I'm having a hard time with that too.

If they NEVER change...then what's the point of anger managment and all the other classes, etc. they have for angry people????

I don't want to give up hope!!! I will protect myself, yes...but again, I don't feel right giving up hope that he can't get (and accept) help.

I can't say "never", but it is rare enough to make it a HUGE longshot... and what's worse, most of that small group who do change only do so after years of work and usually with a different partner than the one they abused.

I know the person who hurt me will never change, I can't answer for any others.

I guess I'm having a hard time because reading some of these stories is horrifying!!

After the years we've been together, he's just not 'that bad'. I don't know...maybe I'm just in a hopeful phase....I've got a little baby and another one on the way...and I can see how much he loves....and I know he's come from an abusive home....I just want so much for there to be hope for him.

He's never tried therapy or medication.....

:(

That he comes from an abusive background makes it even less likely that he will break the cycle..... nevermind the fact that you deserve safety, knowing the odds, do you feel like allowing your children to be put at risk is fair or wise?

That he comes from an abusive background makes it even less likely that he will break the cycle..... nevermind the fact that you deserve safety, knowing the odds, do you feel like allowing your children to be put at risk is fair or wise?

I'm a little angry right now....I don't feel like anything is fair.

My whole life has been changing MY life due to other's actions and I'm just tired of it.

I've seen such an amazing person inside him...it's like he's got two personalities. IT. JUST. SUCKS.

I'm new at being a parent....and no, I don't want to put them in danger. I think I'll probably be moving in with my dad. I admit, I have hope of change...but something drastic (and good) needs to happen.

My whole life has been changing MY life due to other's actions and I'm just tired of it

I can SOOOO dig that sentiment!
and no, none of the fallout from even one episode of domestic violence is fair.
It sucks rocks and makes you doubt everything, including your own judgement.

Staying with your dad a while is probably a really good idea.

For the sake of your unborn child, please do not be alone with him until after s/he's born.... If there's ANY chance of him breaking the cycle, he'll agree to that without any hassle- if he can't grasp the idea that you want to ensure the safety of HIS child, there's already nothing to talk about.

If he goes to jail over this episode, so be it- he needs to fully feel the consequences of what he did and to understand that it's not just you but all of society that feels such behavior is wrong.

You need therapy, both of you, individually and maybe in a few months, depending on how each of you and your therapists feel it's going, maybe sessions together... but IF (and it's a big "if") he has a chance of changing, you cannot just forgive him- you'll have to make him work for it... none of them changes without having paid dearly for their behavior.

I wanted him to go to jail. I still do. I wish it was easy...like they found him (cause he left when I was talking to the 911 operator) and took him to jail. At least THAT would be ONE easy thing about all this...but noooooo. He mananged to not get caught (or did they even drive around looking for him???) and is staying with his dad

(and his dad just emailed me asking for his tax info. so he could do his adult son's taxes - pleeeease. It's a 1040EZ for...EZ stands for EASY).

Bah! Venting...sorry.

I NEED therapy...oh yes, yes I do. So...I wonder if it's advisable if he goes to a different therapist than myself.

I think seeing different therapists under the same "parent" practice is best, if it is an option for you.
In my experience, an abusive situation, seen through the eyes and ears of the same therapist, can be "presented" well by the abuser, and not yield a true diagnosis. Many practices that have several therapists working under one Psychiatrist have weekly meetings to discuss their cases together and puts heads together about diagnoses and course of therapy.
I hope this is an option for you, if you both agree to seek counseling.
But I do echo and agree with LeBeau in every piece of heartfelt advice that has been given thus far.

YES! You should have your very own therapist... if, later on, it becomes a good idea for the two of you to work together, then you can each get referrals from your individual therapists for a couples therapist but for now,you should see someone whose ONLY goal is helping YOU sort it all out.... I agree with what GG said, but right now, we don't need to be worrying about him doing his "homework", just taking care of what you and your kids need.

Wow Sugarcane! You sound a lot like me. I am having a really hard time understanding or believing how hard it is for them to change. My BF grew up in abusive situations also. He also is an incredible human being who needs help. I am going to counseling and it helps so so much!! And keep coming back here, it helps keep you in check. If you want, feel free to PM me too. Welcome.

