MY BOYFRIEND WAS INCARCERATED 2/4/02 FOR REVOKE OF PROBATION AND AGGRAVATED ASSAULT. WHEN THEY BARELY LOCKED HIM UP I HAD ASKED HIM HE WANTED ME TO WAIT FOR HIM. AND HE SAID NO HE SAID THAT " 2YEARS WAS TO LONG FOR ME TO WAIT FOR HIM" AND THAT HE WANTED ME TO GO ON WITH MY LIFE. THEN LATER HE CHANGES HIS MIND AND TELLS ME HE WANTS FOR ME TO WAIT THE 2 YEARS I LOVE HIM ALOT AND I TOLD HIM I WOULD. THE ADVISE I NEEDED IS DO YOU THINK I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING IN WAITING FOR HIM? AND HOW CAN I REASSURE HIM THAT I AM GOING TO BE FAITHFUL. THANKS . WAITING PATIENTLY IN SOUTH TEXAS

No one but you can decide if your making the right decision. You need to decide what "going on with your life means?" You have to continue learning and growing as a person. The only way to reassure anyone is to be honest and true. Once you are destinquished as a loyal person Trust is the reasurrance. You earn it by walking the walk and talking the talk. Unless he has issues of insecurity and requires a verbal promise I think that is all you can do, Good luck and don't forget to live. When you become wiser and better person so will he.

Torrey thank you so much for taking the time to hear me out. I know that my fiance knows that I love him. I just want to reassure him that I will be with him through the thick and thin. Thank you again you have no idea how much you have helped THANKS AND GOD BLESS.

if you are in love with him you can do it. i have 5 years to go just finished a year. it is not fun but my love is growing stronger and i think he's trying to push me away in fear that i won't stay. 2 years is a cake walk and will be done before you know it. your doing the time right along with them though. if you can get through a prison relationship i think you'll be able to get through anything.

I have been waiting 2 years and am not sure how many more I have to go. There are pending charges and other complications to I just take it day by day and never lose site of the fact that I love him. Some days are harder then others but I always make it through.

I also have at least two years... perhaps close to three depending on good time issues.... I agree that taking it one day at a time is good... and also agree that really this time can really make a relationship stronger. I know in my case, we are able to really get to know one another's hearts and minds, without having to deal with the day to day domestic stuff for right now... and unfortunately there is no way possible for our relationship to be based on sex... :)
I know that our relationship is very genuine though and if we can make it through this, we can look back on this time for the rest of our lives and say to ourselves "we made it through THAT... so this (whatever we may be facing) isn't so bad afterall...." :) Just follow your heart.... I know mine is with JD... and that he is where I find happiness.... If you can relate to what I am saying, then perhaps you have your answer....

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR FEEDBACK YOU GUYS! IT IS VERY ENCOURAGING TO ME. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU ALL HAVE HELPED. IF YOU ALL DONT MIND I HAD ANOTHER QUESTION. MY FIANCE HAD CALLED ME AND ASKED ME TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIM HE TOLD ME TO GO TO A DECAL STORE AND PUT A DECAL ON MY CAR WINDOW SAYING OUR NAMES TOGETHER? WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHY DOES HE WANT ME TO DO THIS? DOES HE NOT TRUST ME ? I DIDNT QUESTION HIM BUT HE SAID THIS " LETS SEE IF ANYONE WILL FLIRT WITH YOU NOW" I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK OF IT.

do what you want to do. that sounds kinda silly to me. how old are the both of you? you know you should talk to a guy. getting advice from girls in these situations seems kinda useless hopefully jaxtabram won't mind me doing this but he's on here look him up. he gives damn good advice. he's been through the ropes. it was in the U.K. and I'll tell you our boys are in heaven compared to what he was living in from what I understand. but he's on here. give him a hollar.

I am 18 but was forced to mature very quickly I have a 3 year old son that will be 4 in may, He is 21 and he also has a little girl. We are both very young and I dont really know if that has anything to do with it. Everyone tells me that why I should waste my time with him or even wait but I have never loved anyone like I love hi where can I find that guy that you are talking about Can you please help thanks for your reply

Coco...
It sounds to me like the decal would just be a way for him to let the world know you are "his." If it makes him feel better, and if sounds like fun to you ok. I wear a ring on my finger that is a symbol of me and JD and I know that gives him great comfort in the fact that I wear it on my left hand. Somehow he believes that even though it is a pearl ring, because I have a ring on THAT finger men will know I am "taken." :) In a way it is silly, but men do all sorts of silly things that make them feel manly (no offense men). :)

