Hi...I've been lurking on the board for a few days now and wanted to introduce myself. I've read so much on this board and the insight and support here is unbelievable. It's just what I was needing.
My husband was arrested 12/29/07 for DV. He is an active alcoholic and crack addict and things have not been good for several years. He has lost jobs over his addictions, spent time in rehab that our church paid for, been kicked out of the house, etc. I had seen this coming for the last couple of months. I kicked him out in July and allowed him to come back in September. He did pretty well for a while and started to slip back into his old patterns about a month or so later. He started drinking and doing the crack again. Started spending money that we couldn't afford on it. Started going out til all hours of the night. Started raising hell with me because the house wasn't clean enough for him. I told him repeatedly that come 12/26 I would have no choice...if he raised his hand to me I would call the cops.
On 12/28 a roller coaster ride from hell started. I had laid down on the couch for a few minutes to rest. He came home from work and started moving furniture out of my office so he could lay some hardwood flooring. He got pissed because I wasn't back there helping him move furniture. I had already cleaned most of the stuff out of the room and wasn't back there with him. He came into the living room and started cussing me. (That was his favorite thing to do....pick a fight with me and then he could be justified in going out and getting high and drunk and being gone most of the night). He ended up leaving and came back a little while later. I could tell that he was on crack and told him he needed to leave. He left and came back again. I called him on his cell and he said he was going to sleep out in his workshop. I tried to get him to just go but he refused. At 5:30 the next morning he came in screaming at the top of his voice and woke me and 2 of my 3 children up. He was mad cuz he had misplaced his cell. When he finally found it we all went back to sleep. He didn't get up until 7 that evening. When he did he was friendly but I didn't want to have anything to do with him. He left for a while again and came back.
As much as I despise alcohol and can smell it a mile away it never entered my mind that he had been drinking. My oldest and youngest got into an argument over a video game. He came into the living room and started yelling at them. I told him he needed to stop screaming and told my oldest to go to her room. She got an attitude and refused to go. I walked her to her room and told him that he needed to stop yelling so much at the kids. My daughter started screaming that she hated him from her bedroom and he went to her room. I heard him spanking her and she screamed 'my back!'. He said "fuck your back! I don't give a fuck about your back". He came back to the kitchen where I was and I told him he was never to use that word with the kids ever again. He started screaming at me and came at me. He grabbed my throat and was choking me as he was knocking me to the ground. His nephew was here and came and grabbed him off me. He kept saying he was going to 'choke me out' and he would rather do 5 years from killing me than spend another week with me. I told him that was fine, just leave. Get out. Do whatever you have to do get your shit and go! He started saying he was going to take me out. I said no, you're not. He came at me again and did the same thing. This time he had his knee on my shoulder. His nephew pulled him off again. He started pacing and wound up grabbing his coat and keys and left. My oldest daughter called my brother, who called my dad. I was shaking and not sure what to do next. I knew that if I called the cops his probation would be violated. My brother called my dad and dad called me. I was on the phone with my dad when my daughter called me to the bathroom. She had a welp from the belt that ran from her armpit to her hip. I flipped out and told my dad what I saw and that I had to call 911.
The cops took forever to get here, like 20 minutes. As the cop was in my living room talking to me he asked who drove a mustang. There was a car turning around in my driveway. I told him I had no idea. Next thing I know there's a man walking up my driveway and I couldn't tell who it was cuz it was so dark. Next thing I know my dad is here. The cop's partner came and told me that all I had to do was call when he came back. They had asked for my DL....my husband had taken it along with 2 blank checks.
The cops left and the entire house was on pins and needles. It was late....after midnight and the kids were bouncing off the walls. A couple of times I thought I heard his truck and got really scared. I started cleaning (of all things) and had started the dishwasher. My daughter was on the couch and saw the headlights first. My dad grabbed his coat and ran out the door. I grabbed my cell and called 911 back.
My dad stood at the top of my front porch steps and wouldn't let him in. My husband was saying that we just had a disagreement and all he wanted to do was come inside to put his coat up. My dad told him to hand over my DL. At that time the cops pulled up. They parked in the street and ran up my driveway (I was impressed...my driveway is really steep!) and took him down on my front steps.
I haven't heard from him since he was arrested. He called me the next day but I refused the call. I called the jail trying to find out what they charged him with but they have a policy against that. If I want to find out for sure I have to go to the jail. No thanks! I opened a letter addressed to him from an attorney and it had the charges listed in there...battery under the FVA and cruelty to children.
I have been in contact with the DA's ofc and am trying to reach the Victim's Advocate in my county. I have found an attorney that will do my divorce for me so as soon as my taxes are back I'll be sending him a check. It will be hard to make it but I have been working on a plan to get out of this situation for 3 years now. It has taken a long time to get here but I know that we are going to be ok. I have faith that God is going to carry me through and won't let me down.
My kids are the ones I"m concerned about. They are 11, 5, and 4. My son (the 4 y/o) idolizes his daddy. He told me last night that he wanted me to call the police and just tell them that daddy is sorry and he won't do it again. What the hell? Why does my son know the words already? My 5 y/o is daddy's little girl and she cries for him every night. My 11 y/o is not his daughter but she has considered him to be her daddy for 6 years now. She understands a lot more than I like but she knows this is for the best. I will be getting them into counseling and we are going back to church on a regular basis like we were doing.
Anyway, there's lots more I could write but this is really long. I was in a DV situation w/ my 11 y/o's sperm donor. I think I'll just become a nun this time or something. Apparently I suck at picking men!

Thank God you acted so decisively!
What you describe is enough of a nightmare but had you waffled, could have been so much worse... you have my empathy and my applause.

Hi,
I'm new to this site. I'm so sorry your going thru this. I will keep your family in my prayers. I've gone thru it too so I know how you're feeling now. Please take care of yourself.

Thank God for you. Your kids didn't ask for this.. You say your kids idolize him...No they don't, Not really.... Children want to be loved they know they are suppose to love him.. I haven't met a teenager yet or an adult that that will tell you they love their Dad and what he did to them and their Mother. You will see when this is all done..You will have Happy and healthy children that turn into productive adults... It is on you now to do the right thing for these children and yourself... You are too good for anyone to EVER treat you this way.

xoxox Leslie

You did the right thing for yourself and your children. Keep up the good work!

confused, hooray for you and God bless you and those children. You have made the wisest choice. If allowed to go on you know for yourself it could and probably would have gotten much worse. For a grown man to hurt and harm a woman is bad enough in itself; but when they turn on children that is totally unexcusable. My heart goes out to you all. Thank God you have the courage and good sense to get out of it. I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

Thank you so much for your support. It really means a lot to me...I've been on autopilot for 10 days now and your words of encouragement have really lifted me up. I work about 45 hours a week and have so much other stuff going on right now that I'm completely exhausted. That's a good thing too, though. It doesn't give me a whole lot of time to sit and think.
His mother called me yesterday wanting to know if I had heard from him. I told her that if he contacted me he would be in worse trouble than he already is. Her comment was that she 'knew he is just so depressed right now.' I almost lost it! I told her that I didn't have time to worry about that, that I was going to start working on the weekends to make sure that his children had food on their plate. She's been with his dad for 40something years now and put up with a lot more than I can even dream of. I think in a way she resents me for having the strength to get out. Oh well. I refuse to raise my son to grow up and become his father and grandfather. She said that she's worried that he won't have any money on the books. I told her I know the feeling. She ended up calling me back and told me that his bond is a $3500 property bond and that someone would have to put their home up for him. I told her good luck finding someone willing to do that. I think I'll let her calls go straight to voicemail for a while.
I know I'm rambling but I appreciate ya'lls support and input. It really helps to communicate with people that have been there, done that. My family is very supportive but haven't really been in this situation. Any suggestions would be warmly welcomed. Take care :)

Oh, YES, let the calls roll to voicemail- You have quite enough on your plate without that!

First of all, get a restraining order - on him and his entire family. Then you can have a little breathing room without the yammering of an entire group of abusive enablers. Go to the domestic abuse agency and start counseling.
Understand that your kids are not deeply loving of him. He's an addict, so they are doing their best to stay on his good side, to please him, to keep his anger away from them. They are entirely accustomed to living in his chaos and are pretty much worrying about the general instability and your reactions, which are have also shown them how to deflect his behavior. They will be much happier once things stabilize and once your attention is back on them and away from coping with insanity, so don't worry about what they like, love or think. Just be a normal adult and let them adjust to that. Worry about being a nun later!

Congratulations on getting out. It's not the easiest thing to do, even when they're being destructive and violent.

She's coming pretty close to violating the bond he hasnt even made yet by calling you to discuss these things. I cant believe that he was granted a bond, let alone such a low bond considering his history and the charges (and the county he's in!). Maybe she got the number wrong...

Let all your calls go to voicemail, you can return the ones that you want. Dont let her get to you. You are doing the right thing for you and your children and if you ever doubt that think of the welt on your baby's back.

Incidentally, I will assume, though I should not, that the police took pics of your daughter's back? If not and if there is any sign of the welt left, take a pic yourself!

If you've been making plans for 3 years, you're 'way ahead of most people in this situation - Congratulations!! Just follow them and keep going forward. Never, ever look back and think what might have been.

YourFriendlyDA...I was surprised that they had given bond as well. The last 3 (I think...I've lost count of how many times he's been arrested for which type of charge) times he was arrested for this his bond was between $300 and $600. Luckily his famly doesn't have the kind of resources needed to bond him out. I explained to her that I was positive that they would let someone come put their house up and even let him think that he was getting out but that Cobb would have a hold on him for the probation violation. I haven't really been given much info on what is going on with the charges. The only way I found out it was battery under the FVA and cruelty to children was by opening an advertisement from an attorney. And I never called the jail to find out the bond cuz I just don't want to know. Sounds insane but the last times I took him back I said I wasn't going to and I ended up arranging his bond for him. I don't want to do that again so I may be going to the extreme but it's the only way I can do it right now. I have fielded a few comments from co-workers saying that I was going to end up back with him and I told them that that was exactly what I didn't need to hear right now and that I was doing it this time. I know where their skepticism is coming from...I've taken him back time after time after time. But that's ok...I'll show 'em the divorce papers when I get it!
Nimuay...I wish I had thought of that. When I told the cop about it, he said that it was corporal punishment and wouldn't be considered abuse. But the image of her standing there with her shirt pulled up and that thing on her is burned in my mind forever. There is a Temp Protective Order that is automatic with the arrest and I am trying to get in touch with the Victim's
Advocate to get a Family Violence Protective Order. The attorney I am hiring says that he can do it but it's going to cost me money, while doing it through the advocate is free. If I have to go the route of paying him to do it I will, but I'm trying to save as much as I possibly can. I will be able to cover the bills and necessary things but beyond that there's not much left.

Congratulations on getting out!

About the kids. Yes they will probably always be attached to him and with him being their biological father might spend the rest of their lives seeking acceptance from him.... trying to fix the rejection they feel from him.

Right now, what they are really expressing is that they feel guilty and that they think that somehow all this is their fault (the crying and missing him). They probably think it's their fault that he's so loud, violent, on drugs/alcohol and that they bring these things out in him. They also think it's their fault that he left. Explain to them that none of this is their fault. And repeat as often as the subject comes up. And get them and yourself help as soon as you can. Working your ass off isn't going to fix anything you all are going through. I understand that you need to keep the household together but maybe you can ask your parents to help you do this... help you get them into councelling, maybe drive them there when you're working etc. They seem to be supportive. Don't try to be superwoman... it will bite you in the butt. You are hurt and you need help holding things together.

My daughter saw my ex being violent with me too. He was drunk, screaming and had broken everything breakable in reach (except for his own things... just shows that he didn't "lose" it as he wanted me to think).

It has taken her a long time to come to terms with this (she's 8 now)... and she still remembers the whole thing. This was one of her first childhood memories (she was 3 at the time). I have sub-zero hatred towards him for that... more than I'm willing to express on this forum. He isn't her biological dad but she got attached to him rather quickly. Me and my girl have come a long way with this... and it takes a long time to de-program kids from something like this. The healing process for her was pretty rough... she became very difficult, had mood swings, was borderline hyperactive (still is) but finally it got stable again with the good help of her kindergarten psychologist. Stable and very riveted routine was the key for her. Every little daily thing was done at exactly the same time every day for a long time... taking baths, going to bed, eating etc. That is underestimated when it comes to soothing and calming kids. They like routine, whether they are hurting or not.

In the end, if things are dealt with properly your kids will understand everything and respect/love/admire you for sticking up for yourself AND them and for calling it quits with the abuser. You may hear some accusations from them in this process... just remember that they are yelling at you what they feel is THEIR fault. Don't let it get to you, just hug them and tell them you love them and it's not their fault.

Please get help for all of you as soon as you can.

Confused, you're a strong lady, you've proven that already. Good for you to stand your ground. I'm really impressed by your dad's actions as well. He was there in a shot, when you needed him, so it sounds as though you have a very good support system, even though this is foreign to them. Be strong for yourself and your little ones, you are keeping it together really well so far!
Wendy

Confused, Sweetheart- there is nothing at all "extreme" about taking no role at all in bonding him out! He left a welt on your child! You're not supposed to to bail him out! You're doing the right thing!
As for your co-workers, brava to you for telling them you don't need to hear that sort of comment!

Confused, you are doing fine. Your co-workers can just go kick rocks - they're not the ones with an injured child. You've got your head pointed in the right direction. And if you should waver, just come here and we'll boost your resolve!

I just wanted tell you that I believe you to be an awsome mother to be putting your children before the man. I see it a lot in counseling where the mother says one thing but then almost kills herself to get to the end of the block so 'her man' can pick her up from the shelter. It sounds like you have your head straight.:rock:

Georgia allows corporal punishment BUT the general rule is that you may never leave a mark. Fulton county prosecuted a case a few years ago with this crazy minister - arthur allen - that was having children beated in front of others. He was convicted. Whether the injuries your child suffered would be a felony would be up to the DA, but it sounds like it would be a misd battery at the least.

Getting a TPO is really easy. I wouldnt waste money getting an attorney to do it. Just go down to the courthouse and ask for the paperwork. The major counties have offices in the courthouses that specialize in that type of thing but the advocate can point you in the right direction. You should be protected by his bond order as well.

If you get a chance make sure you give cobb county probation a ring. Tell them you're interested in testifying at a revocation hearing. They need to take the balance.

If there is ANYTHING visible take a picture of injuries, both your and hers. Try and get a digital picture so you can email them to the DA and PO if needed!

ok...I'm figuring this reply thing out so bare with me.

Thanks for all ya'lls support. It's been a rough day and it helps a lot...more than I thought it would. I went to start on my dad's tax stuff this afternoon and ended up just dropping off a copy of the divorce packet at his house. I came home and took a nap...I was exhausted! I found out that my future ex Mother-in-law is trying to get him out. I gotta hurry up and finish those papers...keep ur fingers crossed that my tax refund gets there when they said it would. I received my copy of the bond hearing he went to on the 31st. They have put a protective order on him, and also put on there that the provisions would not be dropped prior to trial. I went before the Magistrate a few months ago and had the provisions from the last bond dropped. I'm glad they did that. I'm thinking he probably won't be able to get out...but wanna have my ducks in a row just in case he does. And I'm a little frightened by it. But I have faith that God will take care of my kids and me.

YFDA...Is it too late for that? This happened two weeks ago and there are no more marks. I have some pics of the bruise I had but the belt mark had faded by the time I got my brains together and took the pictures. Also, should I call cobb probation or his probation officer? He transferred up here to report here. And don't they have to let me know if they are letting him go? I'm hoping his sister can talk their mother out of doing it...the mother wants to borrow money from her to do it but she is completely against getting him out. So the chances are slim but I know how my luck goes sometimes.

If there is anything visible then its not too late. Even if they are faded it can be explained in court that the pics were taken late. Any evidence is better than no evidence. Keeps the pics you have in a safe place (if its digital email it to yourself so that if something happens to your computer they are on a system somewhere and can be recovered.

Call whoever he is reporting to but let cobb know. They sentenced him so they should have the ability to revoke him.

Give the advocate a call on monday and see if they can push the indictment through faster. If they can add additional charges they may be able to get the grand jury to issue a no bond warrant on the additional charges so he wouldnt get out with the bond he has even if she comes up with the money. They should inform you, but in reality they dont... its usually a prison issue for notification and you have to register with a phone number etc or else they dont know who to call.

confused, you should change your name, because there is nothing confusing about you. i applaud you for having the sense to get yourself and your children out of this situation before it is too late. you are a strong woman. a survivor. keep doing what is best for you and your children. continue to stay strong and prayerful. god will see you through this.

Dear confused, maybe now that you have put him behind you and your family sees this they will come around. I will keep you in my prayers.