My husband is in lockdown, in a cell 24/7 and can't go to meetings, but he asked for the NA workbook because he wanted to begin the program, I had it sent to him and he has been doing the workbook, about a year ago he told me he wanted to start working the program so I found a guy in my NA group that agreed to sponsor him through the mail, but my husband never wrote to him & never began to do anything related to recovery until recently, the last month or so, and he wrote to this guy and asked him if he'd still be willing to sponor him and the guy never wrote back (it's been over a month now); in the meantime, my husband has been doing the NA workbook and sending me what he wrote because he doesn't want to leave it in the cell for the shakedown crew to read. He did all of the work on step one and moved on to step 2 where he is stuck, he doesn't have any belief about God and is having a hard time with this one, and he really does want a sponsor but doesn't know how to go about finding one in his situation. I can't help him with this because for one thing I think having your wife as your sponsor is a big no-no but also I never had a problem with step 2 so I don't even really know what to say to him.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to find someone to sponsor him? My sponsor thinks I need to stay out of it as much as possible & let him find his own sponor, but how can he do this? I remember someone mentioned something about a loner program for people who can't go to meetings, well I looked on the AA & NA web site and I didn't see any information about that. I looked on the NA site to find meetings in the area he is in, thinking maybe that if he wrote the group that someone in the group might offer to help him, but I don't know what group to even pick, there's only 4 groups in a 50 mile radius and they only meet once or twice a week, does anyone have a better idea to where I could give him the information (addresses) so that he is still the one looking for a sponsor? Or is there some kind of prison ministries group that deals in recovery? If so how do I find an address? I'd appreciate any thoughts on this, I'm trying to stay out of it as much as I can but right now I'm his only link to the outside world, and he really has been trying hard, but he's stuck on 2 and I don't know what to tell him other than to pray "if you are there God, please let me know." but that might be bad advice, he needs a real sponsor. Any thoughts here would be greatly appreciated.

Well, step 2 says we "came to believe" that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. It takes longer for some people to "come to believe" than it does for others. And it doesn't say "we believed when we got here" or "we believed right away" or "we came to believe what we were taught as a kid" or "we came to believe what our spouse believes". Just pray to become willing to believe is what I was told.

Read page 26 in the AA 12 and 12, down in the third paragraph. I use one of the little tiny books that's hard to keep open, so it's too hard for me to type it in here. But type that second paragraph for your husband, or if he has this book, tell him where to find the quote. That should help him with Step 2.

The AA Grapevine is where I've read articles about the Loners, and if you go to their website and email them, you can find out more about the program there, I'm sure. Loners rely a lot on the Grapevine.

Now, while I agree that you shouldn't try to sponsor your husband, remember this----------one recovering person telling his/her story to another is the bottom line in this program. If you don't tell him what to do and if you keep your personal feelings and agendas about what you think he should do out of the way, while just truly sharing honestly with him "what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now" in your life, you'll be working the miracle of the program together and there's not any need to "sponsor" in the commonly held sense. Sponsoring is something the treatment centers are big on------it's not even mentioned in the Big Book in the main part of the book. It was used first in the 12 and 12 but in a different sense than we hear of it now in meetings. Try to help him get a male person who can share with him as soon as you can, but in the meantime, don't feel that you can't be just as helpful to him.

I really appreciate that advice Toi, I don't have quite yet 2 years in the program so I'm still fairly new at it and I appreciate your input. I did write that section of the 12 & 12 and sent it to him this morning. I see what you are saying, that I can share my experience but keep my personal feelings & agenda out of it. I will try really hard, I have a little bit of a control-freak problem but I'm currently re-working the steps again focusing kind of on that issue. So I guess this will be good practice for me to share with him without trying to control... whew it sounds easy but it will be a challenge for me. But if God can remove my desire to drink/get hi then I know all things are possible. Thanks.

What helped me was to think of it this way--------sobriety and being clean are between an individual and God. God is all powerful and can do anything, so he could make your spouse perfect all at once if He felt that was right. If God feels that your husband is okay being as he is at any point, then who are we to quibble with that? Also, if we let our control tendencies come into play, that's going to run a high risk of causing our spouse to fail at being clean and sober, where if we leave it to God, chances are great he'll succeed. Principles before personalities comes into play here like it does in the other way we commonly relate it to.

Oh, and control freak? I'm a terrible control freak! That's been one of the worst of my faults in life. I've mellowed out a lot, but that ol' demon will probably always be sleeping somewhere down deep with me.

Toi I just want to tell you thanks again for that advice, I got a letter from my husband last night talking about his doubts about God, and when I first read it I just cringed, my first reaction was to write a letter a back trying to make him see THE WAY I SEE. But I thought about what you said, and I told myself, "hey, if God's okay with this then who am I to try and change him?" Okay I said it more than once, more like a chant, ha-ha but it worked and after I calmed down and got off my high horse there I was able to write a letter back just talking about my experience with this step and things I've heard other people say about it, and how for me a big part of willingness was just being so sick of where I was in life that I'd try anything to change it. I did not talk about God or try and convince him that there was a God because I know it's not my place to do that. If God wants him to believe in him then it's between him & God, not me. I know that faith in other higher powers has worked for many people and I'm happy for them, so he should be no different. Anyway I just wanted to say thanks because I did and will continue to use that advice.

You're very welcome, Kathy. I know how hard it is because I married someone with NA "issues" (LOL) and it's a real discipline to be helpful without being dictatorial. But you did a good job. And we always hear that sometimes people even make an inanimate object their HP to start out with and it works. We both know that the real HP in the universe does hear and respond to us no matter how spiritually wounded we may be when we get into recovery, and it takes some people years to finally come around to what we'd consider to be a actual believe in anything remotely connected to what you could call God.

The reason I laughed when I said "issues" is because I'm well known for having said a few years ago to someone in the program that "issues" are in reality just unresolved resentments.

Kathy,
I agree with Toi too but something that does come to mind is contact your intergroup in your area surely they have a correspondence chapter for those that are on the inside. I sponsor 4 girls in prison through the mail so I know that they wrote intergroup here where I live and I began corresponding with them and we are doing the steps to the best of their ability because they can't say as much as need and want to but still they are working the program to the best of their ability while on the inside and that is what it sounds like about your husband is trying to do. Is there a way you could contact this guy and ask him about sponsoring your husband again? Hang in there and keep us posted!!!

cherrie from tx

Well I did contact him again about 3 weeks ago and said he forgot about it and that he'd write him, and he did write one letter telling him a few things to start on. So my husband wrote him 3 letters answering the questions that the guy asked plus step one stuff, and he never heard back from the guy again so now he wishes he wouldn't have wrote any of that stuff because it was kind of personal and he didn't really feel comfortable sending it to a stranger, but he did it anyway, and now he just has visions of his letters just laying around this guy's house somewhere for anyone to read and so I doubt he will write to anyone else now. I was really surprised too because in our NA group he is one of the people who has the longest clean time, and he sponsors a lot of people. I told him if he didn't have time I'd find someone else, and he said he had the time, so I don't know what to think about him now, but I doubt my husband will write to another stranger now. I appreciate the input though.

Oh Kathy, I am sorry you husband feels fear from writing this guy and thinking that he might be exposed so to speak. If the guy has a good program don't worry he won't and shouldn't say anything. I know that might be a huge pill for him to swallow while he is on the inside but really when I sponsor others and they share with me things I don't share it with others. And I know that trust is such a issue for ME in recovery because when I was drinking and using and I trusted everyone and anyone and now I have to ask God for help on who I can trust. Tell your husband don't give up before the miracle happens someone will come along to help him. If you want I can send you a letter of encouragement to him and let him know he isn't alone okay. Stay strong girl and if you need to vent don't hesitate to pm me okay.

hugs to you both!!!!
cherrie from tx

Does he have access to the internet ? If so there are meetings on line for people unable to find or get out to a meeting. Hope this helps.

As for having a god the big book says Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. You see it's through working the steps we have a spiritual awaking.
(step 11)
God Bless - Jessica

Kathy, have him write to me. PM me for my address. I know it's customary to have same sex sponsors, but I also know that in a pinch anyone will work. I'm old school recovery, as you might know, and you can vouch for me to him, I think. It's been too long that he's been needing some help without getting it, so just PM me. I'll give you my address and he can write to me----or give me his and I'll write to him, or whatever.

Kathy,
Your husband and I probably have a lot in common as far as beliefs. I do not believe in any god or higher power, or that someone should just play along to get through a 12-step program if their heart is not in it.

There is another self-help recovery group called LifeRing that may be just what he is looking for in a program. If you go to their website www.unhooked.com (http://www.unhooked.com) you'll find a lot of information about the group, online chat meetings, and several very good books.

The group's official name is LifeRing Secular Recovery. Since the group is "secular" they do not have any references to gods, religion, or prayers. The program is set up so each person creates their own recovery program based on their needs. They don't require sponsors either. That, given his location, is a plus. What is great about LifeRing Secular Recovery is that no matter what your beliefs you are able to participate and be successful.

There is an excellent workbook called Recovery By Choice (http://www.unhooked.com/lifering.com/workbook/index.htm) on their website that he can use to make his program his. I think more and more people are finding that the one-size-fits-all programs, while helpful for many, are not for everyone. No matter how much we're urged to find a god or higher power, it just ain't gonna happen.

MY DISCLAIMER: This is not an attempt to disparage NA, AA, etc. What I just wrote is an attempt to address Kathy's husband's religious beliefs without asking him to change them. I feel that 12-step programs have been instrumental in helping millions of people in recovery and they will continue to help many more.