I didn't see this here in the Q&A part of the forum so I will ask.

Do you remember the first time your batterer hit you or the first violent act they committed against you? If so what was it?

I was 17 (i met him about 3-4 months before when I was 16 and he was 27). And my ex-batterer had moved in with his ex-girlfriend when his sister kicked him out. Anyway so since he was hitting that (and yes he admitted he was hitting that because if he did he could stay there rent free) i started kicking it (not sexing but just leaving options open) with other dudes. So this guy I was talking to worked as a DJ in a strip club and the batterer and I went there because I could get in free. But even though the DJ knew I was coming with the batterer his boss didn't want that drama and wouldn't let us in. Well I was very drunk and mad at the batterer (for him living with this ex-girlfriend) so i started flirting with these guys when I thought his back was turned. Well he grabbed me up by the back of my neck and like put pressure on these points causing me to fall to the ground in pain and then threw me into a hard metal gate. I was crying and then he ran over to me hugging me asking me why i made him do it. Why did I have to be so flirtacious and disrespect his love for me. Well since he was living with the other chick and I was living at home we ended up spending a night at a hotel and he kept ignoring the gir lhe was living with calls so i felt all special. Like he was doing something.

Uuugghhh! I didn't see it then. I was so d*ck whipped and thought I was in love that i really thought he was sorry. So about 3-4 weeks later he moved in with his other sister (this was after the ex-girlfriend realized for whatever reasons he wasn't going to stop seeing me...and also after she got caught lying about being pregnant with his child[sign # a million if you ask me cause that means even though it was another man's baby..he was not using protection with her]and kicked him out) and i moved in there with him...but the violence only got worse...and fairly quickly at that.

If you know or remember when was the first time you were abused and why did you stay then instead of leaving?

I stayed because I was young, dumb and loved him so much and worshipped the ground he walked on so much that nothing he could do was wrong. Looking back on it I could smack myself. Any storied the same or similar?

OMG! Kiah, I truly do not remember!!! I wasn't going to post this, but it's part of the process...
What the h*** did that life do to me that I can't remember the first time?!
Is it just me, or is there anyone else who feels like it was just "always" like that even when you know it wasn't? All the memories are blurred into one now...sure, some surely stand out and will never be forgotten...but the "first"...gone, poof!

Hi Golden!

Good to see you here! I was just wondering. I don't think I personally will ever forget that first time because he was adamant that he wasn't like that anymore and I was so suprised, hurt, shocked and caught off guard. Some of the other incidents i don't remember clearly but a lot of them I do...but it could only be because I just ended, fully, the relationship a little over a year ago. So a lot of it is still fresh. I remember when he beat me up right before my high school graduation (like 2 days before) and my best friend saw it at rehearsal (the bruises). I remember when he kept beating me up when i was pregnant (with the twins..i lost one...the other i had to have a later term abortion with because she was sick) and i had to keep going to different hospitals because they were starting to piece things together and so on and so forth. Like i don't remember the sexual abuse as much nor do i remember all the incidents with the economic abuse...but the hitting...the slapping, the throwing hampers on me and breaking up my computer and jewelry...i remember that vividly.

the first time my fiancee hit me we were at his cusins house.she is/was very promiscous.so we had gone to her house.after her children fell asleep-he did too-she wanted to wakd to the store so we did.he woke up and i was gone.he was mad cuz she left her kids in the house with him,he was mad cuz i left without telling him i guess.when we got bac he was waiting on me and he was furious.he slapped me a couple of times and made me cry.it all happened very quickly at her house.when we went home he didnt touch me but he made sure i knew who he was-and me being me i told him he wasnt my daddy-and i learned that night that he will tear into my ass faster than a raindrop hits the ground.end of story beginneng of novel.

The first incident I actually remember wasn't an assault on me at all! He went after someone who he thought was flirting with me and it turned into a major scuffle. I told him I completely didn't like that, that I could take care of myself, that he was mistaken anyway.
Later that night, I woke up (I'm a VERY heavy sleeper), to find out I was having sex (it sure wasn't making love if I didn't know about it!). Didn't know then what I know now, so didn't think much of it. Just didn't.
Control, control, control. No mutuality. That's what I know now . . . oh, if only...

I try with all my might to forget the first time, the in between times but for the life of me I doubt I'll ever forget the last time. I say that with a little pride because it was the last time. Amen

Amen to that Sokie: I hear you. I remember the last time he put his hands on me too. He was trying to strangle me in front of the baby (she was 11 months at the time laughing and carrying on in the crib not knowing or understanding that i was being like killed) and my heart sank because i knew the baby would not remember me....but God said it wasn't time for me yet. And He sent a security guard to the room to find out why we were taking so long. I don't think that man knew he saved me that day...but God knew what He was doing!

I have to say I don't remember the first or the last time. It was all a blur. And I am very happy to be out of that relationship. Growing up, my father was very abusive and I thought it was normal, then I met someone and he became very abusive. I removed myself from both relationships and am now in a wonderful loving relationship with my husband. I of course had to go through a lot of counseling and support groups - I don't think I would have made it if it was not for them.

I have to say I don't remember the first or the last time. It was all a blur.

I remember both of those really well. There are some of them in the middle that are a blur but i really don't remember some of the ones in the middle.

Congratulations on the great relationship with your husband!:thumbsup:

I can't believe I can't remember the first time. I know it was before our first daughter was born because I remember the midwife asking about my bruises, but I can not picture what happened. Maybe that blank spot in my brain is the reason I kept taking him back.

I guess that excuse is as good as any. lol

The first time my sons father hit me, we were 20 or 21. Our son was about a year old. We had broken up the previous year and I had a fling as did he. He would keep on going on about this fling. Boy would he. And one day he was going on, and on, and on. And I told him to shut up and get over it. He punched me in my jaw. It was terrible. But I stayed, because I felt guilty that he knew I had a fling, and I made it my duty to prove that I was a "good woman". We had three or four more incidents within the seven years. I left him because I already am a good woman, and a man can't tell me that. The more I started to love myself, the more those clouds moved from in front of my eyes, and I could see more clearly.

We were in the car, I was engaged to him for about a year at the time, I dont even remember what set him off, but I was driving and he back handed me (hard). I could feel my face sting instantly and my lip swell. I was in shock, and began to cry and that angered him even more, when I turned my face to look at him,because he was screaming at me to look at him when he was talking to me, he spit in my face... I didnt know what to do, I froze. I stopped the car and got out, began to walk... He yelled at me not to walk away from him and I just kept walking. The next thing I knew he had drop kicked me in the back and I fell forward... that was the start of my 17 years of hell... that now is a distant memory, but it never goes far enough away.

I was sitting in his car after a concert in NYC, next thing I knew we were arguing and he back-handed me mid-sentence and I started to cry while he was driving home and he took me in the house, cleaned up my lip and sexed me real good... that was the beginning of 8 years of pure hell.

Wow Ladies!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe these sick and brazen men! I wish I would have had the strength to leave after the first one. I know one thing, if it ever happens again, I am out. There is no I'm sorry, it will never happen or none of that.

This statement is true:

IF IT HAPPENS ONCE, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

The first time... well I was the first to throw the first blow.

One night, he had just moved in a few weeks earlier... I was sick of him accusing me of looking through his things. That's just not my style. I don't LOOK for things to hurt myself, so I was offended at the accusation. So... since I was ALREADY being accused of snooping... I did. I found a whole bunch of letters from his old ass grandmother. Well not his REAL grandmother, but this old bitch that he was with.

I burned them and he walked in on me... asked me what I was doing and I smacked fire out of his ass. Of course he didn't respond right away so I went forward and then he smacked a spark out of me. For almost a year, we hadn't so much as raised voices and I opened the door to violence. I'm not saying I'm responsible for HIS actions... but I always wonder, if I had kept that door closed, would it have stayed.

Oh I remember.....

I was 17 (can you believe it) and we were at a party. My ex-husband and I had been dating for 3 months. He claimed I "got smart" with him inf ront of everyone and held me up to the wall by my neck. He told me to NEVER do that again. I was MAD :angry: :angry: :angry: . And I remember one of my "friends" at the time telling me how much my ex must love me to get that upset. I look back now and see how twisted that was. I was a perfect victim...young and looking for someone to love me!

Wow Girls! My Man Has Never Hit Me And If He Did ...to Me That Would Show He Didnt Really Love Me. I Pray To God That It Will Never Happen To Me. But I Can Gaurantee You I Would Be Long Gone As Much As It Would Hurt And Kill Me. Yeah I Might Go Back But It Would Take Alot Of Time And Counseling Etc... You Girls Do Not Deserve To Be Touched Like That! We All Deserve Better Than To Be Humiliated And Disrespected Like That... If You Were To Write A Poem About Love Would It Have That Included As To What Love Meant? I Am Not Dawgin On Anybody So Plz Dont Take This The Wrong Way...hang In There Girls! We All Are Going Through This And We Can Do It!

i can remember the first time well and clear. we had been married about 9 months and our first child (daughter) was 7 months old. the post man rang and i went to check what he wanted. when i came back our daughter was crying as she had just woken up. he was angry because he had to get up and take her out of her crib. :confused: when i entered the room i took her off him and he punched me so hard.. i flew backwards with her in my arms, just praying that she won't get hurt. lucky i fell in a way that she landed on top of me, so she wasn't hurt. i "only" had a black eye and swollen/bruised nose but this was the first of 16 years abuse, which got worse and worse which each year.:(

I would not worry myself with that question. Male or female, the action of physically causing harm to another is not acceptable. When two people who both have the instinct to strike physically when angered are put together people get hurt. what happened happened, you struck , and so did he. Would history repeat itself would be my question.

I have been thinking about this. Hmm, well I really cannot remember the first time I was hit by him during my first adult relationship, but I do remember the last time he hit me. We had broken up because I had come to the realization of what was going on. I was in the middle of a controlling D.V. relationship and didn't know how I had gotten there. After a couple of fights I had enough. I called it off and he began stalking me and following me around, looking in windows, etc. We had an argument one time when he approached me and he punched me in the back of the head as I was trying to get away (mind you I was holding our baby boy at the time). I had to pick up an object to equalize the situation and I was tired of him putting his hands on me. I told him not to hit me again and he didn't believe what I was telling him. He swung to hit me and bottom line when it was all over with he never hit me or stalked me again.

I knew from being a child growing up in a D.V. household where my mother was injured every day and where I was attacked every day, that I had to get out of this situation before it progressed. (I swear that movie sleeping with the enemy was my life growing up as a child) Thank God I had the insight to get out early. I couldn't let the cycle continue.

Been there still doing that. Yes, I can remember it very well. It's a day I will never forget because it was the day my heart was destroyed. I don't know why I still love him. Please don't send me message telling me to leave and such I KNOW all this. I have asked myself that 100 million times. If I knew the answer I believe I could stop world hunger.

OMG! Kiah, I truly do not remember!!! I wasn't going to post this, but it's part of the process...
What the h*** did that life do to me that I can't remember the first time?!
Is it just me, or is there anyone else who feels like it was just "always" like that even when you know it wasn't? All the memories are blurred into one now...sure, some surely stand out and will never be forgotten...but the "first"...gone, poof!

I know your post is old, but I was thinking the same thing. Why the in the heck I cannot remember the first time? That is really bugging me.

I remember like it was yesterday even though it was 21 years ago. My (EX) husband and I wer married about about 15 days at the time and he had gone to work. I needed a cigaraette(have since quit) and so I went out side to see if anyone passing might have one ...well the fella next door had one so we were outside smoking when my husband pulled up. He got out of the car and acted like everything was ok in fact stayed out for a few and talked then whispered in my ear to get my a$$ into the house. I thought he was joking but walked into the house ...made it halfway up the stairs and felt my head being pushed into the wall. He was there hitting me calling me every kind of slut in the book....That was the begininng if I said no to sex no basically meant yes to him he would hold my hands so I wouldn't try to hit him off of me :( Needless to say my dumb a$$ stayed with him for 18 years...But I swore from that moment I left him no man would ever hit me again

I think, sometimes, that we don't remember the first time because it was just a gradual slide from a sting-y remark to a really controlling remark to a shove to a pinch to being kept in a room we didn't want to be in. The hit makes total sense on that continuum.

the first time wow ummm lets see here.. the first time he ever put his hands on me was this one day we got into it because i would talk to my so called friend about how he treated me and he got mad and waited till everyone left and banged on the bathroom door while i was in the shower and he told me he would break it if i didnt let him in, he then gripped my neckless real tight and i was crying an then the people i we where staying with came home so he left like nothing happend! so i got the fone called my friend who was a guy but he was in the army and had a girlfriend, he picked me up till later when my boyfriend had left. i returned and was making a pizza so i left the back door open because it had gotten hot, little did i know he was in another apartment waiting for me thenhe jumped on the porch and sat on the couch. so we kinda sat their for a little bit no words exchanged and he was cutting up his weed with scicors and asked me how i got home and i was honest and told him from rodney and he flipped threw the scicors at me and chocked me tipped my chair over smaked me like 4 times and i tried to leave and he had his gun and it was wild i will never forget that nor will i forget the last time!!!!!

I will never forget the first time. We always had dumb arguments and he has a bad temper but he promised me that he would never ever put his hands on me. The sad thing is that i believed him. I had picked him up to go to dinner from his moms house and he smelled like he was cooking. like fried food. and i said " you smell like food" "you smell funny" he was lit right away. i was joking with him i even said im gonna bite you cause im hungry. we went to drop something off at a friends house and he was mad the entire 15 minutes. i turned to him and said do you want me to take you home. he said " do whatever you want" i thought the best thing to do was to drop him off at home that way we can both cool off and risk an argument. i tried talking to him, holding his hand and he wouldnt talk to me and he just threw my hand. when we get to his moms house i park and he doesnt want to get off. then he starts yelling at me. I told him that idont want to argue and that its best if i just go home. he didnt think so he said that im always talking S#%$ and that thats all i do is say things to him. i didnt know why he was so mad... well i stayed quiet because i learned that with him if i respond he gets more mad. im a logical person and if 2+2=4 then ill say 4 but if he thinks it equals 3 there is no way of convincing him. then he suddenly pulls of my glasses. and i said why did you do that. as i bend over to pick them up he pulls the scarf that i was wearing.at first i tried to push his hands away but he pulled harder and pretty soon i couldnt breath. so i freaked out. i started punching him and he let me go. as i caught my breath i felt him punch me in the face... my nose started bleeding and i jupmed off the car and called the cops. i was so scared because i knew that if he had a knife he would hurt me... in my heart of hearts i knew that with his anger he is capable of anything. now hes in jail and writes to me and tells me hes so sorry and blah blah blah. i miss him and i probably still love him but i can never forgive him for what he did to me. its just sad that his mother calls me and tells me that it was all my fault and that if a woman ever disrespects a man then she DESERVES to get HIT!!! i feel sorry for that pathetic lady... i feel so sorry for her.

the first time,yes i remember. it was during a visit. i moved too fast,he got angry,because it was a max a and that any wrong move could be missinterpreted by the co's.instead of telling me ,he looked around,he looked around to see if someone was looking in our direction.all a suden he made a fist,and hit me as hard as he could,right under the knee cup,then told me to not do it again.i was in shock,and in pains,stupid me,i did not understand that 1 incident is rarely the last one.

That is something i will never forget it was right after we got married and he had to much to drink thought i was flirting with his best friend and after a long heated discussion he kicked me in my face hand broke my jaw that was 28 years ago

Congrats on not being there now......

I remember the first time as well, but for a different reason. I remember the first time because had I walked away then it could have been different, but i was so afraid to lose him that i stayed, it got worse. it got to the point of ribs breaking, sword stabbing, etc ect. Now he is in prison and truthfully it is the best thing that could have happened to him and me.
he got a 3 year sentance and an oportunity to get right.
I wrote a book about it and now i speak at prison marriage seminars. God opens doors in the strangest ways, never did I think I would get half a grand to stand up and tell my story......
Im stronger now, and I love me now, I only loved him then. He was my world!
I do believe people can change, but they have to want the change. I took a break from my husband and he went balistic. I didnt write or visit. I dont know what the future holds for us as a couple but i know that God has a plan for my ministry and being a person who is not ashamed to say, "Yes I am a victim of domestic violence" he can use me. Our life is transparent and on paper for the whole world to see. the first time wasnt the last, but he knows that the last has to be.

YES. I remember. It was 4 years ago, and it never stopped. I have been with him 6 years, so it took him awhile to get comfortable enough in our relationship, to finally show his true colors. First, he had to be secure, in knowing that I loved him. Second, everytime he beat me, it was related to another incident in his life, that was bothering him, and had nothing to do with me. Third, I didn't call the police. Witnesses saw the act, and called. Fourth, it happened on the same night, that he told me that he loved me for the first time. Because I knew that his anger was unrelated to me, I made excuses for him, and forgave him, that he was "hurting that bad", that he needed to get that violent. The first time, I really thought that it would never happen again. Until the next time. There were alot of times, that I didn't call the police, because I didn't want him to go to jail. When I started calling the police, he only went to jail for a few months, TOPS, because he had a good lawyer (which I helped pay for), and I defended him at court. He continuously came to me, even with a restraining order. I had the restraining order changed one time from NO CONTACT to NO VIOLENT CONTACT, thinking that would solve the problem. His behavior escalated, and each beating got worse. A year ago, he strangled me, and tried to kill me, because I told him that I wanted to get a divorce. Now, he is being sent to prison on a 5 year prison sentence for attempted murder. I have had no contact with him for the past year, while he has been in county jail, waiting for his trial, because of the restraining order. He finally took a plea bargain of 5 years in prison, because the DA wanted him to do 18 years in prison. I helped him all I could, but they were not going to let him go this time, because I was told that the way his violence was escalating, that next time he WILL kill me. It is just a miracle that I am still alive. I think the only thing that saved my life, was that he was so drunk, he finally passed out. And still, I think that if he QUIT drinking, it will never happen again? I am 50 years old, and this is my second marriage. I never in my entire life, experienced any of this. I am now married to a felon who tried to kill me, and I am still hoping and praying that he will get help. I am told that prison will more than likely make him worse, when he gets out. I am so scared, that I can't function day to day, in a normal life. I haven't dated. I can't trust people, and I have been waiting for a year, and plan to wait 3 more, until he gets out, with the hope that he will get help. It's a crap shoot. He will either get out, and change his ways, or he WILL kill me.

I remember, I do feel a bit stupid cos it was only 3 1/2 WEEKS after we got together!. He was out with mates and his young teenage cousins were at my place, they asked if I wanted to go for a walk with them to drop off something at a friends and I said ok, not realising this was a bad thing!. When he got back I was already home but he asked what I had done while he was out and I told him - He lost his mind!!!. I did not understand why he was calling me filthy names and throwing things around and smashing stuff. I did not understand why he was threatening me. Finally, the last thing he said before he shut me in my room was "Why did you leave the house?". That was the closest I ever came to understanding what had triggered this tantrum!. He didn't actually touch me that time but two days later his parents were coming over for dinner and he was cooking, apparently I had not bought enough brussel sprouts earlier that day when WE had done the shopping for this meal. He chased me up the hall and cornered me in the bedroom where he began slapping my face and rapping his knuckles on my head, He spat in my face and was screaming the entire time. Apparently I was trying to sabotage him by not buying what he needed to impress his parents at dinner. When I finally got a word in I asked "Do you realise you are spitting in my face over a couple of vegies and there is a store four doors up where we can get some more?". He then told me he wasn't really upset about the food - he was angry cos I was a "slut" and he knew I was cheating on him. Later when he calmed down he was sooooo sorry, he knew none of it was my fault it was all because of some deeper problems in own his life. Well the scene was set for the rest of our days together within the first month!!!!. I was sooo confused by his behaviour and frightened by the aggression that I never thought to say "who the h**l do you think you are?, get out!". But gee I wish I had thought things through instead of just being supportive and feeling guilty for upsetting him when he had so much on his mind. From beginning to end I kept asking myself "why do I keep hurting him like this?, Why can't I get it right for him and give him some peace?, Why do I do this to him?." NEVER AGAIN, I can tell you this for certain!!!.

W8IN, it's not a crap shoot at all . . . the odds are immensely in favor of him killing you. That's not exaggeration. If you wait for him, he will get out and blame you for the whole time he was in, and eventually he WILL kill you. Almost a guarantee.

As to the drinking, that's not the problem. Most abusers have an addiction, but if it's controlled, they still abuse. Yep, it's not the drinking. He dries out, then all you have is a sober abuser.

Nim has spoken, this is the voice of reason. I know from personal experience that if you are being unreasonable or paranoid this wise woman will tell you, if therfore she tells you to worry, to flee, you better listen. She KNOWS what she is saying!!!. I will pray that you keep youself safe ....

I am 50 years old, and this is my second marriage. I never in my entire life, experienced any of this. I am now married to a felon who tried to kill me, and I am still hoping and praying that he will get help.

I understand that you are older then me (most on this site are) so please don't think I am talking to you with disrespect because that is not how it is intended.
Maybe I never loved my ex husband as so many who come on this board express in their post but I do understand being controlled. I remember the fear, the beatings, and last but not least I remember everything that I once felt turning to total hate. I just want to tell you that it doesn't matter if you are 15 or 50 you only have one chance at this life so don't live it in fear or shutdown living with the hopes that maybe things will be different when he gets out. I'm not going to go into statistics about what your chances are that he will change because they aren't good and I am sure you do not want to hear them.
Prison doesn't offer much to the inmates about domestic rehabilitation or from doing it again. I believe prison is just their punishment for doing it and they must really hate being there. Do you want to be the one who takes the blunt force of his anger for being locked up? Most people who abuse another never take responsibilty for their actions but blame the one who they abused--it's always your fault for making them so mad they had to beat or hurt you.
Again I hope I haven't offended you. In my own personal life I watch my mother slowly die everyday from the cancer, it's something that I can't stop and it kills me a little inside everyday too. If you were my aunt or cousin I'd tell you to move on with your own life. Live it for you, your friends and family but not for someone that you don't know won't try to hurt you again.
Peace, sokie

oh yes I remember. I was 16 and had been invited to a party and my ex told me not to go, because some people who were in another gang were going be there and he didn't want me out there shaking my ass for them. Me being the wild one i was didn't even care what he said. Needless to say he found out i was at the party and showed up dragging me out kicking and screaming. We got in his car and he just kept calling me all kinds of names and smacking me. I told him it was over. the next day when i got home from school he was on my porch in tears with a dozen roses. He was so sorry and he didn't mean to but the idea of me in the party with dangerous gang members ( he was one by the way ) pushed himover the edge and all he wanted to do was to keep me safe and he didn't understand why didn't i listen, but he would forgive me. I get sick everytime i think of that, but at 16 all i saw was a man who i thought loved me and would anything including hurt me to keep me safe.

As to the drinking, that's not the problem. Most abusers have an addiction, but if it's controlled, they still abuse. Yep, it's not the drinking. He dries out, then all you have is a sober abuser.

It took me almost 3 years of therapy to realize this.. but it's true. ABSOLUTELY true.

oHHHHHHHH yes i remember.... we were dating for 3 years already and we were both in high school. i was at his house in his room...we were having a argument over a him talking to another girl....well he turnd around and trew me across the room.... i got up and left.... :angry:

the night before we got married,,,, Lord, had i just had the sense to get up right then and there and leave,,, but i didnt and it got worse........... but im who i am today because of what ive been through,,, dont wish that life on anyone,,,,,,,,,,

I sure do remember the first time, second, third and fourth, those that I count as true beatings. So many other times of physical violence, intimidation, coersion, they are blurred together. There is no telling how many nights he kept me awake threatening me, poking his fingers in my eyes and keeping them there with cayenne pepper or other spices on them, sexual assaults, its overwhelming and embarrassing. I cut my hair some to hide the pieces that were growing back in that were uneven. i straighten my hair with a flat iron so I dont have reminders when I look in the mirror. So much and all in only four years! He is an alcoholic crack head, junkie, and pain med addict. When he got out last year from doing 10 months TDCJ and was clean, he lasted 8 days before he began to take over once again with his former ways. He didnt return to the crack and alcohol like he had before, but all I had was an abuser that was totally unpredictable and sober. The last time he beat me, he threatened me with a 12 inch kitchen knife, the very knife I was afraid to bring in the house for fear it would be used against me, it was used against me. He didnt hurt me with it, but threatened me with it. I had to finally escape him that night, running for my life with him behind me. He caught me twice, urinated on me and begged me not to go to the police because his parole would be revoked! He's in prison now for what he did to me the last time. I've cut my ties with him, filing for a protective order and know he wont change, just get worse towards me. He's up for parole already and I'm waiting on parole to call me about my victims impact statement for his review. He's been locked up since 1 March 2008, the date of the last time he hurt me. Its hard breaking the grip he has had over me, but I'm getting there.

like i twas yesterday- i remember them all. Never would i wish dv on anybody

The first time my ex fiancee hit me i remember it like it was yesterday. He was mad at me cause i was mad at him for just sitting around the house and not doing anything while i was out busting my butt at work.

i remember- the brakes were going on our truck and my brother was suppose to fix them, i had just gotten home from work and he wanted me to call my brother i knew my brother wouldnt be up yet so i told him just wait an hour and then i would call so he dragged me by my hair to the den and pushed me on the couch and started hitting me in the head with the house phone until i said i would call

The first time for me was when my baby father slapped me hard across the face. hen started crying. If it happens once it almost always happens again. They learn they can get away with it. WE CANNOT OVERCOMPENSATE FOR WHATEVER ISSUES THEY HAVE. IT IS NOT AND NEVER IS OUR FAULT!

I sure do remember the first time, second, third and fourth, those that I count as true beatings. So many other times of physical violence, intimidation, coersion, they are blurred together. There is no telling how many nights he kept me awake threatening me, poking his fingers in my eyes and keeping them there with cayenne pepper or other spices on them, sexual assaults, its overwhelming and embarrassing. I cut my hair some to hide the pieces that were growing back in that were uneven. i straighten my hair with a flat iron so I dont have reminders when I look in the mirror. So much and all in only four years! He is an alcoholic crack head, junkie, and pain med addict. When he got out last year from doing 10 months TDCJ and was clean, he lasted 8 days before he began to take over once again with his former ways. He didnt return to the crack and alcohol like he had before, but all I had was an abuser that was totally unpredictable and sober. The last time he beat me, he threatened me with a 12 inch kitchen knife, the very knife I was afraid to bring in the house for fear it would be used against me, it was used against me. He didnt hurt me with it, but threatened me with it. I had to finally escape him that night, running for my life with him behind me. He caught me twice, urinated on me and begged me not to go to the police because his parole would be revoked! He's in prison now for what he did to me the last time. I've cut my ties with him, filing for a protective order and know he wont change, just get worse towards me. He's up for parole already and I'm waiting on parole to call me about my victims impact statement for his review. He's been locked up since 1 March 2008, the date of the last time he hurt me. Its hard breaking the grip he has had over me, but I'm getting there.

wOW GIRL! tHAT IS HEAVY STUFF! Where drugs and alcohol are involved, it is always going to be a grim tale..I know :( When they do call you, don't hold back! Unless he acknowledges responsibility for his actions..you will never be safe from him. I know that too.xx

I honestly like so many of us, can't exactly pin point the very first time there was physical abuse but that is most likely because I just blew it off as an arguement that got way out of hand. I do remember the last time though, probably because it was only about 5 weeks ago! But, me and my husband only knew each other for about 3 months before we got married so yeah we didnt know a whole lot about each other, but enough to say that we were in love and wanted no other. Not too long after we were married did the abuse start, mostly the emotional abuse at first. He wanted to know about my past with men, so I told him and he held it against me for quite some time throughout the marriage. I dealt with the abuse for two years, and starting falling out of love with him for many reasons. Instead of letting him know how I felt for fear that he would harm me, I just kept quiet. I started talking to another male while I was still married, and he made me realize unintentionally that I had to get out of my marriage. I kept quiet about this other male, because I didnt want to be physically abused about that either. I wouldnt call it exactly cheating on my husband, its just that this person who never met me before told me all the things that my husband quit telling me, and made me feel better about myself which my husband didnt do. Not to mention my friend was going through a divorce as well, so it was easy talking to someone who could share the same experiences with me. So, my husband checked our phone records and saw how often I was messaging and talking with this friend of mine, and thats what raised Hell. He pulled out my hair, punched me in the stomach, hit me in the eye, spit in my face, pushed me against everything, choked me til I couldnt breathe, everything and anything imaginable. I managed to somehow sneak a five second call to my mother and tell her its an emergency I need you to come, and I ran out of the house. I had no purse, no shoes on my feet, I just started walking. Luckily, my mother was coming down the street at the same time I was walking, and I managed to get in the car just as soon as he came out of the house and saw me. I went right to the police station, took pictures, got a TPO, and have been dealing with all the court work, all the emotions, all the guilt, all the caring still, all at the same time. I know its been only 5 weeks, but boy does it feel longer. Up until recently did I realize that no matter how I may still feel about my husband, I can never go back because it will still happen. No matter how long it takes, no matter how good things may seem in the beginning all over again because hes "changed", the end result will always be the same. As, long as I keep making progress and moving forwards, is all that matters now.

Oh I remember.....

I was 17 (can you believe it) and we were at a party. My ex-husband and I had been dating for 3 months. He claimed I "got smart" with him inf ront of everyone and held me up to the wall by my neck. He told me to NEVER do that again. I was MAD :angry: :angry: :angry: . And I remember one of my "friends" at the time telling me how much my ex must love me to get that upset. I look back now and see how twisted that was. I was a perfect victim...young and looking for someone to love me!
he claimed I disrespected him in front of my mom, and I didn't, and when we had got a few houses away from my mom's he slapped me, and I thought to myself, I am getting rid of him, which I did a couple of weeks later, I moved out of town cus he vandilized my car, and had told his new girlfriend that he was going to have me killed after the baby was born so he could get custody of my baby, so I moved away in march and by Sept he was in jail for murder.
so that slap was the first and last time he abused me, now he is dead, his new wife shot him,

YES. I remember. It was 4 years ago, and it never stopped. I have been with him 6 years, so it took him awhile to get comfortable enough in our relationship, to finally show his true colors. First, he had to be secure, in knowing that I loved him. Second, everytime he beat me, it was related to another incident in his life, that was bothering him, and had nothing to do with me. Third, I didn't call the police. Witnesses saw the act, and called. Fourth, it happened on the same night, that he told me that he loved me for the first time. Because I knew that his anger was unrelated to me, I made excuses for him, and forgave him, that he was "hurting that bad", that he needed to get that violent. The first time, I really thought that it would never happen again. Until the next time. There were alot of times, that I didn't call the police, because I didn't want him to go to jail. When I started calling the police, he only went to jail for a few months, TOPS, because he had a good lawyer (which I helped pay for), and I defended him at court. He continuously came to me, even with a restraining order. I had the restraining order changed one time from NO CONTACT to NO VIOLENT CONTACT, thinking that would solve the problem. His behavior escalated, and each beating got worse. A year ago, he strangled me, and tried to kill me, because I told him that I wanted to get a divorce. Now, he is being sent to prison on a 5 year prison sentence for attempted murder. I have had no contact with him for the past year, while he has been in county jail, waiting for his trial, because of the restraining order. He finally took a plea bargain of 5 years in prison, because the DA wanted him to do 18 years in prison. I helped him all I could, but they were not going to let him go this time, because I was told that the way his violence was escalating, that next time he WILL kill me. It is just a miracle that I am still alive. I think the only thing that saved my life, was that he was so drunk, he finally passed out. And still, I think that if he QUIT drinking, it will never happen again? I am 50 years old, and this is my second marriage. I never in my entire life, experienced any of this. I am now married to a felon who tried to kill me, and I am still hoping and praying that he will get help. I am told that prison will more than likely make him worse, when he gets out. I am so scared, that I can't function day to day, in a normal life. I haven't dated. I can't trust people, and I have been waiting for a year, and plan to wait 3 more, until he gets out, with the hope that he will get help. It's a crap shoot. He will either get out, and change his ways, or he WILL kill me.
how much do you two communicate?
Is he emotionally abusing you while in prison?

Been there still doing that. Yes, I can remember it very well. It's a day I will never forget because it was the day my heart was destroyed. I don't know why I still love him. Please don't send me message telling me to leave and such I KNOW all this. I have asked myself that 100 million times. If I knew the answer I believe I could stop world hunger.
how many times do you write call, is he loyal to you, or does he have other girlfriends.?