Why We Love Children !

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.' :D :D (Reggie this one is for you):D :D


4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' :D :D


5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' :D :D :D


7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' :D :D :D


8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. ' :D :D :D


9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'


10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.' :D :D

Dear friend sent this to me so I thought I'd pass the smiles your way. Have a HAPPY DAY!:D :D :D

Very cute! Thanks for the smiles! Definitely needed it today.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_21.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000)http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_13.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000)http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_1.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000)

AHAHA TB! Too funny!!! :)
The Three Sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

AHAHA TB! Too funny!!! :)
The Three Sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
ROTF...Too funny. Thanks for the giggle....:D :D :D

Big Trouble

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!" :)

Reggie
That was great I am sending those to my sons. Thanks for the laugh.
Sue

LOL Oh these are to cute! Thanks for the smiles! :)

Too funny. I'm sitting over here giggling and my dogs think I am nuts.

How Precious! Thank you for sharing these.

Just found this. Been MIA for a few days and still trying to catch up. What a great way to start my day.
Tigrldy, my dogs are doing the same thing. Sometimes I think they are smarter than we think they are. hehe

Been reading this little book called 'Children's Letters to God'. It is so cute. Just had to share some.

Dear God - How did you know you were God?

God - It's OK that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?


Dear God - What does it mean you are a jealous God. I thought you had everything.

Dear God - Is reverend Coe a friend of yours or do you just know him through business?

Dear God - I am American what are you?

Dear God - Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God - Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.

Dear God - Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was suppose to be our day of rest.

Dear Mr. God - I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had 3 stitches and a shot.

Dear God - Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Dear God - I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

THAT IS PRECIUOS!!!!! :)

Been reading this little book called 'Children's Letters to God'. It is so cute. Just had to share some.

Dear God - How did you know you were God?

God - It's OK that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?


Dear God - What does it mean you are a jealous God. I thought you had everything.

Dear God - Is reverend Coe a friend of yours or do you just know him through business?

Dear God - I am American what are you?

Dear God - Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God - Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.

Dear God - Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was suppose to be our day of rest.

Dear Mr. God - I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had 3 stitches and a shot.

Dear God - Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Dear God - I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

This is so cute. Thanks for sharing, :D

Dear God - How did you know you were God?

Dear God - Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God - Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was suppose to be our day of rest.

Dear God - Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Dear God - I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

I love these!

I was poking around through the threads and came across this one so thought I'd put this one on. It's not about kids, but pretty cute.



Getting Rid of the Bats



Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.

One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"

LOL That's funny!

Too cute...Thanks

Thank you all so much for the funnies...they are great!!!!...and please...don't stop now

A Letter Addressed to God

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."


The Lord Will Save Me!




It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.

The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"

After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.

"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"

The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"

Too cute, letter to God! :)

Two little old ladies Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

Bunk Beds
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

Blondeback Mountain...
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude
man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a
pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel
comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,
brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being
so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have
been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've
wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits
patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.
minutes left,
"Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies,
But let's change positions. This time, I'll
hold the pigeon down
and you crap on its head."
......... AND WHAT WERE YOU.... THINKING????

The Children of Israel

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right.""And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

The Door Stopper

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

AHAHA! ROTF!!! Mary, and I'm, Those are good ones! :)


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

These are great! Thanks for cheering up my day!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat, five year old Billy
stayed home from Church with a sitter. When his family returned
home they were carrying several Palm Branches. Billy asked what
they were for? His parents replied "People held them over Jesus'
head as He walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," Billy fumed, "The
one Sunday I don't go to Church, HE showed up!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Easter Sunday as the Minister was preaching the Children's
Sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
I know a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny asked his Grandma how old she was. Grandma
answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and
then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

Those were too funny ladies!

Wendy

The Senility PrayerGod grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
:wave::wave::wave::wave::wave::wave::wave::wave::w ave::wave:
During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said, "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!'"
:)

Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home."
Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k."
Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling can have the empty roll ... to make a Mother's Day present.
Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.
Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard.
Will try to hide a leaf green vegetable in a cookie.
Will buy an 8 x 10 photo of her little darling with a palm tree growing out of her ear.
Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler ... Visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn.
Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist.
Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior.
Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.
Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."
Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter.
Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a wagon to a tricycle.
Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots ... buy two carrots.
Surrenders her best black skirt to be worn by a Halloween witch.
Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top bunk bed.
Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the French Club to Disneyland.
Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a last-minute science project.
Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone.
Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.
Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.That's us alright...I remember this stuff from when my "babies" were little...In fact, much of this stuff is still going on with the grandkids hanging around
:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay: :yay:

Hymns By Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. "Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."

The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood."The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.

They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?

" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

" This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan

The Power of Women There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

He said...She said

He said .... I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said .... You wear pants don’t you?

He said .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said .... That’s a good idea – You stand by the sink and do the dishes while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
She said .... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said .... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said .... A widow.

