I'll try to make this as short as possible. I've been on prisontalk for a while, but always supporting my BF. He has been locked up for domestic violence and violating his probation and then parole. We have lived together for 2 years. Last night was our anniversary. He hurt me for the first time. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure he is going to be violated and sent back to prison. My friend was there and called the police. She watched him drag me down the stairs by my hair and slam my face into the tile floor. I told the police that he was just trying to help me up after I fell. He wasn't home when they came. I am in such a horrible place inside.... I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. He can hardly look at me. He is not supposed to drink and we went out for New Years. I know that he is horrified by what he did. But I also know that my head is telling me that this will only get worse. God! This hurts so bad and I have no one to talk to. Somebody please tell me everything is going to be OK.

You deserve to be treated better than that. There is never an excuse for a man (or anyone) to hurt you. It may be tough for a while, but this may give you the chance to break away and start a life for yourself, free from someone that hurts you. Its not your fault that he got arrested, drank and violated his conditions, or hurt you - those were HIS decisions. Standing up against those actions, while they may take him from you, will help you in the long-run. Its not your job to lie to protect him and dont let him make you feel guilty for telling the truth. Your "head" is usually right, keep yourself safe.

He hasn't asked me to lie. He knows he was wrong and he knows it's his fault. But he is a second striker and I refuse to be his 3rd felony. I don't know if I can ever feel whole without him but I know my kids need me to make the right decision. They love him very much but I know this is a bad situation. I keep thinking maybe he'll get help and come back to me healthy. I don't know how to be this person....

Tamitha, I have never been the victim of physical abuse. I have lived long eanough to know and know of people who have. It is easy to sit on the outside and tell you what you need to do. DV can be very insidious. There's the 1st time he hit you. He's shocked and promises to never do it again, then life gets out of control, he drinks to much and it happens again, and the incidents get closer and escalate in severity.

I worked with a lady who quit wearing her false teeth. He husband kept knocking them out so she gave up. Every time he apologized and she went back to him. She was 9 months pregnant, ready to go on maternity leave when he hit her again. She was taken to the emergency room, released and that evening she started bleeding so bad she almost died. They were able to save her, but she lost so much blood that the baby died. Her choices were much more limited in those days with help to get away.

Your guy may be a really nice guy, caught up with some bad coping skills. A time out could be what he needs to save him as well as yourself, but either way the cycle needs broken before it is out of hand.

Is it even possible for him to get better??? I can't picture any kind of happiness without him. I have 4 children who really need me and I know I have to be OK....but this is brutal. We are so in love. I told him once that I knew it wouldn't last because nothing has ever worked for either of us. But he said it was our turn to be happy. I honestly don't think I can ever be happy without him. I'll fake it for my kids, but nothing in my whole life has ever hurt like this.

Tamitha - "WE" are not in love - you are, but not him. You don't do that to someone you love.

No, it probably won't get better. You're talking about a guy who doesn't think the rules are about him, and though you may love him very much, he's not going to get better about following them. One of those rules is to cherish those who mean something to you - clearly he doesn't. I've been drunk off my ass once or twice, and it didn't make me beat someone. Besides, he may be horrified at being caught for it, but I wouldn't bet that he's really horrified at his reasons for doing it. Please, go to a domestic abuse counselor, learn about the problem, take your life back. Your kids will thank you for it!

And I want to add that those who abuse are very, very clever about making us love them. They are pathological and it makes them extremely good at seeing how best to set that hook. They tell us how marvelous we are, how special, how wonderful we make them feel. They do all sorts of good deeds, from cooking special meals to remodeling the house. Then the shitstorm starts.

You will love again, but it will be much safer, and better for you, and it won't have that toxic element (even though that very toxicity is like a drug for us, a real high). I promise you, you will do better, feel better, think better once this is all behind you.


And do go to court to testify against him. You would if it were a stranger, but a stranger wouldn't even treat you that way.

I'm sorry I keep posting but I'm trying to survive the day.I don't know that I'll ever be able to breathe without him. I know I'll never testify against him. Is it possible that he ever did love me? He's sitting at home right now waiting for his PO to receive the police report and come get him. I really believed he loved me or at least that he believed he did. Does that make sense? I can't believe this is happening....he was my happily ever after......

He doubtless did/does love you as much as he's able.
Abusers are broken and YOU can't fix them.
I might hold out some hope if he'd had no previous history of violence, but with the prior DV conviction(s) and subsequent violations, this guy needs more than just the love of a good woman.
I don't care how horrified he is by what he did this time because it's so common for abusers to be incredibly contrite after each incident, and this guy has been here before... he did not learn that the way to avoid being horrified by his own actions is to not be violent towards his partner.

And Prince Charming does not cause "Happily ever after" to involve bruises.

Can someone please tell me how to not beg him to stay!!! Can someone tell me how not to love him so much that I would rather go to sleep and never wake up than live without him. I want to be happy. I was never happy until him, everyone saw that, even my Dad who loves him. God, I don't know how to tell him.... He has become family to my family. I want to be happy for my kids. But right now I can't even eat.

Every time you think you would rather die than live without him, consider that it's possible. Every time you breathe, remember how much harder that is when your ribs are broken or your nose is splattered across your face. Or read one of the posts earlier today about a woman who just got away, and all she suffered was a broken eye socket and a few other things. That is your predicted future.

One thing speaks loud and clear - you do not own your own life right now. If you were never happy, and if you're ready to hand yourself back over to an abuser, then you have no real life of your own. You own no happiness for yourself. That is something you can fix.

Your family will not love someone who chooses (oh, yes he chose) to break your body.

Tomorrow morning get up and fix whatever needs to be done for the kids. Then make up your mind to put something valuable into your life today. Go help out at an animal shelter. Visit someone at the hospital. work at a community center. Do something, anything. You will find that your presence is a gift to such places, and it will lift you up.

If you keep having trouble tonight, I will stay up with you. Just PM me.

Ditto.....to Nimuay.. You say you can't live without him... The way this is going..... you won't be alive to be with him.
I see you have children... Your Kids did not ask for this!You need to think more of yourself and more for these kids.
This is a very unhealthy realationship. What if? You had a daughter and she called and said her BF or husband did this to her.... You would be angry, outraged and wanna kill the man....
Why do you feel you deserve to be treated like this?
Someone that loves you..DOESN'T DO THIS TO YOU!
Please move on for your life and your childrens.
JMO, Kids know what is going on... No man would ever hit me and darken my door again.

Good Luck

I'm sorry I keep posting but I'm trying to survive the day.I don't know that I'll ever be able to breathe without him. I know I'll never testify against him. .

Sweety, WITH him, you may end up in a box 6 feet under. If he did this to one of your children, would you testify against him? He obviously didn't learn his lesson the first time. No one deserves to have their head smashed into a tile floor. You deserve so much better than that. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not call him and beg him to stay! You need to get rid of him, for yourself and for your children.

That friend who cared enough to call the police?
What would you say to her if YOU watched HER get dragged by her hair and her head slammed into a tile floor?
What would you say to your sister if she was in your position?
What if your daughter comes to you someday with bruises and her arm in a sling?

What if you visit your adult son and learn that he hits his partner?

Children raised in an environment where there is abuse are significantly more likely to abuse or to be abused than children who don't live with such examples.

Please, please, please don't contact him, don't lie to protect him from his own actions. Stay here with us online or call the local women's shelter or crisis center, but do not let him have five more minutes of your precious life.

Make an Escape Plan: Before You Leave (http://www2.oprah.com/tows/slide/200705/20070523/slide_20070523_284_111.jhtml?promocode=HP13)
On her show today

I can tell you from my experience that the beatings and being talked to like a dog only got worse with time. I have learned in therapy that the odds of my abuser getting better aren't in his favor. They tell me if I don't go back, if I don't give in, that eventually he will find another to take my place and continue to abuse. Good luck to you. ((hugs)) sokie

Hello everyone and thank you so much for everything. I am doing better. Still unsure of what comes next. My BF never left. We have talked a little and I told him that if anything was going to work out we needed to not push this under the carpet. I know that everyone thinks I'm crazy but I do love him and I do believe he loves me. I just hope that he is man enough to face what he can become when he drinks. He is not a habitual drinker. I don't think that quitting drinking is going to be a problem. The problem is that he has so many things from his childhood that haunt him. He needs to start some serious counseling. I don't know how much I can tell you all what your words mean to me. I feel very lost and confused. And for those of you, (especially you Sokie, I just read a lot of your posts) that have gone through such horrible experiences, Thank you so much for sharing and helping me feel not so alone.

By the way, I check this post constantly for inspiration. Thank you for being there.

I'm happy that you're feeling better, but are you really willing to risk your life and the welfare of your children, present and future, on the huge gamble you're talking about taking?
Drinking is NOT the cause of his abusiveness.
To not drink would be a very good idea, but it is not a complete solution.
While HE gets counseling, I am begging you NOT to live with him and to get counseling for yourself... please.

Tamitha,
I will chat with you anytime that I am home ;) even if it is just to listen.
I use to blame my beatings on my guys drinking so when the beatings continued when he wasn't drinking I tried to find other reason...reason's like I pushed him over the edge with my bitching, not letting him know he was a good man for bringing home the $$$'s, I didn't have his food ready in time, the kitchen floor could have been cleaner, I should have washed the trash can...the reason's became even more stupid for my black eyes, bruises and cuts. :slap:
Try to take care of yourself and be safe. :) sokie

Tamitha, when you start to talk about childhood horrors, you are sometimes talking about incurable deficits. Be careful!!! Read all you can find, look into personality disorders, be on guard!

I am doing better. Still unsure of what comes next. My BF never left. We have talked a little and I told him that if anything was going to work out we needed to not push this under the carpet. I know that everyone thinks I'm crazy but I do love him and I do believe he loves me. I just hope that he is man enough to face what he can become when he drinks. He is not a habitual drinker. I don't think that quitting drinking is going to be a problem. The problem is that he has so many things from his childhood that haunt him. He needs to start some serious counseling. I don't know how much I can tell you all what your words mean to me. I feel very lost and confused. And for those of you, (especially you Sokie, I just read a lot of your posts) that have gone through such horrible experiences, Thank you so much for sharing and helping me feel not so alone.

Tamitha, this the MANTRA of EVERY battered women.

YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN WE ARE.....THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT WE HAVE LIVED THROUGH OUR ABUSE TO BECOME SURVIVORS

You may not be so lucky.

I will tell you what will happen next:

Your abuser has a pathology of violence, a history of abuse. This is not the END, it is the beginning.

