Hi...

I live in New York State. My boyfriend is in the New York State Correctional system after I called the police. He did not harm me, but had in the past, though I never contacted those times. For some reason this time I did before things got out of control. He was found to be in violation of his DUI related parole and has been there for three months awaiting placement into a MICA program.

There was an order of protection made by the courts when he first went in and a few days after I requested it be modified so that we could still communicate. Unfortunately, this is sometimes the best opportunity for me to be totally honest, when he has his back up against a wall. There is a humbling that does not occur often otherwise.


Due to his mental health issues and chemical dependency issues...more so the mental health, it took rejection from two programs who felt they couldn't meet his needs to finally have him referred and subsequently accepted to an outstanding program in Pennsylvania.

During this placement process I have had to be very focused on making sure his paperwork got referred to appropriate parties, which was not difficult for me as I worked in the mental health field for years and know the programs and people who run them. His appointed attorney for his jailhouse parole hearings was absolutely incompetent and an asshole. So I am sure he was somewhat threatened by my actions, but instead of a program my boyfriend would likely be facing three years to finish out his parole if someone did not stay on top of this guy. This is agreed upon by his family, therapist...

ANYHOW...he is scheduled to go into this program anyday now. At his final hearing he did tick off his attorney, from what I understand (his family had to secure additional legal help to get things notarized, and just the sheer incompetence really got to him)SO I am sure my boyfriend had final closing choice words for him.

Here is the problem and the dilemma. It was stated in his hearing, that we cannot have contact because this was a DV call. I have not heard this directly from the PO, and left a message to ask about it almost two weeks ago and have heard nothing. My BFs parents heard this from the PO officer and my BF was told to sign a paper to this effect in parole court.

My BFs placement has been put on hold due to some interstate transfer issues. He is going crazy. This has been going on for too long. And, as we know, there is nothing rehabilitative about prison, especially for those with Mental Health issues.

He is begging me to visit. I have refused to pick up the phone for the past few days because you just never know if someone is being set up. I told his mother to let him know that I would visit tomorrow to calm him down.

Can they just change the order the way the did? Nothing between us happened to cause any change to the order allowing only civil contact.
In the past three months we really have been able to come to our own understanding about our situation , easier done when he is in jail (sad, but true).

Is this order change on their end legal? Can they trace calls? Should I reconsider visiting?

I am somewhat new to this. I don't want him to get in trouble, but I also don't want to be paranoid about the situation. Just don't know how the system really operates. I have not visited for the past week because of this, nor have I taken his calls for a bit. Again, we thought he would be gone and onto Pennsylvania last week, so he is really having a hard time.

Sorry for the ramble and thanks for any feedback.

Taralita - first things first - Welcome!

I'm trying to sort out what-all has gone on, and I'm not at all sure how you need to proceed. If the PO is the one who re-changed the no-contact order, then I suspect he is the one who will have to change it back. If you can't get in touch with him, then I would have to guess that you go back to the court that initiated and then modified the order, and have them modify it again. If you try to visit and the order really is in effect then the prison should be aware, and they will turn you away.

It really sounds like it was a DV case, because you called while in fear for your safety. And police contact while on parole clearly can get the order modified - especially if they were called to your home, and if you felt threatened. That part is definitely legal. Beyond that, a lot of what you need to do is just allow time to do its work. If he's going to get into this program regardless of the protection order, then the best thing may be to just sit back, take a deep breath, and let him get to his program. I know it can make everyone a little frantic, but if you can't change it, then you have to deal with it - him included.

The only other thing I can think of is to add to the conflicting impulses of the judicial system by getting a Power of Attorney from him. That would take a few days, certainly, and would probably have to be done through his parents, but it might help you gain some contact.

Lastly, and this is the toughest part - don't let your attempts to save him weld you to him. there are important differences between loving someone and having to save them, but things get blurred, and if saving him has become more important than your own safety, you might need to step back and re-evaluate. We all have visions of who an abuser can be if X or Y is just fixed, and we do love that vision. You haven't specified the psych problem, but you need to decide in a very clinical way if his violence toward you might still remain even if all other problems are resolved. That is often the nature of the beast, that the alcohol/drugs/bi-polar are finally managed, but the interpersonal violence remains.

Best of luck . . .
Nim

Thank you so much Nim. I am actually going to see him after church. I figure if they let me in, then the contact order may not be legit. His parole office DID clearly state to his parents that there should be no contact during a phone call this past week. But again, I have received nothing and he did not return my phone call to clarify when I asked. And my boyfriend does remember signing something to this effect at his parole hearing a few weeks back. But again...It involves me and noone has told me.

Your other points are well noted and I do consider them myself alot.
He often expresses real interest in improving his MICA issues when his back is up against the wall, but think he is wanting changes for other reasons too. But I will not be able to tell if he is serious or just going through the motions if we can't talk or communicate. More on that later.

I have seen your posts to others and you are wonderful in your comments (which I don't always feel are what we WANT to hear, but NEED to hear).

I will let you know if I get in and how this progresses. Have a nice day!

Tara

For my own reason's I have done much research on the no contact orders issued from DOC. I have found that they do not reach out to the victim because it is not their responsibility to do such, they probably won't return your call because their only interest is the person on probation or parole. They expressed to me that the parolee will know his limits, rules and the laws he must live under.
Good luck to you.