View Full Version : He's coming home what should I expect?


lel
09-13-2003, 06:20 PM
My bf is coming home in 49 days. I know he will have to get use to life in the free world. What should I expect? What are some normal emotions he will go through after he is home and getting use to being home? He has been in prison for 10 years.

FriscoLady
09-13-2003, 06:50 PM
lel,

I did a lot less time than you boyfriend, so I can only go on my own experiences and emotions.

First of all, for me, was the shock of how Linda kept our affairs going without me, don't get me wrong she is quite competent, but I really, felt like I was not needed.

She was taking care of my parents, grandchildren, and house, and I must admit doing it quite well.

One thing I found really odd, especially for me, was that I would not touch the doors, the first few days back I had to be reminded that I could open that door or turn on the light.

Emotions, now that is one for you, I was ecstatic, elated, scared to death, uncertain of myself and our future, all at the same time.

I was afraid to be touched, oh at visitation you can hug and kiss, hello and good bye. But, it was more the feeling that if she touched me it was for a pat down or I would get written up. Left over reactions from prison I guess. Even now I dont like to be touched.

Especially, at night, I had a hard time, I was afraid to go to sleep, because I was afraid I would wake up back in prison, and it would be just a dream that I was home. I still dont sleep well. I keep waking up expecting to be back inside, so I dont sleep until I am absolutely exhausted.

Patti

toi_ama
09-13-2003, 07:07 PM
He'll probably eat too fast, too, and then be embarrassed about it maybe. And it may bother him to sleep in the same bed with someone else. Being touched when you're asleep isn't usually a good thing in prison, so you get jumpy about that. I've known people who were very sure that they were standing out in the crowd, so to speak, and very self-conscious thinking that the world must surely recognize them as having been in prison. People who just get out really don't want to stand out or be known as having just gotten out. Clothing might be an infatuation with them because they can choose what they wear instead of never having a choice. Sometimes things like this can be overwhelming to them. Making decisions may be hard because they get their decision making taken away to a great extent in prison. Trust-------that's a biggie----lots of people have to learn all over again to trust anyone because in prison, it's not wise to put your trust in anyone but yourself. I've never been in prison, but these are some things I've noticed about people I've known who have come out of prison.

The value system in prison is very different that it is out here. Out here, we're pretty laid back compared to in there. Out here, if somebody bumps into you or steps on your foot or cuts ahead of you in a waiting line, it's just not a biggie-------in there, it can get somebody killed. Not to say he's gonna come out here and kill you or some bimbo who butts into the grocery line, but you know what I mean, I think. He may over-react to things that are trivial to you, but that he's used to reacting to.

The very best advice I think I can give to you is to just accept him as he is when he gets out. Don't try to "help him adjust" in obvious ways. Just let him know you love him and kind of follow his lead as far as how he acts, letting him know that it's okay and that he's got time to find his way without judgment from you. Don't try to hurry him or change him, and don't keep reminding him that something he's doing is a result of being in prison.

lel
09-13-2003, 07:23 PM
Thank you both for your insight. I just read another post within this forum. The post was about what is taken from inmates. They loose the idenity and decision making. He is such a warm hearted kind person I was mad at how they must have treated him. I want to be there for his transition into the free world and I want him to be able to lean on me when he needs to. I know it will be hard for him at first. This is why I needed the insight into what I could expect so that I can help him.

toi_ama
09-13-2003, 07:37 PM
Well, leaning on anyone is going to take him awhile, but he'll be very grateful that you're there for him, I'm sure.

lel
09-13-2003, 07:40 PM
his comfort is what i am concerned with. I hate the fact that he will have to endure any type of transition into the free world and I understand that there are reasons why a person must be stripped of all that they know but it angers me that he has had to go through this simply because I love him.

lel
09-13-2003, 07:42 PM
im sure I am not the only one to ever feel this anger over a loved one. but still it does not make his free life any easier.

toi_ama
09-13-2003, 08:28 PM
Well, at least he IS coming home and then both of you can work on creating wonderful memories of being together out here. I wish you everything good, both of you!

Solo's Lady!
09-13-2003, 08:41 PM
WELL LADY I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU WISH MINE WAS HOME SOON BUT BE CAREFUL WHEN HE DOES GET HOME HE'LL WANT TO SEE THE WROLD . EXPECT ALOT OF CHANGES WITH THE BOTH OF YOU YEA HE MIGHT RUN IN TO OLD FRINEDS AND TRY TO HANG OUT YA KNOW. TRY NOT TO THINK HE'LL CHEAT BUT IT CAN HAPPEN :( I KNOW ALL OF US THINK ABOUT IT BUT HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR ALONG TIME JUST GET BUFF JUST IN CASE OF SOME BUTT KICKING LOL. BESIDES THAT GIRL GO GET SOME SEXY THINGS FOR THE ROOM (NOTHING TOO $ IT'LL JUST BE COMING OFF N-E WAYS YA KNOW. HAVE LOTS OF FUN AND LET US KNOW HOW EVERYTHING GOES.

lel
09-13-2003, 08:44 PM
lol solo's lady! i have often feared him cheating. lack of years of kissing frogs to find his princess while i have had time to kiss them frogs to find my prince. we met after he was already in prison. his brother is my best friend!

mamawen
09-15-2003, 10:49 AM
It's so nice to know others' feel the same as you. I think about that often...my husband would have been locked up for 10 and 1/2 years when he comes home in 06 and I try not to think about him cheating...but...honestly, I do.

I'm happy for you and your honey. Welcome him home for all of us...I'm sure it will be tough...nothing good comes easy...that's why labor is so rough. :)
Wendy

giggles4ver
09-23-2003, 07:31 PM
When my man came home from his first term we didn't live together, but it was hard to get used to some fo the things he would do. The one thing that totally cracked me up was that he would wash his boxers when he took a shower. Just a habit he got from being in prison. But he had a hard time sleeping at night. He adjusted back pretty well, and didn't have too hard of a time. Just be understanding..and enjoy being able to be together :)

lel
09-23-2003, 08:12 PM
When they are in prison, they addapt to habbits that we would not produce or subject them to if they were home. One good thing being is we always know where the washing machine is. Its aint in the sink that would just be spouceal abuce. lol

mamawen
09-25-2003, 09:19 AM
ohmygawsh, giggles...when we have our family visits, my husband goes into the shower with his boxers. i was laughing so hard, i almost fell over. :)

GottaLuvJustice
09-28-2003, 06:20 PM
I really loved what toi said. what great advice!!

accept him as he is when he gets out. Don't try to "help him adjust" in obvious ways. Just let him know you love him and kind of follow his lead as far as how he acts, letting him know that it's okay and that he's got time to find his way without judgment from you. Don't try to hurry him or change him, and don't keep reminding him that something he's doing is a result of being in prison.

awesome!! thanks toi!

gillian

countess
10-04-2003, 04:01 PM
My husband was released on Aug 4th, after 23 months of incarceration. I see some changes in him; some good, some not so good. He is hyper about getting everything done at once and has tried real hard to make his life the way it was before he got into trouble. Some things just can't be recaputured.

We are trying to build a new life together. We've both changed, so it's not as easy as it was when we first met. Some of the changes in both of us are not positive. We will need to work on those issues very carefully.

The only thing you can do is be there for him like you have been through his prison time. Only the strong survive; and I like to think we're both strong in our commitment to each other.

It will be okay!!!!

Countess

mamawen
10-06-2003, 09:38 AM
Countess,
I hope you continue to keep us updated on your martial progress. It would be highly beneficial to us to learn from your successes and failures.

I am very happy for you and your husband's return home. I pray that it is a long road of goodness for your family.
Wendy

Manzanita
10-21-2003, 02:10 PM
My husband has been in jail for 15 years, and we just had our first family visit and he handled it well. He had a had time grasping that it was real, he was in shock. He did not know how to use the microwave, but he knew how to use all the remotes, the DVD player and I didnt! He did eat a lot, and he ate sometimes standing up and fast too, but nothing weird, I expected that stuff. He could not go to the bathroom, probably from nerves, LOL, he was very nervous at first but we got so comfortable affter a little bit of time. I think it all may just take time and patience...I am sure they just need us to be there and listen.

mamawen
10-21-2003, 02:35 PM
I remember our first family visit. We were both beyond nervous! My husband had been locked up for about 7 years then and he was in shock over everything. It was cute to watch. He's used to it now. We had our 4th one last week.

Teardrop
10-23-2003, 05:31 PM
I want to wish you luck and tell you about my experience when my husband came home. There was definetly an adjusting period and it was stressful on both of us. One thing that was very hard on him was finding a job. He got very discouraged and I just tried to help him out the best that I could. Like checking the newspaper and making a list of locations and driving him to them. Another thing that was hard on our family was that our son did not really know him and didn't want to be around him at all. That took a lot of time but my son has finally come around and is close with his dad. The hardest thing that I have had to deal with is the old "friends" that he has run into. I have tried to keep him away from the bad influences but have had to let him be around them a little bit. Also, an ex girlfriend contacted him and they had a brief affair. :argh :pissed: :( He told me about it and we are trying to work through it and are going to counseling. He said that he wants to change but it is hard to come home and not be the person that he was. He has had an internal conflict on choosing to be the old person or the new. He has decided to try harded on the "new and improved" and I am working with him and trying to be here for him the best that I can as I have always done. When they come home, you are so happy to be with them but it is definetly not all peaches and creme. There is a lot of work that goes into it all. Please PM me if you need to talk. I wish you and your love the best.

lunachild
11-08-2003, 02:27 PM
My boyfriend is an avid outdoorsman and camper. I am going to rent a rustic cabin for his release date and go the day before and get it ready. I have already gotten a babysitter for the week. I am just going to let him roam the woods and get back in sync with himself. I have kids and he has a kid so this will give him time to get his bearings before the onslaught. We have older kids so they can understand. He's been in jail before and I know he has a hard time sleeping but this is his first stint at state. It is a surprise and I know he is going to love it. I was glad to read some of the other posts on what to expect. I'm happy to know my instincts are right. Now I can calm down a little bit. There is a long story behind this post!

SlopokesJoy
11-13-2003, 10:35 PM
I worry about how he's going to react when he's out,but I worry about our 2 year old son the most? How do I go about getting them close. He hasn't seen or touched his daddy since
February 2 of this year and the last time he seen him (on screen) was when he was in county jail in July. He hasn't heard his voice or anything due to the program that my guy is in. I know things are going to be a lil rough around the edges for us but we'll work through them with God's help. Like you, Teardrop...... I dread having his old friends come around. Because with them comes the old habits that sent him where he is now.