Soon, you will find yourself flinching every time he moves unexpectedly, especially if he is angry, frustrated, verbally abusive, or argumentative. Your flinching will make him angrier, because after all, it's not his fault. At some point, he will strike out at you again. Maybe before he assaults you physically, he will strike out at you verbally, or twist you up emotionally. ...eventually he will render you powerless.

You said that he "makes you whole." This is NOT true. You make yourself whole...the belief that you cannot live without him is an illusion. This illusion is the beginning of the end of "YOU." And you will lose your self during the process of this relationship unless you address your own needs first. You are using him to fill an emptiness within you that cannot be filled by anyone else but your "authentic" self..the place inside your heart where your deepest self-respect and sense of self resides. He is NOT your strength, YOU ARE.

You need to find a "guide" to recover what you've lost. This may be a counselor, a pastor, a survivor, a therapist, a friend....

RECOVERY is a spiritual process...maybe you might think of it as a "spirit guide," if the idea of counseling of therapy frightens you. Some people find their way back to their "authentic self" or the act of recovering their self through a 12 step program. Maybe you CAN do this yourself, and become your own counselor. There's a plethora of information to help you, if you choose to use it...books, books, books!

The thing is ...There's no set route for you--everyone walks their own path. But if you look, you'll see that the footsteps of others who have walked this walk before you are already there.

"I just hope that he is man enough to face what he can become when he drinks. He is not a habitual drinker. I don't think that quitting drinking is going to be a problem. The problem is that he has so many things from his childhood that haunt him."

Alcoholism is not simply being a habitual drinker. Some alcoholics go weeks or months without drinking, yet they still have the disease. Other alcoholics stop drinking, and never touch another drop for the rest of their lives, yet their behavior doesn't change, and they're still alcoholics. AA calls these people "dry drunks." I really hope that you learn more about what alchohlism is, how it affects loved ones, and how to prevent yourself from becoming as sick as the alcoholic, because that's what happens, regardless of whether or not you ever take a drink (they call alchohlism a family disease for a good reason)...childhood issues and abuse are usually part and parcel of alchohlism and domestic violence. They are not going to go away, and as long as those issues remain unaddressed, you are at risk...in fact, when I think about your head getting slammed into tile on your anniversary, I gotta tell you that you are in grave danger as long as you remain in this relationship without addressing your own feelings, needs and behavior, and as long as your abuser's needs remain unaddressed.

I'm not going to preach or lecture you, only to tell you that you are in some serious denial. It sounds harsh, but I'm telling this to you because I care. No, I don't think you're crazy, because I'm just betting that everyone who has responded to your OP has been in your shoes already....this is the reality of domestic violence. Your situation is only different in degrees, according to what you look like, your personality, your circumstances. But it's the SAME process, give or take a shade of gray.

You said that you don't want to be his "third felony." But here's the question that I'm gonna get right in your face with:

"DO YOU WANT TO BE HIS FIRST MURDER VICTIM?"

You won't agree with me, I know. But just to prove me wrong, why don't you clip out the 800 number of the national domestic abuse hotline, or your local family violence project. Put it in a safe place and let it rot there. Just to prove me wrong. But if you ever need it you'll have it. I won't gloat and say "I told you so." But I will get down on my knees and thank God that you've survived.

In Hope, Northstar

I know it's huge and he has kept it in a long time. But he is still young (he's 27, i'm 38). He had started really getting into learning about himself in counseling when he was on probation. But that ended when he switched to parole. The only thing they require is his DV classes which are almost complete and sobriety, which other than the very few instances he's been sober. When I say he is young I mean there is still hope in my opinion for him to seek and find the help he needs and deep down wants but doesn't know how to ask for. The only time he was ever physical before was about a year ago, he was drunk and pushed me down in the living room. This recent episode is the onlytime he has ever scared me. I too hope it ends and I pray we make it through. I'm trying to do the right things, but to tell you the truth, my heart will not let me let go.

I can see from your writing that you will stand beside him until you cannot take it anymore. I'd say most of us responding to you have already been there and done it so I will not lecture or try to make you feel bad. Just know that you have found a support site and we will always be here for you. sokie

Thank you so so much! I so badly need this. All of you are so much of what I need right now. I pray that he gets better or I fall out of love....sooner than later. He came home from work the other morning around 4am. He laid next to me and faced me for the first time since it happened. We slept with our faces together, with our lips just barely touching. I felt so at peace. I know you've all been there, but there has got to be at least a few happy endings??? I see a counselor now for PTSD. A lot in my life went crazy when I found out my husband (now ex) was molesting my daughter. Now, I'm afraid to tell her (my counselor) Monday what happened on new years. I used to feel like I could conquer the world, now sometimes I feel like the world is conquering me. I am however, a very positive person but it is hard to see the glass half full.....

When I say he is young I mean there is still hope in my opinion for him to seek and find the help he needs and deep down wants but doesn't know how to ask for. The only time he was ever physical before was about a year ago, he was drunk and pushed me down in the living room. This recent episode is the onlytime he has ever scared me. I too hope it ends and I pray we make it through. I'm trying to do the right things, but to tell you the truth, my heart will not let me let go.

He's young enough to have two prior domestic violence felonies. This is an excuse. ...But we survivors already KNOW all about excuses that we make for our abusers, don't we, ladies?

"The only time he was ever physical before" is also an excuse. And it's completely untrue. In fact, he was "PHYSICAL" before, physical enough to have not one but two domestic assault felonies. ....His track record doesn't begin with you. He "pushed you down in the living room" as part of a longstanding pattern of behavior.....I wonder whether his previous partners thought that he would change, too? Do you wonder if they thought that they or their "love" could change him, too?

Hon, it's not your "heart" that won't let him go. Your HEART is what brought you here, to post this thread. Your HEART is trying to save your life. Your HEART is trying to find the "you" that got lost.

It's not your heart, that won't let him go, it's that gnawing emptiness inside you that clings to him...the "you" your heart knows so intimately and loves so deeply...is already gone.

Don't give up on that "YOU"...it's the only thing you have. You just have to recover what you've lost. You're looking in the wrong place: he doesn't have that "you".... he has the needy, lonely, desperate emptiness where YOU USED TO BE...

Listen, Tamitha, I don't want to drive you away, or to have you quit your own thread here. This is tough love all the way baby. I'm not gonna give up on you. I'm gonna be right here in your face. You'll start to hate me probably. But I'm holding you close now, and my hand is outstretched to lift you up from that brutal desolation burning a hole inside you...

The only way out is "through"....Ya gotta walk through this burning fire, 'cuz when ya get right down to it, YOU are the only one who can save you. If you live through this and find your way OUT, you'll be stronger, better, and more beautiful. You'll be a warrior woman, just like the rest of us here...If you don't make it...we'll say our prayers for your eternal spirit, light a candle for you, and place yet another white cross on the piles of victims' bodies in the boneyard where all of our dead sisters (and brothers and parents and children) are buried. We couldn't save them, we can't save you. WE only offer our experience, strength and hope to you because we want so very much for you to live.

:shrug: If you ever come across someone with a happy ending please bring the post to my attention....
I'd probably say what you felt the other nite was the 'honeymoon' part of your situation. They tell me that it's a cycle and looking back I remember it too. But somehow I don't remember a dozen roses fixing my busted lips or my bruised knees from being shoved to the ground. I remember mostly ducking if he moved too fast and trying to keep the house calm so I didn't have to recieve anymore gifts or lay in the bed with him. I mostly prayed that he would drink or drug himself into being passed out so I could rest. Somehow it quit being romantic to me when he tried to tell me he was sorry.

Thank you so so much! I so badly need this. All of you are so much of what I need right now. I pray that he gets better or I fall out of love....sooner than later. He came home from work the other morning around 4am. He laid next to me and faced me for the first time since it happened. We slept with our faces together, with our lips just barely touching. I felt so at peace. I know you've all been there, but there has got to be at least a few happy endings??? I see a counselor now for PTSD. A lot in my life went crazy when I found out my husband (now ex) was molesting my daughter. Now, I'm afraid to tell her (my counselor) Monday what happened on new years. I used to feel like I could conquer the world, now sometimes I feel like the world is conquering me. I am however, a very positive person but it is hard to see the glass half full.....

Sokie took the words right out of my mouth...the other night was the honeymoon phase.... It won't last.

You are in the eye of the storm right now, where it's calm. It may not be tonight, or this week, or this month, or this year, but the storm has not passed yet, and it will not pass until 1) He gets help and learns how to manage his anger 2) you leave or 3) you end up in the morgue as another statistic.

In my state, 53% of ALL homicides are domestic violence related. I could almost guarantee you that those victims thought "he'd change," "it wouldn't happen to them," or that "love" would stop him....In fact, right now as I write this to you, Tamitha, I hear the voices of all of those murdered women crying out to me to warn you, to help you, to throw you a lifeline. The glass is NOT HALF FULL, IT'S EMPTY....The water has spilled out over the edges and you're drowning in it.

My question to you is this:
"Why did you post your first post here with us instead of CALLING your counselor?"

This is serious business, and I want you to sit down and get real with your self. No excuses. No blinders. No bullshit. Just the raw truth. Are you a religious or spiritual person? If so, pray with all your heart for the truth to be revealed to you. If not, and you're an athiest, look to logic and scientific evidence to guide you: the statistics don't lie, and logic doesn't make excuses. Do you have kids (I can't remember)? If you do, why are you putting their needs before him, or you, or anything? Their lives depend on you. All of the demons inside your abuser that have haunted him since HIS childhood will infect them, and when they grow up they'll do to others what is being done to you, or they'll end up being done like you: THAT is the nature of this beast. (Even kids that grow up thinkin' they'll never be like that, end up being like "that") Your kids need you to make the right decision, to choose the course of action that will protect them and keep them safe....

The only "happy endings" I've ever heard about are the ones where the women leave and recover their selves and learn to love themselves all the way....

As for the rest of the stories....their children put flowers on their graves....

