I DONT NOW EXACTLY WHO TO RUN TO WITH THIS SUBJECT BUT I FIGURED THAT MAYBE YOU GUYS CAN GIVE SOME ADVICE...WELL AS I HAD SAID BEFORE IM SUPPOSE TO GET MARRIED WITH MY BABYS FATHER WHICH I LOVE VERY MUCH..WELL RECENTLY I MET A GUY HES FROM HERE IN CALI AND HE LIVES IN L.A WHICH IS PRETTY FAR FROM MY HOUSE..5HRS WELL I WENT TO L.A FOR THE WEEKEND CAUSE MY MOM WANTED TO GO SEE HER FAMILY. ANYWAYS I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WITH THIS GUY BUT HE SEEMS LIKE HE KINDA LIKES ME HE KNOWS I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND THAT I HAVE A SON WITH HIM BUT HE DOSENT KNOW THAT WE'LL BE GETTING MARRIED SOMETIME THIS YEAR.. AND I LIKE SPEAKING TO HIM OVER THE PHONE AND WE CHAT ON AOL ALL THE TIME..IM NOT CONFUSSED ABOUT LOVING MY MAN BUT I JUST WANT TO NKOW IF ITS WRONG FOR ME TO BE MEETING OTHER MALES AND HAVING THEM CALL ME AND STUFF AS FRIENDS..IS IT WRONG SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY...I CANT TELL MY BOYFRIEND CAUSE AS IT IS HE REALLY DOSENT LIKE ME GOING OUT I THINK THATS WHY I FEEL EVEN WORSE.SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY FOR HAVING GUY FRIENDS...SHOULD I TELL MY GUY???

Mari,

I debated whether to respond to your post. What I'm going to say belive me comes from the heart & with respect. I realize there is a chance that it may be taken wrong. Being that I don't know the 3 of you personally I can only speak from my experiances, & in general terms. You may not like what I have to say, & many here will also probably disagree with me on this. But if we are truly a PTO family thats what happens in families, sometimes they disagree. It is also the reason I decided to respond to your post. Sometimes, I don't say things the right way & I come across as an asshole, & if that happens here I appologize ahead of time. It's not my intention to be cold & heartless.


You say you are feeling guilty, I think thats because you know what your doing isn't right. You should never do anything you wouldn't tell your B/F or husband about. If you have to hide then your doing something wrong.

You should check out the thread on "Jody". When I was in Ireland there were people who would take care of prisoners wives, mostly ex-prisoners or people in one of the prisoners support groups. I learned there, of all the problems specific to being a prisoners wife. One of the reasons there was such intrest paid to them was so they wouldn't get involved with other men. They are very vulnerable & easy prey. So any man who paid the wrong kind of attention to a prisoners wife was dissuaded from pursuing her any further. There are a lot of men who view prisoners G/F's or wives as easy prey, & conquest. They don't have to worry about the girl getting attatched because she is waiting for the husband to get out. You might not want sex or closeness or what ever from him but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it from you. I am one of those in the camp that says women & men can't be just friends. YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE!! If you start seeing this guy. Whether or not just talking on the phone & chatting on AOL is OK or not, that's between you three. I wouldn't have a problem if my wife did only that. It's just that I don't trust guys motives when it comes to women. Every instance of "Jody" coming onto the scene they all start out as "just friends", the guys are all nice, & understanding, & great listeners. they weasel their way in get what they want & toss the girl like a used kleenex, leaving a wrecked relationship in the wake, & a guy sitting in prison going through such mental torcher that many try suicide, or nut up & take others out with them.

Mari, your getting ready to get married, don't start by hiding things from your B/F. As for male friends, thats something you need to work out with your husband. If your going to continue have talks with this guy & meeting him then you should tell your B/F, but realize it will drive him up a wall, & if driving him up a wall is worth it then there it is there. If your not going to meet him, & your just going to talk about stuff everyonce in awhile then he probably doesn't need to know.

Listen to your feelings, they are telling you something for a reason. There are a few women I talk to through e-mails occasionally, who have a spouse locked up, we will probably never meet, but it not about that anyway, & when the subject comes up as to what to tell their husbands or B/F & I tell them to do what they feel is right, without exception they all have decided to tell their B/F, or husband. Which for me is the right thing to do, but I can't speak for others.

