How do you deal with not hearing from you son or daughter in prison? I am falling apart with worry and fear for my son. I just want to know he is okay!! Please tell me, Mammasita

Mamma, How long has it been since you've last heard from him? Can you make a call to the prison? I know you wont get much but maybe they can tell you if he's in the hole or something. Do you know his cellie's name maybe you can write him?

I wish I had the words to console you. Were here for you and I truly hope you hear from him as soon as possible and he's ok!

Jess

Someone told me if he wasn't okay that they would call you, I don't think they really care one way or the other, do you? It's been a week, he was so sick when he went in, scared to death, it's probably me that's scared. To be honest, I am beyond knowing at this point. Distraught doesn't even touch the surface. I'm just not very good at this separation thing and having someone else completely in control of my son, his life, his health and his emotional well-being. Sorry, just need to vent, Mammasita

Call the prison and try to talk to his counselor or anyone who will take the time to listen. If he was sick or not feeling well you need to know he is ok. It is hard not hearing from our loved ones and letting someone else have all the control. I put all my trust in God and at times that makes all this journey easier.

Have you tried to write? I would write him, and make sure to at least put a few bucks on the commisary so he can at least buy some stamps and writing stuff. I know that its hard. Also call the jail and let them know your worried see if there is someone they can put you in contact with. Best of luck.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I know when they are placed it takes a while to get organized. I did put money on his account but how long does it take for him to be able to use that money? It's probably just me being a Mom but OMG this is hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a believer, but of course, as a Mom, I WANT to take care of everything and not wait for God to complete His work.

mammasita, I know it is hard. everyday before hearing from David I would go check the mail, and almost cry because there was nothing from him. When I did get his letter (2 now) the delay was because he had to wait till he could have stamps n envelopes. it is a bad thing from what I hear to bum from others. it is like a taboo or something. but hang in there. you and your son are in our prayers.
helen

and now every day my wait is for the visitation forms. when he was still local, we saw him every Wed and on Sat we got special visits for his kids. none of us has seen him in over a month now. when we pick up the 2 little ones for church, they always ask "when do we get to go see daddy again " it breaks my heart cause they miss him so much.

Mamasita, When I send money he usually gets it in his account within 4-5 days if that.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you keep calling the prison and get through to someone who will help you.

I have written him everyday since he was incarcerated and he has money on his books, that's why I am wondering why I have heard from him.

Thank you for the encouragement. I know there are "rules" in prison life and I am probably being very selfish but that's just how moms can be sometimes. When I hear from him I know I can make it one more day, just one more day and then maybe I will hear from him again. When he was in county he called me four times a day. We are very close and I know he is also struggling with no communication, he's all about talking to his family and friends. He is so not a loner. Too be honest, I am worn out from worrying and crying. I know I can say that here because we all understand the loss, the emptiness when we don't hear from our sons and daughters.

I guess I got a little spoiled being able to talk to him at least when he was in county. When he went to Verde I talked to him a few times and then in Alhambra no phones, no letters. I had a five minute phone call last Wednesday from him telling me his address and that he had been moved again. I so miss talking to him and I know he is struggling. I know I can't fix this but I would like to at least be by his side as he works through this.

Mamma- I can't even imagine what you are going through, but in time this will all get better. I know you probably don't want to hear this now as you are so worried about your son, but I am sure he is fine. They will tell you if he isn't and hopefully he will be able to call at some point soon. I know this may sound harsh and I sure don't want to hurt your feelings, but perhaps having him a little uncomfortable, missing his family and somewhat miserable, will help reinforce the idea that he never wants to mess up again. I know that's not much help for YOU right now, but hopefully it is working in HIS favor for his future. Hang in there...I truly believe everything happens for a reason. See if you can find something else to do that will get your mind off of worrying about him. Go for a walk, take a bath, read a book...do something besides dwelling on him. It will help.

MountainMom
I am actually working on my PhD in Education and it keeps me really busy plus I work full-time as a Charge Nurse in the post-surgical area in my local community hospital. I take as much call as i can to keep myself busy but every waking second is spent thinking of him. In my heart, I know you are right about him being okay. I am a Mom that never let her children even ride the bus to school because i was worried someone would hurt them. I probably need to get a backbone when it comes to my children, I have 4, my son is my oldest boy. My life has always rotated around my children but maybe this is my time to take care of myself. It just seems so selfish right now, but I have to survive this and I will. I just get so overwhelmed at times that I can't even take a deep breath. Thank you for taking the time to respond, you actually do make a lot of sense. Mammasita

I worry about drawing attention to my son, i don't want someone to figure him for a Momma's boy and do who knows what... I was told to call his counselor and just check on him and I will do that tomorrow. I don't want it to be worse for him because I' worried about him

