i dont know where to begin yall...just let me try please.
i divorced my husband in 1997,met my fiancee in 1999.i went through drama proving to him that i wasnt sleeping with my ex-husband.finally i told him point blank that if i was sleeping with my ex he would have been glad to tell him about it.so he relented.
although my exhusband still fought on me my fiancee protected me.with my smart azz mouth and my cocky ways it wasnt long before he beat my azz too.i admit i would push him to the limit sometimes to see if he would or not.after the first time i knew anytime i fukked up he would do it again.sometimes i couldnt help myself talking shyt to him and he would get drunk,mad(yea he was using).after we had been togetherfor 3 yrs my exhusband slipped me a mickey in am attempt to have sex with me i suppose cuz i woke up on the floor-crazed and wild.honey he couldnt have gotten between my legs if he wanted to!from that i was hooked on the crack.thats when i found out my fiancee was smoking crack.he begged me to not use but i had already been slipped and i told him he can get the hell out of my life.i felt like he was using(but i wasnt sure)and he couldnt tell me shyt.after crying and begging me to not go that route he resigned all he could do was protect me from the turmoils of crack.he went to jail about and i continued to use and i got misused.everything he said came true.all the friends he had ...some of his family couldnt wait to get to me and me being strung out i wasnt able to fight them off.after he had been in for a year i went to rehab.when i got out i stayed at my ex husbands house for 1 month cuz my home wasnt fit to live in.the next month i went to check on my yungest daughter at her fathers house and he was so sick he couldnt walk or talk.he was diabetic and he was an alcoholic.when i got him to the hospital he had 17.9%alcohol in his system.he lived for about 4 days.the day before he was to come home he died having a minor surgery.so two months after i was clean my childrens father died.all i could see was my crack days and the misakes i made.4 months after his death i moved out of state.i wrote to my fiancee and told him i wsa oving cuz we both could not survive bac home.he was saddened by it but he knew i needed to relocate.got a couple of family members up here but nothing to call major support.it is just good to not be up here al alone.anyway bac to the story we both were crack addicts when he went in.he begged me to get help cuz as a woman i would be used and he couldnt protect me-he didnt get me started but he wouldnt leave me as i chose the drug over him.
after he went to prison i continued smoking crack for 1 year before i went to rehab.after i got out i went to the only source i had-my exhusband.i stayed at his house for 1 month cuz i had depleted my home.so me and the kids were at his house.recall i hadnt slept with my ex husband none after the divorce but i did sleep around during the hunt for my drug choice.after i got up here i couldnt keep the secret anymore.bac home he was being told anyway.after i told him i had a secret he had to know.he couldnt let me come to terms of telling him i was a crack h*e.so i stopped writing to him cuz thats all he cared about.when i did tell him he acknowledged it,comenced to finding out what he could.yall he wanted to know every detail and i told him to go to hell.i wasnt going to degrade myself to him cuz the shame and guilt i had was more than enough.i finally told him i couldnt even write to him cuz it had taken control of our communicating.he said that he wouldnt bring it up anymore.and he hasnt either.the thing is i had a buddy up here and i told him about him.he hit the roof!told me he may get in my azz.hell if i got nothing but a azzwhipping to look forward to then i wont be around.i was wrong to tell him at all.i never wanted this to happen.i didnt plan any of this.my fiancee is probably motivated by his anger by now.i havent writen to him in about 2 weeks.well i got 6 letters that i havent even mailed to him.i dont see whats the use cuz thats not what he wants to talk about.i doubt if i leave him cuz he may whip my azz...hell if he can cuz i aint never took it quietly and i wont.i dont want to fight anymore and he promised we wouldnt.now i dont know.i do know that he wont let it go.every since i came to this site i withheld our fighting to this extent cuz i dont want t be the one to knowingly admit i will take my azzwwhipping if it comes to it but he gone take something too.i know how domestic violence is and i feel so fu**ed up in the head for even knowing it may happen and for accepting it may happen.it doesnt matter that i will fight bac.it doesnt matter that he will use a
belt instead of his hands.it only matters that i seem to accept my consequences as they come.i only ran across one woman who confessed her abuser and how he was yet she still loves him.i was very adament telling her to leave but i cant percieve me leaving my own fiancee when i
know he will hold on to everything i told him until he gets out.he isnt gonna take into consideration any of the reasons that led me to do the things i did.i have been tempted to tell him that because of crack his azz in prison when he should be at home.i know being sarcastic like that will hurt him to the bone and i dont want to hurt him like that.
i know i cant throw that up in his face like that buti so want to.could this be the beginning of me growing up or am i just fooling myself?i dont really need any feedbac.when someone gets feedbac telling them how its gonna be when he gets out i know exactly what it means for me.unless he comes to grips that i am only human.
so my mind is in a fu**ed up state adn i dont know how to even begin accepting him not in my life.as it is i dont comment much anymore because i need to understand myself.at this point i dont even feel worthy of this site.yall here are trying to educate women (men)and i feel like i dont belong here anymore.
i have been sitting here debating if i should submitthis thread.it makes him seem like a monster and it makes me seem like a fool.if i do get brutal responses i wont even reply bac because i will only prove how foolish and stupid i can be.also how can i change my name cuz after this i dont want to be known anymore in case i need this site again-which i know i will.

Queen, the simple fact is that you are an addict. That makes a fool of everyone, so maybe some days you need to go to the addiction forum and talk to a few of those folks. . .a lot of them have cleaned up and are holding together.
My thoughts really center on the idea that you're more worried about Jamie than about you. It sounds like a re-focus on organizing your life - maybe getting back to school, doing some visiting at the domestic abuse counselor, becoming really solid and stable, doing some NA meetings - might be worth trying. It's really not about Jamie. It's about BECOMING/BEING the queen you have named yourself to be!
Other than that, you always belong here, hon! Hugs!

NO LOVE I AM A RECOVERING ADDICT.i have been clean for 2 years and 2 months.i will be in this struggle for the rest of my life because i believe once you THINK you beat the drug and FORGET about how it changed your life you become vunerable to relapsing.i dont parade my past usage of the drug to everyone, just ones who are sincere in wanting to know what happened to me and the many ways it can go.but i do use it to further my recovery.i will never shun that part of my life because it happened.so love once again I AM A RECOVERING ADDICT as opposed to A RECOVERED ADDICT.
i thought that just like in my womens group i can mention how the drug influences me
to propel to my greatness.i also thought that PTO was good enough to hear it also.guess i was wrong abut that.
i know the road that crack took me down.i stressed the part the drug played in my life-nothing else.at the time i was using, crack played a very big part of what i did-bac then.and because of it being what demoted me from 2003-2005 of course i mentioned it.thank you none the less for thinking because i mentioned what my problem was BAC THEN you think i am an addict today.honey you couldnt be more wrong.why is it that my mention of the drug stood out to you rather than what i was tryin gto say?try not to misconstrue what i say AGAIN.i was trying to convey something more important than i used to smoke crack.i guess it was lost to you.what exactly made you think im a crack addict today?

oh and let me clarify that when i said i use it to propel to my greatness,i meant it as i dont let the shame and guilt keep me from speaking out about it.

and i am a college student majoring in LIBERAL ARTS.i do attend some meetings but my main support is GOD'S HOUSE.i have nothing against the groups but i find it more beneficial to me to incorporate GOD'S LOVE and HIS WORD against the drug.yes i worry abut JAMIE.sometimes more than myself.i worry abut my children more than i worry about JAMIE.that doesnt mean i demean myself.this refocusing you are talking about,im sure im not the only one on this site have to/had to refocus our lives.but HUN you got my post all wrong.in truth since you cant see it-my post was about my fiancee holding all our drama-my actions,my mistakes,his incarceration inside and letting it eat him alive.maybe i disclosed too much information in too much depth to get my point across.i know i mentioned 2 or 3 different things-my ex-husband,me and JAMIE'S fights and misunderstandings,and the drug use.yes love those two years were the worst in my life and if i dont do nothing else about it I WILL SPEAK UP ABOUT IT.

Wow, hun - got you ROLLING eh? I made the comment about addiction only because your post said that posting it might make you feel like a fool - that's all. Not that addiction was your current way of life. Or that you were foolish. I've got a brother who is an alcoholic, pretty much recovered and well into a fulfilling life and 20 years of sobriety, but he still calls himself an alky. He teaches, has a wife, 2 kids and a mortgage, but he still feels how easy it would be to become an active alcoholic again, so he keeps thinking of himself as an alky because he can't get ambushed that way. So that's what I'm used to hearing, and none of it was meant as nastiness! Promise!

oh you would know it if i was rolling on yo azz girl!for your information i wasnt talking about my past drug use making me feel foolish-i was talking about the feelings about me and him working it out when clearly i know domestic violence hardly ever can be rectified unless changes are made.you seem to be checking everyones posts and commenting in that little sarcastic way of yours and i have noticed it for awhile now but this is the first time you ever struck the wrong advice with me.i really dont even need you to comment on ANY OF MY POSTS cuz HON,you dont care about any of us on this site.ive noticed you come off as caring and sensitive but then after a while you got to be sarcastic with your advice.so for me your advice isnt wanted or tolerated!as for your brother im happy for him to have gotten his life together.and as for the part going to school HON i am in school.if i learned one thing from this site it is if you dont have nothig positive to say dont say nothing.its people like you that spoil the whole damm orchard(not just the basket).if you really cared you wouldve commented on the point i WAS making and not trying to be cute.i just read another comment of yours.the lady wanted advice and you blatantly told her that ehr husband must be starting a harem-was that funny to you?-cuz i could tell the woman needed someone to talk to not make light of her situation.like i said between me and you DONT COMMENT OR GIVE ADVICE TO ANY OF MY POSTS and I WONT POST TO ANY OF YOURS.and that is to keep down trouble.

Hi Queen,

I'm trying to come up with the right words here that you won't become offended by. Honestly, I did not see anything wrong with what nimuay wrote. BUT...that's not why I'm writing. I myself have never been an addict of anything, but I HAVE been in a very abusive relationship before my husband was locked up. He used to beat me pretty badly. He's been home for 6 months now and has never laid a finger on me. Time will tell though.

I think you telling your fiance everything that you did was a good choice. I'm sure you felt better afterwards, but I also know the scary feeling of the reprecussions he will expect of you once he comes home. Very scary indeed. I'm not going to tell you to leave him, because I obviously didn't leave mine, but I think the only advise that I can give you is to stand strong. How much time does he have left, if you don't mind me asking? Hopefully he can take you coming clean to him about those 2 years of your life as a sign that you have nothing to hide from him, and in doing so, you expect him to hopefully forgive you, so you both can move on. He's certaintly not perfect, and I'm sure he made bad decisions also while he was using.

Hope this helps hun...feel free to PM me.

i would like to apologize to NIMUAY for the way i percieved her feedbac my post.
i realize that my feeling the need to jump to my own defense concerning this thread may have altered others decision to give me feedbac.that was not my intention at all and i am just being a bigger person (within myself)to showingly retract some of the things i said by making this public apology.it is sometimes hard for me to take seemingly negative critism especially if i think it undermines my way of thinking about how i percieve myself.not to say that it was meant to be negative.
i am aware that to some i may be classified as an addict-but to me im a RECOVERING ADDICT in that i am no longer actively participating in that temptation that i had.i guess for some it is okay to be classified as an addict but to me, i choose to be classified as mentioned (by me RECOVERING) because that makes me more sure and confident also appreciative in maintaining my sobriety.im sure when all is said and done one may still see their term as the 'politically correct' term than what that person is wanting to be acknowledged as-and thats fine.being that i honestyl believe in theres power in our words,yes i like to define any of my actions (past or present)in a positive light.i wish i had more time to go into why i feel the importance of this as beneficial but i have classes today so i dont hav time.i really just wanted to apologize to NIMUAY.
also thank you INTHESHORT1 for your insight into both of my reasons for posting in the first place.