Okay, after I left my (ex)husband who was abusive, it took a long time before I was "normal". It's been years now, but my voice still shakes if I feel threatened or get scared, or I stutter. Sometimes when someone reaches out to touch me I slink back or jump. That's what he left that lingers...and this place on my chin where the bone was crushed in with his violent hands.
Sometimes I still hear him in my head yelling at me. Sometimes I even yell at myself to fill the void, or yell at my kids to take his place. It's almost like it will never go away. How do you make it stop? :mad:


(My profile pic. is of my NEW man...trust me I'm not waiting for my ex!)

The time it takes to reclaim yourself is different for everyone, and the ways in which it manifests vary a bit for everyone, but here are a few tips that will help yu along the way....

Get counselling! Go to a therapist that specialises in DV, or a survivors group, or both... you may have to try a few different therapists before you find the one you can relate to well enough to effectively work with, but don't give up on the idea- especially if you're finding yourself lashing out.

Cling tight to your friends- the ones in the "real world" and those on-line. Don't try to be a hero and make like everything is ok when it's not.

Make a concsious effort to return to things you enjoyed before you met your ex- this might be a hobby, a social activity, a favorite band or type of music or even foods- There are a lot of us that gave up something we loved because at the time it did not seem like our Eagles albums or eating yoghurt was worth fighting for- we were wrong, and reclaiming the little things has a big effect.


(side note to anyone reading this who is wondering about red flags-You need to take it seriously if you get yelled at or ridiculed for your preferences as opposed to teased the difference is that teasing makes you laugh, ridicule makes you cringe... but owning Helen Reddy or eating peanut butter and onion sandwiches shouldn't be something you're made to feel is more trouble than it's worth)

Keep a journal.

Others will be along to offer more advice.... hang in there, Darlin', it's uphill some days, but it gets better.

Make a concsious effort to return to things you enjoyed before you met your ex- this might be a hobby, a social activity, a favorite band or type of music or even foods- There are a lot of us that gave up something we loved because at the time it did not seem like our Eagles albums or eating yoghurt was worth fighting for- we were wrong, and reclaiming the little things has a big effect.




That is some excellent advise! I didn't even realize I had done that myself when the relationship was finally over.
These abusive people do tend to rob us of our passion in life, and reclaiming what you gave up for him/her is a big step toward healing.

You've got a hang-over from violence, and sometimes that's called PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Counseling is usually the best option - sometimes EMDR is a very good treatment - look it up.

If it doesn't really make that much difference in your life, then you can just go on, but if those little vibes seem to take up too much of your life energy, then go find a therapist. Defiance of the past works sometimes, but when the scars are too deep, we start to forget who we actually are, and counseling can get us back on track.

I wished I knew the answer to this one myself. Sometimes a shadow on the wall in the middle of the night sends me into a panic. For that brief moment between sleep and not being sure if I am awake or in a dream. The panic sets in and I fear that he is back, that I never left, and I sometimes feel my stomach to see if this has all been just a bad dream and everything is as it was. It's some scary stuff for those brief seconds until I realize I am in my room and he isn't coming for me.
And we will all just pretend that I didn't just write that because it shows I still have some mighty crazy issue's going on in my head. ;) :rolleyes:

And we will all just pretend that I didn't just write that because it shows I still have some mighty crazy issue's going on in my head. ;) :rolleyes:

No, sokie. Not crazy at all...there's no pretending you never said it either.
You are now helping someone else. :love: Love you, gurl!

Zoe, there's alot of love in here, and none of it will ever make you feel like you have to part with a piece of yourself.
I still shake sometimes too. My voice wavers sometimes still.

But remember, now we are "safe".
Now we have each other, and can come here and release the pent up anxiety of the abuse little by little , at our own pace.
I'm re-living it more often than I ever imagined...haunted more than I "should" be...
But these women and men here at PTO are an amazing support.
It will pass. It takes time. More time for some than others.
While you take that journey...we're here. :grouphug:

It's been over 20 years since I left him. I think for the most part I am over "it." What lingers for me, is the effects of SA on the kids we had together. I can't get over, someone hurting my children.
For me specifically, rarely does my husband, "yell", but I can't tolerate it, at all. Even if he raises his voice, not at me, per se, but if we're having a heated talk about $, for example, I have to remind him to lower his voice, or I will walk out of the room. I just can't deal with that.
Another stupid thing, my "ex" used to come into the kitchen or wherever, and grab my waist from behind. If I'm cooking, and my husband grabs my waist, I nearly lose it! I jump, I can't stand it. Now, my husband does it to show affection, my "ex" did it to deliberately bug me. I've been married close to 20 years, my husband does not "grab" my waist , he will come home, and "squeeze" my shoulders in a hug, or something like that if I'm in the middle of doing something.
To me it's the stupid little things that have remained, though sometimes I have to remind myself to have more self esteem, I have to remind myself that I don't have to "prove" myself to anyone. These are internal battles, I "hide" those struggles from most people
Time will help heal....

You guys are awesome! It's nice to know that I'm not alone. Thanks for the encouragement!