Well, thats my two cents. Take care darlin, & do some soul searching.--------Ken

ken put things perfectly, mari. when you committed yourself to your baby's father, you knew he was in prison. that was something you accepted at the time, and you need to hold true to your committment. if things have changed, then you need to be open and honest with your boyfriend. it's not fair to him and he is not in a position where he can even know what's really going on, and he relies on you for the truth.

i know things get lonely for you, but persuing/cheating with another man won't help matters in the long run, they will only complicate things.

good luck!

MARI:

KEN IS SPEAKING TO YOU FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE.... I DO KNOW THAT IF YOU FEEL GUILTY, THEN IT IS DEFINATELY A WRONG THING TO DO.... THIS CAN CAUSE YOU AND YOUR BABY'S FATHER A LOT OF HEARTACHE AND PAIN.... THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DECISIONS THAT DO BRING CONSEQUENCES....


MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU TO PICK THE RIGHT THING TO DO..

DONNA

MARI-PLEASE WHATEVER YOU DO, BE HONEST, NOT ONLY WITH YOUR FIANCEE, AND YOUR NEW FRIEND, BUT ALSO WITH YOURSELF. DECEIT CAN ONLY LEAD TO DISASTER. AS KEN SAID, YOU NEED TO DO SOME SOUL SEARCHING-ARE YOU REALLY READY TO GET MARRIED? IS IT WORTH JEAPORDIZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FIANCEE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THIS NEW FRIEND? ARE YOU FEELING MORE FOR THE NEW FRIEND THAT YOU ARE ACKNOWLEDGING TO YOURSELF ? THESE ARE ALL QUESTIONS ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER. REMEMBER ALSO THAT WHEN YOU ARE A PARENT THAT EVERYTHING YOU DO IS SETTING AN EXAMPLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN. SO MAKE SURE THE THINGS YOU DO ARE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT YOUR SON TO EMULATE. GOOD LUCK- I KNOW THIS IS A TOUGH SITUATION, BUT IT IS GOOD THAT YOU ARE MAKING DECISIONS TO DO SOMETHING NOW ABOUT IT. TO CONTINUE AS IS COULD END UP HURTING A LOT OF PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK!

thank u all very much u dont know how much help u guys have given me...im not ofended by anything u guys all said it actually made me see that no one is more important than my soon to be husband...i do love him dont get me wrong and i am ready to make a commitment with him and being honest is one of them i should have been honest with him to begin with..
Kconnor56 u made so much sence and dont worry i wasent ofended i just found my self a little lost and im glad that u gave ma some words of wisdom its a lot better hearing something like that comming from a guy... its not worth loosing him or making him feel bad over someone i just met..

As long as you keep it on the friendship level you have nothing to feel guilty about. Me on the other hand should feel guilty because of some things and some people that I have been getting in to lately...

I think Ken, Sherri, and AprilCat have said it all right. If your heart truly belongs to your fiancee then there is no need for you to bring another male into the picture.

CREAMYALMONDZ

GIRL WHAT HAVE U BEEN UP TO LATELY....
EVERYONE DID MAKE SENCE AND I APPRECIATE THE ADVICE I NOW I DONT NEED ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE I ALREADY HAVE TWO MY SON AND MY FIANCE I JUST THOUGHT ID HAVE A FRIEND BUT IF HES GONNA FUCK UP MY OUR RELATIONSHIP THAN THAT FRIEND AINT WORTH IT.....I LOVE MY BABY....
THANKS:)

I agree with what everyone has to say,but I really do believe that a man and a women can just be friends,but it depends on the people as true friends are hard to find.I'm blessed with many friends and some are men.But , you really don't know where this guy is coming from.

Mari,

I will reiterate what everyone else is telling you. I love to dance for instance, but the only dancing I'm doing now is around my living room! It isn't worth it to put myself in situations that have no good outcome. Also, I always put myself in my fiancee's (husband in eight days) shoes. If he were the one in the free world and I was locked away and he was dancing or talking, or spending time on the internet with some girl how would I feel? I would feel insecure, cheated on, not worth it. I always tell my kids this "If it feels wrong, it is wrong." I know it is hard and you get lonely. In addition, being a child from a broken home, it is important to always keep a family intact. Sometimes abuse, addictions and adultery don't allow husbands and wives to do so, but no problem is insurmountable. Just my two cents for what it is worth, and a person who has been cheated on.

Kelli

WELL ILL GIVE YOU GUYS AN UPDATE ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION....I TOLD MY FRIEND CEASER HOW IT WAS AND I TOLD HIM THAT HE CAN NO LONGER CALL ME OR ANYTHING...I TOLD HIM HOW MUCH I LOVED MY MAN AND HOW WE PLAN ON SPENDING THE REST OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER EVEN IF IT MEANS LONELYNESS FOR A WHILE...IM NOT THAT LONELY CAUSE THE THOUGHT OF HIM GETTING OUT SOME DAY HOPEFULLY SOON KEEPS ME GOING AND MY SON ALSO HAS A PART OF THAT...I THOUGHT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT YOU GUYS HAD TOLD ME AND SO I TOLD HIM HOW I SPOKE TO A FEW FRIENDS AND HOW THEY ENLIGHTEND ME..I TOLD HIM HOW I HAD TO BE REAL TO MY SELF AND HOW IF I FELT GUILTY OR WRONG THEN THERE HAD TO BE SOTHING WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION...HOW I HAD TO DO SOME SOUL SEARCHING AND THAT, THAT WAS THE REASON WHY I CAME TO MY DECITION....SO THERE WAS NO RESPONSE FROM HIM AND I LEFT IT LIKE THAT.....I THINK IT WAS BETTER THAT WAY ANYWAYSBUT IM GLAD THAT YOU GUYSS GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO....I ALSO TOLD MY MAN HOW IVE BEEN ON THE COMP CHATING AND EMAILING AND ALL THAT OTHER GOOD STUFF AND HOW IT WAS...I HOPE HE DOSENT GET ANGRY AND MOST OF ALL DISSAPOINTED IN ME...THANKS GUYS YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.....:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Mari, I think you got some great advice here, and I think that you did the right thing. I know you are lonely, hell, we are all lonely. That is why we are all here. I think if you feel that deep, never let go feeling, for your guy, you need to go with that. It's rough when you come across other guys that peak your interest, but, if they are good guys, they will understand the position that you are in. Good luck to you, and even though your not my "kid", I am completely proud of you. Keep the faith girl!!! I know sometimes it seems so unfair, and you get angry, and you get tempted. Maybe this is God's way of testing us! I don't know any other situation that we could go through that is like this. For example, I always had a hard time believing that my relationships were true. Well, probably because they weren't. AND, the majority of the time it was because of me. I have always had a hard time staying true to someone because for some reason, I got freaked out and felt clausterphobic. I have always ended up walking away for some other guy.(for no reason) Well now, I can walk away anytime I want, and the funny thing is I DON'T WANT TO! How crazy is that? I guess you know true love when it's there. You just feel it in your bones!!!!! Good luck to you sweetie and I hope for all the best for you!!!!

Creamy Almondz Girl, what have you been doing???? :)

Mari,

I want to say that I agree with Jeni. What she said was right on!! I too am proud of you. It took a lot of courage to open up to us, & let us comment on a very personal part of your life. It also takes a lot of courage to go through the self examination your putting your self through, soul searching is hard enough in the best of times. Your a good soul, as cold hearted cruel people don't ask the questions your asking, they don't care. It shows great character to look down a path before taking it. To read the signs before going full speeed ahead. I know because I have made those mistakes, & I have regretted them. Well, take care, love & respect-----Ken

MARI- I TOO AM PROUD OF YOU, AND IT TOOK A LOT OF STRENGTH TO MAKE THIS DECISION. THE RIGHT DECSIONS ARE OFTEN THE HARDEST TO MAKE.

Way to go, Mari! What you just experienced was probably pretty difficult but you really went about working it out the right way! I'm proud of you, too! *hugs*

it was hard but im glad that i have people like u guys as friends even though we might not now each other i consider u guys as great friends cause only friends give good advice like this....im also proud of myself...im glad that not only do i have my man to talk to but u guys too...thanks for the great advice and for taking the time to read and answer my question .............

with love and much respect mari :)

Good going Mari..... It takes a lot of strength to do what you did.

Sherri.... I have been told that the hardest decision to make is to make a decision.

Mari,

I had a situation like this a few years ago with my fiancee and this is what happened.

When I first met Boo, we met while I was visiting relatives and he happened to call my brothers house while I was there. We started talking and exchanged information and began talking to one another via phone and letters.

My situation I think was a little different though because Boo was already incarcerated when we first met, and it took a lot of letters and talking on the phone to make me realize that I loved this man and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I was talking to him on the phone one day, complaining about how boring my life was and how lonely I was feeling. He replied with "Baby, if you need to live your life, go ahead...I don't ever want you to feel like you have to be in prison here with me...I want you to be happy...if you ever feel like I am holding you down, then let me know...I will totally understand."

We got into a deep conversation then and I admitted to him that I had met a few people that I "thought" I might be interested in, but that I KNEW I loved him and it wasnt right, so I never pursued anything with them. Boo appreciated my honesty and said he loved me even more because of it. On one occasion an old friend of mine from college (who is male) had stopped by for a visit. Boo called and I accepted the charges...after talking on the phone for a minute (I didnt acknowledge my friend because I didnt know how Boo would react) Boo says to me "Is everything ok? you are acting funny?" I immediately felt guilty...not because I was doing anything wrong, but because I hadnt been honest about my friend being there from the jumpstreet. So I told him about my friend being there and he said "Baby, I know you like a book...I knew something was up! But it's ok...just as long as you conduct yourself like a lady, I trust you."

But that was years ago and there is no way in hell I would put myself in any position where I felt as if he would be hurt or offended. I think as your relationship grows you begin to think of yourself as one person and more thoughtful on how that would make YOU feel if it was done to you.

But I think that you got some great advice from everyone here and I see that you made a wise choice by coming clean with your man and your friend that you met. In the long run, you will see that your honesty to your man means a lot as just like someone said, he can only go by what you tell him.

So take care and take care of that baby! And I am always here if you want to talk.

Patrice

:confused:
Dear Mari,

i'm not here to judge....

Been there, done that! you've got to keep it real with this dude. Live, it's only one life. if he's a true dude then he will understand if not, send him on his way. I know what it is to have your heart belong to 1 man, and ur body needing a humanly touch. Now, remember you've comitted urself to ur boo in prison and it will kill him, believe me ..my husband and i have been through it all and we still kick it like best friends because he understands that it's not easy out here.
anywho, do you!! be happy with you 1st and foremost.
your heart belongs to your boo.

1 LOVE

REINA
ADR

Whew....just a simple response from me...from someone that let "Jody" in. The pain that I causes...the time that was lost...none of it was worth it. Thank God that I have a man that loves me unconditionally. I learned that love...real true, honest love is worth more then anything in the world. This life ain't easy...and there are no "rules". But take it from someone that has been there....T'ain't worth it my friend. God Bless

iI NOW WHAT YOU GUYS MEAN I LOVE MY BABY AND NOTHINGS WORTH LOOSING WHAT WE HAVE. I HAD TO DO A LOT OF SOUL SEARCHING AND I DID. I FIGURED THAT IT WASENT WORTH LOOSING WHAT I HAD FOR A NEW FRIEND OR WHAT EVER HE THOUGHT WE COULD GET TO..THANX PEOPLE YOU DONT NOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE THAT YOU GUYS ARE WILLING TO VOICE YOUR OPPINION TO ME IT MEANS A LOT.

I know I am posting late on this but I want to say that you did a great thing by opening up.. Deep down I think you knew the answer but just needed to have some help to find it. Like you said you we're lost. I am glad you found your way and know that we love you and just want to help..

Congrats on the marriage next month..:)

well here goes my thoughts.. i know this: i love my fiance very much and i would never go out on him and meet with another man even for coffee. i made a committment to him and i entend to keep it. your hert is not in the right place. even though this is hard for you to be away from him it is hard on him being away from you and his child. honey i could go out with many men, but i wont, i love my man with all my heart and he still will not be home until mid spring and has already been in priosn for 7 months, oh gosh i hate it i get so lonely but i stay busy and i go isit once a month. i have not had any attention from a man since he left, no sex no nothing. so you can do it if your heart is right. i worship my man and i will wait for him. no questions ask it is done. we are getting married next month it has already been aproved by the warrden so why can't you go marry your man??? hang in ther girl you'll be ok.

I have to agree with the majority here. *Deceit, *Lies, and trying to carry on two "separate relationships" that are too similiar can and do lead to "Disaster" for all and "no one wins". I know "firsthand" all about that as I was a victim of the same situation only it was the "guy's" fault and not us two women. 1 of which is incarcerated. I fell hard, got my heart broken hard and so did she. It was NOT pretty. Stay true and stay honest if you are sincere about marriage, for that my dear friend is a very sacred thing.

