http://coping.org/parenting/11f.htm

thank you Jancy. I need all the help I can get!

reggie,
I have read about that site a long time. there is lots of good tough love there to help you pull back and bit and let the one who causes the trouble feel it so they can grow from it.

sometimes I think we love too much..lol

this part of that site is good too.
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

I also like reading
Boundaries by townsend and cloud
Codependent No More by melody beattie

free at any library

this part of that site is good too.
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

I also like reading
Boundaries by townsend and cloud
Codependent No More by melody beattie

free at any librarythis one looks likes it's going to be alot harder for me. :(

Thank you Jancy for sharing this information with us. I can use all the help I can get...:D

reggie, I love my son much that I am willing to change the way I interact with him in order to save his life if I can. the way I felt about him and interacted with him in the past did not help him and hurt me most of the time. I had to learn more toughlove techniques so I wasnt in bed all the time with the covers up over my head fearing life.
I want him to succeed. one day I will not be here and he needs to learn to be independent of me. I still write him letters, send funny stuff and do what I can. BUT his life is his. I cannot control his actions. the insanity of me trying to change his actions and choices nearly did me in.

I can still do two things for him even while he is in prison:
I can love him
I can pray for him
the rest is out of my hands and squarely in his.

oh Jancy, you really have a way of touching me to my soul. I am going to print that last post and put it on my refrigerator and one in my Bible. I know you are right. I did try tough love and it killed me to watch him end up on the streets for over a year. in and and out of county and hospitals. than this charge. I feel so guilty now though. I know you are right, but I am so torn sometimes. maybe if I hadn't left him out there to fend for himself. I don't know. I'm confused. your words did touch me so though. thank you. God Bless you Jancy.

reggie, I threw my son out time and again from age 16. at 16 I forced the juvenile justice system to send him to a 2 yr reform school to save him from self destructing on drugs and booze.

he is now 24 and I know he loves me but he also must know he forced my hand. what choice was there?? let him live here and rule the roost? watch him stumble in with women? watch him drink himself to death? I had a friend whose son overdosed and died downstairs while she was keeping him in her home to "make him comfy". I made up my mind if Tony was going to self destruct it would not be under my roof.

I did help him get an apartment and furnished it from the goodwill store. it was a nice place, I brought him groceries now and then and helped him get a job with my BF's firm, arranged rides to and from work for him as he lost his license from his DUIs.

I told him I would help him only when he was helping himself. I give a hand up only when he reached back.

towards the end of his freedom he was back in the gutters. not my fault, but his.

no guilt now! you know dang well if he had asked you what you thought he should be doing, you would tell him the right thing. they make choices we do not even know they are making. they dont want our input. they want their own way, they KNOW the consequences, but as Tony says he doesnt think about it when he picks up the first drink.

he was on probation sitting in bars getting drunk to blackouts.
that is not my fault. I offered him rides to AA, church, and good places. he had other choices.

so did your son.

so now, mom, get a tough shell and fight for your son to know you will not tolerate or be a part of self destruction. HOWEVER you will be with him in love to your dying day. enabling never helped any of them. it delayed them growing up.

that is true, Jancy. John has had so many opportunities, so many chances by alot of people. he'd even go into treatment on his own, than walk out sooner or later. after awhile, it was always sooner. eventually he burned so many bridges, no would would have any thing to do with him. just me and my mother. we won't ever give up. but the enabling part, I am starting to get that. a little.

there is no one left for Tony but me and my mother and his 3 yr old son.
tony caused it.
he was warned time and again. I refuse to feel like it was my fault. my other son is a cop. same house, food, parents, opportunities.
Tony is wired differently and is the squeeky wheel.

he hasnt learned from the past or how I was.
so we have to change. if I change perhaps he will change??? lol

hello, all of this is my life to, I have two sons, both in trouble, the oldest in prison the youngest is out but on a self destuction, I cant watch them ,drugging and drinking, I have tryed to help both of them, I got them jobs, but they chose the drugs, I kicked my oldest out for using , two times, he is now in prison, and once a week he calls, and I end up feeling so sad , I cry for days after, even tho, I know he had to be stopped before he killed him self on drugs, and I believe god allowed this, because I prayed for god to stop him to shake him, to put him so low all he could do is to call on him. ........ But it still hurts to know it had to come to this.. But I tryed to talk till I was blue in the face, my baby boy 17... lives with the grandparents..... he got out of jail a month ago, and now faces court again in two weeks , I just dont know and only god understands....

fcorona, I would first like to welcome you to a great support group of parents. We all feel your pain. When I read threads from parents who have more than one child in the system it breaks my heart and it scares me because I have 2 other pre-teens I'm raising that I don't want their future to be the same as their brother's. I too knew that it was going to take my son to see the light. He was going to have to hit rock bottom, just didn't know that it would be prison. We can only teach our children right from wrong and they have to learn from their life experiences and it is soooo hard to watch them get hurt. Know that you are not to blame for their situations. My son was not into drugs to the point it put him where he is but there are many of parents who will be able to give you some guidance and peace of mind. Stay strong in your faith and strength in God.

fcorona, it takes a very strong person to throw their son out...I know as I had to do it a few times before I got the message that I was not helping him by letting do as he pleased under my roof.
so now he is in prison begging me to let him live here again so he can get paroled.
no.
simply
NO.
time for a wake up call.

interesting..........the same advice... from almost a year ago

Wow... these old threads are great! Thanks for bringing them to surface again...I really need these!

LOL I have to laugh as I look at this. My son went into prison in October 2007. I said then he would never be allowed to parole to my home. His lifestyle made me sick to my stomach and it was one I could not watch.

here we are a year later. His son now lives with me, a dream come true..I would have never thought possible!

I also have told my son he could parole to my home for a short time to get on his feet. I would have never thought then I would say that. but things changed...my BF moved in here in May...I never knew that would happen.

the moral of the story is ....

things can always change. this too shall pass...things you never dreamed were just around the corner...are there.

could we all not have hope if we could see ourselves walking down the street praying for something...in faith...not knowing as we turned the next bend, there was waiting the answer we longed for.

I believe in God taking care of things. we cannot even dream up the changes and outcome. we can only trust that he sees around the corner and can orchestrate our lives to the best possible outcome.

interesting..........the same advice... from almost a year ago
Yea Deb, if you go to the very beginning of the threads...back to like 2003....it's like reading all our own posts and thoughts.