I'll try to make this as short as possible. I've been on prisontalk for a while, but always supporting my BF. He has been locked up for domestic violence and violating his probation and then parole. We have lived together for 2 years. Last night was our anniversary. He hurt me for the first time. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure he is going to be violated and sent back to prison. My friend was there and called the police. She watched him drag me down the stairs by my hair and slam my face into the tile floor. I told the police that he was just trying to help me up after I fell. He wasn't home when they came. I am in such a horrible place inside.... I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. He can hardly look at me. He is not supposed to drink and we went out for New Years. I know that he is horrified by what he did. But I also know that my head is telling me that this will only get worse. God! This hurts so bad and I have no one to talk to. Somebody please tell me everything is going to be OK.

You deserve to be treated better than that. There is never an excuse for a man (or anyone) to hurt you. It may be tough for a while, but this may give you the chance to break away and start a life for yourself, free from someone that hurts you. Its not your fault that he got arrested, drank and violated his conditions, or hurt you - those were HIS decisions. Standing up against those actions, while they may take him from you, will help you in the long-run. Its not your job to lie to protect him and dont let him make you feel guilty for telling the truth. Your "head" is usually right, keep yourself safe.

He hasn't asked me to lie. He knows he was wrong and he knows it's his fault. But he is a second striker and I refuse to be his 3rd felony. I don't know if I can ever feel whole without him but I know my kids need me to make the right decision. They love him very much but I know this is a bad situation. I keep thinking maybe he'll get help and come back to me healthy. I don't know how to be this person....

Tamitha, I have never been the victim of physical abuse. I have lived long eanough to know and know of people who have. It is easy to sit on the outside and tell you what you need to do. DV can be very insidious. There's the 1st time he hit you. He's shocked and promises to never do it again, then life gets out of control, he drinks to much and it happens again, and the incidents get closer and escalate in severity.

I worked with a lady who quit wearing her false teeth. He husband kept knocking them out so she gave up. Every time he apologized and she went back to him. She was 9 months pregnant, ready to go on maternity leave when he hit her again. She was taken to the emergency room, released and that evening she started bleeding so bad she almost died. They were able to save her, but she lost so much blood that the baby died. Her choices were much more limited in those days with help to get away.

Your guy may be a really nice guy, caught up with some bad coping skills. A time out could be what he needs to save him as well as yourself, but either way the cycle needs broken before it is out of hand.

Is it even possible for him to get better??? I can't picture any kind of happiness without him. I have 4 children who really need me and I know I have to be OK....but this is brutal. We are so in love. I told him once that I knew it wouldn't last because nothing has ever worked for either of us. But he said it was our turn to be happy. I honestly don't think I can ever be happy without him. I'll fake it for my kids, but nothing in my whole life has ever hurt like this.

Tamitha - "WE" are not in love - you are, but not him. You don't do that to someone you love.

No, it probably won't get better. You're talking about a guy who doesn't think the rules are about him, and though you may love him very much, he's not going to get better about following them. One of those rules is to cherish those who mean something to you - clearly he doesn't. I've been drunk off my ass once or twice, and it didn't make me beat someone. Besides, he may be horrified at being caught for it, but I wouldn't bet that he's really horrified at his reasons for doing it. Please, go to a domestic abuse counselor, learn about the problem, take your life back. Your kids will thank you for it!

And I want to add that those who abuse are very, very clever about making us love them. They are pathological and it makes them extremely good at seeing how best to set that hook. They tell us how marvelous we are, how special, how wonderful we make them feel. They do all sorts of good deeds, from cooking special meals to remodeling the house. Then the shitstorm starts.

You will love again, but it will be much safer, and better for you, and it won't have that toxic element (even though that very toxicity is like a drug for us, a real high). I promise you, you will do better, feel better, think better once this is all behind you.


And do go to court to testify against him. You would if it were a stranger, but a stranger wouldn't even treat you that way.

I'm sorry I keep posting but I'm trying to survive the day.I don't know that I'll ever be able to breathe without him. I know I'll never testify against him. Is it possible that he ever did love me? He's sitting at home right now waiting for his PO to receive the police report and come get him. I really believed he loved me or at least that he believed he did. Does that make sense? I can't believe this is happening....he was my happily ever after......

He doubtless did/does love you as much as he's able.
Abusers are broken and YOU can't fix them.
I might hold out some hope if he'd had no previous history of violence, but with the prior DV conviction(s) and subsequent violations, this guy needs more than just the love of a good woman.
I don't care how horrified he is by what he did this time because it's so common for abusers to be incredibly contrite after each incident, and this guy has been here before... he did not learn that the way to avoid being horrified by his own actions is to not be violent towards his partner.

And Prince Charming does not cause "Happily ever after" to involve bruises.

Can someone please tell me how to not beg him to stay!!! Can someone tell me how not to love him so much that I would rather go to sleep and never wake up than live without him. I want to be happy. I was never happy until him, everyone saw that, even my Dad who loves him. God, I don't know how to tell him.... He has become family to my family. I want to be happy for my kids. But right now I can't even eat.

Every time you think you would rather die than live without him, consider that it's possible. Every time you breathe, remember how much harder that is when your ribs are broken or your nose is splattered across your face. Or read one of the posts earlier today about a woman who just got away, and all she suffered was a broken eye socket and a few other things. That is your predicted future.

One thing speaks loud and clear - you do not own your own life right now. If you were never happy, and if you're ready to hand yourself back over to an abuser, then you have no real life of your own. You own no happiness for yourself. That is something you can fix.

Your family will not love someone who chooses (oh, yes he chose) to break your body.

Tomorrow morning get up and fix whatever needs to be done for the kids. Then make up your mind to put something valuable into your life today. Go help out at an animal shelter. Visit someone at the hospital. work at a community center. Do something, anything. You will find that your presence is a gift to such places, and it will lift you up.

If you keep having trouble tonight, I will stay up with you. Just PM me.

Ditto.....to Nimuay.. You say you can't live without him... The way this is going..... you won't be alive to be with him.
I see you have children... Your Kids did not ask for this!You need to think more of yourself and more for these kids.
This is a very unhealthy realationship. What if? You had a daughter and she called and said her BF or husband did this to her.... You would be angry, outraged and wanna kill the man....
Why do you feel you deserve to be treated like this?
Someone that loves you..DOESN'T DO THIS TO YOU!
Please move on for your life and your childrens.
JMO, Kids know what is going on... No man would ever hit me and darken my door again.

Good Luck

I'm sorry I keep posting but I'm trying to survive the day.I don't know that I'll ever be able to breathe without him. I know I'll never testify against him. .

Sweety, WITH him, you may end up in a box 6 feet under. If he did this to one of your children, would you testify against him? He obviously didn't learn his lesson the first time. No one deserves to have their head smashed into a tile floor. You deserve so much better than that. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not call him and beg him to stay! You need to get rid of him, for yourself and for your children.

That friend who cared enough to call the police?
What would you say to her if YOU watched HER get dragged by her hair and her head slammed into a tile floor?
What would you say to your sister if she was in your position?
What if your daughter comes to you someday with bruises and her arm in a sling?

What if you visit your adult son and learn that he hits his partner?

Children raised in an environment where there is abuse are significantly more likely to abuse or to be abused than children who don't live with such examples.

Please, please, please don't contact him, don't lie to protect him from his own actions. Stay here with us online or call the local women's shelter or crisis center, but do not let him have five more minutes of your precious life.

Make an Escape Plan: Before You Leave (http://www2.oprah.com/tows/slide/200705/20070523/slide_20070523_284_111.jhtml?promocode=HP13)
On her show today

I can tell you from my experience that the beatings and being talked to like a dog only got worse with time. I have learned in therapy that the odds of my abuser getting better aren't in his favor. They tell me if I don't go back, if I don't give in, that eventually he will find another to take my place and continue to abuse. Good luck to you. ((hugs)) sokie

Hello everyone and thank you so much for everything. I am doing better. Still unsure of what comes next. My BF never left. We have talked a little and I told him that if anything was going to work out we needed to not push this under the carpet. I know that everyone thinks I'm crazy but I do love him and I do believe he loves me. I just hope that he is man enough to face what he can become when he drinks. He is not a habitual drinker. I don't think that quitting drinking is going to be a problem. The problem is that he has so many things from his childhood that haunt him. He needs to start some serious counseling. I don't know how much I can tell you all what your words mean to me. I feel very lost and confused. And for those of you, (especially you Sokie, I just read a lot of your posts) that have gone through such horrible experiences, Thank you so much for sharing and helping me feel not so alone.

By the way, I check this post constantly for inspiration. Thank you for being there.

I'm happy that you're feeling better, but are you really willing to risk your life and the welfare of your children, present and future, on the huge gamble you're talking about taking?
Drinking is NOT the cause of his abusiveness.
To not drink would be a very good idea, but it is not a complete solution.
While HE gets counseling, I am begging you NOT to live with him and to get counseling for yourself... please.

Tamitha,
I will chat with you anytime that I am home ;) even if it is just to listen.
I use to blame my beatings on my guys drinking so when the beatings continued when he wasn't drinking I tried to find other reason...reason's like I pushed him over the edge with my bitching, not letting him know he was a good man for bringing home the $$$'s, I didn't have his food ready in time, the kitchen floor could have been cleaner, I should have washed the trash can...the reason's became even more stupid for my black eyes, bruises and cuts. :slap:
Try to take care of yourself and be safe. :) sokie

Tamitha, when you start to talk about childhood horrors, you are sometimes talking about incurable deficits. Be careful!!! Read all you can find, look into personality disorders, be on guard!

I am doing better. Still unsure of what comes next. My BF never left. We have talked a little and I told him that if anything was going to work out we needed to not push this under the carpet. I know that everyone thinks I'm crazy but I do love him and I do believe he loves me. I just hope that he is man enough to face what he can become when he drinks. He is not a habitual drinker. I don't think that quitting drinking is going to be a problem. The problem is that he has so many things from his childhood that haunt him. He needs to start some serious counseling. I don't know how much I can tell you all what your words mean to me. I feel very lost and confused. And for those of you, (especially you Sokie, I just read a lot of your posts) that have gone through such horrible experiences, Thank you so much for sharing and helping me feel not so alone.

Tamitha, this the MANTRA of EVERY battered women.

YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN WE ARE.....THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT WE HAVE LIVED THROUGH OUR ABUSE TO BECOME SURVIVORS

You may not be so lucky.

I will tell you what will happen next:

Your abuser has a pathology of violence, a history of abuse. This is not the END, it is the beginning.

Soon, you will find yourself flinching every time he moves unexpectedly, especially if he is angry, frustrated, verbally abusive, or argumentative. Your flinching will make him angrier, because after all, it's not his fault. At some point, he will strike out at you again. Maybe before he assaults you physically, he will strike out at you verbally, or twist you up emotionally. ...eventually he will render you powerless.

You said that he "makes you whole." This is NOT true. You make yourself whole...the belief that you cannot live without him is an illusion. This illusion is the beginning of the end of "YOU." And you will lose your self during the process of this relationship unless you address your own needs first. You are using him to fill an emptiness within you that cannot be filled by anyone else but your "authentic" self..the place inside your heart where your deepest self-respect and sense of self resides. He is NOT your strength, YOU ARE.

You need to find a "guide" to recover what you've lost. This may be a counselor, a pastor, a survivor, a therapist, a friend....

RECOVERY is a spiritual process...maybe you might think of it as a "spirit guide," if the idea of counseling of therapy frightens you. Some people find their way back to their "authentic self" or the act of recovering their self through a 12 step program. Maybe you CAN do this yourself, and become your own counselor. There's a plethora of information to help you, if you choose to use it...books, books, books!

The thing is ...There's no set route for you--everyone walks their own path. But if you look, you'll see that the footsteps of others who have walked this walk before you are already there.

"I just hope that he is man enough to face what he can become when he drinks. He is not a habitual drinker. I don't think that quitting drinking is going to be a problem. The problem is that he has so many things from his childhood that haunt him."

Alcoholism is not simply being a habitual drinker. Some alcoholics go weeks or months without drinking, yet they still have the disease. Other alcoholics stop drinking, and never touch another drop for the rest of their lives, yet their behavior doesn't change, and they're still alcoholics. AA calls these people "dry drunks." I really hope that you learn more about what alchohlism is, how it affects loved ones, and how to prevent yourself from becoming as sick as the alcoholic, because that's what happens, regardless of whether or not you ever take a drink (they call alchohlism a family disease for a good reason)...childhood issues and abuse are usually part and parcel of alchohlism and domestic violence. They are not going to go away, and as long as those issues remain unaddressed, you are at risk...in fact, when I think about your head getting slammed into tile on your anniversary, I gotta tell you that you are in grave danger as long as you remain in this relationship without addressing your own feelings, needs and behavior, and as long as your abuser's needs remain unaddressed.

I'm not going to preach or lecture you, only to tell you that you are in some serious denial. It sounds harsh, but I'm telling this to you because I care. No, I don't think you're crazy, because I'm just betting that everyone who has responded to your OP has been in your shoes already....this is the reality of domestic violence. Your situation is only different in degrees, according to what you look like, your personality, your circumstances. But it's the SAME process, give or take a shade of gray.

You said that you don't want to be his "third felony." But here's the question that I'm gonna get right in your face with:

"DO YOU WANT TO BE HIS FIRST MURDER VICTIM?"

You won't agree with me, I know. But just to prove me wrong, why don't you clip out the 800 number of the national domestic abuse hotline, or your local family violence project. Put it in a safe place and let it rot there. Just to prove me wrong. But if you ever need it you'll have it. I won't gloat and say "I told you so." But I will get down on my knees and thank God that you've survived.

In Hope, Northstar

I know it's huge and he has kept it in a long time. But he is still young (he's 27, i'm 38). He had started really getting into learning about himself in counseling when he was on probation. But that ended when he switched to parole. The only thing they require is his DV classes which are almost complete and sobriety, which other than the very few instances he's been sober. When I say he is young I mean there is still hope in my opinion for him to seek and find the help he needs and deep down wants but doesn't know how to ask for. The only time he was ever physical before was about a year ago, he was drunk and pushed me down in the living room. This recent episode is the onlytime he has ever scared me. I too hope it ends and I pray we make it through. I'm trying to do the right things, but to tell you the truth, my heart will not let me let go.

I can see from your writing that you will stand beside him until you cannot take it anymore. I'd say most of us responding to you have already been there and done it so I will not lecture or try to make you feel bad. Just know that you have found a support site and we will always be here for you. sokie

Thank you so so much! I so badly need this. All of you are so much of what I need right now. I pray that he gets better or I fall out of love....sooner than later. He came home from work the other morning around 4am. He laid next to me and faced me for the first time since it happened. We slept with our faces together, with our lips just barely touching. I felt so at peace. I know you've all been there, but there has got to be at least a few happy endings??? I see a counselor now for PTSD. A lot in my life went crazy when I found out my husband (now ex) was molesting my daughter. Now, I'm afraid to tell her (my counselor) Monday what happened on new years. I used to feel like I could conquer the world, now sometimes I feel like the world is conquering me. I am however, a very positive person but it is hard to see the glass half full.....

When I say he is young I mean there is still hope in my opinion for him to seek and find the help he needs and deep down wants but doesn't know how to ask for. The only time he was ever physical before was about a year ago, he was drunk and pushed me down in the living room. This recent episode is the onlytime he has ever scared me. I too hope it ends and I pray we make it through. I'm trying to do the right things, but to tell you the truth, my heart will not let me let go.

He's young enough to have two prior domestic violence felonies. This is an excuse. ...But we survivors already KNOW all about excuses that we make for our abusers, don't we, ladies?

"The only time he was ever physical before" is also an excuse. And it's completely untrue. In fact, he was "PHYSICAL" before, physical enough to have not one but two domestic assault felonies. ....His track record doesn't begin with you. He "pushed you down in the living room" as part of a longstanding pattern of behavior.....I wonder whether his previous partners thought that he would change, too? Do you wonder if they thought that they or their "love" could change him, too?

Hon, it's not your "heart" that won't let him go. Your HEART is what brought you here, to post this thread. Your HEART is trying to save your life. Your HEART is trying to find the "you" that got lost.

It's not your heart, that won't let him go, it's that gnawing emptiness inside you that clings to him...the "you" your heart knows so intimately and loves so deeply...is already gone.

Don't give up on that "YOU"...it's the only thing you have. You just have to recover what you've lost. You're looking in the wrong place: he doesn't have that "you".... he has the needy, lonely, desperate emptiness where YOU USED TO BE...

Listen, Tamitha, I don't want to drive you away, or to have you quit your own thread here. This is tough love all the way baby. I'm not gonna give up on you. I'm gonna be right here in your face. You'll start to hate me probably. But I'm holding you close now, and my hand is outstretched to lift you up from that brutal desolation burning a hole inside you...

The only way out is "through"....Ya gotta walk through this burning fire, 'cuz when ya get right down to it, YOU are the only one who can save you. If you live through this and find your way OUT, you'll be stronger, better, and more beautiful. You'll be a warrior woman, just like the rest of us here...If you don't make it...we'll say our prayers for your eternal spirit, light a candle for you, and place yet another white cross on the piles of victims' bodies in the boneyard where all of our dead sisters (and brothers and parents and children) are buried. We couldn't save them, we can't save you. WE only offer our experience, strength and hope to you because we want so very much for you to live.

:shrug: If you ever come across someone with a happy ending please bring the post to my attention....
I'd probably say what you felt the other nite was the 'honeymoon' part of your situation. They tell me that it's a cycle and looking back I remember it too. But somehow I don't remember a dozen roses fixing my busted lips or my bruised knees from being shoved to the ground. I remember mostly ducking if he moved too fast and trying to keep the house calm so I didn't have to recieve anymore gifts or lay in the bed with him. I mostly prayed that he would drink or drug himself into being passed out so I could rest. Somehow it quit being romantic to me when he tried to tell me he was sorry.

Thank you so so much! I so badly need this. All of you are so much of what I need right now. I pray that he gets better or I fall out of love....sooner than later. He came home from work the other morning around 4am. He laid next to me and faced me for the first time since it happened. We slept with our faces together, with our lips just barely touching. I felt so at peace. I know you've all been there, but there has got to be at least a few happy endings??? I see a counselor now for PTSD. A lot in my life went crazy when I found out my husband (now ex) was molesting my daughter. Now, I'm afraid to tell her (my counselor) Monday what happened on new years. I used to feel like I could conquer the world, now sometimes I feel like the world is conquering me. I am however, a very positive person but it is hard to see the glass half full.....

Sokie took the words right out of my mouth...the other night was the honeymoon phase.... It won't last.

You are in the eye of the storm right now, where it's calm. It may not be tonight, or this week, or this month, or this year, but the storm has not passed yet, and it will not pass until 1) He gets help and learns how to manage his anger 2) you leave or 3) you end up in the morgue as another statistic.

In my state, 53% of ALL homicides are domestic violence related. I could almost guarantee you that those victims thought "he'd change," "it wouldn't happen to them," or that "love" would stop him....In fact, right now as I write this to you, Tamitha, I hear the voices of all of those murdered women crying out to me to warn you, to help you, to throw you a lifeline. The glass is NOT HALF FULL, IT'S EMPTY....The water has spilled out over the edges and you're drowning in it.

My question to you is this:
"Why did you post your first post here with us instead of CALLING your counselor?"

This is serious business, and I want you to sit down and get real with your self. No excuses. No blinders. No bullshit. Just the raw truth. Are you a religious or spiritual person? If so, pray with all your heart for the truth to be revealed to you. If not, and you're an athiest, look to logic and scientific evidence to guide you: the statistics don't lie, and logic doesn't make excuses. Do you have kids (I can't remember)? If you do, why are you putting their needs before him, or you, or anything? Their lives depend on you. All of the demons inside your abuser that have haunted him since HIS childhood will infect them, and when they grow up they'll do to others what is being done to you, or they'll end up being done like you: THAT is the nature of this beast. (Even kids that grow up thinkin' they'll never be like that, end up being like "that") Your kids need you to make the right decision, to choose the course of action that will protect them and keep them safe....

The only "happy endings" I've ever heard about are the ones where the women leave and recover their selves and learn to love themselves all the way....

As for the rest of the stories....their children put flowers on their graves....

I'm sorry I keep posting but I'm trying to survive the day.I don't know that I'll ever be able to breathe without him. I know I'll never testify against him. Is it possible that he ever did love me? He's sitting at home right now waiting for his PO to receive the police report and come get him. I really believed he loved me or at least that he believed he did. Does that make sense? I can't believe this is happening....he was my happily ever after......
Let me tell you my story because it wiil some day be your own.
I come from a family of 9 kids and my dad was an abuser even using his cane as he got older on my mom
Life was really bad always hiding from my dad and he always felt bad about what he did to us but he would turn around and do it again my poor mom couldnt even look at him without getting hit because he didnt like the way she looked at him it was always someone eles fault.
As we kids grew up none of were happy we all got into drugs and anything eles you can think of.
I married a man that beat me and as may children grew up they couldnt understand that i stayed with him because of love and often wondered if i loved them less by putting them thur all the hell they had to seen
Now that they are grown my oldest child a girl suffers from alot of mental problems i have a son going thur a divorce and a son that just got out of federal prison and they say it all goes back to their childhood and wish things could have been diffrent for them .
So please leave it alone and i know its hard to do it but you have to think of the kids
And i can see you are blinded by love right now and by all accounts will take him back love is a powerful thing BUT as time goes by and he starts to slip back into his ole ways i hope you find it in yourself to move on and find goodness in your life for yourself and the kids
GOOD LUCK

Tamitha;

I am on this board and have been for years, as a family member of mine,
who was loved by his wife,
who was not mean,
who "made bad choices",
who his wife loved beyond words,
whose wife could not live without him,
whose wife was desperate to make him change,
finally killed her.

He is serving life for her murder.

She would not listen either.

It only hurts them the first time, it hurts you every time.

This is my family member and I love him, but I have never made excuses for what he did and never will.

You need counseling to love yourself and your kids and make them number 1.

LEAVE.

Special good luck.

I started a thread on this board asking about why victims sign waivers. I found out today that one of them has been killed.

Please dont become another statistic.

Things may seem hard right now. No one wants to raise children on their own. There are resources out there for you and your children. Just call CPS or even the DAs office. You dont have to leave a name, just ask for the location of a shelter or some literature.

The phone number for the national battered women's justice project is 800-903-0111 and the number for the national resource center for DV is 800-527-3223.

YFDA - your heart must be all torn up about that woman. Some days I don't know how any of us take it. Extra thoughts tonight for you, to bring you peace, and to know that you did all you could.

I feel much worse for her young children. I know that I did all that I could have legally done. We all make bad choices, some are just worse than others.

There is an old saying - "actions speak louder than words" - I hope that everyone who reads this site seeking help can remember that. He can say "I love you" and "I'm sorry" a thousand times - but the fact that he hits you or pushes you says something very different. This woman wasnt shot or stabbed or anything overtly homicidal - she hit her head.

Thanks for the extra thought. I appreciate it.

We just had 2 murders here..One domestic, that right before 5 0 arrived,he put her in the car...... that ended in a car chase...as the police were on their tail at 110 miles an hours , they saw a flash on the passengers side..he shot her...... as his car died and the police running to the car..they saw the second light in the drivers seat..Need I say more...she was 10 yrs older than him and a few kids..MERRY CHRISTMAS HUH???? The second..he just set the gas station on fire she worked at.and blocked the door...DON'T BE A STATISTIC. Your kids NEVER asked for this.