The day me and my fiance met we have always been together . When they locked him up 2/04/02 Every Sat/Sun he has visitation privliges but the problem is that he has a baby with another girl. The first weekend he had to pick who he wanted to see because he is just allowed one visit a day that saturday he picked her after I had been waiting outside in the line since 3:00a.m. I had to leave that same day he calls and tells me to go visit him on sunday so i go and she is there so I go and ask the sheriff to ask him who he wanted to see and he picks me. She never went to visit him again. When I ask him if he still loves her he says he didnt but a few weeks later I asked him again and he told me that he didn't know how to tell me that he did still love her but was going to forget about her while doing is time. He always tells me the truth even though it may hurt. I think if he really loved her wouldnt he want to be with her and his family and not put anything in jeopardy. He wants to get married when he gets out , But how do I know he really doesnt want to be with her He asks me "What do you want me to do to really prove that I LOVE YOU" should I put him to the test.

do you need to put him to the test? I think you should ask yourself if you want to put him to the test? Because if you put him to the test, he might do or say something to prove he loves you, and you might take it wrong, since you already have some doubts about what he feels for the other woman. I just know that, when you have doubts, you will see 'prove' that confirms your doubts a lot sooner.

If he asks you what he needs to do to prove to you that he loves you, I think this already shows that he really does love you, since he wants to prove it to you. If he wouldn't love you, he wouldn't want to prove it,right? He would want you not to think about it too much, so would keep quit, hoping that you will not start to have doubts, you know what I mean?

Just think about what he has done for you, and you for him, what you have been going through together and look for signs that tell you that he loves you, not for the signs that tell you he probably might possible not love you.
trust on your hearts and feelings!!

the guys I talk to in prison, who have or had a girlfriend when they had to go to prison, have told me that, although they love their girl very very much, they tell them that they have to go on with their lifes. The reason is that they (the guys) don't want to be wondering each and every day if his girl is being faithful or is cheating on him, this makes things harder for him and might even get them into trouble, if this is frustrating them....might explain what he said to you...

me again...i seem to keep forgetting to tell everything i want too...just wanted to say that you should NOT listen to people that tell you you should not wait for him. they don't know what you feel for him and they are not in your situation, just trust on yourself, him and your love

What can I do for him to prove is love to me? A TATTOO or what I do believe he does love me but he has a hard time showing it he might say he does but he is not so emotional or sentimental like I am , So what can I do to make him prove his love to me

thanks,

Let me say this I don't think competing for the attention of your man against the ex is a good idea. Since they have a baby together she will always be a factor. What you need to do is figure out if you trust him. If not then you have a hole nother issue. Honey the decal thing is just his way to feel better. Do what you want.

Remember this time can bring you together or tear you apart but you need to remember to be flexable and also I would suggest to be patient. Prison can really be intense and you are going to get the brunt of this frustration. You need to be ready for that and not take it personal.

Yes you are young and that is part of the reason he is so worried. He needs to feel like your never going to abandon him or leave him. Men talk to men and a lot of men have been left to do there time by themselves, so when they talk they put ideas into other men's heads. Is she really faithful, do you trust her and all that mess. Just be reasuring and remember it is hard for both of you. Always try to be honest with him and reassure him that he can be honest with you.

Let this time strengthen you will be glad you waited. Remember every relationship has problems and even if he is in there it don't not mean you will not have problems. Just try to do your best to work through them.

:p

Hey COCO,
If you really do believe that he loves you, why does he need to prove it to you by a tattoo or some other material way? My husband has 4 kids from two previous marriages. His ex-wives are just that, ex! But there would never be a question if it came down to me or his kids. He would choose his kids, but that's a great thing. Too many parents don't want to "pay the price" after they play. If you want him, you'll have to accept that he has a child, and be happy that he still cares about that. Just because he still loves his child, doesn't mean he still loves the mother.
Unfortunatly for us, we're the ones that are "free" and we're the ones that have to "prove" our love day in and day out. A way to "prove" yourself to him, is to accept his child and their bond gracefully and happily, that will eventually bring you two closer together.
If you try to force more on him than he's already dealing with, it will get ugly, I speak from experience. Help him get through his tough times and find someone that you can vent to. Like us!
Good luck

yeah, I have to agree. I'm not in a romantic relationship with the guys I write, but I always show interest in their babies, and I know they appreciate it so much;. they tell me it shows that i really care, it proves to them that i'm for real.

