My father and I have been communicating via snail mail since August. I don't know this man, I never have. I am trying to get to know him and be a part of his life because I do love him deep down inside. I have been looking for him for my entire life to find him locked up for murder. Well, I asked him if there was a lady in his life. To my surprise there is one and she has three sons. He sat there and told me what a great relationship they all have and how she is worried about how I am going to feel about her. He says its very important to her that nothing comes between them. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT? I think he should be more concerned with his own blood instead of some lady he met while he was floating around the system.....I am very upset about this! Can someone please help me understand why I am so jealous of her now? UGH I felt like throwing up in an envelope and mailing it to him.

I think its WONDERFUL that you located your Dad and are writing to him.

I know where your Dad is coming from. My husbands kids were not in contact with their dad for years.....long story -not their fault. And they left his life almost as quickly as they came into it and not before causing problems between us.

This woman has obviously "been there" for our Dad for a while. Now enters his child - who he doesn't know and is worried that his child - you - may cause him heartache and stress.

He may be your father, but the two of you don't know each other and I'll bet she only wants to "protect" him from getting hurt. I don't know her or your dad, but from my own experience, I'll bet both she and your dad are just wanting to make it clear that things between them are good and no one - not even their children can come between their love.

I THINK, maybe you are jealous because you figured with your dad being in prison, he wouldn't have anyone else who loves him. Now that you know he does - as a daughter maybe you don't like that idea???? I know my husbands kids were MAD that dad had married while he was in prison.

Give him - and her - a chance. Send me a PM if you want to discuss this on a more personal level.

mrs. d

This woman has formed a relationship of support with him and if you love your father as you say you do, you should be glad he has someone who loves him. That's a rare thing for people in prison to have someone committed to them. Why should he suddenly turn all his attention to you when he's only been in touch with you for a month? You're not even sure how you truly feel about him, while this woman has a bonded relationship with him and a commitment to him. It's possible that you may decide to move on, while she's committed herself to sticking by him. I'd work on that jealousy and unreasonable attitude and maybe try to get to know her, too, and be grateful he's got someone who is supportive of your father. Like you said, you don't even know him. I'm sure she could help you to know him better and would welcome you to the family circle if you give her the chance. If you can't get past the jealousy and resentment, then maybe you should just withdraw and wait till you can grow past that.

First of all, I am glad he has someone in his life. However, I can not help the way I feel. I do not expect him to turn all of his attention to me. He never gave me attention before, why would now be any different?! I don't want to get to know her yet. I need to get to know him first. It makes my skin crawl that he can be there for someone else and their kids but he bailed out on me and my sister. The only reason we are even talking is because I was "man enough" to make the first step and locate him. I am sorry but I don't think that my attitude is unreasonable at all. I am not in his life to cause problems. I am in his life to work through the problems he has left me with. I don't want to make his life miserable even though he helped make mine a mess. I think you are missing the point. I am his daughter and she is woman that he met along the way. He shouldn't let her come between us trying to be part of each others lives. If my boyfriend felt like the relationship i am trying to form with my father- I would leave him. It is not between the three of us, it is between me and my father. I don't have ill feelings towards her- she just needs to look at this from my side of the fence. I am not jealous that he has a woman that loves him.....I am scared that he might let her come between us and if so then its his loss because he must not have cared in the first place.

dear joels girl....please don't take offense...i hurt for you...and i think that if this is what you want is to try to have a relationshiip with you dad you should...you said

quote

"I think he should be more concerned with his own blood instead of some lady he met while he was floating around the system"

"I do not expect him to turn all of his attention to me. He never gave me attention before, why would now be any different?!"

i think you hit the nail on the head....you need closure i think...get rid of your anger and resentment....how??? i think you are taking the first step....but in reality if he had nothing to do with you for so long and he was blood then too....he may still be that same person..and you may be setting yourself up for more heartache and sorrow....
then again...what if he does want to have a relationship with you and the reason he never did was for reasons you don't know yet ....
take your time to get to know him....go slow...he may be a scared as you are....
but i do understand that he has someone in his "LOVE" life...he probably just hopes that you guys can get along...men don't like problems....everything needs to go smoothly for them...(my opinion only)
again take your time....you've had a long time to build up the anger and resentment ...it will probably take along time to get rid of it ...if ever....
take care

AHHH..... I'm glad you spoke your thoughts again. I don't blame you for being angry and you have every right to be...your dad wasn't there when you needed him and NOW he has the gall and audacity to let you know that someone else in his life comes first.

Your feelings are justified and I never meant to down play those feelings. Samian is right, you need closure. That's what my husbands kids did.... and now, even though they have admitted that the truth of things and him not contacting them all those years was beyond his control, they are STILL angry at him. So they just walked right back out of his life. I'll BET your dad is afraid of the very same thing. My husband and I went thru hell with our kids resenting our love and marriage....that's exactly why my husband put me before his kids.......they aren't even IN his life anymore. If he had chosen them over me...he would have NO ONE now.

Explain the way you feel to him and yes even vent to him, but allow him the opportunity to explain himself. Also, offer him the chance at a fresh start.....get it all out then start over if you can....

And someday, if you feel comfortable, take the opportunity to meet the woman who makes him happy.....you don't have to like her, but at least respect the love she has for your dad.

And if you can't....close that chapter of your life and find happiness with your b/f.

mrs. d

Sometimes it's not all the father's fault that contact wasn't kept. In my case, I was always told that my father never wanted me and that he left and never looked back. As an adult when I took it upon myself to find out his side of it, I found that my mother hadn't been honest with me and that she refused to let him see me till finally, after several years, he just quit trying. When I did meet him, then his second wife had some insecurities about things, so that potentially caused problems, but it turned out that my father didn't allow that to come between us, even though he initially told me that spending any time getting to know me might be hard considering her jealousy.

You have to be realistic about it and realize that you and your father are strangers, really. His girlfriend and her kids have a history with him that you don't. So just try to be patient while you and he get better acquainted and sort things out. And don't count out the possibility that he might still not be able to be "there" for you. I hope he'll at least try, though.

That is exactly what it is! I feel like he is putting this woman before me and it makes me very angry. I know he hasn't been able to contact me for the last 17 years because he has been in prison. Before that however, he only tried one time. See, I can't understand this at all. I have a child and there is no way in hell that I would not be in contact with her. Where there is a will, THERE IS A WAY. Blood is supposed to run thicker than water. There are a lot of emotions involved here. I feel like he disrespected my mother in his last couple of letters and that adds to the anger I am feeling. That woman was the only person I have ever had. Unfortunately, her family disowned us because I was illigitimate. So, my mothers life hasn't been easy by any means without the loving supposrt of a family. Our life was a struggle but we made it, no thanks to him. He told me he doesn't care how she feels or what she thinks. It makes me want to tell him that I am not concerned with how his woman feels. I am a better person than that. I know this isn't her fault. I am glad that someone can love him. Lord knows I am having a rough time loving him. I have too much anger in my heart.
I do need closure. I don't know how I am going to get it. I want him to be a part of my life, but he needs to stop dodging my questions. My mom says he is just going to hurt me and I can feel him already hurting me. He even had the gall to tell me that if I want to fly out there to see him, he will have her meet me and take me straight to him. NO WAY! I don't want to be with a stranger on one of the hardest days of my life. I surely don't want to have some stranger tell me about my father. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that a stranger knows my father better than I do and probably ever will.
Thank you for responding to me. It made me feel better to hear a different outlook on it. I am really having a hard time dealing with this. I must find a way to control this anger before I end up just like him.

I understand where your fear and disappointment in your Father is coming from. I truly think you need to take the time to come to grips with all these emotions from your PAST experience (or lack of) with your Dad before you even think of meeting him. There seems to be a wonderful loyalty to your Mother who raised you and you seem to be maybe carrying alot of anger and resentment for her and what your Dad did to her. I am a grown woman and yet i can certainly understand why you would be hurt he can have healthy relationships with a "strange" woman and her children and yet could not do that with you and your family. My guess is he changed, grew up, learned a few things in the hoosegow, etc, etc, etc. It isn't that he chooses anyone over his own flesh and blood(you). You said he has not been a part of your life for years, so he moved on. This woman and he have a loving relationship now, and through that relationship he has one with her kids, as well. Maybe write him and diplomatically explain that your first meeting with him in years is sure to be emotional for you and possibly him and that you don't feel comfortable expressing emotion like that with his current woman there.
Tell him you will be happy to meet her at a later date and then work at building whatever you are comfortable at with her and her kids then. If he cannot be alone with you without his new woman there, then I guess I would leave it alone until you can come to grips with why he needs to have her present .
Good Luck, my heart goes out to you. :)

I totally understand your feelings about him being with someone elses kids and not there for you. How can a man start a new life with a new family and totally disreguard the child that he created? If he has grown up and learned to love differently then that is all of the more reason to go back and face the past and his mistakes. No man that walks out on his child will ever get my sympathy. I would walk through hell for my kids but their father doesn't even walk to the post office and mail them a birthday card. For some reason there are parents that have options and parents that have obligations. Those with options leave or stay just enough to complicate the situation. Those with obligation stay there for everything good or bad, happy or unpleasant. I think that your father is telling you this so that you don't think you have the most power over his emotions because he is scared you will return the favor of pain and hurt like he did to you.But he is your dad and you can either accept him for all of him or not. This is a decission that only you can make and it will take time. Don't ever feel like you are less important than anybody else because your not. Everything that we go through all of our lifes makes our strengh and without challenges we would all be weak. Take the strenght you have earned and use it!!!

God Bless You!!
Deanna

i was concieved and born while my dada was in calis SQ , yep i have a blood test that he made my mama take lol, who did the time ? she did also ,

well he died a few years back , ( he had finished paroles ad whatever , he wa sold man now , ) i met him maybe 4 times ,

today i cry ,
cause he lost out , on what is in my life ,
he made me , i cant be accountable for his actions ,
and he is gone now , ( u still have a chance ) do what works 4 u ,

You know, the more I think about this situation, I get more angry with that woman. I can understand how this woman is my fathers stability and I am something that threatens his emotional stability. However, I think it is wrong of her to worry that I may intefere with "their future". Shame on her for even feeling like that. I didn't ask for my father to be spending life in prison and I surely didn't ask for this woman to walk into my life-but hey that is life. If I had known him the way I should have my whole life, she would be walking into my life, not vise versa. She needs to understand that I probably need him more than she does. I have always needed him. She has no right to feel threatened by me. I am not trying to ruin thier relationship. I am trying to build a relationship with the man I never got to build a relationship with. He is my father and we have unfinished business. I feel like she needs to respect that instead of worry about herself. I mean come on, so what if he gets upset?! I have been upset my whole life. He needs to be upset and deal with his feelings instead of running from them the rest of his life. That doesn't make me a threat to them. I feel like telling this lady to kiss my lilly white because I am not trying to hook up with him for goodness sake..... He's my father. He has answers to the questions in my heart and I want them. Its not like I want money or a place to live. All I want from him is friendship and honesty. Is that too much to ask? And is it too much to ask to have her mind her own for the time being?

Well I wrote him a letter and explained how I felt. To my suprise, he hasn't responded. I guess I have made him angry. Either way, I am done chasing this man all over the USA.

Ok I got a letter from my father. He says the people in prison are watching what I write on here. I can't see that being possible. Is it? I think its the girlfriend trying to add to the problems. Please help me here!!!!:argh

Yes they will read your mail, they read everyone's mail and they do have the right.

As far as the woman...I understand where you are coming from. I agree that she has no right to feel threatened by you and that it's a disgrace that she wouldn't have more of a positive outlook on it. She is probably an insanely jealous woman who thinks you will come into his life and she'll never see him again (hear from him), when she should be thinking that this is probably good for him and should support him. Encouragement, I feel, is the appropriate approach she should've have taken, rather than being an insecure self - centered you know what.

I think, having children of her own, whose father obviously isn't real close, would have an affect on how she feels about the bondage between a father and child.

I think you should write your dad and tell him to be straight up with you, that your tired of the games and that you wrote him to end the confusion and anguish that you've been feeling, not to cause more. You should tell him that if he plans to cause you any more, or allow her to, then you'd rather not even bother with the dissapointment.

I don't think there is anyway in justifying the jealousy a mans girlfriend has of his daughter (or children). I think it is idiocracy at it's finest when people begin trying to. EX : Yea the kids walked out of his life after he let them know that nothing would come between him and some girl. Of course they did. In a relationship of two people, it stays between them. However, when there are kids in a relationship, THEY DO COME BETWEEN IT, not neccesarily in a bad way.

Two mature adults in a relationship would allow a child to come between there relationship to allow themselves to ALL bond together. I don't think there is any reason you should hold yourself back or keep quiet about your feelings towards whats happening with the attempt to begin a relationship with your father. A relationship that he was either to coward, or not man enough to start it out the right way.

Do what you need to do for yourself, and not for him. What has he done for you to make you consider his feelings anyway, ya know? It's not like he's considered yours, EVER.
Well...don't know if this helps, but your not wrong for feeling the way you do. Don't worry about the people who tell you you are, because they're wrong.

This is very long, so I will stop now, but I wish you the best of luck.

Carrie

I'm a child of divorce, and managed to be a step-mother to 3, as well as having had one kid of my own, so let me speak from that perspective.
(This is only my own history I'm talking about - you get to pick and choose what to pay attention to)

My mother tried everything she could to make me hate my father, some of which you wouldn't believe if I told you . . . but my dad was able to hang in there and eventually win custody of me. My three step-daughters were put in a similar position by their mother toward both me and their father, though she was far more subtle that my mother was. But she warned him that she would do everything she could to make them hate him, and never see him - interfered with visitation, told lies about him, violated court orders, etc.

You don't know what the relationship between your parents was like, so you can't really make judgments about who was right and who was wrong. Your dad may well have been deeply hurt by things your mother did, whether malicious or not.

My stepmom, who I now think is a magnificent woman, was the bane of my existence for about 5 years. She and Dad married, and it took me that long to accept her - my dad was MINE, and no-one was going to make me share him. God bless her, she stuck it out, and now is one of the most precious things I know in my life.

In many cases, it's not that anyone has been evil, just made a poor choice of words or actions. Both of your parents may have been right in ways, wrong in ways. Both you and your father and his woman may be right, too. But since you can't control what they do or think, you have to work on yourself. And you sound like you're holding onto your anger pretty tight. See if you can let loose of it just a little. No matter whether it's justified or built on shaky ground it will do you no good. My dad told me over and over that my hate of my mother wasn't hurting her nearly as much as it was me. It took me years and years to understand that, but I finally got it. ( It has to do with concentrating so hard on what you hate that you learn it, learn to be too much like it.)

OK, too long, and probably too rambling. Enough