:shrug: If you ever come across someone with a happy ending please bring the post to my attention....



I've got a happy ending for you- I was treated badly, emotionally, for 3 years, the last year of it involved no actual violence towards me, but a lot of threats and broken household items... then he broke my jaw... I left!
I got better! I got my life back! I'm now happily married to someone wonderful who actually deserves better but loves little ol' me, anyway.(trust me- I'm a huge PITA to live with, he DOES deserve better and I have no idea what I did right;))

THAT'S a happy ending.

Tamitha, I share your pain. I was once in your shoes 5 years ago. I used to laugh at other woman whom were in abusive relationship; telling myself that I would never let a man hit me. I didn't realized that life style til I live thru it myself. The first time my ex hit me, I was so shocked that I couldn't even talk. In my mind, it was like - Did this idiot just hit me or was it a dream?? I was in denial for so long, telling myself that he's sorry for what he's done and he will get help to better himself. Big mistake... The beating went to once a month to every weekend. I never fought back cuz I knew I couldn't hurt him. He was 5'11 and I'm 5 ft.. Apologies always comes with nice dinners, flowers, gifts, etc. but never really any sincere ones. Even though it seems like that at the time..Know what I mean. I kept forgiving him, and of course it put that thought in his mind to hit me again cuz I OK it. During that phase in my life, I knew in my mind and heart that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, but I was afraid/scare to cry out for help cuz of his threats. I did love him then and thought that I would die without him. One day, after 3 long years, I finally woke up and told myself that I need to live for my daughter and for myself. If he loves me, he should worship me like a queen, not a door mat. I fought back, even though I receive a broken nose and 2 broken ribs - the fight was worth it. Putting him in jail was the hardest thing I had to do. Trust me, I didn't want to do it at all cuz I felt bad for doing that to him. But you have to think-if you feel sorry for him;who will feel sorry for you? Your friend did the right thing to call the cops. I also had a friend that was with me that day and guess what? She didn't call the cops for me. She left cuz she got terrifed after seeing my nose being busted. I don't blame my friend at all.. People react to things differently I guess.. All I can say is that - yes it will be hard but if I can do it, so can you.. Everything takes time, and one day you will find someone that will love you enough not ot hurt you the way he did. But answer to one of your question - yes - he does love you, it's only because you would put up with his crap.. You can never change him, only he can change himself. Smile cuz there's really some beautiful rainbows in the ends. Good luck.. and you can write me anytime if you want ok..

Thank you LeBeau :) I love happy endings! :D

Once again, Thank you everyone! I feel like I am in a nightmare. My reality is very confused. Does anyone understand? I have counseling tonight and I don't know if I'm going to go. She'll see the bruise on my face and want to know what happened. I know I should tell her but I'm not sure how. I see his soft side all the time but he is not being very nice to me. I told him he was being nasty! He said it makes it easier. He means easier to leave so he doesn't hurt me again. I miss him so much and then every now and then he smiles or laughs and he's back. This sucks so bad!!

She wants to know what happened because she cares about you. Just remember, YOU ARE BETTER THAN BEING ABUSED. For all the wonderful things you see in him, there is another man out there that has the same but will not hurt you.

Uhm... You're considering skipping your counselling session because you don't want your counselor to know what's really happening in your life?
Honey, you have to see how off kilter it is to deprive yourself of the benefits of a counselor by being less than honest in order to hide HIS behavior.... I'm speechless beyond that.

Tamitha,
WE CARE! We care about you, and what happens to you. PLEASE GO TO YOUR APPOINTMENT! You owe it to yourself to NOT BACK OUT! Don't quit on us, honey...don't quit on yourself. The bruise on your face will NOT just disappear, because you'll be wearing it on the inside.

This will get worse. The next time might be the last time, because you may end up dying.

I've been thinking about you since the last time you posted, and praying that you're okay. We can't save you, we can't help you any more than you are willing to help your self. Talk to your friend who was with you when he beat you to a pulp on New Year's Eve...the friend who tried to help you (maybe even at her own risk...risking her own life to help you) Ask her to tell you exactly what she saw, and how it made her feel to see you getting your head slammed into the tile. You need to be reminded, so that you can tap back into your feelings that you had at the time. You're in denial right now, and you need to be brought back to the reality...the truth is there. Go back to your original post and read it. Then read it again. RE-read it again. Close your eyes and go back there.....remember.

The FACT is that he's not "being nasty" to you because it will make it "easier" for him to leave. He is being NASTY to you because he is abusive. This is his way of controlling you: he's actually THREATENING to leave you by using this tactic. This way...you'll WANT HIM TO STAY.

Do you see how illogical this is, Tamitha?

This is a very common tactic...he doesn't want to leave, and he won't. He's only saying that so that you'll feel sorry for him, so that you'll see his "softer" side. This tactic also allows him to continue to be nasty to you without any repurcussions, without any consequences for his behavior....this is the biggest line of bullshit I've ever heard before. ...So maybe, according to this twisted logic, if he beats you within an inch of your life, he'll really want to go???? BULLSHIT. HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE. HE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE. He doesn't want you to leave him. (He didn't leave you after beating the crap out of you the last time, did he? And he won't leave the next time...or the time after that. He sure won't leave now just because HE'S nasty to you....)

PLEASE DON'T MISS YOUR APPOINTMENT. Think of anyone in your life who loves you, whom you love. You may not be strong enough to get help for YOU, but maybe your child, or your mom, or your friend might be a reason. Think about how much support you have here, and how much we're pulling for you...how much we all care about you. We've never even met you or laid eyes on you. But you're one of us...you're just like us, in fact. Please don't die on us, girl. This is Northstar, with her arms outstretched. Take my hand and hold on tight. I'll pull you through this, we all will. Put your coat on, and put one foot in front of the other. Call a cab, or find someone to drive you if necessary, so that you don't change your mind. Walk out your door, one step at a time. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES, but get your self out that door, and GO TO SEE YOUR COUNSELOR....

I don't want to lay a guilt trip on you, but do you have any idea what will happen to some of us here if you don't go??? You may not come back here, not now, not ever. We'd never know what happened to you, especially if you end up dyin'....most of us don't even know your real name, but you're so much like us that we see ourselves in you.
...for many of us, your absence will trigger post-traumatic stress disorder. The old fears will re-surface. The anxiety, the panic attacks. The nightmares, where you wake up in a cold sweat and your heart is pumping so fast and so loudly, it's all you can hear. The constant hyper-vigilence, where you check all of the locks on the windows, put chairs in front of the door, close the curtains and watch the traffic on the street. The hyper-ventilating, the feeling like you can't breathe. PTSD is a bitch to experience. Everytime we read about another victim dying due to intimate-partner violence, we'll wonder, "was that our Tamitha?"

The only way out is through. You have to walk through this. Be strong, girlfriend. YOU CAN DO THIS. ...Like I said, put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. GO. Please Go. If there was a way that I could pick you up and drive you there myself, I would. Probably we all would. So, we're with you in Spirit. Use us. Use our strength. We're all here for you. The North Star guides ships through treacherous seas and stormy weather. Follow the light.

With strong arms outstretched, Northstar

Tamitha, saying that he is being mean because it's easier so he doesn't hurt you again. My dearest, terribly confused, excuse-making girl, you have just put the nicest possible interpretation on a statement that admits that he KNOWS he will do it again. Go back up and read LeBeau's post again. You are avoiding the truth like crazy, and it's time to cowboy up and face it.

I feel so so stupid. But it doesn't make it easier. It hurts so much to look at him and smell him and love him and know that he doesn't have that capability to love. I will go.

Good for you. I hope that you find the support you need to find yourself a safe place.

I meant I will go to counseling. I can't leave home. I have 4 kids and a mortgage (that is mine and my ex-husbands whose in jail for molesting my daughter).

its a good thing that you are going to go to counselling....i think its probably a good idea to talk to them about what is going on...maybe hearing from a proffesional on this situation will help you make the very difficult decision that you need to make for you and your children..i have never been involved in dv but im sure it feels like hell!! My heart goes out to you in this very difficult time...i pray for your safety and that your bf either gets the help he needs or that you have the courage to walk away!!!

Thank you! Go to your session, and please don't hide anything from your counselor- she can't help much if you mislead her.
HE needs to leave the house, the sooner the better- Honey, you just can't raise your children with a man who would put his hands on you.... it's as damaging as if he put his hands on them, it's no good to tell yourself "He's never hurt my kids" because he did hurt them when he hurt you.
He has to go.

Another woman...who "loved" him, regardless of his abusive behavior
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/01/06/texas.slaying.ap/index.html

I'm sorry to post this, tonight's front page news item on cnn. I know that probably every woman still involved with her abuser will think "Thank God he's not that bad," but this victim thought the same thing....we survivors ALL loved our abusers, and thought that "it wasn't that bad," ...until the last time.

Here are some resources for you in your state, Tamitha, "just in case" you need them:

San Diego Domestic Violence Council: San Diego, California (http://www.sandiegodvcouncil.org/)
Provides resources, links and police contacts, and link with YWCA domestic violence help. 1200 Third Avenue, Suite 700
San Diego, CA 92101
(619) 533-6245 FAX: (619) 533-5507
San Diego Domestic Violence Hotline: (888) 305-SAFE (305-7233) YWCA: San Diego, California (http://www.ywcasandiego.org/)
YWCA-San Diego provides comprehensive programs and services for survivors and their abusers inluding sliding scale counseling, educational and support groups, shelter services and other programs geared to the abatement of domestic violence in San Diego, CA. The YWCA Counseling Center is located at 2550 Garnet Avenue and is part of the Domestic Violence Research and Training Institute/Counseling Center site in the Pacific Beach Area.The Center is located just off Interstate 5 and can be reached reached easily by car or bus. Call 619-239-0355 for more information on any of the programs.
24 Hour Hotline: (619) 234-3164
888-305-SAFE
The Women's Refuge: Berkeley, California (http://www.thewomensrefuge.org/)
Families who come to us for service are homeless for many reasons. The majority of these families are victims of domestic violence. We provide safety and security that allow these families to deal with the many issues that are involved in these situations.
The Women's Refuge
P.O. Box 3298
Berkeley CA 94703
(510) 547-4663
The Sparrow Foundation: Colton, CA (http://www.sparrowfoundation.org/)
To provide a loving, safe Christ-filled home that meets the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of women and their children who have been victims of domestic violence. To use all means necessary to assure a safe environment for the resident women and children. To provide abused women with medical help and vocational training. To help abused women and their children with emotional and spiritual healing through individual love care, counseling and prayer. To reach out separately to the abusive man and offer alcohol and drug dependency recovery and counseling with the goal of restoring families.
Phone: (909)783-8103
The Sparrow Foundation
P.O. Box 2253
Colton, CA 92324
UCLA Men and Women's Resource Center: Los Angeles, California (http://www.thecenter.ucla.edu/)
Resources, information and telephone numbers for students in the UCLA area of Los Angeles and Santa Monica.
The Center for Women and Men
Box 951453
2 Dodd Hall
Los Angeles CA 90095-1453
(310) 825-3945
Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition of Nevada County, California (http://www.nccn.net/%7Edvcoaltn/)
GRASS VALLEY and TRUCKEE CRISIS LINES
Laura's House: Orange County, CA (http://www.laurashouse.org/)
A shelter for Women and Children. South Orange County California:
24 Hour Hotline (949) 498-1511
Business Line (949) 498-1445
E-mail: information@laurashouse.org (information@laurashouse.org)
Marin Abused Women's Services (MAWS) : Marin County, CA (http://www.maws.org/)
Marin Abused Women's Services (MAWS) provides emergency hotlines, housing facilities, support groups and a men's program.
Women's English Hotline (415) 924-6616
Women's Spanish Hotline (415) 924-3456
Men's Hotline (415) 924-1070
Maitri: San Francisco, CA (http://www.maitri.org/)
Maitri is a free, confidential, nonprofit organization based in the San Francisco Bay Area, that helps South Asian women facing domestic violence, emotional abuse or family conflict. We provide peer support and referrals to legal help, emergency shelters and counselors. La Casa de las Madras: San Francisco, CA (http://www.lacasa.org/)
Offering Shelter, Advocacy and Support Services to Battered Women and their Children.
Adult Line: 1-877-503-1850
Teen Line: 1-877-923-0700
Domestic Violence Project of Santa Clara County, CA (http://www.growing.com/nonviolent/)
Comprehensive resources, contacts, hotlines and information for Santa Clara County. Includes educational/informational resources. They have over 1200 indexed links to internet resources on violence, over 100 links to relevant online journals, art by victims and award winning editorial illustrators, a 4000 item bibliography, medico-legal protocols, battered women's stories with photos, downloadable posters, essays by youth, newsletters, and more.
Center for Domestic Violence Prevention: San Mateo, CA (http://www.cdvp.org/)
Offering in-house counseling and support services to residents in our shelter program. We are committed to ending the inter-generational cycle of violence.
Business Line: 650-652-0800, Fax: 650-652-0808
Our 24-hour support line: 650-312-8515.
Women's Shelter Program: San Luis Obispo County, CA (http://www.womensshelterslo.org/)
WSP offers two distinct programs. The first program, the Emergency Shelter Program, consists of the 10 bed safe house which provides safe shelter, food and clothing to victims and their children who are in immediate danger due to domestic violence. The Emergency Shelter Program also offers counseling to women and children, advocacy with legal services and social service organizations, and case management in order to help the residents establish violence-free and economically feasible lives after they leave the shelter. The second program, geared toward domestic violence victims who are not in immediate danger, consists of support services. There are two main support services. The Center for Alternatives to Domestic Violence (CADV) is a sliding-scale counseling center which offers individual and/or group counseling to any family member affected by domestic violence. CADV also offers some group counseling and accepts Victims of Crime (VOC) funds. There are several groups offered at different sites throughout the county. CADV offers a group for Spanish speaking women and lesbians experiencing domestic violence. Groups for children, teens, and women are also offered. The second support services is the Legal Program, which consists of both a Domestic Violence Temporary Restraining Order Clinic and assistance with custody issues in domestic violence cases where the parents are unmarried. Potential clients of this program must meet certain income guidelines.
HOTLINE 800-549-8989.

You keep going, kiddo. Keep going to the counseling, keep coming here.

I meant I will go to counseling. I can't leave home. I have 4 kids and a mortgage (that is mine and my ex-husbands whose in jail for molesting my daughter).

"A SAFE PLACE" doesn't necessarily mean leaving home....it also means a place where you will feel safe to feel all of the emotions you have bottled up inside you, that you've been repressing, supressing, excusing, diminishing and denying. A safe place is where you will find clarity, where you can reclaim the part of yourself that has been beaten down, diminished, and denied. It is a place where you can just "BE." Without fear of reprisal, without the emotional and intellectual confusion inside you that your abuser's presence causes.

You may decide that you need to leave, at least temporarily, to get your head together. Regardless, you need support...from your counselor, from your friends, from other battered women, from survivors. There are so many resources available to you--all you gotta do is to reach out to them, just as you've reached out to us....

I'm SOOOOO glad you're going to see your counselor, Tamitha!! You are a beautiful woman, and stronger than you realize. You can do this! And if all else fails, maybe a trip to the beauty shop will help:
http://www.1010wins.com/pages/1379248.php?

Well, Sweetie, how did the session go?

Well, I know I'm going to disappoint you all, but I didn't go after all. I really didn't want to be questioned about this bruise. I know I need to be able to talk about this but not to somebody that may be required to report it to the police. I am doing better day by day. My BF and I are talking more and I made it clear yesterday that he was to deal with this and not ignore it and not try and blame me. He opened up for the first time (besides in letters from prison) about a lot of things. I told him no more alcohol and he needs to go to individual counseling, not just this stupid DV class that really doesn't help him.

Honey, the police already know about your bruise, don't they?

Tamitha, you can't protect him from his own behavior at the expense of your well being. That's unfair to you and unfair to your children.

Please, please, please, take care of YOU.... odds are slim that he's ever going to stop having this kind of temper and there's nothing you can do to tip those odds- everything that can be done, HE has to do, and you need to be healthy and whole and able to make good choices for yourself and your kids.
PLEASE.

TAmitha, I don't think you're stupid (you said that about yourself yesterday)...and I'm not disappointed in you.

I am, however, deeply concerned for you...and your children. You didn't tell us how old your kids are, but your abuser's behavior already has affected them whether you realize it or not, whether it's evident or not.

Children do not have the same defenses that adults have learned. ANY abuse, whether it is verbal or emotional, will adversely affect your kids!

VERBAL ABUSE (name calling, being "nasty," put-downs, insults, etc.)
http://www.verbalabuse.com/3.shtml
http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabuse.html
http://www.enotalone.com/article/2368.html
EMOTIONAL ABUSE (blaming, dis-empowering, invalidation, etc): http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html
effects upon children: http://preventchildabuse.com/emotion.htm

Children who are victims of emotional or verbal abuse, or who WITNESS verbally or emotionally abusive behavior, are at risk. They also may become abusers themselves when they grow up.

Children who live in an abusive environment are at greater risk for:
1. Delayed development
2. Personality disorders
3. Learning disabilities
4. Risky behavior
5. Drug and/or Alcohol Abuse and dependency
6. There are many more adverse effects of growing up in an abusive environment...

Another concern that I have is the fact that your ex-husband is serving time for molesting your daughter. So there already is documentation, already a paper-trail with the court/police system. Custody of your children is important to you, and you may be risking losing custody of them, in the event that the abuse you are being subjected to escalates.

These are some things that you need to think about, Tamitha.

I hope that you'll consider forming a "PLAN B."

By that, I meant that "what if your b/f physically assaults you again?" "What if it happens at your home if front of your kids?"

You need to form a plan to protect your children, "just in case."

You said:
"I am doing better day by day. My BF and I are talking more...."

But this ISN"T what you said yesterday. Go back and re-read your posts. Yesterday he was "being nasty." You said you felt stupid. A few days ago you were a basket-case.

Honey, you are diminishing his behavior, and denying the impact of ALL of this upon you, and your kids. You've made excuses, and have minimized what is really happening to you...AND TO YOUR KIDS.

You are in terrible danger, and I'm afraid for you, Tamitha. I'm worried about your kids. And I don't even know you. But you are risking their safety, and yours, as well as your custody of your children. The courts might waffle on domestic violence issues, but they take child-abuse and neglect VERY SERIOUSLY.

PLEASE reconsider seeing your counselor.

My suggestion is to call your counselor, make an appointment, and come clean. Explain the reasons why you chose not to keep your appointment last night. This will mitigate some of the situation, and it will help you to re-focus your attention on YOURSELF> AND YOUR CHILDREN. And this is truly where your attention needs to be right now, NOT ON YOUR ABUSER, OR HIS BEHAVIOR, OR HIS EXCUSES, OR HIS COUNSELING, OR HIS, HIS, HIS...ANYTHING. This is about YOU right now, and without YOU, you got nada. zip. NOTHING.

Don't lose everything you're working so hard to keep (your kids, your house, your life...everything).

FOCUS, sweetie, JUST FOCUS.

I care. We all do. Just take a step back, and really take a hard look at what you're doin'....

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS

... PAID MY DUES TO BE HERE NOW,
NORTHSTAR

Its not about us being mad or upset with you. This is about keeping you and your children safe. You should never have to hide due to the actions of another.

Even if you cant do this for YOU - do it for your kids. You dont want your children thinking that this is the way women should be treated.

I'll try to make this as short as possible. I've been on prisontalk for a while, but always supporting my BF. He has been locked up for domestic violence and violating his probation and then parole. We have lived together for 2 years. Last night was our anniversary. He hurt me for the first time. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure he is going to be violated and sent back to prison. My friend was there and called the police. She watched him drag me down the stairs by my hair and slam my face into the tile floor. I told the police that he was just trying to help me up after I fell. He wasn't home when they came. I am in such a horrible place inside.... I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. He can hardly look at me. He is not supposed to drink and we went out for New Years. I know that he is horrified by what he did. But I also know that my head is telling me that this will only get worse. God! This hurts so bad and I have no one to talk to. Somebody please tell me everything is going to be OK.
Yes, you are right. I am dealing with a VERY Similar situation, except...he violated his parole himself, but blams me for being on parole! I can't stand that "SOME" don't take responsbility, and that it is ALWAYS someone elses fault for what they did!
He is now facing going back to jail, and says it would have never happened if it weren't for me....WTF? Don't think so.
Nonetheless, hard to shake guilt even though it isn't my own...but instilled in me.

I to also have a 2(almost 3) year old daughter to raise myself. You are not alone, I only encourage you to SERIOUSLY attend Domestic Violence support groups, I have come along way from where I was, but not 100% yet, and may never be. The biggest thing I can tell you is that you ARE NOT alone, and there is HUGE power that comes from those rooms that have victims to share their experinces in there. It will give you MORE courage and strength than you have had, and encouragement to do better for you and your child.
Good luck and God BLESS!

Its not about us being mad or upset with you. This is about keeping you and your children safe. You should never have to hide due to the actions of another.

Even if you cant do this for YOU - do it for your kids. You dont want your children thinking that this is the way women should be treated.

Please, Mr./Ms Friendly DA, explain the potential impact of this situation within the court system. How would an Assistant District Attorney or a Judge view this situation, given the prior documention of child sexual abuse, and physical abuse in Tamitha's situation? What might the potential outcome be if there is another assault and the police are called/make an arrest? If this case ended up on your desk in your state, what would the likely process/outcome be?

Thanks in advance, Northstar

Tamitha, the fact that you don't want to go to counseling really says only one thing - you are afraid you will have to admit what is true. You don't need to explain the bruise - everyone knows how they happen. You need to admit that it was him, and that's what's keeping you from going there. You will have to admit that HE hurt you, and that it's going to hurt more as you have to pull away from him. We know how it hurts, but it's the kind of pain you just have to face and get through.

One thing we can be sure of - you won't die from leaving him, but you might die from living with him.

It's not about the alcohol, it's not about the courses - the odds of him stopping his abuse are so very tiny, whether he drinks or not.

And maybe you just can't emotionally leave right now, maybe that's just too much. So do little things. Keep going to your therapist, no matter what. Start doing really positive things while he's in jail - like not lying about anything at all. Not to your kids, or to yourself. Or the police, or the therapist. Honor your experience by that honesty. Honor yourself most of all. Look for work you really like and that really rewards you in some fashion (or that might be some little bit of volunteering outside regular work). Pay a little extra attention to your kids (they've been missing you while you paid too much attention to him).

Hon, this burns like fire. And you feel pathetic. Shamed, too. But it doesn't have to be like this.

Darlin', Let me ask you a really awful question...
Who will be caring for your children if you're hospitalised or worse?

I know you do not want to contemplate that, but the more I've thought about your situation, the more frightened I've become for your safety- If this guy is so unable to curb himself that he'd assault you with your friend there to see it, I am petrified of what might happen if you're alone the next time.

I just wanted to share my story. I know that it will probably have no bearing on whether or not you decide to get rid of this guy, BUT, it is a survivor story nonetheless.

