Please don't get me wrong I love my husband very much, I had major surgery April 25th I had a Hysterctomy. I have always been a large woman. But I have as some say a hour glass figure. Since the surgery I put on a little weight and my eyes have dark circles due to stress and also I was have radiation treatments because they found cancer cells in my uterus. (I apologize to the male members for my bluntness)
Today I recieved a letter from my husband, I had sent some pictures from a picnic that I took his daughter, niece and 3 nephews to. He said I looked "horrible in the picture, dark circles my arms are flabby" He says he wants me to lose 50 lbs. I weigh 212, I use to at one time weigh 240. He does love me very much he says, but the way he goes about telling me things hurt my heart. I started crying and did not even finish reading the rest of the letter. He sent me a picture that was taken back in 98, at that time I lost alot of weight due to stress and not eating at all. I cried and still am very ;upset about this. He may call today, and for the first time in our relationship of 6 1/2 years I do not want to talk to him. I have a beautiful heart and would do anything for anyone. I have a outgoing personality and always stay on the upbeat. But today is a very sad and upsetting day for me because this hurt so much. Please can anyone help me feel better about myself, because my self esteem has hit a real low

Oh, Tonygirl! That would have upset me greatly! Is he usually like that in his letters to you? I mean is he usually so blunt? Does he understand how major a hysterectomy is? What time is he supposed to call? Do you think you will say anything to him about it? Or would you rather say you were napping and missed his call? What do you want to do?

Not all the time, I really don't think he realizes. I am on the computer now so if he calls he won't get me, and I may just keep the computer on. When he calls I want to tell him how much it hurt what he said. I want to get drunk thats what I really want to do, my heart hurts so much as I write this I am crying. I am 47 yrs old, he is going to be 32 in August. I have been there for him longer then any woman he has had in his life. i visit him every month I send him money, none of that matter to me, what hurts the most is his words. I really don't want to talk to him right now. As he tells me I is just being honest, but at times honesty hurts, don't you think?

Yes, honesty can hurt. He really had some off timing with those remarks, to say the least. Maybe you are right to take the day off from talking to him. You know how we can all get when we are upset. If you talk to him today it might just be like throwing gas on a fire. I wonder if he realizes what he is saying to you? How it truly affects you?
Now, don't get too loaded to visit with us at the ladies night tonight! I understand the feeling, though! Can you take a walk outside or go for a ride? Something to shake off that low feeling you are having today? What do you like to do in Chicago on a pretty day like today?

TG-FIRST OF ALL YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL LADY!! I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU FACE TO FACE BUT I'VE SEEN YOU HEART TO HEART AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS- I AM SORRY YOUR HUSBAND HURT YOU WITH HIS REMARKS-THEY WERE VERY INSENSITIVE AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TELL HIM SO! AND I WOULD TELL HIM IF/WHEN HE CALLS TODAY EXCATLY WHAT YOU TOLD US-THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 6 1/2 YEARS YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM--BEING INCARCERATED IS HARD BUT IT DOES NOT EXCUSE DISRESPECT AND PLAIN HURTFULNESS!! I WISH I WAS IN CHICAGO SO WE COULD GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SATURDAY- BUT SINCE I AM NOT, I HOPE YOU WILL GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF-YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A VERY GIVING PERSON, TIME TO GIVE SOMETHING TO YOURSELF! YOU DESERVE IT!!! HOPE TO SEE YOU AT LADIES NIGHT TONIGHT-SMILE AND GIVE YOURSELF A BIG HUG FROM ME-YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL!!!

Cherokee....
Girl I feel your pain COMPLETELY... JD and I just very recently went through a similar issue..... I would love to call you and talk to you about this in person... any way you could PM me your number and I could give you a call tonight....
Just in case I don't catch you that way... let me tell you this... men often don't think about what they say before they say it and I think many times they say things that seem to us so BLATENTLY hurtful... and yet they never intended them to be that way.... When JD and I had this issue, he actually said he wanted me to lose weight because he doesn't want me to feel badly about myself... he wants to see myself as being beautiful.... however, how he said what he said at first, had just the opposite effect... it made me feel TERRIBLE about myself.... Take some time and distance from him if you need to.. but when you do talk to him, let him know how what he said made you feel.... I am sure he is really just concerned and he wants you to be healthy and happy... I just don't think they have any clue as to how difficult it can be to get that way.....
We love you girl.....

I'm glad you said that, Sherri. He was insensitive and there is no excuse for a grown man to act that way. I did not want ot say it quite like that, but if he can dish out the "honesty" then he should be able to take it, right?!
Tonygirl, I hope you do NOT take those remarks personally. We are not trying to judge your guy. We are trying to support you! He made a mistake talking to you like that and like Sherri said, you deserve to call his ass on it!! Pardon the language. I just can't tolerate verbal or emotional abuse, even as subtle as this instance.

