Met young and have been in/out of eachothers lives for over 20 years.That time included 3 prison bids,but we were blessed with 2 beautiful children.I lost my mom very young and had no solid family support and neither did he.So one would think the perfect match together we would create that family we always wanted but didnt have.Well to fast forward when he came home from what was suppose to be 4 years that turned into 10 he brought anger and hatred with him.To summarize,when angry he broke things even took the bathroom door off the hinge one time cause he said I shouldn't have close the door when he was talking,he yelled a lot,nothing was ever good enough,I didn't love him enough,I wasn't loyal enough,etc.One time he asked me to do something and I couldn't at the time so he told me if I left the house I would be sorry.I really never gave it a thought that it would get physical so I went to leave for work and the next thing I knew I'm in the corner trying to shield myself from him beating me with his belt,the rage was so deep it was like he didn't hear me screaming, apologizing anything so he would stop.Of course I did what was ask then later on he act as if he was not the one that had put those bruises on my legs,arms and back.Then the time when he slapped me across the face with his belt because he accused me of ignoring him.But the worse was the verbal insults and belittling,waking me up all times of night to cook or whatever else he wanted.But then he would just switch like Jekyll and Hyde and be the man I fell in love with.The man that loved and protected his family.Anyway when he came home from the second incarceration he was not as hostile but at this point I still walked easy most of the time so I didn't set him off. There were still arguments but nothing too physical but the control was already there by then. Again an incident occurred and he was so out of control,he had a look in his eyes that scared me so bad,that I had to walk away.Since then time has passed and he is now serving time on his 3rd bid and when we speak he sounds like he has grown a lot,appears to be more gentle.He admits his behavior was wrong and he wants to be a better person and better man.I pray that it is possible for him and I know God can do all things.My son wants Dad to come home and my daughter has mixed feeling because he has been in prison for most of her life.I can't lie I do still love him I just don't know that I should open that door again. Don't know if I could really be any good with anyone for that fact and that makes me sad because I want to be happy and I want to be loved the way I deserved but don't think I even know how to even explore the possibility of a relationship.
Sorry for the long post, but needed to finally just let it out. This is such a big step for me because I am such a private person. I keep everything so bottled up inside. I was terrified to even press the submit button on this thread. Thanks for listening.

Some women just go way over the top when they love. Not meant as a put down, because I too, am one of them! Who knows whether or not you will ever have another relationship or feel the same way about a man again. The way I look at it, for myself, I hope not!!! It seems that every man that I date, I see red flags!!! I have a choice, ignore them or run! I choose to run!! I'm safer that way! Oh well, maybe someday. If not, I'm happy with myself and my life and not about to give that up very easily.

I can not see why you put up with that. Is it really love? Love don't hurt.
Why don't you get into counseling and see why you put up with this kind of abuse. There comes a time in our life that We Count TOO. .Its better to live alone then in a house with such contentious. After 20 yr?? What about you?
You have to start with you. I no you deserve a better life, then to live in such torment.

I am sorry to hear you have had such a troubled time. I am not the one to give you advise because I want to tell everyone being hurt and abused to run. I think its awsome that you have 2 children and are thinking about their wants and needs. It would be a shame if your little boy saw you being abused and tried to either make him quit or decided that is the way he would treat his (in time) girlfriend or wife. If my daughter had lived I would have never have let her father be a part of her life because I believe eventually he would have turned his rage on her...but thats me and mine and has nothing to do with your situation.
I think its good that you opened this thread too. ((hugs)) I have a hard time talking in group or even counselling but the words seem to come easy for me here and it feels better for me after I have told what I went threw, going threw and what I will not go threw again. Its sort of therapy for me because people see it but I don't have to face them on the street everyday. I know it sounds crazy. :D
They tell me in counselling that the first part of healing is to recognize you have a problem. I have to think you are wanting to be healthier inside and out because you understand you have a problem too. You take care and I'll be watching for you around the boards, you are never alone here. ((hugs)) sokie

At this point, you could probably be diagnosed with PTSD; it's pretty common in people exposed to violence even once. Getting that taken care of is going to be your ticket to the future. So you get into contact with your local domestic abuse agency (there are stickies in the forum that have contact info), and you start there. Because it's been a long time coming to this, it will take a little while to get to feeling better, and it will take delving in to what it's done to you before you'll be able to trust your heart, but if you don't start now, you'll take longer. . . so do it now. That makes you one day closer to loving and being loved as you hope.

You will Love again completely, But more than likely it will not be him. To much damage has been done. I'm sure that your son wants him home but more than likely things will go back to the way that were. I for one could not put my kids though that anymore. My kids still have contact with their father but the less that we do the better.
nimuay knows what she is talking about listen to her.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. Healing, in all things, begins when you recognize that you've been injured in the first place. Many abuse victims never reach that point--you give yourself a pat on the back, you've done a fine thing.

You are so obviously better than your abuser and I trust you have long since gotten far away from him. No one deserves to be treated as you have and he obviously does not deserve you.

It might be hard to believe just now, but there are many, many people in this world who are worthy of your love and will treat you as a lover ought properly to do. Try to open your mind to this possibility. Open your life to those who might come your way--the right one will understand that you'll be mighty cautious and hesitant and know that you have every right to be.

Just don't abandon your own life over a bum who beats you up. That would be a terrible waste, for you and for the lives you will touch as you move on through this life.

Thank you all for your positive feedback, it is very much appreciated. I was so scared to expose myself like that but I am glad that I did. I will consider looking into some type of counseling, just dont know if I am ready to be out in the open with that yet. Even though a lot of time has passed still feel uncomfortable talking about it. It is true that I love over the top I am the type of person that loves very hard with my heart and soul. But I also have grown enough not to allow mistreatment anymore or to lose who I am in the process. But it has really been difficult communicating with him and having him be apologetic and wanting to be a family again and this time he does not appear to be the same. But I know that it could be a mask. So right now I just trust in God to lead me in the right direction and help me to make the right decisions for all involved. But I want to say again thank you all so much for listening..and hugs to everyone.

If there is a womens' center in your area (and there is in most areas), try talking to someone there. They will have counseling referrals and other resources available. And most will be free or very low cost.

Meanwhile, try to take it one day at a time....that's all we're handed in this world, and I believe we ought to regard that as a lesson. Remember that you don't have to "fix" anyone or anything and that what matters first and foremost is you, your well-being, and your safety. Hang in there.

http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/NJ.HTM

Mahogany - click that ans see if they have something in your area. . . then just call and talk (only a little - they'll probably have a questionaire for you to fill out that will not even require that). It's just baby steps for now - your first was telling your story, this can be the second.

Hi Mahogany I read your posts and thought I'd share my thoughts with you....First, I am so sorry you went through such terrible abuse and that your children too have been affected by both the abuse and the absence of their father....

Getting some counseling for all of you in the long run maybe very helpful. As I read you story I believe you said that the abuse started after you husbands first time in prison....Nim mentioned that you probably have PTSD....(Post Tramatic Stress Disorder/Syndrome)....and I would imagine you do and possibly your children do as well and a trained professional in treating trauma victims can very much help you all to recognize the symptoms and how to cope with them.....

Because you said that the abuse started after your husband's first release....I am quite convinced he too has PTSD and the examples you gave sound so much like he is/was re-enacting his trauma of prison with you....meaning....tearing the door off the bathroom....and saying your not entitled to privacy....and some of the other examples make me think he is acting in the way he was treated or observed CO's or other violent inmates act toward one another.....

I observed this behavior in my son after being in prison at Pelican Bay...which for us Californians is the worst of the worst prisons in California....I also remember witnessing this behavior in Vietnam Veterans who were on the front lines....they are often not even in their bodies when they are perpetrating these acts.....Now please don't think I am excusing their behavior or suggesting that it is okay.......NOT AT ALL...but if your husband has untreated PTSD then he could be helped if he chose to get help and you all may be able to salvage something if nothing more a civil relationship toward one another in co-parenting your children one day...hope this is helpful information....God Bless you and your family as you find your way....BTW....congratulations for being so courageous to share your story with us....this is an excellent place of support, encouragement and resources....hugs, ~Cat