I have always been in abusive relationships, in one form or another. Mostly verbal abuse, but there were two or three that were mostly physical. The last one was 4 yrs ago. The man tried to kill me the SECOND time he laid his hands on me. He beat me for falling asleep on the couch!!!!! The first time he hit me, I fought back and my son ended up seeing this take place. He was 10 months old at the time, and whether or not he remembers remains to be seen, but I know that I will never for get it. There was the usuall bullshit lines of "Oh I'm sorry and I'll never do it again, and blah blah blah." I believed him, until the next time. The next time it happened, 4 DAYS LATER, I still had the bruises from the first beating and my valiant attempt to fight him off. That time he beat me with a portable stereo cord. Have you ever been hit with one of those? I had bruises across my back the size of my fist for a month after he was arrested. I thank God every day of my life that even though I believe my brain was in shock, that I had the sense to curl into the fetal position so that he didn't get me across my face with that thing. But the beating didn't stop there. He went on to hold me down and choke me until I almost stopped breathing, and when that didn't hurt me bad enough, he held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. Let me tell you, there wasn't much I was afraid of in this world, but that night I was terrified. Not for me, but for my sleeping baby in the other room. If he killed me, where would that have left my son? Alone in the house with a killer!!!! No effing way was that about to happen. Finally, he stopped attempting to find the worst way in the world to hurt me and he passed out on the couch(yes he had been drinking heavily, he always did) and I cried myself to sleep, fearing all the while that he would come in the room and start beating me again. The next day I went to work like normal, but I didn't come home by myself. I took 5 cops with me, and they hauled his ass off. I know how hard and scary the decision can be to make someone face up to what they have done, but I know that my life means more to me than his ever did. HE made the choice to hit me, I made the choice not to let him do it again. Am I still afraid of him??? HELL YEAH!!!! BUT, that fear will not run my life. My kids will not grow up in an environment where they learn it's ok to hit women. My heart won't let me do that to them, or me. I deserve better than that, and so do you. Just my 2 cents, sorry about the long post.

You don't want any help do you? You love this kind of life. Your ex molested your child? What are you doing for that child? This man is 10 yrs younger then you. Is he paying your house payment? Is he living off of you?
I might get a A-- chewing from people but i am almost 72 yrs old, and I want to tell you right now, YOUR KIDS are the most important thing in your life. Or are they?
You need to get rid of this imature, skum bag and get your head together and take care of your children WHO needs their Mother! You can not go back and erase the pain from the molesting, BUT DAM you can do something about this situation your in. Move own before you lose those kids. Where is there real Dad? If i was the ex of someone and my kids lived in that envorment I would report you to social service and take my kids. If i was your neighbor i would!
So pull your stuff together and do as the others have said-PUT HIM OUT!

Please, Mr./Ms Friendly DA, explain the potential impact of this situation within the court system. How would an Assistant District Attorney or a Judge view this situation, given the prior documention of child sexual abuse, and physical abuse in Tamitha's situation? What might the potential outcome be if there is another assault and the police are called/make an arrest? If this case ended up on your desk in your state, what would the likely process/outcome be?

Thanks in advance, Northstar

I was going to stay away from this because I didnt want to use threats. But perhaps it would be in her best interest to fully understand the repurcussions of trying to hide from this.

We know that your little girl was molested. Thats a terrible, horrible, evil thing for a child to suffer. She needs her mom to show her what a strong woman looks like - how men should treat her - that sex is not a dirty, icky thing that only hurts. But this little girl is now seeing her mom crying with bruises on her face.

Now, onto the current situation. Now we have a man who actually physically hurts you, leaves bruises, yells and says nasty things to you. These are NOT things any child should be exposed to. And this is also where the state steps in. Its called "failure to protect" - if it seems that you are going to allow this abuser back into the home and expose himself and his violence to the children then it is truly in the best interest of the child to remove them to protect them.

This doesnt mean foster care - this may mean a family member can take them. But you and I both know that you want your babies - you love them. But so long as you are going to be in this abusive relationship the state has every right to step in and take them.

So, what does this mean? Just what all these wonderful people have been trying to tell you. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER. There is nothing so wonderful about this man that should cause you to run the risk of losing your children. And I'm not talking about days... this could be months or years and they could be split up during that time period.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - for the sake of the children let them have their mommy. Let them stay in their own beds and home with their toys and friends. Get a TPO/Bond order with a stay away. Protect yourself and your children. None of this is your fault, its all on him. He made his bad decision and now let him suffer the consequences - NOT you or your children.

I was going to stay away from this because I didnt want to use threats. But perhaps it would be in her best interest to fully understand the repurcussions of trying to hide from this.

We know that your little girl was molested. Thats a terrible, horrible, evil thing for a child to suffer. She needs her mom to show her what a strong woman looks like - how men should treat her - that sex is not a dirty, icky thing that only hurts. But this little girl is now seeing her mom crying with bruises on her face.

Now, onto the current situation. Now we have a man who actually physically hurts you, leaves bruises, yells and says nasty things to you. These are NOT things any child should be exposed to. And this is also where the state steps in. Its called "failure to protect" - if it seems that you are going to allow this abuser back into the home and expose himself and his violence to the children then it is truly in the best interest of the child to remove them to protect them.

This doesnt mean foster care - this may mean a family member can take them. But you and I both know that you want your babies - you love them. But so long as you are going to be in this abusive relationship the state has every right to step in and take them.

So, what does this mean? Just what all these wonderful people have been trying to tell you. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER. There is nothing so wonderful about this man that should cause you to run the risk of losing your children. And I'm not talking about days... this could be months or years and they could be split up during that time period.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - for the sake of the children let them have their mommy. Let them stay in their own beds and home with their toys and friends. Get a TPO/Bond order with a stay away. Protect yourself and your children. None of this is your fault, its all on him. He made his bad decision and now let him suffer the consequences - NOT you or your children.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...THANK YOU!!!

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, child abuse, and as an adult surivor of sexual assault and intimate-partner violence, I thank you from the depth of my heart. It took me thirty years to BEGIN the recovery process. The first thirty years of my life were a trail of violence, pain, homelessness and hopelessness. But I'm one of the lucky ones: I SURVIVED. I can use my experiences to SPEAK OUT AGAINST ABUSE. Children have no voice, but I can be their voice. WE can be their voice. Most children and victims are not so fortunate. Many of them end up in the morgue. Thank you for being here, Ms/Mr Friendly DA....

Tamitha, PLEASE stop trying to protect this abusive SOB...and start PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN. You're all they've got. You are risking not only losing them, but you are risking their lives by your refusal to be accountable. THEIR WELFARE AND SAFETY MUST BE FIRST.

Don't give up, honey. They need you. We need you to be safe. You all are in terrible danger and I'm guessing that everyone who has posted in this thread is with me on this point. These posts actually make me cry. Because I already know that the chances of you listening are not good. And that's the "norm" of family violence. Most victims DON'T LISTEN...they lose their kids, their homes, their jobs...and often, their lives.

You need to get real with your self. If your abuser kills you, and your kids are present, chances are VERY GOOD THAT HE'LL KILL THEM TOO....

IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT???

Tam, you have a huge problem & it isn't him its you.do you realize that your putting your children in danger just by them watching & just maybe one of those days while his beating you up he'll turn on that child that tries to save you.have you ever thought the damage that your doing to those childrens minds.there is nothing that you can do to save this man unless he knows himself he needs help, its called "Anger Management", & there is a good book for you to read titled 'women that love to much' get it you just might undrestand youself better,its an eye opener. take this advice Tam i'm old & i've been around the block a few which doesn't mean a darn thing but i'm right about this one

I will update you all later. Right now I have a huge amount of thinking to do. And yes, I very much appreciate all of you even you Boflipflops, who says I don't want help. I do. I just need to do this right. Yes, I'm struggling with the fact that I love this man and I do believe in him. That may be blind but I am truely trying to keep my heart and mind in check. As far as the children's father, my oldest and the one who was molested(16) never knew her father until recently, and he's too busy being self centered and arrogant to care. The others (9, 8 & 3) well their father is the one doing time for molesting my oldest. My younger children know nothing of the abuse and all 4 love my BF very much. In fact, the oldest calls him the father she never had. So, there is more here than just the fact that I love him. Yes, he helps enormously with the mortgage and the bills. The plain fact is right now, without him, we will loose our home. He doesn't drink, there is no alcohol in the house, he doesn't go anywhere but work without me. I feel 100% confident he will never hurt me or the kids sober. As far as the other night......yes, it's true, I don't know who the man who hurt me was, and if he ever drinks even a little again, I will gather all of the children and leave. I will not put us in jeapordy. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, I hear myself. But please, don't give up on me and keep giving me your words of support, advice and even the ones that aren't my favorite to read.

Honey, we're not about to give up on you- we just don't want YOU to give up on you!

Kiddo, we don't give up! We just sit here, waiting, hoping, dispensing hugs, swats and info as needed.

Since you feel economically unable to support the house and kids, start figuring a way out of that. Whether it be finding a good roommate (I did that for years) or moving to a place that you can afford, or taking courses to improve your salary possibilities, try something. Otherwise,if it happens again you STILL won't have a way out.

That is exactly what I'm trying to do. When my ex is sentenced, I'll have a better idea. Because when he gets out I can get child support for the 3 kids and I am filing this week for child support for the older. I also am putting my feelers out to teach a night class. I make pretty decent money, it just never seems enough when you are financially carrying 4 children by yourself. As far as moving....well my mortgage is less than rent would be for a decent sized home or even apartment. And I do have family that would take me and my kids in in an instant. I will never be homeless. I'm just trying to keep my kids where they are. They are in counseling and have friends and I don't want them to have to give any of that up. They need to continue to feel secure at home.

I believe that ingesting alcohol only curbs any inhibitions of what truly exists inside...after enough, the guard goes down. Sounds like TNT to me. Can you really babysit his every move? You say the youngest do not know about the abuse...which case were you referring to - your b/f's party punch(ing), or the previous pervert? You are aware of what you need to do for the sake of your kids. You just need to get there before it is too late. They are your life, not the $$$ that the b/f brings in. There is no price on their well-being...got it? And cry if you must - in private, away from the kids, but show them by example, not dependence on someone like that. But when you do take those steps, be verrrry careful. Make solid plans and stay away from any further possible explosions, I am not kidding! You will get through the financial, and you will be proud when you do take the steps and accomplish what is necessary.

Really, I am praying for your strength and safety.

First thing i want to say is are you ok? How are you feeling? or are you hurt still? Than i need to tell you that one of my best friends went though this for 10 years and it was hard for everyone to sit and watch everything that was going on and she always believed he would change and it kept getting worse and worse until one day he hurt her and her son and she finally left and hated that it took her child getting hurt to finally realize what she had to do. and let me tell you now she is married and her husband treats her like a princess and loves her child and she thanks god everyday that she has him. She once thought she would never be happy again turns out she never knew happy until now.

Tamitha...

Your life is good, for the most part, certainly doin' better than many of the folks here in PTO....

Yes, it's good, and you're okay...except for this one little thing....

But I'm hearing something else. First you tell us that your b/f beat the crap out of you, and that the police were called. Then you tell us that he's not abusive. Then you tell us that he has two prior felonies for domestic assault. Then you tell us that he's never hurt you before. Then you tell us that he pushed you down a year ago. Then you tell us how sweet he's being to you. Then you tell us he's being nasty. Then you tell us that there's no liquor in the house and that he doesn't drink...then you tell us that he's only abusive when he drinks....then you tell us you can't leave because you have kids and a mortgage. Then you tell us that he's the biggest help in the world, and such a sweetheart that your kids think he's the daddy they never had....

Do you see the pattern here?

You've been going to counseling for a reason...because you've been going. You didn't tell us whether this was voluntary or court ordered....

One thing that I DO know is that when victims of child-sexual abuse or family violence become adults, they often blame their primary caretaker (parent or step-parent usually) for not protecting them. Also, many times the mother "knew" on some level what was happening, but failed to protect because of not wanting to lose the 1) relationship with the father/new boyfriend
or 2) needing the financial provider....

I'm confused. What story is the real one? You were singing a different tune in your original post.....this is very much a textbook example of family violence....I'm not buyin' the fairy tale you're tryin' to sell here. I've heard this all before, with EVERY victim I've ever spoken to, heard from, or read about....You can't sell me ocean-front property in Arizona, hon, 'cuz I already own acres of that stuff myself. Been there, done that. It ain't real.

You still haven't told us whether you're going back to see your counselor or not.... I'm guessin' that you're going to wait until the bruise(s) disappear, and then spin another story about why you missed the session(s)....

I'm takin' a hard line with you, because I really want to help you. I'm saying this with love in my heart, but steel in my voice. I'm figurin' that I'm one of the ones whose posts you probably don't like to read. Well, I did tell you that you'll probably end up hating me, and that's okay. I'm gonna be right here in your face, because I care so much about you that it pierces me, that it makes me wring my guts out, here in front of everyone. I'm an extremely private person, and if you read most of my posts in every forum within PTO, you'll see that I rarely, if ever, discuss my personal business. This thread is the 2nd time I've revealed my childhood sexual abuse. The first time was in another forum, and although I was fine at the time, within a few hours I was curled up in a fetal postion on the floor, reliving the whole damn thing, re-experiencing the whole damn hell I've lived through...(I emailed a moderator in the middle of the night and begged to have the post removed...which, unbelievably, she did for me...luckily she is/was a survivor, too, 'cuz otherwise I'd be in a rubber room someplace) PTSD is a vicious horrible experience....it's like a disease you can't cure, the demon you can't kill...and I pray with all of my heart that it's not something that your kids will thank you for some day in their future....

DENIAL. Tamitha, you're in denial.

Call your counselor and prove me wrong.

Tougher than steel, Northstar

Money shouldnt be a consideration here. Money doesnt help your kids if you wind up in the hospital or worse. Call your bank, tell them your situation and see if they will help you. Speak to the counselor and see if there are any funds available to help you out. If you need to, go knock on the door at the nearest church and ask them to take up a collection for an anonymous mother of 4 who needs to get out of a dangerous situation.

You are clearly intelligent and resourceful. Use what you have to get away from this. You shouldnt be babysitting this man. You have 4 children, not 5. He is grown and can take care of himself and if he cant then you dont need him!

We all make excuses for things when we dont want to face the truth. Its the old "I gained 20 pounds eating mcdonalds because I had a bad week" syndrome. The "because" doesnt matter - its the 20 pounds - they are going to be there no matter what the reason was. THIS MAN HURT YOU MORE THAN ONCE - "because" doesnt matter - lose him.

Northstar,
Your real. Tamitha my daughter was sexual abused by her stepfather also!
I got the hell out of dodge. Money or not I was going to survive. Guess what?
Even after she got grown 34 yrs old she accused me of letting this happen!
I did not no. But being the attentive mother i was i noticed her panties own backwards, something i always made sure they were put on right. I ask her did she wet the bed? No! I said then why is the front to the back? I put them own right last night! They then told me. I left the SOB with 4 daughters. You hear me? 4! 3 yr old -5 -7-10. I had nothing but my children and they meant everything to me. I made it. But you no what?
That daughter is now 52 and she--Like Northstar said still carrys the abuse around. She is a wonderful person is sorry she said what she did to me. But one day your daughter will grow up and she will vent this anger at you even when you do all you can for them. But it was easier for me to take her verbual lashing, because i sat her down and we talked about that day long. long ago.
Guess what? Your other children will no about this oldest one being molested. They do talk. But Mommy don't no it.
I do not no what you will do, but someday when you get older you will say, Why did I put up with that crap! How do you no he want molest your other children?
Never be too trusting when it comes to your children. You never loved anymore than the rest of us. I have never been hit by a man, but i tell you one thing, IF i ever had been Lord help him.
Money is not everything. THINGS can be replaced BUT not our Children.
I had a wonderful 3rd husband who i dated for 3 yrs was married too for 35 yrs, (38 yrs together)until he died of CJD (Human form of Mad Cow Disease)6 yrs ago.
I was going to make sure i did not make a mistake again. MY Girls meant the world to him and me. He was everything to them. But first I had to Learn to Trust again--Then Respect-- Then came My Love for him.
Wirhout that you have nothing. I wanted better for us, They had enough in there life so i made it for them.
I am with Northstar I do not put my life out here but you just need to read Sokie story and if that don't get to you Nothing will.
God Bless you and i pray for your children. I pray you will be able to take the Mud slinging from your own Child someday. It will come. All the counsling want stop her pain. But you can stop it from here own. The past is the past, But we learn from it. It still comes back to haunt us.
Just be honest with your self. What does your family think about this. Oh my brothers would tear him a new ground if someone hit me. I have 5 grandson, and it would be a butt whipping. We only care. Stay safe and i will not post again to your post. Someday you can say--That Old Lady Bo- SHE HAD HER ACT TOGETHER. But you have to go thru the storms of life to see the rainbows.
That why I am,
Tougher then steel

Thank you for sharing. Let me back up a little bit. I was a single mom with my first daughter until she was in Kindergarten. I met and married a man I thought I loved I think out of trying to give my child a family. We were together almost 10 years (only married for 3). We had 3 children together. The molestation I've talked about was very minor.There was never any kind of penatration. He touched her breasts & butt & put her hand on his bare front! Wow that was actually hard to say. I'm not minimizing what he did, just clarifying. As soon as I knew about it, our marriage was instantly over. She has never seen him since. His children, however, got weekend visits initially, until the investigation (with my help) put him in jail facing 10 felonies. He's been there for 2 years and has pleaded to 1 felony and is looking at 3-6 years. I will never ever trust this man with my children. And I'm very clear when I speak to him that they are mine not ours. During this time my life went from "normal" to a crazy downward spiral. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I go to counseling by choice, but it will eventually be paid for by my ex through restitution. My daughter also went through counseling and we have already worked through the "why didn't you protect me". It was hard but we're good and very very close. The other kids know about this. What they don't know is anything about my current BF hurting me. My children feel protected by him and are terrified of loosing him. My oldest does know, she was there, and she is the one begging me to work it out cause she feels safe with him. She's actually mad at both of us for going out drinking when she told us not to! I know she is just a child but she is very smart. A made sure that she understood that no matter how she feels, what she saw on New Years was NOT OK. She wants us to work it out but I told her that I don't know if that is a reality cause I can't fix him he has to and I have to fix me.

I have to say one more thing Tamitha,
So was my child. Only touching. But when they grow up---
They have a hard time trusting again-anyone. My daughter has raised 3 wonderful collige graduates, BUT she is still damaged.

And what does your daughter know about the time before that?

She saw that too which is why she didn't want us to drink.

So this man is the second abusive man your daughter has lived with. The only male role models she's had are abusers. Of course she doesn't want him to go, she has no idea what living with a man who is not an abuser is like. And maybe living with a man who beats her mother feels safer than living with a man who molests her, but it in no way means this abuser is an acceptable role model for her.

Living with abusive men is the "normal" she knows. It's what she's about to take with her as she enters into adulthood, and she's in terrible danger of repeating the pattern in her own life. If you let this abuser stay in her life, your daughter probably will be making excuses and hiding bruises of her very own in just a few years.

And no matter what justifications we come up with, this man IS an abuser. There's no other word for it. He's beaten past women in his life, and he beat you LAST WEEK.

Why would it matter that your daughter wants you to stay with this abuser? It's counter to her best interest, and to the best interests of your other children, that they be any where near this abuser. You're the adult, and that means making decisions that keep your children safe, whether they like those decisions or not.

Please, please, please get this abuser away from your children. You can't fix him, and you have no business sacrificing your children so you can try.

Good luck, and stay safe.

Tamitha, there are several things that I want you to hear, important things that you need to know.

First of all, chances are very great that your daughter was molested more than once. You only happened to find about the LAST time..You simply don't know about the other times. From a clinical psychological perspective, men who molest children have a pathology of sexually abusing children. You got lucky, hon, plain and simple. Because you caught him. But I'm sure that he wouldn't tell you if it had happened more than once. You'll never know.

You said her molestation was "minor" and that there was "no penetration." For her it was NOT MINOR...penetration is an ADULT CONCEPT...to a child, it's all the same horror. They cannot distinguish between "improper touching," "oral sex" or "penetration."

Because of her age, your daughter most likely doesn't remember the other events. It's called repression. Most children never remember what happened to them after the fact. What happens is that they bury it so deeply inside of themselves in order to make it go away. It's horrible to be a child and feel like you've done something so incredibly BAD that you're beyond redemption. This is a major reason WHY kids DON'T TELL ANYONE what is happening/has happened to them. And even if she did remember, she wouldn't tell you at that age because of the trauma involved and the repurcussions and events following your discovery. (Also, kids at that stage of development do not have the words or the skills to verbalize what is happened to them when it happens. By the time you found out and began questioning her, chances are VERY GOOD that she'd already repressed the memories of other events if they happened...unfortunately, this is the nature of child-sexual abuse.)

What happened to her and to you once you found out? HER FATHER WENT AWAY. Your family was destroyed, your dream of being a family ended the moment you saw the truth.

She cannot and will not allow this to happen AGAIN, so she is trying with everything she knows, to keep your abusive b/f, her "Daddy" in her life and to keep your family together.

As she matures and begins to have sexual relationships, there is a very good chance that:
1. She will engage in risky behavior (unprotected sex, teen pregnancy, etc.)
2. She may become promiscuous, which in turn could lead to poor choices in partners. She may be raped or sexually assaulted (common in survivors of childhood sexual abuse as they enter into adulthood.)
3. She has a high risk for drug addiction and alcohol abuse
4. She very likely will choose partners who will be verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.
5. She will ALWAYS carry her scars within herself, and this will affect her for the rest of her life, haunting her whether she walks the path of recovery or not, whether she deals with it in a positive fashion or not.
6. Her childhood sexual abuse will affect her abilities to make healthy choices for herself.
7. It will impact the manner in which she chooses to raise her own children if she decides to bear them.

For you, her sexual abuse ended when you left the relationship. For her it will never end.

Your b/f and your daughter are not very far apart in terms of their ages (she's 16 and he's 27...or thereabouts?). This is very dangerous, given her budding sexuality and his inability to control himself, his need to control you. PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL....If anything ever happened between the two of them, you'd never know about it....or at least not until it's too late.

I am not trying to blame you for what happened to her in the past. But I am trying to show you a different perspective....the bigger picture. Take a long hard look before it's too late. ...

Light dispels darkness,
Northstar

Now is a very good time to show your daughter that men are not mandatory to happiness or safety.
I am horror stricken that your adolescent daughter apparently thinks that it's okay for a man to hit his partner and that she even knows enough about the situation to know alcohol was any factor breaks my heart.
At her age, her only objections to you going out should center on the dangers of drunk drivers on the road and should be in the form of quotes from school lectures.

You got her away from a molester- good for you (though sooner or later, she's gonna throw a vase at your head for calling it "minor"- the fact that there was no penetration, does not really minimize the damage done)

Now, be the parent again, and remove her and her siblings from the danger they're now in- not of getting beaten by your partner, but the danger of getting trained that this is normal, that it is okay for a household to harbour violence... You're teaching them what relationships are supposed to be, do you really want the lesson to be that "Bruises are ok"?

Bo, please don't stop posting in this thread because Tamitha didn't like what you had to say. ...It's your "tough love" that is very much needed here right now....

And I NEED YOU. Let your voice ring out loud and clear. You have much to say, Lady, and your experiences will help light the path here. "When the student is ready the teacher appears"...

Like I said already, Tamitha probably already hates me, but that only means that we're getting closer...we're hitting too close to home. I don't care if she hates my guts, because I still care about her. And I really mean this, Tamitha.

I'm sorry that I momentarily confused your two posts about the molestation and I edited the "underwear on backwards" part out of my last post....but to me, it's all the same. I AM HER KINDERGARTEN AGE DAUGHTER. I remember every year of school, from nursery school until I finished college. BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ONE SINGLE DAMN THING ABOUT FIRST GRADE, NOT EVEN WHO MY TEACHER WAS....I repressed an entire year of my life and can't recover the memories. This is normal for victims of child-sexual abuse. But it's like a blank space that has haunted my entire life...