Thank you so much, and if these remarks were coming from people who have nothing in common with me, yes I would get upset. But we all have something in common and it helps me alot knowing that I am not alone in this. He feels he's helping but he's not. He use to lift weights until he injured himself last year. Now all he can do is run, well he has all day long to keep himself busy. I work 40 hrs a week and try to maintain a releationship with his family even though some of them don't like me. I will be at the chat tonight and hope to talk to all of you. Thanks a bunch, I feel alot better. I started waxing the floors so I have worked out a little frustration. But I don't want to talk to him right now and I think that is the best thing to do because I may say something I am going to regret. And again thanks. I am smiling now and not crying

Tonygirl: This hits me so close to home it hurts. 7 years ago I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. My husband Jack has been incarcerated for 23 years...goes back up for parole in 2009...Anyway, The diagnosis and the surgery completely tore me up. I had tried to get pregnant for many years, the hysterectomy, along with the cancer, put any chance..even as tiny as the chance was, completly out of reach. That time was the worst of my marriage. Jack was not, and has never been down on me for my weight. I weighed 200 when we married and in the last 8 years I have gained another 50...(they tell me it is the hormones I take...but it is really the food I stuff in my face...Oh well). I am the one that freaked....I blamed him for not being there for me...for letting me down...for leaving me all alone. Now mind you, Jack was in prison when I met him and when I married him...and I have always known how much time he has. But, my sadness and anger and fear from all of this...well, I allowed it get the best of me. I walked away from my husband. Looking back now, I think I was trying to prove that I was still a woman...that I still had some "youth" left. ( I was 39 at the time). And what I did I am very ashamed of. I allowed "Jody" into my life...ended up living with someone else. The odd part was that I would never file for divorce....and today I am 100% grateful that I did not. Jack and I reconciled this January 1st...I was gone for 5 and a half years. And you know what he said when he walked into the visiting room and saw me after so long without even a letter from me??? He put his arms around me ands said" Well, old woman, it's about time...welcome home."

I guess what I am saying mostly is...maybe, just maybe your husband is scared...feeling bad that he could not be there for you...or whatever. Tell him how you feel...tell him that he hurt your feelings. Tell him you love him. He may open up and let you in on what he is really feeling.

I pray that this all works out for you and him. God Bless

Oh Tonygirl---

It saddened me to read your post--you are obviously a caring and compassionate lady. It is a gift to have someone like yourself to share their life with. I too, have had my share of weight battles in my life. It is always painful to have someone else--even being helpful--comment. I've been using this time while my husband is away to get in shape--this I am doing for me. My husband thinks I am beautiful--tells me each and every visit that I look great. I wish I could see myself through his eyes at times! In anycase--it means the world to me that he loves all the parts of me. I'm sure your husband does too--men can be insensitve.

Don't let this bring you down and do yourself a favor--let him know how you felt about his comments. You will both benefit.


Take good care of you...

Molly

Men can be so absolutely stupid sometimes can't they? And say the most awful things! I don''t blame you at all for feeling hurt and like you don't want to talk to him, I would feel just crushed myself if my husband said something like that to me! And I would certainly let him know how it made me feel as soon as I had calmed down enough to talk to him again. It might not change his attitude, but at least it would make me feel better to tell him!!!!!!!

Cherokee,

I understand completely ... been there, done that.

You definitely need to let him know just how much his remarks hurt you. And, try to explain to him how the surgery and chemo are affecting your body.

I've always struggled with my weight, and when I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago, I thought losing weight would become much easier. (I didn't have any cancer cells, but they removed tumors equivalent in size and weight to a 7-lb fetus.) During my recovery, when I could hardly stand to eat or drink anything for 2 or 3 weeks, I gained 19 pounds! The doctor said a rapid weight gain following this type of surgery is not all that uncommon, and she advised me not to try to lose weight too quickly because it can take up to a year to fully regain your strength after major surgery.

About a year after surgery, I was able to lose 25 pounds, but it's still a struggle to lose the rest.

I was heavy when my husband & I got married, and he had some issues with my weight. (His entire family was blessed with good genes that allow them to eat anything they want and remain trim. He thought a person had to purposely overeat in order to be overweight. Have I been able to educate him!) What turned his thinking around was seeing a special on TV about Princess Diana and how Charles' insensitive remarks pushed her from being a compulsive eater to more serious eating disorders. He was incensed that all Charles seemed to see in Diana were those 15 extra pounds. And, then, he admitted that he'd allowed himself to do the same thing with me - let my extra pounds get in the way of everything else. He apologized profusely and has never nagged me about my weight again. He tells me how beautiful I am all the time, and even though I'm far from being a beauty queen, I think he means it.

