Hi, I'm new to this site. I am a victim of domestic violence. I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years. We have separated 5 times since 2001 and I have had a domestic violence order or an order for protection 4 of those 5 times. I don't want to go into all the details of the things he has done to me. What I do need is some friends who have been through all this too. Currently he is in jail in SC awaiting trial on kidnapping charges. We are originally from NC and there I had to go before the magistrate and press charges against him. Here in SC it did not work that way. He was strung out on meth (again) and became very jealous and violent. He came to my work (I am a nurse.) and when I went outside to take him some money he grabbed me around my throat and told me he was taking me home to kill himself in front of the kids so they would know it was my fault. I fought him and about a mile down the road I managed to get loose and get out of the truck. There was a police officer about 3 cars behind us and he picked me up. My husband managed to get home to our kids. Two girls ages 7 and 9. He wouldn't let anyone in, not even the police. I was so scared. The police got inside and my girls were safe. Thank God. They took my husband to the hospital for a pysch eval and the next day he was arrested and charged with CDV and kidnapping. The state pressed those charges and I know he deserved them.
I got and order for protection. He has been in jail almost 8 weeks now. They convicted him on the CDV and sentenced him to a batterer's treatment program. He had a preliminary hearing and was bound over to circuit court on the kidnapping charge. There's no court date that I know of. He has been denied bond twice.
Can someone out there help me understand why I care what happens to him?
I have sent him money twice. I have let my kids write him. He doesn't write them back. They cry for their Daddy. I check on his mother and I've given her money too. He doesn't write her either. I am so scared of him and tired of being used and hurt, so why can't I just walk away?

Welcome, Still!
Explaining it is sort of a long thing to do, but I'll give you a couple of suggestions.
One - you've been together a long time, and have kids together.
Two - he fits some pattern you are used to, probably from childhood.
Three - he may actually have been a nice person without the drugs and so you just keep hoping.
Four - you don't believe that everything is lost
Five - you are addicted to him.
Six - you are financially/emotionally dependent on him.

There are a whole lot of other reasons, but those stand out.

Get a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.
Read a lot more in this forum - we've all been through it, and we've all managed to get out, but not without sorrow and scars.

After you read the book (and if you can't afford it or find it in the library, then let me know), then you'll start to understand the mechanics of the whole thing. And your hope will begin to die. . . but that's a good thing.
Contact your local domestic abuse agency - there's a list at the top of the forum that may have some numbers that work for you, or check the info on this address: http://www.handsonhealth-sc.org/golocal/golocal.php?nid=514&county_id=43
Keep coming back - we're always here, and we've always got arms to hold you when you feel too weak to stand on your own.

Thank you.

Well said nimuay.

Yes my man abused me too and I still care about him and he I have a protective order on him. He is facing 9 felonys in State jail.

He even writes me from jail too.

I tried to end it by sending him a Dear John letter which I did. Then felt guilty and sent him a love letter too.

We are hooked by their ways thats why we cant leave them.

Go for help to understand why we stay when we should have left long ago. You will find the strength from inside your self. It is there it just does not want to come out yet cause it was been hidden for so long. You are a Nurse you are a healer and helper not one to turn your back on people when you think that you can help them but NO One can help someone that does not want to be helped.
Hang in there and we are here for you.

