I am 25 years old and my fiance, the father of my 4 year old daughter, is serving a 9 month (well 11 if you count the first two in county) sentence for F4 Domestic Violence and F5 possesion of cocaine. The F4 DV was originally an F2 Felonious assault charge, but he plead to the charges and they dropped it to felony DV. The cocaine possession arrest happened August of 2005 and the DV December 2005, He got sentenced to county 2 months before his court dates because while those charges were pending he went out and got a second DUI. He had been in front of this same local judge multiple times before for first MM DV charge and misc other drug related stuff. He sentenced him to county for 90 days and i almost lost it. I was so in denial i really didnt think they would lock him up that day. I had no job and $725/mo rent and i hadnt been without him for 6 years.
My mom had to come over with a sedative after court that day. I was having panic attacks and crying almost constantly. I was in total shock, denial,grief mode. I was going to have to find a new way to live and i was terrfied. I was sudeenly a single parent with total responsibilty. Oh and also I totally loathed myself and didnt know how i would live without him to make me feel loved, even if it was a sick,twisted love at times.

I felt lost- but somehow, and i credit this mostly to going on to a new anti-depressant (i've been clinically,seriously depressed since i've been about 12 years old and been medicated since age 16), i literally pulled myself up by the bootstraps and went to a staffing service, tested well and landed a pretty decent waged job, found a new place for us to live and did what i had to do. I never EVER would have believed i was capable of doing this by myself. The thing is, even though he's my abuser, im totally in love with him. I know im kind of delusional but i try to hide under my daydreams of the happy,healthy nuclear family in my future. I'm much healthier now that before. Right at the end before he went in it started to get kind of better between us. too bad for 5 months before that I had admitted my infidelity to him out of huge shame and guilt, and the mental AND phys.abuse became so much worse and so much more often then before. The guilt just ate me up inside and i told him thinking it would make me feel better! no, it should have been between me & God and i should have forgiven myself and moved on. So of course I blame myself for pushing him over the edge into an insane, drug-dependent nightmare. I blame myself because i called the police after he choked me until i passed out for a very short time...60 seconds it seemed like. I felt myself slipping away and I was terrified.I blame myself that he already had the coke charge and the dv and chose to go out and get a DUI on top of it. HE was not just recreationally using drugs he was using them 24/7. But he never lived any other way then to try to numb the pain with drugs/alcohol of some sort ever since we met. And he saw so much violence between his parents, was abused as a child himself. I know in my head its not my fault and that he or i would probably be dead and my lil girl in foster care if he didnt go prison. But he says he has changed and I know i have as well. I vowed to my 4 yr old that she would never have to see mommy & daddy fight again. A therapist i took her to asked her if she had 3 wishes what would she wish for? She said "daddy comes home, mommy & daddy would stop fighting and we could all be in a family and love eachother". It hurt my heart to hear my baby say that. I will always protect her but i feel like i should give him one last chance to be there for us and do the right things after he completes the intensive dv course and gets out.
i hope anyone who reads this would just answer me honestly if I'm totally delusional that he can change? I have like this undying hope that i cant let go of no matter what. I love this man and he loves us. I see so much good in him.

I was in a violent marriage for 10 years and had 4 kids by him. I stayed because i had always wanted my kids to have their father in the house with them and i thought i loved him. I finally left 5/06 and met my man now. He is the best father to my kids and they love him to death. He has never put his hands on me and shows me so much love. I never thought i could be in love like this and now i know i wasnt in love with my ex it was some kind of obsession with having that fairytale family and it just wasnt meant to be. My new man has taught me to respect myself and love myself. He is not possessive so i can come and go as i please! If i had stayed i would have never had this kind of love in my life. I gave my husband chance after chance after chance and no matter how long he went without hitting me he always eventually did. When my 9 year old son told me "mommy lets leave daddy so he wont hurt you" I left! My kids are happier than ever and so am I. My ex is still drinking and still hitting women but not me i am finally free! good luck and pm me if you need me!

Ibet - Welcome!

You will only see the good, you will never touch it, it will never touch you. The good part of your relationship (the stuff that happened toward the end) was just a honeymoon period - that often happens, just so they can hook you back in, so there is still someone there to be abused.

You should NEVER let him back into your life, kiddo's 3 wishes or not. He is damaging her as much as he is damaging you and himself, and your first responsibility is to HER! You are probably both suffering from PTSD, and need specific counseling for that.

