MomInMI
01-27-2008, 04:46 PM
I've been on PTO for about 5 months, but just now worked up the courage to even read anything on this forum.
I was with a man for 22 years, married to him for 21, who had serious anger management issues. I was in denial for years that what was occurring in my home was domestic violence. In all honesty, I can say that the incidents in my life were nowhere near as violent as some I have read here. I believe that is part of why I excused his behavior, and my own failure to own up to what was happening.
He hit me on several occasions, but with an open hand. His primary physical intimidation was to get me cornered, hold me there, and yell in my face. Physical threats were given by throwing things (tables, chairs, phones, dishes), punching walls, etc. Anything that was not his personal possession was open to being broken, thrown away, sold, or given away. I tried repeatedly to get him to leave, but he would not. I even offered to buy him a house if he'd leave, but he wouldn't. The one time I tried to leave, he raped me.
I went on anti-depressants, which he would try to hide as he said they "changed me", and started counseling. Then he put his hands on our oldest son, who was 8 at the time. Threw him onto a bed and into a wall. I told my counselor about it so that she could notify Social Services - I didn't have the guts. From DSS, he got 6 months of counseling; I got a lecture and repeated threats that they were going to prosecute me for child endangerment.
For a couple of years after that, it was just temper tantrums where he'd say degrading and hurtful things. The throwing things, disposition of personal property, and verbal threats never truly stopped, but escalated when our oldest son was 14, and he began threatening my son with physical violence. I found out from my son's friend that my then husband had kicked at and punched my son in the back and shoulder. I insisted that he go to anger management counseling (at my expense). He attended for 2 years, the physical violence stopped but the verbal and emotional abuse continued.
During this time, he never targeted our younger son. When he turned about 12, the threats began against him as well. The final straw for me was when we attended my younger son's football game. My older son was in the hospital with pneumonia, so we had the care of his two daughters, 2 and 3 at the time. After the football game, the girls were tired and wanted to be carried. I had one of the babies in my arms, and my then husband refused to carry the other girl. Instead he started yanking her hard by the arm, forcing her to walk. When I tried to pull her out of his grasp, he hit me with the umbrella he was carrying. I filed for divorce a week later.
In addition to the abusive behavior, he was no prize. He refused to pay any bills - his money was his money and my money was his money. He used drugs and alcohol whenever he felt like it, and I found out shortly before filing for divorce that he'd been smoking pot and drinking with our oldest son and his friends since my son was 12 years old. He refused to do any work around the house, other than mowing the lawn which he only did after I bought the biggest and best John Deere riding lawnmower he could find. He never attended school conferences or events, took the kids to the doctor, or helped them with anything. He refused to file income tax returns unless I let him have the refund. I made more money than him, paid more in taxes as he overfiled on his W-4 forms at work so he wouldn't pay taxes on his income, so we simply didn't file.
I have heard rumors recently that he was cheating on me for years. I wish someone had told me, as I kept saying to myself "If only he'd do something that would justify my divorcing him, like cheat". Bizarre that I never thought of his behavior as a justification, I know, but he always needed his family, we were all he had, yada yada.
Why did I stay? I don't know. I thought a half-a$$ father was better than none. I made sure that my sons were either with my parents or had an in-home sitter any time I wasn't home. I stood up for my children when he'd go ballistic, and thought that would protect them from the damage his anger might do. He never showed any inclination to take our sons anywhere with him, but the few times he did (IE hockey camps for our younger son), I sent my Mom along with them.
His excuses - "That's in the past", even if it occurred an hour ago; "If you'd just listen", "If you'd do what I tell you to do", "I don't have a problem, you do if you can't deal with it".
So now we're divorced. I waived child support for my youngest son so that he wouldn't take his anger out on the child. He's supposed to pay 50% of all medical and dental, but so far has refused to do so. He filed income tax returns in violation of the divorce decree, taking all of the deductions, and kept all of the refund. Now I get to go back to court to get the money for the medical and dental payments and nail him with the IRS - and I'm scared but still going to do it.
Note that the majority of the medical payments due are for our younger son's treatment in drug rehab. After the divorce, my ex started smoking pot with him, too. When I told him he had to pay, he said he couldn't afford it, like I'm supposed to keep on carrying his load.
He puts on a good show for the world, is perceived to be this great guy. Says he walked away with nothing from the divorce. Okay, then why does he have a 2005 car and 1969 Mustang all paid for; a new house with all new furnishings, appliances, kitchen gadgets and dishes; and was able to retire at the age of 52? He is a master at lies and deception - sometimes I don't know that even he realizes he's lying.
Here I am, in recovery essentially, and trying to put together not only my life but the lives of my children who were negatively impacted by their father. My feelings of guilt some days are overwhelming. After the divorce petition was filed, my oldest son got into legal trouble and is now incarcerated; my youngest son went to drug rehab; I have my 5 year old granddaughter 5 days a week; lots of IRS matters to straighten out quickly since they've been withholding 75% of my paycheck since October; an appeal in the works for my son; and my employer announced in December that they're relocating by mid-2008 to North Carolina. I've started having anxiety attacks and am on various medications to try to get me functioning at a somewhat normal level despite the stress that won't go away.