*AngelnNC*

I know this is an old post, but it just kind of fits in with what I'm going through now. I'll try to make a very long story short.My ex daughter in law and mother of my grandson kind of poped back into our lives after being away for years. My son didn't know where his son and x where, only that she was re- married. Well for about the last year she's been visiting my son along with thier son. She's been telling him that by the time he gets out, she'll be divorced and have a house and they'll live happily ever after. During the course of all this my son has done nothing to push her or anything to get her to leave her husband , infact in the beginning he told her she should try to work things out with him.(hushand) He asked me if I felt as if she was sincere and I assured him that she was since I had even gon with her to look at houses in the county where he'd be paroled. The story really goes on and on , his time is getting short , she's changed her mind , my son is devistated , my heart is broken for him and I just had to get this out.

Oh dear, what I wrote last night ,just sounds so crazy tonight.I think it's lack of sleep and just worrying about my sons feelings and something I can do nothing about.

Like one member told me before what your man dosen't know won't hurt him...I am just saying as long as it is a friendship thing then do it.I can tell you from experience telling your man will only get him pist.

Valeria, as a mother of course you are concerned about him, we all are when it comes to our children. She should never have come back into his life, unless she was going to be there for him. Tugging at his heart was wrong. Now the only thing she owes him is the chance to get to know his son. After that, only time can tell. You can help him through by just being there for him and keeping the contact between his son and him open, she has a lot to answer for sooner or later, and later will come. As long as he knows you are there for him as his mom to listen to him and for him to share his feeling with he's got the best support system. I wish you guys the best and he will find the woman who is as they say his soulmate, and he will be able to move on with his life.

Take care

Cherokee, Thank you, and your absolutly right.

Mari, I can tell you a little of my son's story about this. His girlfriend the mother of his 8 month old daughter. She went to visit one night and she told him that she was seeing someone else. They were to be married this month. After months of my son saying that he had nothing to live for he seemed to be better. Three weeks ago he tried to commit suicide. He hid his feelings until he thought know one was watching him. I know in my heart that my son will never be the same, because of a few words spoken by someone that he thought loved him unconditionaly and because of where he is he can't even try to win her back. So to him he had nothing.

God Bless you,
Annie

At times like this I can only say your son will be in my prayers and as I told Valeria, she will have to deal with her decisions sooner or later. He will realize that hurting himself is not the answer. We all think it is at a time when we feel we have no one. I hope that he is getting medical attention and they are aware of whats going on. Medical attention, i mean counseling they can provide that where he is I am sure. But as long as he knows he has family who loves him that should pull him through.

I agree with K. I was 18 when I committed to my first husband. He was doing 15-35. We both agreed that what I did was my business. He couldn't expect me to wait so long and not have a life. I got pregnant and had a son. Although not the real father, that was his boy! I was no angel, but I always knew that I was in love with him. I was a kid, I had to grow up/ We both knew that. It was NEVER a topic of my doings.We had talked about and knew where the other one stood. I was there every weekend. I took all the phone calls. The thing is WE TALKED ABOUT IT RIGHT UP FRONT. We didnt lie or hide ANYTHING. I worked in a "mans job" so I always had men around. Wifes were always septical, but after they knew me, they never cared about me being around. Pat knew that my life revolved around "us". We NEVER hid anything. After 13 years he came home. We did however end the relationship. My son currently lives with him and his new wife. We never fight over our son. We have NO problems to this day. My current boyfriend is doing 5 years. He is not comfortable with how I lived when Pat was locked up. So I don't. Bottom line. If I betrayed him it would hurt both of us. When I got into the relationship, again right up front, we talked. When he got locked up, we talked. He made it clear that he could not bear the thought of me being intimate. So I will honor that no matter what. Dont get me wrong.. there are some men that I want to tear into. But, nobody can take the place of John. I realize that the things that I need as a woman... the cuddling,the soft kisses, the being pampered... that WILL BE BACK. But you get those things by earning respect, and honesty.You get what you need by giving what they need. Your man needs alot right now. If he loves you he will give you what you need as soon as he can. Now, its up to you. If you can't then you need to have a heart to heart. I know the people in here miss the closeness and all that SKIN. But another man is not what you want. You want YOUR man, and for that... you gotta ride this out...... Batteries don't hurt either:cool: Think it over, talk it out. Good Luck

Annie, How is your son doing now? Just as Cherokee said, I hope he is getting some counseling. God Bless you and your son.......Valerie