except for one major difference, i am not lying. i am really just not sure what to do. he is my husband although i do not believe he considers me his wife. He could not think of me as his wife and treat me the way he does. so i guess my head is not confused but my heart is. he is in jail now with no bond even though this is his first offense cdv.It is the only one that i have called the cops and reported there have been others since.He got out on bond but on the day of the jury trail he asked for he was at the courthouse threatening me in front of people that did not take that too lightly.needless to say , no bond. He is also on probation and if convicted he will violate and do 18 months,which really i do not want. but it seems the only way to make this change is tell them i lied. but i am afraid to because he really is not very nice and i think that in the long run he will turn this around and use it against me to take our son away from me along with his mother . Which that is what she dedicates each and every day to now.anyway, i do not know what to do and if there is another way to handle this i need to know . unfortunately i depend on him still financialy and to make matters worse i am easily suckered in because i do love him and want to believe that he loves me too! help!!!1

You are the only one who knows how safe you are - that is the first thing - stay safe! Don't lie, that's the second thing. Don't let him think he can threaten you into anything. Find help, that's the third thing>

South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault
P.O. Box 7776
Columbia, SC 29202-7776
TOLL-FREE: 800-260-9293
Phone: 803-256-2900
FAX: 803-256-1030

talk to them NOW. Don't think he can turn this around, the courts are really a lot wiser than that! He can say anything he wants, but he's the one doing time, and that does say something, doesn't it? And don't think this isn't domestic violence, it is, it is.

Talk to the domestic abuse people. If you need it, they can find you shelter with your son, they can help you file protective orders, they can even start divorce proceedings for you.
You don't want to bring your son up to think that what's happening to you is right. . . and the worse news is that 60% of the men who beat their wives also beat their children, and you don't want that for him either.
If you need to talk more, put your cursor over my name, click, and choose "send a PM". I'll be here!

Please listen to Nimuay, she will only tell you the truth and help you. There are alot of us walking the same road as you kmb so never believe you are alone. sokie

Read the book, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, or skip to the chapters most suiting for this particular situation. I think itwill offer u a world of help.


except for one major difference, i am not lying. i am really just not sure what to do. he is my husband although i do not believe he considers me his wife. He could not think of me as his wife and treat me the way he does. so i guess my head is not confused but my heart is. he is in jail now with no bond even though this is his first offense cdv.It is the only one that i have called the cops and reported there have been others since.He got out on bond but on the day of the jury trail he asked for he was at the courthouse threatening me in front of people that did not take that too lightly.needless to say , no bond. He is also on probation and if convicted he will violate and do 18 months,which really i do not want. but it seems the only way to make this change is tell them i lied. but i am afraid to because he really is not very nice and i think that in the long run he will turn this around and use it against me to take our son away from me along with his mother . Which that is what she dedicates each and every day to now.anyway, i do not know what to do and if there is another way to handle this i need to know . unfortunately i depend on him still financialy and to make matters worse i am easily suckered in because i do love him and want to believe that he loves me too! help!!!1

Honey, there's very little chance of him managing to take your son... unless you are an unfit mess, the courts are not going to grant custody to someone convicted of a DV offense, while on probation, no less.
His mother has very little chance of doing more than annoying and scaring you, the courts don't usually give Grandparents much weight in these matters, unless both parents are proven unfit.
He may or may not "love" you but I'll tell ya true, unless he's forced to take responsibility for the way he behaves towards you, HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Honestly, the odds are not good for him changing, no matter what, but it's a lock that "if nothin' changes, nothin' changes".

You have a son... do you want to teach him that violence in the home is normal and acceptable? That's the message you will send if you back down on this.

Contact the agency to which Nimuay referred you, there's all sorts of help available to you to get on your own feet, emotionally and financially.
There's no reason in the world you should have to be stuck living with the whims of someone who is, as you (I suspect very generously) describe him "not very nice"

I have met so many women who worry so much about loosing their children to these abusers. Don't they understand that these are just idle threats. Thats how men like this live their lives, they threaten and abuse to get their own way. Unfortunately, it works most of the time. My ex used to threaten me all the time, just to get what he wanted. Unfortunately, I was so affraid of him, that most of the time the threats worked. Ladies, these men can't take your children, the laws are pretty much for the moms, unless unfit, so don't let them bullst into them getting their own way.

Why would you risk getting into trouble for something that he did to you? He is the idiot that hit you and then he turns around and threatens you in front of people?
I agree with someone above, read that book and another book is 'Men that hate women and the women that love them; why loving hurts and you don't know why'.
But your child's father will not be able to take your child away. If he is telling you that, he's just full of it and threatening you to scare you. He obviously has a history of past abuse, and he may love you all he wants, but that doesn't mean anything.
I was/kinda am in the same situation, however my ex is locked up for violating his parolle for another reason. He did get locked up for domestic violence and assaulting me, however I didn't show up because I did not want to be the fault of him going back to prison for a min. of 5 years. It only took him 2 weeks to violate for other charges, not against me. I kept in close contact with his PO, in which my ex was not allowed around me and he knew I wasn't playing anymore.
Anyways, reading and figuring out about me, why I put up with that crap, asking myself if I was actually happy with being treated like crap, unhappy with him, all that. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Not only that runs thru my mind, but the embarrassment and humiliation that he has put me thru. My friends know (the friends that I have left because he pretty much ran all them off), my family, and I was especially worried about my children. Would you want your son to be like that man? What about if you had a daughter? Would you want her to be with a man like that? Are you genuinely happy around him? Don't just block out the bad times either, which I have a huge problem doing, putting the good over the numerous bad times. I think to myself also when I get really lonely and miss him, is remembering how I felt while he was sitting in the next room and I was crying my eyes out because he was so mean, even when no physical abuse had happened.
Girl, bottom line, you deserve better and you know this. Toughin up and if you know that he can manipulate you, then don't talk to him. That's what I have had to do and it really helps. Days turn into weeks. Start getting out too, alone or with people. Heck, and I had to get that horrible image of me and my ex being a happy family with our 2 children. Not reality. And if he hit you once, twice, 10xs, I wouldn't put any money on him never doing it again. He is who he is and nobody is going to change him, not you or his family, whomever. Don't let him manipulate you into believing him girl, he's a liar, obviously.
Also, if he is violating his probation girl, he will do a good enough job all by himself and continue to get locked up. Maybe think of it that way if you blame yourself at all, do you want to be the reason? You aren't, but I always thought like that. Give him a string and he'll think he has a rope. Do not get into trouble for his actions, you are not his momma!! Married or not!!!