personally I think the verbal was worse..hurt more and is harder for me to forget and get over.. I feel like I will never stop hearing him call me dumb, retarted, crazy, and a pain in the ass.. in my head... in a way it is some how easier to deal with getting hit is seems more to the point.. if that makes sense.. the put downs seem so mean and hurt to the core..

Hon, I don't think it matters which is worse, frankly. The end result is that you end up with half a soul either way. If you grew up terribly proud of your looks then words like "ugly" "skank" and such won't change the actual reaction from others to your looks, but a black eye or a big scar will change things forever.

almost 30 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. (college sweetheart), verbal abuse started, verbal abuse increased, physical started, (I was pregnant with our second child), I left. 3 years later, found out he was abusing our kids. (so). He hasn't seen them since, (his parental rights were terminated). You deserve better, build up your self esteem, I've been married to a nice man now for 20 years. He treats me and the kids well. My oldest son from the previous relationship still has many emotional scars, he's in prison. If somewhere in your head, you think that there just may be a man out there that's better for you then this guy, then you deserve to leave this guy, and find that man. I tell my girls, a man is supposed to treat a woman like Christ treats His church.... your guy is no man. A real man doesn't need to put someone down to make themself feel good. You can have a better relationship, I'm living proof positive of that!

I have been through both physical and mental and I think that the mental is worse. Don't get me wrong they are both bad. The mental abuse drains your mind and body more than what you realize. It stays with you forever and can make you feel worthless and depressed. When mine was physical abuse I felt alot different about myself than when I went through the mental. I dropped to 97 pounds, realized that I hadn't eaten in 3 weeks and stopped caring about my kids and myself. I got rid of that marriage and will never allow myself to be in that situation again.

Each is awful in its own way- the words are maybe a little more insidious because they keep ringing in your head (There are a few choice insults that still replay for me when I'm having trouble responding sexually- THAT sure helps the situation:mad:) and words are easier to try to dismiss- "Oh, you're being too sensitive" "You know I didn't mean it like that" "Why does everything have to be a big fight with you?"

But then again, no one ever went to the hospital or the morgue from being hit with hard words- and I don't know many women who have learned the oh-so- attractive-and -confident "Wince and Duck" reflex from a verbal abuser.
Like I said- each has its own special "charm"

(Pardon the sarcasm there, I'm on my first cup of coffee)

Both are equally as bad, the one difference, verbal abuse does not leave a bruise on the outside for all to see, you have the bruises on the inside. I was stuck in a horrible relationship with a man who I swear is the antichrist reborn. I have been called every name in the book. I’ve been mad at many people but could never speak to them how he did to me, and it was only me. To everyone else he was the nicest guy.

Now that I have a clear head the damage from him still lingers. I tend to more sensitive to people’s “joking”. I’m very possessive over my space. I've been on the receiving end of both, and they hurt same.

Hi, me again. I need to get a life cos it feels like strangers on the net are the only 'friends' I have. And yet I feel so lucky!!!. Anyway I know it sounds a bit (well a lot) sick but I would pray and sometimes even beg to be hit rather than have to hear the disgusting comments or revolting threats. He was such a charmer!!. here's a pet name I have never told any one- "Come Junkie" or the timeless classic "Sloppy Snatch". I'm sorry but I have not had the guts to discuss these things even in counselling and I dont mean to lay them off on you guys but you see a bit of what I mean about preferring a smack in the head?. The favorite threat had to be " I'm gonna bring all my mates round to F*** you so I can watch". I think I really did want to be hit instead. There is no pain physically any more but I still listen for noises at night in case he has found us and has sent someone to follow through for him. But that is just me I guess. How sad that our dreams and wishes for our futures ended up with "I wish he had hit me and shut his dirty mouth". The bite marks and bruises are gone but the words are with me every day. Once again I'm sorry for putting this out there but I can't make myself say the words out loud yet and maybe this is a step in the right direction???????. I need to scream. I need to make him understand but I know I never will. I want him to know and feel guilt that this is the mess he left to raise his daughters in. Boy- I just cant shut up now can I. WHAT A CHANGE A DAY MAKES!!!!!. THANK YOU AND I'M SORRY.

I have been thru both, and I must agree the words are the worst, bruises heal and we all learn how to hide them. Words tear out our hearts and shatter our self-confidence. I have been out of the relationship for 2 years (the last one) and I still hear his voice if I mess up at something or forget to pay a bill on time.I still think of myself as ugly and fat, even tho I know that I'm not. The scars that he gave me and the broken bones all healed.I will never be able to look at a man in the same light- I will always flinch if they raise their hand too fast or their voice too loud, I am always defensive and looking for when the first hit will come. I am always expecting it wether it is from my friends of 20 years or a man I just met. It's all the same to me a man now posses a threat to me, yes I'm in counsiling for it but it will take awhile for me to get over it.I hope that no woman goes thru what I went thru but I know that wqe all blame ourselves and we stay because we love them and they have beaten us down so far mentaly that we think they are the only ones that want us.

Hi Billsgirl, if we have not gone through what you went through then it was something very close to it. Thats why we are here. Mine was very careful to be sure I never needed a hospital visit but that was to protect himself not me. I was not his first Possession so he had already had a lot of practice on how to "do it right" by the time he got to me. My mother still ducks and covers and my father died 22 years ago, I don't know if that reaction ever stops but try not to blame all men cos in a way it makes us the eternal victim and gives them a power they don't deserve. My ex would love to know that I still feel that I could never trust a man to get close to me and I guess that us living a good life could be the best revenge we could ever take on the control freaks from our past because that is what they tried to take from us- the ability to feel free and sfe and happy. Good luck and keep trying Billsgirl - DONT GIVE UP- That would mean he won.

It's funny, I've never winced . . . but maybe that's because my ex-husband kicked or choked. He did kick hard, though I've since been kicked by horses - horses are worse, but they don't do it for emotional reasons, so I can forgive them!

Nim you are a rare being. Though it would be hard to get mad at a horse. I have not been around them since I was a teen and miss that a lot. Kicking and choking were not methods of control my ex used but the thought of not being able to breath is a terrifying one. I had a recurring nightmare at one stage that he was pushing and holding my head under water that I think may have been symbolic of my feeling of drowning and that was bad enough for me!!.

Personally, I have to say physical abuse ( a beating ) is worse. Sure words can tear you up and it takes times to heal from the inside but when you get that person out of your head you can move forward. A beating, I'm talking a real beating here that leaves more then bruises, that is the hardest to get past when you have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and be reminded. I know I will never be the same, I know I will never trust another like I did that maniac. :no: And my hate runs deep.....

Sokie, some of us were luckier than you, and it SUCKS that any of us had to deal with any of it, but at least we don't all have to cope with still seeing scars. What we see reflected back in our own eyes is bad enough but we are the ones who recognise it,not the whole world. Hate is hard to feel and can be exhausting, I don't think I will ever learn to live with it but maybe one day we can get past it. That is when we learn to really live again - so I am told!. I only know what bits I have read on here about your past and your pain and I can honestly say I dont know how you have coped. I love your strength and your dignity Sokie, and you are strong even if you don't think so, you are still here putting one foot in front of the other every day. For me the echo's of his voice are the thing that still make it hard to get out of the house, I dont think I would be able to handle the scars if I had them too. You are MIGHTY SOKIE.:bow:.

I volunteered for a Rape and Domestic Violence Crisis Center some years ago. One of the first things they taught us was that the verbal abuse was worse than any physical abuse because it was a wound that cut deep yet no one could see it and thus there would not be any validation that it happened by those we loved. I think that is sort of what billsgirl1 was saying too.

I volunteered for a Rape and Domestic Violence Crisis Center some years ago. One of the first things they taught us was that the verbal abuse was worse than any physical abuse because it was a wound that cut deep yet no one could see it and thus there would not be any validation that it happened by those we loved. I think that is sort of what billsgirl1 was saying too.

And I hope no one believes I meant verbal abuse as not being devastating too. Believe me, I got my share of that too. :o It has just been easier for me to believe the things he told me not to be true because I know I have never been a sl*t, I know I am not stupid (that one took sometime to see), and it has taken me awhile to see that I actually do have people that love me and want to be around me.
It's all bad and I hope any person in the situation of being talked down to or beat gets the hell away from whomever is doing it to them.

Thank you, I guess it came across wrong. In a way I hate all men now, but there are very dear friends of mine that are men that I love so I guess I am mixed up. I don't hold it against all men, I just have a hard time believing them and I just keep wondering when they will turn into monsters. I lost alot due to Mike and he was my third marriage and they were all abusive, but he was the worst. We were only married 6 months before he was in prison. Before that I had put him in jail in 2 different states.I lost my baby that I shoulda never been pregnant with and my 2 youngest girls they were 11 and 13 when my mother took them and I haven't seen them since, so I have a lot to work thru and reconcile before I start to look at men or even think about trusting them again.I am working on it and I hope that noone else has to go thru what I did before they realise that there IS a better life out there.God bless all of you and keep you safe.

Don't worry about trusting men Billsgirl, just try to learn to trust yourself. A lot of the time we end up with these losers cos we don't trust ouselves so when we find some P***K who sounds like he has the answers then we fall at their feet. You know the signs so have a little faith in you and understand that you are an adult and can make your own decisions. Its so easy to fall into their trap cos when someone is telling you what to do and who to be then the pressure of thinking for yourself is gone. Unfortunately so is everything else. Keep your chin up and Trust Yourself and see where that takes you, could you possibly do any worse than what you have endured alredy?. Worry about men when you are happy with yourself. These are my goals - I'm still learning.

Having been through both also I do not know which is the worse. This husband was the roughest mess I have ever been in and was a master of verbal assault which confused and left me exhausted. I did not even think it was abuse. My mother was verbal, and I'm bipolar and lash out with a vengence so at first it seemed normal but them it became constant and for hours and hours.. He should have worked for the Nazis or police in the interrogation dept. He could have broke the best down in mins.
I have always picked unhealthy relationships. I do not hate men and actually through all of this I have learned to love them because I have seen some very good, kind men and I see that it has been a problem in me that has caused me to pick these types of men.