Whatever DV course he's doing is virtually worthless. Your side isn't being told, so he can deny, slide, minimize and just outright lie. And you can't trust him until he's been out for a full year, doing therapy with a DV specialist who you also would see (but NOT at the same sessions, not together). You need a therapist who specializes in DV for your daughter, too. Of course she wants the nuclear family back in order! The therapist shouldn't even have asked! She wants to eat a gallon of ice cream, too, and stay up every night 'til midnight.

Last - are you really beating yourself up about the affair you had? Get over it! You'd been in a hellish relationship and were trying to find some kind of love that didn't hurt - that's his problem. The very thought that you might be able to get away from him emotionally drives any abusive man into a frenzy, because he NEEDS you so he'll have someone to berate, belittle and be "better than".

Change is the most unlikely thing to expect from an abuser. Expect anything else, but don't expect change.

And keep reading around the forum - there's lots of educational info, stories and hugs.

I can relate to how you feel because I was there the beginning of this year. But my marriage, my child, my everything died because I too trusted, believed and went back one too many times. You should treasure the sight of your child running, playing, smiling and looking at you with the trust to keep her safe and out of harms way. I know, I know none of us want to believe it can happen to us--we like living in the fantasy world that our love is strong and they will change because they love us so much. But in the blink of an eye a person can lose what they hold dearest and the words "I'm sorry" don't mean anything anymore. I think you are one of the lucky one's to have a second chance with your child and I envy you. sokie

I am 25 years old and my fiance, the father of my 4 year old daughter, is serving a 9 month (well 11 if you count the first two in county) sentence for F4 Domestic Violence and F5 possesion of cocaine. The F4 DV was originally an F2 Felonious assault charge, but he plead to the charges and they dropped it to felony DV. The cocaine possession arrest happened August of 2005 and the DV December 2005, He got sentenced to county 2 months before his court dates because while those charges were pending he went out and got a second DUI. He had been in front of this same local judge multiple times before for first MM DV charge and misc other drug related stuff. He sentenced him to county for 90 days and i almost lost it. I was so in denial i really didnt think they would lock him up that day. I had no job and $725/mo rent and i hadnt been without him for 6 years.
My mom had to come over with a sedative after court that day. I was having panic attacks and crying almost constantly. I was in total shock, denial,grief mode. I was going to have to find a new way to live and i was terrfied. I was sudeenly a single parent with total responsibilty. Oh and also I totally loathed myself and didnt know how i would live without him to make me feel loved, even if it was a sick,twisted love at times.

I felt lost- but somehow, and i credit this mostly to going on to a new anti-depressant (i've been clinically,seriously depressed since i've been about 12 years old and been medicated since age 16), i literally pulled myself up by the bootstraps and went to a staffing service, tested well and landed a pretty decent waged job, found a new place for us to live and did what i had to do. I never EVER would have believed i was capable of doing this by myself. The thing is, even though he's my abuser, im totally in love with him. I know im kind of delusional but i try to hide under my daydreams of the happy,healthy nuclear family in my future. I'm much healthier now that before. Right at the end before he went in it started to get kind of better between us. too bad for 5 months before that I had admitted my infidelity to him out of huge shame and guilt, and the mental AND phys.abuse became so much worse and so much more often then before. The guilt just ate me up inside and i told him thinking it would make me feel better! no, it should have been between me & God and i should have forgiven myself and moved on. So of course I blame myself for pushing him over the edge into an insane, drug-dependent nightmare. I blame myself because i called the police after he choked me until i passed out for a very short time...60 seconds it seemed like. I felt myself slipping away and I was terrified.I blame myself that he already had the coke charge and the dv and chose to go out and get a DUI on top of it. HE was not just recreationally using drugs he was using them 24/7. But he never lived any other way then to try to numb the pain with drugs/alcohol of some sort ever since we met. And he saw so much violence between his parents, was abused as a child himself. I know in my head its not my fault and that he or i would probably be dead and my lil girl in foster care if he didnt go prison. But he says he has changed and I know i have as well. I vowed to my 4 yr old that she would never have to see mommy & daddy fight again. A therapist i took her to asked her if she had 3 wishes what would she wish for? She said "daddy comes home, mommy & daddy would stop fighting and we could all be in a family and love eachother". It hurt my heart to hear my baby say that. I will always protect her but i feel like i should give him one last chance to be there for us and do the right things after he completes the intensive dv course and gets out.
i hope anyone who reads this would just answer me honestly if I'm totally delusional that he can change? I have like this undying hope that i cant let go of no matter what. I love this man and he loves us. I see so much good in him.