HI COCO...my husband is also doing 2 years(on a probation revocation also!!) and we are also from south texas..mission exactly..My husband is currently in Hidalgo County Jail..anyway i am 24 and also had to grow up quickly..(we had our first baby at 16) I am having the same issues with my husband being worried if I will be able to wait for him adn I tell him there is nothing I can do but tell him that he knows how I am and how I love him..He wonders if I wear my wedding ring adn I always reassure him..although I dont have the factor of another woman you have to have a good open relationship with him...it is good that he is honest with you even if it hurts(stephen-my husband-has a very hard time with that!) If I may ask how long have you two been together? Anyway..if you really love eachother you two will get through anything you want to!! Keep communicating even though it is tough!! Where in south texas are you??

Hey There,
I thought I would add my .02 worth to your quandry. Although I'm married, I love my husband very very much. he too told me that he didn't want me to feel as if I had to wait on him. He's been in prison since 9/01 and will be there until 11/06. He was put in county jail 3 years ago, and we weren't married at the time. He got out on bail. But when he was initially arrested, we were engaged. He told me he didn't want me to wait for him. But I just let him know that I loved him. I wrote to him almost everyday, but since I was in TN at the time, and he was in NC, I couldn't go see him like I wanted to. I think that time and re-assurance takes care of a lot of things. It's so very very hard at first. And it does get a little easier. But in my own little experience, we've done well because I've just re-assured him that I love him. I send him little things in the mail, and I write him all the time. He get's a letter almost every day, and I believe that has helped almost more than anything. And even though he's 38 and I'm 37 I not only wear my wedding band, I also wear his class ring. It has yarn wrapped around it because it's so big. But it seems to make him happy to see me with it. Little things like that. I coudn't do a tattoo though. Just not into those things. And since they ARE permanent, I think I might would wait a bit before I did it. Anyway, just wanted you to know that there are ALOT of insecurities, no matter where they are doing their time, the age, or the time. It's everywhere. Good luck honey!

Pammie

I AGREE WITH PAM--INSECURITY IS BRED AND FED IN THE PRISON SUB-CULTURE. EVEN A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS STRAINED BY WANDERING MINDS AND HELPLESS FEELINGS. I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT TO JUST KEEP IN MIND THAT DOUBTS HE MAY VOICE ARE NOT REALLY PERSONALLY DIRECTED AT YOU--THEY ARE AN OUTWARD EXPRESSION OF HIS VERY REAL PERCEPTION OF HIS OWN LACK OF CONTROL. JUST BE REAL, SHOW LOVE, AND YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.

TAKE CARE

SHERRI

I'm new to all this but I do understand your concerns. My husband originally was arrested on 11/19 of this past year and when we found out that they MIGHT revoke his bond since they "found" more info on him we went ahead and got married in secret on 1/31/02 and sure enough his bond was revoked on 2/5 and thus we are married but yet seperated as well. Why did I marry him people ask me... basically it was to set his mind free from worry... like someone mentioned in an earlier post... they worry if we'll be faithful, etc. I personally think that the best thing for you to do is just continue pouring your heart and thoughts into letters to him.. keep them upbeat and always be there. A letter a day can only show him how much you think about him on a daily basis! Just my thoughts.

:confused:



MONDAY I SENT MY BOYFRIEND 60DOLLARS IN HIS COMMISARRY TRUST FUND AND HE CALLS ME LATER THAT DAY AND I ASKED HIM IF HE RECIEVED THE MONEY AND HE GETS MAD AND HE SAYS I ALREADY TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING ME ANY MONEY, I ASKED HIM WHY AND HE SAYS THAT SOMEONE HAS HIS ID NUMBER AND IS SPENDING IT BEFORE HE CAN EVEN GET TO IT, I FELT SO BAD BECAUSE HE DIDNT EVEN SAY THANK YOU OR TELL ME NICELY:( I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HIM OH AND BY THE WAY I DID GET THE DECAL FOR MY CAR, WHY DOESNT HE APPRECIATE THE SMALLL THINGS I DO FOR HIM, HOW CAN I MAKE HIM APPRECIATE ME MORE,

PS. THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVISE I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH:D


COCO

C0CO,
Was he the same way before? If he was it may be his personality. If he wasn't he may just be really stressed out, mad, scared, alone etc. Being in Prison can mess with your mind and create many emotions that in the past he was able to deal with. Have you tried to explain how you feel. Explain to him that just as hard as it is for him it is also hard for you.
Tell him that you need him to be supportive too. Hope it all works out!
Michelle

:rolleyes:
We went through this just before he went to trial, everytime he called me he had 100 things I "needed" to do for him, and he complained about damn near everything I did! I just put myself in his place, and imagined how stressed he was and I prayed for patience...it will pass. It's hard for them just like it's hard for us and you always seem to take stuff out on the ones you love most. You could gently remind him that you do everything you do because you love him and ask him to try and remember that, that even though he's locked up you still need to be treated with courtisy and appreciation.

Thanks for all the feed back you guys I guess he is kind of stressed out . so I feel where he is cominig from but it still hurts very much when he gets mad at me, Everyone tells me "What the hell are you doing with him" but I love him so much, I just hope he feels the same way about me. Because to tell you the truth He really doesnt show me that he loves me, or even cares Hopefully he does,

THANKS AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING

coco:)

COCO,
Take it from someone that was on the inside and probably acted similar to that at least once or twice. :)
Frustration is a killer.. It stems from having no control of the situation.. From not being able to get what we want, when we want it.. and so many other things.. Unfortunately, we usually direct all of this pain at the ones we love.. There are very few other outlets..

my 2 cents..

David

COCO,
My husband was the same way right before a trial or anything else he had to wait for. Luckily he's calmed down now that he "settled in". He still bitches about everything I don't do that he thinks I should do, but that's because he knows he can't control things. He will calm down. Just try not to let it hurt you too much until then. He doesn't mean half the things he says.

You may be new to this Ga., but you're right on the money. The one thing David complains about the most is not getting mail on a regular basis. I tell him it's because he calls almost every night and I don't have anything new to tell him, but that doesn't fly with him. I tell him if he stops running up the phone bill, I'll write more, doesn't work either. He just tells me if I would write more he'd stop running up the bill. LOL
Mail seems to be the key.

Well Coco I have been locked up myself. As a woman it is hard to let things be handled by someone else. I think that men feel the same way. I lost all sence of who I was for awhile it did get better about 4 -5 months after I was locked down. I felt like I lost control and it is really what I did, I lost control of everything and had to depend on others. I hated it but tried to be greatful. You now it is hard.

I am really blessed because my husband acknowlegdes everything I do for him, but that is his personality. He is very greatful and he likes to show me. Just hang in there and I would call the place he is at and try to find out about this guy who is using his ends (money). They can not do that so get ont he wardens butt and see what you can do.

Mail is the key honey. Anthony gets 3-4 letters a week and he says he would not know what to do with out them. Anthony can not call home. In texas you only get 1 phone call for 5 mins. every 90 days. That is if they approve your call. So be blessed that you can talk to him. Just remember he is going through hell right now and since you are with him guess what your going with him..

All I can say is when your going through hell DON'T STOP. Keep going until you get out.

Coco,
I would like to recommend a book for you to read. With your young age and your questions about how to prove love I think you could use some help. This book literaly saved my life. You can probably get it at a used book store for $5.oo
"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It is hard to read at first because it will bring out some painful issues. Set it down for a while but keep it handy because you will want to finish. Good luck.

HEY GUYS,

ITS ME AGAIN I HOPE I AM NOT BOTHERING YOU GUYS WITH ALL MY QUESTIONS. BUT I GUESS ITS JUST HARD FOR ME BECAUSE HES LOCKED UP AND HE STILL TREATING ME KIND OF BAD HE TELLS ME HIMSELF THAT NO OTHER GIRL HAS GONE THROUGH SUCH EXTREMES TO SHOW HIM THAT THEY TRULY LOVE HIM BUT I STILL CANT UNDERSTAND WHY HE JUST WONT BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL HIM I WILL BE FAITHFULL I GOT THE DECAL ON MY CAR WINDOW AND SENT HIM A PICTURE OF IT AND HIS RESPONSE WAS WELL AS EASY AS IT WAS TO PUT THAT DECAL IN YOUR CAR WINDOW IT IS ALSO VERY EASY TO TAKE IT OFF, AFTER HE WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED ME TO PUT THE DECAL ON MY CAR IN THE FIRST PLACE I AM SO CONFUSED JESUS HELP ME...:confused:


THANKS AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING I APPRECIATE ALL YOUR RESPONSES THEY ARE GREAT!!!!

I think you need to reassure him but dont take any crap for him either..I know that over in that county jail..the guys give eachother alot of sh*t! There are alot of guys who have gotten divorces or their girls had left them so they tend to pass on their negative feelings... Even the guards mess with their heads.. When Stephen was there that was all he could talk about..he drove me nuts and since he was moved to East county he has cooled down about that..Do you write him? Just remember you dont need to DO anything to prove your love for him and definetly dont do anything you dont truly want to..I dont know but I think this is probably a stage the guys go through...( correct me if I am wrong ladies..) You are a great girl..going to see him every weekend(I know the wait over there is terrible and you are one of the first visitors!!!) If I may ask was he jealous or controlling before he went in? Keep your head up girl!

