Missing Someone
12-04-2007, 10:02 PM
I am not on PTO because of my story I am here because my loved one is incarcerated. But I thought I would share my experience with domestic violence. I was in a relationship for 4 years. About two years into it, the relationship started fading - but I have never been one to just give up and did what I could to try to rekindle what we once had. It didn't work and into the 4th year I sat down with him at the kitchen table and told him that the relationship was over.
That was the FIRST look at the kindling of violence. He called me a whore, asked me who I was sleeping with - demanded I tell him and when I said no one, he flipped our oak kitchen table upside down. I took my daughter and went to my sister's house and stayed there for a month.
What I didn't know was that he had put a keystroke program on my computer - read all my messages I had written to my best friend about how unhappy I was, how I was trying to go back to where we were and how I was going to end things with him.
The housing market where I live is unbelievable. Rent is so expensive, places, good places hard to find. When he finally calmed down we talked. I told him that I didn't want to hurt him, it's just that if he really thought about it, the relationship had been over for a long time. He consented and said that it was.
We had a really big house. It used to be a fourplex that someone had bought and converted into a duplex. The upstairs and downstairs were identical - there were even outlets for a fridge and stove. We had always managed to be reasonable with each other, even when we had an argument so when he suggested that I take the upstairs (3 bedrooms, living room, kitchen, 2 bathrooms, balcony) and he take the downstairs (bedroom, living room, bathroom and laundry room), it made sense. Neither one of us could afford the rent alone. There was a door downstairs that separated both places, we installed a lock - on my side so I could lock it and we split rent.
I was married before and have an awesome relationship with my exhusband. I have never been in a violent relationship and thought nothing of the arrangement. The last night I was there, he was downstairs, I was up. My two older children were visiting with their dad and my youngest was in bed sleeping. He sent me an IM asking if I had plans that night and told me he got something. Asked if I would come downstairs and get it.
IT turned out to be a bottle of wine. He never drank a drop of alcohol and I was shocked to see that he was falling down drunk. He said he got the wine for me as an apology. He tired to find the bottle but couldn't and that was it. He got angrier and angrier, throwing things around trying to find this bottle of wine and I told him that I was going to go upstairs and that I would talk to him tomorrow. Scared out of my mind, but trying to remain calm and not show that. I walked down the hall, shut the door and locked it. My plan was to get my daughter out of bed, go down the balcony stairs and leave.
I made it up two stairs when he kicked the door down. He grabbed the back of my hair and pulled me back down to the ground floor. I was laying on the floor and he kicked and punched me calling me a bitch. It was like a totally different person, even his voice was different. He grabbed my head at the back and started smashing it into the tile floor. I saw stars and almost a grey start seeping into my eyes and kept thinking "God don't pass out, your child is upstairs sleeping" I kept begging him to stop it but he kept smashing my head against the wall. I couldn't see anymore, my head was bleeding and all of a sudden I hear this tiny voice - stop it. My daughter, blessedly not able to see any of this because of where he was doing it.
I think she saved my life. It's the last thing I remember before giving into the black and passing out. I don't know how long I was out. I just remember opening my eyes and seeing the front door. I don't remember going to the neighbours house and pounding on the door, or calling 911. I do remember realizing that my daughter was still there and begging my HUGE neighbour to go and get her. He walked outside and found that my ex was walking her outside, he put her down and said there's your mommy, go to your mom.
My sister for some reason pulled up - she said later she had this horrible feeling because he had stopped by her house and was acting strange. He said some things to her and then the police came. He was back in the house by then and they went in and brought him out in handcuffs and put him in the back of the car. The ambulance had been dispatched by then and because I had passed out and could not remember the day of the week, they took me to the hospital. My sister took my daughter home with her.
The police came to get my statement later that night. I didn't recall very much of what happened after. I don't remember getting out of the house, one minute I was looking at the door, the next I was at my neighbours house. They told me that he had claimed self defense but told me he had no marks on him at all except marks that indicated he hit.
I ended up with 2 black eyes, he split my right eyelid open, from the head smashing I suffered a concussion and had 7 huge goose eggs, my cheek was bruised, I lost the tips of both my front teeth, 3 cracked ribs, bruises, scratches and abrasions all over my body and the kicker...his shoeprint on my forehead. When the police officer sketched that...I remembered a part of what happened at the end. That was what I had seen before passing out...his foot stomping on my head.
I had to go to the forensics photographer the next day after I was released. I was humiliated beyond belief to be out in public looking all swollen and bruised like that. The photographer was an amazing man, I will never forget what he said to me while he took all those photographs.
He was charged with assault with bodily harm and will be sentenced in January.
It has taken a long time to heal from this. I went to a battered (I hate that word) woman's group and felt guilty about it. This had happened to me once and some of these women's stories were horrific. They had been beaten all their lives. I was taking up someone's spot, someone who deserved it until a wonderful woman sitting next to me - whose husband had beaten her for 18 years when she found her courage to leave said "one time or 100 honey - it doesn't matter, beaten is beaten - you deserve that spot as much as any of us."
I still jump sometimes. Slamming doors cause my heart to race. If I see a similar van to his I feel afraid. I no longer suffer from having to check my locks every hour but I still sleep with a light on.
I found out last week that he plead guilty and will be sentenced and I feel finally like a huge chapter of my life has ended. It has been a long time with delays and set backs but it is over. I still have a no contact order in place and have asked that to be extended for at least 2 years after sentencing. I haven't seen him since that night but I want to remain safe.
