My boyfriend and I have been together (on again off again) for almost 3 years now. I do love him but he is a very difficult person to be with. He is going to be 32 next month and he as been locked up off and on since he was 10. He has anger issues and fidelity issues. He has put me through A LOT of B.S. He had physically and emotionally hurt me quite a few times. He is in prison now because of what he did to me. I tried to be the "cool" girlfriend that would put up with his crap and not call the cops but he finally drew the line when he choked me unconscious while I was driving. I was only out for a few seconds but still!!! And I was stopped at a red light. But i thought he wanted to kill me so i went to the cops and now he's back in prison. And i had never ever went to the cops before. And he has done some pretty awful crap! We are still together. I go visit him every weekend. We are planning a life together. But, every once in awhile (like today at visiting) he'll bring up how it's my fault that he's locked up. This makes me sooooooooooooo....... F&*$ING mad!! I just brush it off and ignore it in order to avoid an argument. But HOW COULD HE BE SO DAMNED IGNORANT AND STUPID TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT I AM THE REASON??!! I DON'T THINK HE HAS EVER HEARD OF THE TERM ACCOUNTABILITY!!!!!!! I have never spoken to anyone of this. I can't really. I'm starting to get really frustrated and want to know if anyone has ever been in this type of situation. I do want to say that he does have his good qualities and does want to change and is making an effort to do so. It's just makes me upset when he "jokes" about how I'm gonna pay for him being in prison.

sorry to hear about your ordeal yogijack.they all say they want to change,i don't believe they want or will though.as far as his "joke"about making you pay,how do you know its a joke,and what kind of joke is that?maybe his time in jail is what you need to see things more clearer,well thats what worked for me anyways..

Hon, he's not joking. . .about making you pay for his imprisonment. Take that to heart! He WILL make you suffer for it.
Just from the brief bio you've given, I guarantee you that this is a guy who ain't changin'.
To be absolutely brutal about it, If you're planning a life with this guy, plan on it being painful, ugly and brief. In the process, he will batter you silly, rob you of your soul, and turn you into something less than a dog until he kills you.
I have never written anything remotely like this before, but there's always a first time . . .

Yogs,
im so sorry to hear this. girl i PM'd you. you know if anything, you can talk to me. Riz i dont want anything to happen to you. maybe he is in denial because the truth hurts. and maybe he doesnt want to hurt anymore but that does not mean that you should suffer too. i pray that everything works out. but take the time to think about what you want. you deserve to be happy girl. sending you hugs. :grouphug:

He will make you suffer when he comes home every time something goes wrong he will bring it up how you made him go to prison Do you really need all this crap

I agree with all of the above posts! They have given you some good advice. This sounds like a typical domestic violence scenerio. You know the difference between right and wrong. Do the right thing. If he doesn't kill you, you are going to be miserable. YOU need to put an end to this! The first time he laid his hands on you, you should have said "SEE YA". You are worth more than him. Save yourself. There are alot of men out there... waiting to be loved! Find someone who is going to treat you with the respect you deserve! PLEASE!!!!!!!!! Let us know how you are! Stay Safe!

Take his joking seriously! It's not a joke, he's serious. Of course if you ask him, he's going to say that he would never hurt you, but he will add that it IS YOUR FAULT that he is in there and how could you do that to him. My ex acted the same way. After he did terrible things to me he would sometimes deny them or sometimes he would say, "so what, big deal!". To him it WAS nothing. It's only going to get worse, they always do. The more abuse you take, the more he's going to give.

He may be smiling when he says it, but he's NOT kidding.
A man who does not see how he's at fault after choking someone unconcious at a red light is not going to change one iota.
He tried to kill you.
He will, in all probability, try again.
I am begging you not to afford him an opportunity.

Y'know, I checked back in on this thread because seeing its title set a light on in my brain. It's not that he's in denial - YOU ARE! He deals with him, you deal with you. If you need more help making decisions about him, then do a whole lot of reading about abuse, narcissism and psychopathic personalities. That should knock your denial right out of the park.

Okay. I appreciate everyone's input here. But there are two sides to every story. I don't know - maybe I am in denial. But I think it's sounds kinda extreme to say he's gonna kill me and make me miserable and all that. Doesn't anyone think it's possible that people can and will change? Maybe I just don't see the situation for what it is but I can honestly say that i feel that he has changed and can change. Anything is possible. I never did anything bad to him but i wasn't always very nice. I know that this does not excuse his behaviour. I have never really given this much thought - like about how he may really huirt me. I don't know......

OK, I'm the one who's given you the hardest time, and I can easily explain why, though you won't like it.
When people go through serious trauma (like living in institutions from age 10 to now) it tends to create a narcisstic personality or a psychopath. Why? Because that is one of the best ways to survive, to think only of yourself, to numb yourself to the pain of others. (Same thing happens to torture victims.)
The other primary way to create a narcissist is to have narcissistic or psychopathic parents. Again, it's the way to survive.
Unfortunately, they are very calculating about getting what they need to survive. . . and they can be utterly charming to do it. It's the bait in the trap. They need someone to control, someone whose soul they can parasitize, and you catch more flies with honey . . . so once you're sucked in and thoroughly emotionally involved, the niggling stuff starts. And you say something, but it comes back. And you think "Poor boy, that's a real sore spot. I'd have one too, if I'd had that kind of experience" and so you back away, you lay off. Then comes the next set of demands. . . depending on his style, it can be about money, the way you dress, the way you keep house, the way you make love, but it's there. And it's really a big thing to him, so you give in again. More, and more, and he's trying to control your life, all of it. But that still doesn't fill up his need to control his own hurts. And it's still not enough, and you're still making mistakes and bumping into sore spots, and it hurts him and he hits/pinches/chokes/spits on you to put you back in line. Everything seems to be a sore spot. Everything brings another assault on you.
Now, occasionally you'll suddenly think the skies are clearing . . . you get apologies, even tears, flowers. It all works for a while (it's called the honeymoon phase). And you're back in love, both of you. But it doesn't last.
Let me add, he doesn't have many friends, because somewhere along the line they've all dissed him, not given him the deference and glory he feels he is due. He can't stay at one job, or if he can he is a terror to his employees. Everyone low-rates him, no-one really appreciates him.

I knew one who hyper-trained his dog. When the dog disobeyed him one day, he kicked it to death.

I can go on with this for a loooooong time. You really need to read for yourself, about how this all goes.

The upshot, however, is that they cannot understand your pain. And they don't care about changing, because they are getting rewarded - you give in, you bow to him. And they need that control over you, because that is how they keep getting their reward. And since they cannot feel your pain, because they have no empathy, they can't see what all the fuss is about. Because whatever they do is right, they cannot imagine why they should change.

The actual statistics are pretty awful. Of those in MANDATED abuser therapy (NOT anger management!!!), only about 10 out of 100 ever complete the therapy. Most stay in only long enough to fulfill their parole and then quit. Of the remainder, only 15% or so don't reoffend. That means that for every 100 abusers, 1 or 2 will be safe enough to live with, if never fully functional emotionally.

So there it is - your chances are 1-2%. If he actually ever gets to therapy. Do you think he sounds like he's willing to go to therapy, without a court order, and stay in it for 1-2 years?

Do a whole lot of research for yourself - if you can find better news, then maybe there's a whisper of hope, but that's what I've found. Go to the Domestic abuse agency near you, and talk with them. Fill out their checklist, and see what their evaluation is.

All I can say to that is a big huge AMEN. If he is not willing to step up now, he never will. Get loose while you can. Please.

Girl are you serious. Are you a child.............Ok well he has no reason to discipline you ever, ok heres better are you an animal? wrong again animals are not even treated like that. Its really not even him that needs to change its you. You cant possible love him because it sounds like you have'nt any an ounce of love for yourself if so you wouldnt be even be considering spending another second with him. Sweetheart you are a woman first and if you love yourself as a woman should no one could ever come close to violating you as he's done. You still go and see him after he says you are going to pay for getting him in there? WOW! and how is he trying to change again? Sorry but straight to the point last time he took your breath away temporarily next time you may not gain consiousness again. No one can tell you who to love but before you go giving your love to someone who clearly does'nt deserve it try giving it to God & Yourself first and if you still have room to share with that loser than by almost go for it full speed ahead but Im more than certain you'll have a change of heart literally.:thumbsup:

It wasn't until lately that I was made aware that there is a big beautiful world out there and lots of nice people in it...move on because living in doubt and fear isn't worth that little bit of love that guy might give you in return...and may I add it will be given to you with a price and you will be the one paying. (hugs) sokie

you have been given some very good advice.i pray that you do look inside yourself for that strength you so desperately need.quite frankly,for him to jokingly say that you are going to pay for him being in prison is really evil and conniving.he knows damm well aint nothing gonna be funny when he reminds you of his incarceration.he needs help but you cant worry about that now-YOU NEED HELP to heal and practice self-care before he gets out and punishes you.his anger at being in prison is real-most men dont play anyhow when they speak like that.so take his words are bond.
i know all this may be overwhelming to hear but you need to hear it.as a matter of fact,i always say that life aint funny-but isnt it ironic that he is cracking jokes from the least fun place on earth?be careful

Sister I just want to tell you please be careful I know you love him and ya have alot of history together but next time can be worst so you really need to think this out before he gets home.