I feel the same as the others..hang in there and let him know that his behavior is hurting you...Did you get a reciept from when you brand the money..they hould have given you one...talk to Captain Villareal I dont know if he is in charge of that but he is very nice and helpful and if he cant help you he will direct you to the one who can...Also have you looke dinto having a contact visit they get one after they are sentenced maybe it would help to be able to give him a hug and stuff..just something to look into....It is very hard for them in there cuz they really have no voice or control over what happens to them ..I know I would go nuts!! Does he write you?

woops hit the button before i was done :)...anyway Just dont take it too personal and make sure you communicate with him..remember to let him know how you are feeling and also make sure he knows you are there to hear his feelings as well...Keep Strong!! and GOD BLESS!

yes, i believe it's a stage. and the other guys messing with his head don't make it easier on him. i have this page on my web site with the 'emotional stages of incarceration', might be useful?
emotional stages of incarceration (http://www.prison.netfirms.com/usefulinformation/stages.htm)

i agree that you don't have to take crap from him. just tell him straight up you don't like it the way he's talking to you or whatever and maybe you should let him know that he doesn't have to let others mess with his head, only because they ran into a tree in their relationship. and about the guards...a lot of them just try anything to make the prisoners life miserable...

got to agree with the others. being in prison, around guys 24/7 that you would never choose to be around with, in the free world. being told what to do when to do it, not being able to be with the one you love and do what you want to do....it's hard for everybody to not have any control no more, to have others that control almost everything you do...so he gets frustrated and stressed out. might not always find a way to utter that in prison, so when he hears your voice, it's probably like a door that opens to get all the frustration and stress out. because he knows that you love him and (unknowingly) thinks that you'll understand, you won't hit him in the face if he shouts at you...i'm sure, when he hangs up the phone, he kinda feels bad of not being nice to you, although he probably was thinking about all the nice things he wanted to say to you....but i wouldn't keep it for myself, i would let him know (does he write you) how it makes you feel. let him know you understand but that it hurts you...

stay strong

COCO:

HON, YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM APPRECIATE YOU. THAT HAS TO COME FROM INSIDE HIM. A LOT OF BITTERNESS BUILDS UP IN AN INMATE AND IT SEEMS THAT THEY TAKE IT OUT ON THE ONES THEY LOVE THE MOST. TELL HIM HOW MUCH HE HURTS YOU. COMMUNICATION IS ALWAYS THE BEST BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, EVEN FRIENDS. WHEN YOU LOOSE THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE, YOU LOOSE IT ALL.

HOPE HE CAN GET THROUGH THIS BITTERNESS SOON FOR YOUR SAKE. IT DOES CALM DOWN AFTER A PERIOD OF TIME AND THEY GET ADJUSTED TO WHERE THEY ARE.

MY HOPES AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.

dONNA

Coco those girls are giving you great advise. One thing you could do is reverse this crazy stuff. Instead of defending your self next time he starts this with you. Put up an offense. Tell him when he accuses and questions your love and trust it really hurts you. More or less put it back (all his insecuriities)in his lap. Make him own it. All you have too say is, "I'm sorry you feel that way". And leave it alone.

You validate what he is feeling but he owns it. Your not changing what he is having problems with in his own head. No one can do that but him. At the same time tell him how it hurts your feelings when he attacks you with this......."It hurts my heart/feelings when you say ????" Then stop... say no more. Don't make it an arguement but just a statement.
After a while your new behavior will change his thinking.

Soraya i just want to say that page from your site was real helpful to me when I first read it a couple of days ago..I printed it out and sent it to stephen (if that is ok)though it might help him too...

Hey guys,

It is very true what everyone is saying, and I really try to be easy on him when it comes to him bitchin or saying that I am not going to wait for him, because I know that it is hard for him to be alone and think 24hours a day 7 days a week about what Im doing out here when he got locked up he was never jealous and insecure I guess because we were always together, But now I guess he has more time to think bad thoughts about me. When he calls me every night he tells me this "All the time we talk we are always arguring " and I tell him that we are not arguring we are discussing things, I dont want to be a dread to him or him to lose his love for me in any way ,shape or form, How do I really know that he is serious about me, or am I just a person that he wants to waste time with? What question should I ask him to figure it out I DONT WANT TO BE PLAYED WITH for 2years.I really do love this guy and he doesnt show it at all ..:(

THANKS
COCO

"he has more time to think bad thoughts about me"

"do I really know that he is serious about me, or am I just a person that he wants to waste time with? "

"I really do love this guy and he doesnt show it at all "

Think about your questions. Take steps to take care of yourself. I think you know the answers but have self doubt about yourself. Follow your gut instincts and your heart.

