Hi yall,
I am new to this prison wife thing. I have a problem. My husband has only been incarcerated for about 3 months and he sas 3 yeasr i have started getting these crazy ass letters. we will be married one year in august. But he is telling me to file for a divorce and find some one elese to be with, dont wait for him. Is this normal? I am no use to him talking like this. He has even told me not to come see him, that it would be easier for him to be away form me and teh kids if we did not come to see him. Is this to be expected? he will get work release and home visits starting in about 3 or 4 months. is this normal behavior?

Could be a test? (To check if someone Truly loves or not. Meaning you won't leave even if you are told to)

Could be easier to self sabbatoge the marriage?
In other words insecurity causes people to doom themselves. Because they can't stand to wait for the doom .... they go ahead and do it themselves.

Give the person time to wiggle and vent their fustrations. Listen and Wait before taking any actions. You might find out in a little while what the real problem is. It may not even be your marriage/relationship.

Torrey,

You give great advice ... are you a counselor? :)

Tamara

Nykole...
I went through this with JD about 6 months into our relationship... and I think it was a little of both of the things that Torrey has mentioned....
In a way, it was to test my reactions.... would I bail??
In another way it was his own fears that maybe I wouldn't be there for him throughout....
But in another way (and I have seen others go through this)... at times it is emotionally easier for guys to withdraw from us and life on the outside as a whole... to focus on dealing with life inside....
Perhaps if you present some of these options of what might be going on it would make it easier for him to acknowledge what IS going on??

I've sen this happen also. Sometimes it is "easier" to do time alone...without having to interact with someone you love on the outside. There is hard time and well, maybe not so hard time. I would give him some time...be honest and tell him what you want.

Hi Nykole, welcome to PTO,

Here is my take on it. I have seen guys go through this, & I have gone trough something like this.

First the part about leaving. It may be a test, it could also be that if your going to leave him he can handle it better knowing you left him because of the time, & not because you found another guy, & if your going to leave it's better to do it now instead of 6 months or a year from now. He is also going through that "I'm so bad, I'm worthless, I'm no good" phase.
It could be a combonation of all the above.

As for doing time alone, that is something I can completely relate too. I did not want my kids to see me in prison. It is humiliating, & embarassing. I found it easier early on that it's better for me to not get visits, or make phone calls. We pretty much stayed in touch through a couple letters a month, & one call a month. That left me to do my time. I didn't trip on what was happening on the outside. Over things I had no control over. I was free of all the stuff that revolves around having a lot of contact with the real world. I didn't trip on calls, I didn't trip on letters, I didn't trip on visits. It made doing time much less stressfull. I was very secure in my relationship. If my wife was going to cheat on me, it didn't matter if she was getting 1 call a day or 1 call a month. ! letter a day or 1 letter a month. I also saw how phone calls, letters & visits caused guys so much uncalled for stress, how they would trip on the silliest crap. I just didn't understand it. A guy gets a call a day, & 5 letters a week, & as many visits as he can, & yet he still is tripping on whether his g/f, or wife is faithfull. I didn't use the amount of letters, phone calls or visits as a barometer on how healthy my relationship was.

Wow I really went on a rant on that one didn't I, LOL ,oh well. Take care, & good luck.--------Ken

My husband tried this as well - and basically I told him tough, he can't get rid of me that easy! When I took those vows, it was for better or worse and this qualifies as worse. He told me stuff like "I hope you don't have any problem finding somebody else." Right! I kept reassuring him I was here for the duration. I thought his mentality was to burn me before I burned him, but in reality he wanted to set me free in the beginning or our ordeal - he wanted to give me permission to move on with my life. Looking back it was a painful and unselfish move on his part and I love him even more for it. He wanted to protect me from this life, but I had no intentions of going anywhere. Finally he accepted that I wanted to stay with him, not out of some sense of forced obligation, but unconditional love.

David and I were only married for 4 months before he was taken. He told me many times in the first year that I should divorce him, that it would be too hard to wait, but now after almost 3 years of prison, we're still married (aug. 12th will be 3 years married) and he still has 2 to go. Hang in there and think about the reality not just your love for him and make the best decision for you and your kids. Love will see you through if it's strong enough on both sides.
Good luck and God Bless!
Cindy

Same thing with me. My boyfriend has only been in for a couple months. He told me a couple weeks ago (on the phone) that I should date other people, blah blah blah. I wrote him back and explained that if he REALLY was going to end this relationship, now was not the time to do it. And, if he really wanted me to see other people, then what the heck are we doing here??? Well, I talked to him today. He told me that he is messed up right now, and he has so much time to think, etc. I told him that he needs to relax, and even though I don't really know what he is going through in there, it is not easy out here either. I told him not to freak out, that I was here, and he seemed to be ok. I think they just need to realize that we are not going to abandon them.

What has probably happend is some idiot there told him you would not wait for him and you will find someone else. Being he has only been in there 3 months, he is starting to panic just a little. Let him vent his frustrations out. Then if you write or see him explain to him and remind him of your wedding vows. For better or for worse etc. He just needs some support and encouragement. He needs the pampering now. 3 years to him is long, but it will go by fast. Keep sharing things with him family household work things around the house. Keep him a major part of the family and always let him know he still is the man of the home, no matter where he is. Some men are the strong ones, and some women are the opposite, but this time around you need to be strong for the both of you to survive this. I have been married 41/2 years. And we share everything. Just like as if he was home, what color to paint the bedroom, should I get new curtains, I know it sounds silly, but he may need to still feel a part of the home and marriage regardless where he is. Good Luck

HI NYK-FROM A FELLOW NORTH CAROLINIAN-
I THNK THIS HAPPENS QUITE FREQUENTLY FOR SEVERAL REASONS- FRUSTRATIN AND INSECURITY RUNS HIGH WHEN A MAN IS INCARCERATED, EVEN MORE SO WHEN HE HAS SOMEONE HE TRULY LOVES ON THE OUTSIDE-IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD-HE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU (ALTHOUGH HE HAS NO CHOICE FOR THE MOMENT) BUT LOVING YOU AND WORRYING ABOUT YOU IS ABOUT TO DRIVE HIM CRAZY-SO HE GOES BACK AND FORTH--


KEN WAS OBVIOUSLY PRETTY SELF-ASSURED TO BE ABLE TO DO WHAT HE DID-
"I just didn't understand it. A guy gets a call a day, & 5 letters a week, & as many visits as he can, & yet he still is tripping on whether his g/f, or wife is faithfull. I didn't use the amount of letters, phone calls or visits as a barometer on how healthy my relationship was. "


I DON'T THINK THAT ALL MEN HAVE THAT INNER STRENGTH--THEY FEEL THEY HAVE NO CONTROL SO THEY WAVER BETWEEN 'HOLD ON AS TIGHT AS YOU CAN" AND "F**K IT" THEY SEE THIS AS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR ANOTHER MAN TO COME INTO THE PICTURE--MY TAKE ON IT IS IF IT IS REAL LOVE AND MEANT TO BE IT WILL STAND THE TEST OF TIME( INCARCERATION)-IF IT DOESN'T, IT WOULD NOT HAVE WORKED OUT IN THE LONG RUN ANYWAY. THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY WITH COMPLETE CERTAINTY IS I DON'T BELIEVE IN ALLOWING A MAN TO DISRESPECT YOU WITH ACCUSATIONS, PROFANITY, ETC--SO IF THAT STARTS SAY I LOVE YA BUT I DONT DESERVE THIS AND HANG UP--

He feels bad that he got himself in this situation and he can't get out of it. He may think that you won't wait for him, that you'll find someone else. Some men do that, say things like that to see what your response will be. You're married to him and three years isn't a long time (My baby has 4 1/2 yrs left). Tell him how you feel.

I think they go through several mode's and sometimes alot depends on what others say inside and whats going on with their love life. If you wait awhile he'll probably change to something else. This is just my experience.

This is pretty common for various reasons. One friend of mine told me he did this because it was just easier for him to do his time if he didn't have to worry about someone on the outside. My penpal at one point gave me to another inmate! I'm serious, one day I got a letter from some guy telling me Jeff had given him my name & address and did I want to write to him? Jeff had told me he just couldn't handle writing at that time cause he was too depressed. So I wrote Jeff back and told him if I didn't write to him I didn't want to write to anyone. I also told him not to feel pressured about writing to me, just drop me a line once in awhile when he was in the mood. Everything turned out fine and Jeff began to write to me again. So have patience.

I sit here and read through everyone's reply and I have to agree with so many of you. I too went through this. When my husband first went to prison 6 years ago he told me I should get a divorce that it just wasn't going to work. And we had only been married a few months. My husband was transferred out to prison 2 days after we were married. You have to stay strong and reassure him that you truly love him and do not intend on going anywhere. That you married him for better or worst! Through thick and thin. Just always stay strong for him even if you may feel like crying inside. Don't let him see you weak. I too always keep my husband informed of what it going on in the household, with the kids etc. It helps them to feel as if they are still part of the family and as if he has never left. I write him letters, talk to him faithfully at least twice a week, and visit as often as I can. The road is very hard at first but along the time it does get easier. My husband has 25 to life, without parole. He is in for a crime he did not even commit. There were so many loop holes. But I have and plan standing by him the time that he is doing. I pray to God everyday that we receive the help we need to bring him home. It has not been an easy road for us and we have had many problems. But it seems as if the more problems we have the closer we get. Our love has grown very strong through the years and seems to grow stronger every day. So hold your head up and be strong. All of us seem to go through the "I want a divorce" period with our husbands or boyfriends.

Nykole,
Ask your self how you feel about waiting out his sentence. I agree with some of the others it just a way to get it over with now if he feels like you will eventually leave. Also he probly has some guilt issues for putting you in this situation. My advice is if you love him tell him and wait for him and don't let him back away from you and especially from his kids. Just hang ion there. I went thru the sme thing with my husband of three yrs at the begging of his incarceration. Now we have almost been married four years and we are learning to share our feelings. It is true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder. I trully believe in the end love does concor all.

HANG IN THERE.THEY ALL GO THROUGH THIS.MY BABY TRIED TO CALL THINGS OFF.HIS EXCUSE WAS I WAS STILL SCARED OF MY EX HUSBAND.I FINALLY TOLD HIM THAT I HAD NOREASON TO BE SCARED.THEY FIND ANY EXCUSE THEY CAN SOMETIMES,BUT ALOT OF IT IS JUST THEM BEING CRAZY.HANG IN THERE.IT WILL ALL WORK OUT.WE ARE THE ONLY ONES THEY CAN TAKE THIER STRESS OUT ON MOST OF THE TIME AND THATS JUST HOW THEY DEAL WITH IT

you guys are amazing! I'm so in awe of how tightly knit you are...you're all so supportive. I am SO glad I found this place!!!

I read this because in the back of my mind I wonder about how it is handled...how you guys do it...and then I noticed..."oh crap, he did that to me too!" the only thing is, I'm not married, nor am I dating this guy...he's just a friend! A friend that I fell for...should I take his "This is years, not months, you have to be honest with me" as a "hi, I love you too?" thing or as a "don't worry, if you get bored, I won't hold it against you" type thing?

Some of you deserve medals for your patience and virtue...I truly envy your abilities...I wish you all the best in life :)

Everyone posted such great comments & insight that I'm at a loss for anything to add... :)

So I'll just say that this group is great!

Mstryzone@aol.com

HELLO NYKOL,
WELCOME TO PTO, I AM ALSO A NEW MEMBER AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING WITH YOUR HUSBAND IS PRETTY NORMAL. MY HUSBAND SAID THE EXACT SAME THING AND IT PROBABLY LASTED 2 WEEKS. HE HAS BEEN INCARCERATED 5 MONTHS ON A 7 YEAR SENTENCE AND NOW HE IS SAYING, WHEN YOU COMING TO SEE ME, DID YOU WRITE, ETC...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND HE IS GOING THROUGH A DIFFICULT TRANSFORMATION AND PROBABLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT AND DO'NT WANT TO APPERAR "WHIMPY" TO HIS WIFE. BE PATIENT AND JUST HANG IN THERE AND TRY TO BE SUPPORTIVE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN HE WILL COME AROUND! :wave:

silver: i think that if you really want to know where your friend is coming from, you should just ask! ;) it's a tough conversation to have, but if it matters that much to you, asking is easier than trying to read into his comments! whether or not things will be taken to the "next level", it sounds to me like you both have a very special relationship ~ that's wonderful!

Yes, I think it is normal..my man and I are not married, but we would have been had things not happened and he ended up where he is today. This is not the first time he has been in prison, and yes, I heard the same things you have..he told me to go on with my life, find someone who would not put me through this hell that I did not cause. He said he wanted to "save me from him". Speaking only for him, I know that while he is locked up, he feels even more worthless, and wrong, and unworthy of my love, especially now that he is in again. He has basically nothing and feels that he deserves nothing, especially a loving woman, standing behind him. In some ways, I suppose it is a test..to see if he really will lose everything, not only his freedom..hang in there, stand by him if that's what you choose to do, and he will see that he does deserve your love and devotion ...smile :)

Nykole,
I to went though this the first time my husband went to prison and now with the second time I'm going though this and even though he is telling me not to come see him I'm still writting him and telling the kids he loves them and talking to him on the phone stick by him like Torrey says let him Vent..Welcome to the group I'm new here too.