He said .... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said .... Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.

The Door Stopper

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

I love cats but am still giggling at this one!:eek:

2 and 5 are my creed

Sometimes we just need to remember what The 12 Rules of Life really are:
1) Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2) You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3) The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."
4) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5) Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6) If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
7) Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
8) When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9) If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10) Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11) Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; it was given to us by God. He just lets us borrow it while we're here... even our kids.
12) And finally... Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Love it Perque! :)

When my little boy "Julian" was 3 years old I took him to the dentist for a checkup. He didn't want to stay still while the doctor was checking his mouth so I told him: "Julian! .. if you don't stay still and let the doctor do his job, you're gonna end up without any teeth, just like your grandma" -- My little boy sat up and turned his head to me saying: "no, momma, .. my grandma DOES have teeth!! -- they are hidden in the kitchen drawer" --:yes:

:haha: Funny and oh so true!

ROTF in the kitchen drawer! :) :) :)

lol kitchen draw
i like # 2 perque

Say Cheese!

It was almost time for school to dismiss and a mother noticed it looked like rain. So she drove toward school to pick up her eight-year-old daughter.

She turned down the street to see her daughter running towards her down the sidewalk. A lightning bolt flashed and the little girl looked up towards the sky, smiled and then began running towards her mother's van.Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl looked towards the sky, smiled and resumed running. This happened several more times until the little girl finally arrived at where her mother was parked.

Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange behavior. "Why did you keep stopping and smiling at the sky," she asked her daughter.

"I had to, Mommy. God was taking my picture."

Hymns for Her

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

;) those were cute..

True story, my son that is locked up overheard me on the phone talking to a girlfriend when he was about 3. I took him with me to see another friend and he asked "can I see your new carpet?" My friend was so impressed that he asked and she took him to the other room. I followed and he turned to me and said "it doesn't make me sick, mom" It was hideous, and it did make me sick she bragged about it.

Wendy

:eek::haha::haha::haha::fb:wendy

Can always count on ya'll for a good chuckle. Thanks guys!

Wendy, That was funny! Everyday life stories, especially with kids are really a hoot. My oldest grandson gave me one that I won't forget.

On my son's 19th B'day, my daughter, grandson (6 at the time), a few of their friends, and I went to a seafood place on the bayway to celebrate. It had the typical nautical decor; and when I went to the rest room, they were designated with:"buoys for boys, and gulls for girls;" During the meal, my grandson said he needed to go and insisted on going by himself; since it was only 10 feet away, we let him. I watched him as he looked from one door to the other, and then came back to the table and said: " I can't use their bathroom cause I can't read spanish". His deadpan expression made it more hilarious and I wish that we had that kodak moment.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

Two guys go out to bungie jump...the first guy goes off the bridge...and when he comes back up he has some bruises...and yells "WHAT"...and starts his fall again...on his return he hollers "IS"...and down he goes again...on the next rebound he calls "A"...and starts the next decent...when he bounces back up he crys "PINATA?"

Two men walk into a bar...bump. bump.

heehee, I think I've heard that sound before............:)

The Pope took a couple of days off from his duties at the Vatican to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.
The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, and then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them.
"I had heard that there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.... but its only a 'penney for your thoughts'? where does that extra penney go ?

on the ground for someone to pick up for good luck..;)

and I collect those pennies on the ground, they are pennies from heaven...LOL

once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity ?
(in davidsmominva case... a moo-moo) :)

once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity ?
(in davidsmominva case... a moo-moo) :)
:eek: I'd better put in my request now...don't want to be stuck in anything uncomfortable for the rest of eternity

How do you keep your clothes clean? if you were stuck in them for all eternity? sounds we need another set of clothes just to have something to wear while we get them clean...

Alright I must confess I have had some strange jobs. When I was in High School I put interiors in caskets, yes I did it. So I know I want a pillow, no shoes on and a box of nestle quick with me. Did ya get the order on that. My luck it will be like the drive through window and get messed up on my order.

Well, it's been raining for 2 days, very few fishermen, and I need a smiley :) I think that I'll give Aunt Karen a bottle, and send her on a rescue mission for our kids :)

AUNT KAREN

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory
and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She
drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher.

'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'

LOL Aunt Karen.......:)

Why Eve was created

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

And Thats The Truth Too!!! Ok A Fact..god Was Right!!!:d

LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS.....

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) :eek:

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7) :thumbsup:

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) :cool:

4 . If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) :confused:

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6) :p

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) :D:D

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7) :D:D

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) :confused:

9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink.
(Kevin age 6). :D:D

LOL that is too cute! :)

LOL these were funny.........:)

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
“I don’t remember much after that .”

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
“I don’t remember much after that .”
:spit: :haha: :haha: :haha: ROTFLMBOPIMP!!!!! I can't stop laughing! :ha:

roflmbopimp loved that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another funny spot...:yay::yay: Yeah :D :thnx: