I wasn't really sure where to post this, but I really need some advice right now.

I've been dealing with an ongoing problem with my ex boyfriend who was released from prison in July 07 after serving a 14 year prison sentence for murder. We broke up about 3 weeks after his release. The break up was very hard for me to take, as we had been together for 2 years up until the time he was released. I was the one who initiated it, as my once stable boyfriend who called everyday, and wanted to see me all the time, turned into ambivalent type who didn't care whether he saw me or not. He became very rude, and hurtful, and started using violence towards me. He basically turned into a different person. A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant, which only further infuriated him, and he tried to cause me to miscarry on 3 different occassions by punching me in the stomach. On 2 occasions I waited for him come home, and found him to have that 'drugged' look in his eyes. After those occasions where I waited for him to come home, he took out a restraining order on me, saying that I was stalking him. I am completely conviced that the reason why he did this was so he could further his power and control over the situation, and me, and still have the ability to do what he wants, when he wants. (which includes drinking, and drugs) He is on 2 years probation, which confuses me as to how he can even pass drug tests while being on Probation, especially random UAs? I had been so used to him being the stable boyfriend, and I was so confused, I still honestly have no idea what happened to make him change. I have never taken drugs, or been around it to know the signs, but from what I have told my closest friends, they have suggested that he is most likely on drugs.

He ignores my phone calls, my text messages, and remains ambivalent about our relationship. He is VERY mean, and cruel, and has even admitted to purposely causing me pain, and hardship because I "deserve it". One day- he tells me he hates me, and will never see me ever again, and after I don't call him for 3 or 4 days, he calls me to check up on me, and wants to see me. He comes around about every 2 weeks or so, and has actually gone as far as stalking me down on a couple of occassions when i've refused to see him. He called me at 2am on Saturday morning asking me where I was. I said that I was at home, sleeping. Without even thinking about it. After I told him that, he asked me.. "Why did you have to tell me that you were at home?" I was confused as to what that meant... but found out about 5 minutes later when he showed up at my house. When he showed up, He was drunk, on pain pills, and god only knows what else. I told him that he needed to leave, and he refused. He demanded that i write him a check, and I told him I didnt have any money, and he was asking me how I could access some, which I'm assuming was for drugs. This was the second time in the last month that he has asked me for money. 100.00 each time. Am I correct on my assumption?

I guess this is my position. He has a restraining order against me. He has been extremely violent. I feel that he is using the restraining order against me, and he is using it to intimidate me, and purposely harm me. He knows that as long as that is in place, he can do whatever he wants to do to hurt me, and that I won't say anything. Let me just explain that I spent 2 years of my life devoted to this guy, I did everything for him, I loved him very much, and I am now over 5 months pregnant with his child. I would very much like him to get the help that he needs.. He obviously has serious psychological issues that need to be addressed before he goes and murders again. I feel that going back to prison for him is inevitable, and I do NOT want to be his victim!!! I know the statistics, and especially now that I know that he is using alcohol... I am scared that if I ignore him, he will kill me. The whole reason he even went to prison in the first place was due to a heavy night of drinking, and him ending up murdering someone. He has told me before that he knows of the perfect place to bury my body, where nobody would ever find me.

I know this is getting really long, but I guess i'm wondering what I should do. Obviously, I know that I need to get him out of my life. I have told him on several occasions to leave me alone, and move on with his life. When I tell him that, he only comes on stronger. It's only when I begged him, and pleaded with him to give our relationship a 2nd chance, that he wanted nothing to do with me. When I ignore him, he becomes agitated, and angry, and ends up tracking me down to see me.

Just to clarify, I DO NOT want to be with this person, and I DO realize that he is not the person that I fell in love with. I have had almost 6 months of coming to terms with our relationship ending.

I am looking for advice on how to handle him, what is going through his head, and how on earth should I handle his alcohol and drug problem? Should I tell someone? I've thought about sending a letter to his probation officer, would that help? I do not want to do anything that will send me to jail, or get me seriously hurt, but I Do not want to sit by on the side lines and watch him self destruct.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

Holy crap. Your story has made me speechless (a difficult thing to do, I must say!)

You need to run like hell from this man. He already did 14 years for MURDER and he's, in a sense, tried to murder your fetus, as you've said. He's made comments to you that he would murder you in the future as well since he has a "perfect place to hide the body." Yes, he's using the protection order against you but please, please stop texting him, calling him, and trying to contact him in any way. Do *YOU* want to end up in prison for this jerk? No! You deserve better and now you have a child to worry about. If he self destructs that's his own problem, not yours. You've supported him for a long time now and he doesn't respect you. Please keep yourself safe and stay as far away from him as possible.

Also, please check out the "Domestic Violence" forum. There are many supportive women there who can help you out. They've been down this very scary road and they can offer great insight and support.

i agree with megan.....RUN!....he has a controll issue and cares not if he goes back to prison...why cant you also get a restraining order on him and YES for sure...get in contact with his probation officer like NOW!....there arte way too many women inside who were abused mewntally and physically and then could not take it any longer and do something that oputs them on the inside themselves...at the very least...get some paperwork on this ....restrainign order is best...so that IF something does happen, you have a a paper trail...my best wishes to you

Are you still pregnant?
If he has a restraining order against you, I would call the cops and let them know he was at my door.
As far as his substance abuse problems, let him deal with it. In time he will either get help on his own or the help will come to it.
Sometimes the one u love doesn't necessary love you back.

I am looking for advice on how to handle him, what is going through his head, and how on earth should I handle his alcohol and drug problem? Should I tell someone? I Do not want to sit by on the side lines and watch him self destruct.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

OMG, girl! There's no way you can stay and try to handle him nor figure out what is going thru his head!!! Get out of there yesterday! Your and your child's lives are at risk. YES, INDEED! TELL SOMEONE, please.

Do *NOT* tell his PO until you are in a very, VERY safe situation. The assaults on you and your baby should be reported to police first. Don't contact his PO immediately though...

Here in our city we have a wonderful home for women of abuse (and their children if they have them) to go to so they can get out of a situation like yours. Our police department even set up a sub station next door in the event they were needed. If you feel mobile enough to go somewhere like that check in your area to see if there is one. Check and see if your city has a domestic abuse hot line.

I agree with what you have been told by others. Do not text message this man, do not call him or try to contact him in any way. He can violate you for ignoring the restraining order that he has against you. When you are at home, keep a phone with in reach and call the police immediately if he shows up.

Stay safe.

Run like the wind and do not look back.
You don't want to watch him self destruct? Well, then don't look, because there's nothing you can do to prevent it.
Request of the court that issued it that the restraining order be amended to a mutual no contact order.
If he contacts you by phone, e-mail, text, report to the DA that he's making contact and provide proof.... keep ANY messages you recieve, even if that means buying a recording device and "bugging" your own phone.
No, such tapes would probably not be admissable in court (unless you announce immediately that the call is being recorded), but they would provide ample cause to convince the DA that you're not the one initiating contact.
If he makes contact in person, call 911.

It depends on the state...but at least where I am, only one party has to be aware that the call is being recorded. I can record anyone I'm talking to on the phone...but I can't listen in and record someone else's calls if I'm not a party to that call.

You're right, Meganlea- I'm so accustomed to the California statutes that I forget the rules vary- thanks for pointing it out.

I don't know how it is everywhere else, but seems to me like I heard that in Texas if you have a restraining order placed on someone, you too are bound by the same terms. Meaning that sense he showed up at your door, you could call the cops, and they would arrest him for walking through his own restraining order. I may be wrong.

You are involved in a CO-DEPENDENT relationship and need to address this issue immediately, so that when you finally are able to break free of this man, you won't go back.

It is not logical or healthy that you text-message, telephone, or attempt to contact a person who has 1)threatened to kill you, 2) tried to cause a miscarriage of your unborn child, or 3) has stalked and harrassed you. THIS "ongoing situation" (I don't mean his behavior) is NOT entirely his fault, because you are putting your self in harm's way by encouraging continued contact, "waiting for him to come home," and trying to solve HIS problems.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you DESERVE his abusive behavior, because NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED...but you have to step up to the plate and assume responsibility for your own actions and behavior. You owe it to your self to end this relationship. And "ending it" means NO CONTACT. Period.

I am not being unsympathetic, but many women assist their abusers by remaining a victim. What you've desribed is almost a textbook case of co-dependency. You don't deserve to be treated like this, but you also need to STOP iniating or encouraging ANY contact with him.

A "Victim mentality" is extremely difficult to change, because it fulfills some emotional needs that are unhealthy. Instead of focusing on his behavior, you need to focus on your own. Your safety needs to be the first priority in your life, and concerning yourself with his drug abuse, probation, and restraining order only interfere with focusing on your own behavior, needs, strengths and weaknesses.

My suggestion to you is to find a domestic-violence counselor immediately so that you can begin the recovery process. REcovery from abuse is a life-long process, and means re-learning healthy ways to handle your own needs, as well as learning to establish healthy boundaries.

You need to put the life of your unborn child and your own safety FIRST. His behavior, his drug problems, his probation, his LIFE are no longer your concern. You need to break this emotional attachment to him immediately in order to END this relationship.

You also need to develop a safety plan, so that you can save your life. Instead of calling or notifying his PO, try calling the domestic-violence hotline in your community. Make an appointment to see a couselor, or to go to "group" meetings with other survivors and victims of abuse. You need to learn healthy boundaries...maybe you should start with your own restraining order against him, so that in the event that he does try to contact you, you'll have immediate support from the law-enforcement community, as well as a paper trail for legal purposes.

Everyone here is right: you need to RUN away from this relationship as fast as you possibly can--your life depends upon it! PLEASE listen to us--we care about you, and your unborn child. You can't do this alone, and there are many sources of support available to you if you choose to use them. You need to take care of YOU, and no one can do this for you. Be strong, and don't give in, don't give up. Take care of your self.

In Strength, Hope and Survival, Northstar

I wish you the best of luck, but please run, go to the police, his probation officer, or if you can move far away. I know a lot is easier said than done, but please do something before you become his next victim.

I wish you and your unborn baby the best of luck. Seek the help of the police and tell his P.O. that you think he may be using drugs or whatever it is.
DO NOT LET HIM INTO YOUR HOME, IF HE SHOWS UP CALL THE POLICE RIGHT THEN, YOU ARE PLAYING A NO WIN GAME WITH THIS GUY.
Please keep us posted. I will keep you and your unborn baby in my prayers.
Wanda

In order for your pleas of help and protection you must cease any contact with him on YOUR end! Document every time he tries to contact you and keep your proof. they have ways of getting copies of your phone bill to see who is calling who and it wont help your case at all to see that you have called him. let it all pile up on him.

Myself, I believe you already know what the answer is. I think you have the chance -- a sign from him telling you that he will kill you -- so run. Life is a gift, whether it is your life or your childs life so keep it. Let him deal with his own demons. If you get right down to it, 2 years is just a small amount of time if your compare it to the rest of your life. ;) sokie

I would assume that you have a copy of the restraining order, or can get one. And I would assume also that the restraining order is void if HE creates the contact. Check on it.
You can also take out an order (there have been mutual ones before now, I assure you) and it will require no contact by phone, mail, computer, person to person and third-party. Then you can really get on his butt about any contact, which can be recorded and reported.
Besides that, you should absolutely get to a domestic abuse agency and get both counseling and information. They will have a lot of good stuff to tell you and services to offer you.

Whatever else you do, listen to the ladies above - stay away! What ails him is something you cannot fix, and almost no professional can fix either. Not something you created, and not something you can heal. It is really important here to live as if your life depended on it! It does. And that means do everything you can to avoid him, by letter, by mention, by thought!
Best wishes to you - this is a terribly hard time in your life, but it will be a great teacher for you, too.

Thank you all so much for your responses.. I really appreciate it.

When all of this first started happening, I became involved in YWCA support groups, and counseling. It really helped, but I stopped going for some reason. It has gotten so much easier to deal with over time. I used to miss him, and long for him, but now I long for him to leave me alone! LOL.. :) I never thought the day would ever come when I wanted him to leave me alone, and let me move on, but it did.

I'm glad to know that I was at least doing some of the things that were mentioned. I do believe that I should probably get involved again, as it really helps to have a supportive group of friends who are there for you when you need them.

I guess I spent so much time trying to understand the why's, and how's, and how could he do this to me... that I didn't really come to terms with the fact that they why's, and how's are not what matters.

Anyway, thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate it :)

How are things, MartysGirl? Haven't seen you in here and wondered how you're doing.