I've been on PTO for a couple of months BUT have never posted on here. It's hard to know where to begin......

I AM A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURIVOR!!!!!! Everyday when I get out of bed and face another day I remind myself that I am a survivor, he didn't kill me, I'm still ALIVE!!!! But how do I put myself and my kids back together??? Where do I start???

I was with my EX-husband for 14 years. I met him when I was 17 and he choked me for the first time about 5 mo after we met. Oh how I wish I ended it then. Here I am 14 years and 4 kids later......many years of drama and violence. I FINALLY got fed up and left him in March of 2006. That's when things REALLY got bad. He began stalking me and breaking into my house. To make this VERY long story short...he spent 93 days in jail during the summer of 2006 for hitting me and breaking into my home.

He was released in Aug of 2006 and on OCT 14, 2006, right after midnight, he followed me to my mother's home. He confronted me in the driveway and told me he didn't give a damn about going back to jail it was going to end "TONIGHT"! I knew that ment he was going to KILL ME. I freaked out and began screaming, hoping someone would hear me and contact the police.

His van was blocking my SUV in so I couldn't leave. But I was in survivor mode! I jumped back in my car and began to try to move around his van. He had my door open during this time and was trying to grab me. FINALLY he jumped back in his van and drove off. I sped off towards the police station.

As I drove down the street I saw headlights coming up behind me. Then BAM he hit me from behind. HARD!! I almost lost control of my car but managed to keep it on the road. I sped up and then I saw the light again...BAM He did it again and before I could recover all the way from that one BAM He SLAMMED his van in to my suv going about 50 MPH. That impact ran my car head-on into a LARGE tree. I will NEVER forget how hard it crashed and it flipped over and over. When it finally stopped I jumped out..bleeding. And ran screaming, banging on doors for HELP!!! He was GONE! Like a ghost!

I had many injuries but was so lucky to be alive and no broken bones. The police told me it was a MIRICLE that I was ALIVE!!! I had to be rushed to the hospital when an armed police officer watched over me. They couldn't locate my EX. It took them 2 WEEKS to find him. My children and I had to go into hiding!

Fast forward to a very long, drawn out court battle. He was finally sent to prison in April.

NOW WHAT???? Will he try to kill me again when he is released? Will my life ever be normal again?

P.S. I do not have any contact with him. I am usually on here because my BF was also sent to prison around the same time.

I am glad to know that you survive such a horrific tperiod in your life. I sthere any way that you can get yourself a gun license? Or maybe move to a different state. This man obbviously has no fear of going to jail for life. Have yo ever though of name changes of something drastic like that? They have shelters for women like you, that will set you up in a complately different area and the location is always top secret. It gives you a chnace to get on your feet and maybe get new identities for you and the children.

I can and have looked into a CCW. But to be honest I'm scared. He's a BEAST. I'm afraid he'll take the gun from me if I try to shoot him. I guess that's my own fear of him. Maybe taking a gun class will help.

I know I should relocate and change my name before he is released. But I don't want to leave my friends, home and family. I'm coming to the realization that my life will NEVER be normal again!

June.........thank you so much for your courage and your willingness to share your nightmare with us.......You seem to know him well... you refer to him as a "beast".......you can't do anything for your children or yourself if you are in the future injured to point of not being able to care for yourself or God forbid you are killed....

So please, please take what has happened to you over all these years and choose to live.....if that means changing your identity and leaving all that you know behind, I know God will give you the strength to do this and to find a life that is not filled with terror, violence and abuse....

I am in no way trying to minimize the enormous task this is to undergo...but I will also not minimze what I am understanding you to say about this man's capability to harm you.....Denial is a big part of why women can justify staying in abusive relationships (been there and done that).....By the grace of God you are still here to be a mother to your children.....stay that way....

You can do some research on the statistics of men getting better, even with treatment, and they will show that the odds are very much against you.....so why gamble?

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers......please pm me if you would like to talk further....anytime....Take Care of Yourself....~Cat

Wow! I am so glad you made it through that! Don't ever regret not leaving him way back when, because you wouldn't have the wonderful children you have now... sure, you might have others, but not them. How long was he sentenced for?

Thank you for being so brave to leave and being able to tell others your story, hopefully it will give other victims the strength to leave as well. Maybe self-defense classes will help. And i guess restraining orders are useless. Don't you qualify for witness protection?

CAT~ Thank you!!!!! I need all the prayers and positive thoughts I can get. It's nice to feel your support. I have been looking at ways to allow myself to heal before having to decide my next move.

Robertsbabygirl~ He was sentenced for ONLY 2 1/2 to 5 years. Because he had no prior FELONY record. It was a hearbreaking sentence. I cooperated FULLY with the police and this is what I GOT!!!! A plea bargin and NO TRIAL!!! THIS IS WHY WOMEN DON'T REPORT ABUSE!!!!!! I ALMOST DIED!!!! But in the system I became just ANOTHER number.

Flatlinesurf~ I don't think I can get any assistance to relocate. I did get a court order that he can't access any of mine or the children's medical or school records. So If I move he can't find me that way. I already have FULL custody of the kids.

Honestly... I don't what to do to keep myself safe?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

I also feel your frustration about his sentence because I feel my X wasn't really punished for what he did to us either.
I'm glad you made it out and I can't tell you how to put your family back together. I can tell you that it is a blessing to have that chance and I have hope for your future that he will leave you alone. ((hugs)) sokie

June.....been looking for you...glad to see your here talking with us safe and sound....Sweetie....I just remembered this.....my sis helped a young woman and her four children get out of a really bad/abusive relationship through her church....They were relocated and given a great deal of services including therapy for the woman and her children...new identities...etc.....the beginning was rough but they are doing really well now and the kids are thriving....they had been really out of control before...so there are options for those who need to make a new start....maybe research on the computer or talk with a shelter....I wish you the best.....

PS....I know you need to heal....and it is important...but safety first...I think in your case.....just my thoughts....~Cat

Cat~ Thanks for thinking of me. I am going to contact Safehouse and inquire about how they can assist me on relocating. Your are right my safety is important. Now that he's in prison I've been trying to move on and forget it ever happened.

I HATE THIS!!!! It's been on my mind ~eating away at me~! I'm SO angry at him for turning our lives upside down just because I left him.

I'm so ANGRY at the police and prosecuter's office for letting me down!

I'm SO ANGRY my children I have to hurt like this!!! What do I say to them? I hug them, wipe their tears but I can't bring their Dad back. They want to go visit him and my Dad has offered to take them. They haven't seen or spoken to him in almost a year. But I'm undecided! Will it hurt them more to see him or not to see him?????

Write a Victim Impact Statement ASAP ( I wrote mine on line) to the parole board requesting he serve the max (5 years) and why; detail your and your family's fears, his crime. If you were not assigned a Victim Adocate by the courts-get one ASAP-they can write a letter on your behalf as well, which pretty much guarantees his staying put the full time. You need all the time possible to give yourself "healing time" and to get a safety plan in order.

Write a Victim Impact Statement ASAP ( I wrote mine on line) to the parole board requesting he serve the max (5 years) and why; detail your and your family's fears, his crime. If you were not assigned a Victim Adocate by the courts-get one ASAP-they can write a letter on your behalf as well, which pretty much guarantees his staying put the full time. You need all the time possible to give yourself "healing time" and to get a safety plan in order.

I read my Vicim Impact Statement at sentencing. Should I send that to the parole board now or when he comes up for parole in 2 1/2 years? He just went to prison in April.

Thanks for the info....

