In a very unexpected twist of fate, it is starting to look like I could, if I choose to, pack up and relocate to the Kansas City/Leavenworth area, to be closer to Dan (these 700 mile, two and three day round trips are killing me).

I see BIG marks in both the "do it" and "don't do it" columns.

So.. would you? Have you? Will you please share your take on it? My head is kind of spinning right now.

I would if it was me and he was the love of my life and then you could see him every weekend. We even considered renting an apartment near the prison where my son is at, just to have a place everytime we went, but in the end we decided just to visit every few months because we didn't have enough time to go that often.

I never did, even when my husband was 1,000 miles away for years. Because I have a job I like and I live in a community with people who are supportive of me. I didn't want to live in a town full of folks who work at the prisons and the adjacent military base. In addition, I have seen how the locals who visit at the prison are treated by the prison staff - I think they are treated more harshly and staff tries to discourage them from visiting. With the BOP, they can move inmates around on their whim and they do. So I always figured I could relocate and then have to relocate again and again. No good for my child to have to change schools - it really interrupts their educational progress. And, finally, I have seen women who live in the town where their guy's prison is located go through some weird things, as a result of actions of guards who live there also. I'm not sure I'd feel completely safe - if it was a small community. So, those are my feelings about it and why I never moved. I just worked and worked to get my husband moved closer to me and I still don't live in the same town as the prison and wouldn't want to. Z.

I didn't move when my husband was over 300 miles away - some may think that's relatively close, but to us it was torture. I rarely got a chance to visit when he was so far away.

My reasons for not moving: my job was steady, the children were happy with their schools & friends, fear of starting over again, etc.

I also worried that they would move him to another prison & I'd be stuck in a community where I didn't really want to be. Oddly enough...we did move after he was released & then he was revoked. He's much closer now & we visit as often as possible...but it seems like my worst fears came true this time around & it has all worked out for the best. I wouldn't have moved just for him, but it seems weird that it worked out like it did.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

Here are some of my "checkmarks" in the two columns...

Under the "Don't Do It" Column:

The fact that he could be transferred at any time -- am I prepared to "follow camp" all over the country for the next four years if need be?

My parents are in their 70s, and not in good health.

I know me well enough to know that I'd risk becoming a terrible hermit in a strange town.

My "support system" is thin, and getting thinner every day, but it's here.

Dan's grandchildren are here, and I am "MeMaw Stacy" -- will they lose their connection with "PePaw" if I leave?

Now there are some of the above points made, especially just the general thoughts about living as a "prison wife" in a Prison Town.

In the "Do It" Column:

My kids are grown and doing their own things now.

I don't have a job here, and getting one now will be tough because (see the next item below)...

Dan was once somewhat of a "big fish in this small pond," so his guilty plea and sentence made quite the media splash. And though it's very unfair, I'm seen as "guilty by association" by a good chunk of this town, because I won't renounce him.

The expenses for the visitation trips are already becoming too much of a financial strain, pure and simple. The money is gone, and I just can't afford it any more. Yet NOT visiting is such a painful prospect, I can't even go there right now...

The thought of being able to just decide to go over and visit him for an hour or two, without much more thought and planning than it would take to meet him at the office for lunch, as opposed to the life-stopping ordeal it is now... I can't imagine how much stress and strain that would remove from this situation!

The highway goes in both directions -- I can always come home. The move doesn't have to be permanent.

************************

Edited to add: This could go in either column, because I know it's purely emotional, and that is a bad state for me to make major decisions in. But the fact is, I'm down-to-the-bone frightened for him. Like, can't sleep, can't quiet my thoughts -type frightened, becuase of his age, his medical history, and things I've discovered about how FPC Leavenworth handles such things. As much as I don't want to voice it... the fact is, I truly believe deep down that there's a far better-than-average chance that he's going to die there. And the only thing I can think to do about that is just be there. Be closer, see him more, touch him more... just be there more. Y'know?

There... I've actually typed it out loud.

Dan's always, I do not envy your dilemma, it's a tough one. My biggest concern would be their tendency to move folks around at will and the fact that you have no guarantees that this move would accomplish what you want. I was thinking that it was a bad idea .... and then I read your last addition. If I truly believed that my husband was in harm's way due to his health or age, I would be tempted to do what ever I could to be close. Good luck with this decision. Please continue to weigh it out and express it here.

