View Full Version : Why do men do this?

06-12-2007, 10:03 AM
I do not understand my man has been incarcerated for almost a year and we have been together about 3 years and now he is starting a whole of crap, thinking i am cheating on him and accusing me of all types of stuff. I am getting really annoyed with it and he is supposed to come home in August. I am truly at my wits end, what should I do, I need help?!.

06-12-2007, 10:44 AM
My husband has been gone for 5 years, every once in a while he pops off at the mouth with same load of bull. I can tell you that in my experience women who stand by their men and who remain faithful are the exception and not the rule. Your man is surrounded by men who thought their women would wait but all of a sudden are pregnant or who just stop showing up and writing, or a man answers the phone at the house, etc.

Men have different urges and needs than women do and I find, with my man at least, that he truly does not understand that after a day of work, child rearing, meal preparation, house cleaning, and laundry that I barely have the energy to climb the stairs to go to bed at night. I have absolutely no desire and no enrgy to find someone else. My heart belongs to him.

Try to understand the environment that he lives in every day and re-assure him calmly and with love and maybe even a little humor that he need not worry that you love him and him only and are waiting for him to come home to you.

If this doesn't work then unfortunately I have to bring up another possibility...does he have a guilty conscience. I have seen many times as I am sure many of us have that in relationships when one partner unjustly accuses the other of infedility that often is their own guilty conscience projecting on to their partner.

Best Wishes,

06-12-2007, 11:52 AM
Rebecca has given some good advise. I hope things work out for you. I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time of it right now.

06-12-2007, 12:55 PM
Totally normal for incarcerated men. It's happened to all of us at one time or another. I used to have to deal with my husband telling me "stats" of our chances. It gets old and you get tired of hearing about it, but the longer you stick by him, the more he will realize you are not going anywhere. It's hard on them to be seperated from us. They think (at least in my case) that there is a world full of men that are not in prison and can offer something to us that are just beating our doors down.

Just brush it aside and assure him that you are not doing anything wrong. Typical psychology doesn't work in our circumstances. It's just something that you are going to have to accept that he will think once in a while.

Like it was said, these guys are surrounded by other men that get the "dear John" letters everyday, who have families and wives and girlfriends that leave them because they can't hack the waiting.

It will be better when he gets home. If not and he can't let it go that you were going something wrong while he was gone, then you need to do some serious thinking about your relationship.

Keep your chin up and keep reassuring only have a couple months to go!

06-12-2007, 10:50 PM
Thank you for all the help, it was all very kind advice. He has cheated on me in the past we have three kids together and i have been very stupid in love, I just dont want to look like a fool again when he gets home. I dont do anything wrong after taking care of my three kids plus his daughter all day i cant even fathom doing anything else. I dont know I am just rambling on it is just good that I actually have people to talk to that understand what I am going through.

06-13-2007, 06:51 AM
I'm glad that you found us. It's hard to deal with this type of stuff and your situation is equally as hard. All of our details may not be the same, but it's the same nonetheless.

Just take it a day at a time and things will work themselves out. If not, then you have to do what you have to do. It sounds like you love him very much, and hopefully he will realize that and stop acting like a fool.

acceptin it
06-17-2007, 02:22 PM
He doesn't SEE what you do everyday, he can only go off what you tell him. Do you tell him bits and pieces, or the real deal?
My man doesn't question me but he knows if he starts thinking strange things, I want him to ask me. I want everything to be as clear as possible. I do not and have not cheated on him and I want him to know that. But, like he's said, he'll only KNOW it when he comes home. He believes me, but it's easier when you can see it yourself, ya know? So tell your man to quit trippin. Have you betrayed him in the past? Cuz if you haven't, he has no real reason to accuse you, unless he's letting the guys he's around get in his head. Tell him he'll see it for himself when he's released cuz what's done in the dark ALWAYS comes to light.

06-25-2007, 09:28 AM
WHen my husband was locked up the first time he only did 15% but he did manage to work in alot of "strange" accusations in that 6 months.
I found that by explaining my day to him(and yes it bored me to write it) let him know what we did with our time.
I also pointed out over and over in every letter that I loved him and that he should know better than to believe what people said in prison b/c, lets face it, if someone is in prison they arent making the best decisions so why would he let them influence him?
Finally I mentioned that 4 kids arent exactly "men magnets". That was my last word on the subject and when it came up again I ignored it and in the next letter he apologized and it never came up again.
Take Care, R

06-25-2007, 01:10 PM
Finally I mentioned that 4 kids arent exactly "men magnets". That was my last word on the subject and when it came up again I ignored it and in the next letter he apologized and it never came up again.
Take Care, R

I had to laugh at that one!

The accusations never really go away, they just slow down. They seem to get worse when someone he knows gets the "Dear John" letter or the phone is disconnected when they call. Then it slows again.

It's all a natural part of being apart. It's frustrating, but normal. When it continues and becomes abusive, then it's no longer normal!

06-25-2007, 02:29 PM
My man use to worry all the time that I would find someone else and he would be left all alone. He had a fear that me and his family would forget about him and "leave him to rot." I have found that I have to constantly reassure him (verbally, in the written word and by my actions of taking his calls and going to see him when I say I'm going to) that even if something were to happen between us in the future, I would always be there for him no matter what. After a while, it finally sunk in and although he still has his occassional doubts, he is much less doubtful then he was.