Thank you for letting me share. I haven't really felt safe to do that before.
That was the FIRST look at the kindling of violence. He called me a whore, asked me who I was sleeping with - demanded I tell him and when I said no one, he flipped our oak kitchen table upside down. I took my daughter and went to my sister's house and stayed there for a month.
What I didn't know was that he had put a keystroke program on my computer - read all my messages I had written to my best friend about how unhappy I was, how I was trying to go back to where we were and how I was going to end things with him.
The housing market where I live is unbelievable. Rent is so expensive, places, good places hard to find. When he finally calmed down we talked. I told him that I didn't want to hurt him, it's just that if he really thought about it, the relationship had been over for a long time. He consented and said that it was.
We had a really big house. It used to be a fourplex that someone had bought and converted into a duplex. The upstairs and downstairs were identical - there were even outlets for a fridge and stove. We had always managed to be reasonable with each other, even when we had an argument so when he suggested that I take the upstairs (3 bedrooms, living room, kitchen, 2 bathrooms, balcony) and he take the downstairs (bedroom, living room, bathroom and laundry room), it made sense. Neither one of us could afford the rent alone. There was a door downstairs that separated both places, we installed a lock - on my side so I could lock it and we split rent.
I was married before and have an awesome relationship with my exhusband. I have never been in a violent relationship and thought nothing of the arrangement. The last night I was there, he was downstairs, I was up. My two older children were visiting with their dad and my youngest was in bed sleeping. He sent me an IM asking if I had plans that night and told me he got something. Asked if I would come downstairs and get it.
IT turned out to be a bottle of wine. He never drank a drop of alcohol and I was shocked to see that he was falling down drunk. He said he got the wine for me as an apology. He tired to find the bottle but couldn't and that was it. He got angrier and angrier, throwing things around trying to find this bottle of wine and I told him that I was going to go upstairs and that I would talk to him tomorrow. Scared out of my mind, but trying to remain calm and not show that. I walked down the hall, shut the door and locked it. My plan was to get my daughter out of bed, go down the balcony stairs and leave.
I made it up two stairs when he kicked the door down. He grabbed the back of my hair and pulled me back down to the ground floor. I was laying on the floor and he kicked and punched me calling me a bitch. It was like a totally different person, even his voice was different. He grabbed my head at the back and started smashing it into the tile floor. I saw stars and almost a grey start seeping into my eyes and kept thinking "God don't pass out, your child is upstairs sleeping" I kept begging him to stop it but he kept smashing my head against the wall. I couldn't see anymore, my head was bleeding and all of a sudden I hear this tiny voice - stop it. My daughter, blessedly not able to see any of this because of where he was doing it.
I think she saved my life. It's the last thing I remember before giving into the black and passing out. I don't know how long I was out. I just remember opening my eyes and seeing the front door. I don't remember going to the neighbours house and pounding on the door, or calling 911. I do remember realizing that my daughter was still there and begging my HUGE neighbour to go and get her. He walked outside and found that my ex was walking her outside, he put her down and said there's your mommy, go to your mom.
My sister for some reason pulled up - she said later she had this horrible feeling because he had stopped by her house and was acting strange. He said some things to her and then the police came. He was back in the house by then and they went in and brought him out in handcuffs and put him in the back of the car. The ambulance had been dispatched by then and because I had passed out and could not remember the day of the week, they took me to the hospital. My sister took my daughter home with her.
The police came to get my statement later that night. I didn't recall very much of what happened after. I don't remember getting out of the house, one minute I was looking at the door, the next I was at my neighbours house. They told me that he had claimed self defense but told me he had no marks on him at all except marks that indicated he hit.
I ended up with 2 black eyes, he split my right eyelid open, from the head smashing I suffered a concussion and had 7 huge goose eggs, my cheek was bruised, I lost the tips of both my front teeth, 3 cracked ribs, bruises, scratches and abrasions all over my body and the kicker...his shoeprint on my forehead. When the police officer sketched that...I remembered a part of what happened at the end. That was what I had seen before passing out...his foot stomping on my head.
I had to go to the forensics photographer the next day after I was released. I was humiliated beyond belief to be out in public looking all swollen and bruised like that. The photographer was an amazing man, I will never forget what he said to me while he took all those photographs.
He was charged with assault with bodily harm and will be sentenced in January.
It has taken a long time to heal from this. I went to a battered (I hate that word) woman's group and felt guilty about it. This had happened to me once and some of these women's stories were horrific. They had been beaten all their lives. I was taking up someone's spot, someone who deserved it until a wonderful woman sitting next to me - whose husband had beaten her for 18 years when she found her courage to leave said "one time or 100 honey - it doesn't matter, beaten is beaten - you deserve that spot as much as any of us."
I still jump sometimes. Slamming doors cause my heart to race. If I see a similar van to his I feel afraid. I no longer suffer from having to check my locks every hour but I still sleep with a light on.
I found out last week that he plead guilty and will be sentenced and I feel finally like a huge chapter of my life has ended. It has been a long time with delays and set backs but it is over. I still have a no contact order in place and have asked that to be extended for at least 2 years after sentencing. I haven't seen him since that night but I want to remain safe.
Thank you for letting me share. I haven't really felt safe to do that before.