Get this... AFTER my HUSBAND started serving his 6 year term, his mother told me that he beat up his ex wife. No one told me before I married him. He says he slapped her because she was pulling his hair and kicking him in the balls. But I know her parents called the police. He says I don't need to worry.... He does have anger issues and I already told him he needs anger mgmt classes, he agreed to take them, but now he's in jail. (His sentence is unrelated to violence or anger).
As you can imagine, I can't tell ANYONE this! So I am confiding in YOU and hoping for your response/advice. He says I don't have anythign to worry about. Supposedly he told his mom he "beat the shit out of her" but he told me he slapped her. I do believe he could strike out in anger, but it hasn't happened her, yet...

Well, gee------seems like they could have told you sooner, huh? But maybe they were afraid to tell you before he was locked up because he might hurt them, too. I'm sorry to hear this. I've been in recovery from a long history of abuse for 18 years now and spousal abuse not a cool thing for him to have in his history. Of course he'd minimize it. That's very common. And of course he'd say she brought it on herself and that he's never going to hit another woman. Unfortunately, that's a tough pattern to break and I'd be very cautious if I were you. While he's in prison, you're safe, but it's going to be touch and go when he gets out, so be realistic. My prayers are with you.

No, not cool. From personal experience I believe unless the whole person's being -- belief system and outlook on life -- is totally shaken up and uprooted, the habit of violence is going to be there and will not be stopped. I needed to: a) have my life totally physically disrupted, b) be confronted with love so that I had a changed concept of person / woman, c) have my belief system (false self-reliance/self-importance) knocked down -- i.e. conversion. Now maybe someone else could change with less -- I couldn't have. But one thing I know now -- all things are possible with G_d. All Things. So we pray. :)

Sorry, juliwaits, but they are right. Being with someone who has a history of domestic violence is risky. Yeah anger management is all well and good....BUT it will only work if the person honestly wants it to. He has to make the change within himself. I do legal work for a domestic violence crisis center and work with a great tell-it-like-it-is BIPP (anger mgmt) counselor. I could probably put you in touch with him if you'd like....or maybe your husband when he gets home.

Hi, thanks! I really really believe he's in a different place now. That was over 5 years ago and he was on crack. He does ZERO drugs now. One condition of him dating me when we got together the last time (I've known him since we were 16 and we've dated off and on over 20 years) was NO POT. (that was the only "drug" he was using.) He said, not around you or not at all, and I said Not at All. Surprisingly, he gave it up, and he'd been doing it since he was 15.

One of the concerns I had before dating him, was his anger, and I told him so. That's NOT so easy to change. (Drugs are HARD to give up, but ANGER is something instilled since early early childhood.) He did agree to go to Anger Mgmt but he went to Jail first, so yes, I'll GLADLY take the referral you offered! Send me a private message?

*hugs*
Julie

P.S. Just to clarify, we're married. I told him no pot or i wouldn't even date him. He did. We got married. Everyone is thrilled because we've been in love, just not together, SO many years. I was just waiting for him to get to the stage that he'd be willing to give up the crap and act right. (His crime was committed 4 years ago - so I'm just paying for his bad boy past now.) oh boy!

My first husband's parents never told me of his past until he started abusing their grandchildren. Nice of them, eh? But really, what parent is going to say, "Oh by the way, we raised a real dumba$$. I don't think you really want to marry this guy." Never gonna happen. That's why I tell my daughter when she finally meets the man she's going to marry, have at least a year engagement period. Get to know his parents, family, friends and past girlfriends. I doubt my ex-husband's current girlfriends know of what he did to me and his own kids.

The warning signs are there. Please pay heed to them. I hope that he will get the help that he needs to manage his anger. Anger can be controlled. I know because I used to have a really bad temper when I was younger. But as I became older and more educated the explosive moments decreased. And I learned how to express myself better by being part of Toastmasters, an international group dedicated to teaching people how to speak, whether in the public (in groups) or private (one-on-one) arena.
Let him see that there are positive alternatives to blowing up and hurting himself and others. It will definitely pay off for the both of you. Good luck and you'll be in my prayers.

Juliewaits, you obviously were concerned enough to post this. I think you have been given some very sound feedback. Maybe it has frightened you to hear--but I hope you will receive it. Please be careful.

I am afraid for you--I hope you will be safe.

Julie the fact that he hid this from you is terrifying! I agree with everyone else here...PLEASE be careful. Look for warning signs. I know you have seen some already or you wouldn't have suggested the anger management classes to him. You're right, anger is a hard thing to let go. You're his support system right now. Stay on him when he is able to take those classes...

He says you have nothing to worry about but you seriously do if anger is an issue. Only you will know that he has truly changed, and if you're comfortable spending the rest of your life with him. Please dont settle for "you have nothing to worry about". I was told that same thing AFTER I found out that my ex hit his mother. Not soon after that I was ducking those same blows.

My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers. Keep us posted on how things work out.

Sincerely,

Yasmeen

hi there and im real sorry that your husband put his hand on another human being..in a way that it would cause harm...

anyways, my dad hit my mom...when she was preggo w/me. a few months ago i found this out (from my mom)..and i asked her WHY...she said "it was 1/2 my fault". i just about had an accident in my pants..just because, im sorry it was NOT her fault, she said she was bothering him about something & he "just snapped". well, i hate to say this....but even though i love & miss my dad, thank god he is dead, so he can NEVER EVER hit another woman..again.

anyways....as you have probably seen this before..thought i would post this...now, i am not saying that he HAS been abusive to you...

15 Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

If your mate is displaying a combination of these behaviors, then you may have a potential batterer on your hands.

1. A push for a quick involvement: Comes on very strong, claiming, "I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone." An Abuser pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. Jealousy: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly: prevents you from going to work because ‘you might meet someone;" checks the mileage on your car.

3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to, and where you were; keeps all the money.

4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

5. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble."

6. Blames others for problems and mistakes: The boss, it’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong.

7. Makes everyone else responsible for his feelings: The abuser says, "You make me angry instead of, "I am angry’ or, "You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you." Less obvious is the claim "You make me happy."

8. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is really mad. He’ll rant about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

9. Cruelty to animals and to children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry.

10. "Playful" use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; says he &is the idea of rape exciting.

11. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

12. Rigid sex roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home

13. Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a trotter of minutes or even more confusing, within seconds.

14. Past battering: Admits hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation brought in on.

15. Threats of violence: Makes statements like, "I’ll break your neck," or "I’ll kill you" and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn’t really mean it." If he has come this far, it is time to get help and get out!

Adapted from "Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality", from the Project for Victims of Family Violence. Fayetteville. Ark.

read and heed. they rarely change. i know from personal experience here. i wouldn't hang around to be the next victim.

I feel for you...I think that someone should've had the decency to tell you ahead of time.

My story: My Sweetie abused his ex-wife...however, it was a mutual thing...I'm not defending his actions at all, but his ex did start it most of the time...she would put her hands on him and he'd defend himself...they were both into drinking and drugs, which made everything worse...

I won't tell you that abusers never change...it's possible to change if they want it badly enough...you can't do it for them...

As for my Sweetie and me...he's never, ever raised a hand to me, cursed me, or anything to that affect...we hardly argue either...we've known each other for 6 years--together for almost 4 years and we are doing well. So there is hope....

He also knows that I will never tolerate any abuse...and the first time it happens--he's gone or I am...and there is no going back...no matter how much I love him--I love myself more.

Good luck and be safe,

You'd BE SURPRISED at the things that come out AFTER a woman marries a man. I, myself, was in for a shocker. My husband's no abuser, matter fact, I couldn't imagine him being physically abusive toward me in a million years, and no, he's no fag, but you'd just be surprised, shocked if you will, at the things that come out after the walk down the aisle. Often, the fellaz family won't give you a heads up -- they figure "it's his business, we'll stay out of if, if he wants her to know -- he'll tell her." Question though, have you guys lived together outside of prison. If not, then to be honest, ain't no tellin how things will be when the time comes that you do. These guys have hopes and dreams of doing all the right things after release, so they sell their hopes and dreams to us and when they touch down in society and don't follow thru with their promises and hopes, often the woman will find herself stuck in "hope" land -- always hoping that he will change, and many times, he don't. What I would suggest to you Juli, is that you pray that demon out of him. That every day from now til he come home, ask God to help you, to deliver your husband from whatever abusive ways that may be harbored within him, and that when he get out, just keep on praying. That's all you can do. You can't count on man b/c man will let you down, but often God won't, so, I would place my bet with God and count on God.

I forgot -- very important -- all the while have faith in God that He will deliver for you. Praise him daily and pray to him daily, having faith that He will help us.

honey,get him in church!!

im sorry for your troubles.i would definitely be angry at him for keeping that a secret cuz you deserve to make up your own mind.and his family i wouldn't trust them as far as i could throw them cuz they know right from wrong.damm would they let a blind man walk in the middle of rush hour just cuz its his business?
it was my understanding that yall MWI?if so then your relationship wasnt in the norm of getting to know your potential mate therefore he had a good cover up for someof his past mistakes.what eh should have told you about in the beginning grew to big for him to tell you later and now what?
im sure he remembers the seriousness of his past dv charge with the ex all too well.if he bacslides one time into his anger thats your cue to leave.i can tell you are good inspiration for him but he does need to have the am classes to strengthen his support circle.one person can only do so much.
yall will be alright if he is serious about his change.it sounds like he has had plenty time within the system to realize that dv is taken VERY seriously.i know you said his sentence had nothing to do with dv but he getting first hand where fighting on a woman will get him.

when your husband comes home stay alert to your womens intuition.as far as that past issue i would discuss it in anger management and counselling then leave it for only those times until yall get this whole thing straightened out.it is a touchy situation and he may feel criticized/judged cuz hey he didnt say anything when yall first lay it all out on the table. but it is important to not give up on yall's happiness while yall working on this.and let him know how this affected you (as women of PTO we know some things)
his plate already full from this bid/charge he had to serve then the transition bac into society but right now he got such a deep secret to explain to his wife.honey get your husband in church:BRO&SIS JULI.im praying for yall.

I am currently in the same situation and i feel all alone and scared, see my husband is currently serving a 25yr sentance for murder. it is alleged that he stabbed his ex-girlfried 14 times. I found this out after we were married and never was aware of his past. He abused me twice before. the first time we were on vacation in Georgia and he totally flipped on me and swore that he would never do that to me again, and well let me tell you the night that he was incarcerated in Washington state he beat the crap out of me, i had to go to the hospital for medical attention and well with the injuries i sustained to my head i have no memory of it happening, sometimes in my dreams i have what i want to say are memories but nothing for sure, I have stood by his side throught the whole ordeal but honestly i am very scared. See he told me that i had gotten beat up by 4-5 girls {ex's sisters} but i still till this day don't know the truth and get this i had to report to the police what had happened and now i have to serve 1yr probation for false reporting, but i do believe it was my husband because after he was arrested, i went to visit him to find out what was going on why he had a warrant out of texas and all that stuff and i seen all the scratches that he had on his arm and face.
I still stand by his side, but i live in fear and it's not healthy. I also am confused. But i do believe in the power of prayer and i have faith in god that he will make everything good. We will see. I still love my husband but with the murder rap he has, still not sure.
I am still trying to find out the extent of the crime so i can do some investigating myself.
Stay strong, Love yourself Be safe and God Bless
Ruby Paz

Run and don't look back. My momma always said, if you want to know who your husband really is ask the first wife (if he was married before).

what he done to her he most likely will do to you.

Keep in mind this post was started in 2003~!~

Ruby - it's going to take a lot of time and talk for you to see your way through this in any healthy fashion! You very much need to see a domestic abuse counselor. The fact that murder is what he's in for, along with the several abuses you know about means that this man isn't safe for anyone at any time. Please find a way to talk to someone about this - you don't need to spend 25 years in this very hard life, waiting for a man who really won't be any better when he gets out.

I'm sorry, i am going to take a little bit of his side here. I did not read where you said this was an ongoing thing, just that he beat the shit out of her. Sorry, she was kicking him in the balls. No, it's not right to do what he did and it is not right to hit a female BUT it is also not right for a female to hit a man. You are hearing the mothers side, hear your husbands side. My dad's ex wife was a bitch and would intentionally do crap to cause them to fight and everyone saw it. Then she would start hitting him and everything, was it right for my dad to have to take that kind of abuse, no, but he did. My dad never hit here but Arizona has a 0 tolerance law and instead of taking one they would take both.

Sometimes we want to believe the goodness in people and i am that way, i fear the worst and expect the worst out of this particular situation. I have step children out of this marriage and they love me as i do them. is it very wrong to wish for the best? I know in reality that he will never change and i do believe that maybe {you know} I feel bad for him, i miss the great times and stuff like that but reality thinking is we will end up alone. i feel i love him very much and i feel scared. I am actually in the process of obtaining counseling. I swear it sometimes seems easy but in all actuality it's hard as hell. I feel for his kids.

Ruby, it's not easy; in fact it's terribly hard on your soul. But in the long run, you'll be better and safer and happier. Keep on . . . every step is one more down a better road and a better future.

Gee thanks; let me tell you i was just thinking about all that stuff this morning on my way to work; {my comute is about.30min.} and i feel that we won't be together, im getting older and my kids also, i just fear that when i decide to take that step that my step children don't hate me for it. On the other hand i spoke with my son about this situation {he's 16} and he feels the same as you, he grew up watching his dad abuse me too. See i see the pattern and i don't know how to break it. ****{HELP!!!!}}} but i have to do what is right, it's easier now because he is locked up. He's a good guy and has good character, but it's the jealous rage that overcomes him. but what i know i will miss the most is the good him.
God Bless You & thanks for the words of encouragement
Ruby

Hon, what you don't quite believe is that you can have the good him without the bad him - 'taint so! The good guy is there to woo you, draw you in so that the bad him has a target always available. That's why the good is soooo good.

Keep on with the therapy - with a domestic violence specialist, who knows how to get out of this emotional swamp.

Good luck!

Negative post here, but God only helps them that helps themselves
He can help you but your man has to want help and believe, you can change NO ONE but you

I know that noone can change anyone, but he does not feel he has any kind of problem. To him it doesn't exist. this therefore is the main problem. To want to get help is to admit you have a problem. and he seems to think that he doesn't.
Thanks alot,
God Bless and take care
Ruby Paz

Ruby - if you're interested, read up on narcissistic personality disorder. You'll find out that what you just described is a perfect fit. They just don't believe there's a problem, except you.

I am so desperatly trying to make a clean and safe break, My fear is much more than my strength at the present moment and sometimes i just don't understand that. I sit by myself and think about the whole mess and how it seems that i have everyones support and yet i feel so alone. I watch programs about domestic violence and lived it my whole life and i just don't understand how to stop. I am not feeling sorry for myself or anything like that nor do i want anyone else to feel sorry. I just am truely confused and scared for that fact. I believe in myself to make the right decisions but i feel to cut it all off right away may anger him even more. and i fear the consequences and or reprecusions.
How could someone far away from me have such a tight grip on my soul???
Ruby Paz

I hope you find the strength to leave Ruby. It was a hard choice for me too and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by not giving him another chance. But its just a passing thought for me because I know he will never change and if I was to go back I know the beating I would get whenever he felt comfortable enough that he had control of me again. Those beating I took got worst everytime. The mind games he played with me still have me somedays but I am getting better and understand that I am not what he told me I was. I hope you really do find the strength to leave (hugs) Ruby. Not for everyone else but for yourself, you are worth it and deserve to live your life without fear or being humiliated as they make you feel. Good luck. sokie

Well let me start off by saying thank you for your kind words and i know deep down inside they are all words that are for the best and please believe me they are very much appreciated. I have been talking to another member and she has helped me tremendously. I am so glad that i have found PRISON TALK; because i have had good honest support here. I know deep down also that he will never change {maybe for the worst} Fear has been a major part of my life and has controlled me entirely. and i am so sick and tired of being scared and afraid. Sleep is starting to become something that i can do. Before sleep was the last thing on my mind. Now i know that he won't jump in my window and show up one night. so it's easier. He has dominated my dreams since his arrest last year. I take deep breaths when i write my emails about him because he's a very overwhelming thought. But i fear the consequences and worry if maybe he is sending someone to look for me or if eventually he will do this. I believe that he will be the death of me. I pray every night that god guides me, gives me the strength to stay away. We both know that this horrible cycle always keeps us going back. Speaking with another member here she has done more for me in the couple of emails than the actual counselor that i go and see.
But God willing all will be good. I have since stopped all correspondence and i know right now that he is going crazy. {i feel it} I am planning to move and i just need to do this for my self and sense of security. Mind Peace. he has mind screwed me so long and i am used to that. At one time i felt that he loved me way more than my family, kids, and even my friends. but i see that was all a wishful thinking thought. I am starting to see sunshine in my days and i can honestly say i am smiling more, gaining weight, and feeling some sort of contentment.
So Jean Thanks alot, and Sokiegirl, thank you also. All the support i am recieving i believe is a gift from god. The funny part is he told me about prison talk; because i was trying to help him get out of this situation. but he turned me on to the one place and only people that i can openly and honestly speak to.
Thankyou guys alot
GOD BLESS & TAKE CARE
Respectfully Yours
Ruby Paz

You sound alot like me in ways Ruby, I know fear too. Sometimes I wake up at night in a panic and almost at a full run because of the dreams that I am still there. I'm thankful that my parents let me come home and am even more thankful that my mom stays up and talk to me, even when I say nothing at all she is there. I haven't been out of my situation with my husband very long so sometimes I go back to that way of thinking and become depressed/with crazy thoughts that I should have tried harder. But you know I listen to my mom and she makes sense, we weren't put on this earth to suffer because someone else has issue's or is unstable within themself, thats not what giving and sharing love is suppose to be about. I hope whoever you are talking to here continue's to help you and you too find happiness and a sense of security while walking away. Let's not go back Ruby because it won't get better for us. sokie