Hi All,

I finally got myself out of the abusive relationship I was in about 4 months ago. My son's father and I were together for about 8 years. He was a huge alcoholic and drug abuser. He would come home drunk and high and always start fights with me, most of them turned violent. I gave back to him as much as I could without being seriously hurt. I should have learned that he was a lot stronger than I am. About 4 months ago I finally had him arrested for assault. He was ultimately charged with 2 misdemeanor charges for assault and 1 misdemeanor endangering the welfare of a child. In the process of our last fight, he threw something at me and it accidentally hit my son (he was 11 months at the time). He was just released on bail about 2 weeks ago and has since called me a few dozen times. He originally wanted to get back together and I told him no. I told him that I had found someone else and that I'm happy with my decision. To my surprise he was ok with it. He said he'd like to remain friends. I'm not sure if I can do it. I love him and always will and I realize that the only time we had any arguments was when he was drunk. He's said that he stopped drinking and smoking (crack)... I'd love to remain friends for my kids sake but for mine I'm not so sure. The man I'm seeing now is fantastic. He's serving time in Shawangunk CF in NY but it's been really great. He gets really nervous that I'll be hurt by him yet again, and he's not in a situation where he can help me. He's also afraid that I'll take him back and he'll be hurt by me. That I can assure you will never happpen!! I guess I'm stuck. Part of me wants to remain friends with my ex, but I'm not sure if I can trust him. I don't want to hurt the man I'm seeing now. He means a lot to me. Ultimately the decision I make isn't for me it's for my kids. Who are they better off having in there life? By the way I also have a 10 year old daughter. My ex is the only father she's ever known. She knows all about my new man and she's totally ok with it. Any advise you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Well, I feel very qualified to respond to this, since most of my life till I was 40, I spent in abusive relationships. To my sorrow, being raised with seeing me abused, my two daughters went on to being with abusers, too, even though I had sought counselling when they were 10 and 15. They still followed in my footsteps and that's the unfortunate legacy we give to our daughters.

When I was in the women's shelter for several months and getting counselling, one thing I learned is that abusers (and often they're alcoholic/addicts) are some of the most wonderful lovers in the world. Unfortunately, there are always those extremes. You can't blame the substance abuse totally for the abuse, either, because that will often continue even if they clean up, because it's a sign of deeper problems. My last abuser nearly killed me and I had counselling from a Vietnam POW counsellor for flashbacks, but to this day, I can honestly say that I had a love for him that I still sometimes feel. I had to accept, though, that it's toxic and would never be anything else but toxic.

Don't let your love for this man draw you back into the situation is my serious advice. There are many reasons for it. One is that if you go back, he'd probably relapse. Another is that even with counselling, the abuse never really stops. But the biggest reason is to give yourself hope that it won't be a legacy you hand down to your children. Children learn what they live and that's more powerful than anything you could ever say or advise them.

I'll keep you and the kids in my prayers. Just stay away from him. If he insists he has a right to see his son, let it be supervised visits conducted under the eye of the CSD workers, without you even there. Often the visitation with the child is just an excuse to have access to you.

Hi Debbiedoo and welcome to PTO!!! You know something? This could be the greatest time of your life BECAUSE you have a most wonderful opportunity to concentrate, not on your ex or on your current man but on YOURSELF! You're not with your ex, and your present loved one is doing time. It's time for you to take a trip of discovery to see what you're all about, what makes YOU tick, etc.

Why am I taking the focus off of the men and onto you? Because all this time we women (Nurturers Extrordinaire) take care of our men, our children and totally forget about ourSELVES. I spent the first two years doing preventive maintenance, watching my back with CPS and the prison system, making sure to be there for my man with lots of emotional support. But eventually it takes it's toll on your own mental health and spirituality and then we're no good to ANYONE.

So I got back out to see what I like to do, what's really important to me. I got involved in community projects like feeding the homeless, which I totally ENJOY. I took up a hobby (I'm a Toastmaster and use my big mouth to major advantage at club meetings!) I take mini trips just by myself to see what more fun things there are to do in life. And this was the BEST thing that I ever did for myself because I feel more well rounded as a person, a parent and a partner to my Loved One. It boosted my confidence to the SKIES.

So please consider my suggestion. And as always, please keep yourself and your family safe and well. You can't do the Discovery Trip if you instinctively feel that you or your family are in danger. My thoughts are with you.