I received a letter today, Oh My Gosh!!! He is okay!!! He says that envelopes and stamps are like gold in prison and that he would be able to go to the commissary on Thursday and get some of his own. One day at a time. I received some books that I ordered from Alanon so I am going to focus on taking care of me so that when he comes home I can help take care of him without enabling so much. Mammasita

Yeah Mama, that's great. One of the things I am trying to learn myself is that I can't make him make any decisions for him. He has got to want to change and be ready for the change. It doesn't matter how much I want it for him, that means nothing. So taking care of yourself, learning about Alanon and AA is a wonderful thing and somehow you are going to have to let him decide his future because that's the only thing that's going to do it. A friend of mine who's a AA sponsor basically said to me "Their all full of sh** when they join, you can't do it for them and it's completely up to them whether it works or not and frankly, it only works for about 23% of the people". It's sad but the reality of the situation.
How long is he in for? I would write him a lot, you can send him a magazine subcription if he's in for awhile and books directly fro the distributer. Watch if he starts asking for more money and think about what it might be for. Good luck and study hard!

He is in for 4 months, I know, that doesn't sound like long but for me this is an eternity. He has told me he can have $60.00 a month for smokes, etc and he did ask for money for shoes, but that has been it. I do worry about sending money and what he might spend it on now that I heard he was offered drugs and alcohol in prison. I am just amazed, I guess naive, huh? I tried desperately to help my son from the time he was fifteen and no one, I mean no one, was willing to help him. Anyways, that's the system. I hope to be done with my core classes in January and then start working on my dissertation. I have to admit this has been a huge challenge during the last month when my son has been going through "the system" but God is good and He knows what I need right now a whole lot better than I do. I have mixed feelings about AA, time will tell. I know when my son is released he will be in a DUI Court program which requires testing every day and meetings every day, so we'll see. Thanks for being such a good listener and putting up with my whinning, Mammasita

Mammasita -

I can tell you from my personal experience that AA works 100% of the time for 100% of the people who work the program 100%. A hell of a lot of people NEED Recovery... A lot of people WANT Recovery... but the people who actually recover are those who work their ass off for it. My husband comes home in 52 days, and I don't know if he is going to stay clean and sober with me, or not. We both have just over 6 months without drugs and alcohol, him in ASPC Eyman, and me here in Las Vegas. Probably the best thing you can do for your son is get involved in Alanon... You can't do his recovery for him, but you can learn how to take care of yourself so you can help him in the way he needs help... I wish you the best, and will keep you and your son in my prayers.

Nancy S.
Recovering Alcoholic/Addict

Mammasita,
Please don't apologize, I could chose to not respond, so it's all good. I agree with Mrs. DVS completely. Our friend is in his mid 40's, been in and out of jail since he was in his late teen's and is hopefully FINALLY getting it. He's an alcoholic/addict and thought he could do it all and thought he had the world fooled, but he was only fooling himself. I had spent the previous 2 years trying to make him stop partying, to force him to see his ways etc. and the only thing it did, was prolong the inevitable. He broke his probation and is now finishing out his time. His only friend left is me, his family is gone and he's finally decided to grow up. I'm very proud of him for his efforts, but he also knows that if he starts drinking again, I won't do this again. I've made it crystal clear that we are gone, fully against my will, but my marriage would fall apart and it's like I'd be beating my head against the wall. I can't afford it emmotionaly or frankly, financially. He's been in for about 8 months now and has realized that he could have been VERY financially and emotionally succesful as he is a very talented Chef and a daughter he barely knows, but lost many jobs, family and friends because of his antics. I wish I could say that all our prayers, dreams and desires could change them, but the ONLY thing that will do it is HIS decision to make his life a better place.

On the side, the fact that your son is in jail right now may have just saved his life and I would try to be very thankful for that. I have an old beau who died of pancreatitis a couple of years ago and your son NEEDS to realize he's playing with fire. Addiction is a terrible thing and because he's young, he may not realize that he is mortal. My best suggestion is to write him a lot, but tell him things that may get him thinking. Encourage him to work on himself, not just let the time go by. This time is a treasured gift that he will hopefully never get again. Encourage him to to as many AA and NA classes that he can, read books, journal, show him some tough love but let him know it's coming from the most loving and caring place possible. By enabling him (or any of your other kids), you actually aren't helping them. You should tell him you believe in him as a person, that he's not the person he may think he is and he has time to be whatever he wants to be. You can help, but you can't do it for him.

I wish him luck and you the strength to allow him to fall, so he can rise back up. (All of this comes from a loving place to you.) I'll get off my soapbox now and let you enjoy your day.