My husbands gone for a long time, if I could visit him, which I can't at the moment because I am on probation for the next year and IF my daughter was out of high school and safely put into the college of her choice then and only then would I move. I can get a job anywhere and if I am only supporting me then it won't take much! My kids know that i can come and visit them the same as I could go and visit him in the prison, the fact is I need him in my life to be whole. The kids are pretty much grown and on their own with the exception of my daughter for a few more years. If he was only going to be gone for a few years, then maybe I wouldn't move but that isn't the case, we are looking at the year 2027 so my thought is that if I can move eventually and set up visiting at least every 2 weeks it could keep our relationship strong. Only my thoughts and glad that I have others to listen too and learn from, who knows by the time I can actually think about moving I may be much stronger and realize that I need to stay put and settle for as many visits in a year that I can.

It is a tough dilemma. I am far away from my ailing mother and I find that very difficult - more difficult than when I was far away from my incarcerated husband. And as for his medical treatment, etc. - you are not going to be able to do anything more about that living next door to the prison than living across the country, except for being able to see him more often and lift his spirits - which counts for a lot too. Maybe some others have more insights. Then let it "simmer" a bit and I think the answer will become clear to you. My main advice though is "do not make any decisions based upon fear. Fear of staying OR fear of moving."

I have had mixed emotions about this too. I travel 9 hours roundtrip each weekend to visit my hubby. I was thinking about moving, but if the Lord says the same, he will be home at the end of February 2008. Do you think 9 months left is worth moving?

No - I don't think nine months is worth moving. And, in addition, if he is being released to live with you, is he really going to want to live in the same town as the prison he was just in?

I was gonna move back after his release. We would still have our home here. I am just being silly. But oh how I would love to be closer. I will continue to count my blessings and not my problems.:)

Dan's Always: how about approaching the move in a creative way? If you don't have the responsibility of a home, why not put your stuff in storage? Moving is much easier if you go without a lot of stuff. Take a gig as a night companion for a senior or professional that includes housing, and eliminates the expense of utilities etc. I have several friends with large homes and lots of demands who have rent and chores/errands exchanges. There are other gigs that include housing and there are cheap housing alternatives, but if you don't have 1st and last month responsibilities, things are a lot easier. Think about ways to make the transition on the cheap and still allow you a decent style of living. I don't know how old you are, but maybe there is a skill you have been meaning to develop. you could use this time to do that, and personally, i think going to a new environment sounds like a welcome break from all these creeps who haven't stuck by Dan.

If you are a member of a church, connecting with a minister of a large church is one easy way to get established in a community quickly. you could also do temp work during the day or get an internet job, which are plentiful these days and can be done from anywhere. Some national groups have local chapters that help make connections. BEng lonely/isolated is a concern, so find a community service project that you "have always been meaning to do" and get involved. Contributing is a great way to get back while giving. Think about what your needs are and what alternatives besides the typical way that you could meet your needs. If you had a low responsibility type of job, you could easily get back to see your parents during the week, without the demands of BOP visitation. It sounds like there are still family members in the community to respond to family emergencies and why not let them take up the slack. You could always try something like this for a short while and see how it works. Rather you go or not the BOP could always move him, so why not go and see him on a regular basis for a while without all the pressure and expense. You left something important off the go list: that it is hell without him.

The fact that Dan unforutantely chose a lot of people who have joined the "kick him while he is down" club seems to make the move all the more attractive. Why not try it for 6 months, it doesn't seem like you have that much to lose, since your main support group is family, and they will always be family. if you go now,while your parents are somewhat healthy, you can always come back if things get difficult.

What a decision! Of course, you already decided what to do... :( yeah, that was for absolutely nothing... you have more for the move than against it... make certain God's directing you... we can sit here and tell you whatever, but if you are being moved by your emotions, they will trip you up everytime! Ask God what to do... He's always right! :D

Hugs to you, Dan's Always. Because of what you wrote in your edit and the stress that would be released to be able to just driver over and visit, maybe it's the right choice. My honey is at the camp in Leavenworth too, so a double hard hug to you with our little connection.

I was in your shoes last yr, my baby is in fci el reno OKC.. I am in wichita KS yeah its not far like some of you, 2 hrs. but to those of us dearling missing our loved ones distance is not our biggest problem its the damn iron bars!!
i have 6 children 3 grown, and 3 small 5 7 8. Quincy and i have talked about us moving to el reno or OKC as so the phone is cheaper, and not so far for me to drive to see him, i thought it was a good idea, id be able to see him almost everyday.. :) we are now 6 months from him comming home!
best I can say is... fallow your heart.:thumbsup: and trust in God

My man is in Pa, Im in Ohio and Im moving July 2008 to Buffalo,NY to be closer to him!

I would but its not a realistic proposition for me. I've got a two young boys in school here and one with special needs so its vital to his development as a person to stick put for him alone. Believe me I'd LOVE to move away from this big city life, I HATE it! but I do it because of the advanatages it gives my youngest son. and My Hubby moves around too much, they have moved him to and from 4 different facilities in the last two months, so my moving would be never ending task, so sticking put til the bid is done is our plan....

BUT for you, I'd move. I'd get away from the town where you are looked down upon and go find a better place, a better way of life....I know what its like to be a big fish in a small pond and I left it, I miss the small pond but I stay here for reasons above....If you know yours won't get transferred alot, then by all means move, and find a new way of life for yourself...you sound so horribly miserable and i can feel your pain through your post...and I feel for you, truly I do....See I left the pond to leave the madness that consumed it behind and to show all the nay sayers that they could shove it and were wrong about me.....sounds like what you need to do too....go look online for a job in a community where you'd like to move, then find an apartment with a move in special, load what you can and go.......Best of Luck to you and Your New Adventure.....RedNeck

a better place. a change is good. I decided my move would be greatly influenced and it seems like the right thing to do. I am miserable not being close to my man. 3 hours may seem like nothing but if there is a way I can be closer then Im going to make it happen! I HATE it in Ohio, its so drab, boring and not a whole lot of support going on so thats how I know its time to make that move!

Oh what a dilemma, and I have been there. I waited 7 years to consider the move until our daughter was grown. Now she is and on her own. So I plan to move from Las Vegas to the East Coast last year - and what happens? Three weeks before the move he is transferred in the middle of the night with no warning... 6 months later and 4 moves - he ends up in Lompoc.. so I plan to move there, a nice town, west coast - no snow... and what happens? Three weeks before I move - he is taken out in the middle of the night and now is in Taft. So... we have 5 more years.. How many moves can the BOP do in the time?... just about everywhere. So now we have decided I will just stay here, and he is now only 300 miles away instead of the 3,000 miles for 7 years. If we only had 9 months to go - I'd be doing whatever I could to make a nice home for him to come home to as far away as possible as all of those horrible memories.. just a thought to consider - good luck, there are lots of us out here in the same position.

I went from being a little over 4 hours away to about 2 hours away. I work in the medical field so it is fairly easy to find a good job anywhere I go. I was fortunate as well because I now live closer to my family then I did before. They live about an hour from the prison. So I am able to go visit him and then stay all night at their place and spend time with my folks.
I doubt seriously though that I would move out of the area I am in now if he were transfered.

My husband has been in the county jail for about 8 months but he will be getting transfered in the next few weeks to a federal prison. When he does I am renting our house out and moving asap. I have to be near my husband.

Alot of what you guys have said has hit home with me. I could move to be closer, save money, visit more often, ect. Then again, I have a disabled teen, I have another child who's 5 years younger, money is tight and I have few skills, he would get moved the day I moved out of my house, blah, blah, blah. I am staying where I am at. UNLESS he cannot get transferred closer to me under any circumstances. Then, when the kids are older, and I am more financially stable with the skills thing, I will break down and move.

I'm currently 200 miles away from my fiancee (3.5 hour drive). Based on the fact that the BOP could move him whenever they wished and for no reason at anytime, I would not move to be closer.

I moved from NY to PA to be closer to him and i'll do it again...:)

I'm currently 200 miles away from my fiancee (3.5 hour drive). Based on the fact that the BOP could move him whenever they wished and for no reason at anytime, I would not move to be closer.
yea, they move them whenever they want. And, I live over 850 miles from my guy. That is a long way. It is tempting, when I hear about the women who are able to visit their man almost daily, weekly, whatever. I hope mine can get transferred closer to me.

I did move and I wouldnt ever do it again...its been a nitemare...We are more distant now than ever. Sometimes the move isnt the wisest choice.

it is definitely your choice. but it is a choice you need to review with him and see where he is at. pray first and wait for God to speak to your heart.