Good advice and I follow up with how do YOU feel. Is this what you want to do? Do you see yourself with this man later in life? You really need to search yourself and examine how you are feeling. It is not all about him. Remember you are going through this too! DON'T DISCOUNT your own feelings. Be honest with youself and to your self.

Amelia, of course that is alright, no need to ask silly girl :D
I think this might help the guy that's doing time indeed. he might not accept it at the first time, but he might recognize some things that place him in a certain stage. that way he knows what he'll probably go through next and he'll know it won't always stay as bad as it is right now.

oops, didn't see there was a 3rd page. it's true that you are also going through this. about the questions, i think, when he makes a remark that you guys are only arguing on the phone, that shows that it hurts him too. and if he wouldn't care for you at all, it wouldn't hurt him. maybe it might help if you (both) try not to bring up things to discuss and just spend the hole 15 min (or how long he can call you) by telling about what you did and how much you miss each other, how you feel without the other.
i think, when he hangs up, after a 'discussion-call' he does feel bad. if this happens several times, he probably already assumes that it's gonna be the same when he calls again, and he doesn't really do anything to provide it...you know self fulfilling profecy. i believe it helps a hole lot to just hear some kinds words when you call home....for both sides

COCO--i think it may help if you let him know exactly how you are feeling--tell himthe little bit of time you get to have with him (whether it be by phone,visit,whatever) is valuable to you and you don't want to waste the little time you do have with arguing and accusations. Tell him that you understand that he is frustrated but to please not take it out on you because it hurts you. I think the doubts and accusations are common in this situation, but you do not have to tolerate disrespect--if he begins to disrespect you on the phone, tell him firmly--I love you, but I do not deserve to be talked to this way, and I am going to hang up now. He will get the message real quick that you will not allow yourself to be talked to that way. I would not try to jump through hoops to prove your love to him (decals, etc) because NOTHING you do will ever be enough--only he can address his insecurities. Just show love and support for him, BUT make sure you love and respect yourself first--I think the book Torrey recommended earlier Women Who Love Too Much is an excellent book, and could be helpful to you. Remember we are all here for you

Sherri

coco-i agree with donna--communication is key. And don't be afraid to tell him he is hurting you. Although it is important to acknowledge HIS feelings, it is also important that he acknowledge YOURS. It is very easy to become totally self-absorbed in prison and become so wrapped up in your own frustration that you fail to recognize the pain that your loved ones on the outside are going through. I agree that inmates use the ones they love as an amotional outlet, but venting and blatant disrespect are two different things. I would make sure you demand the respect you deserve. As I put in another post, if he starts throwing painful jabs at you, tell him you love him but you are hanging up b/c you don't deserve to be talked to that way. It may be difficult at first, but he will get the message quick, and I predict the next call will be different. Take care of YOURSELF first--because only then can you take care of anything alse

much love

sherri

:D :D

Hey you guys he called last night (twice) the first time he called we didnt argue at all he seemed a little happier today we were talking about what happened today he says that they almost had a little riot in the county jail He says everyone was throwing there lunch plates to the guards I told him to please behave Anyways we were talking alot I kept on reassuring him that I loved him very mcuh (you guys he never calls twice with out me begging him to) but he asked me if he could call me and of course I said yes:D So he called again and I asked him a question I asked him why he didnt show me he loved me that much? He said "what can I do in here to show you that I love you I am in here" I told him well whatever comes out of your heart How can I tell you to do something with out you wanting to do it. He says that he has never showed love to anyone and he doesnt know how. Can this be true? My mom says it can he doesnt know how to express love I told him I bought myself a ring and placed it in my wedding finger he got Happy I feel kind of silly telling you all that I bought myself an engagement ring:p Anyways he sounded happy to hear all about me and my day today Thank you so much Your advise helped me make my man SMILE AND FEEL HAPPY THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU ARE MY ANGELS
Kathy:)

Kathy- I am so glad that you were able to have a nice conversation last night --To answer your question, i think it is very possible that he does not know how to "show" love--and even if he thought he knew how to express love, it might not be the same definition you have of showing love. Once again, it comes back to communication--you tell him what he can do to make you feel loved--sometimes we just expect people to know, and they don't. Anyway, I am glad things are going better--expect some bumps in the road, but if you keep the communication flowing, you should be able to get over those obstacles.

