Hi Everyone,

I have a question. My ex is currently serving 3 months in the county prison for harassment against me. Basically it was constant phone calls and ringing my doorbell at all hours. He is on work release at the moment. The reason he is in jail is because he violated his probation by harassing me again and my friend called the police. Unfortunately my ex started yelling at the cop on the phone, and the cop decided to get him on the probation violation (he would have just let him go with a warning). I do feel badly about the outcome and that he is serving time for phone calls (though he was bad with the constant calling in the am and all night).

When he pleaded guilty to the current charges, the courts instituted a no contact order. Can I as the victim have that rescinded when he gets out of jail in May? How long do no contact orders stay in effect? Do I need to contact the DA's office or the Majestrate that tried the case? If I am able to get the No Contact order lifted, will he be notified? Also, I would like to write him a letter while he is in jail, if he replied would he get in trouble?

Thanks for any help you can provide.

I've been doing alot of digging in this area because I have a restraining order that I want to keep in effect so I'll tell you what I have learned. They tell me if it is a part of his parole when he is released then it will not be lifted as long as he is on parole. If it issued from a court it will expire within 6 months and you have to get it brought against them again before that time is up. If you have contact with him you too can be put in jail for breaking the restraining order. So I'd say that his parole office will probably make that part of his parole since I'm told they usually do before releasing them on a domestic or harrassing issue. I don't know about writting because I don't want too so I never looked into it. Good luck. sokie

Sokie gave you good info, but there will be variations from state to state - look yours up.
Besides that, you really need to think about WHY that order is there. He's potentially very dangerous to you, and there is no end to the number of men who go from stalking and threats to actual violence. He's your ex, so there were other problems before this. DON'T romanticize this, just because he's in jail. I mean really thinkkkk, before you do anything about contacting him. It will only encourage him to continue his unpleasant behavior! Whatever you do, don't listen to your heart, but to the statistics.
As to writing - if he writes you, they will probably stop it at the jail. They should have the info about the order and enforce it.

If you still feel that you want him in your life, then you'll probably have to talk to the judge who issued the order.

I know that's a lot more than the info you wanted, but I rarely pass up the chance to wave red flags and discourage women from remaining in such relationships.

nimuay is correct also, as to the different state laws,i live in Alabama,and I unfortunately had to obtain one against a boyfriend whom i dated more than 20 yrs.ago, the order cannot be changed-period and it remains in effect for a minimum of a year,-also ,i very much agree with her advice about this man, he sounds like he is out of control,it's not love,when they call repeatedly,and cause you grief,he sounds controling,and aggressive,and in need of anger management classes, his behavior is not normal,and it usually only gets worse,he will have even more anger built up as a result of going back to jail,think about your future,and is this the life you really want to live? this is just my opinion, ... a no contact order means, no contact,through letters,calls,visits,and also in alabama, you can not have indirect contact through a 3rd party,which would be him sending messages to you through a mutual friend/relative,it means absolutely-no contact-at all in any way, shape,form or fashion. His p.o. would be one to talk to,or the DA,or Judge,even if it's in the form of a letter,that is what i did,and i got a response from the circuit clerk,everytime also,it is not your fault that he is in prison-it is his actions that landed him there,not yours. Don't let him make you feel guilty or sorry for him,good luck to you and i hope things work out.

In sokie's state it may be 6 months...but in many states they list on the protection order or say on the record how long it lasts. Often times, it's at least throughout their term of probation or parole. If it's while they're on probation or in prison you'll need to make a motion to the judge. The prosecutor will not really have a role in this. Their case is done. It's the judge's decision, not the DA. If it's while they're on parole, you'd need to talk to the PO.

As someone else said, you need to look at why it's been put in place. No judge wants a dead girl on his docket because he made the mistake of lifting a no contact order or protection order. You acknowledge he continuously harasses you so why would you want to welcome him back into your life if he's only being a pain in your back side?

Thank you all for your answers! I did some digging in the meantime. I called the DA's office and they really had no answer for me. I next called the judge's office and the woman that answered the phone there was very nice and helpful. She pulled up the file and said the no contact order is in effect for 1 year. She explained to me that I can contact his Probation officer to see if I can have it removed. The judge's office does not have the authority to rescind it.

I know that some people are wondering why I would want to get back with him. I know he is a good person, and he has illustrated that many times throughout our relationship. He does need counseling more than incarceration, and the judge's clerk said that he is likely getting that. We have both been through a lot together, he has never physically harmed me in any way, nor do I feel he will. He is starved for affection, and he focused all his attention and energy on me. That issue would need to be dealt with through counseling. Unfortunately prior to this, neither of us could afford counseling (I wanted us to go to couples counseling, he was aggreeable on that). My heart aches for him, I do harbor some guilt that he is in jail (although I know his own actions put him there), and I do hope he is not angry with me. I also hope he is getting some treatment.

I have decided not to send the letter I wrote him, I do not want him to get in trouble, I will likely call him once he is out, to see if he would like to talk, even if it is just a chance for me to say goodbye to him. If he wishes to reconcile, I would be open to that on the condition that he is in treatment. Up until he got arrested we were engaged to be married, so I guess, it is a bit hard for me to just let him go.

"He is starved for affection" is not a good excuse for what he was doing. A few other pointers - he needs his own counseling, something that has nothing at all to do with you. Couples counseling will do absolutely nothing but possibly get you hurt emotionally, even if it doesn't lead to physical abuse. And don't kid yourself, emotional abuse is still abuse!

MsDLB, I was reading your post about 'hoping that he isn't angry with me'. I hope you don't take what I am about to write wrong but if he is locked up I am betting he thinks about you ALOT and will hold grudges. Maybe not now, at this very moment, but when he is released and starts thinking about the time he has lost. Don't ever forget he put himself there and you are not to blame even when he decides you are. I understand what you mean about 'a bit hard for me to just let go' because I struggle daily with it too over my husband but I understand I can't fix him and I won't be the center of his anger when things don't go his way. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that he does change for the better with counseling but mine didn't-he just got more slick and used the information to terrorize me more when whipping up on me. After all it was my fault he was having to take the time out of his busy schedule to attend these weekly classes...Good luck. sokie

In washington state you can ask a judge to remove the order. However; if he has probation the probation office more than likely will put a no contact order on you two. As for writing letter at least in my experience they may send them back as you are not to have contact with him either if there is an order. My lesson learned through all my DV situations is unless you are in danger don't ever get the government involved. I understand that you feel guilty, my husband is serving 18 mos. for phone stuff. Be careful with the police unless you are being physically harmed.

My husband and I got in an arguement in Sept.2006 the 7th to be exact....on October 1st he was picked up for PCS.He went to county.On 11-3-06 he was sentenced to a NCO in District court...he spent 4 months in county in wich I bailed him out January 22,2007. He came home as it's OUR house. In April 2007 knowing he was NOT to be at home ( he had no other place to go) he came home from work about 10:00PM and the neighbor called the police. *BOOM* residential Berg. April 17th he was picked up at work. I have not seen him nor talked to him since the 17th of April. He was sentenced on May 1st for PCS and violating a NCO he has been up at larch corrections for 7 1/2 months and has 11 months to go before work release. I requested last summer as I gave birth to our son in June to be able to visit I was denied as they are minimum security and can't "protect" me...I went to district court today and filed a motion and got on the docket to have this NCO modified or recended...I go on Feb 7th to the district court for the NCO issued out of our city. in April when the neighbor called he got a BREAKING a NCO offense tis why he is At Larch for as long as he was sentenced. As I said it was OUR house he had the keys he let himself in as he always did everynight ...his dinner was in the microwave as it always everynight.So I will have to also deal with a Supiorer NCO / Violating a NCO... We write to each other alot but, we NEED to see each other and talk....I hope this works and me and the kids ( we have a 9 yr old, an 8 yr old and a 7 month old) get to go see him...:-)

We were so graciously granted to be able to write or e mail....well that's not good enough my baby doesn't read nor write ...

Tammy, there's no use getting snippy about the NCO. What you need to do is learn about the reasons, and learn about why an "argument" isn't what you had. You had a fight, or at least one of you did. Someone got abused, so that's the reason for the NCO. If you think that's an all right way to live, then you can just tell the judge and PO so. But that won't get the order quashed.

Do your best to understand what happened, why id did, why it's wrong. And once you begin to educate yourself about the whole thing you might have enough information to convince someone that you are acting intelligently in asking for the NCO to be vacated.

It's there because abusers have been known to burn down the house, known to beat on the kids. The system is making an effort to keep that from happening on its watch. It's up to you and him to prove otherwise right now.

The police put a protective order on my husband. He violated several times. I bailed him out twice after hitting me etc. Then the third time, the police and protective order saved my life. It's hard when I think about the good times and not hearing his voice, but he is safe where he is, and hopefully he will learn to corrrect his behavior with the great programs they have in there. I know he was not in long enough before I bailed him out, so, he took me for granted and bragged to his family that I will do anything for him etc. and then I guess he felt he owned me and used me like a punching bag. If he does that to his mates in prison, they will beat him up. I think he wants to be beat up. He begged me to hit him and I said "no, I can't, I love you" and one time that made him back up and think. He is angry. I wonder at what point the anger and blame directed at me for his being in prison will leave. I hope he gets the mental health help and programs on violence that he desperately needs. I want to bail him out so bad, but I know he will come back more angry as the cycle of violence has him in it's grip. It's very hard to let go. I'm sticking with him but if he ever raises a hand to me again, he's going back to the factory.

Kelly, just how sure are you that the next time you will live through it? Especially with the anger building while he's in, and with his assumption that he owns you??? I had an acquaintance who thought like that - and one day his dog didn't obey him quickly enough. He kicked it. And killed it with that one kick. Then he stood there and cried, because he "loved" that dog.

Could be you.

Dang it! I have been trying all morning to get this picture to take in my avatar so I can show everyone what happened to me when I gave it 'that just one more time' stuff.:banghead:

Love, that could be one of the bravest things you might ever do. Maybe just scan it as an attachment . . . because it's not your avatar - to us that is not the face you wear. Personally, I like the baby angel. Or check with Flamered - she can help you put it into a post.

I am an avid poster and write often on PTO, but I have yet to tell my story and add to the Domestic Violence threads.

But I wanted to tell the OP... I had a no contact order on my BD (damn I am still typing boyfriend), ordered by the judge because he was arrested twice for hitting me once and kicking in my door another time while the order was in effect. I didn't ask for it, the judge ordered it.

Like you said, he was starved for affection, devoted all of his life and time to me (controlling as I later figured out) and I changed the order to a no offensive contact order... well as time went on, it got worse, because I had a demanding job (law firm) and he couldn't handle being without me... (Oh but he just loves me sooo much I thought)...

To make a long story short, one day I came home and he came with me... I was late, had to do some OT... by the end of the evening I was in the hospital.

I had been strangled, beaten, tied up, gagged so hard that it made both the inside and outside of my mouth raw, drug around the house like a dog... all while I was pregnant.

But oh... he just needed counseling. WTF? I'm still dealing with being without him, I look at his son... his twin every day and am reminded of him. My son HAD a twin... I lost it.

Just that ONE more time, when I should have left him alone after he violated the first order. That one last time was almost my last time on this earth. I can make the excuse "he was high out of his mind" which is true... but that would not have brought me back to life.

I'm healing sweetie, learning more (because I had never even had a man yell at me more or less hit me) and abuse is abuse. Getting counseling together sounds good. Makes you feel like a 'great couple trying to get it together right?' yeah... we did that too... but it was us as a couple... it was HIM as a man, and not my love or anyone else's will change that until he is in love with himself.

Please leave the order alone and use that time for YOU. Let him get what he needs! Step Out of God's way and let him TALK to him while he's in there... HE is the only one that can fix this thing, that is what I truly believe.

I don't want you to be like me... still scared at night. Cause a stranger didn't hurt me.. .the man I love (not past tense) is the one who did the most damage to me.

Now I have to go wash my face, cause I rarely talk about this and this is why I dont' post over here often, but I have to deal with this thing and if sharing my pain can save someone from some... I gotta do it!

NIM - you inspire me all the time (when you aint gettin on my nerves)!

Tink, what purpose would I have in life if not to get on your nerves, LOL.

What I would like to know is how long is long enough to even believe that he has changed? I have one of those long stories too that I can't bring myself to talk about, but it has been 4 and a half years no contact and now he wants a second chance. What do you think?

There's no clarity we can give you on that, jlm. You haven't given us enough to go on...the best scenario is as follows for a hardened abuser: 1-2 years of voluntary therapy with a domestic violence specialist will bring about 3% of the abusers back to behavioral sanity, if they don't drink or drug.

thanks nim its crazy i'm so confused and don't want to make a bad decision his children miss him and it just hurts and is hard.

Once violent- no more chances. That's what I believe now. Over 20 years ago, my "ex." was harassing me at work with phone calls, etc. I was pregnant with our second, and stopped all contact with him after he tried to push me down the stairs when I wouldn't agree to an abortion. (that child- is now my 23 year old daughter). Anyway, fast forward, the calls didn't stop, he came by the apt. broke in, I was in bed, he grabbed me and spit on my face! Then, he did it again. I managed to get him out of my life. I've been married to a "good" man now almost 20 years. My "ex" still tries to control thru law suits. Last one, a slander suit! It lasted almost 7 years. mega $'s, and 2 ulcers later, it was dismissed. And, did I tell you, even though I wasn't with him, he "allegedly" sexually abused our kids? He gave up his parental rights, 1 hour before child protection services was going to dismiss them.
Get rid of the loser! Men who abuse women aren't men, real men, are gentlemen!
No second chances- they just get worse. I'm thankful I got out. The worst was a broken wrist when I "bumped" into him by accident at an ice-cream store with a friend, and both my friends kids and my kids. He grabbed the car keys, insisted that we must have been following him, threw the keys so hard it fractured my left wrist. I should have pressed charges, that was MY mistake. If I "bumped" into him now, I'd, well I won't say what I would do! If he hurt me or the kids though, I'd have his sorry you know what in jail in a heartbeat!

JLM, I am speaking from experience.

It's not easy to say how long is it before they really change. BD has been abusive most of his life from what I have learned after our experience. He's been in and out of prison since he was a teen, grew up around violence, and in prison most of his 33 years. BUT! he never received counseling, talked about his past (except with me, because ours is the same and I turned out well) but I received therapy (in my 20's) and it changed my life. I still have issues I'm working out, but I could have been like him had I not sought counselling, worked out some issues and re-connected with a Higher Power ( I don't say that like an AA member, but out of respect for those who call God anything else, Jehova - Allah)

God can change anyone, but only HIM. And its in HIS time, not ours. Be his friend, from a distance if YOU want to, but be careful. I believe God can and will change BD if he does the work, but I can't determine when that will be. All I can do is take care of me and make sure he doesn't have the chance to hurt me anymore. I could have died that last time, lost one of our twins and I will never forget that.

No soul is lost. Anything we love can be saved, but it doesn't mean its for you to do the work, and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with that person, even if it FEELS like it.

Lawd that is hard for me to say, cause I am so in love with this man, but not in love with that demon that tried to kill me. They are intertwined and can present themselves without warning.

Stay safe.
I'm always here if you need to talk.
Tinky

thanks tink i need to hear that. i know what u mean i love the guy he was before he broke my arm, busted my ear drum and beat me almost dead. its so hard i wonder where that guy went and i want HIM back not the monster. by the grace of god i got out been gone to another state for 4 years and now that i write this i feel crazy for ever believing he has changed. i just want to believe so bad, but i cant ever live that way.what is wrong with me?

JLM, NOTHING!
Nothing is wrong with you. THIS is not your battle! It's the Lord's. I am not a holy roller. I am not a bible thumper. I am a BELIEVER and I even let him beat that out of me at one time.

But I KNOW that the God that loves me, brought me through, saved me from being beaten, stabbed, kicked (while pregnant WITH HIS CHILD) is gonna take care of this as well. Even if it means we are NEVER together again.

There is a spiritual warfare going on for that man's life and he doesn't even know it. God and the Enemy are at war over his soul... and he didn't even realize that you were trying to save him (with your love) before you thought of saving yourself. I've been there... I am there.

This time away, trust me, he's thought about that. He's had nothing but TIME TO think about that. And that man that you fell in love with is still there. He wants to be THERE all the time, but his fear, his past, his wounds, his demons, his insecurities supress that man, because to him, thanks to SOCIETY, that man is weak. They take the word vulnerable and humble and confuse it with WEAK!

Just like we take insecurity and play it off as 'sensitive'. Trust me, therapy does work. I had to get counseling for myself and am considering going back, because I still have work to do on me, if I am to be fit for anyone, more importantly my son. HE is the most important thing in my life. I have to be WHOLE for him if not for me. And only then can I consider taking his father back after all he's done to me. But then I remember, it wasn't him... it was the drugs, the demons that plague him. But until he works on all that and SHOWS me something different, all I can offer him is friendship (even though I am so still in love with him and I still believe he is my soulmate). No one can take that away from me, because no one has lived my life or loved my love but ME!

I pray and listen now, and I try not to do what Tinky wants to do, but what that still...small voice 'the spirit of the Lord = intuition' tells me to do, even when it hurts and I don't want to do it.

I moved away too, I'm starting all over again too... with a baby, and I was scared, but now I'm excited about the possibilities. Please, everyday that you wake up and God grants you another 24 hours to 'get it right' do that... FOR YOU!

Plan, focus, direct... ACT! For you! FIRST! The rest will come. I promise. (Trust me, I'm talking to myself too... )

Hugz and I'm always here
Tinky

jlm - if he has a history of prior abuse, or a family history of abuse or neglect, if he's been diagnosed with a personality disorder, then you've got almost no hope. Even if there were hope, it would only arrive years and years down the line. Don't hope. Just go forward, be a good parent for those kids. Don't forget, abused children often cling to their abusers as much as we cling to ours. . . there is often as much submerged fear as love.

Nimuay, you got me scared! Glad I'm back in therapy soon.

I was an abused child... but I never was abused by MY men! BD is the 1st, only and last... and yet I still cling to him... not just because of my son, but our commonalities in growing up and we understand eachother. I guess that is why it hurts so much sometimes, because he knew the pain that was there before him, so why add to it?

Damn, you make me think too much sometime!

Thanks!

jlm - if he has a history of prior abuse, or a family history of abuse or neglect, if he's been diagnosed with a personality disorder, then you've got almost no hope. Even if there were hope, it would only arrive years and years down the line. Don't hope. Just go forward, be a good parent for those kids. Don't forget, abused children often cling to their abusers as much as we cling to ours. . . there is often as much submerged fear as love.

tinky--nimuay
I was also abused as a child and i never thought of it that way. i think i need some therapy. its so hard. thanks for giving me strength. it feels good to have someone talk to. thank you again.

tinky--nimuay
I was also abused as a child and i never thought of it that way. i think i need some therapy. its so hard. thanks for giving me strength. it feels good to have someone talk to. thank you again.

Jlm... there are more of us than you can imagine. The stronger one's seek knowledge, understanding and help in this. You can't do it alone... as much as you think you can. God, the ultimate counselor can help you much more than we can. So seek Him... and some peace will come. I promise you that.

Slowly Healing,
Tinky

thank you tinky for all your words of wisdom and support.

JLM- you are more than welcome!

FYI, lastnight a new lady came to my group. DV group. Black eye, swollen face, bright eyed and smiling with her newborn twins.

I wondered how could she smile, not knowing where she was going, how she would take care of them, two crying babies w/o support.

And then I remembered my faith! She has God, her life and her
freedom now. She'll be just fine.

Sometimes we forget we know somebody stronger than him.. We know HIM! The Awesome Almighty!

Stay strong gurl!

They have to want to change and its obvious he doesn't think he has a problem. The anger, the hurt, it eats him up and he strikes at the first thing that gets close, which apparently is you. Its ok to love someone and try to help them, but not when its to the point that you lose your life, and it sure sounds like that is where you are headed. You are thinking and that is good, just don't lose sight of your goal. You can find love again, you can't find life if it ceases.