, you have until Tuesday to edit and revise as you read and re-read it, and as things come to you. But I think it is written in a way that will make him think twice about the way he came at you, and understand where you are coming from. If he doesn't...well, then, he's stubborn as a mule! :D

Lemmons
05-24-2008, 08:51 PM
Very compassionate, endearing and with a gentle yet firm touch that is in glaring contrast to his treatment of you. Impressive! I hope he gets the message.

ariesandtaurus
05-24-2008, 09:26 PM
I do not know what to say about all this.
Would I have gone out with my exhusband if he came to get the girls and take us out for dinner and my husband was away .... probably not.
But I do not think you did anything wrong you just went out for a little bit. I do not think your husband should have wrote that letter.
That is kind of scary.

LeBeau
05-24-2008, 09:46 PM
Oh- you put me in tears with that letter!

Mrs.Perez III
05-24-2008, 10:17 PM
Is my reply letter to him that bad?!? I just hope he understand where I am coming from and that I'm speaking from my heart in that reply letter.

donutandpickle
05-24-2008, 10:33 PM
I can understand why he's upset. He came at you wrong but sometimes when we are mad we take things to the extreme. Give him some time to think on it and he will probably be feeling guilty about that letter soon if not already.

Mrs.Perez III
05-25-2008, 05:45 AM
Ok ladies we have moved on to the reply letter or the maybe reply letter.

Dear (real name)

I couldn't stop thinking about what you said about regrets- FROM OUR MISTEAKS OF REGRET THOUGH THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE, REGRETS HAS ONLY INTENSIFIED OIR LOVE AND NEED FOR ONE ANOTHER WITH NO MORE RELUCTANCE TO CONVEY IT. LETS NOT ALLOW REGRET OF THE PAST ROB US OF THE JOY WE HAVE NOW AND WILL HAVE IN THE FUTURE. (His Signature)

What you said brought me straight to this..... let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder, don't you know, the hardest part is over, let it in, let your clarity define you in the end, we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are mad in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate..time falls away but these small hours, these small hours still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you...let it shine until you feel it all around you and I don't mind if its me you need to turn to, we'll get by....its the heart that really matters in the end....

All of my regrets will wash away some how, but I can not forget the way I fell right now....

In these small hours, these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate..time falls away but these small hours still remain....

In saying this now let me express to you how I felt about the letter I received from you on Saturday. I know that these are your true feelings laid out before me and I respect them but you also have to respect me as your wife and as an individual. Please know that all things that I do are not meant to hurt you in anyway. In saying this let me now express to you how I felt about your letter to me. While I have thought of the best way to express this to you I find no other way then to be honest about my feelings.

I only hear from you every 3 days & I count each day as it passes. Your letters are the highlight of my days a
& I look forward 2 them in all aspects. However this recent letter met me with all and total disregard to my feelings. I know that it was hard 4 U 2 hear that the girls father took me out for Mothers Day but your reaction was very harsh and unsettling. U being upset was the last thing I wanted but I never in a million years expected U 2 address me the way U did in your letter. I thought U saw me as a person & your wife, not as an object 4 U 2 posses. I wasn't sure if I wanted 2 cry or just B mad @ your letter. I pray that U understand. Your saying in your letter that U trust me but then U go on 2 say that your having trouble believing the fact that I feel nothing 4 him. U have contradicted yourself. U say that this isn't a trust issue but a respect issue when in truth its both. I feel like the issue is mostly within yourself, insecurities because U R not in my presence physically like U have stated in so many of your letters. I feel like I am @ a complete loss 4 words because you showed lack of respect 4 me in your letter by demanding things & not asking in a loving manner. I would have never approached U in the manner U came @ me in. I wikk not be addressed ever again in the manner that U addressed me in, please know this!

