I was supposed to spend the day with family. But I decided that I wanted to stay home. I spend most of the day thinking about Keith and all of the plans we had made last year for today. We were supposed to go to Texas. I cried, yelled and screamed at him for leaving me. He told me that if I did his bid with him, he would be with me until the end. And he was, but I was thinking it would be the end of my life, not his. I never believed he would die before me. He was 6 years younger than I, and so full of life.

I'm OK now, I feel better after that episode.

I guess what set me off today was I found a picture of a friend of mine who died in Hurricane Katrina. She was in her house with her kids, sister and boyfriend. When the flood waters had filled the house, her boyfriend climbed a tree outside the window and she handed him her three children, and after she handed the last child to him, the waters washed her away. It took over a week to find her body. I guess I was thinking about her. I don't know why the people that I lost during Katrina was bothering me so today. There was elderly lady that I use to always go and visit. She got sick and her daughter put her in a nursing home in New Orleans, well she died in the home during Katrina. I guess today was a day to look at all of what has happened.

I do realize I have so much to be thankful for, I am alive.

I was wondering how do people deal with grief? After I have a really bad day of crying, I think well now I have it out of my system, and that is what it took for me to get over what happened. I think that it will be easier, but is not happening that way. Yes I am doing a lot of things with and in my life, but I can not get my mind off Keith. I know that I will be alright, but how do I get to the alright stage and stay there?

Sweetie I Dont Know What To Say That Would Make Things Better For You. I Just Wanted To Say That Im Sorry That You Are Having Such A Rough Time And That You Are In My Prayers And Thoughts. The Only Thing That I Can Say Is That Heaven Is A Beautiful Place For Everyone To Be. And I Cant Wait To Be There. I Lost My Grandfather A Few Months Ago. I Really Had A Hard Time. And One Night I Dreamed About Him In Heaven And Realized That There Was No Reason To Cry. Sure Im Still Grieving But He Is In A Wonderful Place Iwth No Pain, No Sorrow, No Hurt, Etc.... Again Im Sorry That You Are Having A Rough Day. Things Will Get Alittle Easier As Time Passes. Hang In There And Know That We Care.

Menia,
First of all sending you lots of positive thoughts on this difficult day.
Grief is not something that can be measured or classified, it lasts as long as it lasts. Every person has their own personal grief pattern and no-one else is the same as you.
I don't know that the pain ever goes away, it just becomes a little duller. That feeling of loss is always going to be there, just at some point in the future you will realise that you are remembering him and smiling without that awful raw pain.
Time is, not so much a healer, as a distance maker - it puts some space between that insane period of immediate loss and the place you find yourself at now.
You will never stop missing him or loving him, but you will learn to live with how that hurts you.
As for acceptance and resolution, well these things may happen, but if they don't it doesn't matter. Your grieving process is unique to you and eventually you will find a place that is acceptable and feels right.

Celebrate your man, your hopes and dreams and allow your self to live them in your mind. Hear his voice when you are missing him, sense him near you when you want to feel his touch. Because in that way you keep him alive in your life.

You have not lost him, you are just seperated from him for a brief moment. Each beat of your heart brings you closer to the time that you can have your reunion.

You are right, life is a wonderful gift, as is each dawn and each sunset. Live, love and laugh in the present moment because it is all we really have to call our own.

Best wishes,
Rachel x

Menia, I don't think I can say anything better than ladyarkes did. She put it so well. I just wanted to send you :grouphug: on what has to be a very hard day.

I don't know what to say. but, this bought tears to my eyes. I wish you all the best. and my prayers are with you and your family.

Hi my sweet Menia! Menia people get thru it just exactly how you are doing it right now...by talking about it, by allowing the thoughts you have of people who have passed on come to your mind, feel the feelings, then let them go. They will come at you again and again. You will always have a longing for keith but it will become bearable, believe it or not.
Losing our loved ones is the hardest thing we experience in our lives, i dont know how any of us really get thru it, but i suspect God, however you imagine God to be,Jesus, Allah,Mohammed,Buddah, thats who carries us thru it. I just know there is Something Bigger than me watchin over me and all of us. Hang in there darling, hang in there, you ARE gonna make it, trust me.

(((hugs)))

Huggs to you. I will be praying for you for his comfort and peace to just surround you. God bless.

Menia,

I am sorry about the way you are feeling, I know where you are at. This is my second Holiday Season without my Son and some days are almost unbearable and some are better. The hardest part is having no one who understands. They say you know when things are getting better when the good days out number the bad. I think it is like the ocean it comes in waves. Somedays hit you like a hurricane and somedays are like the lapping of the ocean in the gulf. Somedays there is a big hole in my heart and then sometimes it gets smaller.

I think we have alot in common from reading your threads. I have another Son in MS. I went to see him and for the first time I saw all the destruction and I know alot of it has been cleaned up. It gave me hope though that even though they lost everything (my Son included) they are picking up the pieces and starting over. It is very beautiful down there. I had a really good time with him and he showed us everything. I am sorry you lost someone. I almost lost my oldest Son too. He was seriously thinking about staying and I pleaded with him to just go north. He did and when he came back his apartment was gone. They only had what they could fit in their car. He lost some friends too. He came back home for 3 mos. but missed the coast and his friends so much he went back.

The way I deal with things is to stay busy with something like driving nine hours to see my Son. Sometimes I can't do that so I just have to deal with my emotions and I think we will have those the rest of our lives, except they will just diminish some and we will start to remember the good times instead of this horrible blanket that is over us now. Someone put it to me that at first it is like putting your hands over your eyes and you can only see right in front of you and your pain is great, but gradually you take your hands away and see more of the world again. I'm sorry for rambling but I am having one of those sleepless nights again and saw your post and had to respond.

A wise old woman once told me (she is also in heaven now) that we have to remember that they are in a place where all their needs that couldn't be met on earth are met and that he is happy and is with God and now see's the whole picture as God does. I try to remember that he is no longer in that hell hole they had him in and God took his hand and led him out of there. I know as your Keith did, he looked back on all he would be leaving behind and was sad, but they had no choice and for them it seems like just a minute before we join them, it is us that are left behind to suffer and long for them.

We are the only ones who truly understand what it is like and need to help one another thru the bad times. I hope today finds you felling just a little bit better.

Tigger Mom

Tigger Mom, thank you for your coments. Most times I do feel as though no one understands what I am going through. It is so hard. I just can't figure out how to do what everybody tells me, and that is to go on with my life. Keith was my life. Everything I did was in preparation for for his homecoming and our future together. Before Keith and I got together I had been through so much in life and once he came into my life it reaffirmed faith in life and love. He gave me so much love that I had enough to share with other people who just needed someone. I felt my cup was running over, now I feel as though the cup has a hole in the bottom and it can no longer hold love or any other emotion. The harder I try the more hurt I feel. There are things that I do to ease the pain, such as going out with friends and doing things with the church, but when the end of the day comes, my mind immediately goes back to Keith. I got so use to writting him a letter at the end of the day. I slept with my laptop because if I woke up I could write him a letter. I lived my life Sunday - Thursday, and on Friday's I prepared to see Keith.

Keith was such a good person, and I love him so much. I think what truly haunts me is that he died in the truck that I brought him. I feel as though I brought him his death trap, and that is hard so hard for me to get past that. I realize that he needed transportation to go to work, and I do realize that he loved it so much. He told me that was the newest vehicle he had ever owned. He thanked me a million times for it, but that is always on my mind.

Hurricane Katrina destroyed so many lives. Did I tell you all about the little girl in church. Her mother died in the storm, and her grandmother is raising her. Well her grandmother decided to let the little girl join her church, and the Pastor told her that she would be baptized, and the little girl was afraid of the water because the waters of Hurricane Katrina had taken her mother. The scars of Katrina are plentyful around here.

I am really trying to deal with Keith's death. On December 23, I will make my second trip with the Prison Ministery. I will be going to Leaksville to the men's correctional facility. I use to always send Keith's friends cards and books, and puzzle books for Christmas presents. I have started getting things together for that. This year I am doing to send a bookmarker in rememberence of Keith with each package I send. Hopefully the printer will have them ready this week.

Thank you for the opportunity to express my feelings. It is so hard and sometimes you feel as though no one really care about how you are feeling. I hate that someone else is having to deal with the same thing that I am dealing with, but it does help to have someone that realy understands the pain you feel.

Menia,

Try not to feel guilty about the truck, it was his time, it wouldn't have mattered what vehicle he was in. In fact he was probably more protected in that truck than anything else. From what you said he loved that truck and was proud of it. I know about men and their trucks. My husband, My oldest son, and Jason all had trucks. Its part of their manhood. That truck was probably everything to him (all the more just because you gave it to him) and for it to be the newest one he had ever had probably brought more joy to him than you will ever know. My husband has always had the older vehicle (truck) because he has a work vehicle, and I don't so I have to have a reliable car to get back and forth to work with. I can't wait for the day that I can manage to buy him a new truck, I know he will be the happiest man on earth. I know my Son Jason was when he had his truck. He was so proud.

So be proud of yourself for being able to give him that truck, and give him some real joy during his last days.

Tigger Mom

Dear Menia,

I remember when Tigger Mom's son died, please listen to her and do what she is doing. She is responding to your pain, sharing what has happened to her and is proof that you can move from this stage. Maybe reaching out to those hurting in your prison ministry will help with your own grief.

Just take it one day at a time and quit feeling guilty. Do what she said, Be proud you gave him that truck and think about how he loved it. I am so sorry you are being hit with so much.

I'm trying, I really am, God am I trying.

I wish I could give you a big hug.

Is there a way you can do something totally different on Fridays (when you would be seeing Kieth). I was thinking along the lines of a self defense class on Fridays. Something, Anything to keep your
mind occupied and help you at the same time. Do something good for yourself, you deserve it.

Demi,

Thanks for your faith in me. I really am not that strong. I have days like Menia too. I just know how she feels.

Menia,

God knows how you are trying and Keith is up there cheering you on too. It just takes time. It has been a year and I still feel like it has been only days.

I just got finished watching the Hallmark channel and a movie about a man who lost his wife. I cried so much. But in the end he had to pick up the pieces because of his children and himself. We all have to find our purpose in life after a tragedy like we have gone thru. I am still working on mine. My whole life has changed. It really helps being on here though. I am so glad they added this thread. We can all struggle thru this together. No one knows what we are going thru but the ones who have been there. I also have found some websites for parents of murdered children which help me also. I know there are some out there for loosing a spouse. I know there are support groups out there too. You could try one on those nights that are hard. It could get you out and it really helps knowing there are others out there. I have tried one but wasn't ready to tell my story in person yet. I just couldn't get the words out.

I am so sorry you felt so sad on Thanksgiving. Are you in North or South MS? We could have met at least for a couple of hours. Next time I head south (Gulfport) I will let you know. It helps to have a friend that knows what you are going thru. I know as I have lost some friends who just don't understand and I can't tolerate that right now. I just need to feel sad sometimes and to be alone. I like alone alot more lately. Gives me time to think and sort things out.

My son had some of Jason's clothes and they still had his smell in them, it helped just being able to smell his unique smell again. Yesterday I wore one of his shirts. These are all things that help me get thru the hard times. I hope they give you some ideas to help you get thru these difficult times.

Tigger Mom