Well I sent the clothes release package off today. MAN was that a strange feeling. My heart was pounding when I was in line at the post office lol

Last night I was washing his new jeans. No less than 3 times with fabric softener to make them um soft hehe I ironed them and his shirt and I could not keep my hands off them, I must have refolded them 50 times. Which is stupid as they will just get all messed up in the box anyway. I sprayed his cologne lightly on them to help make them feel familiar to him even though they are brand new.
It's just such an odd feeling, handling his clothes, knowing that in just less than a month he will be wearing them. Its all unreal.

A few weeks ago I started getting depressed though. Started thinking of all the what if's that are about to happen. What if he ..what if he doesn't.. what if WHAT IF?? It''s making me nuts. I think I am making him nuts too and I can not stop.
Where I used to be all smiles on the phone it's all I can do now not to burst into tears and I don't understand. Well I do, but I can not make myself stop.

I think the part that gets me and I feel like a selfish bitch about is, I have not had to really share him with anyone in all this time. My phone calls and my letters were him and me and no one else. and in a few weeks/months it will all be about other people. I will have to share him with everyone, share his time share his thoughts.
I am dreading the silliest of things (well maybe not that silly) So hes been away for years and years. He will be in the HWH for 6 months, far away from where I am. I wont get to go every weekend. I mean, oh man it's hard to put into words. I feel like any day the words, "I don;t need you anymore" will come spilling out of his mouth. I have told him it is how I felt and he calls me silly says he can not live with out me. But I just don't know what to do now with myself.

Am I the only one who feels so out of sorts when it is so close to release?

Hey there, I'm sorry that you are feeling a bit out of things. I have no idea if its "normal" or if this is the final stage of dealing with this whole craziness of prison...But I know that I think about every single "what if" possible and some of them are WAY out there but that's just how I think so I feel like if I were this close I'd be doing the same things you are now. As for your feelings of being un-needed at this point...I believe those are totally justified. Selfish for not wanting to share him? NO. You've had only the time you've been allowed you have only had what someone else has dictated to you is yours...yes it may have been yours alone but his time has been owned by BOP. NOW he's gonna be in control of where his time is spent and with who...not wanting to share that, I think would be somewhat normal....its not selfish, its wanting to cherish and live every moment of time that you can with him. That's what you've done for all this time, lived for each second you got with him because they were so few and probably sometimes far between...its like your empty and trying to fill up on what's been missing all the years he's been gone...I don't think you're selfish at all, you sound to me like a woman in love with her man...There's nothing at all wrong with that. I know the 6 months of halfway house may be tough but that's the next step to him coming home...he needs that time to get a feel of life outside the enclosed cell...he needs to adjust to more freedom to be himself...don't worry about him forgetting you...or not wanting or needing you anymore, he knows that YOU are what held him together all these years and he can't wait for the days that are to come when he can show you how much you mean to him each and every second of the day. Since you say you won't be able to see him as often, set aside some time for you two to "do" something together, even though you're apart you can still connect and enjoy being in love....I hope your worries ease with time and when he's home you'll see that all is finally right with your world. Hugs to you...RedNeck

OMG...you so hit a nerve with me and the not having to share him thing. His last few weeks of incarceration I was feeling just as you are feeling. I was a wreck I thought I was giving myself an ulcer my stomach hurt so bad. Then came the day he got out...we spent the day together before he went to the HWH and I couldn't stop crying...it was awful...all because I knew I have to SHARE him now. Like you said the letters were just to me, even if he wrote other people, the letters to me were just to me, the calls were just to me, the visits were just him and I and now the real world...he tried to reassure me that day but there's only so much he can do. He isn't living with me so I totally have to share him with the world, with work, family, friends, distance...all that stuff...6 months later I'm still getting a handle on that. I don't feel as needed and I miss the letters and sometimes I even miss the visits which is outrageous!!! LOL. Just hang in there...it's different for all of us but I so know what you are feeling!!!!

Redneck I bet the what ifs would make people laugh if we shared, so many of them are like you said, some are WAY out there :)
Your words really did make me feel better, thank you :)

Csmcgrl, oh thank goodness someone feels it too lol a BIG HUG to you! I told my fella a few weeks ago that I thought I would miss the letters and he said I could still write him anytime I wanted even if it was to tell him about this strange new being in my world (him) I am looking forward to that, it is silly but I am going to send him the biggest MUSICAL no way the bop would have approved card the very second I can lol

Yeah I still write him letters occasionally and sometimes send cards...but the difference is that I don't get that reply that I had come to depend on. He isn't a letter writer like me. He wrote letters in there but that's because he was in prison, now that he isn't he doesn't. We also have e-mail now and yahoo chat...but our schedules are totally off when it comes to communicating that way....it is what it is though....