I'm sorry I keep posting but I'm trying to survive the day.I don't know that I'll ever be able to breathe without him. I know I'll never testify against him. Is it possible that he ever did love me? He's sitting at home right now waiting for his PO to receive the police report and come get him. I really believed he loved me or at least that he believed he did. Does that make sense? I can't believe this is happening....he was my happily ever after......
Let me tell you my story because it wiil some day be your own.
I come from a family of 9 kids and my dad was an abuser even using his cane as he got older on my mom
Life was really bad always hiding from my dad and he always felt bad about what he did to us but he would turn around and do it again my poor mom couldnt even look at him without getting hit because he didnt like the way she looked at him it was always someone eles fault.
As we kids grew up none of were happy we all got into drugs and anything eles you can think of.
I married a man that beat me and as may children grew up they couldnt understand that i stayed with him because of love and often wondered if i loved them less by putting them thur all the hell they had to seen
Now that they are grown my oldest child a girl suffers from alot of mental problems i have a son going thur a divorce and a son that just got out of federal prison and they say it all goes back to their childhood and wish things could have been diffrent for them .
So please leave it alone and i know its hard to do it but you have to think of the kids
And i can see you are blinded by love right now and by all accounts will take him back love is a powerful thing BUT as time goes by and he starts to slip back into his ole ways i hope you find it in yourself to move on and find goodness in your life for yourself and the kids
GOOD LUCK

Tamitha;

I am on this board and have been for years, as a family member of mine,
who was loved by his wife,
who was not mean,
who "made bad choices",
who his wife loved beyond words,
whose wife could not live without him,
whose wife was desperate to make him change,
finally killed her.

He is serving life for her murder.

She would not listen either.

It only hurts them the first time, it hurts you every time.

This is my family member and I love him, but I have never made excuses for what he did and never will.

You need counseling to love yourself and your kids and make them number 1.

LEAVE.

Special good luck.

I started a thread on this board asking about why victims sign waivers. I found out today that one of them has been killed.

Please dont become another statistic.

Things may seem hard right now. No one wants to raise children on their own. There are resources out there for you and your children. Just call CPS or even the DAs office. You dont have to leave a name, just ask for the location of a shelter or some literature.

The phone number for the national battered women's justice project is 800-903-0111 and the number for the national resource center for DV is 800-527-3223.

YFDA - your heart must be all torn up about that woman. Some days I don't know how any of us take it. Extra thoughts tonight for you, to bring you peace, and to know that you did all you could.

I feel much worse for her young children. I know that I did all that I could have legally done. We all make bad choices, some are just worse than others.

There is an old saying - "actions speak louder than words" - I hope that everyone who reads this site seeking help can remember that. He can say "I love you" and "I'm sorry" a thousand times - but the fact that he hits you or pushes you says something very different. This woman wasnt shot or stabbed or anything overtly homicidal - she hit her head.

Thanks for the extra thought. I appreciate it.

We just had 2 murders here..One domestic, that right before 5 0 arrived,he put her in the car...... that ended in a car chase...as the police were on their tail at 110 miles an hours , they saw a flash on the passengers side..he shot her...... as his car died and the police running to the car..they saw the second light in the drivers seat..Need I say more...she was 10 yrs older than him and a few kids..MERRY CHRISTMAS HUH???? The second..he just set the gas station on fire she worked at.and blocked the door...DON'T BE A STATISTIC. Your kids NEVER asked for this.

:shrug: If you ever come across someone with a happy ending please bring the post to my attention....



I've got a happy ending for you- I was treated badly, emotionally, for 3 years, the last year of it involved no actual violence towards me, but a lot of threats and broken household items... then he broke my jaw... I left!
I got better! I got my life back! I'm now happily married to someone wonderful who actually deserves better but loves little ol' me, anyway.(trust me- I'm a huge PITA to live with, he DOES deserve better and I have no idea what I did right;))

THAT'S a happy ending.

Tamitha, I share your pain. I was once in your shoes 5 years ago. I used to laugh at other woman whom were in abusive relationship; telling myself that I would never let a man hit me. I didn't realized that life style til I live thru it myself. The first time my ex hit me, I was so shocked that I couldn't even talk. In my mind, it was like - Did this idiot just hit me or was it a dream?? I was in denial for so long, telling myself that he's sorry for what he's done and he will get help to better himself. Big mistake... The beating went to once a month to every weekend. I never fought back cuz I knew I couldn't hurt him. He was 5'11 and I'm 5 ft.. Apologies always comes with nice dinners, flowers, gifts, etc. but never really any sincere ones. Even though it seems like that at the time..Know what I mean. I kept forgiving him, and of course it put that thought in his mind to hit me again cuz I OK it. During that phase in my life, I knew in my mind and heart that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, but I was afraid/scare to cry out for help cuz of his threats. I did love him then and thought that I would die without him. One day, after 3 long years, I finally woke up and told myself that I need to live for my daughter and for myself. If he loves me, he should worship me like a queen, not a door mat. I fought back, even though I receive a broken nose and 2 broken ribs - the fight was worth it. Putting him in jail was the hardest thing I had to do. Trust me, I didn't want to do it at all cuz I felt bad for doing that to him. But you have to think-if you feel sorry for him;who will feel sorry for you? Your friend did the right thing to call the cops. I also had a friend that was with me that day and guess what? She didn't call the cops for me. She left cuz she got terrifed after seeing my nose being busted. I don't blame my friend at all.. People react to things differently I guess.. All I can say is that - yes it will be hard but if I can do it, so can you.. Everything takes time, and one day you will find someone that will love you enough not ot hurt you the way he did. But answer to one of your question - yes - he does love you, it's only because you would put up with his crap.. You can never change him, only he can change himself. Smile cuz there's really some beautiful rainbows in the ends. Good luck.. and you can write me anytime if you want ok..

Thank you LeBeau :) I love happy endings! :D

Once again, Thank you everyone! I feel like I am in a nightmare. My reality is very confused. Does anyone understand? I have counseling tonight and I don't know if I'm going to go. She'll see the bruise on my face and want to know what happened. I know I should tell her but I'm not sure how. I see his soft side all the time but he is not being very nice to me. I told him he was being nasty! He said it makes it easier. He means easier to leave so he doesn't hurt me again. I miss him so much and then every now and then he smiles or laughs and he's back. This sucks so bad!!

She wants to know what happened because she cares about you. Just remember, YOU ARE BETTER THAN BEING ABUSED. For all the wonderful things you see in him, there is another man out there that has the same but will not hurt you.

Uhm... You're considering skipping your counselling session because you don't want your counselor to know what's really happening in your life?
Honey, you have to see how off kilter it is to deprive yourself of the benefits of a counselor by being less than honest in order to hide HIS behavior.... I'm speechless beyond that.

Tamitha,
WE CARE! We care about you, and what happens to you. PLEASE GO TO YOUR APPOINTMENT! You owe it to yourself to NOT BACK OUT! Don't quit on us, honey...don't quit on yourself. The bruise on your face will NOT just disappear, because you'll be wearing it on the inside.

This will get worse. The next time might be the last time, because you may end up dying.

I've been thinking about you since the last time you posted, and praying that you're okay. We can't save you, we can't help you any more than you are willing to help your self. Talk to your friend who was with you when he beat you to a pulp on New Year's Eve...the friend who tried to help you (maybe even at her own risk...risking her own life to help you) Ask her to tell you exactly what she saw, and how it made her feel to see you getting your head slammed into the tile. You need to be reminded, so that you can tap back into your feelings that you had at the time. You're in denial right now, and you need to be brought back to the reality...the truth is there. Go back to your original post and read it. Then read it again. RE-read it again. Close your eyes and go back there.....remember.

The FACT is that he's not "being nasty" to you because it will make it "easier" for him to leave. He is being NASTY to you because he is abusive. This is his way of controlling you: he's actually THREATENING to leave you by using this tactic. This way...you'll WANT HIM TO STAY.

Do you see how illogical this is, Tamitha?

This is a very common tactic...he doesn't want to leave, and he won't. He's only saying that so that you'll feel sorry for him, so that you'll see his "softer" side. This tactic also allows him to continue to be nasty to you without any repurcussions, without any consequences for his behavior....this is the biggest line of bullshit I've ever heard before. ...So maybe, according to this twisted logic, if he beats you within an inch of your life, he'll really want to go???? BULLSHIT. HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE. HE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE. He doesn't want you to leave him. (He didn't leave you after beating the crap out of you the last time, did he? And he won't leave the next time...or the time after that. He sure won't leave now just because HE'S nasty to you....)

PLEASE DON'T MISS YOUR APPOINTMENT. Think of anyone in your life who loves you, whom you love. You may not be strong enough to get help for YOU, but maybe your child, or your mom, or your friend might be a reason. Think about how much support you have here, and how much we're pulling for you...how much we all care about you. We've never even met you or laid eyes on you. But you're one of us...you're just like us, in fact. Please don't die on us, girl. This is Northstar, with her arms outstretched. Take my hand and hold on tight. I'll pull you through this, we all will. Put your coat on, and put one foot in front of the other. Call a cab, or find someone to drive you if necessary, so that you don't change your mind. Walk out your door, one step at a time. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES, but get your self out that door, and GO TO SEE YOUR COUNSELOR....

I don't want to lay a guilt trip on you, but do you have any idea what will happen to some of us here if you don't go??? You may not come back here, not now, not ever. We'd never know what happened to you, especially if you end up dyin'....most of us don't even know your real name, but you're so much like us that we see ourselves in you.
...for many of us, your absence will trigger post-traumatic stress disorder. The old fears will re-surface. The anxiety, the panic attacks. The nightmares, where you wake up in a cold sweat and your heart is pumping so fast and so loudly, it's all you can hear. The constant hyper-vigilence, where you check all of the locks on the windows, put chairs in front of the door, close the curtains and watch the traffic on the street. The hyper-ventilating, the feeling like you can't breathe. PTSD is a bitch to experience. Everytime we read about another victim dying due to intimate-partner violence, we'll wonder, "was that our Tamitha?"

The only way out is through. You have to walk through this. Be strong, girlfriend. YOU CAN DO THIS. ...Like I said, put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. GO. Please Go. If there was a way that I could pick you up and drive you there myself, I would. Probably we all would. So, we're with you in Spirit. Use us. Use our strength. We're all here for you. The North Star guides ships through treacherous seas and stormy weather. Follow the light.

With strong arms outstretched, Northstar

Tamitha, saying that he is being mean because it's easier so he doesn't hurt you again. My dearest, terribly confused, excuse-making girl, you have just put the nicest possible interpretation on a statement that admits that he KNOWS he will do it again. Go back up and read LeBeau's post again. You are avoiding the truth like crazy, and it's time to cowboy up and face it.

I feel so so stupid. But it doesn't make it easier. It hurts so much to look at him and smell him and love him and know that he doesn't have that capability to love. I will go.

Good for you. I hope that you find the support you need to find yourself a safe place.

I meant I will go to counseling. I can't leave home. I have 4 kids and a mortgage (that is mine and my ex-husbands whose in jail for molesting my daughter).

its a good thing that you are going to go to counselling....i think its probably a good idea to talk to them about what is going on...maybe hearing from a proffesional on this situation will help you make the very difficult decision that you need to make for you and your children..i have never been involved in dv but im sure it feels like hell!! My heart goes out to you in this very difficult time...i pray for your safety and that your bf either gets the help he needs or that you have the courage to walk away!!!