Just a quick note to say I absolutely do not hate or resent any of you. I appreciate and need all of your posts. I know I sound wishy washy and I know I'm not willing to leave him yet but I don't want you guys to let me forget what can happen or what is happening! God, I sound crazy.

It's a crazy situation, Darlin'... I'll support you feelin' crazy as much as you need.... but I will keep reminding you that the craziness will end sooner than you think possible if you get this guy out of your life.
You can't fix him but you can provide a stable, safe home for you and your kids if you accept that he's not a viable member of your household.

Tamitha - I'd like to go back to the idea of you attending counseling. I know you think it's about this incident, but I think, if you can manage it, it should be about a lot more. Because you're creating relationships with men who are seriously bent, if not broken. More than anything else, you would do well to explain why to yourself, and that journey is best undertaken with someone who has a map. That's what therapists are good for - they have the map. Many of them have been to some awful places themselves, others are just caring, interested people who got into a profession intended to be a helping one. You are one of the ones they went through all that schooling to help.

You're afraid of her scorn, afraid she might think badly of you? Sweets, she is waiting for you, so she can use the skills she worked so hard to learn. It may be hard to walk through that door, but once you are there, you get to learn so much. And you deserve to learn it, and to repair the anger and sorrow and rage and self-abuse you've been through.

Go say hello.

Tamaitha, isn't mad at me. No your not sounding crazy. Your afraid of being alone.
Northstar I am not going anywhere. We all need each other. I feel you.
My daughter Tamitha is Living like Northstar said--There are things in her life she has shut out that year. It was ONLY minor--But Northstar no its not minor to a child. It is as you say -It haunts you all your life.
I only had a H/S diploma but knew that my Children come first.
I worked at Holiday Inn as a waitress. We made it. Kids need ONE Parent who will be there for them. If they can't have Mom and Dad, Then we as parents have to fight tooth and nail for them. To Heck with Love for a Man or Women. We never get to OLD for Love Later. When I look at my grandchildren and children I can lay my head down at night and No I made the best decision in the world for THEM.

Would you consider bringing your children to counseling as well? Especially your daughter, maybe she should go with you to group one night so she can speak about why he should stay. Perhaps if she hears from others that its not in her best interests she will be more receptive.

Tamitha, I was married for 20 years to the love of my life, he had always had a quick temper, but when he got hooked on meth he started beating me, he was almost psychotic. He broke my nose, kidnapped me, got a year in jail and we divorced. During my divorce I met my ex boyfriend through my divorce attorney (he sold our house during the divorce) and he romanced me during one of the most painful and horrific times of my life. I fell in love with him and within 9 months started abusing me. This went on for a year and a half, he would hurt me, go to jail, I WOULD BAIL him out, etc. Finally he broke my ribs in Aug 2008 and kept me in a locked bedroom naked and beat me for two days. He was just sentenced to 2 years state prison. My ex husband and I are now great co parents together (he is sober of course) and he is very supportive of me and his sons. So I have closure there. With the boyfriend I still yearn for him on occasion but through therapy for me, and knowing that how bad the last injuries were, the next time he would kill me if I let him. My sons and your daughter are going to suffer greatly if we dont break the cycle for them. My boys could become abusive and your kids could act out, or become victims or abusers.You have to protect them first, We are our babies only protectors, be a lioness and also love yourself. I hated and loathed myself for years because of beleiving my abusers hateful and derogatory remarks, Love yourself honey, dont let anyone hurt you. Its so hard to stop the victims cycle within this craziness but you can! God Bless You and your daughter

Tamitha I just finished reading this whole thread and felt drawn to write to you as the other very wonderful supportive people of this site already have. They have covered all the bases with you in an attempt to break through the denial that you are protecting yourself with.

You have a huge amount on your plate, that is clear to see. I imagine that you feel scared and worried about how you will make it without him on many fronts. And you feel you love him.

The previous posters have been pleading with you to get out of this relationship and to protect your children. As one poster pointed out you could be charged with failure to protect in the future.

After all of this, it seems you are still not able/willing to even trust your therapist with what is going on. By the way, therapists (at least in CA are not mandated to report spousal abuse, domestic violence). I believe doctors are. So your therapist is a safe person to talk to.

I am going to ask you this, will you just keep coming here and talking and reporting to us? Will you not run away, because this is hard to hear and do? If you can't make this decision right now, will you at least commit to staying in touch with a group of people that know what they are talking about, have a host of resources and hearts as big as the sky. Will you just do that? That is a good start.

BTW....I've lived through abusive relationships and I won't bore you with my story but I can tell you...it does affect your children, it does cause PTSD, which is a bitch to live with and you can get help and you can get better and you can get over him and you can have healthy self-esteem that can say no to anyone that mistreats you or your children. And to do that you will need support, professional counseling and time. We honestly, sincerely care about you. Please, think about just staying here and talking to us....you shared this for a reason. And somewhere inside you, you know that. You know that it there is a problem or you wouldn't have made a plea for help. You may not know how to navigate your way out, yet. But, if you stay and soak in the support and wisdom of the many poster's here it is likely to sneak up on ya and help you......Take Good Care of You.........~Cat

Tamitha, we won't let you forget and we don't think you are crazy. We've been there. sokie

Tamitha, since when is a little girl having her bare bottom touched by a grown man not that serious? I understand you left him right away and thank you for that, but I'm getting irritated reading this...You can't go back and fix what happened to your oldest daughter, but you can prevent something horrible from happening to your youngest children. I find it really hard to believe that your 16 year old daughter wants you to work it out w/ him after she saw what he did to you? I don't care if you have nothing more than the clothes on your back, you need to get the hell out of there. I don't care if you have to put all of your kids in a one bedroom apartment, you need to get the hell out of there. You're allowing your kids to be in a dangerous situation and that's just wrong. It's one thing if you have no children and you wanna stay w/ someone who beats the hell out of you, but one of these days his violence is going to turn to your children. Ask yourfriendlyda, I'm sure she sees it every day. Or, turn the news on, because I see it everyday. I can't imagine why on earth you think it's ok to leave your children in this situation? Because you have a mortgage? So your house is more important than the safety and welfare of your children? Because you love him? Because some abusive SOB is more important than your children? Stop thinking about him, stop thinking about material things, stop thinking about yourself even. Think about your kids who are too young and innocent, they can't protect themselves. They count on you to do what's best for them and what you're doing isn't best for them. I can tell you with certainty, he's going to hurt you again. You said if he never drinks again you'll be fine. So your banking your life on the fact that he'll never drink again? That's quite a gamble. Pretty soon he'll be hitting you when he's sober.
YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION!! Nothing is more important than your children. Think about them.

I wonder if there is a specific question/problem/thought etc. that is particularly troubling you in leaving this situation. Maybe if we all put our heads together we can help you brainstorm a way around it.

I think that deep down, in your heart, you know the danger that you and your children are in. No one wants to leave a situation because even though things can get bad you know how they are. The fear of uncertainty can be worse that the fear of him.

SO, what can we do to help you?

OMG, sweetie get him away from you and your children!!
I CAN not believe you would stay this long, I have read this whole thread since 12am...It actually makes me sick to my stomache to actually hear YOU say that YOUR DAUGHTER AND CHILDREN are begging you to keep that man there, I DO NOT believe that!! im sorry im not here to put you down sweety but like some of the post in here said you are posting different thing everytime u post, and i also believe YOU are in denial!!!

YOU NEED HELP YOURSELF!! and EVERY SINGLE person in here that posted has told you the same thing..
YOU MUST know that he is abusing you (and its not right)or you would of never came to a domestic thread to post this........ you really need to talk to someone!

Once a abuser always abuser!!
I ALSO BEEN THERE!!
Please for the sake of children leave this man, or let your children go be with other family members, cause its true he is doing things to you that can get your children taking off of you, i hope u undersdtand that!! NEXT TIME IT MIGHT NOT BE YOU AND MIGHT BE ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN THAT HE ABUSES?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?
i canT believe you are waiting to take the risk of losing your children and losing YOUR own life!!


I know i shouldnt say that but iam anyhow( please forgive me)
But if I KNEW you PERSONALYor even a neighbor, i would of already gotten you out of the house into a womens shelter where I know u would of been safe, and if you didnt like that idea i would of spoke to someone about this.. again im not here to put you down, IM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN'S WELFARE!!!

MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOUR CHILDREN AND GOD BE WITH YOU!

I wonder if there is a specific question/problem/thought etc. that is particularly troubling you in leaving this situation. Maybe if we all put our heads together we can help you brainstorm a way around it.

I think that deep down, in your heart, you know the danger that you and your children are in. No one wants to leave a situation because even though things can get bad you know how they are. The fear of uncertainty can be worse that the fear of him.

SO, what can we do to help you?

Sadly, there is NOTHING we can do for Tamitha. She must DO FOR HERSELF.

Unfortunately, this is the dynamic of abuse. Aside from the core power and control issues, abuse is a form of addiction. Think of the b/f as a drug. His substance (or lack thereof) feeds her habit...

A drug habit never starts out as an "abuse." Drugs initially make the user FEEL GOOD. They elevate the heart-rate, boost metabolism, and spark all of those delicious endorphins funning up and down your spine, just like a good workout, or brisk walk in the woods.... "falling in love" is very much like being introduced to drugs, alcohol, or sex...it's a rush..that makes your spirits soar, heats up your veins, and makes your heart race. Love is a drug. I'm not saying that "love" is bad, because drugs are not always bad, either. WE use drugs to treat everything from PMS to sprained ankles or breast cancer....

...Why do people do drugs? Because it makes them feel good. What's wrong with feeling good, if it doesn't hurt anyone? For example, people have all kinds of illnesses that require drugs or pain medication. For them, drugs are healing, life-saving/life-enhancing, power-boosting experiences....but when drugs become the focus to the exclusion of those things and everything else, they become damaging and harmful...when a person is harming themselves and others through their drug use, they're ADDICTED....

I don't want to get into a huge discussion about drug laws and their impact upon the judicial and penal systems in the US, but drugs are a huge part of American life and culture, from the tiniest tablet of asprin or ibuprofin to the largest of pharmacutical companies and their influence in political agendas and social life and public policy...the connection from the corporate oxycontin pusher down to the street-dealer is a straight line...but I don't want to take that tangent here
(though that would be a good thread if no one's already started it: the connection with and similarity between addiction and family violence...)....

Most people in the US from Obama to Falwell, have had some kind of experience with drug use and/or drug addiction, so I'm just trying to point out that there are forces at work that are bigger than Tamitha's will to end this relationship. Addiction is the monkey on the back here.

Tamitha is an addict. She is addicted to this situation and to her abuser. I'm sorry to speak to you in the third-person, Tamitha, but it's true. You're an addict...a JUNKIE....you can't get enough of this fix, and you're willing to do ANYTHING to get it. Even sacrifice your kids. Sell your soul...die.

Everything that you're trying to keep, you're gonna lose.

"I caught you knockin'
at my cellar door
I love you, baby,
can I have some more
Ooh, ooh, the damage done.

sing the song
because I love the man
I know that some
of you don't understand
Milk-blood
to keep from running out.

I've seen the needle
and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
like a settin' sun...."

You think you're holdin' it down, but you're not. You think you're makin' the right decision to stay in the situation, to try to keep things staus-quo, but in the end you're gonna fall so hard there's a good chance you ain't never gonna get up.

You need to get yourself clean. I don't care if that means a 12 step program, trips to your therapist, or whatever it takes.

You need to get clean.

OMG, sweetie get him away from you and your children!!
I CAN not believe you would stay this long, I have read this whole thread since 12am...It actually makes me sick to my stomache to actually hear YOU say that YOUR DAUGHTER AND CHILDREN are begging you to keep that man there, I DO NOT believe that!! im sorry im not here to put you down sweety but like some of the post in here said you are posting different thing everytime u post, and i also believe YOU are in denial!!!

YOU NEED HELP YOURSELF!! and EVERY SINGLE person in here that posted has told you the same thing..
YOU MUST know that he is abusing you (and its not right)or you would of never came to a domestic thread to post this........ you really need to talk to someone!

Once a abuser always abuser!!
I ALSO BEEN THERE!!
Please for the sake of children leave this man, or let your children go be with other family members, cause its true he is doing things to you that can get your children taking off of you, i hope u undersdtand that!! NEXT TIME IT MIGHT NOT BE YOU AND MIGHT BE ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN THAT HE ABUSES?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?
i canT believe you are waiting to take the risk of losing your children and losing YOUR own life!!


I know i shouldnt say that but iam anyhow( please forgive me)
But if I KNEW you PERSONALYor even a neighbor, i would of already gotten you out of the house into a womens shelter where I know u would of been safe, and if you didnt like that idea i would of spoke to someone about this.. again im not here to put you down, IM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN'S WELFARE!!!

MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOUR CHILDREN AND GOD BE WITH YOU!

DITTO, and I HAVE NOT MET AN ADULT YET THAT SAID," I HATE MY MOM FOR KICKING OUT OUR DAD FOR BEATING AND ABUSING HER" Please you need help! AND THESE KIDS DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS... Children want to be loved and they only know as children they are SUPPOSE TO LOVE HIM. GO BACK TO MY FIRST LINE IN THIS AND READ AGAIN.
Read the statistics....He may be raising them by himself someday if he hurts you to no return... Don't do that to them.
Good Luck.

First of all, let me start with something very important to me. My oldest daughter. When I said that what happened to her was 'minor' most of you took it wrong. I believe what happened to her was horrible and no child should go through it. She has been to counseling. She insists she is fine. Her counselor actually said that she has dealt with it very well. I do think she should still go but she's 16 and absolutely doesn not want to go. I forced it for a while but when her counselor backed her up what could I do? I guess when I said it was 'minor' I meant in comparison to raped children and children forced to perform oral sex and beaten and killed. Do you understand? I do not take my childrens safety lightly. You all know as well as I do that the odds of anything happening anytime soon are pretty rare. I've already talked to the oldest and told her I didn't think it was going to work out and would she be OK in a smaller home sharing a room with me and her baby sister. She wants it to work out but is very real about what she saw. I remind her whenever she says 'but Mom, he was drunk' that it in no way was OK, no matter what. I do need time to figure this out. Yes, I love him. I'm not going to deny that. I pray to God everyday that he's OK and can someday have a normal life. But yes, everyday I'm trying to push my heart away from him.....does that make sense?

My ex is scheduled for sentencing next week. Hopefully that will help me get some closure. Even though we are divorced, the property part of the divorce has not been settled. I can't map out my future until I know what is happening..... I swear it's making me crazy. It's not just about money, or the house. It's about stabilitly for my children. The best move is not always as clear as it seems.

I think I started to snap back into what my therapist called 'survival mode' the last couple of days. That's where I kinda function like a robot. Doing what is absolutely necesary and avoiding the stress of the big picture. Now I'm trying to convince myself I'm better without him. I try and think of the positive to him leaving over the negative. Sometimes I actually think about having him read this so he can truely see what is going on in my head, but I feel like this is my only truely real and private place.

You know, another thing I haven't shared is the fact that I have been wanting to start cutting myself again. He has always been very protective and can not stand it when I hurt myself. He is the one who got me to stop. I am so afraid that without that accountability I'll start again. I have a box cutter hidden and I think about it all the time but I know he'll be mad if I do it so I don't.

OK. Now that you all know how truely crazy I am I'll go back to work. I love you all.

I have been introduced to people who are 'cutters' or 'EMO's' since this whole thing sent me into the clinic. I don't understand this but I have met a few. What does hurting yourself do for you? (That is a real question, I am not trying to be sarcastic)
There are a lot of us on this board reading and keeping up with what you are going threw. You are not alone and we care about you. ((hugs)) sokie

The cutting thing is hard to explain other than it is like a release. I don't truely understand it myself. My therapist said that it is not too different than punching a wall (I've done that too).

It also might have something to do with controlling the pain I'm having. I don't have control over the emotional pain but I can control the physical pain. Does that make any sense?

Thank you for being honest with me. The one emotion I have trouble controling is fear after the sun goes down so I have been know to sleep under my bed or in the closet. :confused: I know that sounds childish but it makes me feel safe that I cannot be seen. So don't be thinking you are crazy :no: take a look around. ;)

Maybe if I had that kind of fear, it would be easier to leave him. The problem is that I'm not afraid of him and I especially do not feel he would ever harm the children. I am more afraid of my ex when he gets out. He blames me for him being incarcerated so long. He was originally looking at 45-life. He will try to see the kids and will most likely get some kind of visitation. I've heard that with these kind of cases if it is within the family they go easier on the abuser. How stupid is that!?!

:shrug: I do not have the answers for you about visitation because my Pamela did not make it but I would fight like there is no tomorrow if I thought she would be in danger or I would be in danger over 'his parental rights'. That is just down right scary.
And nah, you don't want my fears. :shake: Its just enough to get to go to clinic and everything in your life examined....not fun at all.

The Lord never gives us more than we can handle.

I am glad you believe that. Everything in my life is being tested, even my faith. Because the Bible tells you that everything is God's will and God has a plan. At the same time it tell you that God is a merciful God so believe and your prayers will be answered....what happened with his plan for us is all I am asking? Were we not worthy? Did I not believe enough? Why were we punished in such a way? I have many questions and very few answers. I understand it was by my choice that our life's were changed forever but the fact still remains that I was given a little more the I could handle. :shrug: And this isn't a pity party that I am on. :shake: What happened to us has me very much questioning my faith, my beliefs and everything now in my life.

God is a merciful God. You are worthy as was Pamela. She was so worthy in fact that the Lord let her skip all this crap and be with him watching over you. Maybe God felt you needed an angel more than you needed her here at the time. Who knows?? If we don't go through the things we do we wouldn't be who we are and frankly I've really needed you and you wouldn't be here if not for the path you took. Wow, did that sound selfish?!? :) I don't have all of the answers or even very many of them. But I refuse to believe that God would abandon any of us.

Sokie,
I am trying not to be preachy, but "sharey". I was taught that God gives us free will of choices. I believe that anything that is not of God is of the devil...seems to be very busy these days! Your cross was/is too heavy for any one person to carry. You have many to help you with the weight. You alone feel that ultimate loss. I questioned what I had experienced relative to my faith. Perhaps the best part of this relative to faith, is that ultimately you will be united - after you are done with whatever you have to get done here on earth. Most likely, you're going to be a while! Just in such a short time, you have grown in so many ways. Good does come out of suffering...the first time I heard a clergyman say these words, I paused and took them in. I get what he meant.

Hang in there, don't let go, keep going, you rock!

Tamitha, I'm really worried about you and your family. Cutting is a very serious sign of loss of control - you're transferring your emotional chaos into physical to attempt to gain control. Yes, the endorphins released by the pain makes you feel good - but it goes a lot deeper than just that.

Its time to grab the reigns. This isnt about what your daughter "wants". Shes a child and you are her mother. If living in a bedroom with her baby sister is what is required to keep her safe then thats what needs to be done. You say that there is not a likelihood of anything happening again - why is that? Domestic violence isnt a "rational" act. Its the act of an aggressive, out of control, selfish individual. This isnt a lightning striking twice situation because it already has.

Please - seek help. Even if you have to start with baby steps. Get psychological help for your problem. Speak to your counselor about establishing a safety plan. As you said, you're in survival mode - the best way to survive is to have a plan

Tamitha, the Lord DOES give us more than we can handle sometimes. That's why some people have breakdowns, get suicidal, become addicted. And that is why there are support networks. And us. If we can, we will fill you with ideas and hope and info. Never assume that you should be alone, or go through this alone. Reach out to every single person you know - male, female, rich, poor, professional, blue-collar, trained or amateur. You will find many have had experiences of their own, others can give you a hand. They may be bankers who can figure out a way to finance your needs, or counselors who can guide you or friends who have a shoulder to cry on when you need it. DO NOT BE ALONE! One lone human is not human at all.

I guess when I said it was 'minor' I meant in comparison to raped children and children forced to perform oral sex and beaten and killed. Do you understand? I do not take my childrens safety lightly. You all know as well as I do that the odds of anything happening anytime soon are pretty rare.

I think I started to snap back into what my therapist called 'survival mode' the last couple of days. That's where I kinda function like a robot. Doing what is absolutely necesary and avoiding the stress of the big picture.

Honey, you are in DENIAL. It's part of the "survival mode." This way, you can avoid the truth, focus on the wrong things, and maintain the status quo.

The point that I made earlier is that ANY child sexual abuse is NOT MINOR. You said, "I guess when I said it was 'minor' I meant in comparison to raped children and children forced to perform oral sex and beaten and killed."

That's exactly my point. To a child, there is no difference between rape and child-sexual abuse. It is ALL MAJOR. It is all RAPE, ORAL SEX, ANAL SEX, IMPROPER TOUCHING, FONDLING, MASTURBATING. This is the point you're not getting: to a kid, it's all as much of a violation of the self and spirit as the worst kind of sex crime. A kid doesn't know that there are degrees or differences....penetration, for example.

Do you have any idea of the impact of the term "minor" "minor abuse," "minor sexual abuse" "minor molestation" upon a victim? That word is a scourge and should never be used in the context of child sexual abuse. It is a way of minimizing, and denying. It makes a kid feel like you just kicked out their insides when you tell them that the way they feel isn't justified because their experience was "minor." It's a form of humiliation and shame to hear an adult diminish your experience according to their own terms of what is considered "serious" sexual violation and degradation. As though the victim experiences the crime in degrees like that. ...How much is "just a little" molestation? How much is "just a little" rape? How much is "just a little" bank robbery?

This attitude is extremely pervasive throughout our society, and is prevalent within the counseling and therapy communities. It also doesn't allow for any place to process the anger.

Tamitha, you are dimishing and minimizing. It's part of survival mode, yes, but it also allows you to diminish your role and responsibility. It's a way of not dealing with things so that you can get through the moment or the day. But in the long run, it's a cop out. You are coppin' out on yourself, and your kids.

You said "I do not take my childrens safety lightly. You all know as well as I do that the odds of anything happening anytime soon are pretty rare. "

In fact, the opposite is true. The ODDS of anything "happening" are in fact, very good. The odds are extremely good that something terrible is going to happen. You're playing with fire. You're a junkie willing to do anything to get that next fix. Otherwise, you wouldn't allow the drug into the house. You trust the drug before you listen to common sense. On some level you already know the whole thing is crazy, but like any junkie, you're beyond hearing. You're gonna do what you're gonna do. And you're gonna use all the excuses humanly possible to justify this addiction.

I've heard it all before, Tamitha. You need to get real with your self. And for goodness sake, stop cutting yourself. It's a chicken-shit thing to do. It's part of the way that we're socialized as women, to repress anger, because it isn't ladylike. What you are doing is expressing rage. And, to a degree it's a cry for help. ...But I've got some news for you: you're a grown up woman. You need to OWN your anger. To take responsibility for your self and your actions.

No one is going to rescue you. However, you're about to allow your drug (b/f) to rescue you. This way you can stay dependent, and never have to do a damn thing to help yourself. After all, as women aren't we taught from the time we're born, to be dependent on a man? Have you ever noticed that little boys are taught to get their SELF WORTH from the things they DO, not what people, especially women, think about them? Ever notice that little girls are taught exactly the opposite, and that we're programmed to get our SELF ESTEEM from others, especially males?

Tamitha, you need to grow up. You need to learn to be a fighter, not just a survivor. You're an intelligent woman, and it sounds like you have some heart. This really is what we're talkin' about, isn't it? "HEART?"

Ya gotta step up to the plate, and fight for yourself, Tamitha. Fight for your life. Get out of your VICTIM MENTALITY. Make a stand for your self. No one in here can do it for you. And I'm not gonna let you keep conning yourself. You can do it. Every time you try to peddle the same bs I've heard from every woman trying to justify her abusive partner I'm gonna call you on it. I still offer you my embrace, but I'm not gonna coddle you and feed your need to get some sympathy. Sympathy is really important to abuse victims, but it's terribly harmful, too. I am sympathethic to the fact that you've been abused. But that's where it stops, and I won't enable you.

The world sucks, and there's lots of hardship, lots of suffering. Lot's of fckn sorrow. Hunger, and death, and pain and dying. You have a choice, have choices. No one else is responsible for your problems and no one can do anything about them but YOU. Those who aren't busy living are busy dying. Get busy living, sweetheart. Life's just too damn short.

In Light and Life,
Northstar

The Lord never gives us more than we can handle.

Yeah, people always try to peddle this one, too. But it's that 'ole double-edged sword again, too. OF COURSE "the LORD" gives us more than we can handle. Isn't that the nature and purpose of FAITH?

In AA there's an old sayin' "LET GO AND LET GOD."

Maybe your God is tryin' to get ya humble. ...Maybe your path is about humility...notice I didn't say "humiliation." Maybe this is your test of faith, or letting go." Maybe you need to take that bumper sticker off your car that says "God is my CO-PILOT" and put him in the PILOT'S SEAT for a change. Maybe your faith needs to be first for a change.

I hope you don't have to eat too much humble pie before God is able to work through you, to work with you.

Maybe you need to start listening to that small still voice talkin' to ya, Tamitha. ....Oh, that's right. ....You're still busy tryin' to get that next fix. Kick the habit, baby. If you want to start livin.'

Northstar, What a blessing you are.
You no i watched my husband die, a little everyday--his hold physical body was gone. His abilety to walk, talk, eat was taking away chiped at like a hack saw Little by Little I had to watch this man die and I could do NOTHING for him. NO ONE COULD, Except I could care for him as a Loving wife should care for her dying spouse. Yes some women would have run like hell! I stayed and fought the fight. I loved him and my self. I stood up against the evil of the disease that was taking him from me, I cared! I truely Loved.
So Tamitha Until you dig deep down inside your self and stop the pain of what you are doing to your self. No one not even your children matter.
I just will repeat something my dying husband said-- He did not no why things were happening to him The dr did not no what he even had. DR after Dr we went-No one could save him!
Just about his last words were before he lost control of his speech were
" I Do Not Wish This OWN Anyone"
God he did not even KNOW he Had CJD!
You have that chance too change your life. Embrace it. Take control sweetie.

Just checking in to see how you are

Tamitha....thank you for sharing so honestly with us about the difficulties you have with coping and what you've done in the past to get through painful times (cutting). I am very glad to know you have a therapist. Keep her/him up to date with your feelings. I am glad to know that you have not resorted to cutting again. You are getting stronger. I understand you are waiting to finalize your divorce and division of property in order to know where you stand. That sounds reasonable, however, having a escape plan made with your therapist is a good safety net to put under you and your children. It also helps confront the denial of "there's nothing to be worried about" with your bf. Even if you don't believe there is a reason to do it. Please, just talk to your therapist and follow through.....what do you have to lose by having a plan?

Regarding does God give us more than we can handle....TY gave you the Bibical answer....but on a more concrete level.....I know I don't really understand and haven't arrived at a level of spiritual strength in my own life that would sustain me through things that hurt toooooo much. For instance, if I lost one of my children to death or something horrible like that....I don't know how I would get through it. I know I have gotten through things in life that were so painful that I broke and have had to put the pieces back together. I definately thought at the time it was more than I could handle. But I'm still here and I am still capable of loving and caring for others so maybe God carried me and I didn't even know it.
He will do the same for you. You have a lot to deal with and have had a lot to deal with but I truely believe that a Mother's love can carry us and help us put one foot in front of the other to provide a safe place for our children.

I feel you need encouragement and I hope you will find that in the words that are being written to you. Everyone on here is in their own way trying to tell you they care and they want you and your children to be safe and not another statistic. You've already been betrayed by their biological father....so please don't give another man that kind of power in your life. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers......~Cat:thumbsup:

Just checking in to see how you are



I was doing the same...... Please let us know!!

Good morning everyone. All is well so far. It is Monday and I have my appointment today with my therapist. So yes, I am going, and yes, I thought about talking to her about "a plan". I know what the odds are of someone as damaged as my BF is making it. But I'm not ready to give up on him. I have put my foot down regarding certain things, especially the kids. He goes to see his PO tomorrow, so we'll see if he got any reports on what happened. I am taking this day by day. Thank you all so much for your support. I know this is far from over on so many different levels.

[quote=cat805]

For instance, if I lost one of my children to death or something horrible like that....I don't know how I would get through it.

To this I can testify because it has broke me inside and out to now look back and see that I could have prevented this from happening if I had given up earlier and quit believing that he loved us and was going to change.
The pain inside is something I cannot explain in words because it is deep. I am haunted 24/7 that I could have changed the outcome if I had just reached out for help. If I had just runaway. The guilt that my daughter didn't survive because I thought love was about taking the beatings too just eats me inside-out daily. I swear, I wish I could go back in time and still have the choice of him or my daughter....I'd pick my baby every time. Sokie

I know, Sokie. Time, lots of time helps (a teeeeny bit). There is no loss like yours; she was your own heart...her part will not come back physically, it belongs to only her. What about that Chinese/Asian ceremony that Nim had suggested before with regards to losses? What about a book about her...for children? There is a roar - or something like that within you. I get that! It will never totally leave but it will ease (again - a bit) in time. I am thinking back...do you know how many people on here cried with you. We cannot shed your same tears, but there exists major love and compassion for you.

Keep going. Hang on.

Any help with the CA Victims dealy?

Good for you, Tamitha!

Please keep your appointment...and I hope that you tell your counselor the whole truth about what's been going on with you. It'll be hard, but you can do it!

I especially hope that you work on your wanting to cut yourself. I DO understand how strong that desire/need is, but you've stopped before, and you can control it this time...you can find healthier outlets for your rage. I understand, also, that you're dealing with a compulsion, and that it's not as simple as just not wanting to...it takes work to overcome. Recovery is work. Hard work. But it's worth it! You can do it!

One way to wean yourself from cutting, if you DO end up doing it, is to use a toothbrush with hard bristles instead of sharp objecs or blades....the pain is still there, but you won't be bleeding all over the place. And it's easier to wean yourself off the behavior in stages that way. Also, the kids won't be as traumatized as if you were using something sharp/more dangerous.

Obviously I'm not advocating cutting, but I DO understand it, and I also understand the rage behind the action.

Keep moving forward. Sokie's right: your kids have to be first in your life, before the b/f, before the mortgage, before everything else. They have to know this, and the only way they'll know it is by your actions. Focus on yourself right now and how to help yourself, how to regain your strength...YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Don't give up! Keep your appointment! ...keep on movin' forward!

Northstar

Tamitha, I'm going to try to say this one more time. If he suddenly exploded on you this last time, no warning, then you simply cannot guarantee that you can see it coming and protect your children from it.

The other piece of information that I think you need to take in is that 60% of the men who abuse women go on to be abusive to the children. Since you've already had that happen, your odds are now 100%. By allowing him anywhere near you or your kids, you WILL have a repeat.

You just can't do that.

As for the counseling ~ GOOD FOR YOU!! ~

Go, be honest, release your pain there. It's safe, safer than cutting.

Peace.

Hope it went well.

Tamitha,
I just saw your answers on that questioner on the other thread. If you ever grow tired, if you ever want support getting out, or even if you want :help: trying to decide what you need to do there are a lot of us here to help talk you threw it. Sometimes it won't be what you want to hear but we will be honest with you, I promise I will be.
I thought I was going to die inside when I made the choice to leave my husband but I was truly tested the day I buried my child. She is something I can never get back, not even in the name of love and not with the promise I would make a better choice the next time. It was a hard lesson for me, my friend. :grouphug:

Oh Sokie, I am tired.....I'm exhausted on so many levels. I just can't see him as a monster. I truely pray I never do and that he can get better. I know, if he doesn't soon, I will have to make heart wrentching decisions. I feel so selfish sometimes when I think of what you have gone through. I just found out that they are probably going to continue my ex's sentencing because they still haven't gotten the pshyc report!! Maybe it's another excuse, but I feel like I can only have 1 door open at a time. I need closure on this before I can really dig into my current situation.

I can't even imagine burying any of my children and I pray I never know that pain. I hate my ex with such a passion for what he did to me & my children, but I truely love my BF. I'm afraid to speak out at my ex's sentencing cause he already blames me for being locked up and when he goes to prison he will eventually get out and I don't want him coming after me or the kids.

I'm a new member & I was browsing when I came across your post. I just recently joined PrisionTalk because I'm awaiting my good friend/boyfriend to get out. I've known him for 10yrs, he'll be out in about a yr. Enough about me...before I got with him I was with another guy, whom which I was with for 3 yrs. We lived together & we had plans on getting married. At first he was the greatest man I'd known, or so I thought. 1 yr after we were together he pushed me, while intoxicated. I had never had ANYONE do that to me before. He apologized the next day & said he would never do it again. He couldn't look @ my eyes, he felt embarrased & said his mother & aunts would be highly disappointed if they knew. Now you may know what happened for the next 2 yrs., more hits. The first time I thought he'll change, plus I love him so much because of that he'll change. Had it not been for my new man I don't know where I'd be. A man should never put hands on a woman even in a joking way. Once they see it's ok to hit their girl, they will do it over & over. I never ended up in the hospital, but the brusies were bad enough to go to the hospital. I've come to realize that he didn't love himself enough, because if he had he would have never laid a hand on me like that. No man should ever do that. Take a look in a mirror, did your mother carry you for 9 months to go through HELL?? Did God have only these plans for you?? Love yourself more than anything in the world & then you'll see that it's better to be alone than end up 6ft under or in a hospital bed.

Oh Sokie, I am tired.....I'm exhausted on so many levels. I just can't see him as a monster. I truely pray I never do and that he can get better. I know, if he doesn't soon, I will have to make heart wrentching decisions. I feel so selfish sometimes when I think of what you have gone through. I just found out that they are probably going to continue my ex's sentencing because they still haven't gotten the pshyc report!! Maybe it's another excuse, but I feel like I can only have 1 door open at a time. I need closure on this before I can really dig into my current situation.

I can't even imagine burying any of my children and I pray I never know that pain. I hate my ex with such a passion for what he did to me & my children, but I truely love my BF. I'm afraid to speak out at my ex's sentencing cause he already blames me for being locked up and when he goes to prison he will eventually get out and I don't want him coming after me or the kids.

Isnt this thread for the one that has been beating on you??
Im sorry but i feel YOU are still in deniel with that problem.....
You dont want to see him as a monster but he is already a monster for putting his hands on you...
im sorry your going thru this, but honestly i think YOU like it(being beat on and treated the way you been treated), im not being harsh on you but you keep having excuses after excusesabout his behavior...

I hope ONE DAY you will see the light!!

There is no question I am in denial! I've said that myself. But it doesn't change the fact that I am still in love with him and I am praying that we beat the odds.

And yes, I started this thread because when he pulled me to the floor on New Year's I was in shock and didn't know what to do. I know what "I should" do now. Thanks to all of you, but that doesn't make it any easier. But I can't separate all of the emotions I'm going through right now, and frankly, until everything is finalized with my ex, I don't think I'm going to be looking at things so clearly with my BF. Sorry, but what he did to me makes him look like an angel compared to what my ex did to my daughter.

Yes, I have questioned myself as to whether or not I liked it. But that is simply stupid. I don't like it anymore than I like cutting myself but that doesn't stop me. My BF has treated me in a way that no other man ever has. He has treated me like a princess. It is hard for me to get past that.

I don't know what else to say right now.

I know you love him. I want to hear that you love yourself

A princess? I've never seen a princess get her head smashed into a tile floor with her kids present, and I watch a lot of Disney...Tamitha, you think that what he did is nothing compared to what your ex did to your daughter? They're both bad. I would hope that if someone did to your daughter what your boyfriend has done to you, that you would realize that's not ok and leave. If it's not ok for someone to put their hands on your kids like that, then why is it ok for them to put their hands on you like that?

Good for you Tamitha, you really are getting somewhere with your thinking...not to the goal-line yet, but moving.

Here's an ugly concept for you (one that I have had to deal with personally) - we are in love with their pathology. Yes, it is what it broken that we love. Not in the sense of the love that a husband and wife actually feel, but in the sense that their broken-ness is so familiar to us, usually from childhood, that we recognize down deeper than we can actually remember. I can almost promise you that THAT is what has happened to you. The attraction is appalling in its strength. It is your whole being, every fiber, every ounce of you yearning to create a relationship. But what you're trying to do is RE-CREATE one that didn't work right 'way back. And you don't know it, because that relationship was going on before you had the words and consciousness to hold that idea; no words=no clear understanding.

As to comparing your ex to your boyfriend - that's like comparing -3 to -5. They are both below zero! And what your boyfriend is likely to continue to do is going to take him further down the scale. Another couple of incidents and he will have scarred you and the kids as permanently as your ex has done. There is another option - above zero. But you have to get healthy yourself to be able to love someone who is (consistently) above zero.

About that "wonderful treatment". Boy, do I know that one! Mine would rub my feet at the end of long, hard days. He would fix delicious dinners when my teaching schedule ran late. He helped me remodel the kitchen. He would feed the horses in the morning and let me sleep late. And many more things. And I miss those. But I don't miss the rest, not at all. And I had to realize that I could not have one without the other. In fact, even when I tried, I got less and less of the wonderful and more and more of the abusive.

Hon, it almost never gets better. The odds, with intensive non-court-ordered therapy - with a specialist - is 6%. That's what your bet is - 94-6. Against.

I finally got the nerve to get rid of mine in October. The physical violence was not as bad as the verbal things he said. I would get rid of him and feel like, "Oh its not that bad" "How will I ever find someone else", so I always begged him back.

My kids were even been taken out of my home at one point and I spent the money on an attorney to get them back. It is against the law in Florida for your children to be in a house that has domestic violence.

All I can say is that if you love your kids, do not bring him back and in time you will love yourself enough to know it was the right decision.

You want to know something that is really confusing?! I went to see my ex to get him to sign some papers and he told me that my BF was just using me and would never marry me. I so badly don't want him to be right on so many different levels. Mostly because I so truely believed in my heart that there was no other love like ours. I never even loved my ex the way I love my BF. Ok I'm starting to not make sense again. I think I'm gonna go to bed early. The sentencing is at 1:30 tomorrow so I don't know how I'll sleep, Thanks again.

Tam - it's possible that your ex recognizes something about you, and your willingness to play victim and give up anything to be loved. . .

"im sorry your going thru this, but honestly i think YOU like it(being beat on and treated the way you been treated),"


That statement is not only harsh but out of line.

Hope you don't mind me puting in my 2 cents. My "ex" became abusive, that's why I left. I went thru my daughter's pregnancy alone (23 years ago), fast forward 3 years. Found he had been molesting her and my son, who at the time was 6. he has never laid even an eye on my "Kids" since the disclosure. Sadly, he got off on a technicality. In the 80;s, in that state, a child had to be 7 to be considered credible. Sadly, I hear he has a little boy today, he is 11. I pray for him. His wife has been told by protective services. SHE IS IN DENIAL! I don't think he should be near ANY child. Fast forward again, I am happily married, to a man who is good to me and my kids. He adopted my oldest daughter, (MY son, now in jail, didn't want to be adopted).
LIFE CAN CHANGE! get the courage and change it. you deserve better, your kids deserve way better. For a definition of true love, look up 1 corinthians chapter 13 in the BIble. Also, he doesn't treat you like a princess, he's treated you like blank! A man is supposed to treat us, like Christ treats the church. Be strong, get out, show your kids what is right!
I will pray for you.

How did your session with your counselor go the other night, Tamitha?

It went well. She is incredibly understanding. We agreed that I should make "a plan" (copies of birth certificates and such kept at work). She also understands my love for my BF and my wanting to try and work it out. I won't lie to her. I need her to know the truth, she helps make me accountable to it. We also talked about my meds. I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with this......I was having really bad anxiety attacks and my doctor put me on prozac, which seems to be helping. But here's the problem, I wake up every night, sometimes more than once, soaking wet with sweat. My counselor thinks that I am having anxiety attacks in my sleep. Has anyone else experienced this or know how to help it. It's been suggested that I up my meds or even take something along the lines of Zanex to sleep.

He has treated me like a princess.

Princesses don't get hit- No fairy tale has ever ended with the line ..."and she wore long sleeves, too much makeup and told their friends she was clumsy ever after."

Thank you Sokie, that statement really hurt. I don't mind being told the facts but I don't need to be attacked. Nobody likes to be hurt, but sometimes they don't know any other way. My BF once read a book about "the pleasure principle". It talks about how some people only know how to feel pleasure after pain. It sounds twisted but makes a lot of sense. Kind of like 'make-up sex'. Or the abused child who feels incredible amounts of love from their mother after being abused so they feel a need to inflict pain (emotional and/or physical) in order to feel loved. This is one of the reasons I have hope for my BF. He has researched this and searched for understanding. If he can except that it is all him and get the help he needs there may be hope for him.

please let me jump in and beg you to think for a moment, NOT FEEL -- love is an instinct, isn't it? you would never want to hurt your kids physically, mentally, or emotionally... would you? how about your friends and your family? I'd even go so far as to say that you couldn't ever hurt him the way he has hurt you, could you? it's not in you... is it? I'm sad to say that you can rest most assured that it IS in him. and that won't change. it can't, not until he wants to change that... and sadly, many of them won't. to change these kinds of men requires that they acknowledge that they are wrong. and many simply can't.

there is nothing wrong with you. there is something grvely wrong with him. if you continue to allow him this control in your life, it will only get worse. one day it may be your kids he hurts. think about that.

Tamitha, there are MANY antidepressents on the market that may be helpful to you. Xanax. Wellbutrin. Trazedone. ...There are many more, with differing degrees of side-effects, etc., and it makes a difference what "class" of antidepressents you need. ...Some may be used specifically to target chemical imbalances in the brain (depression and especially trauma can alter the brain chemistry...Lithium is commonly used to treat this, which also is known as "bi-polar" disorder. Some drugs are "psychotropic" and some are used to treat different forms and degrees of psychosis.

Work with your counselor on this, and also, try to educate yourself. There's lots of information, etc., on the web, so that would be a convenient and easy place for you to start.

Education, in fact, may be fundamental to your recovery, as it was to mine. I spent a great deal of time researching abuse, and substance abuse, and child abuse...etc., eventually earning a degree in abuse psychology. ...this might not work for everyone, but you're obviously intelligent and have a desire to learn about your own issues, as well as his.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again: a 12 step program might be a great place for you to start. Go to a meeting. You don't have to say a word, just sit there and listen. (I'd recommend a "big book" meeting if you choose AA, rather than a discussion meeting, especially initially.

Much of your self-revelation sounds like you have some co-dependency issues. This may be related to substance abuse, but that's not always the case, and a person doesn't have to be using to wind up in a relationship with the same co-dependency issues, since it's the same/similar psychological dependency issues at the core.

I just wanted to say that "I'm proud of you" for going to your appointment, Tamitha. Recovery is WORK. You've gotta keep workin', keep on movin' FORWARD. Nothing will happen overnight, but recovery is a PROCESS. Just take things one step at a time, one minute at a time...one day at a time.

Good Luck and Godspeed.
Northstar

Hay MA! how are you hope that all is well Don't take this the wrong way BUT, My ex fiance beat me the first time too and I thought nothing of it because I love em more than words itself so I took em back it didn't stop there I got more envolved into our relationship he felt because he had beaten me:( and I took him back that I would be scared to leave em but if a man beats you enough and the women you are I bet that you are a beauty :thumbsup: why in God's name would you want to look like someone other than yourself you know! So PRAY on that and ask God there will be a voice either awake or sleep that will come to you and you will understand the value of your life much more than the man you love so much that you'd probably give your all,:) but there is a line that you must draw and how soon you do it is up to you you've done nothing wrong let em' deal with that on his own obviously he has some type of resintment for women and do you realy think that your the first he's made a strike at think about it hun!:cool:
I'll try to make this as short as possible. I've been on prisontalk for a while, but always supporting my BF. He has been locked up for domestic violence and violating his probation and then parole. We have lived together for 2 years. Last night was our anniversary. He hurt me for the first time. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure he is going to be violated and sent back to prison. My friend was there and called the police. She watched him drag me down the stairs by my hair and slam my face into the tile floor. I told the police that he was just trying to help me up after I fell. He wasn't home when they came. I am in such a horrible place inside.... I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. He can hardly look at me. He is not supposed to drink and we went out for New Years. I know that he is horrified by what he did. But I also know that my head is telling me that this will only get worse. God! This hurts so bad and I have no one to talk to. Somebody please tell me everything is going to be OK.

Hi Tamitha soooo glad you went to your therapist and that you were honest. Sooooo glad you have a plan. Good moving forward behaviors. And yes you do seem to be experiencing panic attacks connected to your PTSD in the middle of the night. Xanax would likely be helpful for it. And these panic attacks are telling you that you are not feeling as safe as you are trying to tell yourself you are......Listen to your body.

If you had a daughter in your situation, what would you tell her? Would you want her to take a chance that he would hurt her again in front of her children, your grandchildren. Would you want her to expose her children to anymore ugliness that she could prevent, after their biological father is in jail for already violating her oldest, your grand daughter. I bet you would want to protect her and want her to protect her children. I bet you would worry and fuss about this. That's all we're doing here on PTO.....caring about you.

Someone suggested that you go to a 12 step program. I would suggest Alanon and CODA...(Co-Dependency Anonymous). It will aide in your therapy and your process.....Good luck and keep talking, keep posting and do your research.....Take Care Of You.....~Cat

Hi i am sorry to hear what has happened to you i could sense your pain in your post, i must say that love is a funny thing sometimes we love people who hurt us and sometimes the people who claim to love us causes us pain I believe that inside all of us know the answer to our own struggles and questions i believe that no woman dreams of being beaten up by the man who they love adn i also dont think situations like these get better with time, i once read that the best prediction of the future is to look at the past If it's happened before it will happen again. i hate to say that . you are faced with the difficult choice of staying and enduring the heartbreak and possibly worse abuse or walking away and going through that heartache i personally believe you are the only one who can make that decision, think about what love is and compare it to what you are going through does it match up. You can not ever change another person NOT EVER!!! i have loved the same man for 7 years now and i once thought my love would change him to date he is still the same i realized that if i want to have any happiness in this lifetime i have to create it for myself and i have to put my love for myself first. So i hope you will be sfe and that one day you too will recognize your own self worth, Please take care of yourself

:dance: Raynlady

How's it going?

