Each day I keep looking for it to get easier. They say time will heal or ease the pain, my God I wish I could fast forward time to the point where it dosen't hurt so much.

I went to visit his grave yesterday and I felt better, but when I got home I received a bill from that company that flown him from the accident site to the hospital with brought a flood of emotions. It hurts so bad that sometimes I find it hard to breathe. It takes everything in me to just get up in the morning. I wake up and head the scripture for the day and pray for the pain to go away and I pray that I don't think about Keith all day. Some days I can actually go 5 minutes without thinking about him, and other days I can't seem to get him out of my mind.

Day before yesterday one of my girlfriends took me to dinner. I was sitting there eating and I saw this guy, I looked at him and he looked at me and we walked to each other and just hugged and cried. He was Keith's cellmate. He had just gotten out of prison the day before. He called me the night Keith died and wanted to know if it was true. He told me Keith was a good guy, all he ever did was read his Bible and write me.

People are always telling me about how I waited all of that time only to have him die, but I try not to look at it that way. I am just so thankful that I had him for the time I did, and I am so thankful that he made it to the halfway house. Even though he was technically still in prison, to me he was free.

When I walk into my house I see reminders of him. Even the table in the hallways reminds me of him because he always bumped into it. The other day I was in the bathroom and was going to let the window up, and I saw where he had sat a can of magic shave. I looked swept under the bed and out came his house shoes. Everything reminds me of the time we shared together.

I have to try and deal with this better. I pray all of the time and I know that God hears my prayers because sometimes instead of cryinging when I think of him I smile. He was so beautiful inside and outside and I miss him so much. I miss talking to him on the phone, I miss going to the mailbox and receiving a letter from him. I miss seeing his funny walk, I guess I just miss him period.

I go to my job each day and just go through the motions. I take care of an elderly lady who is greiving the death of her family, and she keeps telling me that it will get easier, but she has been greiving for over ten years, and I think my God how has she been able to do this. She drinks a lot and she just sits in her chair and watch television. Since I have been with her she is doing more, but since Keith's death, she seem to have regresses because of me. I try so hard to be upbeat with her, but somedays I just can't. Yesterday she called me and told me that she is counting on me to make it through because she needs me.

A month before Keith's death, my brother had a massive heart attack and a stroke. He was on the vent, for almost 2 weeks, and he survived, but he is almost a vegetable. He has no or very little memory, and I think that if Keith was left in that state, I would of took care of him, and loved him just as much. Most days I don't even have the strength to go and see my brother in the hospital. He ask for me all of the time, but he don't know I am there most of the time.

Everybody tells me that the God is walking with me through all of this, but I disagree, he is carrying me, because I am to weak to walk, he has the strength in all of this. I love God and I think if he can give up his only son to save me, then I can give up Keith because his death has definatley brought me closer to him because he is the only one that can see me through this.

You know when I started posting this I was in tears, but the more I write the less I cry. Thank you PTO for this site, and thank you the members who are reading it. I am so sorry to that I have to bring my troubles to you, but I know you are hear to listen, and thank God for you.

I was looking up one of Keith's friends to let him know what happened, and I looked on the BOP website and I found out he was deceased also. His name is Emmit Grandville, and I think he was at Butner. I was wondering if anyone here knows him or what happened to him. I know he had diabeties because I sent him some information on that while he was in jail in Mississippi.

I guess I can get up and get ready to go to take care of my little old lady, I feel so much better since this post. Thank you again for being here for me when I need it.

May God Bless all of us because we are definately dealing with something.

Menia, My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry for your loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
God Bless You!

Menia - one of the things that's hardest about these terrible moments is that we try to resist them. Resistance isn't a great way to get through; flowing with it is. Stand in the middle of a stream and it is always trying to pull your feet out from under you; float on the stream and you remain in control. So just do some deep breathing, and concentrate on where you most feel that pain. Tense it, relax it, breathe deep. Do it again. It will take you beyond the worst of it.
Peace to you for today!

Your post has truly touched me. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I don't know how you do it. You are right God is carrying you through this because when we are weak he is strong for us. Keep your faith in God and hopefully sooner than later it won't hurt as much. Like you said you smile more when you think of him and that's what you are supposed to do be thankful that you and him shared something special....Only God knows why things happen and all we can do is trust in him. You are a brave woman and I admire that, he will always be alive in your thoughts and in your heart. No one said you have to forget him just remember him with a smile on your face and he'll live forever in you. He will always be with you...have a wonderful day and never give up, God will never leave you. God bless you, I hope nothing but the best for you.

****{hugs}}} Im Soo Sorry For Your Loss. I Remember Reading Your Post When This Happened, Such A Tragedy, I Hope Things Get Better For You, I Really Do

Kia ora Menia It is such early days for you, the pain is so deep, the shock and grief so fresh........

Live day to day I say and if the days are too long and hard then live moment to moment....be gentle with yourself....as Nimuay says, allow yourself to feel and go with the flow for after all, as you say, that river is carrying you home even closer to the heart of God.

I myself found writing wonderfully therapeutic in times of grief and lonliness , you may find it helpful as well as sharing here on pto to journal or to write letters to Keith.
I know someone who wrote her loved one a letter every day for 2 years after he died until she no longer felt the need, it helped her tremendously.

I think for me,over time its not that the grief magically disappears but it changes, somehow the pain softens and all that we experience becomes a part of us , a part of our story and enriches us endlessly in such a deep, personal, spiritual way.

I am happy for you that you were blessed to have loved Keith for that time.

:) Blessings

Sending you a big cyber hug. My heart goes out to you, and I hope it won't be too long before those memories which give such pain now will soon bring you comfort and put a smile on your face. Love never dies and our loved ones live on in our hearts and minds for always. God bless.

I am so sorry for your loss, big cyber hugs! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

May God hold the both of you in His loving arms. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Patti and Linda

This morning i was sitting here with my first cup of coffee and came across this post, my coffee got cold and i cried my eyes out for u. Im so sorry for ur loss and i hop e ur doin better with it.its a hard thing to deal with w/ a loved one locked up but its a huge thing to know he wont be commin home.I feel for u and may God contiune helpin u through this. Good luck and GREAT BIG HUGE hugs go to u!!!

Thank you so much. You just don't realize how much each time you post mean to me. I love you all. Thank God you all of you.

Menia,

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost a loved one my son. Be good to yourself and like Whitebird says go with the flow and take it a day, an hour or a minute at a time. Sometimes it takes that to get thru the day. I know you waited so long for him to come home. But now he is home with the Lord and it will be just a minute for him before you see him again. It is a long and hard journey for us but we have to remember he is now happy, and always cherish that in your heart. Nothing can take away those memories or that we now know he is with the Lord.

Tigger Mom