Much love

sherri

ALL OF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT..... KEEP THESE GUYS TALKING.... INSURE YOU CLEAR UP MISUNDERSTANDINGS.... DON'T LET THINGS FESTER. IT IS VERY HARD WHEN THEY ARE BEHIND BARS AND YOU ONLY HAVE 10 OR 15 MINUTES TO TALK TO THEM ONCE A WEEK OR MONTH. AND CAN ONLY VISIT ON OCCASION....

KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN EVEN IF THROUGH LETTERS.

ALWAYS CLEAR THE AIR


DONNA

Kathy,
My hubby has threatened to divorce me, accused me of cheating and has been downright nasty, but we work through it. For the first year he was gone all we did was fight. We've gotten better now that he's settled down some. Once he got through court and out of county and classification his attitude improved some. We still fight, but not nearly as much. I try very hard to remember that he doesn't mean most of what he says, it's just frustration.
I hope you get some more nice calls. They're great aren't they?
Hang in there

Just to reinforce the fact that it is very possible to not know how to love. Some people just don't know how to express emotions or at least express them in a way that other people can understand there intent. You need to think about how he was before, trust me right now is not the time to exspect more change from him.....

He needs to adjust and get settled and I am sure he will be alright. Who knows my may learn a thing or two about how to express some emotion while he is in there. They have a lot of time to think about there life, mistakes, and all the other things that have transpired in their lives. It seems to help if they really take the time to get to know themselves. So just pray that he takes this time to reflect on his life and make some changes.

Kathy,
I agree with the others, it is very possible not to know how to show love. Was he shown love throughout his life? Sometimes if a person has never seen love they never learn to express it. On the other hand if he was shown love and got really hurt wether by a girlfriend or a family member he may be afraid to express it. Either way keep reasuring him that you love him and in time he'll realize how much you love him and begin to open up. Remember being in there can make any man feel usless.
Keep your head up.
Michelle

I also agree with the others (isn't that nice :D ) It is very good possible that someone doesn't know how to express love, because they were never taught or showed. or maybe the ways he knows how to express it are not possible if he's not with you. So just work hard on the communication. it will not be that easy all the time, it's just something you both need to work on.

It's great to hear the call was so nice. puts a smile on my face :) I know for sure he will feel the same about it too, so it's a good start!

KAt I am so glad you two had a nice call! This is a journey full of BABY steps( i am learning that)...I agree with all the otheres keep him Talking!! Tell him that THIS TOO SHALL PASS...Today is SAturday so I hope you had a beautiful visit with him as well..I will keep you two in my prayers!! MUCH LOVE!!

JUST TO ADD TO WHAT SHORTIE SAID, I HAVE TALKED TO A LOT OF FORMER OFFENDERS AND CURRENT INMATES WHO HAVE TOLD ME THAT THEIR TIME IN PRISON WAS A TIME THEY USED TO REALLY REFLECT ON THEIR LIVES--AND EVEN IN THAT HORRID ENVIRONMENT THEY GREW AS INDIVIDUALS--I ALSO THINK IT IS A HUGE OPPORTUNITY FOR COUPLES TO TALK ABOUT THINGS ( LITTLE AND BIG) THAT WERE OVERLOOKED OR TAKEN FOR GRANTED BEFORE-- (NOW LITTLE THINGS MEAN A LOT)AND THEREFORE THERE IS ALSO THAT CHANCE FOR TREMENDOUS GROWTH TOGETHER--NOW ALL THE MOMENTS BEFORE (WHEN HE WAS OUT) THAT WERE WASTED WE SEE SO DIFFERENTLY WHEN WE HAVE SUCH LITTLE TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER--WHEN PEOPLE SURVIVE AND STICK TOGETHER THROUGH ADVERSITY SUCH AS INCARCERATION, THAT CREATES AN INPENETRABLE BOND

SHERRI

Sherry....
i completely agree that this "time" can be used to really develop and strengthen a relationship... my situation is a little different because JD has been incacerated since the beginning of our relationship, but I know that because of this, it is different than any relationship that I have had before. Communication is all we have... but this has created a situation where we have a very strong bond, and I know that if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything, and trials and tribulations that we will undoubtedly face once he gets out will seem like molehills next to this mountain we will have alredy conquered together.... Really WE in relationships need to take the advice that is so often given to inmates... to use this time WISELY and to our own benefit.... :)

Listen, if you have to ask him if he wants you to wait, or even ask yourself that, maybe you shouldn't be waiting. I am not trying to say that in a mean way, I am just being realistic. My husband is gone for a while, right now I am not sure but it seems like it's going to be about 10 years. I didn't ever have to ask him or myself that question, it was just a natural choice. It's hard. I mean, it's not hard waiting, it's hard missing HIM. It hurts so bad. You just have to look inside yourself and the answer should be right there for you. Good Luck!

I argee completely with you jdswifey! I am involved with an inmate that I met while he has been incarcerated. We haven't been able to have the "traditional" relationship. We rely on good "old fashioned" communication which is something that MANY people don't want to bother with these days. Our relationship has been the strongest I have ever been in BECAUSE we talk. Kathy just keep the lines of communication open as much as possible & things will work out for you both. Just remember that not EVERYDAY is going to be a good day. I have been with my fiance for a while now & we have had our share of BAD DAYS!
Keep positive always & try to keep your man as positive as possible.

Well I to have the untraditional relationship, we met while he was locked up.. So I can feel you with that. It can be a strong foundation to a very beautiful relationship if you are both honest and sincere with you intent.

CoCo you really need to make some decision we are here to support you but the ultimate decision is yours.. Make sure that you are completely comfortable with what ever you decide. I always tell people before you decide about something you need to figure out if you can live with what ever it is you decide, weither it be staying or going or what to wear today. It is all in how you are comfortable. Ya feel me??

Man! I thought that I had it hard. Coco, I know that it is hard not to listen to people that say to leave him. Their thoughts are about what can he do for you while he's in jail? My family has all but treated me like that black sheep because of that thought process. But it is those same kind of people that believe in the stereotypes of men in jail...that they are no good. Well, none of them have ever given me what my husband has...EVER. My hisband is a wonderful human being who made wrong choices. Jail saved his LIFE. And he is a beautiful person emotionally as a result. So he has passed that beauty onto me. I had doubts and all the same feelings you have, and my husband wanted tattoos in the beginning too. But as you build or re-build your love, requests like that fade away. When in jail, they have a whole new set of problems and just need us to listen and understand. That is where the trust and love are built. Tattoos and decals are cute, but you both have to look inside your hearts, and that is not easy, believe me I know, and figure out if your love can survive this. If you don't feel that it can you either work on it, or you don't. They say a lot of things, especially when they go in, in order to have someone to hold onto. Jail is a very lonely place. My husband has been in almost ten years and I was gone for 7 because I did not have the emotional state to deal with it. That's something else you have to figure out. But God blessed us by bringing us back into each other's lives. That is what told me that I could handle it and deal with it. I know I am going on and on, but I hope some of this makes sense. You have some things to think about, do so carefully, either way will not be easy.

Tiffany (I love Tony...one year left!!!)

I want to thank everyone here because I was not aware of how much mail meant to my husband, even though we talk regularly. He told me about that once and I thought he was being very selfish, considering that I work and go to school and I am always busy. But I guess I didn't understand that...so thanks.
Amen Amelia!!! Do not take any crap from him, my husband and I had to battle through this for a long time, but we are finally there...I do agree sometimes I need to sit back and just listen, but other times I tell him by saying certain things or acting a certain way, it hurt me and did not make me feel valid or like I was a partner in our relationship. But he has corrected that behavior, and we are much better for it.

Tiffany (I love Tony...one year left!!!)

Two years isn't a long time. If you really love him and want to be with him, do you what's in your heart. Good luck and god bless.

I can so relate to DiamondsBoo's post!

My fiance's "101 things Carla needs to do cuz I'm a butthead & caught a case" list drove me mad!

Tell ya what ladies, I have become an expert at changing the oil, air filter, and rotating tires (even changed the fuel filter) on our truck!

Todd did flip out once because I didn't take care of something right away. But when I went down the list of all the junk he left me to deal with ON TOP of his stuff during his case PLUS day to day things, he chilled REAL fast.

Best advice is to find a break in ur day for YOU! Don't do anything regarding the case. Even if it's just taking a bath, we've got to rejuvenate or we won't be any good for them.

The guys have alot of time to think whereas we barely have time to breath. Communication, honesty, understanding & respect are all keys to getting through this tunnel.

I'm Todd's LATTE. Light At The Tunnel's End!

CARAL-I LIKE YOUR STYLE-YOU HAVE A LOT OF INSIGHT!!

Thanks, Sherri! Really appreciate the compliment! :)

Hey Carla... I love the LATTE thing!! Very good to read your post and I have to agree that you are absolutely right and stated yourself very well!! Hope to hear more of you in this forum!! You will keep us on the right track!! :)