Thank you! Go to your session, and please don't hide anything from your counselor- she can't help much if you mislead her.
HE needs to leave the house, the sooner the better- Honey, you just can't raise your children with a man who would put his hands on you.... it's as damaging as if he put his hands on them, it's no good to tell yourself "He's never hurt my kids" because he did hurt them when he hurt you.
He has to go.

Another woman...who "loved" him, regardless of his abusive behavior
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/01/06/texas.slaying.ap/index.html

I'm sorry to post this, tonight's front page news item on cnn. I know that probably every woman still involved with her abuser will think "Thank God he's not that bad," but this victim thought the same thing....we survivors ALL loved our abusers, and thought that "it wasn't that bad," ...until the last time.

Here are some resources for you in your state, Tamitha, "just in case" you need them:

San Diego Domestic Violence Council: San Diego, California (http://www.sandiegodvcouncil.org/)
Provides resources, links and police contacts, and link with YWCA domestic violence help. 1200 Third Avenue, Suite 700
San Diego, CA 92101
(619) 533-6245 FAX: (619) 533-5507
San Diego Domestic Violence Hotline: (888) 305-SAFE (305-7233) YWCA: San Diego, California (http://www.ywcasandiego.org/)
YWCA-San Diego provides comprehensive programs and services for survivors and their abusers inluding sliding scale counseling, educational and support groups, shelter services and other programs geared to the abatement of domestic violence in San Diego, CA. The YWCA Counseling Center is located at 2550 Garnet Avenue and is part of the Domestic Violence Research and Training Institute/Counseling Center site in the Pacific Beach Area.The Center is located just off Interstate 5 and can be reached reached easily by car or bus. Call 619-239-0355 for more information on any of the programs.
24 Hour Hotline: (619) 234-3164
888-305-SAFE
The Women's Refuge: Berkeley, California (http://www.thewomensrefuge.org/)
Families who come to us for service are homeless for many reasons. The majority of these families are victims of domestic violence. We provide safety and security that allow these families to deal with the many issues that are involved in these situations.
The Women's Refuge
P.O. Box 3298
Berkeley CA 94703
(510) 547-4663
The Sparrow Foundation: Colton, CA (http://www.sparrowfoundation.org/)
To provide a loving, safe Christ-filled home that meets the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of women and their children who have been victims of domestic violence. To use all means necessary to assure a safe environment for the resident women and children. To provide abused women with medical help and vocational training. To help abused women and their children with emotional and spiritual healing through individual love care, counseling and prayer. To reach out separately to the abusive man and offer alcohol and drug dependency recovery and counseling with the goal of restoring families.
Phone: (909)783-8103
The Sparrow Foundation
P.O. Box 2253
Colton, CA 92324
UCLA Men and Women's Resource Center: Los Angeles, California (http://www.thecenter.ucla.edu/)
Resources, information and telephone numbers for students in the UCLA area of Los Angeles and Santa Monica.
The Center for Women and Men
Box 951453
2 Dodd Hall
Los Angeles CA 90095-1453
(310) 825-3945
Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition of Nevada County, California (http://www.nccn.net/%7Edvcoaltn/)
GRASS VALLEY and TRUCKEE CRISIS LINES
Laura's House: Orange County, CA (http://www.laurashouse.org/)
A shelter for Women and Children. South Orange County California:
24 Hour Hotline (949) 498-1511
Business Line (949) 498-1445
E-mail: information@laurashouse.org (information@laurashouse.org)
Marin Abused Women's Services (MAWS) : Marin County, CA (http://www.maws.org/)
Marin Abused Women's Services (MAWS) provides emergency hotlines, housing facilities, support groups and a men's program.
Women's English Hotline (415) 924-6616
Women's Spanish Hotline (415) 924-3456
Men's Hotline (415) 924-1070
Maitri: San Francisco, CA (http://www.maitri.org/)
Maitri is a free, confidential, nonprofit organization based in the San Francisco Bay Area, that helps South Asian women facing domestic violence, emotional abuse or family conflict. We provide peer support and referrals to legal help, emergency shelters and counselors. La Casa de las Madras: San Francisco, CA (http://www.lacasa.org/)
Offering Shelter, Advocacy and Support Services to Battered Women and their Children.
Adult Line: 1-877-503-1850
Teen Line: 1-877-923-0700
Domestic Violence Project of Santa Clara County, CA (http://www.growing.com/nonviolent/)
Comprehensive resources, contacts, hotlines and information for Santa Clara County. Includes educational/informational resources. They have over 1200 indexed links to internet resources on violence, over 100 links to relevant online journals, art by victims and award winning editorial illustrators, a 4000 item bibliography, medico-legal protocols, battered women's stories with photos, downloadable posters, essays by youth, newsletters, and more.
Center for Domestic Violence Prevention: San Mateo, CA (http://www.cdvp.org/)
Offering in-house counseling and support services to residents in our shelter program. We are committed to ending the inter-generational cycle of violence.
Business Line: 650-652-0800, Fax: 650-652-0808
Our 24-hour support line: 650-312-8515.
Women's Shelter Program: San Luis Obispo County, CA (http://www.womensshelterslo.org/)
WSP offers two distinct programs. The first program, the Emergency Shelter Program, consists of the 10 bed safe house which provides safe shelter, food and clothing to victims and their children who are in immediate danger due to domestic violence. The Emergency Shelter Program also offers counseling to women and children, advocacy with legal services and social service organizations, and case management in order to help the residents establish violence-free and economically feasible lives after they leave the shelter. The second program, geared toward domestic violence victims who are not in immediate danger, consists of support services. There are two main support services. The Center for Alternatives to Domestic Violence (CADV) is a sliding-scale counseling center which offers individual and/or group counseling to any family member affected by domestic violence. CADV also offers some group counseling and accepts Victims of Crime (VOC) funds. There are several groups offered at different sites throughout the county. CADV offers a group for Spanish speaking women and lesbians experiencing domestic violence. Groups for children, teens, and women are also offered. The second support services is the Legal Program, which consists of both a Domestic Violence Temporary Restraining Order Clinic and assistance with custody issues in domestic violence cases where the parents are unmarried. Potential clients of this program must meet certain income guidelines.
HOTLINE 800-549-8989.

You keep going, kiddo. Keep going to the counseling, keep coming here.

I meant I will go to counseling. I can't leave home. I have 4 kids and a mortgage (that is mine and my ex-husbands whose in jail for molesting my daughter).

"A SAFE PLACE" doesn't necessarily mean leaving home....it also means a place where you will feel safe to feel all of the emotions you have bottled up inside you, that you've been repressing, supressing, excusing, diminishing and denying. A safe place is where you will find clarity, where you can reclaim the part of yourself that has been beaten down, diminished, and denied. It is a place where you can just "BE." Without fear of reprisal, without the emotional and intellectual confusion inside you that your abuser's presence causes.

You may decide that you need to leave, at least temporarily, to get your head together. Regardless, you need support...from your counselor, from your friends, from other battered women, from survivors. There are so many resources available to you--all you gotta do is to reach out to them, just as you've reached out to us....

I'm SOOOOO glad you're going to see your counselor, Tamitha!! You are a beautiful woman, and stronger than you realize. You can do this! And if all else fails, maybe a trip to the beauty shop will help:
http://www.1010wins.com/pages/1379248.php?

Well, Sweetie, how did the session go?

Well, I know I'm going to disappoint you all, but I didn't go after all. I really didn't want to be questioned about this bruise. I know I need to be able to talk about this but not to somebody that may be required to report it to the police. I am doing better day by day. My BF and I are talking more and I made it clear yesterday that he was to deal with this and not ignore it and not try and blame me. He opened up for the first time (besides in letters from prison) about a lot of things. I told him no more alcohol and he needs to go to individual counseling, not just this stupid DV class that really doesn't help him.

Honey, the police already know about your bruise, don't they?

Tamitha, you can't protect him from his own behavior at the expense of your well being. That's unfair to you and unfair to your children.

Please, please, please, take care of YOU.... odds are slim that he's ever going to stop having this kind of temper and there's nothing you can do to tip those odds- everything that can be done, HE has to do, and you need to be healthy and whole and able to make good choices for yourself and your kids.
PLEASE.

TAmitha, I don't think you're stupid (you said that about yourself yesterday)...and I'm not disappointed in you.

I am, however, deeply concerned for you...and your children. You didn't tell us how old your kids are, but your abuser's behavior already has affected them whether you realize it or not, whether it's evident or not.

Children do not have the same defenses that adults have learned. ANY abuse, whether it is verbal or emotional, will adversely affect your kids!

VERBAL ABUSE (name calling, being "nasty," put-downs, insults, etc.)
http://www.verbalabuse.com/3.shtml
http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabuse.html
http://www.enotalone.com/article/2368.html
EMOTIONAL ABUSE (blaming, dis-empowering, invalidation, etc): http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html
effects upon children: http://preventchildabuse.com/emotion.htm

Children who are victims of emotional or verbal abuse, or who WITNESS verbally or emotionally abusive behavior, are at risk. They also may become abusers themselves when they grow up.

Children who live in an abusive environment are at greater risk for:
1. Delayed development
2. Personality disorders
3. Learning disabilities
4. Risky behavior
5. Drug and/or Alcohol Abuse and dependency
6. There are many more adverse effects of growing up in an abusive environment...

Another concern that I have is the fact that your ex-husband is serving time for molesting your daughter. So there already is documentation, already a paper-trail with the court/police system. Custody of your children is important to you, and you may be risking losing custody of them, in the event that the abuse you are being subjected to escalates.

These are some things that you need to think about, Tamitha.

I hope that you'll consider forming a "PLAN B."

By that, I meant that "what if your b/f physically assaults you again?" "What if it happens at your home if front of your kids?"

You need to form a plan to protect your children, "just in case."

You said:
"I am doing better day by day. My BF and I are talking more...."

But this ISN"T what you said yesterday. Go back and re-read your posts. Yesterday he was "being nasty." You said you felt stupid. A few days ago you were a basket-case.

Honey, you are diminishing his behavior, and denying the impact of ALL of this upon you, and your kids. You've made excuses, and have minimized what is really happening to you...AND TO YOUR KIDS.

You are in terrible danger, and I'm afraid for you, Tamitha. I'm worried about your kids. And I don't even know you. But you are risking their safety, and yours, as well as your custody of your children. The courts might waffle on domestic violence issues, but they take child-abuse and neglect VERY SERIOUSLY.

