Hello all! I am new to this forum. Very glad to know that there are online resources for domestic violence victims to be heard. I was recently assaulted by my "ex" boyfriend last year. We lived together for about a year and he never abused me physically prior to this incident. This was a first time offense and the result was my arm was broken and he was arrested twice. First offense was after charges were reported and second was for violating the no contact order issued. After the assault, he escorted me to the ER and was later apprehended by police after the nursing staff insisted that I press charges. He posted bail and I moved out of the apt and in with relatives. I hadn't heard from him in over a month when he surfaced with phone calls coming from his relatives saying he wanted to speak with me. As gullible and naive that I hoped I wouldn't be, I spoke to him and he apologized for what he had done. Ironically it was a month later and he did not appear remorseful after the assault nor was his family. I still have no idea what caused him to hurt me. Since our first phone call, I have had continuous contact with him on the phone and even had numerous sexual enounters with him - despite the no contact order which is in place. Although I have contacted him over the past few months I am in constant limbo as to whether to reconcile with him, press charges, or drop the charges and move on from him completely. I say this only because I feel a tremendous amount of guilt since I was adamant about him receiving jail time and somehow want to be with him now. I also fear now that I have been subpoeanaed, that I may face trouble as well if I decide on dropping the charges as well as him. I've heard conflicting arguments from family and friends who think that I should also drop the charges. My family support system is very flawed and I blame them for me being in this situation. I don't trust them or their opinions - let alone anyone else at the moment. My actions surely have contradicted my initial accusations and I know this will be brought up at the upcoming suppression hearing. His fate now lies in my hands and I dont know what to do. Thanks in advance for any advice, opinions or concerns. :confused:

First, this is not your fault. You are not responsible for his actions or the consequences of those actions. This issue is between the People of the state of NY and HIM - you are not the plaintiff - so you should feel no guilt. The charges are not yours to drop and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. His fate is not in your hands so deep breath... we need to get that weight off your shoulders right now.

This man broke your arm. He sent you to the hospital. He caused you pain. The reason that he did it doesnt matter. You deserve better. I'm sure that there is a man out there that will treat you with the respect you deserve so I'd put my efforts into finding him.

Its not uncommon in cases of DV for a woman to allow a man that hurt her back into her life. Sometimes they reconcile, sometimes they move back in. None of that goes to the actions that took place on the evening and none of that changes what broke your arm. But thats besides the point. The "case" doesnt really matter - its your safety that does. Let the DA worry about evidence and you worry about getting yourself into a good place. All you have to do is tell the truth.

You should speak to the victim advocate assigned to your case. It would probably be helpful for you to get into some counseling so you can work out why you allowed yourself to get back in with this guy that hurt you. There are a lot of resources out there that are available to you.

Now, putting my DA hat back on, regardless of anything I think its safe to say that this guy needs some help. Not cooperating with the state will not help anyone. You'll get subpoenaed and have to come down to court when you dont want to. This case should resolve with a plea - preferably one that involves counseling and some serious treatment. Thats not going to happen so long as the family thinks you are going to duck out.

Could you face charges? Maybe... that depends on the jurisdiction and what you say. Its not the general practice of most offices to lock up DV victims, though. Just tell the truth and you will have nothing to worry about from the DA. Just remember that they are there to help you, him, and any future women that may cross his path.

I'm glad that you are asking the question about whether you should stay. I think you'll find that the answer is "no." But that decision will have to be yours...

I understand this but feel like I am looking for any excuse to justify helping him or ignoring the problem. I don't necessarily want to rejoin a relationship with him. I know that this has changed my perception and trust for him. In the beginning there was the hope of remorse and reconciliation. The more thoughts that marinate and the longer the prosecution is taking, the less inclined I feel to cooperate.

I felt betrayed in the beginning and endured a ton of scrutiny from everyone including my family, the DA, and the police. I was called a liar. I was told that I instigated him to do what he did. I was sent home from multiple visits to the police station while trying to report violations of the no contact order (which took over a month to finally be sent to me). I felt defeated from the beginning.

Up until now I felt like I've had no control over the situatioin. He is able to continue earning a living, can come and go as he chooses, has his car, and funtionality of both his arms. I've lost pretty much everything and have yet to been able to restore my life back to normal. I think I am utilizing the "control" factor against him since I know that my opinion will determine the outcome of the situation. The fact that he abused me is not a lie, but the fact that I have somewhat forgave him and allowed him to set foot back into my life is what I feel ashamed of. I feel gravely sick for doing such a thing but I feel that I have hurt myself for getting knee deep in a situation which I could've avoided by simply ignoring him after the incident. I'm not sure if I am in denial of facing the situation or facing the consequences for my actions.

What you are going through is normal. No one wants to be in the situation that you are in and its terrible that you even have to be there. Just remember who is responsible for that: HIM - not you.

You have more control than you think. Call the DA, speak to the advocate, enforce the TPO. Tell them that you need to know the timeline of the case, they should be able to tell you. He only has the power over you that YOU grant him. As for your difficulties, see if there is a victim's compensation fund that can help you put your life back on track. They should pay counseling and help out with lost wages.

Its easy to try and hide under the covers and not face the monster, but hiding doesnt kill the monster and it certainly doesnt keep it away. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it. Its hard and no one can make it easy - all we can do is offer you support - but its going to be up to you.

The system is far from perfect, but the more involved you are the easier it will be for you. If you stay in phone contact with your advocate you will know about hearings and will have a personal contact to have them send paperwork faster.

Not cooperating with the case is not "helping" him - its enabling him. He needs professional help to prevent harm to others in the future. "Help" him by forcing him to get the counseling he needs.

Thanks so much! I guess I will reluctantly have to face the music come Monday....

First of all, You did NOT DESERVE TO BE ASSSAULTED.

But, your choices AFTER the fact are the major contradiction of domestic violence, and the main reason why it is difficult to treat from a clinical perspective, why it is a major problem win the court system from the perspective of prosecutors, police, juries, and judges, and why it remains such a major and pervasive problem within our culture, system, and lives.

This is what I'm hearing you say:

I understand this but feel like I am looking for any excuse to justify helping him or ignoring the problem. I don't necessarily want to rejoin a relationship with him.

The more thoughts that marinate and the longer the prosecution is taking, the less inclined I feel to cooperate.

I was sent home from multiple visits to the police station while trying to report violations of the no contact order (which took over a month to finally be sent to me).

Up until now I felt like I've had no control over the situatioin.

I think I am utilizing the "control" factor against him since I know that my opinion will determine the outcome of the situation.

The fact that he abused me is not a lie, but the fact that I have somewhat forgave him and allowed him to set foot back into my life is what I feel ashamed of.

I feel gravely sick for doing such a thing but I feel that I have hurt myself for getting knee deep in a situation which I could've avoided by simply ignoring him after the incident.

I'm not sure if I am in denial of facing the situation or facing the consequences for my actions.

imho, you are in denial of BOTH the situation and the consequences of your choices. Accountability is the first step of recovery. And accountability also helps us to establish healthy boundaries within ourselves and to establish and maintain boundaries with others.

AS YFFDA mentioned, your response is very common...."Its not uncommon in cases of DV for a woman to allow a man that hurt her back into her life."

I find it remarkable that women who've been victimized in dv incidents sound very similar to women and men with alcoholism or drug addiction. The behavior, justification, and dynamics are nearly identical. I often tell victims to attend 12-step meetings, and substitute the name of their abuser for the alchohol at AA or the drug of choice at NA. I believe that the cycle of abuse is also a type of addiction. This is one reason why your behavior is inexlicable even to yourself.

People never understand why a drug addict would continue to use drugs after overdosing, losing everything they own, and ending up in jail/prison either for illegal possession or for a crime committed under the influence or in order to feed their habit. People also never understand "why she goes back" or "why she stays" in an abusive situation. ...But do you see the connection I'm making here? You are an addict. This man is your drug. In that context, all of the pieces fit together.

Accountability. This is the first step. Take it. And take a hard look at it. Look at your self, your needs, and your behavior. No, you are not responsible for the consequences of HIS behavior, but you ARE responsibile for the consequences for your OWN CHOICES AND BEHAVIOR.

I'm glad to hear you asking the questions you're asking. You're on the right track. Get yourself some help immediately. Forget about everything else right now (not forget permanently, just put him, his behavior, the court case, your family...on the back burner for right now.) You have some work to do. The only way out is through. Denial is very dangerous, even deadly. The way to keep yourself out of denial is to take a complete "moral inventory." (this is a step in a 12 step program) 12 step meetings are free and open to the public. You do not have to be a substance abuser to attend. Why don't you go to a meeting, or buy yourself a copy of the AA big book? It's not an admission of alcoholism to buy the book or to go to the meetings, and I'm not suggesting you have drinking problems. ...But look at the dynamics from a research perspective. Take what you need for yourself, for your own recovery, and leave the rest. Find a counselor or therapist and keep asking yourself the HARD QUESTIONS. You DO have choices, and you CAN RECOVER. It's your choice. Your life. Your path.

Recovery is an exciting adventure of self-discovery and personal growth. It's a beautiful journey to health. It's a process filled with hope, help and a touch of magic. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Northstar

i see the correlation. drugs cause damage and weaken your organs / immune system. i (up until this incident) have considered myself a strong, confident, independent person with a strong head on her shoulders who knew the correct moral and ethical rules. my immune system or self esteem has been impaired by my ex (and family as well) and i keep going back for another dose until im satisfied. i know what the right answer is but i am blocking it in order to find an excuse for another dose.

i've read other threads in multiple forums on this website and thought i had a solid understanding until i came across whose victims questioned whether a first time offender with no prior history should be penalized for their actions. reading some of the responses has helped me a bit in understanding the severity of the situation. i do realize that there are people who have been wrongfully accused of DV and it wouldn't be fair to any of the other victims out there who have endured blood, sweat, and tears - to dismiss my abuser. if i choose to then another battle in this never ending war will be lost.

with that in mind im surprised that i haven't seen any posts on another topic which is sensitive to this issue - religion. i've sought help through prayer for myself and him as well. my faith has made this an even harder situation to endure and i've been seeking my bible for solace to no avail. i find my bible enables my contradicting thoughts to roam wild in my head when i question my ability to reason with words such as:

"if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. but if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins."

it seems now i must close the book and shut the drawer since this may be the exception to the rule.....or is it?!?

Northstar is right on target about the addiction thing. With my first DV relationship, I went through hell for months trying to wean myself off him. It helped to look in the mirror and see the scar where he cut my throat. Eventually it gets easier...but it takes a LOT of work. You said that you know what the right answer is but you are trying to find another excuse to get another dose...EXACTLY. You know the pain that goes along with the abuse. Taking the steps necessary to heal is foreign and scary. Listen to the people that have made that journey. There are a lot of awesome ppl on here and they will give you unbelievable support and advice.

As far as forgiveness goes, I believe that is more for you than for him. And just because a sin is forgiven does not mean that the consequences for it are dropped. When you sin, you still have to pay the piper even though you have been forgiven by God. It will give you unbelievable peace when you make it to the point of being able to forgive him. Take the journey of healing and you will find it.

The bible says as you quoted--Forgive--BUT you don't forget.
There is a time when you say-I can forgive him-But i will never forget what he did. That is why you leave. You find peace with yourself as the above people posted. I have truely forgive people who have wronged me. But i have never forgot. Will not go there again in those situation. I told my first husbands Wife about 25 yrs ago, When she made the statement to me--Well he is still drinking and chasing women--- I said I AM GLAD YOU GOT HIM AND NOT ME!! I meant that. That is coming to terms with Her and Him, Me moving own She is the reason we divorced--another women!! She left him after 20 yrs--
Only took me 1 time. When i found out I filed for Divorce--I WAS BETTER THEN THAT, I DESERVED BETTER THEN THAT!!God has a plan for us. We can't see it-until later.
I thank God i was able to Forgive him and her because it would have made me a bitter old women. I could have never moved forward in my life. You do it for you!! You will be able to find that special someone someday-There out there.

Quote:

"if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. but if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins."

And a couple more that have been said and used on me are "God has a plan" and "God never gives you more then you can handle".....
Your best bet is to keep moving forward, don't look back, don't try to be responsible for his actions, and don't be manipulated into another situation where he can hurt you again. sokie

Sweetie,

Forgiving him doesn't dissolve him needing to be held responsible and punished for what he did to you.

Keep us in the loop. :heart:

I agree with ohiogirl... You forgive someone so you can have peace within yourself...not necessarily between the two of you. He still needs to be held responsible.

I second the motion of what was said.. You do it for you. So you can have peace, Grow as a person. Yes he should be held accountable for what he did. But to have that peace and someday find out what God had in store for us, takes a long time. You see he only knows what our road map is. We just wake up one day and say--Wow, thank God the things in my life that has happen is all comimg together. It was 20 yrs after my Div before I realized--Hey I could have never grown to be the Strong, caring,happy, Loving, person i have become. If I had stayed and wallerd in my self pity I would never meet my wonderful Husband. We have to pull our self up by the boot strap. Take a stand. I count too. So do you! God made each of us to be different. He also gave me the ability too think things thru, That I am worthy of a better life. It all comes around someday. Just listen to those little voices who say, You Deserve Better. You are somebody! You CAN MAKE IT.
This is something put own this site since i have been here, i cut it out and it hangs on my Refigerator
A prayer for The abused and abusers
Who ever posted this said-This prayer has always helped me and provided me with comfort, I hope it will help you too.

To those who withhold refuge,
I cradle you in safety at the core of my Being.
To those that cause a child to cry out,
I grant you the freedom to express your own choked agony.
To those that inflict terror,
I remind you that you shine with the purity of a thousand suns.
To those who would confine, suppress, or deny,
I offer the limitless expanse of the sky.
To those who need to cut, slash, or burn,
I remind you of the invincibility of Spring.
To those who cling and grasp,
I promise more abundance than you could ever hold onto.
To those who vent their rage on small children,
I return to you your deepest innocence.
I hold you in the bosom of your original Mother.
To those who cause agony to others,
I give the gift of free flowing tears.
To those that deny another's right to be,
I remind you that the 'Angels sang in celebration of you' on the day of Your Birth,
To those who see only division and separateness,
I remind you that a part is born only by bisecting a whole.
For those who have forgotten the tender mercy of a Mother's embrace,
I send a gentle breeze to caress your brow.
To those who still feel somehow incomplete,
I offer the perfect sanctity of this very Moment.

Like I said in my first post - this issue is between NY and HIM. You are not a party. You can read and draw comfort from your bible and know that you are acting in keeping with the teachings. You can forgive, its wonderful that you can - but YOUR forgiveness doesnt cancel out the consequences of HIS action. Your forgiveness doesnt remove the prospect of future danger and certainly wont keep you safe... it emboldens him that next time you'll let him get away with it too.

This isnt about HIM - this is about YOU and what does best for YOU.

I'm no theologean but I heard a wonderful answer to that question from an advocate a few years ago. I will attempt to relay it to you but my bible is a little dusty...

When Jesus was crucified there were 2 men with him. One repented and asked forgiveness for his crimes and was given that forgiveness. Jesus promised him that he would be with HIm in heaven that day.

The key in that is that forgiveness was granted for the sin, but Jesus still allowed that man to die. Jesus allowed the state to impose the punishment according to their laws. Forgiveness is a psychic thing and makes all people feel better and move on with their lives, but it never cancels out consequences. "give to caesar what is caesars" - Please, lets not get into a death penalty debate... that wasnt offered for that purpose...

The case has been ongoing for months and I was shocked to learn that despite the fact that i received a broken bone - they are still classifying this as a class A misdemeanor. I'm not sure if this is due to the fact that he is a first time offender or not. I've been under the impression that this was a felony offense since I received "serious injuries". Either way I feel hopeless and whether I cooperate or not he will get off easy on the basis that he is well behaved, first timer, etc. I don't necessarily think that there is any lesson to be learned based on this flawed system. This is where my hopes that if the system does not help him than maybe GOD will.

The system is flawed, but some judicial attention is better than none. I also would have thought that this would be classified as a felony due to the injury. Ask them why they have it as a misd!

They wouldnt consider his history in bringing initial charges, just the facts. Its possible that the information was not relayed properly and they are not aware of your injury.

I know it seems long to you... but months is pretty short in the world of criminal proceedings. Speak with the victim advocate, they'll give you an idea of how much longer and help you get back on your feet.

I must confess that I'm more of a spiritual person than a religious one. As I mentioned, "RECOVERY" ..from abuse, is a spiritual journey. It begins with the Spirit, and it ends with the Spirit...the Spirit is the alpha and the omega of the Path of Recovery.

Here are a few ideas that I'm just going to throw into the mix here, and maybe some will take root...or not.

The MAIN REASON, at least to me, why intimate-partner abuse and domestic violence is so dangerous, isn't just because PEOPLE (women usually, but also children, elders, and MEN) end up physically harmed, maimed or murdered. To me, this form of abuse is THE SCOURGE of our culture is because of the dynamics occuring that usually precipitate the violence: the destruction or attempted destruction of THE SPIRIT.

Verbal, Emotional, and Physical Abuse are all direct assaults on the Spirit.

A main reason why DV is so devastating and destructive, even when there isn't violence, is because it begins with attempts to destroy, deny, and disembowel the Spirit.

I don't want to sound like I'm preaching to anyone, or proselytizing, but I'd like to share with you some of the BENEFITS of being a DV Victim that I've experienced.

IMHO, a person's physical body, and their mind, are the place where Our Creator lives. The main purpose of mind and body is to house THE SPIRIT. The "head" and "body" are repeatedly called "The Temple" throughout not only Christian teachings, but other religions as well.

This is a very serious point. Our main responsibility as Children of OUR CREATOR is to protect and cherish the Temple. If you consider your own responsibilities to GOD for a minute, you'll be able to prioritize those responsibilities more easily and to establish both boundaries and loyalties more effectively.

Your PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITY is to be the caretaker of your temple, of the HOUSE in which God resides.

Nearly every other biblical scripture is in reference to this truth.

But God also has given us a blueprint for taking care of our Temple. In addition to everything that has been written about love, loving your brother, loving Christ, etc., God also tells us to "put on the armor" that He's given us.

"The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light"

"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power.
Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Yherefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground.
So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all (the) flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and supplication, pray at every opportunity in the Spirit. To that end, be watchful with all perseverance and supplication for all the holy ones and also for me, that speech may be given me to open my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel for which I am an ambassador in chains, so that I may have the courage to speak as I must. this very purpose, so that you may know about us and that he may encourage your hearts."
So, now. Who wears armor?

Soldiers wear armor.

God is calling you, telling you to be a soldier.
In these times, considering the world arena, it is dangerous to talk about GOD as a general, as a commander in chief... as the leader of an army. Yet the bible is filled with stories about GOD leading his people.

Let's face it, we are surrounded by war. DV is a war. It's a war against the spirit, the flesh, and the mind. But God also tells us that "we are more than conquerors." (another military concept: to conquer)...He also tells us that He "has not given us the SPIRIT of FEAR, but of POWER, and of LOVE, and of A SOUND MIND."

YFDA is right, One doesn't have to remain in an abusive situation in order to forgive. You can forgive someone when they're thousands of miles away, or even if they've already passed on (many children and parents discover that this is true.)

One of the reasons why I always bring up 12-step programs as a potential aid in recovering from domestic violence is because both AA and NA are spiritual programs.... The concept of a "higher power" isn't limited by denominations or religions...it's basically geared to the individual path of recovery....

I said this in another thread recently, but I'd like to reiterate the point:

GOD DOES give us more than we can handle. Of course HE does. If WE could handle everything by our selves, then who would need GOD?

He wants us to NEED him. He wants us to have FAITH in him and in his promises, and in the indestructability of HIS WORD. He wants us to LET GO and to TRUST HIM.

Our first priority is to protect HIS TEMPLE so that he can work through us in all things. Taking care of his temple (our own mind and flesh) is the way that he wants us to express our LOVE for HIM. And it is the way that we show obedience to HIM. Isn't the first commandment to LOVE HIM?

Yes, our safety from abuse is mandatory in order to walk with the LORD.

I don't know about you guys, but GOD is NOT my CO-PILOT. HE'S MY PILOT. Personally, I wouldn't want to fly the plane without HIM. I'm not that good, or bright, or capable. I'm more than happy to sit here in the co-pilot's chair and to follow directions, take orders, and do whatever he tells me to do....and I ESPECIALLY DIG THE PART where he tells me to love him with all of my mind, my heart, and my Spirit...WITH ALL THAT I AM.

its still a day to day struggle. i saw him again today and i hear fairy tales about how things used to be and how they could be in the future. i know what needs to be done but cannot keep myself away from him.

i am going to end up in court testifying against him and regretting everything we've done up until this point

Darlin', you hang tough!
The thing is that abusers rarely change, and those who do have to go through some genuine loss and real consequences for their actions before they "get it"... If I had a nickle for every woman who got abused again after she accepted the apologies, bought the fairy tales and forgave him, I could fund a rescue shelter in a good sized city on just the funds that would accrue.
You need to move on for your own sake, but also, if there's any hope for HIM, you have to let go- He won't change if you just forgive and forget.

Where's Nim.....lol.....it's about her turn to put this situation into perspective for us all.....

SeekingPeace....your handle says it all...seeking peace...you can never have peace in a relationship with someone that is violent. I think there are two important things you've said:

1. He never showed any remorse, nor did any of his family members

2. I have no idea why he went off of me.

Don't you find those two things a bit scary. If you don't even have a clue about what he was angry about....then that means it will happen again when you are least expecting it. And the fact that he shows no remorse, is reprehensible. If you broke someone's arm wouldn't you feel horrible and be more than apologetic and realize you need to get some help? I hope so. If someone shows no remorse......they are likely not to have a conscience and posses no empathy for others. If those things are true, then you must face that he can do anything....there is no limits for him....because the part of him that would stop him....guilt, remorse, morals, ethics, respect, empathy are broken and he doesn't really feel those emotions. So you need to be extremely careful. And the order of protection can be enforced if you choose to. Please get into some counseling. The victim of crimes unit in your state will help you find a therapist and there are funds that will pay for one for you.....Take Care...~Cat

cat - y'all are doing just fine! I lost my internet, so I couldn't get here.

To me, the essence of forgiveness is to stop allowing your energy to flow into anger and hatred and put it back on your self. As long as the anger/fear/hatred is lodged in you, most of what you do in life will be colored by it, though you may not realize just how that is happening. And you simply have only so much psychic and physical energy for any given day. If 20 or 30 or 40% is going to those negative feelings then there's not enough left over for the good things.

That's not to say that an occasional burst doesn't come through, when you think of a food you both liked, or hear a song you loved, or whatever. But you have to learn the trick of finding where you stored that anger (it may be the pit of your stomach or your neck or eyebrows, or for that matter your left big toe) and concentrate on relaxing it, letting it go.

Meditation is a big help, for me. I can take the energy and restore it to better use. It makes me feel much better when I am not feeding time and thought into him. And it gets easier as the habit of moving that energy gets deeper.

the anger is there. it comes and goes. on a good day i can hate until i wish the worst on him. but my personality is one that is naturally forgiving. i got it from my father. he was never one to get angry at those who took advantage of his caring soul. i always chastised him about it and turned out to be the same way. my mother fought with him daily to his death - he never cheated on her nor filed for divorce. he loved her regardless. i just want the trial date to come soon and hopefully that is the day i will be furious enough to do the right thing.

Seeking......you don't have to be furious to do the right thing. Do it because you deserve to be treated with dignity and you deserve to be safe and free from harm. Do it because this man needs help and if you don't take a stand he will keep on hurting women. Do it because you know what he did was wrong and you now are strong enough to have a voice and a platform to be heard on. Finally....you will be listened to...God Bless You...He will give you the strength and courage. ~Cat

seekingpeace - can you do breathing exercises? Do them, and let them take over your entire brain and all the energy. It's a feedback loop - when you're angry your breath is high in your chest and quick. You can bring yourself back to calm by practicing slow, peaceful breathing - it helps your body think you're actually calm.

Sometimes anger or fury is a good thing because it keeps us from returning into a bad situation.
I have a hard time expressing my anger, I mean what is a 4 foot 11 inch - 85 pound woman going to do? Look for another midget to beat up? :haha: Okay, maybe I need to go back to bed and think over this anger issue.:shrug:

The case has been ongoing for months and I was shocked to learn that despite the fact that i received a broken bone - they are still classifying this as a class A misdemeanor. I'm not sure if this is due to the fact that he is a first time offender or not. I've been under the impression that this was a felony offense since I received "serious injuries". Either way I feel hopeless and whether I cooperate or not he will get off easy on the basis that he is well behaved, first timer, etc. I don't necessarily think that there is any lesson to be learned based on this flawed system. This is where my hopes that if the system does not help him than maybe GOD will.

With all due respect for all the opinions above and below, GOD will help you if you help yourself. In a way I am being sarcastic as my abuser who broke my scapula, clavical, choked me into unconciousness, tied me up and beat me and more over 2 years, never has been rehabilitated.

Did I take him to court? No, I was too scared and I was wrong not to do that. Imagine having him call you up 25 years after you've last seen him because he still thought he had power over you, and wishing you a happy birthday, yes it happened to me.

These guys, unless they are stopped by our actions at the time they happen will haunt you as did my abuser. Fortunately there was enough medical, physical and testimonial evidence for me to get a restraining order against further contact but I waited way too long and other women have been hurt by him because I didn't follow through.

Go for what you have a misdemeanor will get you a restraining order (and try for his family also) yes it's paper but if he even tries to contact you or his family does then call the police.

Please take care of you, don't worry about him - he and his family already are.