I think your husband simply needs an education. If he treats you right in every other way, then try to bear with him. Men just don't realize how sensitive we are about our weight and how devastating even casual criticisms about the way we look can be. We have to teach them, and we have to be very honest with them about the way we feel.

He also needs to understand that you are dealing with a lot of stuff right now and that weight loss isn't a top priority. You've got to get over the surgery first!!

I'm wishing good thoughts for you. You sound like a lovely person, and I hope that your husband, like mine, realizes that a woman's weight doesn't have a darn thing to do with the kind of beauty that lasts a lifetime.

You can also get some great support in the Weight Watchers chat room. Just go to www.weightwatchers.com and register for the chat. You don't have to be a member of WW to use this part of their website.

Hello to you all,

Most of you I never met - I'm not so much around ! Sherri you just said the right words to Tonygirl. You said very wise words !

Tonygirl keep the faith.
Jejke

Cherokee,
I have read your post, of course, & all the answers. How true all of them are. I had to have a hystorectomy at age 40 & found out that my then husband had been cheating on me....
that marriage ended in divorce & we both regreted it for the rest of our lives. He has been deceased for over 3 years now & I still miss him greately! Our tongues are unruly members & can often get us into trouble. If only all of us could see everyone from the heart department & not the looks. I, too, am sure that your husband was thinking of your health. Many men do not know how to express themselves. Remember, we females are the ones who have the gift of conversation & beautiful words! Also, sometimes we don't appreciate the water until the well has run dry! My new husband has been incarcerated for 15 years & we married on Mar. 13 of this year. I am several years his Sr. & several pounds overweight, too, but he never mentions either one. In fact, he usually gets upset with me when I mention that I am older! I keep myself clean, dress nicely, keep my hair done, work my butt off (not literally, of coursea) & as you said, send him money, visit when & can afford to, etc. I am the only one that has stayed with him for the past 18 mos. All his "younger" women had other things to do & didn't want to wait for him. In fact, he had a big tattoo done on his back with a beautiful half nude woman with large busts & a caption that says,"older women are beautiful lovers". He loves me for my heart & soul, not my short squatty body.
As soon as you get over the trama of all of this, you will feel so much better. I wouldn't take my money back for my hysto.
Good luck & hang in there. We're all pulling for you.
Yours in F. L. & T.
Diana

cherokee ~ sherri is right, what was said to you was insensitive and mean. love isn't about size or hair color or breast size, or how flabby someone's arms are. love is about trust and compassion and empathy and support and friendship. as everyone has said, i would tell him his remarks were cruel and how they made you feel. you ARE a beautiful woman...know that.

CHEROKEE

(I LOVE YOUR NAME) THESE GIRLS ARE SO VERY RIGHT... LOVE IS NOT ABOUT ANY THING UGLY... IT IS KNOWING EACH OTHERS HEART TO THE FULLEST... TELL HIM HOW IT HURT.

LOVE YA
DONNA

Wow, I'm so happy to read all the wise and beautiful posts. I've always believed that beauty comes from within and the ones who really care will always see that beauty first and foremost. Too often we get caught up in the physical and outside of the package...I so blame societies promotion of this.
I have always been a medium built person, but thanks to a love of working out and sports...I can usually control my natural tendency to gain weight...Oooooo but I see the days getting harder as I get older...lol
But I've never had a guy tell me to gain weight before and my guy thinks I should...I just have to laugh and smile, because one day he will probably get what he asks for and I'll be the first to remind him!!

Tonygirl,
I have been in the same boat with James. I've known him for over 16 years and we have 2 beautiful daughters. He has been in and out of prison all the girl's lives. Anyway, I am also a large woman, and when James wants to really upset me, he throws it at me. All the girls he has cheated on me with has been these barbie doll type girls. Anyway, they only wanted his connections and then they would dump him and he has always came running back to me. Finally, when he went back to prison this time, I flat out told him how I felt and how I am the only one who has ever stood beside him and he needed to realize that I could have walked away from him because of always being locked up. I also told him that he or anyone is ever perfect, and that shouldn't matter. The deal is to love the person for who they are. Not because of physical features. Because for truth to be known, alot of these men wouldn't have us if that was the truth. Anyway, James realized what I said was true and he begged for my forgiveness.And it has been over 2 years since that day, and we haven't had that talk since.
Just tell him how you feel and remind him that no one in this world is perfect.
Sherry:yes:

Sherryu you said all the girls your man cheated on you with were Barbie Doll types. Well the opposite is true with me. When my ex-husband and I split I could not believe the ugly woman he took up with; who was also MUCH larger than I am! I am small/medium size and she was just gross!!! So I'm not sure what point this proves but there must be one!