PLEASE reconsider seeing your counselor.

My suggestion is to call your counselor, make an appointment, and come clean. Explain the reasons why you chose not to keep your appointment last night. This will mitigate some of the situation, and it will help you to re-focus your attention on YOURSELF> AND YOUR CHILDREN. And this is truly where your attention needs to be right now, NOT ON YOUR ABUSER, OR HIS BEHAVIOR, OR HIS EXCUSES, OR HIS COUNSELING, OR HIS, HIS, HIS...ANYTHING. This is about YOU right now, and without YOU, you got nada. zip. NOTHING.

Don't lose everything you're working so hard to keep (your kids, your house, your life...everything).

FOCUS, sweetie, JUST FOCUS.

I care. We all do. Just take a step back, and really take a hard look at what you're doin'....

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS

... PAID MY DUES TO BE HERE NOW,
NORTHSTAR

Its not about us being mad or upset with you. This is about keeping you and your children safe. You should never have to hide due to the actions of another.

Even if you cant do this for YOU - do it for your kids. You dont want your children thinking that this is the way women should be treated.

I'll try to make this as short as possible. I've been on prisontalk for a while, but always supporting my BF. He has been locked up for domestic violence and violating his probation and then parole. We have lived together for 2 years. Last night was our anniversary. He hurt me for the first time. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure he is going to be violated and sent back to prison. My friend was there and called the police. She watched him drag me down the stairs by my hair and slam my face into the tile floor. I told the police that he was just trying to help me up after I fell. He wasn't home when they came. I am in such a horrible place inside.... I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. He can hardly look at me. He is not supposed to drink and we went out for New Years. I know that he is horrified by what he did. But I also know that my head is telling me that this will only get worse. God! This hurts so bad and I have no one to talk to. Somebody please tell me everything is going to be OK.
Yes, you are right. I am dealing with a VERY Similar situation, except...he violated his parole himself, but blams me for being on parole! I can't stand that "SOME" don't take responsbility, and that it is ALWAYS someone elses fault for what they did!
He is now facing going back to jail, and says it would have never happened if it weren't for me....WTF? Don't think so.
Nonetheless, hard to shake guilt even though it isn't my own...but instilled in me.

I to also have a 2(almost 3) year old daughter to raise myself. You are not alone, I only encourage you to SERIOUSLY attend Domestic Violence support groups, I have come along way from where I was, but not 100% yet, and may never be. The biggest thing I can tell you is that you ARE NOT alone, and there is HUGE power that comes from those rooms that have victims to share their experinces in there. It will give you MORE courage and strength than you have had, and encouragement to do better for you and your child.
Good luck and God BLESS!

Its not about us being mad or upset with you. This is about keeping you and your children safe. You should never have to hide due to the actions of another.

Even if you cant do this for YOU - do it for your kids. You dont want your children thinking that this is the way women should be treated.

Please, Mr./Ms Friendly DA, explain the potential impact of this situation within the court system. How would an Assistant District Attorney or a Judge view this situation, given the prior documention of child sexual abuse, and physical abuse in Tamitha's situation? What might the potential outcome be if there is another assault and the police are called/make an arrest? If this case ended up on your desk in your state, what would the likely process/outcome be?

Thanks in advance, Northstar

Tamitha, the fact that you don't want to go to counseling really says only one thing - you are afraid you will have to admit what is true. You don't need to explain the bruise - everyone knows how they happen. You need to admit that it was him, and that's what's keeping you from going there. You will have to admit that HE hurt you, and that it's going to hurt more as you have to pull away from him. We know how it hurts, but it's the kind of pain you just have to face and get through.

One thing we can be sure of - you won't die from leaving him, but you might die from living with him.

It's not about the alcohol, it's not about the courses - the odds of him stopping his abuse are so very tiny, whether he drinks or not.

And maybe you just can't emotionally leave right now, maybe that's just too much. So do little things. Keep going to your therapist, no matter what. Start doing really positive things while he's in jail - like not lying about anything at all. Not to your kids, or to yourself. Or the police, or the therapist. Honor your experience by that honesty. Honor yourself most of all. Look for work you really like and that really rewards you in some fashion (or that might be some little bit of volunteering outside regular work). Pay a little extra attention to your kids (they've been missing you while you paid too much attention to him).

Hon, this burns like fire. And you feel pathetic. Shamed, too. But it doesn't have to be like this.

Darlin', Let me ask you a really awful question...
Who will be caring for your children if you're hospitalised or worse?

I know you do not want to contemplate that, but the more I've thought about your situation, the more frightened I've become for your safety- If this guy is so unable to curb himself that he'd assault you with your friend there to see it, I am petrified of what might happen if you're alone the next time.

I just wanted to share my story. I know that it will probably have no bearing on whether or not you decide to get rid of this guy, BUT, it is a survivor story nonetheless.

I have always been in abusive relationships, in one form or another. Mostly verbal abuse, but there were two or three that were mostly physical. The last one was 4 yrs ago. The man tried to kill me the SECOND time he laid his hands on me. He beat me for falling asleep on the couch!!!!! The first time he hit me, I fought back and my son ended up seeing this take place. He was 10 months old at the time, and whether or not he remembers remains to be seen, but I know that I will never for get it. There was the usuall bullshit lines of "Oh I'm sorry and I'll never do it again, and blah blah blah." I believed him, until the next time. The next time it happened, 4 DAYS LATER, I still had the bruises from the first beating and my valiant attempt to fight him off. That time he beat me with a portable stereo cord. Have you ever been hit with one of those? I had bruises across my back the size of my fist for a month after he was arrested. I thank God every day of my life that even though I believe my brain was in shock, that I had the sense to curl into the fetal position so that he didn't get me across my face with that thing. But the beating didn't stop there. He went on to hold me down and choke me until I almost stopped breathing, and when that didn't hurt me bad enough, he held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. Let me tell you, there wasn't much I was afraid of in this world, but that night I was terrified. Not for me, but for my sleeping baby in the other room. If he killed me, where would that have left my son? Alone in the house with a killer!!!! No effing way was that about to happen. Finally, he stopped attempting to find the worst way in the world to hurt me and he passed out on the couch(yes he had been drinking heavily, he always did) and I cried myself to sleep, fearing all the while that he would come in the room and start beating me again. The next day I went to work like normal, but I didn't come home by myself. I took 5 cops with me, and they hauled his ass off. I know how hard and scary the decision can be to make someone face up to what they have done, but I know that my life means more to me than his ever did. HE made the choice to hit me, I made the choice not to let him do it again. Am I still afraid of him??? HELL YEAH!!!! BUT, that fear will not run my life. My kids will not grow up in an environment where they learn it's ok to hit women. My heart won't let me do that to them, or me. I deserve better than that, and so do you. Just my 2 cents, sorry about the long post.

You don't want any help do you? You love this kind of life. Your ex molested your child? What are you doing for that child? This man is 10 yrs younger then you. Is he paying your house payment? Is he living off of you?
I might get a A-- chewing from people but i am almost 72 yrs old, and I want to tell you right now, YOUR KIDS are the most important thing in your life. Or are they?
You need to get rid of this imature, skum bag and get your head together and take care of your children WHO needs their Mother! You can not go back and erase the pain from the molesting, BUT DAM you can do something about this situation your in. Move own before you lose those kids. Where is there real Dad? If i was the ex of someone and my kids lived in that envorment I would report you to social service and take my kids. If i was your neighbor i would!
So pull your stuff together and do as the others have said-PUT HIM OUT!

Please, Mr./Ms Friendly DA, explain the potential impact of this situation within the court system. How would an Assistant District Attorney or a Judge view this situation, given the prior documention of child sexual abuse, and physical abuse in Tamitha's situation? What might the potential outcome be if there is another assault and the police are called/make an arrest? If this case ended up on your desk in your state, what would the likely process/outcome be?

Thanks in advance, Northstar

I was going to stay away from this because I didnt want to use threats. But perhaps it would be in her best interest to fully understand the repurcussions of trying to hide from this.

We know that your little girl was molested. Thats a terrible, horrible, evil thing for a child to suffer. She needs her mom to show her what a strong woman looks like - how men should treat her - that sex is not a dirty, icky thing that only hurts. But this little girl is now seeing her mom crying with bruises on her face.

Now, onto the current situation. Now we have a man who actually physically hurts you, leaves bruises, yells and says nasty things to you. These are NOT things any child should be exposed to. And this is also where the state steps in. Its called "failure to protect" - if it seems that you are going to allow this abuser back into the home and expose himself and his violence to the children then it is truly in the best interest of the child to remove them to protect them.

This doesnt mean foster care - this may mean a family member can take them. But you and I both know that you want your babies - you love them. But so long as you are going to be in this abusive relationship the state has every right to step in and take them.

So, what does this mean? Just what all these wonderful people have been trying to tell you. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER. There is nothing so wonderful about this man that should cause you to run the risk of losing your children. And I'm not talking about days... this could be months or years and they could be split up during that time period.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - for the sake of the children let them have their mommy. Let them stay in their own beds and home with their toys and friends. Get a TPO/Bond order with a stay away. Protect yourself and your children. None of this is your fault, its all on him. He made his bad decision and now let him suffer the consequences - NOT you or your children.

I was going to stay away from this because I didnt want to use threats. But perhaps it would be in her best interest to fully understand the repurcussions of trying to hide from this.

We know that your little girl was molested. Thats a terrible, horrible, evil thing for a child to suffer. She needs her mom to show her what a strong woman looks like - how men should treat her - that sex is not a dirty, icky thing that only hurts. But this little girl is now seeing her mom crying with bruises on her face.

Now, onto the current situation. Now we have a man who actually physically hurts you, leaves bruises, yells and says nasty things to you. These are NOT things any child should be exposed to. And this is also where the state steps in. Its called "failure to protect" - if it seems that you are going to allow this abuser back into the home and expose himself and his violence to the children then it is truly in the best interest of the child to remove them to protect them.

This doesnt mean foster care - this may mean a family member can take them. But you and I both know that you want your babies - you love them. But so long as you are going to be in this abusive relationship the state has every right to step in and take them.

So, what does this mean? Just what all these wonderful people have been trying to tell you. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER. There is nothing so wonderful about this man that should cause you to run the risk of losing your children. And I'm not talking about days... this could be months or years and they could be split up during that time period.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - for the sake of the children let them have their mommy. Let them stay in their own beds and home with their toys and friends. Get a TPO/Bond order with a stay away. Protect yourself and your children. None of this is your fault, its all on him. He made his bad decision and now let him suffer the consequences - NOT you or your children.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...THANK YOU!!!

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, child abuse, and as an adult surivor of sexual assault and intimate-partner violence, I thank you from the depth of my heart. It took me thirty years to BEGIN the recovery process. The first thirty years of my life were a trail of violence, pain, homelessness and hopelessness. But I'm one of the lucky ones: I SURVIVED. I can use my experiences to SPEAK OUT AGAINST ABUSE. Children have no voice, but I can be their voice. WE can be their voice. Most children and victims are not so fortunate. Many of them end up in the morgue. Thank you for being here, Ms/Mr Friendly DA....

Tamitha, PLEASE stop trying to protect this abusive SOB...and start PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN. You're all they've got. You are risking not only losing them, but you are risking their lives by your refusal to be accountable. THEIR WELFARE AND SAFETY MUST BE FIRST.

Don't give up, honey. They need you. We need you to be safe. You all are in terrible danger and I'm guessing that everyone who has posted in this thread is with me on this point. These posts actually make me cry. Because I already know that the chances of you listening are not good. And that's the "norm" of family violence. Most victims DON'T LISTEN...they lose their kids, their homes, their jobs...and often, their lives.

You need to get real with your self. If your abuser kills you, and your kids are present, chances are VERY GOOD THAT HE'LL KILL THEM TOO....

IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT???

Tam, you have a huge problem & it isn't him its you.do you realize that your putting your children in danger just by them watching & just maybe one of those days while his beating you up he'll turn on that child that tries to save you.have you ever thought the damage that your doing to those childrens minds.there is nothing that you can do to save this man unless he knows himself he needs help, its called "Anger Management", & there is a good book for you to read titled 'women that love to much' get it you just might undrestand youself better,its an eye opener. take this advice Tam i'm old & i've been around the block a few which doesn't mean a darn thing but i'm right about this one

I will update you all later. Right now I have a huge amount of thinking to do. And yes, I very much appreciate all of you even you Boflipflops, who says I don't want help. I do. I just need to do this right. Yes, I'm struggling with the fact that I love this man and I do believe in him. That may be blind but I am truely trying to keep my heart and mind in check. As far as the children's father, my oldest and the one who was molested(16) never knew her father until recently, and he's too busy being self centered and arrogant to care. The others (9, 8 & 3) well their father is the one doing time for molesting my oldest. My younger children know nothing of the abuse and all 4 love my BF very much. In fact, the oldest calls him the father she never had. So, there is more here than just the fact that I love him. Yes, he helps enormously with the mortgage and the bills. The plain fact is right now, without him, we will loose our home. He doesn't drink, there is no alcohol in the house, he doesn't go anywhere but work without me. I feel 100% confident he will never hurt me or the kids sober. As far as the other night......yes, it's true, I don't know who the man who hurt me was, and if he ever drinks even a little again, I will gather all of the children and leave. I will not put us in jeapordy. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, I hear myself. But please, don't give up on me and keep giving me your words of support, advice and even the ones that aren't my favorite to read.

Honey, we're not about to give up on you- we just don't want YOU to give up on you!

Kiddo, we don't give up! We just sit here, waiting, hoping, dispensing hugs, swats and info as needed.

Since you feel economically unable to support the house and kids, start figuring a way out of that. Whether it be finding a good roommate (I did that for years) or moving to a place that you can afford, or taking courses to improve your salary possibilities, try something. Otherwise,if it happens again you STILL won't have a way out.

That is exactly what I'm trying to do. When my ex is sentenced, I'll have a better idea. Because when he gets out I can get child support for the 3 kids and I am filing this week for child support for the older. I also am putting my feelers out to teach a night class. I make pretty decent money, it just never seems enough when you are financially carrying 4 children by yourself. As far as moving....well my mortgage is less than rent would be for a decent sized home or even apartment. And I do have family that would take me and my kids in in an instant. I will never be homeless. I'm just trying to keep my kids where they are. They are in counseling and have friends and I don't want them to have to give any of that up. They need to continue to feel secure at home.

I believe that ingesting alcohol only curbs any inhibitions of what truly exists inside...after enough, the guard goes down. Sounds like TNT to me. Can you really babysit his every move? You say the youngest do not know about the abuse...which case were you referring to - your b/f's party punch(ing), or the previous pervert? You are aware of what you need to do for the sake of your kids. You just need to get there before it is too late. They are your life, not the $$$ that the b/f brings in. There is no price on their well-being...got it? And cry if you must - in private, away from the kids, but show them by example, not dependence on someone like that. But when you do take those steps, be verrrry careful. Make solid plans and stay away from any further possible explosions, I am not kidding! You will get through the financial, and you will be proud when you do take the steps and accomplish what is necessary.

Really, I am praying for your strength and safety.

First thing i want to say is are you ok? How are you feeling? or are you hurt still? Than i need to tell you that one of my best friends went though this for 10 years and it was hard for everyone to sit and watch everything that was going on and she always believed he would change and it kept getting worse and worse until one day he hurt her and her son and she finally left and hated that it took her child getting hurt to finally realize what she had to do. and let me tell you now she is married and her husband treats her like a princess and loves her child and she thanks god everyday that she has him. She once thought she would never be happy again turns out she never knew happy until now.

Tamitha...

Your life is good, for the most part, certainly doin' better than many of the folks here in PTO....

Yes, it's good, and you're okay...except for this one little thing....

But I'm hearing something else. First you tell us that your b/f beat the crap out of you, and that the police were called. Then you tell us that he's not abusive. Then you tell us that he has two prior felonies for domestic assault. Then you tell us that he's never hurt you before. Then you tell us that he pushed you down a year ago. Then you tell us how sweet he's being to you. Then you tell us he's being nasty. Then you tell us that there's no liquor in the house and that he doesn't drink...then you tell us that he's only abusive when he drinks....then you tell us you can't leave because you have kids and a mortgage. Then you tell us that he's the biggest help in the world, and such a sweetheart that your kids think he's the daddy they never had....

Do you see the pattern here?

You've been going to counseling for a reason...because you've been going. You didn't tell us whether this was voluntary or court ordered....

One thing that I DO know is that when victims of child-sexual abuse or family violence become adults, they often blame their primary caretaker (parent or step-parent usually) for not protecting them. Also, many times the mother "knew" on some level what was happening, but failed to protect because of not wanting to lose the 1) relationship with the father/new boyfriend
or 2) needing the financial provider....

I'm confused. What story is the real one? You were singing a different tune in your original post.....this is very much a textbook example of family violence....I'm not buyin' the fairy tale you're tryin' to sell here. I've heard this all before, with EVERY victim I've ever spoken to, heard from, or read about....You can't sell me ocean-front property in Arizona, hon, 'cuz I already own acres of that stuff myself. Been there, done that. It ain't real.

You still haven't told us whether you're going back to see your counselor or not.... I'm guessin' that you're going to wait until the bruise(s) disappear, and then spin another story about why you missed the session(s)....

I'm takin' a hard line with you, because I really want to help you. I'm saying this with love in my heart, but steel in my voice. I'm figurin' that I'm one of the ones whose posts you probably don't like to read. Well, I did tell you that you'll probably end up hating me, and that's okay. I'm gonna be right here in your face, because I care so much about you that it pierces me, that it makes me wring my guts out, here in front of everyone. I'm an extremely private person, and if you read most of my posts in every forum within PTO, you'll see that I rarely, if ever, discuss my personal business. This thread is the 2nd time I've revealed my childhood sexual abuse. The first time was in another forum, and although I was fine at the time, within a few hours I was curled up in a fetal postion on the floor, reliving the whole damn thing, re-experiencing the whole damn hell I've lived through...(I emailed a moderator in the middle of the night and begged to have the post removed...which, unbelievably, she did for me...luckily she is/was a survivor, too, 'cuz otherwise I'd be in a rubber room someplace) PTSD is a vicious horrible experience....it's like a disease you can't cure, the demon you can't kill...and I pray with all of my heart that it's not something that your kids will thank you for some day in their future....

DENIAL. Tamitha, you're in denial.

Call your counselor and prove me wrong.

Tougher than steel, Northstar

Money shouldnt be a consideration here. Money doesnt help your kids if you wind up in the hospital or worse. Call your bank, tell them your situation and see if they will help you. Speak to the counselor and see if there are any funds available to help you out. If you need to, go knock on the door at the nearest church and ask them to take up a collection for an anonymous mother of 4 who needs to get out of a dangerous situation.

You are clearly intelligent and resourceful. Use what you have to get away from this. You shouldnt be babysitting this man. You have 4 children, not 5. He is grown and can take care of himself and if he cant then you dont need him!

We all make excuses for things when we dont want to face the truth. Its the old "I gained 20 pounds eating mcdonalds because I had a bad week" syndrome. The "because" doesnt matter - its the 20 pounds - they are going to be there no matter what the reason was. THIS MAN HURT YOU MORE THAN ONCE - "because" doesnt matter - lose him.

Northstar,
Your real. Tamitha my daughter was sexual abused by her stepfather also!
I got the hell out of dodge. Money or not I was going to survive. Guess what?
Even after she got grown 34 yrs old she accused me of letting this happen!
I did not no. But being the attentive mother i was i noticed her panties own backwards, something i always made sure they were put on right. I ask her did she wet the bed? No! I said then why is the front to the back? I put them own right last night! They then told me. I left the SOB with 4 daughters. You hear me? 4! 3 yr old -5 -7-10. I had nothing but my children and they meant everything to me. I made it. But you no what?
That daughter is now 52 and she--Like Northstar said still carrys the abuse around. She is a wonderful person is sorry she said what she did to me. But one day your daughter will grow up and she will vent this anger at you even when you do all you can for them. But it was easier for me to take her verbual lashing, because i sat her down and we talked about that day long. long ago.
Guess what? Your other children will no about this oldest one being molested. They do talk. But Mommy don't no it.
I do not no what you will do, but someday when you get older you will say, Why did I put up with that crap! How do you no he want molest your other children?
Never be too trusting when it comes to your children. You never loved anymore than the rest of us. I have never been hit by a man, but i tell you one thing, IF i ever had been Lord help him.
Money is not everything. THINGS can be replaced BUT not our Children.
I had a wonderful 3rd husband who i dated for 3 yrs was married too for 35 yrs, (38 yrs together)until he died of CJD (Human form of Mad Cow Disease)6 yrs ago.
I was going to make sure i did not make a mistake again. MY Girls meant the world to him and me. He was everything to them. But first I had to Learn to Trust again--Then Respect-- Then came My Love for him.
Wirhout that you have nothing. I wanted better for us, They had enough in there life so i made it for them.
I am with Northstar I do not put my life out here but you just need to read Sokie story and if that don't get to you Nothing will.
God Bless you and i pray for your children. I pray you will be able to take the Mud slinging from your own Child someday. It will come. All the counsling want stop her pain. But you can stop it from here own. The past is the past, But we learn from it. It still comes back to haunt us.
Just be honest with your self. What does your family think about this. Oh my brothers would tear him a new ground if someone hit me. I have 5 grandson, and it would be a butt whipping. We only care. Stay safe and i will not post again to your post. Someday you can say--That Old Lady Bo- SHE HAD HER ACT TOGETHER. But you have to go thru the storms of life to see the rainbows.
That why I am,
Tougher then steel

