I have read and heard some women say that the unseen scars always remain. If not being too personal (and if so I truly apologize), how long did it take the survivors here to recover (for lack of a better word) to be able to move on and have a healthy relationship? Or is there always issues with trust? Also do you think counseling is the key.

10 years for me back when I was 45. Then when I was 57 entered into a relationship with a guy I had known for over 20 years. That lasted 7 years and now I am 66 and don't think I will ever venture into any relationships again as I am worn out with all the hassel. Maybe if you are young you might be able to bounce back. Good luck and God bless.

I don't really think they have a time limit on when you are suppose to be healed inside, it probably varies from person to person and amount of abuse that was inflicted on them.
From where I stand right now I will probably always have issue's with trust. Heck, fast movements still have me throwing my hands up and wanting to ball up. But they say that will pass in time as I grow stronger, have no fear and understand all threats are gone in my life. I guess those are the unseen scars and I haven't even started to deal with the physical one's enough that I feel comfortable to speak in public or be seen.
Some people say that counselling is not a good thing but I think a person has to want to listen and be open to what they have to tell you after they better understand your situation and the violence you have lived and seen. Most of the time I hate counselling but my parents insist on my attending :confused: so I give them the benefit of the doubt because if I had listened to them in the beginning I wouldn't be facing what I do today.
sokie

Some women, unfortunately, linger and wallow in their victimization. Others strive hard to become survivors. You have to not only want to END the cycle of abuse you're currently in but to have a desire to move forward and upward in the future. Too many women don't do the second part and linger in their victimization for years to come...

Depends on the person, and some scars may heal but are always there, even if it is only visible to the victim. Think about it like that...

First you need to understand that you are not a flawed person and that you are not to blame for the mistreatment you have suffered.:nono: :shake:
Then fully forgive yourself for making poor choices.:dance:
Grab a book or two and educate yourself of all the warning signs of an abuser.:yes:
Gain confidence in your ability to make wise choices.:thumbsup:
Be good to yourself,pamper yourself,treat yourself as the valuable and special person you are.:grouphug:
Now you are ready to open your heart and take a chance on love!!!:heart:

Goodluck:wave:

Some women, unfortunately, linger and wallow in their victimization. Others strive hard to become survivors. You have to not only want to END the cycle of abuse you're currently in but to have a desire to move forward and upward in the future. Too many women don't do the second part and linger in their victimization for years to come...
I don't mean to offend you here meganlea but that cracked me up. You almost sounded like my last counselor who wanted to put a time limit on my grieving and show me in a textbook where I was lagging at moving on.:yes: Alot of us that have been abused want to "move forward and upward" but it has to be at our own pace and it has to be worked out and okay in our heads before we can...is that really considered "linger and wallow"? Because let me tell you, what happened to me and mine plays back in my head everynight---it doesn't just go away. sokie

I think you said it all Sokiegirl. No offense to meganlea.

Very well said Sokiegirl and no offense to you Meganlea because we all have a right to our opinion, but I think we have to choose our words carefully especially on this subject because I think everyones situation is different and how they choose to handle it is different but because one doesn't move as swift as the next does not mean that they want to stay in the madness..it is just not a cut and draw situation not matter how you look at it.

I don't mean to offend you here meganlea but that cracked me up. You almost sounded like my last counselor who wanted to put a time limit on my grieving and show me in a textbook where I was lagging at moving on.:yes: Alot of us that have been abused want to "move forward and upward" but it has to be at our own pace and it has to be worked out and okay in our heads before we can...is that really considered "linger and wallow"? Because let me tell you, what happened to me and mine plays back in my head everynight---it doesn't just go away. sokie


WOW!! The physical pain I no longer feel, but the emotional pain will be with me for the rest of my life. It's been over a year since my ex and I have been together and as much as I try not to think about him, the tapes are replayed everyday. There are all sorts of triggers that cause this to happen. Triggers that are just part of everyday life. I can't stop it from happening, it's there and probably always will be. I have moved on including relocating, new home, new friends, new car, new everything!! What more can I do? I've done everything that I can. It's a funny thing about emotional scars, you continue to feel that pain. Physical pain goes away, but how do you make the feeling of emotional pain go away? Linger and wallow, not hardly! Believe me, if I could turn back the clock or skip over the time that my ex and I were together, I would in a flash! All people feel things differently, those of us with deep feelings have a much harder time getting past it. Those who don't feel deeply, get past it quicker and just go along their way. Also, there are those who have very little feelings, they are the lucky ones, they don't suffer. As far as moving on to another relationship, for me, I doubt that is going to happen any time soon. I date, but I find myself running whenever I feel anything serious starting. I'm just not ready for that and don't know if I'll ever be. I look at it more like protection. I am protecting myself from this ever happening to me again.

I'm no longer in a violent relationship but I was for 9 years and this was 11 years ago and still today I cannot talk about without getting emotional and if I see violent behaviour in others I shake and my heart races and it basically scares me.Im not sure if councilling can help I never went down that route.so for me the physiological pain hasn't gone.

What I find amusing is the way everyone jumped all over my comment when I'm the one who works with domestic violence victims on a daily basis. I see those that *DO* linger in their victimization and don't make efforts to move forward. I see them get into continuous relationships with various offenders who continue to victimize them. They may leave an abusive relationship...but they don't make the changes within themselves to make better choices for the future.

I won't change my word choice. What I say has a lot of merit and truth. There are many victims who do just take a lot longer to heal and move forward and those aren't the victims I'm referring to. There's a huge difference.

To each his own.

I can only speak for myself. First I say again no offense intended. Second I did not say change your words your opinion is your right to voice. What I did say was we should choose our words carefully because how they come out may be hurtful even if not the intent. Once again this is just my opinion.

meganlea, no offense, but I find nothing amusing about any of this. I'm sure that we all try and make better choices, but that is very hard when you are dealing with fakes and phonies, (which I have found most to be). The problem is that when you enter into a relationship, alot of men just tell out and out lies and put on their little loving and caring shows. It is sometimes impossible to spot an abuser in the beginning of a relationship. The DV counselor at my support group, being a survivor herself, understands this. We all need to watch for the "red flags", but sometimes they aren't always so apparent. I doubt anyone goes out in search of an abuser. I certainly know I didn't, and I am certainly not looking for another one.

What I find amusing is the way everyone jumped all over my comment when I'm the one who works with domestic violence victims on a daily basis. I see those that *DO* linger in their victimization and don't make efforts to move forward. I see them get into continuous relationships with various offenders who continue to victimize them. They may leave an abusive relationship...but they don't make the changes within themselves to make better choices for the future.

I won't change my word choice. What I say has a lot of merit and truth. There are many victims who do just take a lot longer to heal and move forward and those aren't the victims I'm referring to. There's a huge difference.

To each his own.

it don't matter to me weather you work in the domestic violence field or not,it doesn't make you right.i don't think there is many women or men who want to "linger" in their misery,it just happens..if i were seeing someone in the dv field,i sure wouldn't want it to be someone who is judgemental on when i should be past my pain,maybe you should look into a different job!

it don't matter to me weather you work in the domestic violence field or not,it doesn't make you right.i don't think there is many women or men who want to "linger" in their misery,it just happens..if i were seeing someone in the dv field,i sure wouldn't want it to be someone who is judgemental on when i should be past my pain,maybe you should look into a different job!


LOL Now that I find amusing!! You go girl!

To each his own... We're ALL entitled to our own opinion but please be respectful before making comments about my employment. I'm very good at what I do. I've respected your opinions so please respect mine. Thank you.

Back to Mahogany7's question -
I was first abused in my marriage, 38 years ago. The second time was 4 years ago. The pain from both is gone. In fact, it was so gone from the first one that I got into the second one (I didn't see the similarities). It depends on distance from the event, the character of the abused person, the history, the length of time abuse went on, the severity and - absolutely - the counseling! Reading helps, too.
The time schedule? There isn't one, any more than there's a time limit on mourning the death of someone you loved.
Once the most acute pain leaves, it's a matter of finding how to live with what you've learned, to remember how to laugh without restraint, to turn off the little recorder in your head that still has you thinking about what "he" wouldn't approve of, even though you're on your own and he's in prison. It's learning to discount the negative stuff that he's planted in your head - recognizing it, seeing it for what it is, and then doing what you damn' well please.

nimuay - I think it's interesting you mention the death of someone. I've found it more and more true that the grieving process when you lose a loved one applies to SOOOO many different areas of life...the end of a relationship, an abusive situation, virtually any major negative life change, etc. The process of dealing with it, in theory, is very similar.

What I find amusing is the way everyone jumped all over my comment when I'm the one who works with domestic violence victims on a daily basis. I see those that *DO* linger in their victimization and don't make efforts to move forward. I see them get into continuous relationships with various offenders who continue to victimize them. They may leave an abusive relationship...but they don't make the changes within themselves to make better choices for the future.

I won't change my word choice. What I say has a lot of merit and truth. There are many victims who do just take a lot longer to heal and move forward and those aren't the victims I'm referring to. There's a huge difference.

To each his own.




I don't linger in my own misery either but until you have experienced near death at the hands of someone who at the time loves you,then you are in no position to critise the actions of a woman mentally and physically beaten down.Most domestic violence relationships don't start out that way its a progressive decline that you don't see,this is why these men are controlling and manipulative.So no woman would choose to enter one violent relationship after another.:angry:

have experienced near death at the hands of someone who at the time loves you,.:angry:

Did you really believe he loved you as he was killing you?
This is an impossibility to my mind.

Did you really believe he loved you as he was killing you?
This is an impossibility to my mind.


This time I really want to get ignorant!! This is just plain stupidity!!! Have you read any of these posts at all, or are you just an idiot!!! I'm not even going to bother going into any kind of explanation for this one, because obviously your comprehension abilities are very limited! Sorry Nim, but I just can't take it. Delete this post, kick me out of here if you want, whatever. This isn't an opinion, it is a blatent disregard for the feelings of these women on here who have been put through hell simply because they loved so much!! :angry:

Hey-if you're talkin' to me you are speaking to a woman who has suffered at the hands of not only abusive husbandS and lovers but also a mother ,father, and two brothers.I grew up thinking that my purpose in life was to serve as a punching bag.
Never did I think that the person punching me then kicking me then punching me again as I tried to stand then kicking my teeth out and sitting on me and strangling me or holding a knife to my throat LOVED ME!! So you did succeed in your wish to "get ignorant".

OK, time to calm down.

Breathe.

Let's try to discuss the sides of this with a little less emotion and a little more analysis.

Lovin - literally, she's correct. At that moment, you know they hate you, even if they were lovin' on you 5 minutes before.

Cakes - no need to be quite so literal. Since you've been through both parental and marital violence, you know what she meant. You stayed, assuming that there was love buried somewhere in the anger, at least in the beginning.

Now, if we can answer Mahogany, please.

i proably shouldn't add to this but my fingers are just moving...cakes you say while you were being beat and punch and all eles you didn't believe your husband loved you,well if you never believed that your "husbands" loved you why did you marry them? and for you to call lovinmenow or anyone eles in these situations ignorant when you your self said your husbandsssss abused you,well you oviously went for it more than once,and i am not saying you are ignorant,maybe just show the same respect for others in return..i just believe that all our relationships may be simular but different and noone knows exactly what happened to the other and to judge is NOT right for any of us to do,i may have possibly did some judging myself in some past posts,if so i shouldn't have,i was wrong to.i think some abuse cases are worse than others,i think some women take things more, or less, than others,it depends on the situation,person,and whatever.i know being in a simular relationship as another and then to turn around and call the person ignorant for basically going through pretty much the same thing is ignorant in its self!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by cakes
Did you really believe he loved you as he was killing you?
This is an impossibility to my mind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovinMeNow
This time I really want to get ignorant!! This is just plain stupidity!!! Have you read any of these posts at all, or are you just an idiot!!! I'm not even going to bother going into any kind of explanation for this one, because obviously your comprehension abilities are very limited! Sorry Nim, but I just can't take it. Delete this post, kick me out of here if you want, whatever. This isn't an opinion, it is a blatent disregard for the feelings of these women on here who have been put through hell simply because they loved so much!! :angry:
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Quote:
Originally Posted By Cakes

Hey-if you're talkin' to me you are speaking to a woman who has suffered at the hands of not only abusive husbandS and lovers but also a mother ,father, and two brothers.I grew up thinking that my purpose in life was to serve as a punching bag.


Never did I think that the person punching me then kicking me then punching me again as I tried to stand then kicking my teeth out and sitting on me and strangling me or holding a knife to my throat LOVED ME!! So you did succeed in your wish to "get ignorant".




LovinMeNow:
So, my conclusion was correct.

Lovin - though I'm not thrilled about any of this catfight, you're going to have to deal with it. It's not an unheard-of response, and I'm aware of a number of wealthy neighbors here where I live, who are so sure that they did it all themselves and can't understand why others aren't as full-walleted as they are. They think that anyone can do it because . . . ta-da - They did!

Cakes - if you've cycled through abusive marriages, then you know how easy it is to either stay or repeat, both (often) in hope. Sometimes in fear. It would be far more helpful if you explained how you've overcome the problem.

No further nastiness, please.

OKay, I didn't mean to offend meaganlea and if I did then I agolgize. I have my own counselors to deal with in person so I didn't mean to upset anyone on this site. I trust that you are very good at what you do and if you can get even one person to listen and walk away from domestic violence then *cheers to you*.
And I am sure if whoever doesn't like what you have to say will ask for someone else during counselling like I did...or maybe just go back to their relationship where they understand what they are facing without outside criticism. It is all in the interpretation of the victim or survivor how they understand whats being said. So please don't think I jumped all over you because it was the total opposite--I laughed.:D
I'm sorry this has turned into a "cat fight" I sure didn't mean to add to it. I hope everyone else understands that this is just one womans opinion and we all don't have 'jump' her or argue with her...we all have opinions and one doesn't mean more then another so just smile and move along like I do (and I do it everday :thumbsup:) ((hugs)) to kali, cakes, lovinmenow and blondebabe...keep your heads up girls because 1 perons opinion shouldn't effect any of us like this. sokie

P.S. I hope I didn't make you made Nim:)

When I said "never did I think they loved me" I was refering to the feelings at the time the beating was taking place.Which is what was stated in the post I was responding to.

Lovin' called herself ignorant.I felt attacked and retaliated.I apologize to the PTO community. I really hate name calling and have managed to avoid it for the nearly 3 years I have been on message boards.Looks like I have some issues reguarding this particuliar subject.

How did I overcome my life of being abused?
Hmmm......well I grew to understand that I did not deserve to be beaten and that nothing a woman can possibly do should result in violence.
For several years after 2 bad marriages and one abusive lover,all by the age of 26,I just poured my time and energy into raising my two daughters.

After I had them graduated and on their own I met a man who was the opposite of any man I had ever been attracted to and decided to give it a go.That was the fall of 89. We finially married 9/27/99 and all is good.

As for how I overcame the abusive family members ,I simlpy cut them out of my life.My father first about 30 years ago then I struggled threw family holiday's for my children up till 6 years ago when my younger brother beat me for the last time.

Educating ourselves as to why men are abusive and searching ourselves to find the reasons for the attraction to and from these types is my best advice to break the cycle.

When I read thru the posts in this thread I know that there is a lot of strength, bravery and independence from woman who have been faced with great adversity, many trials and enormous pain, but who have overcome or are on their way somehow and from the bottom of my heart I draw strength from that. I have not been a member long, but I feel really blessed to be able to have a place I can come to talk or just sit back and read your opinions. I know we come from different backgrounds and our situations are all very different, but we have one common bond we have all experienced and can relate to. So I would like to say if I offended anyone I truly apologize that was never the intent. My question was not random at all, but rather personal because I myself have gone thru situations just not ready to be open about them yet. Don't know if I'm afraid of what people will think or I just don't know, but I thank each of u for sharing your thoughts with me. Sorry if too long.

One love, Mahogany7

There isn't a day where I don't think of my abuser.

Yes broken dreams etc... it really hurts and yes poor choices, but hell I love the man and I miss him so much. We are human after all and my counsellor said that its normal to still grieve for the lost of the relationship. The emotional pain lingers on and on......

So really there is no time limit with the healing of the emotional scarring.

I cant even look at other men and I have tried.

I'd really like to move on but feel so stuck.

I look at his photos everyday and letters, if only etc....

Anyone else feel the same??

Hey Steffy! You know I do! But the more time that goes by, the easier it becomes. I no longer dwell on the good things that we had. What now stands out are all the bad times. I'm sure that we all think about "If only...." but I realize that there wasn't anything I could do to make him stay away from drugs and lead a normal, decent life. I stuck it out so long because of his "illness", which I blamed for everything. It wasn't the drugs or the drinking, it was HIM. He is an abuser. Drunk or not, high or not, he is, has alway been, and will always be, an ABUSER.

Thank you ladies! Now we're on the right track. I completely understand that this whole subject becomes hair-trigger, because we really aren't fully healed, any of us. And I very much appreciate that each of you stepped back and became productive and reflective.

Now, I'm thinking of starting a tip thread - maybe we can post our thoughts for others on how you've progressed from choosing an abuser, to healing from the abuse and everything in between. Not the horrors of the abuse itself, but the recovery process.

I mean even stuff like "I threw stuff in a suitcase and left while he was passed-out drunk" or "I called the police" or "a neighbor called the cops" to what you've felt better about through your counseling episodes or how your own thoughts have progressed.

I was sitting in counseling one day, answering questions, and my counselor finally said "you've said you don't have any particular feelings about an awful lot of things". It didn't sink in right away, but later it hit me that I really SHOULD have stronger feelings about some things. I'd gone partially numb. Now I'm working on that one. because I have a right to feel! Not just anger, but sorrow, shame, joy - I was too neutral about a whole lot of things.

Anyway, whatcha think?

I think that is a great idea nimway! I'll start, (LOL), by saying something that I said to Steffy in a pm:

One thing I've noticed about my own feelings, is when I start to think about the good moments, the pain in my heart doesn't seem to be there. I don't feel it. Sometimes for seconds, sometimes for a few minutes. This is when I'm living in my "dream". When I come down to earth, the pain in my heart returns. This experience that I have only makes me want to be with him. As time goes on I spend less time in my "dream" and more time in reality. Unfortunately, I have to focus on the reality. That's the only way to move forward. It's really something what your heart can do!

There isn't a day where I don't think of my abuser.

Yes broken dreams etc... it really hurts and yes poor choices, but hell I love the man and I miss him so much. We are human after all and my counsellor said that its normal to still grieve for the lost of the relationship. The emotional pain lingers on and on......

So really there is no time limit with the healing of the emotional scarring.

I cant even look at other men and I have tried.

I'd really like to move on but feel so stuck.

I look at his photos everyday and letters, if only etc....

Anyone else feel the same??

you know steff,when i run into photos of me and my husband,i miss alot of the things we had,i have my good days and bad days,some days i will look at a pic of him and feel hate,other days like today(having a bad missing him day)i wish we were together,my marriage had alot of good times,it wasn't a real physical abusive relationship it was more he pick on my kids through me to get a reaction and trust me he got what he wanted,i know that i will never be with him again but then again there was today and i think i would have wanted to feel his arms around me today,his protectiveness,but no i don't look at his letters and pics i do run into now and then, i actually throw all his letters away after i read them,i haven't kept any because i believe no matter how many classes he takes in prison i don;t know that he can ever change,i wish that he could,i wish that he would,i wish we could have that story book ending,but it won't happen and i really hate days like this...its normal for what your feeling maybe not for all but for others...and nimuay i think it would be a great idea for a new thread on that.....

Thats sounds like a good thread to start Nim.
Today I wrote return to sender on mail recieved from his mother instead of opening it, becoming upset and reliving everything again. I miss my baby but I don't want to go back, it hurts too much. sokie

Even though I took a few years ( and lots of counseling) for myself (and my children) before I met Rob, I still am healing, and will probably always be healing. The scars and hurt did not happen overnight and they wont dissapear overnight either.

I am a very black and white person, I will never forgive my ex-husband and I know I will never forget. This does not mean that I linger in my past and what endured, but the fear led my life for over 17 years.

I think that because it is so ingrained in us that we don't know for sure if the pain is all gone. There are things that still pop into my mind, depending on what I am doing or watching on tv or a movie. I still have those moments when I say, "Oh, my God, I totally forgot about that".

This is why I wonder if it ever really goes away, or have we just learned to cope or deal with it, while unconsiously blocking it out of our memory.

Does anyone think that the time frame you were exposed to that situation has anything to do with your "recovery" time?