I've been setting around for awhile now asking myself that question. I wonder if I had said or done something different if things wouldn't have turned out with different results. It makes me upset sometimes to think maybe if I hadn't reacted this way or that way if maybe my life wouldn't be the way it is now. And do these men who have beat us truly believe that they cannot get threw to us without causing us pain in some way shape or form? I just have so many questions in my head and was wondering if anyone else ever questioned as to why things are the way they are for us and if it was our fault? sokie

I asked, early on. Never got answers, but then I was eager to put it behind me and there was no such thing as DV counseling. Since then I've gotten smarter, read more.

What I've come to understand is that people without empathy can't understand who we are. They have been betrayed, generally under very emotionally/physically threatening circumstances, and that is their life lesson. After that all they can see is betrayal everywhere. There are no signals you can give that change that. Some things you say may trigger it more slowly, others faster, but you can't keep it from happening.

They can't hear us through their own fear.

You know I train horses - well, there is no way to ride a horse who's afraid. It takes several years to teach them, with constant repetition, to manage their fear. And the teaching is done in very quiet surroundings, in very small steps. Horses are simple, and most of them learn. Humans don't usually have the chance to live supported in quiet, secure surroundings. And they don't usually have trainers who take one tiny, tiny step at a time. And they're a lot more complex, with goals and timetables and serious prior history. I've more or less "fixed" several horses who were victims of very wrong handling, but they always required very careful riding afterwards, and very controlled situations.

What I'm saying is that they were broken long before we ran into them, and whatever fixing can be done would involve taking them out of circulation for a few years in a kindly environment, put them in the company of seriously devoted therapists and make no life demands on them. We can't do it, not in a thousand years of the most loving personal relationship. We wear out, we don't have the expertise, and we don't have control of them.

It's really not about us. It is a little about genetics, a lot about environment, but it's not about us.

I've been setting around for awhile now asking myself that question. I wonder if I had said or done something different if things wouldn't have turned out with different results. It makes me upset sometimes to think maybe if I hadn't reacted this way or that way if maybe my life wouldn't be the way it is now. And do these men who have beat us truly believe that they cannot get threw to us without causing us pain in some way shape or form? I just have so many questions in my head and was wondering if anyone else ever questioned as to why things are the way they are for us and if it was our fault? sokie

Absolutely it is not yours or any other victims fault. Don't question and second guess yourself. Oh hun, please believe me when I say this. It is nothing that you have done.

my boyfriend is in jail for domestic violence right now, and i was the victim. he was very drunk, and at the time, he had blacked out and didnt even know who i was bc he kept on calling me boy. i know that in his past, he has seen a lot of stuff. his dad is a recovering alcaholic, and had told me that he had hit his mama a few times int he past, so i dont know if thats why he did it or what, he just snapped... but i will tell you it is NOT your fault... dont ever think that, and girls who have been through this, for some reason, do! its not! hit me up if you ever wanna vent, bc im dealing with the same shit, but hes getting help, and i still love him... jessie

Sokie, many people ask themselves the same question. With an abusive person ; it would not make a difference in what you did nor did not do, they will still abuse.
I found this and realized how much "inmaturity" plays into the abusive personality.

"What is maturity ? Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence or destruction. Maturity is patience. It is the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure in favor of the long-term gain. Maturity is perseverance, the ability to sweat out a project or a situation in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging set-backs. Maturity is the capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration, discomfort and defeat, without complaint or collapse. Maturity is humility. It is being big enough to say, "I was wrong." And, when right, the mature person need not experience the satisfaction of saying, "I told you so."

Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. The immature spend their lives exploring endless possibilities; then they do nothing.

Maturity means dependability, keeping one's word, coming through in a crisis. The immature are masters of the alibi. They are the confused and disorganized. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business, and good intentions that somehow never materialize.

Maturity is the art of living in peace with that which we cannot change, the courage to change that which should be changed -- and the wisdom to know"

thanks for checking up on me..!

everyday i wonder why! but im never going to get an answer. i asked him and he says he doesnt know, that he was mad...so everytime he gets mad hes going to hit me?? Ill be damned before this motherf#$%@^ ever touches me like that again. thats the thing. he doesnt scare me, i scare myself now. i feel like i would go beyond hitting him. i feel like i would hurt him real bad and that scares me half to death!

