I have been in 2 different DV relationships. The worst was the 1st it went on for years way longer than I knew. Besides for a few marks and a bump on my nose you really can't tell by looking but when things start to get brought up I freeze trying to find the words to explain.

I use to be the normal 18 year old, dressed right, put on make up not alot but just enough. Ya know being a teen well that is when I met him and things were good for a few years but then they went so wrong but I did not know how to get out. I wanted to save/fix him. He made rules that I could not wear certain items and make up was a no no cause that meant I was cheating .. it was a mess now that I look at.

Forward 3 kids and many years later. I'm not in a DV relationship as a matter of fact I'm in the most healthy loving relationship ever in my life. But he trys to get to understand somethings about me that I can't explain: well I can but I hate going there. It is up setting to know that I wasted so many years on something I knew was going no where. I have emotional scars that will never go away. I still don't wear to much make up cause I feel funny. I think I look better with it on but there is something in me that stops me. My new man says that he would never think I was cheating cause of eyeliner or anything to do with makeup. It is just hard to explain to someone who has never been there. He says that he looks at me and can't picture it happening to me. To him it is like it never happened and there are times when I find it hard to believe that it happened to but it did..

So ladies/gents how do I explain this to someone who does not get it or maybe he does not want to get it.

I don't have any answers for you but I will be watching your thread so maybe in the future when I am ready to move on I will see the answers I will be looking for. A realtionship, any kind of a relationship with a man scares the hell out of me right now but I know i don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. It makes me wonder how its going to effect me in the years to come. You know if there will ever be full trust again, if I will shy away if he becomes loud with me, you know just all the 'ifs'. (hugs)sokie

Dear Sokie, you must realise that you are a special person who has her own intrinsic worth as a human being. OK, you got unlucky and it's entirely understandable that you don't feel ready to trust another man right now. Go with that for the time being, just be your clear and wonderfully sensitive self. Make time for YOU and try to be slow and patient. It's not the end of the world if you don't get into another relationship; it might even be that if you entered into one on the rebound the repercussions could be very bad for you. Just love yourself for the special unique person you are and take it from there.

For what it's worth, I've got two friends, both of whom have recently left abusive relationships. One was a woman whose husband, in addition to beating her up, regularly tried to kill himself. Eventually he succeeded. The other was a man who was forever 'walking into doors,' having 'shelves fall down on him,' and he left his wife in the end. People should never have to put up with abuse and you must remember that though you were a victim, and maybe the wounds will not heal straight away, you are a good, kind, caring person who deserves better out of life. You will get it too. I am so proud of you.

Don't let people like the woman at the group put you off. She's just projecting her own insecurities on to you. She's obviously a victim herself so maybe she's doing to you what she wanted to do to her husband and laying it on you instead.

Love and strength to you

I don't have any answers for you but I will be watching your thread so maybe in the future when I am ready to move on I will see the answers I will be looking for. A realtionship, any kind of a relationship with a man scares the hell out of me right now but I know i don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. It makes me wonder how its going to effect me in the years to come. You know if there will ever be full trust again, if I will shy away if he becomes loud with me, you know just all the 'ifs'. (hugs)sokie


Sokie you have been though so much and are finding your own way out. I wish you the best.
By the way. My relationship has been over for 10 years but going back there to explain so hard. I have contact with my EX cause he is the father of my kids. He does not scare me anymore unless he starts to yell at me and call me names then I will kind of freeze up but then I remember that he can't hurt me anymore.
My new relationship is not anything like my old. We don't fight like that or anything. He has not yelled at me or been rough with me in any way. If he did I would not know how to act.

:) I'm glad you found happiness and trust Amy! (hugs) It gives me a hope deep inside that I don't see or share very often.
:) and I hear you to biglin but maybe group isn't where I need to be I don't have it in me to argue or be defensive anymore ;) . What my parents need to do is leave me alone and let me escape into some books and get an education so I can help someone else or stop someone else from being destroyed inside and out like my child and I were. I don't understand why they push me to be around people or believe me communicating with people at this time is important but they do :confused: .
I'm sorry I didn't mean to go off topic on your thread Amy. sokie

Amy - I've been through the same thing - NOT doing something that used to upset him. . .and now, when I recognize it, I have to stop, think clearly, and DO IT! But I'm a contrarian by nature, and I hate recognizing programming in me. It's much easier to recognize that stuff that he put in than it is to fix what my mother did, though. Her stuff is 'way deeper, and I can't figure out how to get back some of the ambition/drive that she stole.

I do somethings that I know would just drive my ex nuts and that is way I do it. But there are somethings in me that have me thinking that all men are the same but I know it is not true but I have my days.

Amy Lynn I can understand what your going thru I've been there....Some men can't understand certain things either because they have don't want to or it scares them (they won't admit it)....Not all men are the same I have a very kind and gentle man that knows what I've been through and trys to understand the best he can ( he calls my ex a punk for laying his hands on me) The only thing that upsets him is that even though I haven't been with my ex for 3 years now I still am jumpy if someone moves quick near me...I duck thinking I'm about to get hit :( As for wearing makeup and things that my ex use to call slutty I just started trying to put that stuff on but its hard when you can still hear him belittling you and calling you names :(

I use to be real jumpy and one man I was with thought it was funny (that is my second DV) but not this one. He says that he can't picture me that way or maybe he just don't want to have that picture in his head. I have pictures some where but I would never show them they are to degrading to show anyone.
This morning I put on a little more than normal, but I did find myself asking my teen if it was to much she said No.

Good! Eventually it will be second nature to do as you damn' well please, with the usual caveats of good taste.

AmyLynn,

My mom went through the same thing. She stopped wearing make-up and would wear sunglasses indoors because HE thought she was cheating or staring at another man. She once lost her jewelry and he kept asking her "what hotel room" she left it in! I didnt realize until today that it was abuse. Thanks for sharing with me. Please, please, do yourself a favor, get a make-over. Buy just a small thing of makeup each week and wear something new. Before you know it, you're looking great and feeling better about yourself.

I have gotten new makeup and wear a different color everyday and I try to do things different to see what way I like it!! It has been along time but hey it is good and I feel better about myself..