My love U have been gone 4 7 yrs. And I have developed as a person and a mother. All things I do are with the consideration of our children. As far as your comment towards this being a DATE, you couldn't B more wrong. The flowers, cards, and dinner I accepted where on behalf of my daughter since they R 2 young 2 present me with things on their own. I understand where U R coming from but I want U 2 try & understand that in no way do I have feelings of any kind 4 him. He is not allowed @ my parents because neither of them like him. I refuse 2 go 2 his uncles because his mother & her boyfriend smoke & I will not put my children around that. My time with him is only 4 the childrens sake since children who C parents interact whom are seperated develope better & stronger relationships when they get older and they are also more rounded. This is all I want for our children. I feel lik you should know me better & support me in my decisions I make regarding our children & if U disagree with them U know I am more then happy 2 work things out with U so we R both happy. We agreed 2 meet each other in the middle regarding all aspects of our life but U haven't done that in this situation nor have you tried. Your not here, you can't protect me, and U can't put a fence around myself & the children so no ! Will come near us. I love U baby & this is a lot 4 both of us. If U were here I wouldn't have had to leave the house, he could have came & saw the girls in both our presence. He could have brought flowers & a card from the girls 2 our house.

I pray that U understand all that I am saying & U don't have 2 agree with everything but U do have 2 respect me as a single mother & as your wife. I pray that we can overcome this & move on as a family. I myself need 2 sort out my own feelings in regards 2 your letter but I do know that I love you with all my heart. If you can't see that @ this point then maybe U should take some time 2 think what we R doing here.

thatwiz
05-25-2008, 06:05 AM
Well my hubby doesn't care who takes me to dinner or buys me things as long as I'm not having sex with them as he knows my love is genuine. I would be mad at him for going to conclusions that it was anything more than innocent. Why shouldn't you go out with your daughters Father???? He is after all forever connected to you and there is a bond that will always be there if only for the sake of the child. It will never be just your husbands circumference, because this man was already before him and already in your circle. His thinking is definitely off and he's the one who is in the wrong and not really getting what hes trying to put forward

Mrs.Perez III
05-25-2008, 07:08 AM
Actually thewiz my husband has a point about his circle. My husband and I have been together off and on since I was 11 and he was 13. My girls biological father was only in my life for 2 years. He is a prick who saw one of my modeling pictures and decided he had to have me. I didn't know this until I got pregnant with my daughters then things that people said started to me sense. He thought by getting me pregnant it would keep me. BOY WAS HE WRONG! My husband has adopted our girls so they are in all ways his. From the moment I was pregnant his mother said the girls are her grandbabies and so it is. I don't want to remove the girls biological father completely from their lives but if he doesn't back off soon I will have to.

locactus
05-25-2008, 09:48 AM
Hey Mrs. P, I have read all the posts and relpies. When I first read his letter I was (honestly) thinking- that wasn't a bad letter. He was just expressing how he felt about the situation. But as I read your posts and others posts I see how certain parts of that letter were unnecesarry (however the way he felt). Your reply letter was perfect, you incorporated all the positive advice you were given and explained to him how you truly felt and wanted him to understand.
I do not have any children, my love doesn't have any children so I definitely don't have any business being around my ex. Thats why I never provided any advice. I didn't feel it was my place in this thread.
I hope that he will call you soon or when he gets your letter the situation will be somewhat resolved.

thatwiz
05-25-2008, 10:00 AM
The reality is tho that they have a biological Father that they see and know as that. A step parent can love the children just as much as a bio parent and take care of them as such, but I still think your husband is still wrong. I think you should be able to go and see whomever you want. He's locked up and couldn't take you anywhere and thats his fault. The girls father should be in their lives, if he chooses, and the adopted step parent should really not have that much say in how that takes place, if the bio Father is no danger to them. Daddy should take them out to dinner and I see the incarcerated parent as selfish because an enjoyable evening is something at this point he can not provide.

Wobabi
05-25-2008, 10:01 AM
The parts I liked I highlighted,,NICE letter,,you said u was scared of me???,,,girl I am Skerrrd of YOU Mami!:clap:

Dear (real name)
,,, let me now express to you how I felt about your letter to me. While I have thought of the best way to express this to you I find no other way then to be honest about my feelings.

I only hear from you every 3 days & I count each day as it passes. Your letters are the highlight of my days a
& I look forward 2 them in all aspects. However this recent letter met me with all and total disregard to my feelings. I know that it was hard 4 U 2 hear that the girls father took me out for Mothers Day but your reaction was very harsh and unsettling. U being upset was the last thing I wanted but I never in a million years expected U 2 address me the way U did in your letter. I thought U saw me as a person & your wife, not as an object 4 U 2 posses. I wasn't sure if I wanted 2 cry or just B mad @ your letter. I pray that U understand. Your saying in your letter that U trust me but then U go on 2 say that your having trouble believing the fact that I feel nothing 4 him. U have contradicted yourself. U say that this isn't a trust issue but a respect issue when in truth its both. I feel like the issue is mostly within yourself, insecurities because U R not in my presence physically like U have stated in so many of your letters. I feel like I am @ a complete loss 4 words because you showed lack of respect 4 me in your letter by demanding things & not asking in a loving manner. I would have never approached U in the manner U came @ me in. I wikk not be addressed ever again in the manner that U addressed me in, please know this!