Mammasita -

I can tell you from my personal experience that AA works 100% of the time for 100% of the people who work the program 100%. A hell of a lot of people NEED Recovery... A lot of people WANT Recovery... but the people who actually recover are those who work their ass off for it. My husband comes home in 52 days, and I don't know if he is going to stay clean and sober with me, or not. We both have just over 6 months without drugs and alcohol, him in ASPC Eyman, and me here in Las Vegas. Probably the best thing you can do for your son is get involved in Alanon... You can't do his recovery for him, but you can learn how to take care of yourself so you can help him in the way he needs help... I wish you the best, and will keep you and your son in my prayers.

Nancy S.
Recovering Alcoholic/Addict

Good for both of you Nancy S. that's great.

I appreciate your soapbox because it comes from experience. I have realized how naive I have been with my son and the letters I write to him now contain segments of how all of this has made me feel and changed my life. I am attending Alanon sessions online right now but my eyes are beginning to actually see the light and how I should be more grateful that my son is being forced to stop drugs and alcohol. I have tried to remind him of what he was like prior to all this happening, when he was allowed to see his children. In one sense I feel guilty telling him some of the stuff I've had to say but in another way I feel like he needs to hear it. I also cry less now, pray more for recovery and I do write him everyday and tell him how much I love him and BELIEVE in him!! Maybe I am making progress, Mammasita

Well Mama, we are all learning and hopefully growing everyday. Good for you and we are all behind you and your son's process. A year ago I would have never thought that I'd be where I am and I sure as h*** wouldn't have thought he'd be in prison, much less doing as well as he is. So, things do happen for a reason and PTO is here to provide support and encouragement that we may never get from our friends who haven't been in this place. I'm very proud of you Mamma and good luck with all your hard work (both in and out of school). (((HUGS))). MountainMom

Mammasita, if your son was just sent from county to prison, he may be in a reception center. Our son was not able to write as his money had not been transferred for a while and he was not able to call us from the reception center at all.
I use Offender Tracking Information Systems on web for our state to keep tabs where our son is. Information is posted the same day so we can find out for myselves right away. Maybe you can post a thread inyour state forum to see if you can do this.

Well, another 5 days and no letter. I was doing really well until I didn't get one today and then I just fall apart again. I know this is not healthy for me so I need to just "get over it". I have a husband who is a very unemotional mate and I can't share any of this with him. He hates it when I cry, so I cry by myself and when I write you all, like now. I am really envious of people who can just trudge through this without a tear and accept the fact that their loved one will actually be better because of this experience. I am so not there!!! Miserable again, Mammasita

My son is in Florence, has been for about two weeks now. I just think he is not a writer and so doesn't think it makes a big difference to me. But yet I write him everyday, wouldn't miss because he tells me how important the letters are. I've told him it is important but...

It's great you are writing him everyday and I'm sure he appreciates it. Our friend doesn't write much because he feels there's nothing to tell. Hang in there and we understand where you are coming from. Just remember to take care of you and keep trying to find that balance in your life. (HUGS).

I understand your pain. My husband is currently serving time in Douglas and I am in Flagstaff. The distance already kills but to not be able to talk is even worse. I know when I went into labor with our son in July I was able to call and talk to someone who inturn transfered the call to a Sgt. When I explained what was going on they asked for me to call back in 15 min. as they would find him. Long story short they found him for me so that I could talk to him. If you call the prison in which he is currently at they can call him on the loud speaker so that your mind can be eased. Just be calm and polite and they will help all that they can. At least I have found that to be the case with us. Best of luck and I hope you hear from him soon.



Waiting for Aug. of 09 for my best friend and love of my life.

Hi Mammasita.
I just wanted to say that I understand too.
My husband was moved around a bit and at times it took a while to get his letters or my mail didn't get to him for too long of a time period (as they were forwarded). I do not have the funds to receive calls and it is even tougher because of this. At the beginning, he had said he had funding to help us to afford the calls and $1K in bills later I finally had to stop taking the calls so my daughter and I could survive. I'm dying to hear from him and have tried to visit as often as possible, but that cannot be very often. :0( (he was at Ft Grant & camp verde for a while)
The good news: I'm trying to set it up where he can pay ahead and I've just signed with Vonage for phone service (wish me luck).

I'm also trying to see him tomorrow. :0)


Also, I will say that your son is very lucky to have you writing to him so often. I can bet that any inmate there would love to have the same for themselves. :0)

I agree with the others re the counselors; when it has been a long time and I cannot handle it, I've also found that the counselors will let me know he is ok.

It is hard, but thank God for all of these things.
I could almost cry reading some of the few posts I've read so far.
This site and the people here are beautiful.

It is late and I hope this response isn't too bad...
Thanks for getting through it. :0)