At this point everyone keeps saying you love him. What do you love about him the black eyes or the marks that cant be seen. You need to do you and in order to do you need to be away from him. I have been you. Except he punched me in the face and took my car keys left me in the left hand turn lane,bleeding and wondering what I did. I had to make up a lie and say that it was someone else. When I got home I asked what did I do this time. He said that I looked at the man next to me. I dont even remember anyone being there sense the speed limit is 50 on that road. They dont change he use to use to the excuse I was high or drunk but then he did it sober what was his excuse that time. I made him do it. He use to lock me out side of the house and I would have to wait for him to pass out before my oldest could unlock the door to let me in. It is a sad life and they dont change he still is that way with his new girlfriend and she stoled him from me they think but really I was gone way before that.
Take this time that he is locked up and get your self some therapy even if it is a self help.
Nimuay knows what she is talking about. We are not ganging up on you we are trying to help you help yourself befor it is to late!!

Okay. I appreciate everyone's input here. But there are two sides to every story. I don't know - maybe I am in denial. But I think it's sounds kinda extreme to say he's gonna kill me and make me miserable and all that. Doesn't anyone think it's possible that people can and will change? Maybe I just don't see the situation for what it is but I can honestly say that i feel that he has changed and can change. Anything is possible. I never did anything bad to him but i wasn't always very nice. I know that this does not excuse his behaviour. I have never really given this much thought - like about how he may really huirt me. I don't know......


Umm...girl he is not joking and batterers rarely change. He is probably telling you what you want to hear right now. HE IS IN JAIL! HE HAS NOTHING BUT TIME TO PLOT HIS REVENGE ON YOU AND YOU ARE JUST MAKING IT EASY AS PIE. It's okay....I did it too but I stopped seeing him like 4 months before he came home (I left him for Kiah) and when he was released God blessed me with a way to move over 400 miles away. He probably doesn't even know I left. I am not sure if you watch the news and stuff but women are killed DAILY by their boyfriends or exes who have started out with the very same situation that you are in. I doesn't matter if you are nice to him or not. If he was a MAN he would have walked away or ended the relationship with you. I know plenty of men that have easily ended a relationship saying that they needed to leave before they hurt her. They never felt that way before and realized that the females were not the one for them.


I am not sure how you feel he has changed if he continues to go in and out of jail since he was 10. I think the real issue (beside him being a batterer) is your lack of self-esteem. Why are you justifying him hurting you. And emotional abuse is just as bad as phsyical abuse. This sounds like a very bad relationship for both of you to be in. But I agree with Nim and the rest...he is not joking about hurting you. I mean he has proved it to you that he will put his hands on you....why do you now think that this is just a joke? I think you need to leave while he is in jail and the getting is good. Then you should look into some DV counseling. It has worked wonders for me.

Sometimes when people are in abusive relationships, they make excuses, or don't really see what is going on. Obviously you see the need to ask for advice, so we are the people on the outside looking in. We see it from a clearer prospective, one that isn't clouded by "LOVE". When you love someone, you don't intentionally hurt them. There is alot of good information out there on domestic violence, and co dependancy. Look for some more info. You are not the only one in this world that has these same questions. Abuse escalates, and it can lead to DEATH! Face it. Read up, and I am sure that you will see alot of the same characteristics in their stories, as in yours! PLEASE look out for yourself! **{HUGS}}

my cousin was killed by her boy friend who beat her to death she stayed saying the same thing he will change, but every time something didnt go the way he wanted or someone eles gave him a hard time he took it out on her, we did everything we could to get her to leave him but she kept saying oh he didnt mean it,or oh he will change. He blamed her for everything and kept saying she would pay for what has happened to him like it was her fault. so to make a long story short he got really mad on night and beat her to death.
We are not put on this earth to be a punching bag for another person who is not mature enough to own up to his on fault
you need to get out while you still can there is a world of splender and happiness out there for your taking
do stay in darkness and fear for you life I hope you listen to the advice that has been posted
if he says you are going to pay for his time in prison beleive me he means every word of it BE CAREFUL

Listen to what everyone is telling you. My ex was never in jail because of me, it was always because of stupid things that he did! Not paying his fines, warrants everywhere. Driving while suspended, 13 times! Several times when he was high as a kite and beating on me, (according to him, he didn't touch me), I had to call the police and just wanted him removed, didn't press any charges, so, of course it was my fault when he landed in jail because of the warrants! Everything was always my fault! I ruined his life! Then, after he would "have a clear head", while in a controlled atmosphere (jail), he would "finally realize" everything HE did wrong and Oh, he was "SO SORRY! " Of course, he would somehow remind me that I had some making up to do because, after all, he wouldn't have gotten locked up if I hadn't called the cops on him for nothing! What a mind! Once home, the CRAP started all over again, except worse. Can't you see, they are all the same. Yes, I'm sure that some do change, anything is possible. The percentage, as the others have stated, is very small.These kind of people spend their lives manipulating and caniving to get what they want. They use and abuse. That's all they know how to do! It works for them. It is a normal way to live. You're caught up in it, but you don't realize it because you are believing his lies. I know, because I've been there, right in the same shoes you have been in. I was even choked as you were, driving through the city because he was just trying tostart a fight so he could go get high. That day we were at a restaurant in the city, very nice place. He wanted to take me somewhere special (with my money of course!) and in came a very well known DJ and I looked at him and said, "Look, thats so and so". Well, that was all it took for that one! The next thing I knew I was being thrown in MY car, grabbed, slapped, screamed at, my earring ripped out of my ear, trying to take my pocketbook, (for more money) and threatened! What a special afternoon! He was using me for his own selfish needs, comfort, convenience, and drugs! (money for them) Oh but he LOVED me! Believe me, none of that was love. It's all about power and control. He couldn't control himself, so he controlled me. Sorry this is so lengthy. I just want to give you a little glimpse into what is probably going to be very close, if not identical to YOUR FUTURE. I could go on and on. But it's realy the smae things over and over. Just different places and times. Each time he got out of jail, he was worse than before. On top of everything else, he thinks I owe HIM! Like I said, WHAT A MIND!! Believe me, if I could go back, I would in a heartbeat. In destroying himself, he almost destroyed me too. And believe me, he's not too happy right now because he hates the fact that I have moved on. Not with another man, because I am alone and enjoying every minute of it! But because I am happy.

A relationship that involves bruises, being choked, being blamed for the results of his actions and even having to ask yourself if it will get better is not "love".
This man choked you unconcious in a public place and thinks you are to blame for his being in prison?
He tried to KILL YOU and is not even sorry about it.
What would you say if your adult daughter or your best friend told you what you've told us?

Oh and to answer your question No! hes not in denial hes aware of everything thats going on in this situation. You are in denial. I have a friend ok well let me tell you the story sept 23 06 a friend of mine who was in a long relationship with her jealous boyfriend went to the mall they were in the process of breaking up for about a month things started getting worse. He knew she was growing distant because of the way he was treating her. So they were in the car leaving the mall he asked her do he still want to be with her she said no but we will always be friends. He asked her twice more getting the same reply. he got out of the car walked over to her side of the car (drivers side) shot the door 5 times with her catching every bullet walked away turned back around opened the door and shot her more. By the grace of God she is still alive she had 18 exit wounds. She is paralizyed she can talk but shes not breathing on her own.
They arrested him. He still thinks in his mind they are still together. She cant do anything for herself due to an abusive relationship. My advice to you is while you still can do for yourself you need to run like hell and never turn back.

Girl, some people can change - but in this case it sounds like you need to make the change. Get out now while you have the opportunity to get out safely. If he jokes about making you pay - chances are like everyone else said, there is truth behind those words.

Hi Yogijack

I am in a similar situation. My Bf abused me and is in jail now. He will be in for 7 years.

I still love him but I noticed something in his letters to me. I asked him whether he remembered hitting me and hurting me and if he was sorry.


I have received 4 nice letters from him, but guess what? He doesn't mention the abuse. he says he lvoes me blah blah and he wants to marry me when he gets out and that my letters are all that keeps him going. But he has absolutely no REMORSE.

So I sent him a letter which says it all, ITS OVER! I will no longer take your abuse. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life as I really love this man but he also destroyed me financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

In time I will get over him and I think this may be good advice for you.

I really do appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you. But I don't think you all understand the situation. You are probably thinking, "We understand all too well." But..... we've been together about 3 years and there have been only a few instances of being physical (on both sides). I really don't see what you all are saying. It all sounds so dramatic to me; well, pertaining to my situation anyway. I totally understand that there are women who are in pretty dire/harmful/deadly situations. But this is not mine. Yesterday when my boyfriend called, I mentioned to him about the "joking" around. He says he does it to rile me up. I know how he is. I know that deep down inside he understands that the only person who put him in prison is himself. He has told me that before. I feel comfortable with him but I do have my guard up. I am not trying to minimize anything and I felt like venting the other day cuz that joking around pissed me off cuz it brought back some memories. But for the most part everything is okay. I know that he and I do need counseling, which is what we are going to do. Like I said, I am completely aware that situations that you all have described do exist. But I feel that my situation is not as extreme and if I do feel like things will not work out, THEN I will leave. I have explained this to him and he understands. I do appreciate everyone's advice but i am almost certain that i have not convinced any of you.

And yes Nimuay...I will heed your advice and so some research on my own. I think it would be very helpful in order to identify some things. Thank you!

What is not to understand about "he choked me unconcious at a stoplight"?? Please, please stop making excuses for this man. You may think he's joking--did the story above about the girl getting shot not clue you in? He's been in and out since he was 10 years old....how many years is that?? And he hasn't gotten "IT" yet?! There comes a time when you have to love yourself more than you "love" him...or you won't be around. Why would you want to be with someone that you have to keep your guard up around? You should be able to relax and be safe around the person you love.

Please listen to these things you've been told. Take a step back and really think about them. I've been through being beaten up by an ex, and it's not a joke. He tells you he "understands"? Well, he's going to tell you whatever it takes to keep you around. One day, something will set him off again and it's gonna be all over.

Nance

Every woman in one of those "dire/harmful/deadly situations" has told her friends/family/the courts that her situation " is not as extreme".

This man thinks it's entertaining to "joke" about making you pay for the consequences of his violent behavior and you think it's okay?

You say "I know that he and I do need counseling, which is what we are going to do. " Has HE agreed that there is a need for counseling? Are you getting counselling on your own? There's no reason on earth why you should wait for him before you get some professional insight... and you might print out this thread to share with your therapist, I have no doubt that s/he would be very interested.

You're probably right about not convincing any of us, certainly I'm not convinced but I do pray I'm wrong since you seem set on staying with a man who attempted to murder you... and damn near succeeded.

hey yogi maybe physically yours isn't as 'extreme' either was mine.mentally it was worse,and sometimes the mental can be worse,i have been been seperated from my husband for two years were on our way to a divorce,but its been 2 years and everyday several times a day shit still comes to mind about something he has done or especially said.and even though my husband didn't physically abuse me that much i know once august gets here there is a good chance that he will end up where i am,we have a baby together and he thinks of me as his,i got a letter from him today and weather we are divorced or not he believes i belong to him so i would say there is a 98%chance he will be here to check on his 'property' and if he wants he can but i am fully prepared to stick his ass right back where he came from,are you??if i read correctly you 2 have a baby together well don't you think that baby deserves a life without violence?if for no other reason you should get out for that.i have been told by many people that the abusers are even worse when they get out,maybe not at first but soon will be...these men are full of excuses and apologies,they DON'T mean them,they are losers and no they will not change,you say your relationship isn't as bad as these others ladies well mine doesn't sound as bad as yours,but you know what a little is way too damn much! i hope you can take some time out and see all this for yourself,i hope you can make the right decision,and if i was wrong about you guys having a babie then it still matters what you put you and your loved ones through and if i was right about the baby then maybe you should think of her first before his lousy abusing ass....not saying the rest of us haven't put the loser first cause we have,thats what they want and how they work,but while he is in prison this is your chance,grab it and get it all together while he is in there,get rid of him ,if we all can so can you...goodluck

yogijack Please do not take this as being smart or mean. What I'm going to say is not meant to be at all. Listen carefully. Just suppose I said to you the following: Well, he bit me on the face, but it only bled a little and my face was only swollen for a day, and the bite mark was gone after a week or so. It wasn't that bad, after all, I didn't need any stitches. He did lift me off the couch by the throat and banged my head into the wall above, but the lump only lasted a few days and it was gone. He did choke me until I fell on the floor but I had an asthma attack because of it so it really wasn't his fault that I couldn't breath. When he head butted me that wasn't bad either, that lump and bruise was also gone within five days. All of the many bruises I have had on my face, neck, arms, legs, chest, well anyway, they were all gone within a week or so, so you really can't count them because they were small anyway. We can all minimize the things our abusers have done. Believe me, I did. Each and every time this kind of stuff went on, he said he was sorry and would never do it again. Eventually he would have killed me. As a matter of fact, one of the last things he threatened me with was ending it and taking me with him!

No, thank God we do not have any children together. And Kalibabe, it's strange how you mention "belonging to him" and being his "property" cuz that's exactly what he has said to me. I always thought it was funny and that he was joking. Do they actually feel that way? They truly believe that they have ownership over someone? I can't comprehend that. It's not really that easy to get away from someone when you don't really want to. He gets out at the end of July. He only had to do 11 months for this parole violation. And this whole time he's been locked up, I've been right by his side telling him all the things he wants and needs to hear. He expects me to move away with him in September and I have been in agreeance the whole time. I figure that i want to give him a chance and see what it is like. I do not feel that my life is in so much danger where i have to get away from him. If things don't work out then I will leave.

well yes, they really do feel that way- like people are property, things that can be owned.
and no, it's not easy to get away when you don't completely want to-
and I wish you much luck
this syndrome is like the common cold or the flu or something, a lot of men unfortunately seem to have it. and I wish youd hear us, but you're not, so all I can do is wish you the best
we'll be here if you need the pieces picked up, and are able to reach out to us
not tryin to be negative, but your odds just aren't good

yea yogi its pretty crazy how they seem to think they have the ownership papers on us..i know how you feel about being by his side and shit,if you read a few of my threads and posts from the beginning of me coming to pto i was in the same spot as you,i was by his side,and had planned to stay by his side,i was planning on moving back to cali (i am in alaska)..i kept passing by this dv forum never coming to check it out,cause it hit to close to home i guess,well one day i finally did and i kept reading and reading and finally i would start asking questions,reading other peoples stories and now i am sending off divorce papers,and i still to this day get sad.most of these abusers do have their good days,but i was always on watch with my husband,i could see it in his face that he was going to go off.he didn't call me names or anything like that he said god awful things to me about certain things i had confided in him about,my dead brother,,things my dad did when i was a little girl,he did hit me,choke me and other things just not everyday,although i don't really know which is worse the hitting or the words...in my husbands letter today he said he was shocked to find i was getting a divorce because all my other letters i was telling him how much i love him and want to be with him,well i guess he will figure out that i finally woke up,thanks to pto,these ladies have all been through it,and gotten out of it and their stories are so simular although everyones is different and it helps just to beable to hear them and to tell them and get feedback...just know we have all been there and were here for you in anyways we can be...

You're planning to move with him? To where? How far from your family, friends, familiar places and support system? Where will you run to if we're right about him?

Getting you to move is just one more thing for him to have you under his control.I bet he does not like your parents or your friends cause they get in the way. Everything they say or do is to set it all in place. When he moves you away then you have no one but him for anything and every thing. Brings back way to many thoughts. I know that you think that you have this under control but really in most cases they have it way more under control than you think. No one likes to think that their loved one would be like this.

Okay well get ready for this one. He wants to move to Hawaii. I have never had any desire to move there. I've been there and did not really care for it. He says he wants me to be in a place where i HAVE to deal with him. A place where i can't go and run home to Daddy whenever there's a problem. I don't know. I really do need to think about all this. But i don't know where to begin. Because, in my head I want to be with him. So it's kinda hard for me to step out. Sorry I bet i am frustrating to you all. It is nice to know that you are all here! I don't want to be the idiot that's gonna hear, "See!! We told you so!" Thank you to everyone that has taken the time. I

yea i bet he don't want you to beable to run home to daddy...i think we all know the feeling of still wanting to be with him before we completely see the light,atleast i do.you are not a idiot,you are just wishing he was the man he put on to be in the beginning,that doesn't make you a idiot,and noone is going to say i told you so,except for maybe your family;)isn't that what they do..i am glad you are taking a good look at the situation,this place really does help.its not a easy thing but i promise you its the right thing...

Here I go again! lol! I went that route with him too. He said he needed to get away, we were supposed to move 1000 miles away, here to Florida as a matter of fact! (where I am now) But, because of the sale of my business falling through (thank God at the time) I couldnt leave at that time, so we moved 60 miles away. He did have me to himself. The reason we moved was supposedly so he would be away from all his druggy friends and his suppliers. Well, that was the farthest thing from the truth. He was right back with them and I was safely tucked away 60 miles away. Thought I was too far away to find out what he was doing. He would run back there every chance he got. Left for work 2 hours early, (just to relax, of course), needed alone time, made up all kinds of excuses, but I knew what he was doing). Then the crap started all over again. What a waste of time. I got out before the physical abuse started. It was right around the corner believe me! Oh, and by the way, he said that I was his too, he owned me, and still to this day thinks he does. Told me that if he finds out I have been with anybody else, I'm dead because I will always be his! Don't go anywhere with him. Think about what you are doing. If it don't feel right, it probably isn't! Listen to your inner voice if it's trying to tell you something. I didn't listen and I should have. I knew everytime I was making the wrong choice, but I listened to HIM!

I've been going back and reading all the posts. It's really cool how you can all share your stories with me. I feel like i am trapped at the moment. I do want to give him a chance. But there have been many times where i wanted to leave him and did (temporarily) but he would come to me and that was that. Anyway, I have been telling this guy for the past 9 months that yes I will live with him. yes i will marry him. yes i love him. In my mind, i was not comprehending that he WILL be getting out soon. Like the last time he was in. He had a girlfriend but he said he wanted to be with me when he got out. I didn't believe. Didn't take him seriously and thought we would just have fun together for the time being and when he got out he'd get back with his girlfriend and leave me alone. That's how i have felt this whole relationship. I thought he would grow tired or bored of me and find someone else and i wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. I never ever ever anticipated this relationship with him. Now here we are 3 years later. He's getting out in 2 months. I feel that i can't leave him now. I think that YES he would go psycho on me because it would be totally unexpected. So, I was thinking that i need to stay with him and once he's out, he'll be distracted by others and not care about this relationship. This is what I always have in the back of my head. Yes, I want to be with him but I believe that this is my only way out (if need be). Now I probably sound all crazy to you all. But I just can't leave him hanging right now. Does this make any sense to anyone?? I figure maybe if I keep on posting all my thoughts then something is bound to click sooner or later. WIth the help of you all of course!!!

Because, in my head I want to be with him. So it's kinda hard for me to step out.

Honey, that's not your head, that's a hopeful heart that wants to believe the best and does not want to believe you could be so wrong about him as to pin your future on a man who could be fatal... your head knows that moving, that even staying in this situation as it stands now, is a very risky move... You wanna know how I know? You're still here, listening to us.
Would you want your baby sister to move far away from everything safe and familiar with a man who had tried to take her life?

My boyfriend and I have been together (on again off again) for almost 3 years now. I do love him but he is a very difficult person to be with. He is going to be 32 next month and he as been locked up off and on since he was 10. He has anger issues and fidelity issues. He has put me through A LOT of B.S. He had physically and emotionally hurt me quite a few times. He is in prison now because of what he did to me. I tried to be the "cool" girlfriend that would put up with his crap and not call the cops but he finally drew the line when he choked me unconscious while I was driving. I was only out for a few seconds but still!!! And I was stopped at a red light. But i thought he wanted to kill me so i went to the cops and now he's back in prison. And i had never ever went to the cops before. And he has done some pretty awful crap! We are still together. I go visit him every weekend. We are planning a life together. But, every once in awhile (like today at visiting) he'll bring up how it's my fault that he's locked up. This makes me sooooooooooooo....... F&*$ING mad!! I just brush it off and ignore it in order to avoid an argument. But HOW COULD HE BE SO DAMNED IGNORANT AND STUPID TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT I AM THE REASON??!! I DON'T THINK HE HAS EVER HEARD OF THE TERM ACCOUNTABILITY!!!!!!! I have never spoken to anyone of this. I can't really. I'm starting to get really frustrated and want to know if anyone has ever been in this type of situation. I do want to say that he does have his good qualities and does want to change and is making an effort to do so. It's just makes me upset when he "jokes" about how I'm gonna pay for him being in prison.

I have been in the same situation and i can tell you one thing... he is not going to change saying its your fault... after 2 years my ex finally called me and admitted that it was all him and asked me to forgive him... i did but we kept it at that and still went our seperate ways... my advice to you is to keep it pushing because thats your best bet! When he gets out this man will probably continue to do the same thing again... He cant even admit that its his fault...i mean come on now wtf??? You are your own person and you will do what you wanna do but my only advice to you is to move on! Its rough but its the truth and good luck!!

yogijack, you haven't had this experience before, and so you've been playing house with him in your mind. If he isolates you, by virtue of marriage and/or moving, you are going to be shit out of luck. Hawaii has some really unpopulated areas and some not-well-served areas. (I have a sister who lived in Hawaii for 13 years.)
You've run almost every red flag up the flagpole, for those of us who've been there. And you're having the same emotional reactions that all of us have had - of wanting to be faithful, of wanting to believe the best hopes of our hearts rather than the worst fears of our minds. Of believing that love really can fix everything. Even of secretly hoping that him switching attention to another woman will get you out of a situation that you unconsciously know is toxic.

Read, girl! Research as if your life depended on it, because it does.

Just think of your future - two or three times a year, you'll be choked. Maybe a couple of times a year you'll get hit. Possibly a few times a year he'll close you in a room when you don't want to be there. Once or twice you'll get accused of flirting with somebody you virtually didn't even see. And maybe cussed out something awful.
This is the BEST possible outcome.
But you're going to be where you can't always run, where you don't know anyone. Where you may not have a car (he'll need it for work, or something). Where sometimes the police don't come for hours.

We'll keep hoping you come to the point where you honestly understand just how poisonous this all is. Until then, just keep coming back, and we'll keep wishing you the best and holding you close.

Incidentally, IF you go through with this, and you do start counseling, please understand that unless you find a specialist in abuse therapy, you will be doing yourself NO good...if you do standard couples therapy, you will be sitting there being honest, and he will be sitting there collecting ammunition to abuse you with later. DON"T do it.

I read your last reply and all I could think of was everything that I went though, My ex wanted me to move up north from everyone and everything I knew. Be thankful that you dont have kids in this mess,cause they dont forget things like this. I know that mine have not. They were here the last time he beat me up and they were crying for one of this friends to help me but no one would cause I was getting what I asked for. I asked him not to take my car. He went back to prison but not for the DV and I was still with him but something in me had to take a look around and say this is not love: it is what if he changes and I miss out on something good. I left and went back a couple of times. But I think that the reality of it all came crashing down on me when my kids were worried about him coming home and he still had a few years to go.

Yesterday when my boyfriend called, I mentioned to him about the "joking" around. He says he does it to rile me up. I know how he is. I know that deep down inside he understands that the only person who put him in prison is himself. He has told me that before. I feel comfortable with him but I do have my guard up. I am not trying to minimize anything and I felt like venting the other day cuz that joking around pissed me off cuz it brought back some memories. But for the most part everything is okay. I know that he and I do need counseling, which is what we are going to do. Like I said, I am completely aware that situations that you all have described do exist. But I feel that my situation is not as extreme and if I do feel like things will not work out, THEN I will leave. I have explained this to him and he understands. I do appreciate everyone's advice but i am almost certain that i have not convinced any of you.


Okay, so I cannot tell you what to do. But i will repeat whatI said earlier. He is in jail now and wants you to come visit, send $$ and packages. HE IS JUST TELLING YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR!!! How many hours a day is he telling his bunkee or friends that when he gets out it is over for you. Then you say if I don't feel like it is working out THEN I will leave. What if that only constitutes you leaving in a Body Bag or being found washed up on a riverbed?

God brought you to this forum for a reason. You posted that for a reason but like many of us before you (and after you unfortunately) we make excuses for and find reasons to stay. Yes....my case of DV was only a few instances also. I can probably count on two hand and some toes the number of times that he actually put hands on me...but the emotional abuse and mental abuse that is occuring is still as bad. And does the fact that it was only physical a "few" times justify the fact that is happened any time. A man will not put his hands on you. He will walk away first. My ex batterer was in jail (detained really...he was acquitted) for 2 years and 2 months and for the better part of it (21 months) I was there 2 a week sometimes more. Giving him $$, packages, answering his calls. Even when he was telling me he was going to change he was up there fighting, in that gang crap and was even in the paper for cutting someone on the way to court! But I justified my visits by saying I want his daughter to know him and I feel bad for him. But see God knew his heart and got me up out of dodge before he had to chance to even see me on his release.

While we were together he was in jail for shooting his cousin (detained 2 years) and for stabbing a guy at his (the guy's) bachelor party. All of this because the cousin threw toilet paper in his face while he slept and because the bachelor touched my leg (as well as every other girl in the spot....I was a dancer then [exotic...forced to by the batterer but that is a story for another day]). I mean these are minor reasons but yet he felt something close to DEATH was the only penalty. It truly was only a matter of time before it was me.

You are saying we don't understand. NO!!! You don't understand how destructive your relationship is. But now because he is in jail, wooing you, telling you what you want to hear....it is us here at PTO that don't know what is going on, right? No Yogijack. It was us. Because somehow, someway all of us responding have been in your shoes. We all made excuses, all justified the bruises, incidents, and yes some of us fought back too. But is that really a relationship you want or need? Having to fight because of this or that. Yes, arguments may occur but if they get too heated no one should put their hands on one another. They should be walking away. This a very destructive relationship and no one, not you or anyone else, should be dealing with it. How would you feel if this was your child? If your daughter came to you and said Momma he only hit me a couple of times or whatever, your blood would boil and you would not only tell her but probably help her to leave. So why is this not the case for you? 3 years is a long time...but not so long that you cannot meet someone else who will treat you right. And you said he purposely "joked" with you to get you riled up. Why would someone do that? Because he likes to hurt you...I mean you have got to see what this is for what it is. I fear for you if you continue to stay....

....But at the end of the day this is all my opinion. A stranger from cyberspace. But maybe just maybe one of us here knows what we are talking about. Trying to prevent you and others in your similar circumstance from going through and experiencing what we did. And as long as people continue to post....we will continue to respond.


One last thing. You sound like me. Justifying your fear. For whatever reason you are scared to leave him so you are listening to his bologna with cheese because that is what you want. But becareful what you wish for....

my heart is fearful for you love.he told you he wants you where you have to deal with him.those words sent chills down my spine because as much as you love him he is going to teach you a lesson.it is not going to be over until he feels like you have learned that lesson.face it, he isnt planning his freedom he is planning on whipping your azz.i dont know about you but i aint taking no more beatings.and i sure as hell wouldnt move with his azz to HAWAII!if you do decide to be wiht him still-SET YOUR BOUNDARIES and STICK TO THEM!get you help now on how to protect yourself.i had a boyfriend who wouldnt let me block my face from his blows.it wasnt a problem until he realized i was protecting my face so sometimes he would make me put my hands down while he hit me in the face.that was so that i understood that he didnt care about anyone seeing.it worries me that you have no idea.will he even let you protect yourself when he starts swinging?it aint no joke when he got you in the house on lock down and beating your azz.tell him you aint moving away.it may not take another woman to distract him. when he sees you arent leaving he may leave...though i doubt it.at best you will have neighbors on either side of your home-and can run to help when the opportunity arises.but it will rise.like SMOKE IN THE CITY

I've been going back and reading all the posts. It's really cool how you can all share your stories with me. I feel like i am trapped at the moment. I do want to give him a chance. But there have been many times where i wanted to leave him and did (temporarily) but he would come to me and that was that. Anyway, I have been telling this guy for the past 9 months that yes I will live with him. yes i will marry him. yes i love him. In my mind, i was not comprehending that he WILL be getting out soon... But I just can't leave him hanging right now. Does this make any sense to anyone?? I figure maybe if I keep on posting all my thoughts then something is bound to click sooner or later. WIth the help of you all of course!!!



Listen...we didn't move far at all (from one boro to another) and he still isolated me from my friends and family. You are his prey. He will do to you what he likes. You need to go home if that is a real viable option for you. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ON YOUR OWN. Don't wait for him to get bored and leave...it will never happen. That man cheated on me, went out on dates....sh*t even was having sex in the house when I walked through the door (and didn't stop but smiled all in my face) but NEVER even thought about leaving. People only do to you what you allow them but i will say this DON'T YOU DARE MOVE TO HAWAII WITH HIM!!! I may not have the right to say it like that and forgive me for saying it but that is a trap, is a trap, is a trap. Girl, if you have two months...run like hell. Trust me I hate to say this too but he won't miss you. I did 21 months of a bid with that dude. He got out and 4 months later was married (legally) to someone he just met in the shelter! He didn't give a daxn about me or my daughter (his biologically). All my years, all my tears, working 3 jobs at 17, cooking, laundry 8 months pregnant by myself, prostituting, DOING EVERYTHING HE WANTED, meant nothing because ole boy went and found the next sucker....so trust me the only one in trouble is you. He will find the next person 1-2-3....don't be a sucker for him anymore...It is time you start worrying about you!:thumbsup:

And why can't you leave him hanging....if the shoe was on the other foot and you were in jail....do you think he'd wait for you? HELL NO!!! And i know how it feels to feel trapped. Because I felt trapped that is how my daughter got here. I love her to death but I could have been and done so much more for her if I would have waited for a decent man to come along. He thought he would trap me off by getting me pregnant. It is all a game. You aren't leaving him hanging. Trust me the next person will be along (possibly that ex girlfriend)...he will be okay....but will you if you stick around?

I have thought all the things you thought and felt all the things you felt. But when I met Kiah it was over. In a snap. Give yourself a chance. Who is this man? Have you finished school, college? Have you seen the world, traveled? Listen....do some of those things first and if your path leads you back to him then that is fine...but give youself a chance at life...if I had a chance to do it all again knowing what I know now OH BOY things would be different. But this is the bed I made so I must lay in it. But while you still have a chance, no marriage, no children, nothing to tie you to him do you. If you feel the same after you have seen some of the world...done some of the things you wanted to for you....then I will shut up and wish y'all luck.

Okay. I appreciate everyone's input here. But there are two sides to every story. I don't know - maybe I am in denial. But I think it's sounds kinda extreme to say he's gonna kill me and make me miserable and all that. Doesn't anyone think it's possible that people can and will change? Maybe I just don't see the situation for what it is but I can honestly say that i feel that he has changed and can change. Anything is possible. I never did anything bad to him but i wasn't always very nice. I know that this does not excuse his behaviour. I have never really given this much thought - like about how he may really huirt me. I don't know......

The first step to him changing is to no longer blame you or anyone else. It's for him to be accountable. If he's not there yet, he's not yet on his way to changing this problem. that's the denial you both have. I know you wanna have hope,, but please see the reality of where he is right now and the "joke" that you will pay is VERY SCARY!! It proves he is not on his way to change. Please see that. Yes, I believe men can change this, but as women, you need to listen closely for the signs of whether or not they are truly changing and I'm sorry to say this, but he definitely IS NOT there yet. Sometimes if you distance yourself from him for a little while, this can get him thinking about the possibility of losing you and can be an incentive for him to change. Also, be aware that there will most likely be parole conditions on him when he's released that he can't be around you regardless of what you may want.

First off, you are making sense to me, doll. I totally believe that people can change, even people like your man, BUT my advice for you is to leave him alone. If he's going to change it needs to be WITHOUT you. If you really do love him and care for him, cut him out of your life completely. It's okay to love him - but don't enable him to do it again! This is in NO WAY your fault, but believe me when I say this, getting far away from this situation is what is best for you AND him.

Some couples can go through something like this and someday get back together stronger than ever. Look at Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne. He once strangled her, almost killed her, and they couldn't be happier now. Despite what some woman say on here, PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

Just have faith and take everything into account. It's your decision what to do next, nobody else's.

If I were you I would cut him out of my life and pray for him. He can only change if he really wants to, but it's not safe for you to stay around and find out.

Maybe someday he will have a life-changing experience that will make him see his past mistakes, but it's in no way your duty to make sure this happens.

Let fate take its course.

God bless and take care. Feel free to PM me if you ever need somebody to talk to.

This picture could not possibly be made any more clear for you. He chokes you, then purposely upsets you with his stupid ass comments about making you pay.(Admits it too!) Then the ultimate plan, to move you to Hawaii so he can effectively isolate you from any type of family support system or friends. Men like him love to be with women like you because you buy their bullcrap and are easily manipulated. I don't care if he got physically abusive with you even ONCE that was one time too many. I truly hope you don't end up with a tag on your toe in the morgue.

Wow...where to start on a thread like this. Hon...he will only change if he chooses to and one of his choices has to be to get help when he is on the outside. He can come off as a changed person while he is on the other side of the wall...why not, he has plenty of time to think about what he can say to make it appear he is a changed person. I have been married to 2 abusive men. I could go on and on about all that happened in those marriages but I won't because anyone that has been in an abusive relationship would know about all the "I am so sorry", "I promise I will never do it again", "if you wouldn't have......", "if you would have........", and the excuses or in their minds the reason he did what he did is because you "made" him do it. I tried and tried and tried to make the relationships work only to find out that each time I tried to be a better person it wasn't good enough, no matter what I did, it was wrong. Finally I came to the realization that there was nothing more I could do to make it better. I so wanted to believe they would change, but they didn't. I was blinded by what I thought was love. Then I got to looking around at the relationships my friends had. I asked myself why theirs appeared so different than mine? Why didn't they wear the bruises that you would almost have to change your whole wardrobe for daily because of the color changes (in bruises)?
I was in denial to the fact that is was me causing the problem and not issues that he had to take care of. There are so many books and articles written about domestic violence issues. Hon, start reading....you will see how your situation is like so many others.
With my first marriage I got lucky to a point. He got restless when I started fighting back. I never came out on top in the situation but I gave it my all. The last time he ever laid a hand on me he left when my dad took me to the hospital (and I never heard from him again). He and I were both lucky that he left. My dad wanted to kill him and I am sure that if he would have been there when my dad got back he would have. I would have had a dead husband and a father in prison. Neither of which I wanted. I just wanted a life where I wasn't going to be in pain anymore, a life where I could smile and not be asked "what's so funny?". There is a saying that love hurts....well not like that. That isn't love. I now know that, when I was 20 years old I didn't. My last husband....I am the one that got smart. He was a truck driver. When he was coming home, my kids couldn't be at the house. No man will ever come before my kids. I divorced him after 2 years of marriage....they were 2 of the LONGEST years of my life. He wasn't home much but when he was believe me, he made up for the time he was out on the road.
Please re-evaluate your relationship. Love isn't what he is giving you.
Right now we are dealing with a domestic violence charge from my grandson's dad on my daughter. I just got served papers this morning and trial has been set for August.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please don't wait until it's to late for you to escape the chains of violence. It only gets worse. He will NOT forget that he has been incarcerated because YOU were protecting yourself. With each minute, hour, day, week and month that passes he has time to think about it. He will FOREVER blame you for his being where he is now. Don't take any threats lightly.....you can bet your bottom dollar he means what he says and when he gets out....he will make those promises a reality......and once again....in his eyes....it will be your fault.
If you ever need to talk, I am here.

This picture could not possibly be made any more clear for you. He chokes you, then purposely upsets you with his stupid ass comments about making you pay.(Admits it too!) Then the ultimate plan, to move you to Hawaii so he can effectively isolate you from any type of family support system or friends. Men like him love to be with women like you because you buy their bullcrap and are easily manipulated. I don't care if he got physically abusive with you even ONCE that was one time too many. I truly hope you don't end up with a tag on your toe in the morgue.

why do you even post on dv?to tell women like us how "stupid" we are? you oviously don't have a clue,i am not in my abusive relationship anymore but you wouldn't see me judging other women the way you come on here and do whenever you get a wild hair!! i can't figure out your reasoning,i mean it would be one thing if your post had a little compassion in it or something but they always seem to be so judgemental against us,what do you want,us to congradulate you on not being in the position we have or are in,well hon here you go.:clap:

Nope, not judging anybody. I do not feel my post was any more harsh than quite a few of the others on here either. As I have said before, I have been in this situation so I do indeed have "clue". It sounds as though this gal has been through some shit before with this guy. She knows what he is about. When someone keeps staying in the same sesspool of crap time and again because they choose to, I have a hard time being compassionate. Yes, when it first happens, you work with the person, help them, get them the resources they need, etc....... maybe the OP didn't have those options from the start, I don't know for sure.I am also more than aware of a woman's head being completely messed up by an ongoing abusive environment. I don't think that babying anyone whose life is in obvious danger is doing them a favor. I am simply telling her what I see happening, which I am more than certain she can see as well but doesn't want to see it. As far as calling anyone stupid, I don't recall ever saying that or even implying it. Also, yes indeed I am proud of myself for leaving the crap situation I was in. I have every right to feel proud. Ultimately though, it is a choice that the woman must make to leave or stay.

We all are proud once we finally make the steps needed to leave. It isn't always real clear what we should do as I am sure that everyone knows that, me included. A point and time comes when we make the necessary steps and walk away. Being there....it took me awhile as I am sure that it has others. It's not a situation that most can easily walk away from. As far as being critical of others....none of us have the right to judge another person's actions nor do we have the right to condemn them. Please stay with what the original poster has placed on the boards and stop being critical of each other. Being in a situation where there is DV is NOT easy, never has and never will be.
Back to topic at hand please. :)

@yogi,
i hve been thinking about your situation and i pray that you are okay.believe this-for all your reaching out to us,we will reach bac for you.

I too been in an abusive relationship it is a very hard step to get out, i took me me 6 years ans 2 children. but now i am remarried and happy of course married to a different man a good natured and carin man they are out there somewhere.

I really do appreciate everyone's comments, concerns and supportive words. So far everything is going well. I'm leaving tonite to go visit him this weekend, as I do every weekend. We have been getting along pretty good. I do enjoy my time with him. He will be out in a month and I will see what is going to happen then. And a lot of people have mentioned that i should do some reading on domestic violence. Does anyone have any referrals of books or websites or whatever? Thanks!:)

Check out the stickies at the beginning of the forum! And I would still suggest going to a domestic abuse agency and do at least one interview. You're going on the feelings of a period called "honeymoon". It happens with abusers all the time - they are vicious, abusive, dangerous, and then suddenly there comes a period when they know they have to reel you back in and are attentive, sweet and caring. Once you come back emotionally they start the abuse again. Never trust the honeymoon.

nimuay....You are so right about the "honeymoon"! That is the "man" that my mind and emotions just kept clinging to. The "man" who loved me so much. This person only came out during the honeymoon, and he wasn't real! He was kind, loving and caring when he knew that I was done, finished and couldn't take anymore. Out he would come and it was always so unbelievable! Once he felt secure, bam, the abuse would start so fast my head would spin. I realize now that he did what he had to do to keep me. What he was really doing was throwing me a few crumbs. I also found out recently that he would get together with his crack buddies (girls too) and laugh over the things that he did to me. How nice. Abusers never change! The statistics are 1% of abusers change and only with intensive, ongoing therapy. They must constantly be told, reminded and shown that what they are doing is wrong.

Okay. I appreciate everyone's input here. But there are two sides to every story. I don't know - maybe I am in denial. But I think it's sounds kinda extreme to say he's gonna kill me and make me miserable and all that. Doesn't anyone think it's possible that people can and will change? Maybe I just don't see the situation for what it is but I can honestly say that i feel that he has changed and can change. Anything is possible. I never did anything bad to him but i wasn't always very nice. I know that this does not excuse his behaviour. I have never really given this much thought - like about how he may really huirt me. I don't know......

This is crazy don't wait to find out "HOW HE MAY HURT YOU". God is giving you a chance to change your life. You need to make a change NOW--don't worry about him so much. He showed you over and over what kind of person he is-- but you are still hanging around waiting for a change.

I pray that the change you are looking for is not death.
Please care more about yourself and others will care about you too.

Okay. I appreciate everyone's input here. But there are two sides to every story. I don't know - maybe I am in denial. But I think it's sounds kinda extreme to say he's gonna kill me and make me miserable and all that. Doesn't anyone think it's possible that people can and will change? Maybe I just don't see the situation for what it is but I can honestly say that i feel that he has changed and can change. Anything is possible. I never did anything bad to him but i wasn't always very nice. I know that this does not excuse his behaviour. I have never really given this much thought - like about how he may really huirt me. I don't know......I use to believe as you do here and that people were blowing things out of the water about what could happen. Today I visited my daughters grave. Everyday I have to look into my mothers eyes and even tho she doesn't say it I know what she is thinking because she was one of the one's who told me that the relationship I was in would destroy me and so many others around me. I don't think the women here are trying to make you feel bad but maybe just trying to save you some heartache...I too turned a deaf ear when people told me stuff I didn't want to hear and tried to believe what he told me.
I do hope for your sake and the people who love you that your guy has changed and what you believe in is true where this guy is concerned. We don't know him personally but we have know someone like him so we throw those red flags at you. Its not to hurt you but just giving you some of our experiences. If I was you I wouldn't jump right back into this relationship--keep sperate places to live and watch his actions. I can't believe being in prison can change a man or how he react with anger...it will probably make it worst. And maybe make him a little more sly about hurting you so he doesn't return to prison. You just be careful Yogi and keep that guard up because sometimes that "honeymoon period" doesn't last long. sokie

Okay. I appreciate everyone's input here. But there are two sides to every story. I don't know - maybe I am in denial. But I think it's sounds kinda extreme to say he's gonna kill me and make me miserable and all that. Doesn't anyone think it's possible that people can and will change? Maybe I just don't see the situation for what it is but I can honestly say that i feel that he has changed and can change. Anything is possible. I never did anything bad to him but i wasn't always very nice. I know that this does not excuse his behaviour. I have never really given this much thought - like about how he may really huirt me. I don't know......

There is plenty of good advice given to you. Please read and really think about what they are telling you. People can change, but then again they can also put on a front. My husband did put on a front. I which that I had found this forum a couple of years ago for it has really helped me.

Yes,

I strongly agree that ultimately it is your decision Yogi whether to continue on with this man.

Even though I still love my abuser I know that I wont ever be with him again. There is never an excuse to hit a partner EVER.

I feel sorry for you(yogijack) i truly do. and thats all i have to say.

yogijack i been there done that with the abusive relationship. No one leaves the relationship until they are good and ready or like someone else stated a tag on the toe!

I have been out of the abusive relationship for 21 years but i still lurk in the DV forum and girl let me tell you out of all the stories I have read on this forum Sokie's has got to be the most heartwrenching story I have come across. Listen to her.

You will have many post stating do what your heart says or dump the chump. But you will have to make the decision on your own. Hopefully not while your hooked up on life support.

I can support when it comes to how do I leave him but I cant support the i love him and will be together when he gets home. Most of us that have been abused and got out will not be able to support a decision to stay in the relationship.

Be that it may to the ones about us being stupid. yeah I guess we all were at one time for allowing it to happen the first time.

Our bodies and souls do not BELONG to NO man but the main man.

Well, I said I would give him a chance to see if he had changed. So I did. And he did change for the better; however, there was still some lack of respect on his part and I refused to later that B.S. anymore. I kept warning him but he did not listen; did not take me seriously. I knew if I stayed at home there was no getting away from him. I knew I'd probably just keep accepting him into my life even though he made me unhappy at times. So, about 2 months after he got out, I left and moved to Texas. So here I am now. I hate it here and want to go home. But it's not time yet. He and I still talk and are still "together". I do love him but in order for me to be myself again, I had to leave. Otherwise I would lose myself in him again and I do NOT want that to happen.

Hi Yogi........congratulations.....I am so glad you are safe....Do you have some friends in Texas...I hope so...does he know where you are?.....Hun...you have made a very brave, important and necessary decision....but you've got one more to make....and that is to cut off all comunication with him....He is going to resent you for leaving him....and please know that no matter what he is saying, promising on the phone...once you're together this is not going to be the end of it...

Please keep coming here and venting and talking this out....you can get some counseling at the local battered women's shelter....no that is not extreme it will give you the support and help confront your denial...You left for a reason....now please hang on and follow through...there are many guys out there that will not put their hands on you or degrade you in any way....and you deserve that....keep us posted....~Cat

Yogi - personally, I'm awfully glad you're in a different state from him - it's a good start. It's hard for them to bottle up that disrespect completely or for too long. . . it is so fundamental that it just keeps peeking out from behind the mask.

Cat is right about cutting off all the communication. As long as you keep the lines open you keep your own hopes alive, and he gets to pour honey in your ears. He will say the right things, and since you are out of reach he can't actually beat on you, but think about whether or not you suspect he's cheating on you. I will guarantee you that he is. And will always continue to. He feels it is his right to have his needs taken care of , and it is not important that you would be hurt by it.

You've shown tremendous strength by leaving before you really got hammered on again. Even though it causes terrible pain to leave, it's a lot better than that awful feeling of deliberately hurt by someone you love, with no way to make it stop. Hold tight to that strength, very tight. It is your grace and your saving.

I really don't mean this to be mean. but, people have given you good advice. I think you are in denial. He needs help and so do you. Why would you want to live or still be connected to such an unhealthy lifestyle?
Some one said break off communication.Take the warning. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this? I am not being mean or nasty. Please get yourself help.I am sure the abuse womans hotline offers and can tell you where to get free counseling. Please do this for yourself.

Hon, he's not joking. . .about making you pay for his imprisonment. Take that to heart! He WILL make you suffer for it.
Just from the brief bio you've given, I guarantee you that this is a guy who ain't changin'.
To be absolutely brutal about it, If you're planning a life with this guy, plan on it being painful, ugly and brief. In the process, he will batter you silly, rob you of your soul, and turn you into something less than a dog until he kills you.
I have never written anything remotely like this before, but there's always a first time . . .
I agree with you nimuay..Just reading your post makes me scared for you and your safety..I dont think h eis joking about making you pay.. He is dead ass serious and you should take everything he says and do seriously. You dont want to end up dead. If he was sorry and had any compassion in him he would be kissing ur ass now but he still tries to put you down.. im kind of shocked that u would have him in jail and still go and visit him..that defeats the purpose of teaching him a lesson anyways to each his own

I've been fortunate in my life that I have never been the victim of domestic abuse. I worked with a lady years ago that was and at almost 9 months lost her baby due to a beating to the abdomen, that she almost bled to death from. Her teeth had been knocked out much earlier from beatings and she had false teeth which she finally quit wearing because he would knock them out as soon as she got them repaired. He was always sorry and repentant whenever he beat her and she always had excuses why it wasn't his fault.

There is a movie from many years ago with Farrah Faucett called The Burning Bed. This was a very graphic movie based on a true story about Domestic Violence. In that case the wife ended up killing the husband after years of abuse from him. The movie was excellent, I'm sure the book would be better. It was very hard to watch and there have been several movies on the same issue. Watch some of those, see those women what they are dealing with then ask yourself do you want to be in their place, because it sounds like you were.

He may have changed, but study his actions, know the behaviors of abusers and see how many of them fit him, take your time and don't hurry such a major life decision. If he's truly changed he will understand.

I am sorry too . I have somthing here that is interesting:

Written by Fiona McColl

Emotional manipulators get extra marks for subtlety. A patronizing, mind-f^$#er can bend and twist and warp but somehow after a period of time they set off the ol’ bullshit meter. An emotional manipulator is smoother. You’ll have to adjust the sensitivity of your bullshit meter to escape unscathed. What is emotional manipulation? Well, emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just plain ol’ screw you over. If the emotional blackmailer is any good, he’ll having you offering to bend over and be fucked one more time, "anything you want dear." Lets talk about how an emotional manipulator works and how to recognize the game (because it very much IS a game) so you can reset that BS meter and safeguard against possible attack.


Here is link to the rest of the story http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/eighteasyways.shtml

I don't understand how victims are getting to visit them in jail. Can someone help me on this. I can't even write him or he write me. Please help.

Most victims can't visit. Some do manage before they get to prison, but once they've been moved to prison there are usually full safeguards.

All the advice is good advice. I need to ask a question. Do these men love us when they are being controlling? I can't find the answer to that question. Mine in in jail for assault and I can't see him and probably we will never see each other again. I can forgive if he gets help, but I think he will be very angry with me and never want to see me again. I know I need to move on, but it is so hard to lose someone you loved so much and can have no contact with them. I have no way of know how he is doing. I guess he still has control over me.

Personally, I don't think these men know what love IS. They "think" they "love" us. The whole definition is from another planet.
Try not to worry about him; he'll be as fine as he ever was. Do you, as they say.

I remember that feeling.:grouphug: I use to believe life wouldn't go on if he wasn't the center of my life so I mourned it for awhile but then moved on. ;)
Try to use this time to focus on you and what you want out of life. :thumbsup:

cher/joe, Haswtch gave you the basic answer. Love? No chance. Deep attraction to our victimhood. Yes.

My boyfriend and I have been together (on again off again) for almost 3 years now. I do love him but he is a very difficult person to be with. He is going to be 32 next month and he as been locked up off and on since he was 10. He has anger issues and fidelity issues. He has put me through A LOT of B.S. He had physically and emotionally hurt me quite a few times. He is in prison now because of what he did to me. I tried to be the "cool" girlfriend that would put up with his crap and not call the cops but he finally drew the line when he choked me unconscious while I was driving. I was only out for a few seconds but still!!! And I was stopped at a red light. But i thought he wanted to kill me so i went to the cops and now he's back in prison. And i had never ever went to the cops before. And he has done some pretty awful crap! We are still together. I go visit him every weekend. We are planning a life together. But, every once in awhile (like today at visiting) he'll bring up how it's my fault that he's locked up. This makes me sooooooooooooo....... F&*$ING mad!! I just brush it off and ignore it in order to avoid an argument. But HOW COULD HE BE SO DAMNED IGNORANT AND STUPID TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT I AM THE REASON??!! I DON'T THINK HE HAS EVER HEARD OF THE TERM ACCOUNTABILITY!!!!!!! I have never spoken to anyone of this. I can't really. I'm starting to get really frustrated and want to know if anyone has ever been in this type of situation. I do want to say that he does have his good qualities and does want to change and is making an effort to do so. It's just makes me upset when he "jokes" about how I'm gonna pay for him being in prison.



First off let me start by saying that what happened to you is so close to what happened to me I thought I was reading a post from myself. Now as far as him telling you constantly it is your fault, that worries me. That makes me believe that when he gets out you will be BACK IN THE SAME PLACE YOU STARTED. Think about that next time you see or talk to him Does he still have the anger in his voice he used to? Does he still talk to you the same way he used to? If so, he HAS NOT CHANGED. My man mas been locked up since March of 2007. He has never once blamed me for putting him there. he accepts responsibility for his actions and takes steps everyday to change who he is. And that does not mean simply going to anger management and domestic violence classes. Someone can beat the same information into your head everyday, but unless you want to change, you won't. I hope you both can find God, because that is the only thing that keeps my feet on the ground today. My man and I pray together and read the same bible verses before we go to bed. They say when two come together your voice is stronger. I have done all I can to change myself. I used to be a violent person. To be honest with you, he did not hit me first. I punched him in his eye one night and swoll it up. From then on life was down hill. He felt I did not respect him. Being in jail most of his wife and being 30 contributed to his anger. You are a product ofyour enviroment. I have found a new found love of myself and others. i remember being so angry, so down right mean and wrong to people. Many times I feel like what he did to me was God giving me a wake up call. I am a better person today then I was a year ago, or even six monthes ago. Without going through what I did, i believe I was headed in a downward spiral. I made sure though to finish school and keep my life going, with or without him. Nothing will ever take away the love I have for him. The experiances we have shared can never be replaced. BUT I WILL BE DAMNED IF ANYONE EVER PUT THEIR HANDS ON ME AGAIN, AND VICE VERSA. Please stay safe, have faith in yourself, have faith in God, and find true friends to lean on. You will make it, I promise. I wish you and your man the best. i hope he can change. He surely has a strong woman by his side. Let me know if you need anything.


Best Wishes,
Candice

God i wished i had met you folks YEARS ago! It still amazes me that i stayed BLIND for so long! I really believed people would never be so cruel and cunning even when i was EXPERIENCING it!
You know, im actually afraid to ever get involved again because im sure i'd just attract the same kind of guy. and i dont know if im lying to myself, but i sure seem happier on my own. I cant wait to get a dog again!(the CANINE kind!) lol!

Listen to the warning signs and while he s in prison get yourself together and leave this man alone. Move if you have to and make a life for yourself somewhere else. He may be a nice person and have good qualities but the fact is he hurts you girlfriend. Nobody is allowed to hurt you and you have to keep telling yourself-it's not your fault and he has free will and he made the choice to put his hands on you and hurt you. That is not and should never be acceptable by you sister!
You can love him from a distance if need be but it sounds like he already is making plans to make you pay for his mistakes and that is not a sign of change it is a sign of denial. Save some money up and get yourself together. Tell him you don't want to live like this anymore and for now you have got to go. you will soon see by his reaction that he has not changed. But sister if you decide to stay always have a plan of escape! NEVER let h im put you in a place you cannot get out of ever. Listen to what he says about his self and believe him when he says you are going to pay. that is nothing to joke about. Praying for you! :thumbsup:

I say Ditto to all of the above. Nimuay's earlier posts really spoke to me. I think I've been in denial for years, that I was in an abusive relationship while in college. I left him while pregnant with number #2. (now a college grad, and she's 22). He tried to push me down the stairs after I wouldn't go for an abortion. He had the narcisstic personality, the good looks, the good grades at college. He had "lost" his highschool friends, they said he wasn't the same person they used to hang out with. Shortly before I was due with #2, he wanted to meet me. I did meet him, at a public place. (chinese restaurant LOL). He wanted to be at the birth, I held my ground and said , no. I didn't want an abuser to be the first to hold our daughter. (or ever!). When I called him to tell him he had a daughter, his latest girlfriend was literally in bed with him. Fast forward- he bragged how he had been with prostitutes, because I was no better then a "dead African zitsi fly in bed." (now, my husband of almost 20 years would say that is not true!). His narcissism carried over into our bedroom as well, I'll be polite and leave it at that. Fast forward again- he broke into where I was living, and spit on my face. I asked him how he could do this, and his reply, "easy, and he did it again." I had no contact with him, but he fought to see the kids. He was allowed visitation, fast forward again, son now 6, daughter 3, he molested them. We went to the dr's, we went to counseling, and we got a good lawyer. (we-my husband and I). His parental rights were going to be terminated in about 1 hour. He gave up his rights, that way he could manipulate out of paying almost $27,000 in back child support. Fast forward again- several years, he came back and sued me for slander! That only ended 2 years ago. Manipulation followed into that court room as well, we would be scheduled to go, and he would claim an "emergency" and it would be cancelled that morning. I ended up in the emergency room going thru that time, with 2 ulcers! I'm not a weak woman, I have a great support system, but he had shaken me to the very core of my being. I had to keep reminding myself that Jesus is at my right hand, therefore I will not be shaken. Fast forward again- my son with him is in prison, long term. He sadly is narcisstic and shows no respect for authority, he appears to have no conscience, that breaks my heart more then his father ever could....
My "college sweetheart" and I met in 1977. Sooo, he has tried to control me for almost 31 years!!!! He has never layed eyes on our kids, since the day they disclosed the abuse. My eyes seeing him in court, makes me literally feel sick. I always wonder when the next shoe is going to drop, it's his pattern, years go by, and it's quiet, then I hear from some slim ball laywer. I wonder how he is treating his wife--- and worse yet, his 11 year old son. They hide well, behind their upper middle class, pretty neighborhood, their good jobs, private school, good education.
I share this with you for one reason- if this can happen to me, it can happen to you, run, run as fast as you can, change your address, cut the strings now, and don't look back, ever!!!! Let yourself be a blessing to someone who deserves you.

It's so hard to tell a woman that her man is abusive and he is not or is very likely not ever going to change and expect her to believe it. It seems so simple, so obviously clear as to what a person ought to do in an abusive situation. But then there comes Denial and we are up against the rail. I've been there and made all the excuses, rationalizations that most make. I fell really hard and landed even harder on the truth of my relationship.

For everyone here that is still struggling....Yogi...honey....please listen to the warning signs that have been outlined for you. A man that chokes you out and then blames you for his being in prison, is a dangerous person. He is demonstrating his inability to have empathy. Meaning, he doesn't feel you, he doesn't feel what you went through, scared out of your mind that you might just die any minute. He can't...he's broken. You, nor any professional can fix that kind of broke. Sooooooo, please be very careful, he's a time bomb...and guess what you're his target. I just hope if you hear these words enough times you'll realize what you're dealing with.....We really care about you and want you to be safe....~Cat

There is a saying, once an abuser always an abuser. Just as once a cheater always a cheater. No woman deserves to be treated like that by a so called man. A REAL man does not ever hit a woman period!!! My older sister was beat down for years by her now finally ex. Thank god she got away alive. Think about it!!

I have never posted in this forum before, so I hope you all dont mind my butting in. Ive also been in an two abusive relationsips and they scarred me deeply. My ex husband was emotionally abusive - horribly so. I felt like I was nothing - literally. Years and years of being told what a failure I was. Then I went from him to a phycially abusive boyfriend. He was the nicest guy too...except when you pi$$ed him off or he had one too many. Everytime he picked up a bottle I knew I had a beating coming. My oldest son would see a lot of the abuse and I would send him back to his room until it was over - makes me wonder how much of this helped form who he is today (although he has never been a woman abuser). I still to this day cannot be around anyone who is drunk - the fear is overwhelming. I shake uncontrollably and wince everytime they make a quick move. Years of counseling helped wake me up and make me a stronger person. Never again will I be in that spot. Unfortunalety - it has also soured me from relationships - I cant ever seem to trust a man and I end up walking away before they get close - Ive seem to build a invisible barrier and when they try to cross it, its "see ya". I have resigned myself to being single and enjoy every minute of it.

My point in all this...is be very careful. My ex'es to this day still do not take accountability. Oh we went thru our "Im sorry's and I'll never do it again" and all the reconciling. Nothing helped. Please do what you can to help yourself, and like legs52 said...always have a plan of escape..ALWAYS. Talk to the Domestic Assault Shelter people...they gave me a lot of tips that were invaluable - even let me stay anomoymous (sp?)...Just please please be careful. The scars that this stuff leaves is not only physical but ingrained so deep... My prayers are with you no matter what path you choose. My gut instict tells me to tell you to run, but I know how it is to be in a abusive relationship - they are not easy to walk away from and that is their goal - to make you emotionally dependant on them and feel responsible for the abusive. It gives them their power.

But i thought he wanted to kill me so i went to the cops and now he's back in prison. And i had never ever went to the cops before. And he has done some pretty awful crap! We are still together. I go visit him every weekend. We are planning a life together. But, every once in awhile (like today at visiting) he'll bring up how it's my fault that he's locked up. This makes me sooooooooooooo....... F&*$ING mad!! I just brush it off and ignore it in order to avoid an argument.....I do want to say that he does have his good qualities and does want to change and is making an effort to do so. It's just makes me upset when he "jokes" about how I'm gonna pay for him being in prison.


He's locked up because you believed that he wanted to KILL you(and considering what he did I would say you're right). Don't feel guilty that you had to contact the police to protect yourself. It's HIS fault that HE'S locked up because of something HE did, if he had attacked someone else and been sent to prison would you think it was the other persons fault?

DV situations are hard to live in and harder to leave but speaking from experience(not my current my ex, it took him beating on me while I was 4 months pregnant and losing the baby to go after 10 years of abuse) leaving is SO worth it. If you don't have children and aren't legally married leaving is a lot easier. Pack your stuff, change jobs, change you phone number, move away and never look back because he's not joking about making you pay, he's planning and keeping you around to make sure you're there to suffer when he gets out.

From what you say, he doesn't want to change, hell he's not even pretending to be sorry he's blaming you while you are visiting him...taking his phone calls...keeping money on his books...

Take that money you spend on him and do something for you. :thumbsup: