Just wondering:

I was in a DV relationship for almost 6 years off and on and when i started DV counseling the counselor kept telling me: "you are not a victim of DV...you are a survivor". Now i have been caught (even here in PTO) claiming that I am a victime of DV but the truth is she is right I am a survivor. A lot of women are not here to tell their stories because they couldn't get away or they left but he found her and ...

So being that God has blessed me to still be here to tell my story and better myself...I realize I am a survivor of DV.

What do you say and consider yourself to be? A victim of or a survivor of Domestic Violence?

I'm not sure. I have to wait to see how things turn out with Pam to see how I feel about it but I can tell you my hate runs deeper everyday. sokie

Hi Sokie...

I hear you but I think you need to let go of the hate. I hated my batterer too but also realized after a while that my hating of him still gave him power and control. I don't know if you've tried DV counseling but it was worked wonders for me...and the fact that you are even here trying to get help lets me know that you are already a survivor!

I understand what you are saying lovin and I don't mean to make this post about me or my problems. (hugs) I am in counseling, or should I say was until Pamela was born now my time is spent at the hospital with her. And yes you are correct to tell me I need to let go of the hate because even my counselor tells me the same but it is easier said then done. I am told at this point that I need to make sure not to have contact of any kind with my baby's father because I am too aggressive and full of rage. That sounds crazy to me but I suppose my counselor knows what she is talking about. So I guess I am a survivor but waiting to see if my daughter is too. (hugs) sokie

(hugs) sokie...you can talk about whatever you want. We are all in the same boat tryin daily to deal with what happened to us. You can say whatever you want and i am happy you are sharing in hopes that this may help you healing process. I hope both you and pamel are doing well.

I'm a SURVIOR!!!! I will never be the victim of DV again.
Hugs to everyone.

I'm a SURVIOR!!!! I will never be the victim of DV again.
Hugs to everyone.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is what I love to hear!

Congratulations Amy.

I love saying it cause it took years for me to beable to really say it and mean it.

I'm always surviving SOMETHING! DV too.

Sokie - has your therapist suggested meditation to you? It is a fabulous way to start getting control of your anger - especially the breathing exercises.
One of the things that I think happens is that the anger is now getting well-rehearsed, and those chemicals are getting free range in your body. If you have someone near you who does bodywork - reiki, yoga, meditation, EMDR, whatever, give that a try. Rehearsing that anger just makes it perfect and large, while what really needs to happen is that you have to starve it to death by giving it no energy to feed on. Like StarTrek - every time they turned the phasers on some monster, it seemed to grow stronger.
If one of the methods above is used, you can create a channel that takes the food away, and moves it in a positive direction. I know how much energy goes into the half-mourning that a preemie's situation creates, all the worry, fear, hope and sorrow, and I suspect you're sending that energy into the wrong direction right now.
As Always, HUGS!

Go Nimuay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am happy you're too.

I believe that victims have to "earn" the title of survivor. Far too many victims remain victims by their actions. If you continue staying with your abuser, you're NOT a survivor...you're choosing to allow yourself to be victimized. Once you have left, cut all ties, and are gone for good, then you are a survivor.

I AM A SURVIVOR and I thank my Lord and SAviour Jesus Christ cause thanks to him i am alive and my son too.

Yes...thank you Jesus. He brought me from a long long way. Congratulations to you.

I AM A SURVIVOR!!!
And it took me a long time to be able to form my face to say those words. I and my daughter were victims for many years. I was also a perpatrator in the sense that I didn't get us out of it sooner. I made us both victims. Now I'm finally able to say I am a survivor.
This is very hard for me to post about. I've been a member of PTO for half a year but never stepped into the DV forums until this past week or two. It takes some kind of inner epiphany to be able to come outside of yourself and admit, accept, and own it in all it's horrid reality.
I hope to come even further out of this shell of protection I've encased myself in. I have nothing to shelter myself from any longer. I have a bright future and I intend to live it to the fullest. All praises to God for the strength to grow!

Hi Golden,

Glad you and Marina are here! Congratulations to you and God is good everyday so keep thanking him. I'm here if you ever want to talk! God brought you from a very long way as well.

I am truly a survivor. I was in one hell of a abusive relationship for about 5 years. I finally got up the nerve to pack up me and my kids and leave like a thief in the night. That was the only way, I had to quit my job and basically go into hiding in my fathers house. Then I moved to another state. I know that Gog is very good because each and everyday I look at my kids and know that we will be safe. I still have nightmares from time to time and still have to look at the scar over my right eye (where I had to get 16 stitches) but I thank God that I'm still here to look at it. So to all of us who are survivors, keep your heads up and keep looking forward. Let go of the hate you may be feeling for your abuser, but never forget what you have gone through so you will know the warning signs if it ever happens again!

Hi RJK:

Welcome! You are strong...and trust me I know about having to leave like a thief in the night myself. It had to be done twice. I know you gave up a lot to finally gain safety and freedom if you will. Congratulations!

Hi Golden,

Glad you and Marina are here! Congratulations to you and God is good everyday so keep thanking him. I'm here if you ever want to talk! God brought you from a very long way as well.


Thanks, Kiah! :grouphug:
I have to say that I believe you play a big part in why I ever started to post in these DV threads in the first place.
I don't know what kept me away, since I no longer have anything to fear, other than sheer denial.
I spent all my energy focusing on my life as an inmate's wife (soon come) and my daughter's health issues. But I denied the significance of the abuse I endured in the recent past.
I guess God brought me to where I am now...and also brought you to witness for others.
You are a real one, my friend. Thanks for that, and for drawing me out of my shell.

intersting! i thought i was a survivor, but after reading what meganlea said...i wonder. i still get into emotionally abuseive relationships, guys that use me for sex or financial reasons...hmmmm...so, now i wonder! i stayed with my ex for 10 years and the two of us we're a dv spectacular! and he was an anger management counselor! so, i guess in all honesty that makes me pretty sick. but i dont not consider myself a victim. so, maybe i am a survivor in the making?

intersting! i thought i was a survivor, but after reading what meganlea said...i wonder. i still get into emotionally abuseive relationships, guys that use me for sex or financial reasons...hmmmm...so, now i wonder! i stayed with my ex for 10 years and the two of us we're a dv spectacular! and he was an anger management counselor! so, i guess in all honesty that makes me pretty sick. but i dont not consider myself a victim. so, maybe i am a survivor in the making?

I'm glad you're considering what I had to say. I work with DV victims on a regular basis. The title of "survivor" should be something you strive to get to. It's not easy. Keep working on it and I'm sure you'll soon be a survivor. Stop being a victim to all those men!!! :)

intersting! i thought i was a survivor, but after reading what meganlea said...i wonder. i still get into emotionally abuseive relationships, guys that use me for sex or financial reasons...hmmmm...so, now i wonder! i stayed with my ex for 10 years and the two of us we're a dv spectacular! and he was an anger management counselor! so, i guess in all honesty that makes me pretty sick. but i dont not consider myself a victim. so, maybe i am a survivor in the making?


Hi Wendi! Welcome!
I am not sure if you saw my thread speaking about my ex brother-in-law who was an anger management counselor and then beats up on his girlfriends! I am shocked. I guess I was hoping it was only him but it is not as we can see. Since you recognize that you still get involved in emotionally or economically abusive relationships what is it about these things that still attract you? I have spoken with you before and you seem like a wonderful soul and you do not need these type of people in your life.

I agree being able to say you're a survivor comes with time. There were so many times i should have left my ex batterer alone and couldn't or didn't because of certain things he was going through (ie. when I did a 21 month bid with him between 6/04-4/06 off and on). But i realize that was the mental abuse that he still was able to control me. Things will take time. Have you been to DV counseling Wendi? It has worked wonders for me and it may for you as well. I was able to get to the root of my issues and understand that I have been suffering with abuse my whole life long before I met my ex and it is a struggle. I knew i was a survivor when i could see him on the street and not feel fear or scared. When i looked at him and saw him for the sad and unfortunate man that he is.

Good luck to you Wendi. We are here for you.

Thanks, Kiah! :grouphug:
I have to say that I believe you play a big part in why I ever started to post in these DV threads in the first place.
I don't know what kept me away, since I no longer have anything to fear, other than sheer denial.
I spent all my energy focusing on my life as an inmate's wife (soon come) and my daughter's health issues. But I denied the significance of the abuse I endured in the recent past.
I guess God brought me to where I am now...and also brought you to witness for others.
You are a real one, my friend. Thanks for that, and for drawing me out of my shell.

Thank you Golden! I love ya sis, I do! God did bring you from a long way. I do feel that I should maybe witness to others but I still have a ways to go before I can do that. Thank you for your sweet words Golden and I am here whenever you need.

Hi RJK:

Welcome! You are strong...and trust me I know about having to leave like a thief in the night myself. It had to be done twice. I know you gave up a lot to finally gain safety and freedom if you will. Congratulations!


Thanks girl! It took me a long time to get through all of that. Even after I moved away, I still felt like I had to look over my shoulder each and everytime I left my house. I know this is sad to say but I felt like relief had finally come when his step mom tracked down my best friend and asked her if she knew how to get intouch with me. So when I finally called his step mom back she told me that he had died. Like I said before I forgave him but I never forgot the hell he put me through.

Wow! RJK3! What a story. My ex was stabbed at a party we went to once (and God forgive me...but you already know my heart so you know I felt this way before) and later on i kept telling myself if we didn't take him to the hospital he would have died and then i wouldn't have gone through as much as I did. But then again my little girl wouldn't have been here either so it is such a catch 22 sometimes. I used to look over my shoulder in NYC even when he was in jail because he had goons who would have easily hurt me because he told them too. Even when i first moved to Buffalo i was scared but over these last 8 months i have grown and will easily see him in the street and not think twice about it because God kept me around because there are things He wants me to do. Eventually you get tired of running and tired of living in fear!

But i agree i will never forget.

wow what a thread this is turning out to be! it is 7am here, im shoveling pad thai down my throat,listening to my phone ring like crazy from a guy i am on DAY THREE of withdrawing from, i am edgy about the man who ran up $500.00 of calls on my cell, he is due back in town today...this one really confuses me..we have known each other alot of years, i dont know why he is doing this to me, NOW. i have not been to dv counseling, maybe this is what i have been looking for! i was told to go to al-anon by my aa sponser, and have not done that yet(God forbid i get down to the nitty grittty!) it IS scary to look at this stuff! you know i got raped and assaulted by three marines when i was in my early 20's, tyhen by a guy i had known who asked me out on a date, i had no idea! he came to my place, i let him in...aye! then by a guy who again i knew, he was a pimp in hollywood, he followed me to where i lived, why why why?? then i get into a relationship for 10 years and it'slike..hell., i see a pattern here, i do. bugt WHY do i get with these guys..and when i do, i hang on to them FOREVER! i had one therapist say that i embrace the ones who abuse me, and shun the people that love me! i am one sick bitch here! well, no, i'm getting better, i am. i am. i hope i am. thank you my girlfriends for being here and understanding. a little pad thai anyone? nuthin like lean cuisine 1st thing in the morning.

Hey Wendi. I prefer the Lemon Chicken lean cuisine meal myself but it is all good!

Wendi, Wendi, Wendi! Get involved in these programs. My God Wendi! To read what you overcome and been through is amazing! You are such a strong person and I am sorry that so many people violated you and toyed with your trust as well. I am not sure exactly what Al-Anon is but if you think you need it then follow through with it. I definitely think you need DV counseling though because I am sure you have issues with trust (as do I ...working on that now) and maybe that is why you tend to lean toward the same people...cause in a way at least you know what you are getting with them...Wow! Wendi! If there is anything you need or that I can do...please let me know!

Wendi - I had a DV counselor who explained it this way - I was mistaking the longing to be loved for love itself. That longing was (oh, this is soooo lame and trite) me still trying to make my (ridiculously narcissistic) mother love me. Those men triggered that feeling because they were basically the same personality! Boingggggg!
So I've been chewing on that for the past 2 years, and avoiding attempts to get into another relationship until I've more fully digested that. I'm afraid of the idea, because it may mean that I've never really loved, and that maybe I will never even know how. There's bound to be a way around that, but I think it's a slow process.

I knew i was a survivor when i could see him on the street and not feel fear or scared. When i looked at him and saw him for the sad and unfortunate man that he is.


That is a powerful thing to finally recognize...a total lack of fear, and in it's place, pity for him instead.

Wendi, in all the times we've talked, I never knew you'd been through so much! I guess, like me, you weren't ready to bring it to the boards yet either? You are a survivor, and will rise up out of the pain right along with me...with us. :grouphug: And might I also add...:drool: mmmmm, pad thai!!! LOL!

Whew, thats the scariest part for me right now--I should be afraid, very afraid and I'm not...sometimes I wish he would just pop up and it could all be over with one way or another.

Whew, thats the scariest part for me right now--I should be afraid, very afraid and I'm not...sometimes I wish he would just pop up and it could all be over with one way or another.

I've felt like this too. And trust me when it was all said it done it was for the best. I hope Sokie that it end quickly for you too.

That is a powerful thing to finally recognize...a total lack of fear, and in it's place, pity for him instead.


I don't pity him. I don't feel anything for him. I more am seriously upset with myself for him such a punk and a coward and me not recognizing it sooner.

I don't pity him. I don't feel anything for him. I more am seriously upset with myself for him such a punk and a coward and me not recognizing it sooner.

See, I do pity the "man" in my situation. He will never have what he thinks he deserves in life, and a gloomy cloud will follow him all of his days. He stays living in denial. And all this is based upon what I knew through our years together, as I have had no contact for so long now. But when I do see him, I don't get any feelings at all...total indifference...no fear or saddness. But pity, well, I can still bring myself to feel that for another human, and it is not a favorable feeling to have of someone.
Let go of the feelings of anger and frustration toward yourself, though. That can't serve any useful purpose anymore. You stayed as long as you stayed, just as I did, but we're out now and that's where we begin anew. Forgive yourself for not doing then what you are strong enough to do now. :heart: :hifive: :heart:

Wow Golden! I don't even understand what i wrote.

I am working on it though. Like i said this is all fairly fresh to me and that will come in time. I can feel pity for other human beings but to me he is inhuman. He is not a person, he is a monster and he has gotten all the feelings he will ever get from me whether they were good, bad or indifferent.

I can feel pity for other human beings but to me he is inhuman. He is not a person, he is a monster and he has gotten all the feelings he will ever get from me whether they were good, bad or indifferent.

I'm definately feelin you on this too! You know, if we feel hatred or anger for someone...there is still a level of love there. They are all passionate responses to emotion. But when we feel indifference, then we know we're past them and the pain they inflicted because we no longer care to waste precious feelings on them. But pity is kind of in a class unto itself in my opinion. I don't need any kind of passion to pity someone...quite the opposite actually.

wow, i guess i've never really dealt with this. first, al-anon is for friends and families of alcoholics. they become "sick" also, but do not realize it. well, speaking of "sick" this is what i questioned earlier. i have lived with abuse so much i dont recognize it when it is happening. i dont even see how i am abusing myself, but do catch it, like in joking about the lean cuisine's i have shoved so much food into me today it's unbelievable! but i am not drinking or using, so i guess it's food now! we wont even go to the sex thing, but thats going anyway...who was it who sang the song and the lyric's were"and the river doesnt run here anymore.." carly simon? well, that river sure aint runnin to the door! lol! oh, thank God for all of you! yup, i need to look into d.v. counseling. there is a place here called "haven house" it's for abused women. and, i was also told by that therapist that i have a disorder called "learned helplessness". so, i guess i better start dealing with this stuff. oh! im doing good today on not picking up the phone when my friend calls! but i hate to say it...I MISS HIS SORRY ASS! oh, i'll get over it. i will!

wow!there truely are some miraculous women right here and im so glad i found yall.i am a survivor of domestic althugh sometimes i cant see the worth-until i have that feeling that GOD saved me for a reason.coming here helps me keep in touch with that feeling/that thought.it can be so complex surviving from dom vio,and eapecially healing from dom vio.i find that i am more aggressive than i would have been had i not suffered dom vio.strangely i dont hate them anymore-not my ex-husband not my fiancee or the foolish boyfriend im sure i had-hell,it started when i was very young.i had my first baby when i was 15-so yeah it happened.domvio was one of the most critical,dangerous times of my life but it wasnt the only episode i survived.i am pleased to know all of you in whatever way i have come to know you.
WENDI-LOVE YOU ARE DESTINED TO HAVE FULLNESS OF PROSPERITY IN YOUR LIFE.YOU ARE SURVIVING RIGHT THIS MINUTE BECAUSE you GOT UP.INDUE TIME YOU WILL DISCONNECT ALL THESE INHIBITIONS THAT HINDER YOU MOVING FORWARD AS YOU ARE MEANT TO BE.i think all these suggestions will greatly benefit you in your quest to heal from all the turmoil and pain you have endured and survived. STAY STRONG AND KNOW THAT YOU GOT UP. no matter how many times you fall down you get right bac up.we all do.

p.s.Karyne! i never knew you went thru so much! you have such wonderful insights! you are obviously working on yourself! i believe i have forgiven my ex, i sure do miss him, but that may indicate i'm still stuck back there! but, i do not feel any animosity towards him now, but before, wow i wanyted to do that man some serious harm! at one point, i even contemplated killing him. i'm ashamed to admit that, but it was true.

i am in no way forgetting or intentially omitting all our sisters that have died from domvio.i just want to let that be known.

Queendrury...foolish boyfriends!! NOT U TOO! lol! gosh. it's nice to know there are others who get into these crazy relationships! and, by the way, thankl u for your positive comments. my mom always said i was the most spiritual person she knew because it just amazed her how i would crash and burn, but i would always pick myself up and keep going. well, heck, what else are you gonna do? maybe it's that good ole irish stock i come from, and what a lot of lush's they be!

hun you and i must be right behind each other on these posts! i never stopped to think of that! alot of women have died at the hands of their "loved ones"

my mom always said i was the most spiritual person she knew because it just amazed her how i would crash and burn, but i would always pick myself up and keep going.

Like Phoenix from the ashes...
I wrote a poem incorporating that feeling once...

i find that i am more aggressive than i would have been had i not suffered dom vio.

I find that I am more aggressive as well. I find that my tolerance is lower. I find that my patience is lower. I find that i feel angry a lot for no reason. I find a lot of things are different now. But God has come in or should I say I have recently come to understand that God is in my life and I notice that the sky is bluer and the air is fresher. God is still working on me. And i have to change my attitude in order to have complete transformation and peace.

wow! im wish i knew how to operate the quote thingy and those silly faces.well they are cute and expressive..but lovinkiah, YES! i do notice how the sky is bluer! i notice little things i never noticed before! and i am grateful that i see them now! i have this sense of like wow, i could have missed this! and i could have. i could have been dead a long time ago,from the abuse, the alcoholism, i too am AWARE of GOD in my l;ife! So, with that awareness will i ever get self-awareness? will i ever let go...of the people, of the things of my past? i know i am asking the impossible, but it is something to dream about, will or can i become self actualized? gee whiz! whoever started this thread, did u get any answers hun? talk abouyt being self-absorbed! sorry!

Wendi I started the thread and i feel l have some answers at times and at times i wonder if i am still stuck in the abuse relationship. The one thing I know that is really bad is my issues with trust. I trust like no one and it has caused problems between Kiah and i at time. But what can you do if everyone you are supposed to trust including parents, brothers, spouses, etc, have been abusive to you, lied to you and have proven to be untrustworthy, how can you trust a stranger?

All I know is that I have let go of dealing with my ex in laws and i am letting go of my dad and trying to have a relationship with my brother. All of those people have hurt me (except some of the ex in laws...they were good to me and the baby and have helped us out but i must heal from what their son/brother did before i can go forward on a relationship with them) and let me down terribly, so i don't that negativity in my cipher now when i am trying to push forward in this new relationship with a wonderful man and family.