Like nimuay said, buy the book, "Why does he do that". It will explain exactly what has happened and you may be able to see clearly why you stay. In my case, I couldn't figure it out either. I thought I loved him so much that I just couldn't stay away. We were always broken up do to physical violence, and I was busy blaming the drugs (crack). I truly believed that this was the cause of his hatred and violence towards me. He convinced me of this, with all of his crying and begging , and telling me that he was a really good person and just needed me to help him. He would beg me not to abandon him, that he would die without me. He told me constantly how much he loved me, (when he wasn't being abusive and calling me filthy names). I was so weak and would always break down and go back, even when I told myself I didn't want to. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to leave for good. The odd thing was that I thought about him constantly and cried and wanted to be with him. I didn't understand how I could still love a man who treated me so horribly. In reading the book and attending a
dv support group I finally realized that, in my case, it was called Traumatic Bonding. Our entire relationship was filled with traumatic events, the majority caused by him, and this is what the bond was with him. What I didn't realize though is that these types of men know exactly what they are doing! He knew that all of this drama was only strengthening the ties that I had with him. Which is what he needed to do to keep me. The more intense our life became, the stronger the ties became. It explained it all. When I realized that this was the hold that he had on me, I was suddenly filled with resentment. For a man to do this to me, someone who loved him and gave and gave, to treat me this way just so he could use me. What a horrible person I was with! I no longer feel any love for him, only contempt. I see him for what he is. He has lived his whole life using and abusing women. Men like this NEVER CHANGE. They see nothing wrong with what they do. They have no conscience They are pro's at sucking us in and bleeding us dry. Financially, emotionally, and however else they can to use us. And believe me, if someone better comes their way, prettier, more money, more benefits, they are GONE! THEIR CYCLE BEGINS ONCE AGAIN WITH THEIR NEXT VICTIM! Buy the book and READ, READ, READ! You will find yourself in there.

I am so glad I found this site. Much love to all of you.

Welcome to you, Still!
If we knew why we stayed with, or still cared about our abuser, we could've avoided the pain we've been through.
Thank God your children didn't have to witness any further trauma than they did already. (And you too!)
You will find alot of help, support and love here from people who have been through it, or who just are compassionate people who want to help.
Go with the advise you've gotten so far and try to find that book.
The longest and most difficult journey always begins with one step forward. You are already on your way.
God bless!

It may take awhile for the pain to go away, you have had a life together and you will care and right now you are hurting for your children, his mother and yourself. I too am the victim of violence done in front of our 6 year old. I have taken him back on 2 separate occasions, but this time no way would I do it. I finally have peace in my household. While he is in jail, take the time to think about your life and the life of your children, what it was like when he was there and what is like now. If you have had a protective order that many times, then it is time to get out. Continue to let your kids write him, whether he writes back or not is something he has to deal with. It may get tough at times but remember having peace in your life is worth letting go. This site is wonderful and there are people out there that care. Get some counseling for yourself and the children. Concentrate on what's best for you and your family. Continue to check on his mother, who know's what kind of pain she is feeling, knowing what her son has done.

Honey, give Him over to God. Ask God to take him from you to take care of him. attend domestic violence counseling. You will get much needed support and love and understanding. Take care of you first and foremost!!

From what Im reading, you are used to being used... you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Being a FORMER abused wife (not with Lamont, he's above that) I had no self love or esteem. It took years of thearapy and support... and the courts made me go because my kids were taken away from me because he started beating on them, as well as myself. I was scared to do anything, making decisions that cost me my children's self esteem. Once I captured and kept the fact that "God has betta for me than this... and for my kids, too", I was on the next thing smoking out of that relationship. Understand something and understand it well-it wasn't easy... but now... it has proven to be worth it! It's time for a change... you have ALWAYS deserved it! :yay: :yay: :yay: :clap: :clap: :clap: :love: :love: :new: :new: :new:

Still - I have been in your shoes before. I grew up with an abusive father and then my youngest sons father was horrible to me. I was addicted to him. Finally I reached the point where I knew there was nothing I could do to change him. He did not care about me or our son that was about to be born. He constinly put my life and our sons life in danger. That was it. I decided to get some help and seeked an organization that helped battered women. It was the most amazing thing and help so much. They explained to me that there was a study done (this is not nice) but, a dog was kept in a cage and whenever the dog came out to eat, the dog was beaten. Eventually the dog would not come out and starved to death. This is the mentality of women that are abused. They would rather starve themselves from what is good for us. I want to encourage anyone to take this seriously - the abuser will not change - you have to. You have to take responsiblity for your life and especially your children, or you are just as bad as the abuser. I don't say this to be mean, I know from first hand. Seek God in all this and get some help for YOU!

Well I guess I stopped in here tonight to give you my opinion about taking responsibility and being just as bad as the abuser.....
I am guessing that MrsCheryl has had some time out of the situation and maybe someone to help her see her way out. What I am about to type please forgive me. But when I was living it, I seriously doubt my husband would have stepped back if I had told him I was taking responsibility and moving my own way. Hell I was scared to go to the quick-mart for a coke without the okay.:confused:
I was not raised with violence and was shell shocked from the first blackeye. I was taught real quick what my limits were and I didn't cross that line because I was already fighting because of the things he made up in his head. I guess I was more like that "dog in a cage" that I read about. I have the mentality of a dog? Geeze.
I supose every story is different and every story the same in a way but I don't believe anyone has the right to say someone being abused is just as bad as the one abusing them. No one knows the fears we have lived and no one knows the loses we have taken--each person has been threw their own level of hell and I think its sad that someone should pass judgement on another without knowing exactly what they have been threw. Maybe someone else is stronger but who are they to say we are weak? I say be happy with yourself and help the next without making them feel worst then they already do. sokie

NO, the person being abused is not even near as bad as the abuser. This is so misunderstood. It's a lie. Don't believe it. Why is the person being abused always put down? there are many reasons women stay, but mainly it's for love and hope that he will overcome this problem. the woman needs to be built up, not down, or blamed in any way!! It's a difficult and confusing thing for a woman going through this. She needs lots of support and zero blame!! She has absolutely nothing to do with him doing this! She's just there loving him. but she does need to find the courage to seek out help, cuz when she does, this is when she will gain more strength to do for herself and her children. A support system is crucial!! she can get this at a domestic violence center. Do not stay isolated and not tell anyone for fear of him. Reach out and let someone help you! It may save your life and those of your children!

U can, the fact that you've been married to this man for quit a while is the attachment but the fact that love is hurting you and it's not suspose to and you have kids the kids don't need to see that it damages them in the long run and I'm pretty sure you don't won't no psyc. kids so let it go boo it's hard but after you get to thinking of it all it will come to be not so hard GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!:)
Hi, I'm new to this site. I am a victim of domestic violence. I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years. We have separated 5 times since 2001 and I have had a domestic violence order or an order for protection 4 of those 5 times. I don't want to go into all the details of the things he has done to me. What I do need is some friends who have been through all this too. Currently he is in jail in SC awaiting trial on kidnapping charges. We are originally from NC and there I had to go before the magistrate and press charges against him. Here in SC it did not work that way. He was strung out on meth (again) and became very jealous and violent. He came to my work (I am a nurse.) and when I went outside to take him some money he grabbed me around my throat and told me he was taking me home to kill himself in front of the kids so they would know it was my fault. I fought him and about a mile down the road I managed to get loose and get out of the truck. There was a police officer about 3 cars behind us and he picked me up. My husband managed to get home to our kids. Two girls ages 7 and 9. He wouldn't let anyone in, not even the police. I was so scared. The police got inside and my girls were safe. Thank God. They took my husband to the hospital for a pysch eval and the next day he was arrested and charged with CDV and kidnapping. The state pressed those charges and I know he deserved them.
I got and order for protection. He has been in jail almost 8 weeks now. They convicted him on the CDV and sentenced him to a batterer's treatment program. He had a preliminary hearing and was bound over to circuit court on the kidnapping charge. There's no court date that I know of. He has been denied bond twice.
Can someone out there help me understand why I care what happens to him?
I have sent him money twice. I have let my kids write him. He doesn't write them back. They cry for their Daddy. I check on his mother and I've given her money too. He doesn't write her either. I am so scared of him and tired of being used and hurt, so why can't I just walk away?

move over girls, count me in...im a victim of DV too.
Nim had great advice and im gonna get that book too,Still.
Its been awhile since ive been in a abusive(physical) relationship, but have been abused emotionally by others.
I do not want to choose another abusive relationship again. i want to break the cycle and grow, be who i was meant to be,not anothers blueprints.
Still, i hope you keep checking in and let us know whats going on with you. We can certainly learn alot from each other. Your experience can be a big help to others.