I know what you mean. Mine is not really a letter writer either. He answers my letters and adds a bit, but its rare that I get a letter out of the blue from him that is not in response to mine lol oh well there is always one person who gives more in one aspect of the relationship. Besides I just write him, he writes everyone else.
Although like a bear if I poke hm gently I do get a bit of honey out of him heh he was pretty good on sending hello cards. I loved when he would take a card and scratch out what it said and put in his own words, those were and are my favorite ones.

Redneck I bet the what ifs would make people laugh if we shared, so many of them are like you said, some are WAY out there :)
Your words really did make me feel better, thank you :)

I only have one person in my life that I share all my crazy what if's with and that's my sister and she is my best friend...no man can understand me and my lil head...it runs NON stop! LOL If I told anyone else what goes on in there, they'd have me in a straight jacket and haul me off to the looney bin! LOL

I'm glad what I said made you feel better and your more than welcome. I know what it feels like to feel so alone and isolated and have NO one understand you. I didn't want you to feel that way.

As for your other responses, maybe you should tell him that you would still like to get mail once a week, tell him that his letters have become something you depend on...when we get into this we have to adapt to the circumstances, now things are changing and you have to adjust again BUT he can help you now with this simple thing, even if its not a long letter, just ask him to sit down and write to you at the end of each day (here's a point to make with that) Ask him if he when he's home if he will go to bed without speaking to you (he'll say no of course not) well tell him that until he is there to do that, you would like to have him write to you at least to tell you goodnight, i love you....let him know he doesn't have to mail it everyday, he can keep it for the week and then mail it....let him know how much this will help you to feel "connected" to him and as if you are still a part of his everyday life. He'll understand and he'll do his best to give you what you need. Its not too much to ask for him to take at least 5 to 10 mintues out of a day to write a lil to you and then sit down at the end of the week and really talk to you...he's gonna have to adjust to things and that's understandable but you have to make sure you let him know what you're needs are.....

Take Care...RedNeck

Well I sent the clothes release package off today. MAN was that a strange feeling. My heart was pounding when I was in line at the post office lol

Last night I was washing his new jeans. No less than 3 times with fabric softener to make them um soft hehe I ironed them and his shirt and I could not keep my hands off them, I must have refolded them 50 times. Which is stupid as they will just get all messed up in the box anyway. I sprayed his cologne lightly on them to help make them feel familiar to him even though they are brand new.
It's just such an odd feeling, handling his clothes, knowing that in just less than a month he will be wearing them. Its all unreal.

A few weeks ago I started getting depressed though. Started thinking of all the what if's that are about to happen. What if he ..what if he doesn't.. what if WHAT IF?? It''s making me nuts. I think I am making him nuts too and I can not stop.
Where I used to be all smiles on the phone it's all I can do now not to burst into tears and I don't understand. Well I do, but I can not make myself stop.

I think the part that gets me and I feel like a selfish bitch about is, I have not had to really share him with anyone in all this time. My phone calls and my letters were him and me and no one else. and in a few weeks/months it will all be about other people. I will have to share him with everyone, share his time share his thoughts.
I am dreading the silliest of things (well maybe not that silly) So hes been away for years and years. He will be in the HWH for 6 months, far away from where I am. I wont get to go every weekend. I mean, oh man it's hard to put into words. I feel like any day the words, "I don;t need you anymore" will come spilling out of his mouth. I have told him it is how I felt and he calls me silly says he can not live with out me. But I just don't know what to do now with myself.

Am I the only one who feels so out of sorts when it is so close to release? He is hoping many of the same things believe me as incarceration is not on the list for esteem building principles just humility and lots of it, remember go slow let him know via reinsurance of your love as I assume you have all along from what Ive read. The last time I was incarcerated was 28 years ago and released in 81 I had noone waiting but was nevertheless worried and concerned about a lot of little things as you described and Im sure he is as well but I assure you having you there will make his world a rockin wave of happiness just in knowin "his lady "is in fact" his lady", this is the greatest gift a man can have "Dont Worry Be Happy "! Gotcott

Redneck73. You have the best idea :) I like that very much and it makes sense as well. How can you go wrong in good sense and a bright idea? Well, you can't !
As for being hauled off to the loony bin, get in line I feel like it daily with some of the ideas I have had on "what if..?" lol

Gotcott, you inspire, you indeed do. Thank you :) :) :)

I can sorta relate , my son just went to hwh , I was feeling all anxious about him coming home, not about .the sharing, just the what ifs, I think it probably a common feeling , when a loved one is about to have a major change. Can they handle it , what if ,all those thoughts. He is at the hwh now for a few days , he looks great and I believe will adjust fine. He is in shock, just to wear his clothes and be able to call all he wants, food, IT's all good in the BIG picture , alll moving forward with the flow of life.