One of my friends told me that the worst is over - he's gone and now it's just picking up the pieces.
I was with a man for 22 years, married to him for 21, who had serious anger management issues. I was in denial for years that what was occurring in my home was domestic violence. In all honesty, I can say that the incidents in my life were nowhere near as violent as some I have read here. I believe that is part of why I excused his behavior, and my own failure to own up to what was happening.
He hit me on several occasions, but with an open hand. His primary physical intimidation was to get me cornered, hold me there, and yell in my face. Physical threats were given by throwing things (tables, chairs, phones, dishes), punching walls, etc. Anything that was not his personal possession was open to being broken, thrown away, sold, or given away. I tried repeatedly to get him to leave, but he would not. I even offered to buy him a house if he'd leave, but he wouldn't. The one time I tried to leave, he raped me.
I went on anti-depressants, which he would try to hide as he said they "changed me", and started counseling. Then he put his hands on our oldest son, who was 8 at the time. Threw him onto a bed and into a wall. I told my counselor about it so that she could notify Social Services - I didn't have the guts. From DSS, he got 6 months of counseling; I got a lecture and repeated threats that they were going to prosecute me for child endangerment.
For a couple of years after that, it was just temper tantrums where he'd say degrading and hurtful things. The throwing things, disposition of personal property, and verbal threats never truly stopped, but escalated when our oldest son was 14, and he began threatening my son with physical violence. I found out from my son's friend that my then husband had kicked at and punched my son in the back and shoulder. I insisted that he go to anger management counseling (at my expense). He attended for 2 years, the physical violence stopped but the verbal and emotional abuse continued.
During this time, he never targeted our younger son. When he turned about 12, the threats began against him as well. The final straw for me was when we attended my younger son's football game. My older son was in the hospital with pneumonia, so we had the care of his two daughters, 2 and 3 at the time. After the football game, the girls were tired and wanted to be carried. I had one of the babies in my arms, and my then husband refused to carry the other girl. Instead he started yanking her hard by the arm, forcing her to walk. When I tried to pull her out of his grasp, he hit me with the umbrella he was carrying. I filed for divorce a week later.
In addition to the abusive behavior, he was no prize. He refused to pay any bills - his money was his money and my money was his money. He used drugs and alcohol whenever he felt like it, and I found out shortly before filing for divorce that he'd been smoking pot and drinking with our oldest son and his friends since my son was 12 years old. He refused to do any work around the house, other than mowing the lawn which he only did after I bought the biggest and best John Deere riding lawnmower he could find. He never attended school conferences or events, took the kids to the doctor, or helped them with anything. He refused to file income tax returns unless I let him have the refund. I made more money than him, paid more in taxes as he overfiled on his W-4 forms at work so he wouldn't pay taxes on his income, so we simply didn't file.
I have heard rumors recently that he was cheating on me for years. I wish someone had told me, as I kept saying to myself "If only he'd do something that would justify my divorcing him, like cheat". Bizarre that I never thought of his behavior as a justification, I know, but he always needed his family, we were all he had, yada yada.
Why did I stay? I don't know. I thought a half-a$$ father was better than none. I made sure that my sons were either with my parents or had an in-home sitter any time I wasn't home. I stood up for my children when he'd go ballistic, and thought that would protect them from the damage his anger might do. He never showed any inclination to take our sons anywhere with him, but the few times he did (IE hockey camps for our younger son), I sent my Mom along with them.
His excuses - "That's in the past", even if it occurred an hour ago; "If you'd just listen", "If you'd do what I tell you to do", "I don't have a problem, you do if you can't deal with it".
So now we're divorced. I waived child support for my youngest son so that he wouldn't take his anger out on the child. He's supposed to pay 50% of all medical and dental, but so far has refused to do so. He filed income tax returns in violation of the divorce decree, taking all of the deductions, and kept all of the refund. Now I get to go back to court to get the money for the medical and dental payments and nail him with the IRS - and I'm scared but still going to do it.
Note that the majority of the medical payments due are for our younger son's treatment in drug rehab. After the divorce, my ex started smoking pot with him, too. When I told him he had to pay, he said he couldn't afford it, like I'm supposed to keep on carrying his load.
He puts on a good show for the world, is perceived to be this great guy. Says he walked away with nothing from the divorce. Okay, then why does he have a 2005 car and 1969 Mustang all paid for; a new house with all new furnishings, appliances, kitchen gadgets and dishes; and was able to retire at the age of 52? He is a master at lies and deception - sometimes I don't know that even he realizes he's lying.
Here I am, in recovery essentially, and trying to put together not only my life but the lives of my children who were negatively impacted by their father. My feelings of guilt some days are overwhelming. After the divorce petition was filed, my oldest son got into legal trouble and is now incarcerated; my youngest son went to drug rehab; I have my 5 year old granddaughter 5 days a week; lots of IRS matters to straighten out quickly since they've been withholding 75% of my paycheck since October; an appeal in the works for my son; and my employer announced in December that they're relocating by mid-2008 to North Carolina. I've started having anxiety attacks and am on various medications to try to get me functioning at a somewhat normal level despite the stress that won't go away.
One of my friends told me that the worst is over - he's gone and now it's just picking up the pieces.