Hello ladies, I was just wondering if any of you got tired of people asking you about Doing Without, since you are with a Lifer. I have finally come up with a response as to what I am going to tell people and see what they have to say.
After they ask me their rude question, I am going to ask them, what if your husband, boyfriend, partner, etc. was paralized tomorrow and you couldn't have sex anymore ever.
Would you divorce him or cheat on him or what? These people obviously don't understand the meaning of true love, to ask these questions. Sorry to sound so mean, and hateful, but sometimes I get tired of having to justify my relationship to other people.

Although, I am not with a lifer... my hunny has 15 years left on his sentence. I get crap from people all the time, asking why I wait...and asking me why I don't just have a 'casual relationship' cause my man would never find out.
My answer to them is always, it's none of your business. Because you just cannot explain what true love is to someone who just doesn't get it. At first, I always gave them reasons why I wait... but then I realized that I should never have to justify myself or my relationship to anyone... I do not think you sound mean or harsh, its truthful. I am sure many gals here share the same opinion.

Bottom Line is I love him, I am not a cheater... if I wanted sex with someone else, I would not be with him. Cheating is cheating, no matter what the situation.

Gary asked me the last visit if I ever get lonely. Sure I do at times, but I also told him that I had 12 brothers and sisters growing up and enjoy being alone. Then he clarified the question. I was shocked. I have never thought about even being with anyone else. To me that would be the worst thing I could do to him and myself. Some people don't understand that sex isn't the be all and end all of existance to alot of people.

My man and I have been very open and honest regarding this subject. What gets me is the fact that people feel they have the right to even ask! Now i can see others like us, in the situation, asking to learn how to cope, but really!

If we were in a relationship with a man away at war, would they ask such blunt questions? Or kudos to the comment above "If he were paralized?" Its as easy and simple as this...My sexuality is none of your business! My family is big on this question. Funny when i was in my 2 abusive marriages, they didnt seem to care, just said i didnt do enough to save the marriage.

Our lifestyles, due to these circumstances are different for sure. As is a homosexual relationship. I have a gay cousin and do they ask her about her sexuality? because its different? Of course not, because its none of thier business.

Just another way for them to judge.

For me,,, i don't want to pay the price anymore for the "relief" i am seeking to ease my loneliness.. it just is not worth the guilt, shame and remorse looking into my mans' eyes when he knows me so well.

It gets very lonely.. especially being with a LWOP and if i keep thinking when .. will i .. or how bad ifeel we have it.. etc.. i just try to occupy my mind and my time with things that will not get me into trouble.. however i am human and miss "human touch" it is funny last nite one of my closest and dearest friends called and she said "i need you , to come make a house call" i need you to rub my head .. (she was upset /distraught about a relationship) .. so i did.. and you know what i know i can get the same.. :))

Take care .. stay strong
Donna

My answer to them is always, it's none of your business.

You go hun

There will always be people who do not understand my situation and I just ignore them,they're not in my shoes so they've no right to judge me

GOodmorning when i re read my post i said .. boy what was i on!! what page.

THere are very few people who know my situation.. The majority about five have a very negative attitude .. they just do not understand .. since it has been some time. they are realizing this is for real.. and i am not going anywhere.. and that we really love each other.. I think some are in awe of the committment .
Have a great week ladies

Donna

It's my first time here. I just wanted to say thanks to all for being here. It's nice to know I'm not "crazy" for being with someone who is doing life without. Seeing as I'm not the only person on earth involved as such. I didn't know he was an LWOP when I first got involved, but by the time I found out it was too late. I was head over heels in love and it didn't really matter. Now we're engaged and I can't imagine being with any one else. Why I'm in this relationship is no one's business and I owe no one an explanation. Although human tendency is to want to have people's approval. Yes it would be nice if everyone understood and accepted our relationship, but it's not going to happen and I accept that.

Sometimes I do wonder if I will be able to endure the years of lonliness, but most times I see it as taking one day at a time. As for sex, no one has died from not having any as far as I know.

jglsqueen

Mr. D is considred a lifer because of his 50 year max sentence. We have a wonderful relationship and we talk almost every day plus I see him on 7 visits a month. We also have a very deep and electrifying spiritual relationship.

So when people ask me how do I go without the sex and intimacy I tell them "who says we don't have sex?" IT throws them off base as I just get a dreamy smile on my face, turn and walk away from them! :D

mrs. dragon

It helps me to read all of your comments, thank you. I wish I could share my happiness to my friends and family about my love who has been incarcerated for quite a while and still has more to do. I have told a friend about him, and she was less than kind to me, saying things like: should I be searching for a more viable mate...why I am I settleling, what am I thinking. At first, writing to him was a nice exchange, that was 15 years ago...Now it is more profound. I have stopped a bit in between, to try out having a mate next to me and have children. It is with him I feel comfortable. Yes it is an uncertain future...I am alone with finances and raising my 2 kids. He is there for me. I am there for him. I live day by day for now. We bring each other happiness and support. I have not been sick in a long time or depreesed, my spirits are up. Yes, it is difficult to not have the touch of someone you love, though we are quite resourceful and are able to compensate with writing, there are alot of words to express feeling or simulate situation...
I find great support in reading post in here.

I.

I agree it is nobodys business why we choose what we do. I think all in all people are just courious by nature.

Depending on who is asking me and how they ask depends on the answer.

I do tell people that I don't desire to go out and be with another man, why would I when I am in love with my husband, he gives me everything I need. He feeds me emotionally and is there for me all the time. It is when a relationship dies emotionally is when people usually stray.

This is a marriage of dedication - It shouldn't matter why we can not be together in the traditional sense of intamacy - what matters is that we make our relationship work through the good and the bad. You just don't bail out when things arent going your way.

My husband & I used to get family visits until California changed it's rules regarding lifers back in 96. Sure we do miss that private time to be alone and laugh, wrestle and do what ever comes naturally, but I was not going to bail out just because of that.

The question I hate most is "why is he in prison? What did he do?" it's like DUHHHH "something illegal" and that is what I usually tell them. As time goes on some are privie to the information.

I am blessed I have many people who support me and my marriage, and are hopeful for my husband and I when he comes home.

~Song6:3

Thanks everyone for your great response, it's always nice to know I'm not alone.
Remember Kendall and I have never had the S-- word, we've known each other since grade school and are about to be married, but never S--.
So, I have a lot to look forward to when he comes home.
That's what I try to explain to people, our love is deeper than the average persons....I am blessed!!!!
Kim


Kim loves Kendall......forever........

Americans are obsessed with the physical. You see the fitness "hard body big boob" craze we have here. Everyone has to have perfect teeth, perfect body, and women are supposed to be hot to trot. And we've got Viagra and whatever that other drug is for women if they don't have the abiility or the urge on their own. With such shallow values, it's not surprising that so many people think if you have no sex, there's no love and no relationship. This is also why our divorce rate is so high. In reality, 99% of a good relationship or good marriage is way above the crotch.

You're exactly right, waitinginok, to ask them what if their spouse was paralyzed and couldn't have sex anymore. They'd either leave their spouse or get some depth to the relationship, wouldn't they?

i don't know if the real issue of curiosity is sex, but rather companionship. sex seems to be the obvious question, but i believe it is companionship that drives the question. personally, i don't know how you do it with a lifer. i want someone to be with; see each morning, go out to eat with, etc. i'd be willing to bet that relationships with lifers fail after they get out. i know of no study to support this assertion.

i'm curious....of those on this forum, how many of them have successful relationships with those released after serving over twenty years. i'm talking about people that have been in constant contact with their prison mates for the duration of their incarceration. any takers?

k

Hi Kamaboko,

I agree maybe some peoples question is more because of "companionship" (maybe not).

You said "i want someone to be with; see each morning, go out to eat with, etc." I beleive all of us do - there might be a few individuals who personally like their current situation of seperation but still having a realationship but yes I too would rather have my husband with me every day than the current situation.

Just because he is a lifer does not mean we will not have a successful marriage when he comes home. What will make or break us is our own dedication to one another. My husband and I are serious about our devotion to one another and do not beleive you divorce because one may feel like it. We live our lives according to Gods word and apply it daily.

Why would you bet a relationship with a lifer would mostlikely fail once they are out? Out of most of the inmate pouplation we probally are the ones who will mostlikely succeed. I can not speak for all couples but as for myself and my husband I can.

You see in order to have a relationship with a lifer, or even with someone in prison - heck any one you have to learn and use an important tool that necessitates the success of a marriage - that too is Communication.

My husband and I have learned to effectively communicate with one another. We are willing to listen to eachother and have found what works and does not work in our marriage. We both look out for the others best interest, and choose not to play games and head trips.

This March my husband and I will celebrate 9 AWESOME years of marriage. We are best friends who love and appericate each other. Compared to all my "free" friends my husband and I have a better marriage - and it all boils down to communication.

Being married to a person in prison is a true test of a relationship. You will either struggle and seperate, or you will learn to work at keeping your marriage healthy. We choose to work and keep it healthy. It really does not matter a persons living situation regarding the success of the marriage, but the two people involved.

I would love to give you a report of our success when he does come home. :) I know not all of it will be glorious - it never is in any marriage, but we will have to work through things as a couple. It is not his and mine, or he and I but one and WE.

And just like you, most people are courious and doubtful that a marriage can survive through prison. I have many friends and coworkers that often tell me they hope they are around when my husband comes home so they can see what it will be like for us.

Heck - if we can live and survive through prison life then we are bound to succede when he comes home.

~Song6:3

You know I agree with many here but I find that hard to answer. I don't understand how people think they can just ask you such personal information. It's terribly annoying. My man is a Lifer and I am very much in love with him . . . that will never explain. Like anything else our relationship isn't something that needs to be explained, when it's right it's right. :)

Even though my man is a lifer, life sentences arent as long here as they are in the states (thank god). My man should get a release date pretty soon so I went in last week to get an IUD fitted in preparation for the big event! At the hospital the nurse was grilling me on whether I could be pregnant or not and I just burst out laughing and said "no I am not". But she didnt give up and asked me how I could be so sure. So I let her have it: "my partners in jail thats why"! God did that shut her up, she was speechless! From Sandy

Most of the people I know & work with are aware of my situation, but only a couple have been ill-mannered enough to ask "that question". I wonder if they think inmates' wifes/girlfriends are lower life forms, because I can't imagine anyone just going up to another person with a question like that. At any rate, my first impulse is to tell them that our sex life is just fine; how about THEIRS? And if the person is even remotely adult, I ask them if they had any relatives in the military during the Second World War; and if so, did they happen to ask if these relatives screwed around on their mates, who may have been overseas for several years??? I'm sorry, but people who are so shallow, unthinking, and uncaring make me angry. Maybe THEY should be locked up, with only each other for company. Sorry about the angry tone here; just had to vent a bit---just, in fact, had an encounter of the above kind at work & was still seething.

Sex is over-rated in relationships by far. A marriage or a love is just 1% sexual if it's healthy. It's 99% above the shoulders. Just ignore the ignorance and feel sorry for those who don't know what love REALLY is. If they lose their sex-based ideas, they'll find out what it really is all about. If they keep that narrow focus, then when the sexual ardor goes away some, which it always does, they'll dump their relationships and go looking for more sexual stimulation, thinking they've fallen out of love. What they've really done is just fallen out of bed. :D

I wasn't doing without for most of my man incarceration...we had overnight visits once a month ! Even have a daughter to show for it...right now my man has a 5 year tag that prevents us from having them but that will be up this winter!!!!