Thank you for sharing. Let me back up a little bit. I was a single mom with my first daughter until she was in Kindergarten. I met and married a man I thought I loved I think out of trying to give my child a family. We were together almost 10 years (only married for 3). We had 3 children together. The molestation I've talked about was very minor.There was never any kind of penatration. He touched her breasts & butt & put her hand on his bare front! Wow that was actually hard to say. I'm not minimizing what he did, just clarifying. As soon as I knew about it, our marriage was instantly over. She has never seen him since. His children, however, got weekend visits initially, until the investigation (with my help) put him in jail facing 10 felonies. He's been there for 2 years and has pleaded to 1 felony and is looking at 3-6 years. I will never ever trust this man with my children. And I'm very clear when I speak to him that they are mine not ours. During this time my life went from "normal" to a crazy downward spiral. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I go to counseling by choice, but it will eventually be paid for by my ex through restitution. My daughter also went through counseling and we have already worked through the "why didn't you protect me". It was hard but we're good and very very close. The other kids know about this. What they don't know is anything about my current BF hurting me. My children feel protected by him and are terrified of loosing him. My oldest does know, she was there, and she is the one begging me to work it out cause she feels safe with him. She's actually mad at both of us for going out drinking when she told us not to! I know she is just a child but she is very smart. A made sure that she understood that no matter how she feels, what she saw on New Years was NOT OK. She wants us to work it out but I told her that I don't know if that is a reality cause I can't fix him he has to and I have to fix me.

I have to say one more thing Tamitha,
So was my child. Only touching. But when they grow up---
They have a hard time trusting again-anyone. My daughter has raised 3 wonderful collige graduates, BUT she is still damaged.

And what does your daughter know about the time before that?

She saw that too which is why she didn't want us to drink.

So this man is the second abusive man your daughter has lived with. The only male role models she's had are abusers. Of course she doesn't want him to go, she has no idea what living with a man who is not an abuser is like. And maybe living with a man who beats her mother feels safer than living with a man who molests her, but it in no way means this abuser is an acceptable role model for her.

Living with abusive men is the "normal" she knows. It's what she's about to take with her as she enters into adulthood, and she's in terrible danger of repeating the pattern in her own life. If you let this abuser stay in her life, your daughter probably will be making excuses and hiding bruises of her very own in just a few years.

And no matter what justifications we come up with, this man IS an abuser. There's no other word for it. He's beaten past women in his life, and he beat you LAST WEEK.

Why would it matter that your daughter wants you to stay with this abuser? It's counter to her best interest, and to the best interests of your other children, that they be any where near this abuser. You're the adult, and that means making decisions that keep your children safe, whether they like those decisions or not.

Please, please, please get this abuser away from your children. You can't fix him, and you have no business sacrificing your children so you can try.

Good luck, and stay safe.

Tamitha, there are several things that I want you to hear, important things that you need to know.

First of all, chances are very great that your daughter was molested more than once. You only happened to find about the LAST time..You simply don't know about the other times. From a clinical psychological perspective, men who molest children have a pathology of sexually abusing children. You got lucky, hon, plain and simple. Because you caught him. But I'm sure that he wouldn't tell you if it had happened more than once. You'll never know.

You said her molestation was "minor" and that there was "no penetration." For her it was NOT MINOR...penetration is an ADULT CONCEPT...to a child, it's all the same horror. They cannot distinguish between "improper touching," "oral sex" or "penetration."

Because of her age, your daughter most likely doesn't remember the other events. It's called repression. Most children never remember what happened to them after the fact. What happens is that they bury it so deeply inside of themselves in order to make it go away. It's horrible to be a child and feel like you've done something so incredibly BAD that you're beyond redemption. This is a major reason WHY kids DON'T TELL ANYONE what is happening/has happened to them. And even if she did remember, she wouldn't tell you at that age because of the trauma involved and the repurcussions and events following your discovery. (Also, kids at that stage of development do not have the words or the skills to verbalize what is happened to them when it happens. By the time you found out and began questioning her, chances are VERY GOOD that she'd already repressed the memories of other events if they happened...unfortunately, this is the nature of child-sexual abuse.)

What happened to her and to you once you found out? HER FATHER WENT AWAY. Your family was destroyed, your dream of being a family ended the moment you saw the truth.

She cannot and will not allow this to happen AGAIN, so she is trying with everything she knows, to keep your abusive b/f, her "Daddy" in her life and to keep your family together.

As she matures and begins to have sexual relationships, there is a very good chance that:
1. She will engage in risky behavior (unprotected sex, teen pregnancy, etc.)
2. She may become promiscuous, which in turn could lead to poor choices in partners. She may be raped or sexually assaulted (common in survivors of childhood sexual abuse as they enter into adulthood.)
3. She has a high risk for drug addiction and alcohol abuse
4. She very likely will choose partners who will be verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.
5. She will ALWAYS carry her scars within herself, and this will affect her for the rest of her life, haunting her whether she walks the path of recovery or not, whether she deals with it in a positive fashion or not.
6. Her childhood sexual abuse will affect her abilities to make healthy choices for herself.
7. It will impact the manner in which she chooses to raise her own children if she decides to bear them.

For you, her sexual abuse ended when you left the relationship. For her it will never end.

Your b/f and your daughter are not very far apart in terms of their ages (she's 16 and he's 27...or thereabouts?). This is very dangerous, given her budding sexuality and his inability to control himself, his need to control you. PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL....If anything ever happened between the two of them, you'd never know about it....or at least not until it's too late.

I am not trying to blame you for what happened to her in the past. But I am trying to show you a different perspective....the bigger picture. Take a long hard look before it's too late. ...

Light dispels darkness,
Northstar

Now is a very good time to show your daughter that men are not mandatory to happiness or safety.
I am horror stricken that your adolescent daughter apparently thinks that it's okay for a man to hit his partner and that she even knows enough about the situation to know alcohol was any factor breaks my heart.
At her age, her only objections to you going out should center on the dangers of drunk drivers on the road and should be in the form of quotes from school lectures.

You got her away from a molester- good for you (though sooner or later, she's gonna throw a vase at your head for calling it "minor"- the fact that there was no penetration, does not really minimize the damage done)

Now, be the parent again, and remove her and her siblings from the danger they're now in- not of getting beaten by your partner, but the danger of getting trained that this is normal, that it is okay for a household to harbour violence... You're teaching them what relationships are supposed to be, do you really want the lesson to be that "Bruises are ok"?

Bo, please don't stop posting in this thread because Tamitha didn't like what you had to say. ...It's your "tough love" that is very much needed here right now....

And I NEED YOU. Let your voice ring out loud and clear. You have much to say, Lady, and your experiences will help light the path here. "When the student is ready the teacher appears"...

Like I said already, Tamitha probably already hates me, but that only means that we're getting closer...we're hitting too close to home. I don't care if she hates my guts, because I still care about her. And I really mean this, Tamitha.

I'm sorry that I momentarily confused your two posts about the molestation and I edited the "underwear on backwards" part out of my last post....but to me, it's all the same. I AM HER KINDERGARTEN AGE DAUGHTER. I remember every year of school, from nursery school until I finished college. BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ONE SINGLE DAMN THING ABOUT FIRST GRADE, NOT EVEN WHO MY TEACHER WAS....I repressed an entire year of my life and can't recover the memories. This is normal for victims of child-sexual abuse. But it's like a blank space that has haunted my entire life...

Just a quick note to say I absolutely do not hate or resent any of you. I appreciate and need all of your posts. I know I sound wishy washy and I know I'm not willing to leave him yet but I don't want you guys to let me forget what can happen or what is happening! God, I sound crazy.

It's a crazy situation, Darlin'... I'll support you feelin' crazy as much as you need.... but I will keep reminding you that the craziness will end sooner than you think possible if you get this guy out of your life.
You can't fix him but you can provide a stable, safe home for you and your kids if you accept that he's not a viable member of your household.

Tamitha - I'd like to go back to the idea of you attending counseling. I know you think it's about this incident, but I think, if you can manage it, it should be about a lot more. Because you're creating relationships with men who are seriously bent, if not broken. More than anything else, you would do well to explain why to yourself, and that journey is best undertaken with someone who has a map. That's what therapists are good for - they have the map. Many of them have been to some awful places themselves, others are just caring, interested people who got into a profession intended to be a helping one. You are one of the ones they went through all that schooling to help.

You're afraid of her scorn, afraid she might think badly of you? Sweets, she is waiting for you, so she can use the skills she worked so hard to learn. It may be hard to walk through that door, but once you are there, you get to learn so much. And you deserve to learn it, and to repair the anger and sorrow and rage and self-abuse you've been through.

Go say hello.

Tamaitha, isn't mad at me. No your not sounding crazy. Your afraid of being alone.
Northstar I am not going anywhere. We all need each other. I feel you.
My daughter Tamitha is Living like Northstar said--There are things in her life she has shut out that year. It was ONLY minor--But Northstar no its not minor to a child. It is as you say -It haunts you all your life.
I only had a H/S diploma but knew that my Children come first.
I worked at Holiday Inn as a waitress. We made it. Kids need ONE Parent who will be there for them. If they can't have Mom and Dad, Then we as parents have to fight tooth and nail for them. To Heck with Love for a Man or Women. We never get to OLD for Love Later. When I look at my grandchildren and children I can lay my head down at night and No I made the best decision in the world for THEM.

Would you consider bringing your children to counseling as well? Especially your daughter, maybe she should go with you to group one night so she can speak about why he should stay. Perhaps if she hears from others that its not in her best interests she will be more receptive.

Tamitha, I was married for 20 years to the love of my life, he had always had a quick temper, but when he got hooked on meth he started beating me, he was almost psychotic. He broke my nose, kidnapped me, got a year in jail and we divorced. During my divorce I met my ex boyfriend through my divorce attorney (he sold our house during the divorce) and he romanced me during one of the most painful and horrific times of my life. I fell in love with him and within 9 months started abusing me. This went on for a year and a half, he would hurt me, go to jail, I WOULD BAIL him out, etc. Finally he broke my ribs in Aug 2008 and kept me in a locked bedroom naked and beat me for two days. He was just sentenced to 2 years state prison. My ex husband and I are now great co parents together (he is sober of course) and he is very supportive of me and his sons. So I have closure there. With the boyfriend I still yearn for him on occasion but through therapy for me, and knowing that how bad the last injuries were, the next time he would kill me if I let him. My sons and your daughter are going to suffer greatly if we dont break the cycle for them. My boys could become abusive and your kids could act out, or become victims or abusers.You have to protect them first, We are our babies only protectors, be a lioness and also love yourself. I hated and loathed myself for years because of beleiving my abusers hateful and derogatory remarks, Love yourself honey, dont let anyone hurt you. Its so hard to stop the victims cycle within this craziness but you can! God Bless You and your daughter

Tamitha I just finished reading this whole thread and felt drawn to write to you as the other very wonderful supportive people of this site already have. They have covered all the bases with you in an attempt to break through the denial that you are protecting yourself with.

You have a huge amount on your plate, that is clear to see. I imagine that you feel scared and worried about how you will make it without him on many fronts. And you feel you love him.

The previous posters have been pleading with you to get out of this relationship and to protect your children. As one poster pointed out you could be charged with failure to protect in the future.

After all of this, it seems you are still not able/willing to even trust your therapist with what is going on. By the way, therapists (at least in CA are not mandated to report spousal abuse, domestic violence). I believe doctors are. So your therapist is a safe person to talk to.

I am going to ask you this, will you just keep coming here and talking and reporting to us? Will you not run away, because this is hard to hear and do? If you can't make this decision right now, will you at least commit to staying in touch with a group of people that know what they are talking about, have a host of resources and hearts as big as the sky. Will you just do that? That is a good start.

BTW....I've lived through abusive relationships and I won't bore you with my story but I can tell you...it does affect your children, it does cause PTSD, which is a bitch to live with and you can get help and you can get better and you can get over him and you can have healthy self-esteem that can say no to anyone that mistreats you or your children. And to do that you will need support, professional counseling and time. We honestly, sincerely care about you. Please, think about just staying here and talking to us....you shared this for a reason. And somewhere inside you, you know that. You know that it there is a problem or you wouldn't have made a plea for help. You may not know how to navigate your way out, yet. But, if you stay and soak in the support and wisdom of the many poster's here it is likely to sneak up on ya and help you......Take Good Care of You.........~Cat

Tamitha, we won't let you forget and we don't think you are crazy. We've been there. sokie

Tamitha, since when is a little girl having her bare bottom touched by a grown man not that serious? I understand you left him right away and thank you for that, but I'm getting irritated reading this...You can't go back and fix what happened to your oldest daughter, but you can prevent something horrible from happening to your youngest children. I find it really hard to believe that your 16 year old daughter wants you to work it out w/ him after she saw what he did to you? I don't care if you have nothing more than the clothes on your back, you need to get the hell out of there. I don't care if you have to put all of your kids in a one bedroom apartment, you need to get the hell out of there. You're allowing your kids to be in a dangerous situation and that's just wrong. It's one thing if you have no children and you wanna stay w/ someone who beats the hell out of you, but one of these days his violence is going to turn to your children. Ask yourfriendlyda, I'm sure she sees it every day. Or, turn the news on, because I see it everyday. I can't imagine why on earth you think it's ok to leave your children in this situation? Because you have a mortgage? So your house is more important than the safety and welfare of your children? Because you love him? Because some abusive SOB is more important than your children? Stop thinking about him, stop thinking about material things, stop thinking about yourself even. Think about your kids who are too young and innocent, they can't protect themselves. They count on you to do what's best for them and what you're doing isn't best for them. I can tell you with certainty, he's going to hurt you again. You said if he never drinks again you'll be fine. So your banking your life on the fact that he'll never drink again? That's quite a gamble. Pretty soon he'll be hitting you when he's sober.
YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION!! Nothing is more important than your children. Think about them.

I wonder if there is a specific question/problem/thought etc. that is particularly troubling you in leaving this situation. Maybe if we all put our heads together we can help you brainstorm a way around it.

I think that deep down, in your heart, you know the danger that you and your children are in. No one wants to leave a situation because even though things can get bad you know how they are. The fear of uncertainty can be worse that the fear of him.

SO, what can we do to help you?

OMG, sweetie get him away from you and your children!!
I CAN not believe you would stay this long, I have read this whole thread since 12am...It actually makes me sick to my stomache to actually hear YOU say that YOUR DAUGHTER AND CHILDREN are begging you to keep that man there, I DO NOT believe that!! im sorry im not here to put you down sweety but like some of the post in here said you are posting different thing everytime u post, and i also believe YOU are in denial!!!

YOU NEED HELP YOURSELF!! and EVERY SINGLE person in here that posted has told you the same thing..
YOU MUST know that he is abusing you (and its not right)or you would of never came to a domestic thread to post this........ you really need to talk to someone!

Once a abuser always abuser!!
I ALSO BEEN THERE!!
Please for the sake of children leave this man, or let your children go be with other family members, cause its true he is doing things to you that can get your children taking off of you, i hope u undersdtand that!! NEXT TIME IT MIGHT NOT BE YOU AND MIGHT BE ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN THAT HE ABUSES?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?
i canT believe you are waiting to take the risk of losing your children and losing YOUR own life!!


I know i shouldnt say that but iam anyhow( please forgive me)
But if I KNEW you PERSONALYor even a neighbor, i would of already gotten you out of the house into a womens shelter where I know u would of been safe, and if you didnt like that idea i would of spoke to someone about this.. again im not here to put you down, IM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN'S WELFARE!!!

MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOUR CHILDREN AND GOD BE WITH YOU!

I wonder if there is a specific question/problem/thought etc. that is particularly troubling you in leaving this situation. Maybe if we all put our heads together we can help you brainstorm a way around it.

I think that deep down, in your heart, you know the danger that you and your children are in. No one wants to leave a situation because even though things can get bad you know how they are. The fear of uncertainty can be worse that the fear of him.

SO, what can we do to help you?

Sadly, there is NOTHING we can do for Tamitha. She must DO FOR HERSELF.

Unfortunately, this is the dynamic of abuse. Aside from the core power and control issues, abuse is a form of addiction. Think of the b/f as a drug. His substance (or lack thereof) feeds her habit...

A drug habit never starts out as an "abuse." Drugs initially make the user FEEL GOOD. They elevate the heart-rate, boost metabolism, and spark all of those delicious endorphins funning up and down your spine, just like a good workout, or brisk walk in the woods.... "falling in love" is very much like being introduced to drugs, alcohol, or sex...it's a rush..that makes your spirits soar, heats up your veins, and makes your heart race. Love is a drug. I'm not saying that "love" is bad, because drugs are not always bad, either. WE use drugs to treat everything from PMS to sprained ankles or breast cancer....

...Why do people do drugs? Because it makes them feel good. What's wrong with feeling good, if it doesn't hurt anyone? For example, people have all kinds of illnesses that require drugs or pain medication. For them, drugs are healing, life-saving/life-enhancing, power-boosting experiences....but when drugs become the focus to the exclusion of those things and everything else, they become damaging and harmful...when a person is harming themselves and others through their drug use, they're ADDICTED....

I don't want to get into a huge discussion about drug laws and their impact upon the judicial and penal systems in the US, but drugs are a huge part of American life and culture, from the tiniest tablet of asprin or ibuprofin to the largest of pharmacutical companies and their influence in political agendas and social life and public policy...the connection from the corporate oxycontin pusher down to the street-dealer is a straight line...but I don't want to take that tangent here
(though that would be a good thread if no one's already started it: the connection with and similarity between addiction and family violence...)....

Most people in the US from Obama to Falwell, have had some kind of experience with drug use and/or drug addiction, so I'm just trying to point out that there are forces at work that are bigger than Tamitha's will to end this relationship. Addiction is the monkey on the back here.

Tamitha is an addict. She is addicted to this situation and to her abuser. I'm sorry to speak to you in the third-person, Tamitha, but it's true. You're an addict...a JUNKIE....you can't get enough of this fix, and you're willing to do ANYTHING to get it. Even sacrifice your kids. Sell your soul...die.

Everything that you're trying to keep, you're gonna lose.

"I caught you knockin'
at my cellar door
I love you, baby,
can I have some more
Ooh, ooh, the damage done.

sing the song
because I love the man
I know that some
of you don't understand
Milk-blood
to keep from running out.

I've seen the needle
and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
like a settin' sun...."

You think you're holdin' it down, but you're not. You think you're makin' the right decision to stay in the situation, to try to keep things staus-quo, but in the end you're gonna fall so hard there's a good chance you ain't never gonna get up.

You need to get yourself clean. I don't care if that means a 12 step program, trips to your therapist, or whatever it takes.

You need to get clean.

OMG, sweetie get him away from you and your children!!
I CAN not believe you would stay this long, I have read this whole thread since 12am...It actually makes me sick to my stomache to actually hear YOU say that YOUR DAUGHTER AND CHILDREN are begging you to keep that man there, I DO NOT believe that!! im sorry im not here to put you down sweety but like some of the post in here said you are posting different thing everytime u post, and i also believe YOU are in denial!!!

YOU NEED HELP YOURSELF!! and EVERY SINGLE person in here that posted has told you the same thing..
YOU MUST know that he is abusing you (and its not right)or you would of never came to a domestic thread to post this........ you really need to talk to someone!

Once a abuser always abuser!!
I ALSO BEEN THERE!!
Please for the sake of children leave this man, or let your children go be with other family members, cause its true he is doing things to you that can get your children taking off of you, i hope u undersdtand that!! NEXT TIME IT MIGHT NOT BE YOU AND MIGHT BE ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN THAT HE ABUSES?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?
i canT believe you are waiting to take the risk of losing your children and losing YOUR own life!!


I know i shouldnt say that but iam anyhow( please forgive me)
But if I KNEW you PERSONALYor even a neighbor, i would of already gotten you out of the house into a womens shelter where I know u would of been safe, and if you didnt like that idea i would of spoke to someone about this.. again im not here to put you down, IM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN'S WELFARE!!!

MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOUR CHILDREN AND GOD BE WITH YOU!

DITTO, and I HAVE NOT MET AN ADULT YET THAT SAID," I HATE MY MOM FOR KICKING OUT OUR DAD FOR BEATING AND ABUSING HER" Please you need help! AND THESE KIDS DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS... Children want to be loved and they only know as children they are SUPPOSE TO LOVE HIM. GO BACK T