OK. I left him. He's in jail. I'm divorcing him. I put up with all kinds of abuse from him for years. He has beaten me, treated me like dirt, twisted our kids minds, and killed pets. He is a drug abuser who turned into the Devil.

So why is it that now that I am in counseling, I can't stand it. I can sit there an spout out a thousand true tales of horror about our marriage, but when the counselor tries to break it down for me and help me work through my feelings about it I feel this overwhelming anger AT HER? She is telling me that no one deserves to be treated like I was and I can come up with excuse after excuse for his behavior.

It's almost like defending him is in my blood. Does anyone else struggle with this? Maybe I'm just not ready for counseling.

You are ready for therapy. You do have to talk your feelings out with someone who is not related to you. A homegirl or a relative will offer you solutions based on how close they are to you. While they love us, our friends and family do not offer unbiased opinions.
You are experiencing natural feelings. And you will go through stages of feelings (denial, hurt, anger, grief, and finally acceptance). All of these stages will take time.
I think you are afraid that if you realize that you don't deserve the abuse, you will lose love for your ex. And that is a scary feeling, because sometimes the love is all that keeps you there.
But love of self is more important.
My sister and I both saw abuse growing up. We grew up to be with men who abused us emotionally, physically, and verbally. Our mother felt so bad that we went through the same thing she did.
When asked why did we stay, our response was because stayed.
I felt bad as an older sister dealing with my monster so long, I felt that I set a bad example. I followed examples of abuse set before me.
I just said that because you are a mother and I am also. And I know one thing is you love your children. And you do not want your son's disrespecting you. You don't want your daughters abused.
You can email me at [email address deleted per PTO policy - please use PMs], just let me know where I met you. I was with my abuser for 7 years. And he was in my skin like poison. We haven't been together for 2 years, and I still hurt from what he did. I was scarred very badly (mentally), but Im better off.

Hon, that anger isn't really about HER. And you're definitely ready for counseling - you don't get ready for it.
Notice what happens to you when you start to get that need to defend him. Notice what muscles start to tighten, what mental walls go up. Then take a deep breath and allow all that to pass. Maybe a series of deep breaths. Stop defending. The rock does not defend itself against the river, it just stays there and the river flows around it.
Most of the time, I've found out that the anger is from defending myself, really. I have to defend my own choices, why I made them and how I did, to stay the same person I've always been. I've invested lots of time and energy into becoming who I am, and instinctively I MUST defend it. That doesn't make it right to do, so when I finally realize what I'm doing, I have to stop defending and just allow. Allow. Allow. With softness, without a single muscle in my body clenched, without my breath suddenly being held. Without my eyebrows knotting themselves together, without that tension deep in the abdomen. Flowing like the river.

Sounds pretty silly when I put it all out like that, but it's what I do.

Nimuay, you are truly an angel and thank you for taking the time to care. I'm hanging in there and I keep praying.

And Hny, thanks to you to. PM me anytime.:)

I thought I already replied to this, I must have hit preview:)
I too become very angry in counseling. I went to a one on one meeting this morning and came out worst then when I went in. I cried alot, had bloodshot eyes all afternoon and was stuck bewtween hurting in my heart and just angry. They tell me as time goes on I will become easier and maybe more able to adapt to what they are trying to make me see. I understand right now that my parents are trying to look out for me and they believe these meetings will help me. What it comes down to is as long as I am home with them they will continue to make me seek help. But they way I see it is I cannot keep going on like I feel so I have to do whatever it takes to try to become healthy inside and out again. I guess I just came to tell you that you aren't alone and I have outburst of rage when feeling cornered in counseling. sokie

I haven't received counseling and I don't know if I need it or not?! So I don't know how you feel...but I do know that anytime someone says something about what JP done to me or if they say something negative about him...I am quick to defend and tell them not to say bad things about him. I assume that's because I still love him. My family says that if I go back to him and continue to have contact with him, then they will try to take my 4 year old away from me and they won't have anything to do with me...but deep down, I don't wanna let him go!! okay...i'm off the subject...i don't get mad at a counselor b/c I never thought if I would need one or not...but I do defend him and his actions all the time!!

i went through something similiar.when i first went to DV,i was okay as long as we were discussing me and how i prevailed the violence,how to move on,etc.etc.however,when it came time to discuss how he misused and abused me i got defensive.more than once.i guess i figured that since i was doing what was necessary i didnt have to open up the wounds-WRONG.i had to open up the wound to allow it to heal THE RIGHT WAY.it took a lot of courage for me to hear that i was a victim and didnt acknowledge it,and to hear that i didnt have to stay but i did(for whatever reason), and to hear that i did the best i could while there but it left my ladies scarred.all those things hurt like the devil.and i got so mad!!however,when i stopped fighting the truth and let myself hear the things about him that were true i began to heal.and my ladies are healing also.we have been thru so much and we will never forget but we are TOGETHER.that is all that matters. i should have never gotten mad at my DV-i should have gotten mad at my abuser.but i didnt until aftert the fact.
you will be okay love just tread slowly and give yourself time to adjust .

Ladies, I'm interested in the fact that you are all so involved in still talking about the abuse itself. My counselor, after doing the usual checklist of abuse and a danger asssessment, went to a slightly different target. She started working on the holes that would allow me to accept abuse. During that she had some role-playing games that asked me to be my own mother . . .now THAT was uncomfortable. . .had me all curled up in a chair holding a teddy bear saying that no, I didn't think I wanted to find an ability to be like that inside me. Now, two years later, I think I would be able to do it, but it took quite a while to accept that I could find that inside. Hated her that much.

<overwhelming anger AT HER>
It would be good for you to share this reaction and your feelings with your therapist so she can help you understand why you feel this way. As others said, I am pretty sure this is normal. Good luck as you move on with your life.

Lattelady

I haven't received counseling and I don't know if I need it or not?! So I don't know how you feel...but I do know that anytime someone says something about what JP done to me or if they say something negative about him...I am quick to defend and tell them not to say bad things about him. I assume that's because I still love him. My family says that if I go back to him and continue to have contact with him, then they will try to take my 4 year old away from me and they won't have anything to do with me...but deep down, I don't wanna let him go!! okay...i'm off the subject...i don't get mad at a counselor b/c I never thought if I would need one or not...but I do defend him and his actions all the time!!I don't know your situation but I can tell you that you should check out counseling if people are directing you that way. You not only have yourself to think about but a 4 year old counting on you- don't take that for granted. sokie

I wasn't angry at my counselor....but I could talk circles around her. At times I think I was having conversations with myself. I have always been good at saying what people want to hear. But yes I found myself breaking down crying hysterically at times. And I was able to piece back the cycle of abuse to my childhood and had that woman looking at me like if you could figure this out then why were you with him so long. Then again....I was divorced from him for 3 years before I actually sought out counseling. Who knows. I just know that when they gave me that wheel with all the types of abuse and he was EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM from physical, to sexual, economically and so on I realized that i made the right choice because I didn't even know half of those things were abuse. I also realized that a lot more of my exes were abusive but I was too young and wild to realize it.

Please stick with it stilllovingjoe....it works wonders. If it does nothing else...at least get it off of your chest. You deserve that much. But as the sessions go on a lot will dawn on you and you will realize so much about the situation as well as yourself.

JPs_Gurl - If you go to counseling, you might be able to learn a little about "traumatic bonding", which might help you make sense of why you behave as you do. Or google it. Try "Stockholm Syndrome" too.
When you're willing to risk the loss of your child, when you're willing to expose that child to an abusive relationship (and the really bad news here is that 65% of men who abuse women will end up abusing the children, too) then you KNOW you're in a psychologically unhealthy situation. He has done nothing positive enough to be worth more than your child. Right? You know the answer. So get some help to straighten your feellings out. Not saying it won't hurt, but it's possible, and it's the healthy way to go.

huh