Susanne here and it's good to know you all are out there to listen! I am in love with Tee and have been since January 1, 1999! We started as pen-pals, but things got mushy and sappy and now were in love! Hmmmm! I got into my first fight with Tee and don't really know how to react! He hasn't been calling because he doesn't want to hear me cry! I wrote a letter to him yesterday and was nice in it! Maybe that will break the ice? Help! Open for questions or comments!

Welcome to PTO Susanne!! This is a great group of people to talk to!

As for your fight w/Tee...when he calls talk to him about it. Maybe write him a letter telling him how you felt about it & how things can be done differently depending on what you 2 had fought about. The key to being w/someone in prison is communication. That is the biggest thing because you are apart so that is really the only thing you have.

Hope that helped you out a bit!

Take care!
DJ

Thank you for welcoming me to PTO! Your answer will help! Gives me somewhere to start. It wasn't really a big fight. I have a problem with his mother and she has one with me! I first met Tee in person in April 99. He told me to stay with his mother the week I would be there. Bad idea. I was nice and polite, but when someone talk trash to me and offends me (the way she can) I will talk smack back! I was talking with Tee's brother and he said his mother always favored Tee (she had 7 kids and 4 husbands). I just think she is jealous that he will be happy or something. This is the only thing we disagree about. I mean, he already told me she was crazy!!! Maybe I should just leave it (being mad at) alone and just ignore her crazy ways! I just a mean little s***! I also told him that I am getting scared and getting very cold feet about him getting out soon! It could be 8 months or 1 and a half years. Don't know for sure yet! 8 months if the legislature voted to give him and many others back the 30 days for thirty days thing.

Good to hear from ya DJ!
Susanne

Have you ever heard the saying?

"I can talk bad about my mom but you better not!"

He knows how she is but if you start talking about it to him he will get defensive.
Pick your battles wisely and this one is not wworth the pain and effort.

I have heard that saying! I guess I am looking at it wrong. If my mom treated Tee badly I would defend him and then fuss at my mom! I have been defending his name against family and friends for the time we have been together. Maybe I am more loyal than he is. I don't know, but your answer lets me know why he's mad then. I might need to quit being such a rebel. Life might be a little easier for me then. Thank you!
Susanne

So it's a mother thing huh?? Well I would still let Tee know (nicely) that the things she said/says about you bothers you. Maybe he can talk to her & tell her to calm down or let her know that things she says bothers you. It may help...
If you don't let him know now things may not be good in the "mom department" later, you know?

Keep us posted on if Tee can come home in 8 months or the later!! Hopefully it's 8!!

Yes it is! She came to Texas a few weeks ago to stay with my best buddy who is Tee's sister in law. She (mom) gave her hell too! I talked to him then and he said it is hard to defend me when he is not here! He has gotten on to her many times about this already. Anyway, I don't want to think about it anymore! I will kee you all posted! Keep your head up and be strong he always tells me! I love that man!
Susanne

~~~I also told him that I am getting scared and getting very cold feet about him getting out soon! ~~~

Well, that sure would upset the apple cart for sure. Your right, the ordeal with his mother isn't the "big deal" here, you are, with a statement like that!

Such a statement, could be viewed as a prelude to a Dear John letter.

What's that? I just don't want to get hurt. I know not to say something like that again. We have always had wonderful conversations. I was also off of my lithium also and that really messes things up. I am back on track now!!!!! I do feel like an idiot for telling him about the cold feet stuff.

HEY, EMOTIONS RUN HIGH IN THESE SITUATIONS AND I THINK EVERYONE IS A LITTLE EDGY--WHO WOULDN'T BE--THEY KEY IS TO SAY SORRY WHEN YOU UPSET EACH OTHER, ADMIT WHEN YOU ACTED LIKE AN ASS, SAY I LOVE YOU OFTEN, AND DON'T HANG UP THE PHONE ANGRY--LITTLE THINGS MEAN A LOT WHEN SOMEONE IS IN PRISON

OH, WELCOME SUSANNE! HOPE TO SEE YOU AROUND A LOT!!

HERE IS SOME ADVICE FROM A MOM.... I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG YOU HAVE KNOWN TEA, BUT MORE THAN LIKELY, IT IS NOT AS LONG AS HIS MOTHER HAS KNOWN HIM.... SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT HIM. HE BORE HIM, AND RAISED HIM AND HAS WATCHED HIM THROUGH HIS INCARCERATION.... NO, SHE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE HIM HURT ANY MORE... SHE MAY HAVE THOSE FEELINGS ABOUT YOU... THEY PROBABLY ARE NOT TRUE, BUT MOTHERS DO HAVE A PROTECTIVE INSTINCT. YOU REALLY NEED TO MAKE PEACE WITH HER.... THIS WILL SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. I ALSO AGREE WITH BRAY, WHEN YOU MAKE COMMENTS LIKE THAT, HE WOULD NATURALLY THINK YOU MEAN THEM...

DON'T EVER DO THAT UNLESS YOU REALLY DO INTEND TO GO.

LOVE YA
DONNA

Hello Sherri! As soon as I get a call I will. I can't wait to hear from him I miss his sweet (yet tough) voice!!!! I really can't wait to see him again. It has been almost 4 months. Too long! PTO is the blessing I was searching for all along. Thanks!

Donna, thanks for your view! I will make peace with her for his sake and tolerate her. But I was soooooo nice to her when I first met her and she didn't like that either. Whatever! His mother also smuggled drugs to him in prison!!!! Nice lady!

Making peace is the best way to go about things most of the time. Although you don't agree with her opinions or attitude, just don't let her see that what she says bothers you. Just do what makes you happy and try to get along for Tee's sake. He probably feels that he's stuck in the middle. He loves you both and doesn't want to be in the position of choosing or defending.

I have been married twice and have learned a lot in this arena. My fiancee's mom would have offended me even up to a couple of years ago. However, I have learned that family is family. Also, the likelihood that she will change at this stage in her life is slight. You can choose to somewhat limit your contact. I would definitely not complain to Tee, but if he asks, you can indicate you are experiencing challenges and need his help. Walking away, even if it goes against your nature of wanting to "talk smack" back isn't working. If you are spiritual at all, say a little prayer asking God to not stoop to her level. Take the high road, and trust me, he will stick up for you!!! She sounds like she has many issues, and expecting someone to be different than they truly are is a waste of energy. You be the best you can be, and she will either continue to spew venom or see that you aren't reacting to her poor behavior. It was worked for me. My former mother in law adores me, and I didn't always get along with her, and my new mother in law, while "prickly" thinks I am an angel. We most likely wouldn't have even gotten along without me making my own changes.

THAT'S TRUE KELLI- YOU CANT CHANGE ANYONE'S BEHAVIOR BUT YOUR OWN

hello suzanne
welcome to pto...

i want to add that boys - men are so protective of there moms i do not know why but they are.. I have to say that it is hard at times but you may just have to grin and bare it with this woman after all if you want to be with tee she is going to be a part of your life. Is this right? No but it is one thing you may have to do..

Susanne,

Welcome to PTO. You'll find alot of support here, & as you can see a lot of varied opinions which all have their merits. Don't worry about the not calling routine, I've played it myself, LOL. I'm sure most of the women in here have gone through it too. Us guys can really be bad sometimes. He'll come around. Remember communication is the only real thing you have till he gets out, so try & keep it open, honest, & up front as much as possible.------Ken

susanne: i must be late in welcoming you, but there are plenty of us here going through the same thing you are! welcome! you're sure to find plenty of love and support! *hugs*

Welcome Susanne,

Lots of good advice on this one--you will have to find what works for you. Adding to what Kelli said about changing your behavior (you cannot change others)--I've found that when I changed my behavior, those around me change as well. The other person now reacts to a new behavior. However, this has to come from within--you can only change if it is what you truly want to do.

Much luck during this time of great challenge--this will be a time of personal growth for you--what you do with it is up to you. I do my best to capture and focus on the positives each day.

Molly

Hi, Boy do I ever have a similar problem! His Mom never liked me from day 1 and as a result I can't stand her! But I have heard 'you can catch more flies with sugar than vinegar' so I try to be sweet despite what I am feeling. Especially while he is locked up I don't want to stress him out more than he already is. I just try to let him handle his Mom and I get involved with her as little as possible. I think you writing a letter that you were very nice in was a good idea. I try to do that too, to give him something to brighten up his day cause believe me, they have enough things in there to make their days dark.

Susanne,
I want to extend another welcome to PTO and to this forum... you have gotten a lot of great advice a lot of which I would second!!! Men and their mothers do have a special relationship.... you just have to find a way to get along with mom as well as possible.... I am sure he does feel very much in the middle.... at times he will defend you... but that will ALWAYS be his momma!!! I have to agree with the communicate, communicate, communicate theme too... on ALL issues..... You aren't wrong for saying something about "cold feet" but you do have to explain fully what you are thinking and feeling.... So that he doesn't HAVE (or doesn't have room) to speculate!!! If it is fear at being hurt or life not turning out the way it is in your dreams... tell him that, I am sure he has many of the same fears!! As long as you keep talking and writing, things will work out the way they are meant to be.....
Peace.......

Wow!!!! So many replies when I was out yesterday! Thank you all! I am have alot of work to do on myself I know! I am just getting back to reality after 11 years of horrible drug abuse. I have gotten over all the tough stuff but need a better attitude about many things! I just keep trying and I don't give up! Tee has helped me so much-he saved me from my horrible ex-husband!!!! I thank the lord Tee came along with all of his love!!! I wrote him another nice letter last night and am going to get some pretty love cards to send this weekend! I thank you all very much for your input! I will let everyone know how things with Tee progress! Have a wonderful weekend ya'll!!!
Susanne

GOOD LUCK SUSANNE..... WE WILL BE WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU..... TEE SOUNDS LIKE A VERY MATURE MAN.... HANG ON TO HIM.... BLESS YOU CHILD AND MAY GOD SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR BATTLE WITH DRUGS.... I KNOW HE WILL.....

MAMA DOES NOT SOUND LIKE SHE IS VERY RESPONSIBLE IF SHE TOOK DRUGS INTO HER SON.... DOES SHE USE THEM TOO? ANYWAY.... YOU ALL NEED TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF TEE.....

MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU

DONNA

Thank you Donna! Momma doesn't use! Tee says to me "keep your head up" and "be strong"! He is more positive than me! He's not spoiled rotten either like me!

GOD BLESS EVERYONE HERE WHO IS BEING STRONG FOR THEIR LOVED ONE!!!!

I just joined the group, my husband and I started off as pen pals I lived in North Carolina and he was up here in Illionis. We wrote for 7 months until we met in April of 97 face to face. We got married a year later and I moved to Illionis and I have no regrets, it has been a positive move and a enlighting move for me. He is 15 years younger then me, but we get along fine, don't get me wrong we argue also, it has not been all peachy keen. But I just know that he loves me no matter how others may fell about the situation. And at times I get so fed up with alot of things, but knowing that he is there and supporting me in decisions we have to make together. I had major surgery April 25th of this year, and he had flowers sent to me somehow through a family friend. Just hang in there it is all worth it all, as longs as you love one another.

Cherokee

Howdy Cherokee good to hear from you also! You had a really long way to drive to go visit for a while also! Glad your move turned out to be a good one. That is really sweet he sent you flowers, how thoughtful.