Well, I haven't posted in a while so I thought I would update everyone. Yes, against most of your advise I am still with my BF. I know that every situation is different and most turn out for the worst. But I'm still hoping for that 1% chance that ours will be a happy ending. I am, howver, taking steps to protect myself and my children. I am still going to counseling and being very honest with my counselor. I am also going back to school to get my degree and CPA license. This will make it so that money is never an issue as to who is allowed in. The bottom line is I want to be financially independent. I want things to work out with my BF but not because I need him financially. I also want to be OK if it doesn't work out and not be pressed to need others to help me. I hope this makes some sense..... Thank you all so much and I'm glad I have this to come to every day.

Well, you already know that I wish you'd made another choice but I am thrilled to hear that you're taking measures to ensure your financial independence.... PLEASE, please, please maintain a bank account of your very own, do not add him to it, do not lend him your ATM card, maybe even have the statements sent to another address.... it's not "your" money if he has access to it.

Thank you LeBeau. I do have a separate account. He does have access to my ATM card (but only when I give it to him). I keep it on me. He doesn't use it very often now that he is working. He deposits money in my account regularly but he can't take it out unless I give him the ATM.

I'm tellin' ya, Girl- Change the PIN number and stop letting him use it.
Let him get his own account and handle his own business seperate from your account.
If things turn ugly, what's to stop him from taking that card away from you?
I know I sound paranoid, but Sweetie, believe me, this is a topic that you really need to be hard headed on- If you need to leave at the drop of a hat, you need to have access to that money and make sure HE does NOT.

:shrug: I understand wanting to be financially independent. I truly hope things work out for you, I wouldn't wish anything other then that. :) sokie

Thanks Sokie and LeBeau. He has his own account now. He has for a while. He used to use my ATM all the time but now he does use his own money and actually puts most of it in my account. No, I'm not trying to make him into a saint......he's far from it. But financially he does help out quite a bit. I have 4 kids that he's been helping support. I actually think that maybe the stress from all the responsiblity might be too much for him to handle sometimes. Maybe that's why he snapped on New Year's when he was drunk.....who knows?..

On another thought, think good thoughts and please pray for me. I go to court Tuesday to try and force my ex to sign some loan modification papers to get me out of forclosure. Then his sentencing is Thursday.....what a week!

[quote=Tamitha] I do not take my childrens safety lightly. You all know as well as I do that the odds of anything happening anytime soon are pretty rare.
It's about stabilitly for my children.
[quote]

Come back and tell us all of this after you get back from one of your kids funeral because you wont be able to when its your own funeral.

worked two jobs. gave up my home. raised two small children and they were stable without him!

Tamitha PM me if you can I have first hand knowledge of this situation however instead of alcohol he was on meth which I know is the reason he acted the way he did....When he was sober he was fine but as soon as he got high it was a completly different person.....It's been 4 years and i'm still madly in love w/ him he's been clean for over 2 years so I do know that an abuser can change if he really wants to but he really does have to want to......If he wants to keep you he'd better start going to some classes no matter if he thinks he has a problem or not.....ANyhow I've got lots more to tell you if you wanna talk cause I went through the same exact thing......... or you can message me (Removed per PTO Policy)

Tamitha PM me if you can I have first hand knowledge of this situation however instead of alcohol he was on meth which I know is the reason he acted the way he did....When he was sober he was fine but as soon as he got high it was a completly different person.....It's been 4 years and i'm still madly in love w/ him he's been clean for over 2 years so I do know that an abuser can change if he really wants to but he really does have to want to......If he wants to keep you he'd better start going to some classes no matter if he thinks he has a problem or not.....ANyhow I've got lots more to tell you if you wanna talk cause I went through the same exact thing......... or you can message me (Removed per PTO Policy)
That's kewl that your guy has changed, actually you are one of the first stories I have ever read. Congrats.

Tamitha- Just checkin' in... saw you were in here earlier, and was hoping you'd post... how are things?

Things are going ok. Not great, but I am definately more positive than I have been in a while. My BF has been very cranky lately. He was very sick for several days and quit smoking a week ago. I just walk away from him when he gets mouthy. It seems to be working. I'm not allowing his mean comments to control me any longer. I just walk away and do not react. I am building an emotional barrier if that makes any sense..... I am taking steps to be OK if he leaves (either on his own accord or because I kick him out). I think and hope that he is realizing that he has a problem and I will stick by him if he deals with it, but I will not continue to allow him to abuse me physically (which has not happened again) or mentally. I'm not even sure he always realizes how horrible his comments are. This is the way he was brought up. His sister is the same way. You should hear the way they talk to each other, but they love each other so much. They have clung to each other since they were babies through all of the abuse.

Back to me and the kids. I am spending more time with them. It seems to be giving me the confidence and the power to make better decisions. They seem to be doing better as well.

Thank you all for being hear. You are the only window I have that I can express reality without hiding anything. Thank you so much for that!

Glad to hear you're feeling better and taking steps to ensure your independence- please keep your guard up, though (I know you're sick of hearing hearing it, but we want you SAFE).

LeBeau, I'm so so so not tired of hearing it! Hearing it is what I believe is keeping me in check. It is so easy to fall in love with him over and over every day! I need to keep me and the children safe and I need you guys for that. I don't know if that sounds cowardly or naive or stupid or anything, but I look at this everyday hoping for encouraging words.

Tamitha

Hon, that's the reason we're here! We've stuck it out with a fair number of folks who have wobbled back and forth, gotten back into it, come back again to vent at us...and not all want to be safe - for some poor souls, any affection is better than nothing, and the pain is just the price they keep paying.

Keep being strong. . . have you noticed how much time you used to spend catering to him that now goes to the kids? Scary, eh?

What's funny is he always would tell me I don't spend enough time with the kids! I wasn't spending time with them because he wanted me to always put him first. The thing is, now that I'm putting them first, he's actually being more respectful to me! I think he may be stepping back and seeing himself a little clearer. I know he loves the children, but when the 3 year old was sensing things and acting afraid of him, it really upset him. He thinks now before he says things in front of the kids for the most part. And it really shows with her, she is all over him like she used to be.

I'm sorry I have to say it...but poor baby. A three year old acting scared has got to be heartbreaking.

And I'm bitch enough to make a person's life a living hell for taking my child's innocence. MY OPINION, children shouldn't know fear like that. They should be afraid of the dark, not of the father-figure in their life.

I'm not gonna lecture you on getting out....but man, that breaks my heart to hear a baby lives in fear and his/her momma won't take the 'scary' away and fix it.

:(

I'm having a really tough night....There's way too much to go into detail. My BF is being wonderful of course. Diamond earrings, cute stuffed bear..... Do you know what my therapist said? She said "of course you love him, he's the only man who's ever treated you like this". She's right, on both extremes....no one has ever made me feel special like he does, but no one has ever talked to me the way he does, or laid a hand on me. My kids love him one minute and hate him the next. My son has all kinds of behavioral problems that we believe stem from his father. He is incredibly disrespectful to adults. Well my BF caught him mouthing off to one of his teachers and he smacked him when he got him in the car. My son told his therapist and she reported it. I don't know what's going to happen. Since he's on parole for DV I'm guessing they'll send him back to prison.

I'm so f@cking confused! The therapist said she recommended that he not be removed from the house but that he take parenting classes. I think that would be good but they'll probably just violate him.

When he left for work tonight I didn't tell him. I'm afraid of how he'll react and I'm hoping it will all just go away.

Please, someone tell me that this isn't real! God would not set everything I've ever wanted in a man right in front of me and then 2 years later...BAM!!! Just kidding, just a little tease to remind you YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY!!!

I'm having a really tough night....There's way too much to go into detail. My BF is being wonderful of course. Diamond earrings, cute stuffed bear.....
This is known as "buying affection." It also is part of the "honeymoon phase" in the cycle of Domestic VIOLENCE:angry:

Do you know what my therapist said? She said "of course you love him, he's the only man who's ever treated you like this". She's right, on both extremes....no one has ever made me feel special like he does, but no one has ever talked to me the way he does, or laid a hand on me.
This is the definition of CONTROL. ...He is controlling your emotions, Tamitha, and you are allowing this to happen. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU

My kids love him one minute and hate him the next.
I thought you said that your kids love him all the time...and that they don't want him to leave, that they're completely attached to him?? That HE is the PERFECT FATHER FIGURE??

My son has all kinds of behavioral problems that we believe stem from his father. He is incredibly disrespectful to adults.
His FATHER????? I think your son is having problems because of the way that your boyfriend treats YOU, and how YOU respond to his abusive behavior (comments, etc.) What makes you think that somehow YOU don't have anything to do with any of this? What makes YOU put all of the blame on someone else. You need to be responsible for your own behvior and actions. How nice it must be that you don't have to feel any guilt about what your kids are feeling and experiencing right now, and can simply blame someone else. Sweet.

Well my BF caught him mouthing off to one of his teachers and he smacked him when he got him in the car.
This is the definition of CHILD ABUSE. YOU NEED TO WAKE UP, TAMITHA. THIS IS YOUR CHILD, NOT A TEDDY BEAR OR TOY. IT'S YOUR SON, HONEY. TAKE CARE OF HIM...PUT HIS NEEDS AND CARE FIRST, NOT SECOND, NOT THIRD. I'm extremely upset right now, because I can only imagine what your son is feeling, and I'm angry at you because YOU DON'T SEEM TO CARE.
My son told his therapist and she reported it. I don't know what's going to happen. Since he's on parole for DV I'm guessing they'll send him back to prison.
WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON THIS A-HOLE AND NOT YOUR OWN SON???? what the he** is wrong with you, Tamitha? This is a wakeup call, and you're not listening, not seeing, not acting.
I'm so f@cking confused! The therapist said she recommended that he not be removed from the house but that he take parenting classes. I think that would be good but they'll probably just violate him.
A parenting class will not help your son. A parenting class will not protect your son from the NEXT TIME...And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but A PARENTING CLASS won't help the sob you live with, either. It sounds to me like your son's therapist doesn't know about the time your "lover" beat the crap out of you and slammed your head into the tile, and the police were called by your friend...does she?

When he left for work tonight I didn't tell him. I'm afraid of how he'll react and I'm hoping it will all just go away.
This will NOT just go away, Tamitha. "You're" AFRAID????WHAT ABOUT YOUR SON? I IMAGINE THAT HE'S TERRIFIED RIGHT NOW.
WHAT MEASURE HAVE YOU TAKEN TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR SON DOESN'T BEAR THE BRUNT OF YOUR ABUSER'S ATTACK (AND THE ATTACK WILL SURELY COME, EITHER VERBALLY, EMOTIONALLY, OR GOD-FORBID, PHYSICALLY) YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SON OUT OF THE HOUSE, OUT OF THE LINE OF FIRE. HE IS IN EXTREME DANGER. BRING HIM TO A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER'S HOUSE. TAKE MEASURE TO PROTECT HIM, OR BE PREPARED TO HAVE CPS TAKE HIM AWAY FROM YOU FOLLOWING THE UPCOMING ATTACK IF IT TURNS PHYSICAL.

Please, someone tell me that this isn't real! God would not set everything I've ever wanted in a man right in front of me and then 2 years later...BAM!!! Just kidding, just a little tease to remind you YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY!!!
YOU'RE FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. You most certainly ARE allowed to be happy. Maybe your GOD is testing you, Tamitha...The Devil comes dressed in LIGHT. Evil seduces. It charms. It buys diamond earrings and teddy bears, and smacks little kids around. You are walking into the pit of hell, and are pushing away anyone who's trying to grab your hand and stop you.

Tamitha, I'm really really upset right now, because your children are in grave danger, and you're more worried about what protecting the danger, than about protecting them. I'm angry at you for allowing this to happen. I'm angry because I've seen so many kids who've gone through this, and what it does to them. I'm angry because it probably will take bruises and broken bones, and broken bodies and maybe even a fatality before YOU DECIDE to do the right thing for your children. This is SO WRONG. What?? Are you waiting for your kids to have THEIR heads slammed into a tile floor, or their arms twisted until they break? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??

Honey, I KNOW you love your kids. I KNOW you deserve better than this, too. I KNOW you deserve a man who treats you like a queen WITHOUT making you pay for it. I KNOW you deserve to be loved, and this isn't love.

Honey, your house is burning, and the fire alarms are deafening...why aren't you trying to save your children?

Twisted into knots, Northstar
PS Don't try to tell me that "the therapist' is taking care of your son's needs right now...because what that child needs is HIS MAMA. ...He's waiting for you to protect him, and I bet he's terrified about what "his father figure" is going to do to him when he finds out that HE (your son) TOLD....that HE (your son) is responsible for his upcoming violation.... TAMITHA, YOUR SON IS IN THE LINE OF FIRE, AND YOUR SON ALREADY KNOWS THIS, WHETHER YOU RECOGNIZE IT OR NOT....HONEY, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS. YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR SON FIRST, AND TAKE CARE OF HIM.

The poor little boy. I can only imagine what he's going through when the lights go out and he's all alone in his bed at night. omg. My heart is breaking for him. omg. He deserves so much better than this...and this is the moment he loses respect for women as an adult when he grows up, because his mother didn't protect him. When he grows up, he'll be the monster we've all feared. And we'll be reading his girlfriend's posts in here instead of yours, Tamitha.

I'll try to make this as short as possible. I've been on prisontalk for a while, but always supporting my BF. He has been locked up for domestic violence and violating his probation and then parole. We have lived together for 2 years. Last night was our anniversary. He hurt me for the first time. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure he is going to be violated and sent back to prison. My friend was there and called the police. She watched him drag me down the stairs by my hair and slam my face into the tile floor. I told the police that he was just trying to help me up after I fell. He wasn't home when they came. I am in such a horrible place inside.... I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. He can hardly look at me. He is not supposed to drink and we went out for New Years. I know that he is horrified by what he did. But I also know that my head is telling me that this will only get worse. God! This hurts so bad and I have no one to talk to. Somebody please tell me everything is going to be OK.

Hi Tamitha
Im going thru a similiar thing (Domestics part)...and ya....you wanna hear everything will be ok, but your head is telling you different....u know why that is? Because our heads are WAY smarter than our hearts are hunny...were women and only women....we ALL hurt when something like this happens to us......( I had a man beat me so bad 4 years ago...I went into a stroke on my kitchen floor and had to sign a living will because I had blood clots in my lungs and they informed me that in a couple more hours...Id have been dead...and he watched me go into convulsions and he didnt call 911.......he just laughed and said "see what you get for not listening to me") ....He let me there to die......and just like u ....I thought the same thing you did....everything will get better...EVERYTHING will be ok....right?....(I was wrong in my case)! But I think the bigger point is you say your brain is telling you basically dont do it...well...I guess thay call that womanly intuition? Follow your gut on this one.....because Im sure everyone knows as well as I do that when you follow your heart....there are many blind spots that were unaware of....and just so ya know...that guy that almost killed me.....I found out he shot his g/f and himself down in Florida 2 years ago....they are both dead....Hmmm...couldve been me.......................

Well my BF caught him mouthing off to one of his teachers and he smacked him when he got him in the car.
Tamitha, why would he feel he has the right to smack anyone? I would think this would just make the child more rebellious to have someone hit him. :shrug: I am by no means a counselor but if someone smacked me these days it would make me act worse then I already do...that's the child in me speaking there. ;)

Sweetie- If he goes back for smacking your son, GOOD!
He needs to get it straight that hitting is NOT the way to express himself, and it's better that your son learn now that there are severe consequences because boys raised with abuse are far more likely to become abusers- by excusing this guys behavior, you're teaching your children that fear and violence are ok things to have in their home- How are you going to feel 15 years down the road when your daughter in law, the mother of your grandchildren, is wearing long sleeves and too much makeup to hide the bruises left by the man you raised?

Are diamond earrings and teddy bears more valuable than the well being of your children?

By no means am I trying to say that the diamonds and bears make up for things. I guess I'm just kinda numb. He thinks that is what you have to do to make a kid mind. That's what his dad did. I'm not excusing it. I don't even know what to do with my son sometimes. He doesn't listen to me at all and is constantly having to be picked up from school. I know it's going to come to a head soon. Probably when social services knocks at the door. I don't know what their normal procedure is. I think they will probably talk to my son at school today. I know I sound like a horrible mother but I'm really not, I just feel paralyzed. My Dad is coming to visit next weekend. He knows very little, I will try to tell him more. I'll know more after social services talks to my son. I do not know how to stop loving this man! Please don't tell me I'm selfish, I love my children, I'm just scared and confused. I will protect them.

You know, I'm 38 and talking about running to Daddy. Isn't that horrible! Maybe I shouldn't tell him. Shouldn't he be able to live without worrying about me my whole life?

Nonsense! Your father would be terribly hurt if you failed to turn to him in troubled times and you need all the help you can get.

I'm 39 and I know for a fact that my mom would be a long while getting over it if I had serious troubles and hid them from her.

:shrug: I'll probably be 88 and still running to daddy! :haha: Many ((hugs)) to you today Tamitha, I see you are having a hard time.

Tamitha, I'm sorry to say this, but right now you ARE a bad parent. Your abusive boyfriend has now attacked your child, and you are not acting to defend that child. With that kind of parenting, you will never get that kid to behave normally.

Sorry, but that needs to be said, no matter how much it hurts. I will tell you, too, that I was a bad parent myself. Even though I left when my son was only 9 months old he still remembers the violence, and his entire life has been colored by it. I have no doubt of this. None.

There is now absolutely NOTHING stopping this man from really decking your son. Not you, not love, not a single thing. You have given him permission. So he will continue to do it, worse and worse. Why on earth are you waiting for Social Services to come? You can easily lose your children for this. You really have to be active - kick him out so that WHEN they come you can say honestly and finally "he is out of the house for good and will not be allowed contact with my children any more". If you can't say it, then you are on the road to getting them seriously hurt or taken away.

Don't think I'm exaggerating. There are enough people here who have lost their children for less.

Don't think I'm exaggerating. There are enough people here who have lost their children for less.
And with that said, I hang my head.

Sweetie, that wasn't a shot at you! That was about social service taking the kids away, not about an infant who may never have had a chance for assorted physical, maybe even genetic reasons.

I wan to apologize for my last post. I did not intend on making anyone feel bad. Sometimes I carry my heart to much out in the open and take things wrong when it has nothing what-so-ever to do with me. :grouphug:

Sokie, please don't ever feel like you need to apologize. I like to feel like I can express anything I'm feeling at anytime, no matter how it sounds to others. Some will understand and some won't. But your pain is felt by so many here and a little bit of everything feels like it is about you when everything is so very similar and close to our hearts.

Tamitha,

You seem like a "nice" person, but I do not think that you could get into Sokie's shoes. I doubt she would choose as you have, i.e., which is it, let me think, do I choose my children or the monster???, hmmmmm. Tough decisions, eh? Sawwwy, no I am not! You are failing to protect your babies and I am not sorry! Your excuses are just that. I think sometimes that the bigger sin is to stay silent. Nobody can make you hear. This is up to you!

God bless and protect those babies.

I don't really know about the shoe part here but I know I picked the wrong road and went back one too many times. I remember thinking 'he won't hurt me bad, I'm carrying his baby.' Wrong answer. :(
I wish there was a way for me to go back in time and make that choice over, I'd pick my child every time over the promise he wasn't going to beat me again because he did and it was more severe every time. I wasn't smart enough at the time to understand my child was taking the blows with me. Now I see it but a year ago I didn't. I can't imagine him hitting her after she was out of my womb, that makes me tear up just writing about here.
The day I buried my child I felt life was hopeless and meaningless. They would never tell me that she died from the beating but in my heart I believe she wasn't strong enough for the kicks to my stomach, me being choked or maybe it was the solid hits to the floor I took. She was with me every minute of it.
I believe your son is older though and this isn't about Pamela or me. I have fear for your son because I know if someone, anyone, even my father went after my mother I would try to stop it, I would get in the middle. Will your son do this too? If it came to that who would you chose? Would you defend your guy or your child? There's just so much to think about here my friend. And that's where you have it over me, I made my choice too late and I don't get that second chance. If I spilled my guts here to I apologize for that too.

Tamitha..........I have read a lot of post's on PTO and your's is the hardest to see....You cry out for help and understanding and when you get it, you reject it. :( I am not trying to be mean or critical, I just hope to say something that will penetrate your denial. I am not alone. Every poster is trying to do the same.

From this last incident with your son getting smacked (I would really like to know what he specifically did, I notice you left that out) by your boyfriend, I also hear that you are frustrated with your son and it sounds like you are leaving the discipline up to the bf, because as you said, you don't know what to do........:confused:

Let me try and put some perspective on this for you.......

1. Your bf is not your children's father.
2. Your bf is not your children's parent.
3. Your bf has no business disciplining your children. Even if you married him, he would be the Step parent and should be there as a good role model and to support YOUR parenting decisions.
4. You have given the man that hurt you in front of your children permission to raise his hand to them, why?
5. You have given your bf one more piece of control in your life, your children, why?
6. Your children have been betrayed and abandoned by their biological father b/c he is a sex offender.
7. You are willing to betray and abandon your children by letting a bf do your job, parent them, why?
8. You are so dependent on your bf, that you are not willing to make him leave, so that when Social Services comes to your house, you do not lose your children, why?
9. You hesitate to confide in your father, who would likely want to protect you and your children, why? Is it b/c you know you are wrong...
10. If your therapist is protecting your bf, then one of two things are going on....a. you are not being completely honest with her or b. she is not trained in dealing with DV..
11. Your children need help to deal with what they have already been through, their father's behavior and ultimate abadonment. You are not protecting them or giving them a safe environment, why?

Tamitha, I am sure that you have been traumatized by all you went through with your ex's behavior, but you still MUST be there to help your children get through this.

I have been in your shoes, so to speak, my children's father died when they were young, I was devastated.

One of my children were raped and threatened if they told, their family would be killed, I was devastated when I finally found out, three years later and had a child that was completely out of control.

I am still here, still helping, my now, grown children. I have had a hellava time, it hasn't been easy, it's been damn hard many, many times and days and weeks and months. But, please take it from a Mother that has not made all the right decisions but has worked very hard to help her children through some traumatic times and issues. Our job is never done and your children need you to act strong, even if you don't feel it, and to actively get it together for them. They are depending on you. They have only you to depend on. You have more strength in you than you think. Trust me on this one, I've been pushed to the brink and am still here and pretty much sane most of the time....lol

Get into a support group, take a good parenting class, read parenting books, do research...but do not lie down and let this man take over. He is not your children's parent nor does he possess the skills to parent. I know this from your story.....you do not smack a child for getting into trouble in school. What is that going to teach him or accomplish. The only things that were accomplished is that your bf got to take his frustration out on your child and your child is more hurt and angry....

PLEASE.........listen to the good, educated people here that are truly trying to help you......PLEASE..........pm me any time, I will be more than happy to talk with you.......~Cat

Great info for all.......

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm)

By no means am I trying to say that the diamonds and bears make up for things. I guess I'm just kinda numb. He thinks that is what you have to do to make a kid mind. That's what his dad did. I'm not excusing it. I don't even know what to do with my son sometimes. He doesn't listen to me at all and is constantly having to be picked up from school. I know it's going to come to a head soon. Probably when social services knocks at the door. I don't know what their normal procedure is. I think they will probably talk to my son at school today. I know I sound like a horrible mother but I'm really not, I just feel paralyzed. My Dad is coming to visit next weekend. He knows very little, I will try to tell him more. I'll know more after social services talks to my son. I do not know how to stop loving this man! Please don't tell me I'm selfish, I love my children, I'm just scared and confused. I will protect them.

Tamitha, I've been really worried about you for the past several days...I mean, I wake up in the middel of the night wondering about you, worring about you, worrying about your kids, wondering whether or not they're okay....whether you're all okay.

I know I sound harsh, hard, and angry most of the time, and sometims that's true. ...But the truth is, that I only have words to use to try to "guide" you. And there are so many people here who use a soft and gentle and diffusive tone of voice toward you....I am afraid for you enough that I choose to use the "edge" in my own voice when writing to you. ...Unlike others here, I've felt from the beginning that you are in immediate and serious danger, and your kids are, too, and that "waiting" to act will only make things worse, because the abuse will surely escalate.

Tamitha, I really really do care about you and your kids. I'm very worried about you, and FOR you...and FOR them and about them (kids), too.

Are you safe today? Do you have support for yourself and/or them...today? Have you spoken to your father about what's happening to you yet? OMG I hope so. PLEASE take care of yourself, okay? I'll be thinkin' about you, and praying for you, for your safety and peace of mind.

Anxious and Anguished,
Northstar

Tamitha, I am speaking as a mother, which I am 3 times over. I have a daughter your age, and I believe your father has the right to know. We do not like it when someone mistreats our children! It brings out the rattlesnake in me!!! I'm 5' and 100 #, but I've got a cast iron skillet that would fit his head perfectly if he ever laid one hand on one of mine!!!!!Get out of ther while you still have both children, are you gonna let DCF take them away from you because of your neglance? (I'm not saying your neglegent, but DCF will if they see that a boyfriend is beating on the kids.)

I have 12 acres and 3 houses here in MS, if you need a place to go, PM me and we'll make it happen...get out of there!!!!!!!!!!!!I'm not versed enough in ths form to be smart enough to quote things in other msg's into mine yet, but while I'm on a roll I'm just gonna keep going. (Just like a mother huh?)
Northstar, you go girl...I agree 100% with everything you say. A child raised in violence, knows only violence. That is a perfect picture of a disfunctional family if I ever saw one. That man is poosion to you and your family. How do you stop loving him? Look at what a cruel , hateful, manipulative, demon of evil that he is, and yes, the devil is the most beautiful face you have ever seen. Even God said so. Diamonds? good for him, now go to the pawn shop and cash them in and get a ticket for you and those kids as far away from the hell hole you are allowing your children to grow up in. A child is to be adored, not terrified! Your son is in therapy? why? Did it start when this jerk moved in? Honey I'm not badgerin g you, I am scared to death for you, and have had you on my mind and in my prayers ever since you starting posting.
Afraid to tell him, maybe it will go away? The reason you are in fear and thinking this way, is the calm before the storm, AN YOU KNOW THIS WHY? BECAUSE IT WILL HAPPEN OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER AGAIN!!! AND YOU, DEEP DOWN INSIDE KNOW THIS.
Psalms36:11,12: "Don't let these proud men trample me. Don't let their wicked hands push me around. Look! They have fallen. They are thrown down and will not rise again!"
Someone on the form last night asked the question. Is it ok that I am angry? Yes anger gets you to move in the right direction of protection if you use it wisely. It is a survival devise.
Psalms 37:12-15: "The Lord is laughing at those who plot against the Godly, for he knows their judgement day is coming. Evil men take aim to slay the poor and weak; they are ready to butcher those who do right.
But their swords will be plunged into their own hearts and all their weapons will be broken, but the Lord takes care of those he has forgiven."
So for the one that asked will they go to hell because of their anger? No, as the Lord for guidence for your footsteps and ank Him to come into your hear and heal you...and He will.
Psalms 37:8-11: Stop your anger! Turn off your wrath. Don't fret and worry - it only leads to harm. For the wicked shall be destroyed, but those who trust the Lord shall be given every blessing. Only a little while and the wicked shall disappear. You will look for them in vain. But all who humble themselves before the Lord shall be given every blessing, and shall have wonderful peace."
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world so much that He gave his only Son so that anyone who believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Because the wicked have no fear of God, nothing restrains them from sinning. They plunge ahead as if nothing will happen to them. But God is just and is only delaying their punishment. God loves us, judges evil, and will care for us through out eternity.

Psalms 37:33: "But the Lord will not let these evil men succeed, nor let the godly be condemned when they are brought before the judge." This time the judge will be God himself!

I too, keep you on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers, along with all the other women out there in similar situations...Don't wait, please...

Tamitha, (I love that name),
Long story short, My "ex" - was my college sweetheart. We had the "honeymoon" period, gifts, flowers, attention, etc, etc, then jealousy. Fast forward, I'm pregnant with number 2. he doesn't want another child yet, wants me to abort, I refuse, he tried to push me down 3 flights of stairs, that's it. I'm out of that relationship. I'm living alone, he broke in, woke me up, and literally spit in my face, I asked how can you do this? he said, "easy" and did it again. He moved back out of state. fast forward a few years, he got visitation of the kids. My son appeared scared of him, his behavior was off the wall. later, it comes out that he was molested by him, my daughter was as well. My son's behavior was always off the wall! I did keep him "safe", my present husband is not abusive. well, that son is sooooo effected by his past, he remained violent, and is in prison for a violent crime. (12 years). by age 6, school teachers had a hard time with my son. 6th grade- he got kicked out of the small, private school. junior high- got kicked out of public school! age 11- started drinking, having sex with a neighborhood girl, and was sneaking out of the house at night. shortly after that, he was in lock up. teens- in and out of lock up. twenty's - prison.
My message is see what that short period of violence did in my son's life? I don't want your son to be like mine. My son is dangerous. I thank God he's in prison, I would be scared right now if he wasn't! Your son can't have more violence in his life. He needs to heal from the SA. Is he is in counseling with a therapist that specializes in SA? EMDR type therapy works wonders. It's one thing I did not know about back when my son was young. I wish I had.
Another thing- about 4 years ago I remembered parts of my childhood. I was sexually abused. I had always thought that I was, remembered parts of it, but couldn't remember the voice. Then, I did remember the voice. (the perp. died years ago). Have you looked at your own childhood? On some level, maybe I was trying to "fix" my perp. by getting involved with the wrong type of men. Thankfully, I broke that pattern in my life, sadly, I feel that it was passed onto my son. I'm praying my daughter marry's a "good" man.
Please get rid of that man in your life, he's no man. Real men, are gentlemen. every child deserves to have a safe, happy childhood. You deserve to have a good man in your life. don't settle for anything less! i know, it's hard to reprogram the thinking in your head, but it can be done. I'm living proof of that! get your child safe now, I don't want it to be to late for him. Life can be better for you! Stay strong, don't give up, you can do this!

Tamitha,
One more thing- my "ex" sadly is married with an 11 year old boy. His wife lost a baby at birth. (that's the blessed child!). My "ex" got off on a technicality. (laws were different in the 80's). anyway...
I saw my "ex's" wife once- in court. My "ex" had sued me for slander, that case got dismissed about 2 years ago, after 7 years. (see the control in him?????)
The ex- her diamond ring, looked more like a victorian door knob!!!! Even my attorney's commented on that!!!
I always think of the song, "Lord, you are more beautiful then diamonds, Lord, you are more costly then Gold, Lord you are more precious then silver, and nothing I desire can compare with you."
May the Lord bless you this day, and your family. May He keep you safe.

Please don't tell me I'm selfish, I love my children, I'm just scared and confused. I will protect them.

who protected your child when he was smacked? it wasnt you. and I seriously dont understand how a DV therapist would recommend an abuser to stay with the abused.

Is this love for a man stronger than the love of your children? If someone had harmed my child in any shape or form we wouldnt be in this forum discussing the abuse. we would be in the headed to prison forum.

You have a lot deeper issues then anyone on this board can help you with.
1. You cut your self. That is a deep deep problem for you. Do you think your kids do not no this?
2. You have chose this kind of life because you like it.
3. Your son is disturbed because of WHAT HE HAS HEARD AND SEEN GO OWN IN THAT HOME.
4. Until you get help for your self, You are raising a bunch of very disturbed children.
5. I would still turn you in if i lived near you. Enough is enough.
6. Since the children can not help there self I would have to call DHR.

I was the child in a DV relationship. My mother left my father to be with a man who treated her as bad as bad gets. He put her in the hospital many times. They had two children of their own, both grew up in foster care. My little brother tried to save our mother - he was five years old. He suffered a broken nose because of it. He still remembers it to this day. He grew up fearing relationships because he was afraid he'd turn out like his father.. When I was fifteen years old I tried to defend my mother by getting in the abusers way. He put his hands around my neck and squeezed really hard. My mother did nothing to protect me because was too hurt by his beating. Thankfully my boyfriend came and pulled him away from me. The abuser could have killed me that day. I grew up knowing that my mother never loved me like she should have, because she put HIM first. He is dead now. She's still alive, but we don't have much contact. I can't forget what she put us all through. She had a choice to protect her children, but she chose not to.

Don't make the same mistakes my mother did. Protect your children. My mother has four children and seven grand children, but she is a very lonely woman. She lost us all... And we - her children - all lost our childhood.

I was married to a man who abused me ( he never hit my children his children too- but me - he did alot) I left him, it took alone time to do that, quess I was a sucker for punishment. The kids are grown now with families of thier own theylove there dad( but they do not respect him) they do me,,but they would not even respect me if I had stayed in it ( I did too long) once they hit you and yell and call names ,,lie what ever,,thats telling you,,that you can not trust them and with out trust you have nothing.( and thats not love either) dont let him hit you one min and tell you Im sorry the next I love you,,cause thats just not true,,you just want to believe this cause you love him, but really when your away from him awhile you will realise you dont love someone who dont love you,.Your childrens love is unconditonal ( you cant beat that ) they are babies only once ;) you should give them the best life possible..give them good memories,, and yourself too...time goes by fast,,dont waste it,, My prayers are with you... Debbie

I've been absent from the forums for a little bit and have to admit that I'm quite dismayed that you're still with this man. I'm a lot more upset that things have escalated to include violent acts against children. We've been through the legal discussions and even quite a bit of emotional ones. I think you probably have a very good handle on the danger you and your children face but arent ready to accept it.

Please, tell me why you stay! Can you tell me 5 good things that this man brings to your life? Then think to yourself, if you are even able to come up with that list... do they cancel out the dozens of negatives we've been talking about here?

Hi Tamitha.......I see you are haven't posted and there have been many replies to your latest post.....I hope you are doing well.....I didn't realize it at first...but your boyfriend was recently released from prison for domestic violence.....and when I saw that, my heart dropped to my stomach....I hope you are reading the posts that so many of us poured our hearts out to you....Please let us know how you are..........~Cat

I keep coming back here and trying to post. It's hard cause I know everyone thinks I'm crazy to stay in this relationship. I want to tell you all about the good and the bad. I'm just afraid of being made to feel ashamed. I do appreciate all you have to say for the most part. I don't know how else to explain it.

Things at home have been going well. My BF is spending a lot more positive time with the kids. He has a hard time saying out loud that he is ever wrong but he DOES change behaviors when I point things out. I don't expect miracles but I do have hope.

FriendlyDA, you asked for 5 good things that this man brings to my life.... well, here goes.....

1. Love, I can honestly say that no one has ever shown my love in a relationship before.

2. He does love the kids. He wants to be a good father. And although he is very strict (and i don't mean physically, that was a one time thing and it was only a smack for a 8 year old boy that was being incredibly disrespectful) he also is very constructive with them. He teaches them things, does homework with them and is very playful.

3. He works full time, very hard. He works with me as a team to support my kids and our home.

4. He and I lean on each other to stay out of trouble. No drinking, no smoking, no drugs.... We have fun together, bowling (with and without the kids), lasertag, the beach, movies, etc...

5. We both have some serious baggage and I truely believe that we will both be stronger for it. He is treating me better and better. I don't believe it is the honeymoon thing anymore cause he admits that he has to work on certain things. He is learning to take accountability and knows I won't take the blame for anything he does.

I kow there are bad points too. I live with it in my head everyday. I'm just not certain that not giving us as a family a chance is the right thing to do.

I know you were talking to the DA Tamitha but I just wanted to tell you that I don't want you to be ashamed to post here. I hope everything works out for you, your kids and your boyfriend. I hope that you are one of the lucky one who never will be hit or terrorized again. :grouphug:

Hi Sokie,
I haven't checked in here for a while. Just thought I'd say Hi and let everyone know that things are still OK. Parts of our relationship are getting stronger and stronger still. Right now, though, there are to many of his old friends around and it can mean nothing but trouble with some of them. One in particular is always around, always trying to get him to go to the bar or to smoke weed. It's getting frustrating but I'm hoping it will change soon.

Hi Tamitha :wave:
I often wonder about you and sometimes click on your name to see if you are still around and coming online (I am practicing being a nosey old lady :p)
I am glad that you are feeling safe and some parts of your relationship are becoming stronger because I know where your heart lays. ;) Please keep letting me (us) know you are okay.
Love, sokie

Tamitha - what are YOU doing? Are you going to therapy? Is he? Is someone trying to actually change here or are the two of you just talking to your own bellybuttons?

I am in therapy. I have been for quite a while. And, yes, I'm honest with my therapist about the abuse. He is not in therapy however. He knows and has admitted that what he did was wrong he just doesn't believe in therapy because of many bad experiences as a child. I hope he will eventually do it on his own. I don't want to push it cause he has to cause he wants to. I do believe that we are both trying to change. He moves further and further from his old ways everyday. Me....I am back in school working towards my degree!! Yay! at 37 that is such a big thing for me. He is very supportive which is critical. I work full time so I am taking night classes and he has to do a lot more with the kids.

:shrug:
The one thing I have learned threw my 'test' of being hurt is no matter what I say you won't be done until you have had enough Tam. I only wish you the best and will be here for you, good or bad. :) (And I only want you to be safe) I love you my friend, sokie

Well, I think you should get over him NOW. My daughters dad always use to drag me by my hair, slap me, emotionally abuse me too. I thought I loved him, and everybody always told me it would just get worse, but I ofcourse didn't want to believe that.
Well, the night of January 26, 2007 he beat me half to death in front of my daughter. The whole left side of my face & left side of my head got staples in it + I'll never be able to see again perfectly out of my left eye. He is still in the county jail on a attempted murder charge , we're waitting for the trial because he did not take what the DA offered (50 years).
If a man has the nerve to hit you once, he will do it again. And if he loved you, he would've never hit you the first time.
You may not be ready to believe that now, but you will 1 day.

I am in therapy. I have been for quite a while. And, yes, I'm honest with my therapist about the abuse.

...I am back in school working towards my degree!! Yay! at 37 that is such a big thing for me.... I work full time so I am taking night classes

It's good to hear from you, Tamitha. JUST LOOK AT ALL YOU'VE MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH!! You have every right to be PROUD of yourself!! With all of this hard work (and we KNOW it's hard), don't forget to take some time for YOU, too. Thanks so much for stoppin' by and checkin' in....I've thought of you during these past months and have hoped for you and with you. Take care of yourself and your children, and don't forget that there are people who care about you here at PTO...
Northstar

Thank you all so much! It means a lot to know you are here for me.

Well here I am. Probably the post everyone has been waiting for...... I am in the process of ending everything. He has started using meth again and his temper has gotten worse and the abuse has escalated. I have found a sober living home that will take him but he has to request it. I haven't talked to him today. But I will not go home until he is gone. I have a safe place for me and the kids to stay. Please, everyone pray for me and the kids....and him. If I see him I will crumble. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I love him so so much.

Hugs, Tam! Yes it's hard - you will do anyway. The good thing is that you were at least a little prepared with what to do and where to go. . . stay very safe!

Aw, Sweetie, I'm sorry it had to come to a crisis but I'm very grateful that you're doing what you need to do to keep you and the kids safe... you'll get through it and we'll be here to listen.

I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, the fact that you're not putting up with his awful behavior is helping him more than if you stay and pretend it's not happening. He needs to hit bottom-to get help. It sounds horrible, and it is horrible, but it's true.

DAMN GIRL U NEED A MAN WHO IS GONNA TREAT YOU U GOOD AND RESPECT YOU NEED TO GET OVER THAT FOOL AND FIND SOMEONE WHO IS GONNA TREAT LIKE A QUEEN YOU ARE:blah::idea:

I doubt any of us that come across this will be happy or want to tell you "I told you so". :( It's a sad situation my friend, sorry you are going threw it. ((hugs)) sokie

He just called me. He's hysterical that I'm not there right now. He said he's coming off the drugs and needs me to hold him. This is so fucking hard. He's tearing up the house and himself and there is nothing I can do but sit here at work. I love this man so fucking much. I don't know what to do. Well, I know I have to stand my ground and pray that everything turns out ok. But I don't believe it will anymore. He will always be a part of my life and if he doesn't get well, my life will forever be a nightmare. If he does get well..........well that's the storybook happily ever after that you all say is impossible. I feel so empty. I feel like I am abandoning him when he needs me the most.

Baby, hang tough- I understand about the feeling that you're failing him, but Sweetheart, he needs more help than you can give him and NO ONE can help him find his way out of the addiction cycle until HE wants it- I mean really, truly wants it... All you can do by trying to stick it out is to enable him and to put yourself and, more importantly, your children at risk.

You must do what's best for your children and providing them with safety and stability has to be your top priority... I know it's hard, but it just has to be this way- for all of your sakes.

I am so trying to see the positive, but I truely feel like I am dying!!! Now I wish there was some drug that would make me feel better......this hurts so bad. An undercover sheriff just pulled up to my work and I freaded out. He was looking for a different company but I was sure my boyfriend was either in the car or he was coming to tell me something horrible had happened. I totally lost it. You know my BF has no one. I know I can't be there for him I just wish someone could. I think I'm going to have my dad come stay with me this weekend. Unless, of course, my BF ends up locked up. I so very much hate my world right now.

If you help him while he is using, you are helping him kill himself. Sorry, but it's true. Yes, he's miserable-thats because drugs make your life miserable. YOU are not the problem, and YOU are NOT the solution here.

It's not okay for your life to be a nightmare if he never gets sober. That's tying your happiness to his boat, and you need your own boat. YOU are responsible for YOUR life, and HE is responsible for HIS life.

I URGE you to go to an Al anon meeting as quickly as you can. Your survival-and his may depend on it. Strangely enough, the healthier and happier you can be without him, the more likely HE is to get well on his own. The more you "help" him and hold him and dry his tears and let him hurt you, the sicker you both will be-and he will ultimately die inside and outside of his drug abuse.

I am sorry to speak so roughly to you but it may be the difference between your life-and his-and death. I know you love him. But you MUST love yourself more. Addiction is a FAMILY disease and in your own way, you are as sick as he is right now. GET HELP NOW.
http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html
with love,
Sarah

...I want to add, the reason your boyfriend has noone is because he's using drugs. If he was sober and going to meetings (or even not going to meetings) he could have normal, loving people in his life.

He has a disease. You taking his calls, and giving him anything while he continues to use -making his life even 1% easier for him while he continues to use-only encourages him to use more.

You are worth more than drugs or a life on drugs. You need to be with other people right now-talking to other people-who have gone through similar things and can be there with you through the pain.

Just as getting sober isn't something you can do by yourself, getting off the "drug" of believing you can help your boyfriend, or believing if his life is over your life is over (codependency) is NOT something you can do alone.

I have so much respect for you having the courage to post this here. Admitting you are powerless over him and this disease is the first step.

Tamitha, any time you left would be when he needs you most . . . that's the hook! When he's most remorseful about hurting you is when he needs you the most. When he's needing drugs is when he needs you most. When he's psychotic is when he needs you most.

The love and need are so toxic . . . to you. For him your devotion is just another drug, and he hates getting de-addicted and not having his other drug. But remember the price of that devotion - your kids grow up inside a violent home, you lose your soul.

Tamitha,
I just went back and read the beginning of your thread and I am so sorry that you have been hurt and continue to hurt! I pray that god gives you the strength to overcome this situation. Please think of yourself and your children they need you and you deserve so much better. I want to tell you my story I think its a happening ending for me, a year ago today I wouldnt have,

I have never posted my story here before, but I married at that young age of 18 with a baby already. I was still a kid and so was he that was my famous excuse. I stayed with him for 10 years. For about 9 years the abuse was just emotional and verbal and I didnt even realize that was abuse, then a year ago the abuse became violent. In November of 2006 I came home from work late due to the roads being icy, my daughter was already home, when I got home he was angry and I was trying to explain and the next thing I know was I saw a frying pan flying at my head, ducked and missed me and my daughter who was standing next to me, then I went and tried to get some things so my daughter and I could leave and guess what no such luck, when I went to get some clothes I came out and doors locked and I was going no where, so we had to spend the whole night with him, eventually he calmed down and passed out and then my daughter and I left and went to a hotel, since my family lives an hour from me. The next day I took my daughter to school, and went back to try and figure out our life, because me to I was so in love with him, I didnt even know how I would survive without him. Thats what they want us to think! He was so sorry and it would never happen again, RIGHT!! It didnt for awhile, but what did happen was he actually had another relationship with another woman, so finally with the help of my family and friends, I moved out in Dec 2007. From there I was so weak, I didnt know how I would survive this on my own and he told me over and over that noone would ever want me and I believed him. Then his relationship must have ended because he was so sorry even crying wanted his family back and I wanted to give it a try, however I decided that I wanted to live on my own and start from there, and he was ok with it for awhile, but then he felt that he had lost control of me and he was not having that at! By 6-07 I decided no more, I deserved better and so did my daughter, I knew this with my head, but my heart was lonely, but I kept telling myself that. He would continue to call and cut me down to no end and my friends and family kept telling me to be strong and I deserve better this went on until 8-22-07 in August he sent me a text message saying that at our town festival that weekend I would no longer be breathing and he would have taken care of me. I was like whatever, he wont hurt me in front of people, he came to the festival to watch our daughter dance and then I never saw him again so I was right he was just trying to scare me so when 9-24-07 came and he said the same thing I didnt believe him, that night I will never forget, my daughter and I had just got home for the gym and we were getting ready for bed. It was about 930pm I went to bed and she did. The next thing I am hearing is a commotion outside and guess what he was there to get me with his friends, however he called my daughter first and told her that he had brought her a toy so to open the door, so she was excited and she opened the door and then thats when I got up, went out there and he was there with 3 of his friends and current girlfriend, they had my driveway blocked, my back door blocked, I knew my life was over, I begged him to take me outside so my daughter would not see this but he didnt care, he started beating me first with him fist then with a stick and kicking me the whole time I am trying to get away from him and I couldnt, I saw my daughter hiding in the bathroom and she was on the phone with the police and my neighbor who is my best friend heard and came over and finally the beating ended, he then was arrested for 3rd degree domestic assualt and battery and child endangerment, and child abuse. So now I have a house full of cops, emts and domestic violence people questioning me and my daughter taking pictures of me. The next day I go and file a protection order against him, and you wont believe this he wants to protest this so I have to go to court with my now 10 year old daughter and testify against him to get my protection order instate, which I won and then he had court and I thought he would be going away for a long time, WRONG, somehow I have no idea how he only got probation, when I ended up with 2 black eyes, broken ribs, and collar bone. Am I scared of him, yes everyday! I have to believe that the paper I have to keep him away works. I have been in therapy for 9 months now and I have learned its not me it was him, and that I do deserve better for me and my daughter. If you dont think your children know they do, my daughter has never talked about it to me, because she dont want me to remember, but she has told my parents about the years of abuse and she told them she is glad its only us and that I am finally happy! I also didnt know how I was going to support us, but luckily for me I was able to get a degree years prior and put it to work as an accountant. I Thank god everyday for my life and my daughter and the strength. As I am writing this I am crying because this is the first time I have ever told my story outside of court. So for me my happy ending is being by myself and knowing that I will be ok. Will I be alone the rest of my life like he told me? I dont know, and really dont care, because I know that I have to take care of my baby and she doesnt deserve that kind of life. I am sorry this is so lengthy but I hope you can see that you and your children deserve better and that you will be ok. Love Always

If you REALLY love him, do him a favor, and let him learn there a consequenses for such behavior. If your son were to beat your daughter, whom he "loves", would you not punish him, to teach him there are consequenses for such actions?
People like this are self centered and become enraged when things don't go as they expect. They need to be in CONTROL, or they lose it. They're insecure.
Everybody has to deal with rules and consequenses. Let him learn he's not any different... If you really love him, you'll want to get him help. He's like a little boy, who can't have his way, and throws a tantrum....
Someone with such a compassionate and caring personality like yours, is bad news for a person like him. Like an accident waiting to happen. He needs someone who he can respect as their own person. Someone he can't manipulate.
If you really love him, let him go. The two of you, together, makes for an explosive relationship. Don't allow that, for you children's sake, if not for yourself! How do you think they feel, to see their Mommy hurt like this?
Don't blame yourself though, for what he did.....It would be nice if everyone could be as gentle and forgiving as you. but that's not reality.... There "IS" a real MAN out there for you, and he's not the one...God will direct you...
Your children are a part of you, and they NEED you. Put THEM first. Get totally involved in their lives... You'll be much happier., and get over him more quickly.
I'm sorry for you, that it can't work out. It's sad to have to hurt inside and out, but remember, you don't have to. It's your choice...
You're in my prayers!
I've been there...
My 1st marriage was like this.. Needless to say, I took the kids and left.

Hi,
I didn't read through this entire thread, but I think I wrote you earlier. This isn't love, Love is not violent, or mean.
Leave, and follow through with it. don't look back. In time, with healing, you will say to yourself, "what was I ever thinking?" Also, as you began to heal, look at your own childhood, I did, and that has explained a lot to me. I know where my mistakes come from, and thank God, I have taken steps in my life so that the past will not be repeated. This is my life, I can and will leave a healthy legacy for my children. You can too! You can be happy, you can learn what true love is, you can model true love for your kids. We're all supportive of your decision to leave, trust US, really leave. Don't go back, get and stay safe!

Hi everyone, and Thanks (I just figured out how to use the little Thanks icon). Well I did fold a little yesterday. But I don't think he is very happy with the new me emerging. I told him we could talk and he could come home. Well we didn't talk much cause he was exhausted. It must be rough having to sleep off God only knows how much dope. So we cuddled last night, of course. I think that is what I needed to be able to let go easier. I know that sounds weird, but I feel a lot better today. He woke up being the same old asshole. And to justify his mood he tried to bring up the fact that I didn't come home the night before and stayed with a friend (female) of mine at a hotel. She, of course, is a whore and if that's the way I want to live then I guess we're done. That is what he said. I just lifted my eyebrows like "OK". I'm so not gonna beg you to stay. Inmatemama was so so right! He is such a child who can't stand to not get his way! He wants me to beg him to stay and I won't. I have always been the emotional one and when I stare at him like I don't give a fuck it shocks the hell out of him. So, anyways, I will be interested to see what he does this morning.

Oh, by the way, he is losing his job cause today will be his 3rd day of no call, no show. He actually thinks he can blame me for this too. He says that when I called his case worker to try and get him into a sober living home (which was a success if he'll go) he says she will tell his work he was getting high. So that's his excuse not to make right his job situation!! Whatever, I'm done taking the blame and done covering for him. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts like crazy but I gotta stay in this emotion to survive right now.

Hon, be very careful right now - if he fails at this job, and feels you detaching, he's going to get worse. Fast! And this isn't a spoiled child . . . this is a full-grown man with no brakes on his aggression who can do immense damage in a heartbeat. This isn't going to slide away. You are going to become the focus for ALL of his disappointments and failures.

Have you taken any precautions???????????????????

I don't know what I can do other than have others around always. I don't feel like I can plan anything until I know what he does today. I get off work at 11 so he has to have my car back to me by then. I have multiple places I can go to if I have to. I just don't want to give him control of my house again.

"Failure to plan is planning to fail". The problem is not having a place to go, it's getting away so you can go there! You're leaving an awful lot to the whimsy of his mood, and that means you have no safety. Get yourself some pepper spray, stash a couple of throw-away phones with 911 programmed in and stash them around the house. Have spare car keys, and be able to go if he decides to trash the car (had that happen). Have bags packed for you and kid and stash them AWAY from the house. The house isn't any good to you if you're in the hospital or the morgue. Never be in a room without 2 exits or with weapons in it. Have escape ladders at a couple of windows.

Wow! Thanks for reminding me. I have pepper spray. He actually bought it for me over a year ago but I have kept it at work because of his parole. It is now with me! I will definately do the bags somewhere else thing. It really sucks to think of him as such a monster but I am no longer willing to take that chance. I'm still limping cause I think he broke my foot! He actually didn't mean to but he was in a rage. He threw my phone down and it hit my foot. He said "I didn't mean to do that". It welted immediately so he knew it was bad, he may not have meant it but he didn't even say sorry! F**k that! I haven't gone to the doctor though cause I don't think there is anything they can do but tell me to try to stay off it.

Do you seriously think he didn't mean it? It didn't hit HIS foot, did it? Wasn't HIS phone, was it? How come? Well, because he has permission from you to destroy everything you own or care about or think. You gave it to him.

The weak shall perish. The strong shall survive. Which do you want to be?

Tamitha, I have not been on this board for a while, but I am aghast. You are now physically compromised because of what he did to your foot. He takes advantage of your kindness and he plays you like a fiddle. Please don't try to stand up to him - even with your pepperspray. I think that you should have some intervention from the police and get him removed and get some protective orders in place, not that I think they are a true security. You will need to stay on your toes, but you need him and his drugs out of you and your childrens' lives. You are not safe. Someone suggested alanon. It is a great idea for you to have keys to removing/separating yourself and stopping your codependency. Please check back in not too long from now - so we know you and the kids are okay. You are their lifeblood. They need and depend on you.

God bless. I am praying for your safety and ultimate healing.

Darling- RUN... Your actual life may be in danger. Certainly your emotional and physical safety are at risk, along with the emotional and physical safety of your children.

Stop excusing what he does!
"He actually didn't mean to but he was in a rage"...Puleese!
Do you actually want that to be written on your headstone?
This man is DANGEROUS!
Please, please, please think of who REALLY needs you- your children!
GET OUT OF HIS RANGE!

Tamitha, I said earlier to be very careful - that doesn't mean ease your way out! It means that you are in absolute, total, complete danger.

You've got to take this more seriously than you are doing. You can't sluff off into "oh well, if he really does something bad . . . ". He's doing it!!!!

Get the hell OUT!

Wow, Tamitha, I just read this whole thread and need to say, wow. You have heard some pretty strong opinions here (including mine) about what you should do-opinions that I am guessing from your subsequent posts you aren't necessarily too happy to hear-that you might wish and hope and pray you don't have to hear.. And yet..you have the courage to come back to this thread...and keep telling the truth about what's really happening with your guy. Even if you know we're all going to tell you to leave again and again. I just want to tell you I admire your honesty. With us and with yourself. You've been working so hard on these issues for so long. Yes, I'm worried about you. A lot of people on here are, I think. But I also am seeing a woman who is smart-and who is brave. These are not easy decisions. I think a lot of us, I know me anyway-really struggled for a long time before getting to a place where I had to go. In telling my story, I wish I could say, I woke up one day and went, ta-da! I'm outta here! But really, it took a lot of conversations in my head, a lot of false starts, a lot of not being sure what the heck to do,a lot of tears, alot of second and third and fifteenth chances. It's really easy across the computer screen to hear your story and say, girlfriend, dump this jerk!!! But I know it's soooo much harder and more complicated than that. It's so scary to leave. It's so scary to believe, based on NO information, NO proof, that there is something better out there for you. It's scary to imagine yourself alone...and impossible to believe you will be happy without this guy. I get that. I get that because I was there too.
You stay safe. And you keep posting the truth-your truth. Because noone-not this guy, not us, not your therapist-can take that away from you. YOU are an experiment of one. And YOU will do what YOU need to do, when YOU need to do it.
(but for heavensakes...do it soon, okay?? Sorry...there I go again....)
xxos

One more thing...did it ever occur to you...that maybe once you do leave this guy, after all this crap and abuse and fear ..maybe very soon...it will finally be your turn to be happy?

Your turn has been a long time coming, Tamitha. Maybe it's time now.

Tamitha - are you OK tonight????

I'm still here and I'm OK. Thanks everyone. Everything has been pretty calm. I think that he is off the drugs, at least for now. That is why he is being so calm right now. He is afraid that he is going to get violated by his parole officer today. There's a part of me, actually a big part, that hopes this happens. It will be the easiest way out. Not that any of this is easy. I am actually the one who got angry several times this weekend. I think it shocked the heck out of him. But I have taken so much bullshit from him that sometimes I just want to scream it all back at him. But on the other hand I still love him very much.

Anyways, I am probably just rambling now but I will keep you all posted and thank you thank you thank you for all of your support.

Stay safe Tamitha. ((hugs)) sokie

I guess this is the latest update. I know he started using again yesterday. At least it has put him in a good mood for now. I pretty sure he is going to be checked on by his PO tomorrow. If that happens, I'm sure he'll pick him up. Something better happen before he gets yucky again......I've already decided that if he goes to prison (or when he goes) I will keep writing, but no 2 1/2 hour rides each way every weekend. I'm looking for a second job right now anyways. So I won't have time. Wow. What I night mare. I think I am kinda glad he did what he did last night cause it makes it easier for me. If that is possible.

This just really really sucks!!! I f**king love this man and believed he felt the same. We had are wedding planned and everything. What a discusting nightmare your heart can open you up to. I hope I can stay bitter so I don't ever get hurt again. I hate so many people right now. I wish there was some way to escape.

There is always a way to escape. You will leave when you are no longer willing to take this kind of crap for yourself and your kids. You just may not be at that point yet, and that is okay. You are where you are.

It's not even a matter of me leaving. I own the home. He has to go and has no where to go. I know what is going to happen when he is in prison. He is going to realize all of his wrongs and please forgive me and all that crap. But I've already decided that he can't parole to my house again. The only way I will give him another chance is if he gets serious help, such as a sober living home with intense Domestic Violence counseling and parenting classes. If he can't handle all of that then he doesn't love us. Maybe he was just using me all along.

Tamitha, he's no more aware of what he's doing than a parasitic worm looking for a host body. . . bitterness won't fix that, or you. Bitterness will eat YOU alive and do nothing for him, so you better double up on those therapy sessions and learn to let go of that.

Tamitha, stop it!
Stop holding on.
This man is a dangerous, self serving meth addict and will ruin your life or end it.
WHEN he goes back to prison, do not accept his calls, do not visit, do not write for at least 6 months- I believe you'll be surprised to find that after 6 months, you have no desire at all to re-connect.

Just thought I'd say Hi. It's been a while with no one to talk to. How is everyone?

Sugar! Glad to see you!
For the most part, things around here are just like you remember.... the important question is "How are YOU?"

What finally happened? Is this guy still out and using? I truly hope your doing really well. And I must add that staying away for 6 months is a wonderful suggestion, because you do end up not having any desire to write, see or have anything to do with them after that length of time! Hope your doing really well!

Hey girl~~~~~very good to see you're still around! Feeling better?

Here goes.....He was arrested in August. No charges just a violation for possession and under the influence. He was released after Christmas. Of course I wrote, of course I visited, of course he came home to me, and of course I still love him. He has not shown any violence but he has not been able to find work (mostly because of his criminal background and the fact that EVERYONE needs a job right now). Well, I believe he has started using again. Here is the really sucky part. When he went to the Commissioner at his Board hearing he litterally begged for help with his addiction. He hasn't been able to get into any program because he has no drug charges. The commissioner put down that he was ordered (or recommended) a drug program upon release. I was very happy with that. But he ended with a parole agent who obviously doesn't give a crap. He pretty much told him no terms and no program and he hasn't even checked on him once after their initial meeting. So, yes, I know it's his fault and his choice that he is using but Damn doesn't the system want to help these people that have a serious addiction? I don't know where to get help or who to go to.

OK, there's my update......Physically, I am fine, no more abuse. But emotionally I am a mess who lives with constant anxiety.

Thanks everyone who cares, has any advice (other than the obvious 'leave him') and especially thanks to those who remember me. I had a hard time coming back after the Sokie thing...I really trusted her.

So, perhaps it's up to him to get help . . . not wait and just hang out and hope someone else does it for him. Still on him, and eventually this tension is going to blast your health, girl. If you don't know this already, constant tension is a producer of several hormones that work against good health - they promote heart disease, potentiate diabetes, etc. Think about it.

I also want to mention that severe stress and anxiety age you tremendously! On the issue of his wanting help for his drug problem, if you have the 211 system in your state, have him call that for help for his drug problem, other than that, he doesnt need anyone to pay or make him go to the version of alcoholics anonymous, but for drug use ( cant remember the name, sorry.) If he truly wishes to quit his addiction, then he needs to start going to those meetings and get a sponsor. He might also meet someone there who knows of any jobs he might be able to get. He's gotta step out and change himself, even if he goes into a drug program, its still gotta be his decision to stop using, there isnt any program that will change him, he must really want to change himself. I'm glad your all right for the most part and glad there hasnt been anymore abuse. Just keep your eyes peeled and if you ever "feel" it coming, listen to your inner voice and leave no matter what, dont let anything hold you back to keep from being hurt again. I'm talking leave so you dont get hurt, you'll actually "leave " him when and if you finally have had enough of it. Take Care

Well Tamitha, I'm glad to see that you are ok. Sad to see that you are still trying to "fix" him.

From personal experience, the emotional effects of abuse are often times worse than the physical, unless of course the physical is severe and disfiguring. The emotional damage can take longer to heal, but healing is all part of the process. I agree that 6 months away from him will begin to help you see a difference. It has been just over 8 months for me and finally I think he is giving up. It does not get better and remember old habits die hard. In order for him to change, he has to separate himself from his old way of life and his old friends. If he is not willing to do that, or doesn't recognize that he has a problem, then he can't be helped.

You request advice other than the obvious leave him. Your choices then become to accept the treatment and walk on eggshells, which is not healthy for you or your kids. And, as was said before it gets worse - even when you don't think you have done anything wrong, they snap for no apparent reason. As someone said in a much earlier post, you could just look at him wrong - sad, nervous, etc. and it will provoke violence. I hope you see before it is too late that protecting you and your kids is what's important. Make positive choices for them so they don't become the abuser or victim.

Other advise other than leave him - In addition to your counselor, find a good support group in addition to PTO. Fortunately, my kids were never exposed to abuse so when it came knocking they were/are MY BEST support group. Begin to find out what you're worth because once you figure out what you're worth and how you deserve to be treated, you will no longer settle.

Good Luck!

Liz

I have read the entire post and I feel compelled to tell you something other than "leave him." After my father died, my mother married a horrible man. He beat her daily, smacked my sister around like a rag doll, and soaked my brother in bleach! He also beat my brother with a board that had nails in it. My brother forgot to brush his teeth before school. He was 8. He was forced to brush his teeth with Comet. My mother sat there and did NOTHING. Every time, she let whatever happen. I was the oldest and for some reason, he did not hit me. He did make me watch. I hated him, and I hated my mother for allowing this to happen. I hated her for not sticking up for the little ones at least. There was no Child protective services at the time. Did this guy drink? Yes! Did he take drugs? I don't know and I don't care.
One night my grandmother showed up out of the blue. My mother's mother.
She told me to pack bags for each of us. She sat at the dining room table and told my mother that she was taking us away from her. She told my mother that she was ashamed of her for the choices she made, however, she would no longer allow any of us to be subject to his abuse. She handed my mother papers that were signed by senators giving her full custody, and we got in my grandmother's car and left.
My grandmother did not permit visitation! She told my mother that she could not have her cake and eat it too. We lived with my grandmother, and went to school, and had friends, and enjoyed live, and my mother stayed with the abuser. He eventually died. None of us stopped what we were doing that day to remember him in any way and in fact my sister broke out in song, "Another one bites the dust! " and we all had a good laugh.
So no, you don't have to leave. Stay put if you want. Just remember that your children are not stupid. They need you, and I believe that someone will step in and you will lose custody of your children, and when they get grown like me and my siblings are, they will struggle for an appropriate Mother's Day card, because we can't find any that say, "to the woman who chosen a rotten abuser over us." Or Merry Christmas to the mother who preferred for us to be beaten than loved. It's a hard thing for us, and I am not kidding. On her death bed, my grandmother begged me to forgive my mother, so years later I did forgive her, however, I had no childhood because I was always taking care of the younger ones. My memories are still there. And this is no joke. I am not a therapist, just a lady who once was a child in a very abusive home. We were already sad over the death of our father, and mom chose to replace Dad with a violent, sick, demented abuser that she loved beyond words.

I know how you feel...it's hard to think of living without them even if living with them is hell. I'm having the same problem that you are except that there are orders of protection put in place that prohibit us from seeing eachother and, in a way that makes it even harder. It makes it easier to turn the blame for your hurt on the authorities than on the abuser who is really the one who put you in this position to begin with. You have to keep remembering that they made the choice to do the things they did. It wasn't your choice. I can say that very easily, but it's a lot harder to live it and convince yourself that it's true, especially when there are children involved. I also hope that I can make it so that he gets the help that he needs so we can have the happy family that we always talked about having and had glimpses of having. But the fact is that if he really wanted those things, there would've been more than just glimpses, it would have really happened.

I've sent him e-mails, knowing he'll never get them just to feel like I'm talking to him, I look forward to court dates just to get to see him, I hold on to the hope that he still loves me even though I know that it's not the kind of love that is functional and healthy. I don't want to give up either. I don't know if this is any help to you, but I figured that, even though I can't give you a lot of answers as the others have, sometimes it helps just to know that you're not alone in the way that you feel or what your thinking.

I think that there are some abusers that are completely in control of what they're doing and have no remorse. I think that there are some that don't even realize what they're doing because they lack the ability to differenciate between right and wrong, good and bad, responsibility and the lack thereof. They weren't raised in a nurturing environment that taught them all of those things or gave them the tools to use to deal with life. They want to love and be loved so badly but don't know how. I think your bf is the later, same as mine. I really do believe that he loved me in his own disfunctional way, the only way he knew how. Your story hit a cord with me because it sounded a lot like the first few years of my relationship with my bf. Then it became more physicall and more out of control. The thing that kept me there, ironically was the kids...they love their Daddy. Also the fact that the periods of good times were getting longer and more stable. But then the bad time would hit and so would he, even worse than before. I don't want to see that happen to you.

I know it's hard, believe me, I'm going through it right now and there are days I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone to cry all day. My kids keep me going. I don't have a choice but to keep going for them. We have to look for the strengths that we can find to make it through. It's hard to deal with having your hopes dashed and your family torn. But you can make it. Just be safe and never give up hope in yourself.

Tamitha - amazing thread to read through. So he's back. I hope you stay in counseling and stay safe. And that next time it won't be worse than a broken foot. Meth is insidious and men tend to place a lot of self-worth in their work -- which your bf will have trouble finding in this economy.....

He hasn't asked me to lie. He knows he was wrong and he knows it's his fault. But he is a second striker and I refuse to be his 3rd felony. I don't know if I can ever feel whole without him but I know my kids need me to make the right decision. They love him very much but I know this is a bad situation. I keep thinking maybe he'll get help and come back to me healthy. I don't know how to be this person....Tamitha....sister..you can do better..so young...I have been a domestic violence victim since I was 25.....I was gang raped in the army in germany...after that i guess i felt i wasnt worthy of any good men..i was a very beautiful girl...my 3 oldest children's father was very abusive to me on a regular basis..i have 2nd degree...and third degree burns from him....that happened in 1984...in 1986,he stabed me in the chest and cut me in my face...he opened my whole mouth up..72 stitches.. i told the police i fell down the stairs...i pressed charges 7 months later all he got was 4 months in jail..he came out under 5 yrs probation..after that i went to see him in jail and went back to him...finally in 1988 after my kids got taken from me because i wouldnt chose either him or the kids.I missed my kids terribly so I went to court and left my kids with my mom while i got a job and got my life together...i left him..but when i left him was to another man..he worked and everything ..he was almost 30 yrs older than me...I had a child by this man .. he treated me like I was his child ..not his woman..i never married him either..but lived there for 12 yrs..i lived with my first for 7 yrs......I finally went back to school became a certified nurses asst and got a job... i worked all the time...i found out through my daughters diary that he had been molesting them..since they were 6 and 7 yrs old....I left him after I moved out of Georgia to Florida...(I had been living in NY with my first)..I went back to school before I found out all that and became an LPN..this man if I didnt do everything the way he wanted he would take my keys and tell me no school....I finally got a carpool so that did not happen anymore...before I found out a about my daughters diary I was already planning on leaving him...I did just that ...away from his family and with my nephews support in florida..my nephew wouldve killed him if he touched me there...I did it with the police. I went back up north..by this time my mom lived in nj now...so I went back there with family..started dating my first boyfriend again ...lived with him but he was too much of a casanova so threw him out...i had a few boyfriends in between but none were abusive..but they were flirts and disappointments....i met my husband again in 2005.... i knew him when i was 19 and he 15..i was stationed in his hometown..i didnt have anything with him then....but he turned out to be such a handsome man and sweet as hell...but the sweetie turned into my worst nightmare..i married this man in 2007 and i am still married to him..he hit me in my face with a metal ladder...used my head like it was a baseball.I dropped the charges and went back to him...on march the 18th, 4 days after my birthday over a pack of cigarrettes this man punched me in the face with his fist and a double edge razor and caused 17 stitched...i had him arrested and did not drop charges..this man left a message with a friend .."tell Virginia I love her" I laughed.....I left Nj and moved to parts unknown....I got a legal separation from him ..and a soon as I can afford it..a divorce...Now I am 51 yrs old..with scars on my face and body.....and he is not my BF he is my HUSBAND..and if I can leave why can't you?..he is not going to stop..you will have your honeymoon until the next time......honey if you decide to go back i undertand..i love my husband too..but do me this favor if you see he is too quiet or starts telling you to be quiet ..ignores you..GET OUT.....thats the signal for you to leave ..cause after that comes the abuse...thats all I have to say...ty for listening and the very best of luck to you...pleaseeeeeeeee dont have kids with him.......there are better men out there for you..give yourself some time...dont bring children into a DV relationship...

I guess this is the latest update. I know he started using again yesterday. At least it has put him in a good mood for now. I pretty sure he is going to be checked on by his PO tomorrow. If that happens, I'm sure he'll pick him up. Something better happen before he gets yucky again......I've already decided that if he goes to prison (or when he goes) I will keep writing, but no 2 1/2 hour rides each way every weekend. I'm looking for a second job right now anyways. So I won't have time. Wow. What I night mare. I think I am kinda glad he did what he did last night cause it makes it easier for me. If that is possible.

This just really really sucks!!! I f**king love this man and believed he felt the same. We had are wedding planned and everything. What a discusting nightmare your heart can open you up to. I hope I can stay bitter so I don't ever get hurt again. I hate so many people right now. I wish there was some way to escape.He does love you...in his own way ...just not the way you want to be loved....keep writing eventually youll come to your own decision.:)