In a very unexpected twist of fate, it is starting to look like I could, if I choose to, pack up and relocate to the Kansas City/Leavenworth area, to be closer to Dan (these 700 mile, two and three day round trips are killing me).

I see BIG marks in both the "do it" and "don't do it" columns.

So.. would you? Have you? Will you please share your take on it? My head is kind of spinning right now.

My house is currently for sale I'm packed the kids are picked and we are willing to move to where ever they transfer him to. We wont know where he goes until a week or two from now but durung the summer I'll be where ever he is. Plus anywhere is cheaper than south florida!

Good luck, Broken! What an exciting time for you and the kids. I hope your move goes smoothly.

I moved from WA State to CA when my ex-husband and I were getting reacquainted. It was really good for our daughter, who was 12 at the time. She got to see her dad every weekend, and they were able to do some bonding that living 600 miles away didn't make possible.

Every person and situation is different - So I say do what your heart tells you to, and if that means moving to be nearer your loved one then make it work for you.

I came very close to moving closer to Clyde but I landed a job that I had once before, and when I landed that job I ask God what am I to do, stay here or move. He showed me that I was to stay here. Plus Clyde told me to stay here too because he would be coming home to me, and he doesn't want to be anywhere close to Huntsville. :D So I am still in Longview.

well... i am planning on moving..

He is still waiting to be sentanced tho...
He is an illegal on mexico so the lawyer said he will most likely be transfered to a prison in TX...
Now, the only thing i am worried about is... will they transfer him all around the country if they are just going to send him back to mexico when his sentance is over?

im from wi... so moving to tx is going to be a HUGE change.. His oldest daughter and I both would like to be close to him so we can visit.. and when he is out we will be moving to Mexico.

No, I wouldn't move. Like others have mentioned you may be moving again and again. I would rather just sit tight and see him from time to time. He will be home soon so we'll just keep doing what we're doing now.

I am moving closer to my man. Actually, it just happened to work out that way. I got a job offer and one of the things that was in the "pros" category was that I would only be three hours away from him (instead of all the way across the country). However, if he were to be transfered, or when he is released to a HWH, I won't be moving again to be close to him.

Ny decision was made the moment that he was told he had a federal detainer. So though we are still going through the process, if he were to receive a sentence.......my youngest has two years to go until she leaves for college........at that point, I go to where he is. Both of us are getting up there in age, he is in his mid fifties and I in my late forties, both have health issues, there is a 30 year history for us. I refuse to be far from him no matter where that takes me. I have skills.....I can find a job........I also have no fear of any area that will keep me closer to him, and a very positive attitude. I also believe with every fiber in me, that we are not meant to be far apart.

I am in OH for 5 days of visits and I am also job/daycare/apartment hunting. It has been 2 1/2 months since his ss. I can't wait to move out here. Our first visit was amazing and tonight I got to see him for the second time. I have already found a job and a daycare. Tomorrow I start looking at apartments. Right now I am living in Vermont and he is in Ohio. It took me 12 hours to get here. Then when he is sent to the HWH it will be back in VT and I will be moving again. Both of our families are there and will be counting down the days until we both come home. I told him as soon as it looked like he was doing time that I would move where ever he ended up so that I could visit.

Dan Always,
I have thought about this already myself, But what if they move him from one destination to another after I move to where he is... I'd be in a strange town, no family and friends. But it has crossed my mind. I dont even know where my guys going yet hes still being held in county jail...I'll be interested in what you do.... Keep us posted.. and God Speed to you...

I wanted to early on in our relationship and Mr. was like NO, cause if i get transfered from here you will not be pissed at me that Im gone. So glad he made it plain cause now he is 8 hours away:blah:.

Not a chance. I ended up moving from the tri-state area to the south for work about 8 months into his sentence. Soon after, he moved to IN, then to PA. I have a fantastic job and I would not give that up to move back and forth cross country depending on his location. Recently, he asked me if I would have moved to another state(!!!) with him if things had not happened the way they did. I told him, "Hell no." One of us has to hold it down and he can't. Such is life!

We moved once to be closer to my father, but they moved him again, not six months later. We didn't follow that time and actually went back to our hometown. It always seemed like a game the feds were playing with him.