View Full Version : Is his VO against a woman?


luvssks
05-01-2008, 05:38 PM
Damian's VO was against a woman that stole from him. She snuck into his house, and he caught her, and proceeded to beat her pretty badly. He admits what he done and takes responsibility. He realizes his actions were wrong.

He's also been known to be violent with one of his ex-gf's.

(And, not to excuse his behavior in any way, but I do know that alcohol was always an involved when he became violent, so I know he has an alcohol problem...and he recognizes this as well).

So....yes, this does give me concern. (And yes, I've been to the DV forum up above...but don't really feel I belong there).

However...I do think he wants to change...and I do think he will be able to change, as long as he works at it.

Most, I know, would think I was crazy for even considering getting involved with him due to his past, and the fact he has been violent towards women. :( And, it is true that if it were someone else in my shoes, I'd probably tell them they were crazy.

Anyways, I was just wondering how many others here has a loved one that has a VO against a female...or am I the only one?

one_luv
05-01-2008, 05:47 PM
I have never been involved with a man who had a history of violence against women. That is something I can't accept. Most of us have our own ideals about what is acceptable and not acceptable in terms of their crimes. I know there are lots of women who have husbands and boyfriends who have been violent against women.
I believe that for a relationship to work, you have to accept your partner for who they are today. Wanting to change and actually changing are two different things.
Please don't think I'm judging you, because only you know what is best for you.

ALWAYS HERE 4 M
05-01-2008, 05:57 PM
No ma'am! = )

Rox73
05-01-2008, 06:32 PM
No it was against a man. No he has never been violent against women. That's a definite deal-breaker for me... no question about it.

I would never tell you that you're "crazy" luvss. But please please please be very careful and READ everything you can get your hands on. Just to be aware if he does in fact start showing you red flags. You may not belong in the DV forum but there is tons and tons of great information there... if only to understand where he came from (since you said he grew up in an abusive home). There is nothing wrong with reading and educating yourself about his past and what sets men who are violent towards women apart from other men. That way you can not only support him towards a better, non-violent future but you also can make an "educated" estimate of if he's truly making progress in breaking the cycle of violence that has been a part of his life for so long.

I understand that you don't want to become skeptical or question his love for you but if you really do make a point in understanding these things at least you can say for sure that you're not in any kind of denial.

One thing that needs to be corrected. Alcohol (or drugs) is never the REASON people become violent - alcohol doesn't MAKE anyone do anything. Either it's in them or it isn't. One proof of that is that when domestic violence occurs it is always so well controlled that the person who is doing it never breaks or destroys any of HIS things and makes a point in not hitting in places where it shows bruising... doesn't matter if they're drunk or not.

luvssks
05-01-2008, 06:53 PM
I would never tell you that you're "crazy" luvss. But please please please be very careful and READ everything you can get your hands on. Just to be aware if he does in fact start showing you red flags.

I have always been aware of "red flags" in all my previous relationships. That's why ppl that know me and know why he's in prison are surprised by me sticking by him. I've had men that would start getting controlling/possessive in relationships, and I would drop them in a heartbeat...I wouldn't even give them the chance to get physical. So, I know what to look for. DV, at one point, was my #1 dealbreaker....but I can't turn my back on Damian because of his past. I love him, and I feel he deserves the opportunity to change and to be loved.

You may not belong in the DV forum but there is tons and tons of great information there... if only to understand where he came from (since you said he grew up in an abusive home). There is nothing wrong with reading and educating yourself about his past and what sets men who are violent towards women apart from other men. That way you can not only support him towards a better, non-violent future but you also can make an "educated" estimate of if he's truly making progress in breaking the cycle of violence that has been a part of his life for so long.

:thumbsup: Ty for that advice. I have been up to the DV forum and have read around...but the reason I feel I don't "belong" is because I feel most of them believe a person cannot change.

He began trying to learn how to change how he reacts in anger, long before he met me. He's been down 5 years now, and has learned a lot about himself during the time he's been there. He seen his mom get beaten by different men, and he knows how that effected him, and he doesn't want his children witnessing the same thing and it effecting them. He is an intelligent man and is trying to learn to handle situations using his intellect instead of his fists. I also think seeing his father dying on death row really hit him hard; he doesn't want to be like that...he also knows how his fathers long incarceration effected him and the family, and he sees how his own incarceration is effecting the lives of his three sons, and he wants to change that.

One thing that needs to be corrected. Alcohol (or drugs) is never the REASON people become violent - alcohol doesn't MAKE anyone do anything. Either it's in them or it isn't. One proof of that is that when domestic violence occurs it is always so well controlled that the person who is doing it never breaks or destroys any of HIS things and makes a point in not hitting in places where it shows bruising... doesn't matter if they're drunk or not.

Oh, I am fully aware that alcohol does not make someone become violent...that is not what I was trying to get at in my post at all. He knows, as do I, that he is fully capable of being violent at any point. BUT, alcohol DOES lower one's inhibitions towards violence. Kwim? Just like, I am a sexual person and I may flirt a lot, but if I'm drinking, my sexual inhibitions are lowered, and I'm more apt to act and not just flirt. Not sure if I'm making sense...lol.

ahannah1561
05-02-2008, 03:26 PM
no never been voilent to a female

i say follow your heart, you will know when you have had enough! you seem to be a smart lady, so unless he is a socialpath, there is hope! i have ppl who tell me that i am in for big surpise when he is released bc he is a VO!! they dont even know him. i have been on both sides of the Domestic issues. i beat my first husband and then with my second karma kicked me in the A$$! so even tho my first husband does have a DO on his record i can say he is not a voilent person, i was.. so every situation is diff. and you are the only one who can make thoes desicions for you!

bernadette
05-02-2008, 03:46 PM
no my husbands VO was murder against another man

Jillian
05-02-2008, 09:41 PM
No my husband's wasn't against a woman actually he is in for robbery.

As far as what you and yours is going thru , i understand you say he wants to change, if he does tell him to take anger management classes and things while he is in. I am not going to judge you as i am not in your relationship.

Sade4us
05-06-2008, 10:23 PM
A woman was involved. Thatís my #1 issue that Iím having with all this. I was not afraid of him before and Iím not afraid of him now but I DO wonder if it could have been me. Wrong place; wrong time.

Luvssks,
Thanks for asking all these questions in this forum and others.
Itís got me thinking and also really pissed off. ;)

mrssunnyb
05-07-2008, 06:14 AM
No, My Husband's Vo Is Not Against A Woman.

timsbaby41
05-07-2008, 06:43 AM
No his was against a man

Em77
05-08-2008, 05:32 AM
Hubby's VO was not against a woman.

24jf
05-08-2008, 07:40 AM
My boyfriend's VO was against a woman.. his then wife. I can't say that I'm not concerned about our future, however, I do believe that people who want to change can change. I also know alot about their history and even though I know there is never suppose to be a reason to hit a woman, I personally don't agree with that. I've been in a relationship where I was the abuser and I can say that I would have deserved anything that was given back to me.

I say there is nothing wrong with believing in our men but at the same time we need to keep alert and protect ourselves.

Best of luck to you!! :grouphug:

SexyChef1
05-12-2008, 11:16 AM
Im wondering how many men admit to having hit or abused a women? Would my man tell me yeah I beat the crap outta my ex? I dont know that he would...now im wondering here.

luvssks
05-12-2008, 04:40 PM
Im wondering how many men admit to having hit or abused a women? Would my man tell me yeah I beat the crap outta my ex? I dont know that he would...now im wondering here.


It's one of the reasons I believe he truly wants to change and will be successful. Most men, I think would either deny it, or at the least sugar-coat it and play the blame game. Damian has NEVER done this...he told me straight up what he did, and that he knows it was his fault and places no blame on the women for it. He told me he was scared to tell me 'cuz he didn't want to lose me, but he felt that being honest was more important, and that he never wants to hurt the woman he loves (me) like that.

robs_angel
05-12-2008, 09:28 PM
Mine was against a woman. But remember only you know whats best for you and your life. People all the time tell me what to do how to feel how to think about him, but they dont know me or him just his crime and then they judge him and us.
but i know whats best for me
Sarah Moats

mojaveeamazon
05-13-2008, 12:26 AM
I think what-ever anyone says on here to you is not going to change your mind about being with a VO, or lets get to grass roots a woman basher. I'm sure in time, we on Pto will be hearing from you in the future ,under different circumstances.Wishing you all the best.

luvssks
05-13-2008, 07:21 PM
I think what-ever anyone says on here to you is not going to change your mind about being with a VO, or lets get to grass roots a woman basher. I'm sure in time, we on Pto will be hearing from you in the future ,under different circumstances.Wishing you all the best.

And obviously you've not read my previous posts in this thread. I am well aware of the warning signs...and I have NEVER allowed a man to put their hands on me in anger...nor will I. I've made this abundantly clear to Damian. BUT...Damian is more mature now, five years later, and in ten more years, I only imagine that he will continue to grow and become an even better man. I know this is what he desires...he no longer wants to respond with violence when angered, and he's been working on it and has made progress. AND, I think he deserves that chance.

Now, with that all said, if you don't have something nice to say...and I'm not referring to advice, 'cuz advice is always welcomed as long as it is done tactfully...then I would greatly appreciate it if you kept your negative opinions to yourself. Thanx.

robs_angel
05-13-2008, 09:36 PM
And obviously you've not read my previous posts in this thread. I am well aware of the warning signs...and I have NEVER allowed a man to put their hands on me in anger...nor will I. I've made this abundantly clear to Damian. BUT...Damian is more mature now, five years later, and in ten more years, I only imagine that he will continue to grow and become an even better man. I know this is what he desires...he no longer wants to respond with violence when angered, and he's been working on it and has made progress. AND, I think he deserves that chance.

Now, with that all said, if you don't have something nice to say...and I'm not referring to advice, 'cuz advice is always welcomed as long as it is done tactfully...then I would greatly appreciate it if you kept your negative opinions to yourself. Thanx.


:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup: Well said chick!!! WE love our VO and we know whats best for us, WE have to live OUR lives no else!!!!!!:rolleyes: YOU have support just have to pick out the bad seeds lol

love ya girl
Sarah Moats:p

AudraeG
05-22-2008, 12:25 PM
I definitely feel like anyone can change, even men who have been abusive to women in their past. I was in a situation where I was very abusive to my ex because I was dealing with alot but with counseling, prayer, and support I have changed and i know that i would never put my hands on my man again out of anger. I learned to walk away when I feel like I am getting to upset. To me there is no difference in a man hitting a woman or a woman hitting a man, they are both wrong but we all can change if we sincerely desire to do so.

barbie16118
05-22-2008, 02:17 PM
his VO was robbery..... no violence ever against women...

MurphyGirl
05-26-2008, 11:50 AM
Hubby killed two people. It doesn't change the circumstances that one of them was a female, she held the gun the same way a man would of held it and the bullet that came shooting out of that gun didn't move any slower or cause any less damage because it was from a womans gun. this woman was just as much a gangster as any man on the street. Her and her man were not innocent parties either, they thought they could rob my man but he showed them different. either way, they all paid with their lives.

HesMyForever
05-26-2008, 12:37 PM
penwife...very good point. In some cases, the female is just as dangerous as the male, and unfortunately when a loved one defends themselves against a female they are still looked down upon for it. :no: I'm sorry your husband is going through this.

robs_angel
05-28-2008, 10:51 PM
Hubby killed two people. It doesn't change the circumstances that one of them was a female, she held the gun the same way a man would of held it and the bullet that came shooting out of that gun didn't move any slower or cause any less damage because it was from a womans gun. this woman was just as much a gangster as any man on the street. Her and her man were not innocent parties either, they thought they could rob my man but he showed them different. either way, they all paid with their lives.


:rolleyes:As always Penwife, a very very good point:thumbsup:

Missin_My_Babii
09-04-2008, 10:10 AM
No, my husband's offense was not towards a woman.

LostTime
10-01-2008, 03:45 AM
No mine was NOT towards a woman it was towards 4 men

mrscooper
10-05-2008, 12:37 PM
my husband initial crime was against a ex girlfriend, I knew about this and shrugged my shoulders saying that was then, he wont ever hit me,,,, ummm,, i was wrong,,, almost immediatly the abuse started,,, so needless to say I called the cops after having two ribs broke and bruises i couldnt hide,,,, i should have never gotten involved with a man that had a history of DV,,,,, history always repeats itself.... my bad was thinking I could change him,,,,,,,,,,, i couldnt..........