Divorced by the time my son was six months old, him being raised by a very fine man in every respect, and now 32 years later, convicted of assualt with intent to commit great bodily injury, domestic assault and 5 counts of tampering with a witness (5 of them). This same boy broke the jaw of a girl who also witnessed him choking out his mother until she nearly passed out. Obviously full of anger. His mother being a very mean and violent person ( confirmed by others who have been around her all these years as I live 3000 miles away from her) who as I saw for myself at his arrest, was very much out of touch with him and reality and who has a somewhat of a love hate relationship with our son, admittedly
believes in his guilt wants to seek release. How do I deal with having seen the crime scene myself and knowing that his story could not have possibly have happened the way he says and also know that the d.a's version isn't correct either. They said my son repeatedly struck her head on the carpeted floor, over and over again. Her injuries were not consistant with that senerio. They were however consistant with her head being struck against the headboard since the headboard had a series of curved openings, shaped like a "u" and this poor girls head injuries were compound injuries, that is 8 or more "
flat " strikes one over the top of the other, together with several bruises behind both ears also in a curved shape.
In my heart I know he did it. He never asked about her funeral arrangements, or how her mother (his future mother-in-law) was. Both myself and the ploice noticed that he cried without a single tear showing.
My current family, who does know him, is down on me because they think he's innocent, even though they didn't see the fresh cuts on his forarm or the bloody fabric burns on his knees.
I had at one time, a very extensive police backround, from both sides of the law (first as a juvenile parolee then later as a police officer),and so could read the crime scene evidence as well as any of the investigators. I'm torn between feeling that my responsibility is to make sure no other girls get hurt by him. I asked his mother if he had my temper,(I had a very violent one, combined with a short fuse.. Thats how I ended up on parole and later lost my job as a police officer), her responce was that my son's is worse.
I'm torn between the guilt I have for leaving him and his mother,(even though he says I would have killed his mother... I hope just a figure of speech), and that of feeling protective of other girls. I now have a grown daughter and have never layed my hands on anyone in over 30 years, however my daughter is in a very violent relationship and daily I'm reminded of the fact that I could one day be the parent of a dead child.
I guess after all of this what I'm trying to say is... Do I fight for my son because the D.A. both lied and acted improperly in court and could face disbarment or sensorship for his actions in court, either way my son could possibably get out. Am I wrong as a parent or should say as a father (as thats all I did was just father him), for not wanting to see him get out???
I'm 53 years old and still have to ask others for advise on how to handle issues in my life.... There's something wrong with that I think. Some days I feel like I'm going out of my mind with conflict. I have my son's dog so each and every day as I look at him I am reminded of my son and the tears I watched jessica's family shed each and every day in court.
Has anyone else felt this way and how did or do you deal with it??? I've been living with this for a year now and know that one day several years from now will get out of prison, probably even more angry and no doubt more violent. He is currently housed in a level 4 prison and I'm told will recieve no mental help at all. I guess some things never change. When I was a cop, nobody ever got help. Just housed and then released to do it all over again and since my son appearently has been arrested 4 or 5 times for D.V. he will most likely be a repeater.
My current marriage of 32 years is almost completely over, we barely talk any more and if we do it can't be about my son or its off to war. I feel empty and useless as a human being, as well as a father. I'm on enough anti-depressents to make someone else goofy with happiness, yet most days I feel like I wish I was dead.
My sons from this marriage have turned out very well. One ownes his own business and makes in one day what I make in 6 weeks, the other has a very beautiful wife and a child, their first, do in a matter of days, and my daughter, well I told you how she was. It doesn't feel good to only "bat 500".
I'd welcome any help or advise I can get. This is the only place I know where I can go for help.

it is never to late! forgiveness is the name of the game and i think it's time you forgave yourself.......

i'm sure you catch my drift. i was married to you for 28 years but you never reformed. my own son has this rage, he is doing 10 years for a violent fist fight. so, i know your pain and it's NOT your fault. if your son get's it together it will be because HE wants to. you can lead the horse, bla, bla, bla.

i understand you feel sad because you think it's a life wasted and it's flesh and blood but it's not your life and you didn't do this. do you have contact with him?

Welcome to PTO! i'm glad you are here. we can learn from each other.

You're not wrong to see the situation accurately about your son's crime. You were a police officer yourself, so you know not only that he did it but that he's likely to do it again if he doesn't seek help. But it's not your fault. Our kids come through us, but they aren't us and they don't belong to us. They're their own persons. I admire you for being able to see things objectively, while still obviously loving your son with all your heart. You're a much better father and much better influence for good in his life than you feel like you are. Everything that has happened in your life to this point has prepared you to be a postive influence for him as he goes through this. You're not going to be able to indulge in the mistake of denial of the seriousness of his problems because of your background, which means you won't have the tendency to enable him in any way, which would only help him to continue in his destructive pattern.

My heart goes out to you and your son. You can't let your feelings of guilt rob him of the support you can give him now when he needs it most. Instead, be glad that God prepared you for this difficult time and give it your all.

I don't have children yet, so I cannot say I understand how you feel. I do, however, recognize the resignation in your words. I know the feeling of not wanting to wake up because you have to conciosly deal with everything on your plate. My advice is, try to be positive. Leave your son;s fate in the hands of those who will inevitably have control over it no matter what you say. Try to focus on the positive things you ahve in life. Your children. Build relationships, and become reacquainted with yourself. Its very easy to become detached from who you are by the circumstances around you. Everything happens for a reason, stay strong and try to take one baby step at a time. If you try to see the whole picture at one time, before it ahs had time to develop, it will certainly hurt your eyes.
I don;t know if I'm making sense, but I really hope you feel better soon.
christina

I just answered you in the other forum you posted this in. I hope what I had to say will help to ease your feelings of guilt and depression a little bit. Hugs!

The fact that you have great concern and want to do what is in your son's best interest as well as any future romantic interest he may have is more than most father's would have. This is a good sign for your son. It means that you may be able to help him since you have the desire to do so. Other's want to believe the boy is innocent. After all we all see our kids as being that little kid that couldn't do anything bad. But being able to face the facts objectively will give you an opportunity to present this to your family in a different light.

Rather than argue and fight over this topic try to find common ground. Example, "Let's not even discuss whether he is guilty or innocent for a moment and look at other factors such as he does have a known problem with anger management that has caused him to lose control of himself and put others in danger. Everyone knows this and it is not disputed by anyone. So it might be in his best interest if we could take this opportunity to get him some help with this problem so that he knows how to deal with conflict in an appropriate manner. Why don't we all discuss what options are available for him? The DA wants him locked up. No one here believes that will help his situation and in fact it may make it worse. So what can we do to help him get help though he may not realize he needs it. If we could find a middle ground that the DA would accept that would increase his chances of a better quality of life than that's what we should focus on. We all want what is best for the boy."

Then think about finding out what alternatives are available for the state he is in. What treatment programs, physciatric treatment and other options that are sanctioned by the state and used in the past as alternative sentencing. Look in unconventional places for these options. You must do a great deal of research and it will not come easy. There must be something available that you are not aware of. Don't count on his lawyer to know of all of the possibilities they just don't.

You of all people can understand what your son feels along with the how and whys of the domestic violence as you also was once in his shoes. Having been there and done that, you know what it took for you to change. He needs you more than anyone else. Only you can understand him. You may be very instrumental in helping him get this under control. Since he cannot snow you with a bunch of meaningless phrases that one may say to a counslor in order to be deemed "cured". You will know exactly when he is being honest and when he is not. And you can call him on it, out of love. We've all heard of tough love. But I'd like to submit to you all that our concept of it is a bit misguided. Typically the concept of tough love is consider to be the one of let them sink or swim, they made their choices let them now deal with the consequences.

If they must learn to swim on their own, be there with them watching them constantly never taking your eyes off them. Let them struggle as they must but ensure they do not sink. Don't let them go under. Pull them up and let them continue to struggle until they learn but don't let them sink.

What can you do to help him learn to swim through these struggles that have such deep rooted control over him without allowing him to sink? My best to your son and he will be in my prayers as will you.

Thanks honey... That's why you and I hit it off so well... You're always there with the right words....

You're welcome.

I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN OF MY OWN YET, BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN THAT LOVE YOU,SO YOUR LIFE IS NOT USELESS. I KNOW YOUR UPSET BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOUR SON IS GUILTY, BUT IT MIGHT MAKE YOU FEEL LESS STRESS TO EXSPRESS YOUR FEELINGS DIRECTLY TO HIM. REACH OUT. YOU MIGHT VERY WELL BE THE ONE TO REACH HIM.