SugarCane, I am sorry for interrupting here but I just went through a severe case with my exwife and her now estranged husband. They had married, the abuse started, and hey divorced. She got cancer, had both breasts removed, he came back so sweet and good to help her get through it. A week after her last radiation treatment he broke her hip and put her in the hospital. She did follow through and make a statement. Once that is done the state takes over and the charges are done even if you change your mind. But they will not do anything unless you make a statement. Their hands are tied. I hope you will at least consider this because no one has the right to phyiscally violate anyone especailly if they are married and they should not be allowed to get away with it. Because every time they do get away with it, the next time is a little easier and a little rougher and so on and so on until ..............I will just leave it at that. God bless you dear and I am praying for you, your baby, and your unborn child.

I don't think that they change.. I have not seem a person who was an abuser change. Both of my Ex's were abusive. The 1st one it went on for years many I did not know how to get out. Then when I did get out of that one Only to find my self in another one. But this one I really thought I could help. He was fresh out of prison when I met him. I thought LOVE could help him. Made him feel like family, he moved in with me and my kids. He said my kids need to act right he thought they need to be grounded for everything. I thought I was not a good mom. but I was so wrong.. My kids say they forgive me but when they had to beg his friend to come get him off me cause he was killing me. That still was not enough for me. I could write a book.. But in the end I found out that he was abusive with his ex wife and their child too.. He never hit my kids but that does not matter, He was my biggest mistake.
Now if anyone touches me once that is it. I will not let another hurt me like that again.

There are limited circumstances in which change can happen - but with an abusive background, he probably doesn't qualify. Abuse in childhood almost always permanently damages the psychological structure and the brain structure as well. There are studies on this, and they tend to show particular areas of the brain as far smaller than average, and extreme excitement of the more aggressive areas, even when they are fairly young - early teens.

As to counseling - you need a domestic abuse specialist - the average "couples therapist" WILL NOT DO! Their aim is to keep couples together, and abusers are far too canny to do well there - you will be sitting there, opening your heart, and 20 minutes after you leave the session he will be screaming about whatever you said that questioned him or diminished him, even if it's imagined. He also needs someone who is really well-versed in the subtleties of abuse. And that therapist should occasionally be checking in with you to make sure that the truth is being told (it usually isn't) about attitudes and incidents.

This takes hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars, with limited results. The ones who make it through a couple of years of this type of counseling are safe, within limits. Any drug or alcohol use can set them rolling again.

There are occasional abusers who only begin abusing after some sort of highly traumatic exposure - rape, war, hostage situation, things like that - who can be brought back from the edge with counseling and therapy for PTSD. And one or two meth users who can recover as long as they NEVER touch a drug of any sort again. Not most, though.

I gave my ex so many chances because he kept telling me that "this time he has changed"! That doesn't just happen! As a matter of fact, it very rarely does! As they say, a Zebra can't change their stripes! All I can say is that each time the abuse got worse. I just refuse to take the chance of putting myself in jeapardy again! I refuse to risk my life any more for anyone!

:(

This isn't a very hopeful post.

/sadsadsad

It's just so weird...he doesn't scream at me. He doesn't restrict things I do. Only when I "nag" him about doing something over and over or I get pissed about something....and start in with name calling or whatever...does he go off.

I know it's still not right...and I'm not making excuses for him...but all these stories I read about these men...it just doesn't fit.

His grandma just told me she'd foot the bill for therapy.

:shrug:

I know exactly how you feel. I understand wanting to make it work, I'm trying too. But I keep coming back here for a reality check. I know I need to protect my children and you need to protect yours!! Read more posts. It is such a dangerous time for you in a violent and/or abusive relationship while you are pregant. Please be careful!!

Yeah...all signs are pointing towards living with my dad.
I'm just so sad and mad all at the same time.

Sad is OK, mad is OK. Injured or dead is not.

There is a permanent note on every forum on PTO, asking us all to please remember that offenders of all sorts can change. I for one don't believe in writing ANYONE off forever. But if there is hope it's a ways down the road and needs some tough love from you, not the warm cozy kind

There is a permanent note on every forum on PTO, asking us all to please remember that offenders of all sorts can change. I for one don't believe in writing ANYONE off forever. But if there is hope it's a ways down the road and needs some tough love from you, not the warm cozy kind


This is kinda what I've been thinking.

But alas, I know that something big is gonna have to happen with ME. I'm going to have to change the situation. DRASTICALLY. It saddens me to give up on him...to move out of his life and say "when you're better, give me a call and WE'LL SEE. Til then...get a custody lawyer."

Hopefully things can be arranged peacefully. Just his apathy is tearing at my heart. But I guess that's all part of it.

BUMMMMMMMMMER.

yeah it's a bummer, but by doing what you must you help all concerned!

I agree that they might change( but with someone other than who they abused and a lot latter on down the Line--when they actually find love in thier heart for someone ( and i have seen this but usally the other person dont really care a flip about them,,makes you wander if it was punishment for all the abuse that person caused in others life,:rolleyes:

Sugar Cane - I wanted to add one more thing about your situation - many men start abusing WHEN their wive/girlfriend is pregnant. It's so common that it's a standard warning in domestic abuse agencies. It's as if they realize that they aren't the center of everything any more, and they have to take center stage no matter what. If that means killing you or the baby or both, then that's what it means. If it focuses you back on them short of that, it will only be to the detriment of that child, because you will always have to put him first, and that baby will never get what it really needs from you - security, joy, safety, time, attention. Mine wouldn't hold the baby, so if I cooked, it was with one hand (the other cradling the baby on my hip; if I ironed, it was with the baby right nearby; if it was a choice between feeding time (breast feeding) or doing something for him, I'd better do it, carrying the baby or whatever, but get it done!

I don't want to try to tell you what kind of stupid hell that was. In fact, thinking about it now is giving me a very ugly feeling about what I did to my child. So I'm going to stop.

Wow. I wonder if they are seriously thinking in their heads something like:

"Well, she's not paying attention to me...I bet if I MADE her or scared her into paying attention...that would work."

Nope- There's no real "thought" going on, any more than a dog is "thinking" when he bites- it's a reflex and it's unpredictable.

I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating- Domestic violence is the number one cause of death for pregnant women in the US.

I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating- Domestic violence is the number one cause of death for pregnant women in the US.

Believe me, it's on repeat in my brain.

tamitha, I'm proud of you girl! Your reality checks are showing in your posts. We all are pulling for you! Sugarcane, seems like he just doesn't lilke for you to have an opinion other than his, or you can't get angry. That's not right, and I too had a perfect marriage, my trouble didn't start until I was about 6 mo preg with my 1st. Episodes would happen so far and few between the first 6yrs or so that I just didn't pay attention. No hits directly, but abuse, trust me. (still to ashamed that I allowed things like this to happen to talk about in public). I left after the first one was 6 mo. stayed away for 6 mo then went back. Second child 2 yrs later, I stayed away 3 mo after that one was born. After the third child was 4 yrs old I left for good. You know what my excuse was? Where would I go with 3 kids, no car and no job? (He never wanted me to work). The real battle started when I did finally get a job. My independence was what frightened him the most. 18 yrs later I'm sitting here talking to you. It was 15 yrs before I saw him again. Yes a more sedate man. Yes the man I fell in love with is still there,yes, I had to keep my reality check, because everything I fell in love with was still there in a very mature, very tempting package, yes the temper has mellowed over the yrs and lack of steroids......but I will never forget what mental and physical damage was done by continuing to live with this man. To myself and my children. I will never forget the fear I felt when I had to get a restraining order, and the judge told me "THIS IS ONLY A PIECE OF PAPER", you have to protect yourself. I'l never forget doing house work with a 38 strapped to my hip. I'll never forget the feeling of looking over my shoulder all the time. I will never forget having to call the police on him and nothing ever being done. Thank the Good Lord Illinois adopted the stalking law during my horrible 5 yr divorce and custody battle........I sold my house, moved to another county, then finally I left the state in the middle of the night with my father, my 16 yr old son and myself in a moving van, and never said a word till I crossed state lines and asked my father how he felt traveling with somone in total contemp of court. My dad was a retired cop. I came home, I finally felt safe with 800 miles between us, and thanks to my wonderful parents (both passed now) for helping my children blossom and gettting my head back on straight. I went to a state that wouldn't make me take the kids back. Yes, change can happen, but I found out no matter how much we want change to happen, HE has to make it happen. My ex now knows what he missed out on, and yes my children and I have let him back into our lives, (distantly and very planned visits) Yes, it's sad for him, but everyone has choices in life and he made his. I never talked bad about my childrens father in front of them, I allowed him to talk to them, and once a yr I sent them to their grandparents for visits. Move forward with this new life inside you, move in with your dad if you have to for awhile, you'ld be surprised how much help a granddad on hand can be with a new baby! God Bless you sweetheart and you too tamitha! Hang tough! You have alot of great coaches here that have already put their footprints on this path, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER! AND SO DOES THAT BABY!

nimuay is so right that it can start when your pregnant or can get worse. Like nimuay there are things that went on that I dont think about cause it cause so much pain to think that I put any of my kids though that all for the name of LOVE.. But it was not LOVE in any form.
Hugs to you.