Stick it out girl. I know that feeling alot. James and I have been together over 16 years, and after all the prison stuff I've always dealt with, when he thought he was getting out, he broke off our relationship. Then after 2 days or so, he realized that he couldnt ever leave me or his kids. It is just frustration. We all go through it. Just kick back and he'll realize he cant be without you.
Sherry:fb:

Here is my story...the day of Monty's trial was the day he asked me to move on with my life. He said he wanted me to have a "normal" life...a good life. He even begged my mother to take care of me for him..until I found somebody else. I have to tell ya'...I have never cried SO hard in my life. But of course there was no way on God's beautiful earth that I could walk away from this man! I stuck by him...he never said anything like that again. Now we are happily married. He said that he HAD to tell me to move on...he couldn't live with himself if he didn't. It was a very self LESS thing to do. He only wanted the best for me. He said the entire time he was saying those words to me...he was praying to God that it wouldn't happen. You just have to try to figure out and understand his feelings and where they are coming from. He is in an extremely negative place right now. Stick by him...keep writing letters...go visit as much as you can...let him know that your love hasn't changed!!

Hello,


I read you letter and here is my take on the situation. I think that you should just remain the same as you have been to him...emotionally supportive. Right now your relationship is probably off balance. Where as there was a give and take between the two of you in your relationship, there is now only a giver. He as a man probably can't deal with having to accept things from you. These can be major blows to a man's manhood. And rather than see you stuggle in the relationship/marriage without him, he would rather let you go to do what it is that you need to survive. Self presurving is the FIRST law of nature. You have to take care of you. If you aren't okay...then he is not okay. So to sum things up, just be the CONSTANT in his life. Be the one thing in his life that doesn't change. Because he is in a world now where everything is going to change, everyday of the week and at all times. Good Luck!

Thanks,
AK

Hiya Nykol,

Most of us have been there. And some still to go there. But the best thing to do as many have said. Keep your head up keep reminding him that you love him and you are not going anywhere. And talk to him. He has feelings some we have no idea of. But the only way we will know is by asking. I wish you both luck. By the way Welcome to PTO.

Sharon :)

Man, this must be the month for that kind of talk. My husband after 4 1/2 years of marriage is talking crazy, but it's all good. I think when they get down and start to thinking about things they say things they don't mean. Just hang in there and do the best you can. It has been 11 years as of yesterday the 27th of Sept. The crime went down and and come Oct 7th when he was arrested. It just as they some times tells us PMS but instead is means Prison Mind Shock
just thought that one up.

GIRLFRIEND WHEN THEY ARE LOCKED UP THEY GO THROUGH ALOT OF EMOTIONS. HE LOVES YOU HE MAY JUST FEEL GUILTY THIS IS JUST MY OPINION.

STAY STRONG PARIS

You are absolutely right...... I went through it with my fiance'.... there were times when we wouldnt talk for a minute. And he is the one that always sat there and said he couldnt deal with this. and told me to move on. but it was harder than that. we went through it a few different times. But you know fi you are truly in love then you both will make it through this. and if he only has a couple more months to go until work release and home visits i dont see what the problem is you will make it. good luck and we are here for you!!!!

Since men say we PMS now we can say they PMS stands for Prison Mind Stress, sounds better. My husband and a couple of his buddies laughed when he told them what I made up. I think being away from us is harder on them and their minds wonder. But we love them and will hang in there with this.

MY MAN TOLD ME THE SAME THINGS THAT HE DID NOT WANT TO DRAG ME ALONG, I JUST TOLD HIM I THINK THATS MY CHOICE, ITS BEEN SIX MONTHS THAT HE HAS BEEN LOCKED UP AND WE HAVE 5 1/2 MORE TO GO, SO FAR SO GOOD. HE WAS JUST STRESSING THAT I WOULD FIND SOMEONE ELSE, BUT I LOVE HIM AND I WILL STICK BY HIM, NOW HE KNOWS IM HERE FOR HIM AND IM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I GO SEE HIM EVERY WEEKEND. AND I TELL HIM EVERY TIME HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND HOW MUCH I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HIM AS HIS WIFE

My husband has 19 years left, if he does not get a sentence reduction. I am praying he gets it reduced. But as I told him I will be there for him no matter what. It gets hard but I am in for the long run here. He's picture is in the gallery if you want to see what he looks like, he is worth it. We all must hang in there together through this.