The guy that I am seeing is in jail for parole violation but recently I found out some things from his past that are throwing up some red flags. I found out that him and his ex-wife were in an abusive relationship with each other. He even had a protective order put against him. I am not making excuses for him but she did stab him. He said the only reason things ever got like that were because they were in a love hate cycle. He swears up and down things like that will never ever happen in our relationship but how do you know. I am hoping you guys can give me some insight do you believer that a person that use to hit can change his ways, what are some things I should look out for? before he got locked up we lived together for a couple of weeks and I never ever felt like he was losing his cool or going to hit me, I just don't want to get deeper in a relationship if thats where its headed. Please any advice would be great

baxter, hi. well i lived with a man for 10 years and it was very physically abusive, and he was an anger management counselor. sometimes we'd go a pretty long time with out getting into it, but he was unable to change, and i got where i was putting plates of food in his face from time to time so i wasnt ghetting any too well. i have a guy i am close with that i have known many years, and he has wracked up assault charges, i've even seen him beat someone so bad, it was awful. he has never lifted a hand to me but i've had him cuss me up one side and down the other. im not sure on statistics, or if there are even any, but i think really once someone becomes an abuser, they pretty much are going to repeat it. do some bibliotherapy and read up on domestic violence, you have to decide for yourself how to proceed.

I wish I would have talked to my husbands last girlfriend before I got real involved with him. I heard he beat her up pretty bad but his side of the story was that she was the one pushing on him until he broke...yeah right...I learned the hard way.

I believe that some people change. But my ex batterer told me after spending 6 years in jail with no one with him and no lady in his life he had stopped abusing women. He learned to appreciate and respect them. I was 16 years old and felt with my love we could go all the way. BIG MISTAKE! That dude proceeded to beat me in jealous fits, cause he didn't like what i said, cause he didn't like what i had on, etc. And on top of that he wasn't (in the first 3 years or so) really into drinking although he smoked marijuana. So that was just him and who he was. So LSS (long story short) he didn't change. And from what i understand now...because I "broke his heart and took his child away too" (his words) he really doesn't have any respect for women and treats his current wife the same or worse.

So in other words do what i didn't do and look at those flags. Yes I believe some people change in life but batterers... I don't really feel it. Once he hits you it becomes easier and easier for him to do so. Also did he do anything (like seek counseling for himself) or did he just say...blah blah blah. Yeah maybe the ex-wife did stab him but have you spoken to her?...what is her side? I am fairly sure she would say she felt like she had no other choice. I cannot tell you what to do or not to do but if you are smart enough to realize that there might be flags, take heed to that. Go with your gut on it. Your gut is God telling you what to do.

My ex was so wonderful in the beginning of the relationship, everything was honey, sweetie, baby! I was so happy! He couldn't do enough for me. Told me I was wonderful, beautiful etc. He said the other women in his life, including his ex-wife were all physcos. Well, the abuse started with verbal. All of a sudden I was ugly, a big fat slob, big fat pig and who else would want me, etc... It became physical very quickly. Keep in mind that I am not a fighter, very easy going. Eventually I found out that every relationship he was in, was the same. He did his little nicey-nice dance until he had them sucked in and then the abuse started. So abusers never change, they only get worse!! By the way, I am good friends with his ex-wife and she is one of the nicest people I know! Very kind and sweet and caring. He's the phsyco!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just like alot of you ladies mentioned my boyfriend was very sweet to me and i couldn;t have asked for more. I should have listened to his X girlfriend but i also found out the hard way. he goes to certified womens batters courses but tjhey don't really help. He hasnt hit me for about 2 monthes but i hate to say it i know he will do it again. Abusers don't change. Maybe one in a million but once they are comfortable with hitting you they will do it again and again

Amd I am not trying to make light of this subject but how many of you ladies wish that just for 5 minutes you could turn into a 300 pound, 6 foot 6 man, and whip their asses back? I do! (hugs) sokie

Wow!!!!!you described my man perfectly Bondsaigirl.

They really do know how to smooth talk us dont they. But seriously if I had known that my man was an abuser when I had met him I would NOT have even given him the time of day.

Yes he told me his ex GF beat him up, and yes like a sucker I believed him.
That was after we had fallen in love thats what was so mean about him.

Now he is in jail he sends me the beautiful love letters why didnt he tell me he felt that way when I was with him.

All i was to him was a sex slave, when he wanted it I had to deliver. Woe to me if I didnt. (So why do I love him, I dont know anymore) (weeps).

Steffy Sex thing here too. He used to get furious when I said no! Couldn't believe that I would turn down a "good lookin dude like him"! HAHAHAHA! Just too funny!! Anyway, I still put myself through all the bulls***! Why do we love these men? Who knows! They don't deserve our love! THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE IT. THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES.

Bondsai girl I think you and I are gonna be good friends.

I decided today to let my man go and abuse me no more. I actually think jail is too good for him lol.

Once they abuse they always abuse they like the power and control. Makes them feel stronger thats what my counsellor said to me today.

It's not just that they like control and power - we all do, you know. It's just that they don't have any way to feel for other people, no empathy, much like psychopaths.
At one point, when I was pregnant, my husband decided to go to a party. When I said I wanted to come along, he accused me of wanting to get with whoever was going to be there. As soon as I said, well then I would just stay home, he accused me of having some guy just waiting until he left. After we fought through that one, we were having a discussion about homosexuality, and since I see nothing horrible about that, his next remark was "So you mean now I have to watch out for you with WOMEN too????!!!!"
Talk about "no win". He couldn't feel how much I loved him. But he could feel that everyone else on the planet was a potential impediment to me bowing at his throne. And that was the feeling he acted on. Hard.