That is really interesting about pregnancy and abuse. I hadn't heard that before. We were trying to get pregnant when he decided to try to kill me. I didn't....thank God! I fortunately (sometimes unfortunately) don't ever have to see him again, if I don't want to. Of course, I do. But that is not safe for my emotions. I think we could all say we have been manipulated and trusting in a change, where did that get us? It got me in the hospital for weeks on life support. Always starts small....it only has one way to go....bigger. I wish I practiced what I preach here. I am so far, but need to come here frequently for reality checks and tugs to pull me in the right direction. Please leave before you are dead, and your children don't have a mother or father.

All of this is so scary.

Just around reading.. trying to find my own inner strength. I am the same way.. I REALLY BELIEVE THAT HE CAN CHANGE!

I suppose at one time or another everyone of us that come to this forum wanted to believe the one who hurt us could and would change. Most of us found out after returning time after time that the abuse got worse and sometimes leaving was impossible because we 'loved' them so much. And then there are a few of us that have scars on our body & faces -- not just inside-- because we laid our hearts, souls, and life's on the line to prove it.
These relationships are very dangerous and damaging not just to your heart but your body's. When a person is so angry, maybe rage is a better word, they don't care about how much you love them, how much you have sacrificed to be with them, or that they can kill you with a blow to the head or throat.
I'm glad I got out even as hard as it was crawling away and staying away. It's been over a year since I left and I don't think about him much anymore, not in a good way when I do. :(

The only question more frightening than will he change is what if we don't. It's that question that might save your life.

I can't say no one ever changes; people do , but with hard work and lots of soul searching, extensive counseling and medication. Years and years down the line , change may come. But they have to want to change more than anything and give all to work on it, not just talk a line of stuff that they think the other person wants to hear.

I once had a puppy, one of the cutest Jack Russell terriers you could ever see. We got him when he was 6 weeks old, from a very good home. The first day he was in the house my partner picked him up, as you do with a puppy, held him in front of him to play kissy-face. Half a second later he was prying puppy teeth out of his lower lip. We kept that dog for 3 years. He achieved 21 bites! We tried trainers, shock collars, tranquilizers. We could not help that dog. I had him put down after he ripped my niece's face open. I couldn't even think of a place to ask to adopt him - he went after people without provocation.

When he wasn't biting he was the most beautiful, bounciest "throw-the-ball-throw-the-ball-throw-the=ball!!!!" little cutie...

Sound familiar?

Dr. Phil says that people do what works for them; by giving these people a million second chances we only enable them to continue NOT to change. I say this even as I'm waffling...yet it remains a fact. Unless we change ourselves in dramatic ways we are the other half of a sick relationship that allows violence (emotional and physical) to continue. I AM NOT saying we are responsible for their violence against us....but to be a victimizer he's got to have a victim. And when we don't offer ourselves for that role any longer. It's the only gaurantee that it won't continue with us.

I continue to waffle--so I don't necessarily know if it always takes leaving forever to get to the point where I'm not his victim anymore. I cling to the hope that if I learn how not to be a victim maybe he won't want to be my abuser?? Most likely though, once he realizes I'm not going to follow him anymore, that I won't leave my family or friends...I won't even be attractive to him any longer because what he wanted/needed was a follower. That I KNOW I will never be again!!

(Baby steps people...please be patient with me.)

GiaElise

I believe that they will never change if they never learn how to put their anger under control; basically if they still allow it to control them then they will never change! I've noticed with my husband that once he gets upset he allows that anger to control all of his actions, instead of taking the time to make sure he is making the correct response! He has enough since not to be physically violent and more so tends to get upset when things don't go the way he thinks they should! What amazes me is how an individual can keep this same rage and anger under control while in prison but immediately turn to their old ways once home and are able to chose their actions! I'm most convinced that the ones that don't change, chose to be the way they are!

Nope- There's no real "thought" going on, any more than a dog is "thinking" when he bites- it's a reflex and it's unpredictable.

I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating- Domestic violence is the number one cause of death for pregnant women in the US.


Wow! I did not know that!

I learn something new every day. That is a terrible and scary fact.

Wow.

well, i dont know if they change or not but i want to beleive they do. i think my husband has changed from the time he went to prison till now. he says he has and i by heart beleive him, because he has changed in so many other ways. i love him and it was my fault that the situation of the beating started. and i accept it. i think he finally matured and realized all the mistakes he was making in his life. but i have promised my self not one more time. what i mean is the day his free he will never lay a hand on me again. because if he does i will leave him forever no matter how much it hurts me. its been a year 5 months since he got caught. if stood by him every single day, i write to him, send him money and tell him how much i love him and miss him. i have been faithful and respected my marriage in every way possible. so i think i dont deserve to be beat. but if he thinks i do, well then all i have done for him was a waist of time. and he isnt worth it. i love him, yes i do, with all my heart, but nor i do my kids deserve that life. best of wishes to all you that r in that situation or were before. i hope u make the safest choices. god bless u.

I just wanted to say good luck adeliz. I am one of the statistics that went back one to many times thinking if it happened again that I could make it out safely with my child.

I must say I have been reading everyone of these post and it really has me thinkn about my own situation. My husband is very abusive towards me before and after marriage.yes i married him.. Anyways i heard it all the time Ill never do it again, but it would aways happen again, I would get beat so bad at times that the paramedics would have to revive me, then i would have short term memory loss rite afterwards... He dident care where i was, he would bust up into the poeples house were i was and attack me, in front of these people, he beat me in a convenient store one time.. he just dident care. I always thought it was something i was doing wrong ,like not showing him that i loved him enough, i remember one time he was getting angrey with me and i just grabed him,and begged him not to hurt
me i kept tellin him how much i loved him but it dident work needless to say, i went to the emergency room that nite. i never could really understand what makes a human being want to hurt another human being like that especially a husband toward his wife. I really want to beleave he can and will be a changed man when he comes home from prison, but i say tomyself at times, who am i kiddin Prison is not rehab... Yeah here in Tx they offer anger management classes, Choices, May be the same thing Im not sure. He sayes next hes doing his Ged then takin a Parenting class. I ask myself is he doing this So that I will think hes going to change, Are is he doing all this because he wants to change. I love this man with all my heart and soul and i so want him to change, But how will I know if hes really going to change? Do I have to take another beating before I find out? I love my life, I love my children I want them to have wonderfull childhood memories not memories of mommy getting the mess beat out of her. and I dont want my girls thinking its ok for a man to put there hands on them. And it is something how they can behave thereselves in prison but once they come home they start actin stupid! So that shows me they can controll there actions. They abuse us because they want to. Thats just my openion. I forgot to mention to that he was addicted to crack before he went to prison. Not a axcuse for the abuse by the way. He has at least another year are so to do before he is released and Im not really sure if im going to be able to stick around and wait on him.. Does that make me a bad person? Please ladies i need some help here.

Livetoluvhim.......Well no you are not a bad person for feeling that way, but I sense that this man has stripped you of your self esteem. You are stating all true facts about not wanting your children to grow up that way. Think about how you would feel if your daughter is in the E.R. because of an abusive man, how could you talk sense to her, if thats all she knows? :confused::confused: I am ouraged at the story you have told and very saddened, my heart aches for you and your children. You said you knew it was your fault...:nono::nono::nono:... not...ever...any reason for any human being to put his or her hands on another :shake::shake: never. I hope I didnt offend you in any way, as my intentions were only to console you. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me ....I am a great listener:yes:

live2luvhim,
you are not even close to being a bad person for not wanting to stick around when he is out. i dont blame you at all. i understand you a lot mor than you can imagen. its that we are humans and we humans get tired of putting up with all that s***. man think we never will, but there so wrong, there comes a time when we put our foot down and say enough is enough. i personally belive that my husband has changed. i might be wrong, i accept it, but my heart tells me he has. it tells me prison has been his worst nightmare and has thought him a huge lesson. my husband is a wonderful man but with out excusing it drugs played a big role on his change. he beat me yes, never as bad as your story, i am in shock. but if he dosent change well life goes on and i will move on with out him, even though i will feel like the almost 3 yrs of wait were thrown away. i dont judge you for staying, so did i, but i hope you can open up your eyes and realize life is beautiful and we only live once, and ofcourse we all deserve to live a happy life. best of luck to you.:)

Before letting them drag their baggage into the house why don't you give it a few months to get to know one another again. Let them get use to the ideas that you (as their wifes, girlfriends, and lets not forget your children) have lived a few years without them telling you what to do and how you should feel. You have carried on in your everyday life without being manipulated or your thought processes being swayed to their ways of thinking or doing so give them a chance to adjust to you before totally trusting them again.
I can tell you from experience that hearts get broken sometimes but they don't bleed or get jerked out of your chest when it happens.
Peace, sokie

you know sokie u r probably right, but my main concern is the fact that my boys miss there dad so badly. he is in california and i live in texas so i cant afford to go see him and we havent seen him since last august. my boys ask for him and want to know when is there daddy coming home. the other day we went to see an apartement we r moving since i live with inlaws and my oldest asked me if when his daddy came home he was going to live here with us. it broke my heart. because he knows us 4 r a family and he sees that his daddy is missing and will be missing once we move in the apartment. i want my kids to be with there dad as soon as he is free again. they need him so much to play football, baseball go to the park or simply go to the corner store like he always would. he is a good father and i cant deny that, thats why my kids love him so much and thats why i have waited paitently and faithfully for him. if when free he messes up well then it will all be his lose. i hope i am making the right choice, but only time will tell. god bless you and any comments good or bad are appreciated. thanks.

Livetoluv, what strikes me first...is how beautiful you are in your photo on here. Seriously. The second question, which is a hard one, and i don't have an answer for you...is who do you love more? Your kids or this guy? Because if you love your kids more than this guy, you must protect them-both by keeping you, their mama, who they love more than anyone else in the world, safe, and by never, ever letting them think it is normal or okay or something you just put up with to be beaten up.

If you love him more than your kids, you will take him back.

JMO.

I just want to add-WE love you, here, and you can post anytime with whatever decision you make, and it's okay. You are safe here, safe to be yourself.

I didn't post to upset you or disrespect what you feel you need adeliz so I apologize if I did. I guess my main concern in all of this is your children because i lost one :shrug:
Can I ask you a personal question just for my curiosity because I try to stay updated on condition's of release and parole in California? You said he is in Cali. and you Texas, right? When he is released will he have to do the 52 weeks of domestic violence counseling that California requires or does Texas just disregard that and the no contact with the victim until released from parole?
I seriously hope things work out for you and your family--thats what life is about, family and loving one another.

honestly i dont know, but i dont think so. My husband is not in prison for domestic violence, he is in for intent to distribute. the domestic violence is an issue only between him, his family, you guys and i. Yes his family knew about the things he would sometimes do to me and others they didnt even know because i was embarressed to say so i would always keep it a secret. i dont tell any one else about this because i am so embarrassed. i posted about my life here because sometimes you feel like you have to tell someone and well i can vent here. i like to receive comments good or bad i dont mind, and i also like to hear about other peoples experiences. i can say i started this situation, unfortunely. thanks to you all and god bless you.;)

Keeping it quiet is part of the shame that comes with domestic violence. I kept it quiet until it was too late.
Just be safe adeliz and change your password on this site when he gets out so he never knows you posted about it to us. Please don't lose contact with this board because I really care what happens with you and your family. sokie

i can say i started this situation, unfortunely. thanks to you all and god bless you.;)

It was a huge, HUGE struggle for me to walk away without guilt because I was at least 50% of the problem when it came to our explosions. I can be just as intimidating and explosive and even physically violent as my ex ever was. But what I came down to (besides protecting the kids from our explosions--which is reason enough) was that I cannot say that he is as dedicated to the amount of accountability and oversight by counselor's and my community as I am....he won't take the road I must take in order to be sane and happy. So, since I cannot be sane out there with him and he won't join me to learn how to live the strieight life here---that's the end of that discussion.

Since making that choice I've come to realize that his justifications, mental abuse and intimidations and actually, his delusions made me take much, MUCH more of the blame then I deserved. But I couldn't see that (literally could not grasp it even in my head) until I stopped listening to him for almost 6 weeks.....and the ONLY reason that happened was because he became so mentally ill that he stopped calling.

Someone asked me today "If he hadn't been arrested, you'd still be with him?" ABSOLUTELY. Thank God he was arrested!!!

(Sorry for hijacking your thread...just wanted you to wonder if maybe, just maybe it's your combination that's explosive....)

GiaElise (LOTS OF HUGS!!!)