Sokie,

I grew up watching my mother be beaten and choked for 12 years. I seen her not stand up for herself because she was scared, deathly afraid. The story is too long to tell here. He was a violent person before he was high, before he was drunk, after he was high and after he was drunk. I remember thinking as a kid, why my mom let me be scared to go to sleep at night. I couldn't understand why she would let him come back after we would move to get away. The happiest times of my childhood were when he was incarcerated, in the hospital, or when we had moved away from him.

As an adult, I am in therapy because what I exerienced has affected me today. I do not trust people, I question whether or not they are lying to me at several points throughout a conversation. It has also affected relationships, even though I have the greatest husband in the world, it affects our relationship. Trust me I am one of those people who believe in "just get over it". There is truth to "people being a product of their environments". You said you are pursuing higher education. When you take your first sociology class you will see what I am talking about.

Bottom line is, you have built up so much since you have been on your own. Take time to find out who Sokie is and care for your daughter. Everything else will come. Seriously, it will.

Sokie,

I grew up watching my mother be beaten and choked for 12 years. I seen her not stand up for herself because she was scared, deathly afraid. The story is too long to tell here. He was a violent person before he was high, before he was drunk, after he was high and after he was drunk. I remember thinking as a kid, why my mom let me be scared to go to sleep at night. I couldn't understand why she would let him come back after we would move to get away. The happiest times of my childhood were when he was incarcerated, in the hospital, or when we had moved away from him.

As an adult, I am in therapy because what I exerienced has affected me today. I do not trust people, I question whether or not they are lying to me at several points throughout a conversation. It has also affected relationships, even though I have the greatest husband in the world, it affects our relationship. Trust me I am one of those people who believe in "just get over it". There is truth to "people being a product of their environments". You said you are pursuing higher education. When you take your first sociology class you will see what I am talking about.

Bottom line is, you have built up so much since you have been on your own. Take time to find out who Sokie is and care for your daughter. Everything else will come. Seriously, it will.
I think you have me confused with the original poster...my chance is gone.

I think you have me confused with the original poster...my chance is gone.


Sokie, from the bottom of my heart I apologize for that. I am sorry that I made that mistake. I think when I was responding to the original posting by ibet you were really on my mind as I had just went through the threads, reading ones that dated back several months, and your situation really pricked my heart. I was thinking on how brave you are and how your postings are an inspiration to so many people not only here in the continental U.S. but globally.

If I brought you any undo grief, please, please, forgive me. I am so very sorry.
~~~~~~~~
:banghead:

No need to apologize to me ((hugs)). Its taken awhile but I am adjusting and accepting my childs death better these days. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt anymore, its just a fact that she is gone and nothing is going to bring her back.
Take care of your little girl ibet. sokie

Don't listen to a word he says. Protect yourself and your little girl.

thanks for all the words and advice... i'm taking it all in, i promise. it's like my head and my heart and at war, im so conflicted. i feel like such a weak person sometimes. but i know i value my child above myself and i will do anything to protect her. at least i feel less alone since i joined PT.

ibet....I'm glad you joined PTO too~~~Welcome.....there is so much support here and great resources as well.....Honey you've been through a lot....just take it one day at a time and let the feeling of being safe soak in....If you have the resources I would encourage you to get into some counseling....take care of you....get stronger....so you are clear when he is released about the direction you want yor life to go in....Best wishes...~Cat

thanks for all the words and advice... i'm taking it all in, i promise. it's like my head and my heart and at war, im so conflicted. i feel like such a weak person sometimes. but i know i value my child above myself and i will do anything to protect her. at least i feel less alone since i joined PT.
I have to tell you that you are never alone here at PTO...these ladies will pull you out, make you think and see things that you don't want to admit but know in your heart are true. You and your little girl deserve so much more then anger, fear and pain. You have a chance that some of us don't get so use it wisely. (hugs) sokie

I soooo needed to read all of your posts today! I sit here right now, at work... great job, beautiful 5 month old son... and I'm hurting like hell inside.

The love of my life is too my abuser. The man that loved me the most, hurt me the most and now he's serving at minimum 6 years in prison. Some days I feel angry, guilty for him being away and away from his son, others I feel lonely, wishing that I could have back the happy love, friend, lover that treated me like a Queen. He was only abusive when using drugs, and that went from once every other month, to every weekend.

I haven't heard from him in almost three weeks and I guess its time for me to just move on and face the fact that the most beautiful thing that came out of that relationship was my child. I cherish him, I adore him. He is the product of LOVE, no matter what and GOD blessed me with him. That HAS to be my focus... ALL OF OUR FOCUS!

It hurts like hell... a grieving feeling. A feeling of loss. But what did I really lose? I lost the dream of what I wanted... but not for what God will have for me some day.

Pray for me ladies. I don't know what to do.

Just keep moving forward Tinky ;) ((hugs)) sokie

Tinky
Know that your decision was the best decision you could have made for you and your son. There will be times you will doubt yourself, when you do, read the stories of the ladies here who took their abusers back. I still remember being a new mom and the pain of wonder and doubt, you will be fine without him, believe in yourself.

You don't want your little one to suffer the loss of his mother. Go on and make life for you and your baby and know that you did the right thing.:grouphug: God Bless.

Why would you blam yourself a relationship is a trying time just like everything else my ex-fience is in prison for beating the hell out of me attempting to pistal whip me. You have't to understand the value of life and how important it is especially due to the fact of you having kids tomorrow is never promissed and that could of been your last behind a man who of course has more strength then you could of took away in a split sec.The blam is part of getting over but, it is also a part of keeping you down depression wise you don't want to look old b4 your time remember you're stronger than that.( plent of fish out in the sea just don't go searching let them find you very few good men left just be patient I hate being alone too.
I am 25 years old and my fiance, the father of my 4 year old daughter, is serving a 9 month (well 11 if you count the first two in county) sentence for F4 Domestic Violence and F5 possesion of cocaine. The F4 DV was originally an F2 Felonious assault charge, but he plead to the charges and they dropped it to felony DV. The cocaine possession arrest happened August of 2005 and the DV December 2005, He got sentenced to county 2 months before his court dates because while those charges were pending he went out and got a second DUI. He had been in front of this same local judge multiple times before for first MM DV charge and misc other drug related stuff. He sentenced him to county for 90 days and i almost lost it. I was so in denial i really didnt think they would lock him up that day. I had no job and $725/mo rent and i hadnt been without him for 6 years.
My mom had to come over with a sedative after court that day. I was having panic attacks and crying almost constantly. I was in total shock, denial,grief mode. I was going to have to find a new way to live and i was terrfied. I was sudeenly a single parent with total responsibilty. Oh and also I totally loathed myself and didnt know how i would live without him to make me feel loved, even if it was a sick,twisted love at times.

I felt lost- but somehow, and i credit this mostly to going on to a new anti-depressant (i've been clinically,seriously depressed since i've been about 12 years old and been medicated since age 16), i literally pulled myself up by the bootstraps and went to a staffing service, tested well and landed a pretty decent waged job, found a new place for us to live and did what i had to do. I never EVER would have believed i was capable of doing this by myself. The thing is, even though he's my abuser, im totally in love with him. I know im kind of delusional but i try to hide under my daydreams of the happy,healthy nuclear family in my future. I'm much healthier now that before. Right at the end before he went in it started to get kind of better between us. too bad for 5 months before that I had admitted my infidelity to him out of huge shame and guilt, and the mental AND phys.abuse became so much worse and so much more often then before. The guilt just ate me up inside and i told him thinking it would make me feel better! no, it should have been between me & God and i should have forgiven myself and moved on. So of course I blame myself for pushing him over the edge into an insane, drug-dependent nightmare. I blame myself because i called the police after he choked me until i passed out for a very short time...60 seconds it seemed like. I felt myself slipping away and I was terrified.I blame myself that he already had the coke charge and the dv and chose to go out and get a DUI on top of it. HE was not just recreationally using drugs he was using them 24/7. But he never lived any other way then to try to numb the pain with drugs/alcohol of some sort ever since we met. And he saw so much violence between his parents, was abused as a child himself. I know in my head its not my fault and that he or i would probably be dead and my lil girl in foster care if he didnt go prison. But he says he has changed and I know i have as well. I vowed to my 4 yr old that she would never have to see mommy & daddy fight again. A therapist i took her to asked her if she had 3 wishes what would she wish for? She said "daddy comes home, mommy & daddy would stop fighting and we could all be in a family and love eachother". It hurt my heart to hear my baby say that. I will always protect her but i feel like i should give him one last chance to be there for us and do the right things after he completes the intensive dv course and gets out.
i hope anyone who reads this would just answer me honestly if I'm totally delusional that he can change? I have like this undying hope that i cant let go of no matter what. I love this man and he loves us. I see so much good in him.