Its been almost a year since I took a beating but some days I still wonder why too Dayzee. :grouphug: I believe it does something to a person deep inside their heart and soul to be treated in such a way by the person they love and trust most in the world.
I remember way back last year when I was carrying my Pamela inside me and I was made to feel ugly when it was suppose to be the most marvelous and wonderful time in my life. I guess I was about 6 months along and had gained about 13/14 pounds when he decided the extra weight gain made me ugly so I was but on a ration of rice and soup broth for my meals everyday being told his child would take her nutrients and what was needed from my body because I wasn't worthy to be carrying her anyway. And you know for sometime I believed him about that too. I don't understand why I felt the need to tell you or anyone about my experience with that other then to let you know you aren't alone at wondering why...
Just don't ponder on it too long because you can't fix someone else or go back and change anything.
Oh, and welcome to PTO. sokie

I guess I never wonder "why me?" because it is just the way it is. I knew and even told him in the beginning that we were so in love that something had to go wrong. I know that sounds horrible but that is how I've thought since I was a child. And through counseling I have learned that that is probably why! When we believe we will be treated wrong we usually will. I hope I make it through this with my BF, if not I will never be blind again.

Well....calling a man weak and a p#$$y and a b!$ch cause he doesn't help around the house probably isn't going to make him too happy. That seems like abuse in itself.

But....*shrug*....he still shouldn't get physical.

I told him "Call the cops and tell them I called you names. What do you think they'll do?? NOT A THING but probably fine you for using 911 frivolously." lol....sheesh. It's not brain surgery. Ya just can't act like that.

I know I can't be going around instigating fights and not expect to get hurt somehow...(called names back, etc.) so I need to control myself. It's something I've carried into every relationship and it's something I need to work on (and i am working on it).

Well....calling a man weak and a p#$$y and a b!$ch cause he doesn't help around the house probably isn't going to make him too happy. That seems like abuse in itself.

But....*shrug*....he still shouldn't get physical.

I told him "Call the cops and tell them I called you names. What do you think they'll do?? NOT A THING but probably fine you for using 911 frivolously." lol....sheesh. It's not brain surgery. Ya just can't act like that.

I know I can't be going around instigating fights and not expect to get hurt somehow...(called names back, etc.) so I need to control myself. It's something I've carried into every relationship and it's something I need to work on (and i am working on it).

Yes you should not call someone names but that still does not give anyone the right to Hit pinch slap pull your hair or push you around. There is no excuse for what he did to you. Right now your looking for answer that your not going to get from him. You have to find them within yourself. To learn that it is not your fault.

Yes you should not call someone names but that still does not give anyone the right to Hit pinch slap pull your hair or push you around. There is no excuse for what he did to you. Right now your looking for answer that your not going to get from him. You have to find them within yourself. To learn that it is not your fault.


Well, I'm not saying that I got what I deserved....but sometimes I feel that that kind of thing is abusive to him as well.

Ya know? Verbally or emotionally abusive. To call a man weak...that's got to be like calling a woman fat or worthless, which (I can ol

I'm going to counseling for this...cause I know I have a deep-rooted anger problem myself. It's something that I've carried into a few relationships...and it doesn't mean I got it back...i've just been really mean before. I'm sure I could benefit from some therapy for it or anger management (or both).

Sugar, that's a fair assessment, and a better way to handle it. Good for you.

I've been setting around for awhile now asking myself that question. I wonder if I had said or done something different if things wouldn't have turned out with different results. It makes me upset sometimes to think maybe if I hadn't reacted this way or that way if maybe my life wouldn't be the way it is now. And do these men who have beat us truly believe that they cannot get threw to us without causing us pain in some way shape or form? I just have so many questions in my head and was wondering if anyone else ever questioned as to why things are the way they are for us and if it was our fault? sokie
G-D Sokie I ask myself the same questions. If I had said or done something different would things have been different or if I would have reacted this way or that way would my life be different. I totally understand what you are saying because that is what I am asking myself right now, but I have to remember that what he did to me isn't my fault it was him not me.

It's been awhile since I asked this question so I have had a lot of time for rehashing it in my mind - both the question and the reasons why. I think now it wouldn't have made a difference at how I handled a situation because no matter what I would have set him off. I don't believe my ex husband was ready for a commitment because how can you love someone else if you don't even care about yourself? I was young in my mind back then, and I still am today in certain aspects and situations, but I have learned that I can't change someone or make them love me no matter how much I try :shrug: the only one I can fix or change is myself.
This forum has educated me with books, information and peoples own experiences in these situations. I believe sometimes that the abuse comes from the abuser being abused in someway, shape or form as they grew but also I believe there are cases like my ex who are just down right mean. And when I say mean, I am talking about it making them feel good or maybe in control by making another cry, bleed or crawl for their life.
:shrug: I'm just glad I am not living it anymore accept in my mind.