I just read where you don't know if you are ready for counselling. Somedays I truly do hate going and never say a word while I am there but it does do me good to listen and they give me things to really think about. But what I stopped in to tell you is this is a very comfortable place so post what you went threw and how you feel, I do. It will help you to see things and hear other peoples feedback and advise. There are some very special people here :thumbsup: They are smart, educated and only want us to be okay so you will hear positve things and helpful ways to keep moving. (hugs) sokie

Thank you all again for your positive feedback and support. I do agree that he was very institutionalized from his first incarceration. At that time I did understand that and tried to help him and be supportive, but it was never enough. One thing though he was never physical in front of our kids. He would more so just walk around with an attitude with me or not speak to me. My son is much older now in college and he is very supportive of his father. He is constantly saying he is not so rough around the edges anymore and he will be different this time around. Even though he is older he still has this idea of us all being this big happy family. My daughter she is still young will be 10 this year and she loves her father but angry that he is in prison. She said I want him not to yell or argue or be controlling. Wow, that hit me hard to know that she identified that. Thing is I thought as time went by that I would just move on and get over it. But that is so far from reality, I still have every comment he has ever said, every incident that has ever happened still in my head. Then I ask myself how could you still have feelings, whats wrong with you? I will stop now because I'm at work and getting a little teary, I may come back and talk a little more later. Sorry again for the long post. Thanks for listening.

Mahogany,

I've never dated or married an abusive man, but my brothers and I suffered abuse at the hands of our father. I hear your story and I understand, because my mom stayed in the marriage for nine years before dad seriously hurt one of my brothers and her as well. All I can say is that I'm praying for you and your family, asking God to give you the wisdom to see the situation with clear eyes, and to give you the courage and protection you need to make the right decision. God bless you and your family. (((hugs)))

hi just read your posts you are a very brave and strong woman must be to have put up with the hard struggle you've had especially where kids are envolved to, i admire you and i hope you have the courage to make the right decision for you and your children good luck hun thanks pies xxx :)

I was abused by my husabnd for all of the sixteen years I stayed married to him. We were together for two years before we wed. There were a few signs of violence but I never thought my life would end up the way it did. It progressed over the years and I was scared. Fear drove me into isoltaion and kept me where I was. For many years it was the type of physical abuse that no one could see on my, it was in places where my clothing would cover it up. Small bruises here and there were always easy to make lies for. The verbal abuse was daily...By the time I filed a protection order and he was arrested it was too late, I had never reported any of the attacks over they years, how could I? He was my husband. He was "sick" a prescription Drug Addict, or thats what the Dr.s told me, and his counselors... I had to stay to save him, to make him well, to make him want to be well to take care of me and our three kids. He would not survive without me... I kept it all together, held down the good job, paid the rent, the bills, I paid a brand spanken new truck payment for him while I drove around in a used piece of junk that always broke down. I became just as sick as he was. In the end I moved him out of the house and kept up an aprtment for him, all expenses paid for (this so he would not come back home) I was falling fast, the beatings continued even when I moved him out... it was a cycle that had become very very visible to the outside world. Fat lips, eyes swollen shut and split twice, bruises the size of dessert plates, cigarette burns on my arms, legs and neck (that was a punnishment for falling asleep before him), broken arms, stiches... it would happen infront of the kids then, infront of his buddies if he got pissed at me or wanted money and I said no... I can go on and on... I was stuck in fear, everyone would know if I told...

It took a friend who took apicture of me when I did not know it at her pool ond day and she sent it to my family...they interviened to save me and my kids. So I know how you feel, I know how it is to NOT BE ABLE TO LEAVE. I decided that night 4 years ago that he would never lay a hand on me again. I never thought I could trust again, never love again... never even opne my heart and take that chance... I know how you feel. I have tears as I am writing this very personal post, but I know that people need to hear these things so they know that things can change. I had him arrested, I divorced him, I filed the protection order... I have soul custody of my three kidfs, I raise them and financially suport us... and I am in love. I am in love and it is so wonderful. I now know that I never really loved for those 18 yers, I feared... very different. You will heal with help, you have to be strong, tell your story, get professional help... when the time is right your heart will open to someone and with caution (because that is how you feel you have to be), you will learn to trust, to love and to allow someone to love you...

Im sorry if this offended anyone, I just know what it is like to feel empty, devistated, and scared... to feel completely broken and worry can and will anyone ever love me again, will I trust...

It took me almost two years on my own before I met Rob, he helped me heal. He was patient (he was out then) I could tell him everything and he did not judge me. I still remember wrestling around one night and as he lungged at me to flip me over his shoulder I flinched, the look on his face. He could see the fear in my eyes, over silly wrestling... I still had fear. It took a long time, but it's gone now, I am not affraid, I do not flinch any longer at a sudden move... I fell in love with my best friend and I have never been happier. You will find love again, you will be able to trust... take care, Dawn

Dawn, how eloquently you expressed the feelings and the shame and your own disbelief at your entire situation! My abusive situation wasn't as severe or as long as yours, but it was damaging just the same. I remembered thinking, "I can see why so many women stay in these situations even when they realize the danger and they want OUT! Many don't have the support group of family and friends, many don't have a job that could support them and their children, many don't have the education or the survival skills necessary to get them throught this and overcome these obstacles!" I realized how fortunate I was: I had parents that were well off and could take me and my two young children in, I had a college degree. I had to move almost 200 miles away in order to get away from my ex and to live with my parents which meant I had to leave a good paying job and try to find another one in an area I knew couldn't compete salary-wise. I was scared. Then I thought about all the other women with a lot fewer resources than I had available to me and I quit feeling sorry for myself. I encourage every woman who is in an abusive relationship to get out! Whether it's physical or emotional abuse or both, get out! YOu'll thank yourself for it! You owe it to yourself and your kids!

You have what I like refer to as the "abused woman sydrome" and yes, it is very real! My mother and I were subjected to this kind of violence. My mother and I were like prisoners and we were terrified to try to get away. He instilled a fear in us that was unlike anything that I can describe. It made you fear him, but we feared the consequences of fleeing even worse. He threatend all of our family members to keep us from turning to them for help. My Mom would just take the beating, scared of what he might do to her parents, or brothers. It is not that you go way over the top when you love a person like one of the other writers said, it's that you have been conditioned. People like never let you see who they are initially, (ofcourse or you would end it before you have an attachment) Men like this are usually cowards and break at the assertion of another male. From an adult survivor of the same type of abuse, I would like to tell you to keep your head up, never look back and think that you did something wrong, find your strengths and learn to love them, uplift and elevate yoursel, give yourself credit and your self-esteem will rise! And if you have children, be thankfull your out of an abusive situation, girls usually mimick behavior whereas boys usual respond to it.

You have what I like refer to as the "abused woman sydrome" and yes, it is very real! My mother and I were subjected to this kind of violence. My mother and I were like prisoners and we were terrified to try to get away. He instilled a fear in us that was unlike anything that I can describe. It made you fear him, but we feared the consequences of fleeing even worse. He threatend all of our family members to keep us from turning to them for help. My Mom would just take the beating, scared of what he might do to her parents, or brothers. It is not that you go way over the top when you love a person like one of the other writers said, it's that you have been conditioned. People like never let you see who they are initially, (ofcourse or you would end it before you have an attachment) Men like this are usually cowards and break at the assertion of another male. From an adult survivor of the same type of abuse, I would like to tell you to keep your head up, never look back and think that you did something wrong, find your strengths and learn to love them, uplift and elevate yoursel, give yourself credit and your self-esteem will rise! And if you have children, be thankfull your out of an abusive situation, girls usually mimick behavior whereas boys usual respond to it.

Whew! I can totally relate to all of these issues. When I was I child I lived in a domestic violence ridden home for 12 years of my life. We moved and ran several times throughout our lives to get away from my stepfather, in a desperate attempt to get away. I tell you it has made me a hardened person who does not trust very many people at all. I totally identify with you Mahogany and Kranium. After I grew up and my first real relationship I ran into someone like my stepfather. I had a son with this person and he tried to control my every movement. He didn't want me to finish college, said I would never be anything... blah, blah, blah.
This soon turned into a physical domestic violence situation. Fortunately I recognized it before I wound up getting myself into trouble legally.

My story is so much longer than this, as I am sure most of yours are. If anyone cares to Private Message me to vent or have someone hear your story without judging you. Feel free. You never know... my story just might help you. I was a child of an abused mom, was abused as a child, grew up and had a short bout with an abuser in my own relationship. I have experienced it from all angles. PM me. Seriously.:love: