I don't usually do this, and I am hoping that I can get out of this funk before I post this thread.

But if I don't, well, frankly folks, I need help!

I have been around PTO for quite awhile now, and I have seen the posts Linda made and the support you all have given her. Through her posts I have seen the struggle that she and my family and many of you went through to help bring me home. Yes, I appreciate and am thankful for everything that everyone has done.

But, I am tired, and wonder whether it was/is worth it.

Yes, I am home with my loved ones and by my beloved sea shore. That is the greatest gift anyone could recieve - their freedom - but I don't feel free and the daily battle is really getting to me.

I know, I was so, so fortunate compared to others.....sometimes I wonder though if I would have better off left there? I say no, no, no, no, to myself, then I get smacked again in the face, by something at work or outside, and I wonder.

I am tired of being judged by individuals - who do not know the circumstances that brought me to this place in my life. I am tired of individuals, who say there is an ex-con, why is she so well off in life, why did the state not take everything away from her - they did - everything that ever meant anything to me. But, these people - and one person in particular - don't see that. Linda, my family, my ability to maintain my self-respect and self worth, that was what was taken from me. I lost everything important to me.

If I can't figure out how to defend myself - logically - I may not have employment soon!

This whole experience has reaffirmed what is important to me - my family and my friends including those of my friends here at PTO.

But, was it worth everything, that they did to bring me home. I don't know, I am free physically (with some major restrictions), but mentally I am still in prison.

Am I feeling sorry for myself right now - you don't have to answer that - I am, I know it.

Am I being selfish, yes, and I know it.

But, what do I do - I don't know. I'm tired, I'm afraid, and I am really, really confused right now.

When I was in - all I wanted was to come home - now I don't know what I want.....?

No, I am not going to throw all of Linda's, my families, and friends efforts away. I made a promise to myself and another PTO member and I intend to keep that promise. The promise was to work my program for probation and do it successfully and I will do that.

I won't throw it all away, I am just tired and need someone to listen.

God Love You all,

Patti

I'm Listening Patti.......... I need to listen to you because I know your thoughts and your words will help me understand my husband when he comes home.

So now......I'm listening.....but what can I DO to help?? What can I say to make it better? Or is your getting it off your chest enough??

Sally

A big hug for you Patti! If I were you, I'd go sit by the sea and let that awesome power recharge and refill me for awhile. You can't let small, mean minds overwhelm you. You belong out here, you don't belong inside. The Power that keeps that ocean within its bounds brought you out here where you belong or you wouldn't be free. You can draw on that power to regenerate your strength.

Sally,

Thank you

Right now I want to get my feelings out in the open.

I am just so scared right now, with life in general. I don't know what to do, or who to turn too.

I wish, I knew how to express my fears, I don't want to go back - ever! But, I am afraid of life here to.

I think most of all I am afraid of failure.

Sally I hate this I have always been confident and able to handle situations, I am lost on this right now.

Does that make sense?

Patti

Thank you, toi

When i read your post, the first thing that I thought of was this story that I had sent Frank some Time ago.........
I think it shows how so many of us feel. Take Care Dear, sending hugs and warm thoughts your way.............. CJ

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, who would like this $20 bill? Hands started going up. He said, I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, who still wants it? Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, what if I do this? And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. Now who still wants it? Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to
those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it.
Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Patti--

Unfortunately we can't control other people's mouths or judgemental attitudes they may have... I always try to think..."there but for the grace of god go I.." I would never want to be that negative and judgemental...

Life's too short to live that way. Enjoy it. You're out here and you should be just like so many others should be.... Hang in there. We're here for you....

Deb

Guess what Patti? there IS a person on a white horse who can rescue you and that person is yourself. sounds a little to me like you don't want to do the hard work it's gonna take to get you back to the comfortable spot. there are so many tools at hand, take your pick. exersise always does it for me. somehow things look better after a walk. only YOU have the power to make this better. don't give up now, it's all just begining for you.

i can REALLY relate to the ex-con statement. i got a felony for recieving too many food stamps. that's Federal Fraud. you don't ever get to tell your story, you just check the box and get turned down. SO, i had to create my own job, which i have done and it works for me. i don't have much over head.

i wish you luck dear! Alice

Patti,

I understand the fears, I imagine that its a common issue for a lot of people in your situation. The best thing you can do is what you are doing NOW - voicing your fears and not bottling them up!!

Consider what you have done for your family, for Linda and for those of here on PTO whom you have touched and helped. You are FAR from failure.

We all have days when we throw our confidence and self-worth in the crapper for a while. I do it often, but less often now that I have learned to talk about it and not keep it inside.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as the day goes by...I'll be here on PTO on and off checking to see if you need a bigger ear. If there's something special I can do, please let me know.

Sally

iIam not good at giving any advise, but I am here to listen and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

hi there!! while i am not the one who is in prison my guy and i worked together, and since he hs been gone, the gossip and hating and backstabbing at the job has been horrific, great when he worked there and now he is a monster. i have taken extreme heat while he has been away on the job mostly. well i made decision to give notice, he is being released oct 31 and i feel for the sanity of both of us and to move forward it is necessary for me to leave this job. i can not even imagine him working there again and i really do not care if i work there either. i no longer and really never have cared what others think they do not know our hearts and minds. until they all have walked in our shoes they have no valid comments regarding our personal life.


take care and my prayers are with you

carol

Patti

Everybody is being judged one day or another. Whether because they just got out of prison, or because they are gay, or black or jewish or muslim or fat or skinny or poor or or or !!!

That's life Patti, whether you are inside or outside, sometimes you have to fight or stuggle against judgements, name calling or evil gossip.

You have been through so many things, I'm sure you'll win this battle too. Just don't give up. You're not alone, Linda, your family and friends are on your side, and so is your PTO family.

So cheer up girl, take a cool beer or a honey bun or both, and smile. :)

(((((HUGS)))))

Phil xoxo

Listening to your thoughts, Patti, I wonder if perhaps some counseling might help. Just someone to talk to who can help you develop positive affirmations when life seems overwhelming. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I know we all think "When/if he/she gets out...things are gonna be great" but there are a lot of adjustments to be made that we can't know about.

((((((((((((((((patti))))))))))))

I am thinking that what you feel right now is just part of the healing. You have been through so much. something that has helped me when ive wanted to give up in life. Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle.

Hang in there Patti. this too shall pass. It ALWAYS DOES. vent away.

Dear Patty,
I'm going to respond before I read other's responses. First of all Patti you are not being selfish. You've gone thru hell and there is no way things will be the same. You're still recovering from the experience, and dealing with fresh experiences of having others judge you negatively. Think of a person who has just left a war, or other very stressful sitution. You need to be able to talk about it, and you'll probably recover in "layers". Don't put further stress on yourself by blaming yourself for your feelings. And why do you need to explain yourself at work? Is this a boss or co worker? I would think they had all the info they needed in order to hire you, so they should give you your privacy. I'd cut off questions as nicely as you can muster.

I was thinking about something else I learned from my three extended family members in prison. They have all mentioned how it feels to be treated like dirt, without dignity, like they are "less than a man". After our recent visit, the 21 yr old said it was so great to feel surrounded by love and caring, and how homesick he was after we left. I can't believe that living in that circumstance, in a negative environment for so long, does not have an effect on your feelings of confidance and self worth! You are human. Don't blame yourself for how you feel. Just accept that you are just out of a horrible environment and are "destressing" and rebuilding your confidance. I hope this helps Patti. Remember God is always with you and always has been.

CET,

I think you have hit it on the nail. Miss Linda and I just took a long walk. She asked me plain and simple - are you about to sabotage everything that you have worked for?

I don't know, is all I could say.

I worked for this place before my arrest and conviction - some co workers know - most don't, at least that is what I thought - but this individual is next in line for my position - and wants it bad enough to do anything to get it. She knows.

She has made several "complaints" concerning me. I have been reassured by my boss that I am in no jeopardy, but I can't trust anymore. Not there anyway.

It is just to the point that I don't even want to go to work again tomorrow. No job, well, loss of freedom = me letting Linda, my family and friends, PTO, and most importantly myself down.

I do feel like I am shell shocked from this. I just can't deal with it anymore.

This stress, add the stress of not knowing if Linda and I were going to have a house after Isabel and some other family matters. I am tired.

My old Pastor joined Linda and I on our walk, we went though the neighborhood again - to see the damage that Isabel brought to Hampton Roads. Marti kept repeating about rebuilding our lives.

To answer Linda's question - no I am not going to sabotage our rebuilding.

I am going to pm Alice and ask her about getting my own business started - go back to my psych - and get up in the morning and do it again until I can leave that place.

Patti

PATTI HON JUST HANG IN THERE IT WILL BE OK PROMISE. IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK LET ME KNOW

Patti, please don't make any important decisions right now. You have been through a lot lately and the damage Isabel brought only adds to that. There will always be people that will judge you just like Phil said. That is the unfortunate by product of humans. Your seeking counseling is a good choice and letting your hair down and screaming here on PTO is another.

Patti, you can make it through this and past this. Don't keep it in. I believe in you.

Kris,

I would appreciate it. When you can, please pm me.

Patti

Thank you, Everyone, for your support and for believing that I can get past this. Now, I am the one who has to regain that confidence and believe I can make it.

That is the hard part.

I love all of you and you know Linda does as well.

We really need you guys right now, Thank You!

Love to all,

Patti

Patti,
I am truly sorry you are dealing with so much right now. I understand how hard it is. You can make it through this. Try to take things one day at a time. Don't worry about yesterday, that is in the past. Don't worry about tomorrow, it is a waste of time and energy. Our power is in the present moment. All we can control is this very moment we are in right now. Think about the blessings in your life...Linda, your children, your niece, your parents, all your many friends here at PTO. Whenever a negative thought enters your mind, acknowledge it for what it is, only a thought and a thought can be changed. Focus on the good in your life, be grateful for it, and remember always that you deserve the highest good. You can't change anyone else, or what they think of you. But you can change the thoughts you think about yourself and your life. I think it is a great idea to see your counselor, and to exercise, and to talk to Linda and your friends. You have many people who love you dearly, and want to help you. I am praying for you and Linda.

Carol

Its ok, have a "pity party," you are entitled . Walk on the beach, cuddle with your partner, have a bubble bath, do whatever it takes to make you feel better. I know I am not strong everyday and life sneaks up and kicks me in the as* when I least expect it sometimes. Its a tough road to travel. But its all one big test I figure. Believe me, I should have straight A's in tests by now lol.

You have been through so much and you are trying sooooo hard to rebuild, and you know what? YOU WILL! You are so loved and so supported and it will happen. It will all come together.

Please look after YOU right now.

Sending love and positive thoughts.

Gillian

Carol, Thank you, Linda and I are with you in prayer and spirit this week.

Hugs

Patti

Patti, I agree with all the above. Everyone has down days and negitive thoughts from time to time, and you'll probably feel this way again sometime, YOUR HUMAN!!! and a damn good one at that. I've felt everything you've described a thousand times but it's how we deal with it.You've come on PTO and shared your feelings with all,I wish I was able to do that. And, look how much you've been through! I think your doing a wonderful job and your such an open and honest person. Tomorrrow is a new day and I pray that you'll feel better.

Love Valerie

Dear, dear Patti ... you are such a strong woman and have "survived" so much in the last few years ... what you have and will be through is enough to bring most down ... but, you haven't failed ... just look what you have been through in just the last few days ... I can't imagine what the stress load of that, not knowing when you left your home, if there would be anything to come back to, something that you have worked so hard for for years ... I would venture a guess that with all things added that you may be somewhat depressed, I urge you to speak of this with your Dr./counselor tomarrow(?) ... this woman at work ... Patti, you have worked there and EARNED your position, your boss has reassured you but, you are afraid still ... hun, that is the most natural thing in the world and although I've not been in prison, I would think that alot of that fear relates to not having any control there or even any real control over your life right now ... from all I have read so far on here and other places, shaking this "institutionalized" rational/reality/mind set is something that will take quite some time, sadly ... trust in your "self", in Linda and the love of the rest of your family ... Patti, I would really like to speak with you by phone, if you'd care to, please PM me your # and the best time to call ... don't give up on your self, this too, shall pass ~
my prayers are with you ...
******** HUGS }}}}

okay , i agree , u have paid your debt , u will have bad days , and with isabel ect , everyone is stressed out ,
i also understand how u dont want to disappoint those that have supported u while u were down and out ! its human nature to feel that way , and people are people , scared of the unknown , and many scandelous to get what they want ( in ref to the girl at work that knows ur past and has made complaints ) keep ur head up , it will work out .

i am on the other side of this coin , my friend made a mistake when we were 18 , ( 36 now ) he just came home , i was using my contacts to get him a job , and folks looked at me like i was crazy , yes he killed someone in a drug war , yes he paid 18 years of his life , do i trust him , yessssss , if i vouch should they , i think yes , but some dont , and we just have to keep steppin ,

u wil be fine , from what i read , u have great family and friends and of course , PTO !!!!!!!!

Patti - accept yourself for who you are...human. Your "successes" and "failures" make up the being in which you are now and will become. Give youself time to heal from this pain. With the love and support of your family and your extended family here at PTO, you will persevere in your quest for balance.

"To conquer oneself is a greater victory than to conquer thousands in a battle."
-Buddha

With regards to the people at your place of employment, I have another quote for you...

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

We're all here for you. You'll be in my thoughts.

Michelle

Hi, all!

I wanted to tell everyone that I am in a better place today. Things went well today, and I feel like I can handle this. My Dr. and I have an appointment on Friday. We have decided to do this twice a week starting next week.

Everyone here, is helping me put this in perspective.

We all have our down days, I have been a having a few this last month.

Today at lunch, I sat down and listed the good things in my life and the not so good things.

I realized that I have been more than Blessed.

Top of the list of the good - is Family - I have not met any of you in person - but I consider many of you here at PTO part of my extended Family.

Michelle, on my desk at work and at home I have a book of quotations that I have written down over the years. Tonight I added the two that you gave me to my book. Thank You for this gift of wisdom!

Cheena, Thank you, for calling and sharing, you made today much brighter - and you reminded me - as has everyone who posted that I am only human.

To everyone - my PTO Family - I Love you all.

I want to share something that I had forgotten, that Alice reminded me of last night.

I will try to never forget this again:

"I am not an ex-con, I am Patricia Dawn, daughter, sister, mother, aunt, and someone who is loved and loves.

I need to say that more often!"

I also need to remember....

Thank You All for your gifts of wisdom.

Patti

~ hugs, sweetie ~

PLEASE REMEMBER THOSE THAT JUDGE HAVE PROBLEY DONE THE SAME THING OR WORSE AND THEY JUST DIDN'T GET CAUGHT DOING IT..... YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH A VERY HARD TIME... YOU SEEM LIKE A VERY STRONG PERSON YOU HANG IN THERE AND OUR THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU...

Hello Patty,
I just want to say as long as you keep the faith--There is only 1 person in this world that can judge you and believe me, no matter what others say or think, live your life until that time comes that he's ready to give you that judgement. I will keep you in my prayers. All I say is KEEP THE FAITH IN THE MAN ABOVE..IF it was not from him there would be no you. He gave you a 2nd chance at life, so listen to no one but him.

"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and
thinking what nobody has thought."

"Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas." (Anonymous


"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what others say you cannot do." (Anonymous


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." (Thomas Alva Edison)


"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark." (Michelangelo Buonarroti, 1475-1564)


"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."


"Dreaming of the person you want to be is wasting the person you already are." (Kurt Cobain)


Just wanted to give you a few of my favorite quotes that help me make it through some rough times. I've never been on the inside but I still feel like crawling up in a hole somedays from the cruel actions of everyday people! I absolutely cringe at judgemental people. DO NOT allow other peoples limits and judgements place any barings on your goals. If you become beaten down and intimidated by small minds, you will lose the special qualities within yourself. Get to know yourself, your goals, your dreams and then light a fire in your spitirts that no one can put out! It is called re-inventing yourself. Do not allow anyone to take away what is rightfully yours.............and who are they to say that it's not???!!!

When I posted this thread, I was in a horrible place both emotionally and spiritually.

We all have our days, every single one of us, but the PTO family proves to me on a daily basis that we all care what happens to others.

I have been blessed with a loving, caring, and gentle partner, Linda. I have been blessed with the love and strength of the family I was born into. Especially my Father, his strength and love for all five of his daughters has got us through many a tight spot.

I have been further blessed by a family, a family who are related by the circumstances that they endure.

Whether ex-felon, currently in prison, or having a loved in prison, those of my PTO Family show, not only to Linda and I, but to everyone in our PTO Family, love, kindness, compassion, and courage.

What we have here is the true meaning of - family.

It is said that you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.

Who ever said that was wrong, I picked my family here at PTO. I hold each and everyone of you, whether a new member or an oldtimer, close and dear to my heart. You are just as much my family as the one I was born into.

Thank You, Everyone in our PTO Family

Linda and I Love you all,

Patti

I hope you get over this soon. These people who judge you are mere mortals, so dont take it too personally I hope. I am going in next week, so I will get a taste of it myself.

Patti, yes, it was worth it, ya want to know why, cause no matter what society says, they do do not know who you are and only base their facts when wanting only to judge. YOU and LINDA are very much loved. You have much support and much love. YOU are a wonderful person and that alone makes it all worth it. you dont let any one tell you any diffrent.

Patty, When I read your Post I wanted to cry! You have every right to feel sorrry for yourself if you want to! And I say to Hell with what everyone else says or thinks! Someone here posted a suggestion to you to go down to the shore and think. I second that suggestion, go down there and walk, think, look at the ocean, AND SCREAM OUT ALL OF YOUR FRUSTRATIONS!! AND CRY, CRY, CRY IF YOU WANT TO!! Try not to care about what other People say and think about you. I know that may be hard for you to do, but at least try it! I dont know if you know this, but I also did time! And I went through the same thing being called a EX-CON! When I first got out I didnt think I would ever be able to find a Job. But God opened doors for me. And He can do the same thing for you! Pray and talk to him! Its Ok to take time for yourself and to have a good cry and feel sorry for yourself, its ok that is, as long as you eventually GET BACK UP AND GO ON!!! Im sure Linda wouldnt want you to lay down and give up for good! Patty, If you dont believe nothing else, you can belive this, I KNOW FIRST HAND HOW HARD LIFE CAN BE AT TIMES! I AM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME FINANCIALLY RIGHT NOW THAT I DONT KNOW WHERE MY NEXT DOLLAR IS GOING TO COME FROM!! AND I CONSTANTLY WORRY ABOUT IF I AM GOING TO HAVE FOOD TO EAT THAT DAY! AND I AM HERE ALL ALONE AND MISS MY STORMY SO MUCH, ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY TO GOD EVERYDAY AND ASK HIM IF IT IS HIS WILL TO PLEASE LET STORMY COME HOME TO ME!!I AM SITTING HERE CRYING RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE THIS TO YOU SO I BETTER STOP HERE!! Hang in there Patty, by the way, My Name is also Patti, Just spelled differently! I send big Hugs to you!

You will come through this Patti - your strength is in your words and how eloquently you express them. Hang in there...as you say you have good days and bad days and as you know we are all here for you to help you ride the storm. My husband just came home on the 9th and he is so glad to be free but I recall there were days when he was inside and he just wanted to give up but he didn't. I said to him once that I along with his family were there to support him to stand by him and when the crap got too much for him to let us stand in front and take the brunt of it, that when he was too tired to go on that we would be there to hold him up and be his crutches...I am sure that Linda and your family do the same for you - just as everyone on PTO does. Be strong girl you can weather this. I suspect that I am posting long past the time when you first raised this trouble spot in your progress but it never hurts to have positives sent your way. Just remember that God bring people in and out of your life for a reason so even those that are being negative towards you are there for a reason...perhaps they are there to challenge you to see how deep your strength and your desire for freedom is...don't let them win...be the one to triumph.