Last year my boyfriend was arrested for DV and since that time has been going through the court system.. he was taken into custody a little over a week ago.. my son is 7 and is very close to my boyfriend and we have since the arrest been working out our problems and my boyfriend had been going to counseling..

My son was suspended from school today and I know it is because he is having a hard time understanding why Ben had to go away..and why he did what he did. I have been very honest with him letting him know that the are consiquenses for the things you do and even if you are working on being a better person you still have to pay the price for the things you do..

Does anyone have any advice..

He needs to be in counseling as soon as possible. There are people who specialize in dealing with children and can be offered to you through your victim advocate. Also, your family and children services may be able to point you in the right direction.

The general gist is, "big people do bad things some times just like little people and have to be punished. It doesnt mean they dont love you (although we all know sometimes it does), but when his punishment is over we can see if we will all still be friends."

But I'd leave it to the professionals initially! You may want to inform the principal about whats going on in his life and maybe they'll have mercy on him.

Take this as a warning of the way your boyfriend will continue to impact your life - his violence is now creating new violence in your son. And even though you think you and he can work it out, your odds are very low. Without a professional involved, the odds become virtually none.

Most of all, your son won't be forgetting an attack upon you, and though he may be very attached to your bf, he is more attached to YOU. Do you discount the idea that his acting out may be as much about YOU having been abused? (Which, incidentally, is effectively abusing your son as well?)

I think you would do well to reassure him that YOU are all right, but still trying to recover from your own pain. Please, don't let him focus in sympathy on the man who caused it.

I have to agree 100% with Nim. If you think hard enough you see that this was probably not an isolated incident. Councelling when it comes to domestic violence needs to be extremely intense and it has to go on for YEARS if it's supposed to work properly. Normal couples therapy and normal shrinks don't work very well on the abusive types.

As for your son - I left my ex after one isolated incident. Mostly because he did it in front of my daughter and for that I just couldn't find it in my heart to forgive him. It took her a long time to get over it. But in time we got there with the help of a children's psychologist, a lot of structure/routine and endless reassurances on my part that none of this was her fault.... that he didn't do any of what he did because of anything SHE did or said. And also not because of anything I did or said. She was between 3 and 4 years old when it happened, she's 8 now and she still remembers it. One isolated time.... and it had that much impact on her. Do you REALLY want to take the chance on this happening again? I have thought about it many times since then..... if it had such an influence on my daugther... seeing something like that only ONCE.... what kind of an effect does it have on children seeing it over and over again? Is it even possible for kids to recover from repeated acts of violence against their parents? Here (http://www.amazon.com/When-Dad-Hurts-Mom-Witnessing/dp/B000HIV0CM/ref=pd_ecc_rvi_cart_2) is a very good book about kids and dv. And for you, this (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=pd_sim_b_img_2) book is also very very good.

Please please think long and hard about this... think about the example you're setting for your boy, dig back in time to see if there wasn't more to this than just that one time your boyfriend did it. You will find all the red flags in the above mentioned book if you take the time to read it... I promise.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi Brandy, I am new but have read much on here and I have read a fair bit of advice given by Nim and disaree with not one word she has said. I was smacked and spat on whilst holding my daughters as a regular occurence and called slut so often that my eldest daughter thought it was my name when she was 2. My girls have not had to live with him in their home for 2 years now and have had no contact with him since february but still they get the night terrors. These random attacks of uncontrollable screaming crying and shaking are just horrific but just as bad are the days when out of the blue one or both of them will ask questions like " The policeman wont let daddy get you again will he mummy?" or " Daddy cant come in this house can he?". They are now 3 and 4. What it does to their emotional and spiritual growth even if they do not "witness" violence but live with the fear and tension that reigns in their homes is the biggest crime of all in my opinion. Your son was old enough to understand what was going on better than my daughters did - is this better or worse do you think?. Should there even be a distinction?. Love him, be kind calm and patient, and pray for him. Try to show by example that there is a better way to be and for goodness sake get him a counsellor. I wish JOY and PEACE to you both.