I am deeply troubled. Two years ago, my husband tried to end my life by stabbing me 8 times after a six year marriage. He is currently locked up for the next 12 years and then will probably be deported back to his country. He still tries to call me and sometimes I speak with him over the phone. I still have so many intense, strong loving feelings towards him which makes me feel so very crazy. We do communicate by mail as well. But now he is trying to convince me to come to prison to see him which I know I can't do as there is an order of protection on us and he still tells me that I would be given access to him anyway which I don't believe. It has been two years already and I am in therapy but I still speak nothing but loving words about him and have forgiven him. Please tell me do you think I need more extensive therapy to get over these feelings. :(

YES!!! More therapy!

You shouldn't go see him, and if there's a protection order you shouldn't even be getting mail or phone calls. You can call the prison and request a "No contact" order from anyone in that prison, follow up with a letter to the warden, and get him out of your life for good! The contact is like an alcoholic trying to just have a drink now and then. Doesn't work.

O.K. I know this sounds so crazy but sometimes I feel like my medicine doesn't work (antidepressants) as I don't want to be on them forever and I know therapy takes time. But sometimes I go through periods where I won't accept contact from him because I am filled with anger towards him and then sometimes my heart longs to hear from him. And when I hear his voice over the phone I feel less threatened and more at ease. I have read extensive books on the subject and then somehow I want to believe that somehow he will change. Enough books I read, I know that the probability is so slim as he seems to be diagnosed with anti social behavior and is in the mental ward in prison. But why would I feel like there is still hope for us and still fill so loving towards him when I know that we will probably never live as man and wife again.

Forgiving him is fine, and in fact, will allow you to move on in your life but continuing to talk to and write him, is only holding you back and allowing him to continue to have power in your life... and to even think of taking back a man who promised to love, honour and cherish then tried to kill you is nothing but self destructive.

Does your therapist know you're in regular contact with him? If your therapist does not know, why have you withheld that piece of VERY relevant information?
Try not accepting contact for 6 months, regardless of your state of mind.

My fundamental answer is this - he is the key that fits your lock. Unfortunately our locks and keys are created mostly in childhood, and are twisted in odd ways . . . but it doesn't matter why you feel like you love him, as long as you know that you WILL NOT allow him to be in your life again. It's like loving the taste of something you're allergic to - you'd love to eat it, but if you do you will be calling the ambulance to take you to the hospital. So. . . don't eat it is the answer to survival, not questioning why you're allergic.

Great analogy, Nim!

Thank you guys. LeBeau, yes my therapist knows I speak with him and beleive me he doesn't like it but I am still working with him on this issue. I went four months without speaking with him and just recently turned the phone back on to speak with him again. I wrote him a angry letter asking him how could he love someone and try to kill her at the same time. The answers he gives me never pleases me. He takes accountability for his actions but then blames the devil for getting into him. I know I am a rather intelligent person but I grapple with my feelings on a daily basis. My daughter hates me now (17) and lives with my mother in another state and wants to be a lesbian now. I hurt over that as well but I just remain prayerful. If my family knew I still contact him, they would probably disown me.

This guy who tried to kill you can't possibly give a pleasing answer as to why, because there simply is no way to make sense of such brutality... you really must accept that there is no good enough reason for what he did, and by continuing to ask for one, you are spinning your wheels.

Your daughter's sexual orientation, by the way, is not a "choice", she's either a lesbian/bisexual or she's not- nothing you did caused it, nothing you do or say can change it and it's not a disease... but if her anger at you stems from the abuse you seem unwilling to condemn, you might want to really consider rethinking what priorities you're showing- She needs to know that she counts for FAR more than some guy you brought into the home who tried to kill you- I know that in your heart she DOES matter more, but does it look that way to her? I know that sounded VERY unfair and oversimplified, but she was what 8 or 9 when you met him and 15 when he attacked you? At that age, shades of gray are pretty much non-existant and things are far more black and white, good or bad, either/or- So I very likely stated her view fairly accurately.

I know my daughter's anger stems from my abuse and I love her regardless of what her sexual orientation is and told her so. She is still my daughter and will always be. And yes that did sound VERY unfair but yet very honest and I guess honesty hurts. Do I really sound like I an unwilling to condemn or willing to forgive because maybe forgiving will bring me some type of freedom from all this. Sometimes I wonder if my daughter wish I would have died that night as much anger as she has shown me to the point where during her last visit it became physical between her and I. I felt like she was beating me like my husband use to do. But it is slowly getting better and I am so very proud of her. I have asked her to get help but my therapist told me that that would make her feel like she is crazy and she isn't, just angry.

Yes, I'm afraid you do sound unwilling to condemn... and that may or may not be the case, but it does sound that way to someone who is not inside your head... That you want an explanation from him is one of the things I keep coming back to in trying to get a clear idea of where you're at with this... There is no explanation that could make a difference, is there? No matter why he did it, this guy tried to take your life, tried to make your then 15 year old daughter an orphan and it's troubling that you'd even entertain an explanation.

I'm all over forgiving, I love forgiveness because that allows us to move on, free of the resentment and anger that otherwise seeps into every part of our lives, but you mustn't confuse forgiving with forgetting or, worse, excusing.

If he'd beaten and stabbed your daughter, would you give a damn what the reason was?

Hon, if he's been diagnosed as anti-social, you have virtually no hope of leading a good life with him. He doesn't have the chops to be able to respect you, it's just not in him. And the reason??? Because anti-social personalities can only mask their disdain for others for so long before their reality - that no-one counts but them - starts to operate. And you can't stop them finally losing the mask. You make them angry (not that you did anything, but they just can't stand the strain of being "nice" for too long) and then they want to hurt you.

And now you will want to know "but what makes him 'anti-social'? And that goes back to his abusive childhood and possibly to his genetic inheritance. Go read up on it; there's info all over the net about it.'

As to your daughter, she's been watching him being "anti-social" for years, and she has a right to that anger; she has felt him as a threatening presence for years. And it won't stop until a few years after he's out of your life. So you can make it sooner or later, depending on when you finally do let go and move forward.

:shrug:Sometimes I believe that the rage and fear that remains inside me keeps me safe because I don't feel the need or want for contact with the person that tried to kill me and did a damn good job messing me up inside and out.

O.K. I see your points. I think about if something had happened to my daughter I would feel so angry and guilt ridden. She does have a right to her anger. I should be angry myself. I have a hard time dealing with how much I loved him and thought he loved me. I am trying my best to move on but now am at the point that I don't trust my choices in meeting people and put up a wall. I had never been involved in a DV relationship and wondered how did I get there in the end. Now that I read up on the information, I see how I did with marrying him after knowing him a couple of months because he charmed my pants off. I just want to feel normal again.

So do I gracious, so do I. :grouphug:

O.K. now why do I feel really crazy. I found out that he has a woman visiting him in prison. I spoke with him and he told me that the woman wants him to divorce me so she can marry him in order to have conjugal visits. This is crazy, because I am out here and still think about him and I know that I stopped speaking to him for 4 months and had a gut instinct that something was going on with him. SO WHAT THE HELL AM I FEELING JEALOUS ABOUT!!!! I JUST WANT GOD TO GET RID OF THESE FEELINGS!!! I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I'M NOT EVER GOING TO PRISON TO SEE HIM AND WILL NEVER BE WITH HIM AGAIN. SO WHY DO I STILL FEEL HURT. I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM. PLEASE HELP. GOD PLEASE TAKE MY FEELINGS AND PAIN AWAY. And yet he claims he loves me so much and would never divorce me. Oh I am sooooooooooooooo stupid.

Gracious, I'm not saying that this pertains to you, but look up some information on "Traumatic Bonding". I wrote some on it in PTO on June 18th, if you would like to check it in my posts on my profile. It had a big impact on me when I found out about this and helped me to understand why I had such a tough time staying away from someone who cared only about himself and nothing about me! It explained the "hold" and "control" that he had over me, which I couldn't understand myself! It is very interresting to read.

Thanks Lovinmenow. That is my exact situation. Traumatic Bonding. And I can't understand why I am still going through this after two years.

Gracious, I couldn't understand it either and it had been over and year and a half. Apparently this is something that goes very deep and once you recognize it than you can better deal with it. I haven't been with my ex for over two and a half years and I still deal with the feelings! Yeh, it is crazy, just as you said, but you are not alone! Don't think that you are crazy, "IT" is!! I tried to look at it like, "I wasn't giving him what he wanted" which was giving in to it! I won't! He put alot of effort into it and it worked for him for quite awhile, but not anymore! I know that it sounds nuts, but if someone's lived it, as you have, you understand. I felt all the same feelings that you have, and, at times, still do! The only difference now is, I know why! Stay calm. Don't let him win!

I don't mean this question with disrespect but how do you find it in yourself to forgive this man for hurting you after stabbing you 8 times? How did you get past the fear, the not knowing if you were going to see the people you loved again? I am curious, not trying upset you. sokie

That is a good question Sokiegirl. He had threatened to kill me in the past and I never beleived him. I always use to tell him, that he couldn't kill me, that if God wanted me dead, then I would die, but in God's time and not his. I kept that faith because in the end, he is where he belongs, in prison for the next 12 years and then he will be deported back to Jamaica. I do have solace knowing that. I believe that I still want to be in denial that it didn't happen, but when the weather is bad and my wounds start paining me (especially the one on my heart) then I know it has happened. I take enough medicine where I don't have flashbacks or nightmares. I sometimes think maybe I should have flashbacks and relive that night. Maybe when I relive it I will feel the pain and become bitter and angry. When I do think that he coulda taken me away from children, my dog, cats, mother/father, etc. I feel pain and hurt.

They haven't got my medication regulated right yet so I still have the nightmares and sweat. OMG I am so tired from running when I wake up... I wouldn't wish these flashbacks on anyone. I think threw time we may forget what happened, the fear, the panic. Sometimes I still fall back into his way of thinking that if I had did this different or responded in a more positive way that maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to beat me, blind me or maybe I'd still have my girl.
I don't know what to say. I am not nice like you. The rage, hurt and the fact he took something from me that can never be replaced hangs over my heart and soul. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you find the answers you search for. sokie