Try contacting them and expressing your concerns and they will guide you.
Michigan Department of Corrections
Crime Victim Services
P O Box 30003
Lansing, MI 48909
(517) 373-4467 Local
(877) 886-5401 Toll-Free
(517) 241-0536 Fax
CORR_CRIME_VICTIMS@michigan.gov (CORR_CRIME_VICTIMS@michigan.gov)

This makes me sick that people can get away with beating someone to "death" and get 2 1/2 to 5 years? My heart goes out to you and the kids. I'll be saying a pray for you and the kids. Dont beat youself up about not leaving him sooner. A lot of women "believe he will change". "I'm sorry, I wont do it again" The men suck them back in. So, its easy to get sucked back into the crap. Again, I wish you and the kids the best of luck with your new lifes. I suggest you leave everything you know and get new ID's. I know that easy for me to say.

You asked a very difficult question about letting your kids see him. I can only say these two things. One - if he's abusive then he's not a good father, period. He's damaged their mother, and probably what they are most emotionally involved with is the idea that if they keep tabs on him and keep him happy they can stay safe and control the situation (kids think like that all the time!). Two - your dad or your kids may well accidentally supply him information about any moves you need to make to hide from him in the future. Don't put them in the position of having to watch every word they say (you would HAVE to tell them not to mention a whole raft of things - address, phone, school name, Mommy's work, all that stuff - and then the tension and responsibility are resting on children who want nothing more than to please Daddy by answering his questions.)

Give them a new life without all those tensions, and a chance to grow without that hideous walking-on-eggs psychology that I'm sure they've already developed.

Try contacting them and expressing your concerns and they will guide you.
Michigan Department of Corrections
Crime Victim Services
P O Box 30003
Lansing, MI 48909
(517) 373-4467 Local
(877) 886-5401 Toll-Free
(517) 241-0536 Fax
CORR_CRIME_VICTIMS@michigan.gov (CORR_CRIME_VICTIMS@michigan.gov)


THANK YOU!!!

NIMUAY~ OMG!! You made me realize I'm still acting as a battered woman! I think of myself as STRONG and able to maybe move past this but how quickly I settle right back into the same pattern of trying to make everything "normal". DAMN IT!!! It's so hard to not want to do anything to make the kids happy. They don't deserve this!! Thanks for the reality CHECK!

One - if he's abusive then he's not a good father, period. He's damaged their mother

Tammy01~ It was horrible when I heard his sentence. I feel raped by the court system. He will probably kill me when he's released. How can I fully relax again?

Thank you for your prayers!!

This makes me sick that people can get away with beating someone to "death" and get 2 1/2 to 5 years? My heart goes out to you and the kids. I'll be saying a pray for you and the kids. Dont beat youself up about not leaving him sooner. A lot of women "believe he will change". "I'm sorry, I wont do it again" The men suck them back in. So, its easy to get sucked back into the crap. Again, I wish you and the kids the best of luck with your new lifes. I suggest you leave everything you know and get new ID's. I know that easy for me to say.

WOW - this brought back memories. This happened to my mother. It was long before the new laws regarding abuse were in affect though. I didn't live with my mother while I was growing up, I lived with my grandmother.

Over the years, my step-father would go on a drinking binge and no one was safe. He beat her, knocked out her teeth, knocked my brothers half way across the room, etc. He was the nicest guy you could imagine when he was sober - but he was a "mean drunk". He tried to pull me out of my car when I was pregnant with my first child (the one who is in prison now) and went on a "binge" when I was pregnant with my 2nd and swore he was going to kill people in her family. I almost shot my husband when he came home unexpectedly from a trip that time, so I don't recommend you get a gun. She put up with it for 20 years before she finally had the sense to divorce him.

We kept telling her to leave - but she would always go back to him. She would have him arrested for the beatings - then refuse to press charges. Back then, the cops couldn't do it.

Years after the divorce she told me "I still keep a life insurance policy on him - one of these days he's going to get drunk and have a wreck and kill himself". It didn't happen.

Take it from me - the toll that abuse takes on the children is pschological and may not manifest itself for years. My brothers were affected more than me, and one of them has turned out just like his father.

Be careful. Be VERY careful. I hope you have your children in therapy, it may not seem necessary now - but it will help them in the future.

Good luck.
Madhatter