My love U have been gone 4 7 yrs. And I have developed as a person and a mother. All things I do are with the consideration of our children. As far as your comment towards this being a DATE, you couldn't B more wrong. The flowers, cards, and dinner I accepted where on behalf of my daughter since they R 2 young 2 present me with things on their own. I understand where U R coming from but I want U 2 try & understand that in no way do I have feelings of any kind 4 him. He is not allowed @ my parents because neither of them like him. I refuse 2 go 2 his uncles because his mother & her boyfriend smoke & I will not put my children around that. My time with him is only 4 the childrens sake since children who C parents interact whom are seperated develope better & stronger relationships when they get older and they are also more rounded. This is all I want for our children. I feel lik you should know me better & support me in my decisions I make regarding our children & if U disagree with them U know I am more then happy 2 work things out with U so we R both happy. We agreed 2 meet each other in the middle regarding all aspects of our life but U haven't done that in this situation nor have you tried. Your not here, you can't protect me, and U can't put a fence around myself & the children so no ! Will come near us. I love U baby & this is a lot 4 both of us. If U were here I wouldn't have had to leave the house, he could have came & saw the girls in both our presence. He could have brought flowers & a card from the girls 2 our house.

I pray that U understand all that I am saying & U don't have 2 agree with everything but U do have 2 respect me as a single mother & as your wife. I pray that we can overcome this & move on as a family. I myself need 2 sort out my own feelings in regards 2 your letter but I do know that I love you with all my heart. If you can't see that @ this point then maybe U should take some time 2 think what we R doing here.

dougsgirl2007
05-25-2008, 11:00 AM
YEPPPPPPP totally agree with HIM...I would be beyond pisse### if my guy took his exwife out to dinnner or vice versa.......You should of never went in my opinion.....Damn I would be madder than him

daisy may
05-25-2008, 04:28 PM
But BIOLOGICAL daddy is a danger, she said he loses patients with them, so the ex has a valid point when he said, you (the OP) do not trust him with the kids.

The reality is tho that they have a biological Father that they see and know as that. A step parent can love the children just as much as a bio parent and take care of them as such, but I still think your husband is still wrong. I think you should be able to go and see whomever you want. He's locked up and couldn't take you anywhere and thats his fault. The girls father should be in their lives, if he chooses, and the adopted step parent should really not have that much say in how that takes place, if the bio Father is no danger to them. Daddy should take them out to dinner and I see the incarcerated parent as selfish because an enjoyable evening is something at this point he can not provide.

Mrs.Perez III
05-25-2008, 04:42 PM
If I need to be there to make sure my children are treated in the appropriate manner then so be it!

ButtaPecnKiss4U
05-25-2008, 05:05 PM
so basically it seems he really upset that another man is takin u out when he feels its his job..... i see but the problem is at this point he really cant, so whats the harm in a simple thank you??i dont get the part when ur hubby says he trusts u but doesnt want u to go out with any one else but him.obviously u are not showing any signs and symptoms of a cheater, so even if u were around 100 men for a simple lunch it shouldnt matter because ur doing ur part as a faithful wife. and i hope when he comes home, and u wanna go out and he doesnt feel like taking u, that u whip out his letter and remind him of his duties he mentioned since hes so quick to tell u how 2 go about yours!!!

TiffanyFL
05-25-2008, 06:42 PM
I wrote my husband and told him that my daughters father took me and the kids out for Mothers Day! No big deal, just saying thanks for taken great care of the children. My husband wrote me this letter:

Dear Beloved (real name),
I just received your letter, I was extrememly happy whe I first started reading, thinking damn I really love this women who is my "wife". Enjoying the sweet flavor of Worthers Original candy in my mouth. That is until I got to the part talking about Mothers Day, then that same sweet taste turned sour with anger-hate of jealousy. If you weren't my wife, I wouldn't be so hot, but you are so I am.

HE HAS NO PLACE IN MY CIRCLE IN NO WAY. YOU ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE. I WILL NOT SHARE YOU IN NO WAY. THERE'S NO FIGHT. THIS IS FOR YOU TO KNOW. I WON'T PLAY GAMES WITH HIM OR ANY MAN LETS BE CLEAR ON THIS. I HAVE NO MESSAGE FOR HIM.

Woah...can we say serious possesive issues. You are hisr "wife", his friend but not his possession. He does not have the right to claim you as his property.

I understand you WANT HIM TO BE A FATHER TO THE GIRLS, BUT YOU DON'T TRUST HIM WITH THE GIRLS ALONE, I UNDERSTAND HE KNOWS THIS AND MAYBE Counting on this...... I don't want you in his presence alone again wheather with the girls and our son or not. If he wants to see the girls he can see them in the presence of your mom, you, and your stepfather, but not alone with you and our children. Never is he to have the upperhand by escorting you anywhere.

The only reason that he has the "upperhand" is because your "husband" committed a crime that landed him in prison. He has no right to tell you not to be in his presence. Does your husband not understand that you have children with this man? No matter who else may be in your life romantically, you will always need to have a relationship with your daughters' father! He should be praising the fact that you are trying to remain civil with him, it is better for you girls if you and their father get along. He has to understand that their father will always have a place in your life because you share children.

You tell me you feel nothing for this man. You don't even like him as a person, but you accept his gifts of affection, and grant him your attention. In doing this you are giving him mixed messages. You are allowing him to think he has a chance by your actions.

If you are allowing your daughters' father to give you gifts then I have to agree with your husband here. There is no reason for you to accept anyting on your behalf from him, it is different if he is buying things for his children but for you is different. It is disrespectful to your relationship with your husband. You are giving him a false sense of hope if you aren't trying to establish a romantic relationship with him.

More so then anything allowing this man to take you or give you anything was a smack to the face in three ways. One, do you think if I was home I would allow this man to take you on a date? I wouldn't approve! Two, you put yourself in the control of another mans whelm by allowing him to drive you where he wanted. Three, it is my duty to buy you gifts of affection, his duty is to support his daufhters, you should have drawn the line at that, and threw that shit in the trash in his face, instead of dinner, where's support for the girls? You can buy your own meals.

I don't see his point here, this wasn't a date, at least it doesn't appear to be a date to me. He took you out as a sign of appreciation for all that you do for the children that you share together. Isn't that the point of Mother's Day? To honor the women who have the greatest impact on our lives!

Sonni, if you don't feel anything for this man, which I'm starting to have trouble with, why are you not putting your foot down? You need to be honest with yourself, an if you want no parts of this man in your life then do just that, then accept no aspect of him in that space.

You will always have to have dealings with this man because you have children with him. It is not a romantic relationship you need to speak with him, you have to co-parent your children with this man. Your husband needs to understand that and accept it.

I'm glad you were honest with me enough to tell me this but I am mad at you for disrespecting me an our circle. My love I love you and I trust you, this is not a trust issue, this is a respect issue but I love you more for telling me this but (real name) this boundary can't be violated ever again, I won't stand for it, I can't, I just won't.

How did you violate a boundary by accepting a kind gesture. If he's going to become upset everytime that you need to speak with or see your daughters' father then maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship. It seems as if he has some serious trust issues.

Baby this doesn't change my love for you one bit but I am a little upset to write at the moment.

Loving you alone
Your husband,
(Signature)

What the F#ck! Am I wrong? Is he over reacting? Should I not be mad? What was this Sh!t?


He is seriously over reacting here, he needs to accept that this man will always have a place in your life because of the simple fact that he is the father of 2 of your children. Your husband needs to grow up and accept this.

AllLockedUp
05-25-2008, 08:54 PM
I think the letter you wrote back to him was very well written. I do have to agree with him, for the most part, though. I do not totally agree with the way he approached you with his feelings on the issue. It could have and should have been done differently. I understand what you are saying about children needing to see parents interact in a positive and civil manner. But then I read on and see that, in fact, your husband has adopted your daughters. Which tells me that the other man gave up his rights and makes your husband their father. Or am I misunderstanding? Also, you have spoken of abuse and manipulation from this other man. I see where your husband is coming from. I do not agree with the manner in which he expressed his feelings though.

Mrs.Perez III
05-25-2008, 09:07 PM
AllLockedUp thank you for your reply and to answer your question my husband was able to adopt the girls after we agreeded and signed that the girls biological father would be able to see them whenever possible. My husband agreed.

donutandpickle
05-25-2008, 10:28 PM
I think the letter you wrote back was written so well like others have said. When most people get an "angry letter" they usually just write the person an "angry letter" back. But you actually wrote yours in a calm, mature way. And like my previous post said I still feel like he is going to be feeling guilty about the way he wrote that letter to you especially when he sees how much feeling you put into your letter back to him.

Mrs.Perez III
05-26-2008, 07:01 PM
To all the wonderful people whom have replied to my post, thank you. I'm mailing out the sample letter I posted as a reply to his. He will get it by Wendesday and I will have a reply by Saturday. I know he has money in his account for a calling card but he still hasn't called. I will keep you all posted on the outcome!

LovingSoul4u2
05-27-2008, 08:50 AM
That was the most beautiful letter! It brought tears to my eyes! I felt your love for him and I also felt your need for his understanding in knowing that you are doing what's best for your children. You expressed your feelings beautifully! I look forward to his response. God is shining through you!

jasonzwifey2011
05-27-2008, 09:26 AM
My husband says he completely trusts me but his letter is a complete contradiction to what he says. He knows for a fact that the girls father is still in love with me but I am 29 and grown. I know how to handle myself against this man. I fell like my husband doesn't really trust me and he is being way too jealous. AM I WRONG?

Hey Mrs.Perez.. After reading the letter (2x mind you LOL) I just think he's not feeling jealous, but disrespected by another man - like the kids father knows he's locked up and thinking "Hey I'm gonna move on in while he's away" But, I can see both sides of the issue - I went through some similiar things w/ my man's ex - he and her are still pretty close and try to maintain a good relationship for the "kids sake". While I trust him, it's very very hard to not speak up and for a while I always get so pissed at him because like your husband, I was like "she's disrespecting me by asking you to go out w/ her and the kids on a family trip" blah blah blah... It REALLY bothered me for a while because I'm like ok, if she needs something for the kids I can understand but why do she need to call YOU to come out with them to Chuckie Cheese for the day etc... So I had to get over it. Because it's true, the kids do need to see the parents getting along. I just really felt like he was sending her mixed messages about their relationship AND also giving the kids mixed signals that they might get back together. So I guess just try to talk to him and see where he's coming from and try not to be too mad. Remember, you knew there was nothing fishy going on but he's not there to see it AND he's probably feeling like he wished HE could have taken you out for Mother's Day etc...

Good luck and God Bless your marriage and you!!!

Shelsonme
05-27-2008, 10:38 AM
I just read all five pages and you did the right thing by writing that letter. You stood your ground. You know you have no romantic interests in your daughters' father and that is what counts. Your husband has to understand that you can't change who the children's biological father is and that you will continue to do what you feel is right for their sake. Good for you!

kare bear
05-27-2008, 10:47 AM
I see both sides but what if the roles were reversed? What if he had kids with an ex and she wanted to come and take him out for Father's Day? While you sat at home. Would that be okay? I see both points of view totally and I am on the fence. So much for a intelligent comment on the situation!

Mrs.Perez III
05-27-2008, 11:59 AM
I'm getting more pissed as the days go on since he still hasn't called! The reason for that better be so good!

In reguards to the shoe being on the other foot, no I wouldn't allow it because I wouldn't have got locked up! I am the type of women that welcomes people into my family wheather it be his ex or mine. If it was Fathers Day I would have cooked him dinner and invited both of his Ex's to bring both of his girls. I know jail changes men and makes them hard but this isn't going to play well when he comes home. Him and I both have dominant personalities. I don't take anyone talking at me or demanding things of me. CAN YOU TELL HOW PISSED I AM?!?!


I see both sides but what if the roles were reversed? What if he had kids with an ex and she wanted to come and take him out for Father's Day? While you sat at home. Would that be okay? I see both points of view totally and I am on the fence. So much for a intelligent comment on the situation!

LeBeau
05-27-2008, 12:15 PM
If it was Fathers Day I would have cooked him dinner and invited both of his Ex's to bring both of his girls.

I absolutely LOVE that!
Lady, you're my kind of mom and my kind of wife!

kare bear
05-27-2008, 12:50 PM
I'm getting more pissed as the days go on since he still hasn't called! The reason for that better be so good!

In reguards to the shoe being on the other foot, no I wouldn't allow it because I wouldn't have got locked up! I am the type of women that welcomes people into my family wheather it be his ex or mine. If it was Fathers Day I would have cooked him dinner and invited both of his Ex's to bring both of his girls. I know jail changes men and makes them hard but this isn't going to play well when he comes home. Him and I both have dominant personalities. I don't take anyone talking at me or demanding things of me. CAN YOU TELL HOW PISSED I AM?!?!


I meant no disrespect, just offering another point of view. And you get mad props for being so accepting! Seriously, I don't have to deal with any exes and I am so glad about that becuz I wouldn't handle it well.

I am sure you will hear from him soon. He probably had to take a couple of days and take the letter in. What you wrote was full of very good points and he has to deal!

Mrs.Perez III
05-27-2008, 12:59 PM
Thanks you, I wish my husband felt the same! I really do appreiciate your remark.

I absolutely LOVE that!
Lady, you're my kind of mom and my kind of wife!

Mrs.Perez III
05-28-2008, 11:21 AM
How the (beep) did I miss his phone call yesterday! He called his brother and told him that I'm not answering cause I might be mad at him! I was giving the kids a bath!

beto's prina
05-28-2008, 03:43 PM
WELL is there something we all are missing?? was your ex-abusive to u and ur children? or did u tell your present husband that he was?? WOW , THERES SOME REASON WHY HE REACTED THE WAY HE DID, AND IM SO VERY SORRY BUT I HAVE TO AGREE WITH HIM, IT IS A MATTER OF RESPECT.

leanneandjames
05-28-2008, 04:21 PM
It sounds like the dinner was innocent but I can also see your husbands point of view. I think He did a good job at relaying his feelings about it.

jayluvsme
05-28-2008, 04:42 PM
Well, I wouldn't be mad by this letter. When you marry you got to give up a few things. If you love your husband with all your heart then you have no reasons of leaving with the kids father. Yes, it was Mother's Day not Father's Day. Even if it was Father's Day, I wouldn't leave with another man. Number 1 is that I am married. You give up a lot of things when you're married. This is just how he acted out. Would you have done it if he was home. So think about it. I understand where he's coming from. I wouldn't even let it cross my mind. I love my fiance with all my heart and I'd never go out with my daughters father with or without him here. Yes, this is where trust comes in at. Yes I am very strong-minded and we have to be but also respect comes into play here. Sorry if you don't like my reply but honestly, I wouldn't have went out with him at all.

Mrs.Perez III
05-28-2008, 06:57 PM
He called me today! When he first called the jail systems phone was messed up so it kept saying I was deniying his phone call! Finally around 6 p.m. He got through to me and the first thing he said was ...(real name) I'm about to cry. I'm so sorry and I love you! I told him I loved him and said I guess you didn't get my reply letter yet? He said no but he was so sorry for the letter he wrote. He didn't think about it and he just wrote it in the heat of the moment. He said he wouldn't never do anything like that again...I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON WHY I LOVED THIS MAN!

meeganv
05-28-2008, 07:11 PM
YAY!! Yeah...if I wrote about conversations with my man that are "heat of the moment and reactive" as opposed to "simmering down and thinking about it", well, we'd both come off as major azzholes! :D It's so great that he came to the realization on HIS OWN, because that really shows his worth way better than having to wait to be chastized from you.

As for the post about having to "give so much up when married"...I'll just respectfully disagree and leave it at that. ;)

You done good, Mrs. Perez, and I'm glad your turmoil is winding it's way down.

rayswifey
05-28-2008, 08:23 PM
i agree with daisy and your husband on this one. i'm not saying that you should hate your ex and not be able to be civilize ith him but if going out to dinner with him causes a problem in your marriage then maybe you shouldn't. i aslo have to ask if your husband were outas he stated ould you have gone to dinner with your ex or ould you have declined out of respect for your husband.

lawoman
05-28-2008, 08:30 PM
Mrs.Perez-I'm glad your husband finally got thru to you and everything is okay-I loved your letter but sorry to say I did have to agree with his letter but not his "tone" he took with you. And I agree with jasonzwifey that I, too, have to deal with my man's ex girlfriend and although I agree that two people should act like they get along for the children's sake that they should not be sending mixed signals to the kids because in my mans case his 2 young kids are now seeing a therapist because the kids thought all along that mommy and daddy were getting back together since they always did things as a "family" so I just hope for your girls sake your ex is not telling them that there is a chance that you 2 are getting back together! Good luck to you!;)

Mrs.Perez III
05-28-2008, 08:59 PM
LOL....THANKS FOR THE POST MEEGANV.....

UM......RAYSWIFEY, I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW YOU ABOUT HAVING DINNER WITH HIM BECAUSE OF PROBLEMS IN MY MARRAGE? The only problem in my marrage is my huband in jail. If you could explain what you meant?

Jayluvsme, I haven't given up anything since I have been married and neither has my husband. We love each other for who we are and we meet in the middle on everything. I respectfull disagree with you but thank you for the post.

donutandpickle
05-28-2008, 09:45 PM
He called me today! When he first called the jail systems phone was messed up so it kept saying I was deniying his phone call! Finally around 6 p.m. He got through to me and the first thing he said was ...(real name) I'm about to cry. I'm so sorry and I love you! I told him I loved him and said I guess you didn't get my reply letter yet? He said no but he was so sorry for the letter he wrote. He didn't think about it and he just wrote it in the heat of the moment. He said he wouldn't never do anything like that again...I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON WHY I LOVED THIS MAN!
I figured he'd be feeling guilty over it once he had time to think on it. And it probably scared him out his mind when he thought the phone was blocked! Its really good the phone started working and you could clear things up! I'm happy to hear things turned out like this. :)

marie h
05-29-2008, 12:04 AM
Hey there...you are not wrong by your actions...I went through a divorce after 14 years of marriage...we have three beautiful babies and wouldn't change a thing...my man knows that I will always love my ex...he is the father of my babies...but he also knows that I am down with him...my ex was none to happy to hear about my relationship with someone who he supervises (works for DOC), but he says as long as I am happy....it is hard for my man to listen to the times that we have outside when the ex is around, but he also knows that I am 100% his and that the ex and I are done...it's hard, but it is over....good luck...stay strong....

My man knows that it is over between me and my ex also. He actually encourages us to have a strong relationship because of the kids. Not too long ago I was real sick and my ex helped me out a little. My babe thanked him for being there when I needed the help.

rayswifey
05-29-2008, 04:40 PM
i just meant that if by you having dinner with your ex causes your husband to become upset then that may lead to unwanted tension or agruments.

CONWIFE
05-29-2008, 05:57 PM
he does trust you. he just doesn't trust your ex. i have to agree with him. it was mother's day. he should have taken his mother out to dinner and you should be doing something with your children. there was no need for him to be involved with you or your girls on this particular day. i'm telling you this from experience. my ex constantly wanted me to take the kids to see him and i didn't trust him alone, so i went too. it turned out he was much more interested in seeing me than them. i agree that it was direspectful to him even though i'm sure you didn't mean it that way. if he wants to see the girls, then let it be chaperoned by someone you trust and you stay home. it's perfectly fine to go to family functions, school events, etc. just make sure other people are around and you are not attending with him but with your children. just because he's there doesn't mean you have to hang with him.

LovingSoul4u2
05-29-2008, 07:46 PM
I am so glad you got to talk to him! I am so glad that he realized writing that letter was a mistake. God is good all the time! There are times I am heated with my husband and I write a "hot" letter, I let that letter sit for a day or two to see if I still feel that way. Some times it goes in the mail but most of the time it doesn't. I am just glad that everything worked out for you.

Mrs.Perez III
05-29-2008, 08:38 PM
He said he wrote me a reply/sorry letter, I can't wait to get it!

Truth is I plan on staying far away from the girls Biological father, infact I plan on getting a restraining order on Monday.

TiffanyFL
06-13-2008, 08:42 PM
OMG I loved your reply letter to him, it was sincere, compassionate and stated your point in a firm yet loving manner. :thumbsup:

If he doesn't second guess or rethink the way that he approached you then that shows his character. I know that he loves you, but you are NOT his possession!! :angry:

I truly hopes that he can see where you are coming from and understand the complexities that are involved in this situation. I agree with you, children are more well rounded, and stable when their parents (either biological, adoptive or step-mother/father) can create a loving enviroment for them and put their differences aside for the sake of their children. And I do mean THEIR (all inclusive) because whether or not your husband wants to admit or even acknowledge it, their biological father is in their lives and does have an influence on who your daughters will grow up to be.